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Everyone keeps asking me why I never sleep. They suggest that I go to a doctor and get a pill to put my mind at ease. But how do I tell a doctor: I can‘t sleep because she‘s not next to me. I wait until my body is about to shut down without consent to crawl into bed, and when I do I wait until I feel her arms reach around to pull me in. It never comes, but I never stop waiting.

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[Saturday, July 4th, 2020. 10:52 p.m.]

woodsmoke clinging to the hairs on my chest,
days past and still, ash decorates my fingertips.
who do i love? who are all the rest?
bereft of warmth and left scorned,
crucified for good jokes, for slinging mud,
and any gracious bond is passed over
in favor of desecrating faith.
struggling to recall the taste of lingering lips.
who do i love? who else is left?
i stocked up on tinder, let my backyard house a pyre.
there’s a certain way the fire burns over ice,
and even now in summer,
the cinders and embers
sting me a little, on my ears and knees.
bring me a little liquor, giggle when i sneeze.
i know, i know, there are moments i squeeze too hard,
when i freeze up when you ask me what i mean.
if it’ll please you, i’ll keep the flames alive,
won’t ward off the evil until you begin to believe me.
let’s examine weevils, let’s pet servals,
let’s lie in silence in greedy intervals,
bookended by naps, surrounded by cats.
i’ve tended to crooks before,
prior to the straight and narrow.
who do i love? who else is hallowed?
am i a simple rebound? am i a simple trap?
who do i love?
a tiny sparrow, fallow and untapped -
nay, much simpler; proudly, a dove.
and where does it leave me?
sapped of sense, wrapped up in issues of trust,
uncapped pen, struggling to cast off
every strap and shackle, every aortic cuff.

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I miss you

At some point

Isn’t enough to make a person wait,

I love you

At some point

Isn’t enough to make a person stay,

Eventually your heart gets tired

It begins to beat a little slower,

It loves a little less

And eventually becomes more and more colder,

I love you

Over time

Becomes I hate you,

Not because your feelings have changed…

But because you finally realize

That the person you love

Is the source of your greatest pain.

-Quantum Bliss

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Renee Hendricks

My lip busted open on that bathroom door,

Fault of my own but I prefer to wait

I indulged but still found myself wanting.

Blood on a tissue;
Echoes of what things could have been.
You pick me up
The bloom of red.

It hurts a bit but not as much;
You press the ice harder against my teeth
It hurts.
I bite. My lip throbs.

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Ghost pt 2: My Story

The ghosts started showing themselves when I was 12-13.

There weren’t many at first, or for long lengths of time,

but as I grew - so did they.

The ghosts had combatted the loneliness I had been feeling since I was young enough to understand the word and feeling.

I could tell the ghosts meant no harm - but they weren’t completely harmless.

But what was I to do when their warmth was much to inviting?

I’d like to say I was able to fight them off,

Friends and family showing me true warmth, love, and happiness.

Alas I can’t say it’s true for every moment the ghosts wait to get me alone to pull me back to them.

Cradle me in their undead arms,

and rock me asleep with moaning lullabies.

I wish I didn’t depend on them but I do

It’s the best worst decision I’ve ever made,

But given the chance, I’d still pick the ghosts.

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The words don’t seem to be coming from my mouth

They drift from a book onto the pages

My mind as gone south

The bitter alchemy with pain and ages

Too many lozenges in your mouth

I cannot fake it

All I have is this overwhelmingly useless empathy

I should praise my pain for a glimpse

Of the sensory

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If I had to choose between keeping you with me for my sake or letting you go which I might find as hard as anything. Bravely, I would choose me forever over any of the toxicity. I would be more interested in letting you go and finding myself. After all, it’s worth it to be in pain and to be with someone who will lead me to the light of insights & to the happiness that the heart had constantly strived.

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Trains and Lines

My feelings are in a parallel line with you.

Two trains on different tracks not to touch.

Never destined to meet.

For if they do and the truth comes out,

What happens next?

We try again like always only for the spark to quickly fizzle out.

Neither one of us will ever change,

so what is the use of trying this same dance over again?

We both have done it many times with no actual outcome.

So please for my sake, leave my feelings on their way towards home and you can be blissfully unaware like always.

These two trains may never meet and that is how I’d like it to be.

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In the morning you give me a perfect cup of coffee
But you don’t know you’ve already given me two
And though these might not be quite as frothy
Your eyes are perfect cups of coffee too

In the afternoon they’re as strong as an oak
With fall foliage reflected on the water
Warm springs in which I can soak
And dance with the playfullness of otters

In the evening they catch flecks of sunny
Streaks of bronze across the sky
I get lost in their pools of honey
drunk off their mead on the 4th of July.

They hold depths as deep at the earth
Like the rocky southwest canyons after the rain
Or sandunes surrounding an eclipse
So I wish you would not see your brown eyes in vain.

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凛々しい 雄々しい 猛々しい らしい言葉を並べて自分を鼓舞する 世界を闊歩する 暗澹たる未来に向けて出刃包丁を研ぎ澄ます 見てて 1998年から続けてきた死ぬ準備がようやく迎えた大団円 どこまでも私は 死ぬ瞬間のために生きている

否定から始まる人生の1ページ目は今も赤銅の色をして脳の壁に焼き付いている コップが割れる音 頭蓋をフローリングに押し付けられる感覚 震える手では箸も掴めない惨めさ 初めて君と出会ったときに感じた焦燥 「私たち、よく似てるね」と笑った君のことを 私は堪らなく愛おしいと思っていた 罵声と怒号と悲鳴と苦痛 死ぬ以外の選択肢が残されていないのは 始まったときから変わらなかったのに

私達の盛大な仕返しを見てて 世界 淡々と重ねてきた日々が層になって熱を持つ 風もないのに砂塵がわずかに揺れ動いた 君の 私の足下から世界が割れ壊れていく 一人で生きたいのに 一人で生きていたいのに 世界の割れ目から覗く無数の目が私達を見つけてしまった レーザービームが瞳孔に触れる

眩んで それから

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What American
Before the granite gaze of our forefathers
Would not weep
For the awe of their stoic visage?
What injustice could survive
Intact, their cold and righteous observation?
How patriotic
To make of the mountainside
Monuments in our image,
Deface, bare and beautiful
That holy cliff. To stand absolved
In the shade of our Fathers’ long shadow.

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You were the best distraction in my moments of weakness,

While stuck in the entanglement of emotions and thoughts.

You were safe to begin to let go of the weight of all that it was,

And the small reminder of its presence fell further and further away;

But they never last do they?

A slip up that rises and the peak of distraction has gone standstill.

A drift apart from you, I knew you’d never last.

Knew your foundation was shaky from the start.

I’d be the dumbass who thought you could withstand more than that.

I beat myself up for already knowing,

You weren’t safe enough for me.


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“You don’t get to talk down about me. You left me. You broke me. You don’t get to do that. I was the one who was hurt. The one who was betrayed by someone they loved. Not you.”


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