I Want To Be Your Monster
You sit alone like a perfect
Haunted
Doll.
Eyes wide,
A painted smile on your face.
Rings on your hand,
Like relics adorning a goddess
Of death.
I want to give you that
Spark of life
That will light your eyes as if caught in
Blazing flame
Of lust and love.
I want to tear you asunder,
Remove the chains,
That fools put on you bearing
Labels of false gods,
And impotent idols.
You will not have to beg this beast,
To ravage the fear,
Push out the doubt
Eviscerate your lonliness,
And be your dark shadow
Standing by your side,
Against the world.
I want to be your monster.
And at night,
In the quiet of sleepless morning,
I'll crawl into your bed,
The warmth of our fury for each other
Carrying us through,
As in my arms you dream.
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You know I hate cigarettes…
I can’t ever breathe.
I hate the smell of them.
You can’t ever get the stench out.
you’re car, clothing or even your hair.
But you know when it comes to you,
I love you.
I feel like I can always get a breath of fresh air.
I love the smell of your jacket,
And the night we drove around in your car
I can ever get those memories out,
Even your clothing or even your hair.
It’s stronger than cigarettes…
.・。.・゜✭・.・。.・゜✭・.
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Emily Dickinson
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Indifferent
-
I hate that I trusted you.
I hate how desperately I tried
To claw my way under your skin.
How pathetically I fought,
For one more night.
The hours I spent,
Begging for another minute.
I hate that I'm crying,
Over absolutely nothing.
When I was perfectly fine
Being lonely,
Before you appeared.
I hope you enjoyed being another name,
Another reason,
Another disgraceful excuse for passion,
Another laughable, pitiful memory-
Because you'll never get the chance again.
x
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Echoes of Silence
In silence dwells a storm unseen,
Where words once flowed, now barren, keen.
The absence speaks, a chilling tale,
Of hearts estranged, a bond grown frail.
A rift unfurls with every silent gaze,
Where once was warmth, now icy haze.
The void it breeds, a yawning chasm,
Eclipsing love with silent spasm.
Each unspoken word, a dagger's thrust,
In silence, bonds corrode to dust.
For what remains when words retreat,
But shattered hopes and hearts to beat?
Communication's key, a guiding light,
Yet silence dims its precious sight.
In muted silence, love finds no reprieve,
As relationships wither and grieve.
So heed this plea, break silence's snare,
Speak love's truth, show that you care.
For in the silence, love's demise,
Destroys the bonds that once did rise.
JI
04-15-24
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I looked in her eyes and saw an empty stare
That’s when I knew what we had planted
Had died that day
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for the hope of it all
-Taylor Swift, from "august"
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The Girlhood of Hating Yourself
Oh how I miss my only problem being
The mirror;
Those days
I counted with your love.
I couldn't stand
To look at myself,
Like how now you can't stand
Me.
And while I'm now glad
To look at my reflection,
I can't
Stand,
Not counting with your love.
I guess I now look
How I always wanted,
But I still hate my body
Because it is not close
To yours.
I hate it:
Why would I be comfortable with this version
That you hate?
I suppose I look good naked,
But it is nothing
Compared to the nude
That my heart is in
Your hands.
I look better in reflections now,
But the problem is still the mirror;
It doesn't reflect you
By my side.
My younger self
Would have given everything to look like I do.
And I
Would give anything
To be that young again;
I would choose
To hate my body again
If that meant
I could love you.
X.
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pious kiss - a poem by me
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The Fields Which Lay Silent
I buried my dreams like bodies,
Murdered,
Diluted,
Mistreated by shadows,
Posing as people,
Ripping away innocence,
All there is to see,
Numb darkness settles like thick fog,
Choking.
I buried my dreams like bodies,
Friends I lost along the way.
Like crosses growing
Out of screaming memory.
Some I put there, some tried to put me
In those graves where they put my dreams
In the fields of bodies burning,
The screaming has become silent.
Somehow, so much worse.
I buried my dreams like bodies,
Out in the back yard.
But dreams are persistant pieces of life.
Like seeds, they birthed anew,
Rising forth from ash and bone,
Blood covered roses.
And I'm there, aren't I?
That's where I lost myself,
Those dreams are me,
The person I thought I was meant to be,
Restored.
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꒷꒦꒷︶˚︶︶꒷꒦˚꒦꒷︶˚︶︶꒷꒦˚︶˚︶︶꒷
Hey it’s me your Favorite Chick,
I’m just callin cause I’m feelin pretty homesick.
Hasn’t been the same without you since you left.
I feel like a lunatic or someone who feels seasick.
Could you be home maybe by a quarter of six?
The way I should’ve kiss you with the same shade of lipstick that I left on your white collar,
Filling the holes of my sweater and maybe other things that feel sweeter,
“I swear this can get better.”
From that night with my voice as a soft whisper.
Rolling throughout your head “ you stupid just kiss her.”
I just want you to miss me,
Cause I know you’re up past 3.
Working till you’re fingers bleed.
And I’m just drivin’ tryin not to over speed.
Because baby I’m a thousand miles away,
And I’m just sitting here pretty.
But I’ll call you up to say “Hey there fuck that girl named Delilah”
What’s it’s like in New York city?
꒷꒦꒷︶˚︶︶꒷꒦˚꒦꒷︶˚︶︶꒷꒦˚︶˚︶︶꒷꒦
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A Pretty Song, from Thirst by Mary Oliver
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Online Musings
You think everything I say is a form of real life
But every single day, a churn a new lie
That I'm never that ok when, in fact, Im doing fine
Im always on your trail when I sense your covert signs
Everything's a game when it comes to online
With everyone displayed as another friend to write
I use my art today, so I never have to find
A reason to displace your life between the lines
I'd hide you where you came: In actual plain sight
And I'd walk inside your cage of self-imposed crimes
I'd convince you to stay in your shackles of guilt tonight
And throw away the key as I said my last goodbye
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actually maybe aging is beautiful.
maybe i see my grandma telling jokes
to her sister on phone
and maybe i smile.
maybe i can't wait to love
for the rest of my life.
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Deserve Better
In shadows deep, I sought a light,
A love to mend, to set things right.
But found instead a hollow stare,
A heart unmoved, a soul laid bare.
Deserve I do, a love sincere,
A hand to hold, a listening ear.
Not one who turns from truth's embrace,
But meets my gaze with equal grace.
For I am worthy, strong and true,
Deserve a love that honors too.
No longer bound by hollow dance,
I seek the one who takes a chance.
In silent yearning, I proclaim,
I deserve better, not the same.
A love that's pure, a love that's free,
A love that sees and honors me.
JI
04-12-24
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