It always starts the same
my head becomes heavy
my ears burn in flames
The heat wanders up to the head
Milliseconds of blackouts, everything is dark
Only twinkling stars illuminate my vision
My body temporarily gets chills
as if an eel is running down my back
Chills on repeat
stop thoughts on repeat
My stomach starts to turn
Vomiting is suppressed
Suddenly it’s freezing cold and I’m drenched in sweat
Caught in this moment
Trapped in this body
But just can’t move
Only my heart pulsates like a beat in my ears
Bakit pilit nililingon ang nakaraan
kung kelan nakakabangon na muli?
Hindi ba kuntento sa tinatahak na daan
at tila ika'y nagpapahuli.
Ang oras mo ay nakalaan.
Wala nang pagkakataon magatubili.
Kaya’t wag nang ipilit ang nakaraan.
12:10 - 12:16am
She continued sinking deeper
but now she no longer drowns.
Diving with the fishes better than a swimmer.
Slowly her brow relaxes from the etched frowns.
A tiny fish she became.
Swimming on the ocean floor,
she finds the perfect games.
And I stand waiting by the shore.
9:43 - 9:47pm
I’ve dried my brain to the brim
and got nothing else to offer today.
My eyes refuse to read another theme.
I am silently screaming ‘mayday!’
Although the waves are expected,
I am too tired to sway with it.
Even as I write this poem I am uninterested.
But I have to keep going and have grit.
I signed up for this to escape.
But here I am once again.
Hoping for another chance and reshape
but everything has been set and written.
I can feel the storm brewing
and as always
I find myself with no shelter.
My hands are holding nothing.
Just my palm facing up.
Is that a raindrop I feel?
I look at the sky.
Gray as I expected.
The silence telling me of the its coming.
Everyone had hidden
while I am left exposed.
No umbrella to shield me from the rain.
I always run back home
everytime a drop lands on my cheeks.
But now I stand waiting for more.
I’ll be sleeping with a content heart.
All qualms emptied once again.
Just another hopeful tomorrow to wake to.
Indeed friends are my remedy.
All this suffering and confusion becomes bearable.
I find myself smiling a little
as I look forward to another long week.
9:40 - 9:43pm
Isang mamamayang nakalimot sa sariling laban
dahil sa pagkabulag sa mga diyamente.
Mga sigaw ng tunay na naaapi'y pinagpaliban
at umabot na sa puntong lahat ay nagmistulang ignorante.
Nilingon ang maling taong sumasaklolo.
Binitiwan ang taong wala nang makapitan.
Pinili ang pinaguusapan at nagpatalo.
Ang buhay nga naman ay sa lamangan.
She finds herself swayed.
The same person who drowns her
also anchors her securely.
Just when she was about to make a turn,
she is stopped in her tracks.
Looking at the cross roads,
her heart aches even more.
She knows there are other paths
but her feet moves forward.
Her head turns left and right
and sees the smooth road.
Her feet start to bleed
as she finds herself
on the roughest road ahead.
She questions herself,
“why not choose turning
instead of moving forward?”
Only her sighing
answers her back
as more rocks and thorns
dig deep in her bloody feet.
She keeps walking.
She can never stop.
It’s the only way for her to live.
that the road she chose
is the right one.
2:10 - 2:18pm
She’s already drowning anyway.
What’s there to lose?
Another gallon of water
changes nothing of her state.
It does nothing to tame the waters.
She’s practically numb now.
Swayed from side to side,
but her resolve remains the same.
Nothing could change the fact
that she brought herself in deeper.
She’s got no one to blame.
Just her silly weak self
for wanting out of a kiddie pool.
Now she’s in the vast ocean.
The waves taking her farther.
Muling nabiyayaan ng oras
na muling makahinga.
Iyong sulitin ang kalayaan
dahil muling magagapos.
Papatak nanaman ang luha.
Hahaba muli ang takbo ng araw
at matutulog na may pangamba.
Maghahanap ng kakapitan
hanggang sa munting bakasyon
sa sabado at linggo.
Again, she feels weak.
The envy seeps in her.
But she’s too meek.
Taken over by the monster.
The step so steep.
She finds it harder to move.
She just wants to sleep.
Nothing to prove.
She lags in line.
Her belief wavers.
She was never fine.
But she finds no lifesavers.
7:03 - 7:11pm
to mull over.
to build the week.
I wanted to say Monday blues.
But today was different.
My joy isn’t as grand as a cruise.
But my smile is apparent..
Do I need to mull over
my Monday memoirs?
Could my week be built
on Monday memoirs?
It’s another day I know will end.
Tomorrow my days will start to be long.
My heart breaking even before I get to mend.
Another round of doing everything wrong.
Just when I thought I am free,
a new set of chains arrive.
I am too tired to even flee.
I just hope I could last and survive.
8:54 - 9:00am
I couldn’t hold it in.
The tears escaped,
was too much
that I felt
wiped it all.
by the shore
my scream for help.
11:24 - 11:35pm
Silhouettes in the dim, dark room,
The unseen spirits will consume me soon.
The phantasmagoric play of the street lights,
The troublesome thoughts and the unending night.
Cupboards creak and doorbell rings,
Away in the dark, a nightingale sing.
Thoughts spinning in the labyrinth of my mind,
The bright street lights are turning me blind.
Wind flows and trees sigh,
The raven sits five feet high.
Sleep is nowhere near me,
I’m drowning in the overthinking sea.
When Uma Thurman said “I still love the people I’ve loved, even if I cross the street to avoid them.”