I THINK I AM GOING TO CUT MY HAIR

'shut up' but like flirtatiously.

I searched for love in the heavens above.

i am asked about my favorite color.

i am seven

and my reply is

pink

because i am a girl

and pink

is a princess color.

i am asked about my favorite color.

i am ten

and i like

green

because a boy told me that pink

is lame and girly.

i am asked about my favorite color.

i am thirteen

and i tell them

purple

it is unique and spunky

like i want to be.

i am asked about my favorite color.

i am seventeen

and i just say

red

i do not say

it is bright and angry at the world

as i am

i cannot form the words to express

all of my frustrations

so i paint my lips with

rage.

i am asked about my favorite color.

i am twenty

and it’s pink

i remember the joy

of being a child

i reclaim the freedom

of femininity

because i cannot remember

what my shoulders felt like

before the depression

hung from them.

i am asked about my favorite color.

i am twenty-six

and my answer is

brown

it confuses most people

they don’t see it

they may think of dirt

and dust

and dead things

but it is coffee with friends

and the chocolate chip cookies

my mom used to make.

it is my hair

and my eyes

amber and gold

in the sun

and i love myself

again

“Novembers are for softest sleep when skies are dark and grey. They do not mind the time you keep when night looks much like day. They do not mind the rain that falls so warmly down your cheek. ‘Rest easy now’ is what they’d say if months knew how to speak.”

— Ellis Nightingale

you will never get what you deserve if you stay with what you tolerate.

— alhwrites

I.B. Vyache, Excerpt 03.01.20

I’m a soft believer in the wisdom of loving someone in such a way that sets them free because love blossoms in appreciation. Love blossoms when it’s watered with gentleness, tenderness, and care. Love blossoms when it is given the space to be beautiful on its own.

Juansen Dizon

no one:

me: feels guilty for not reading, yet still doesn’t read

I hope you look back at past versions of yourself with kindness rather than despair.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but Valentine’s Day is a day for love. Not strictly a day for couples. You can celebrate love without having a partner, because romantic love isn’t the only love that exists. You can have love for your family, for your friends, for your pets, for yourself. For whatever you want, honestly. I had been dreading the holiday because I didn’t have anyone to spend it with until I realized it was still a day I could participate in. It’s not exclusive to anyone. In fact, I plan on using it to be extra kind to myself, since sometimes I’m not. I’m going to practice self love on Valentine’s Day to make up for the times I haven’t. I am the most consistent thing in my life. My body does what it can to keep me alive. I deserve to treat it well. I deserve love, too, whether I’m in a relationship or not. I want some flowers, so I’ll be getting some. I want some hibachi, so I’ll be getting some. I want a nice bubble bath, so I’ll be taking one. You don’t have to be “in love” with someone else to celebrate; you can use it as an opportunity to show love to yourself.

— alhwrites

repeat after me: i will not make myself small for other people's convenience.

“Tomorrow might look different. You’ll have to wait and see. The world is never frozen still, it changes gradually. Then suddenly it’s all transformed, and you can see it too, and you wonder why you’d ever doubt grey skies would turn to blue.”

— Ellis Nightingale

These sounded poetic together :)

13 things i learned in 2020

nothing stays the same. without a moment's notice, everything can change and leave you wondering what the hell happened. living in the present and appreciating the small things is important because nothing else is guaranteed or permanent.

we humans are not as important as we believe ourselves to be. when the bee dies so do the flowers. when we die the flowers grow back. if we are to build a better future, we must give back to the planet by changing the ways we live on it.

time is not real. there is nothing in the laws of physics that can prove it is anything other than a human construct.

power of the people will always outweigh the people in power. the 1% are scared of us realising this and acting upon it.

home is more of a person than a place. the way i see my family has changed. all that other stuff i thought i wanted when the true treasure was here all along.

distance does not lessen the value or strength of true friendship.

self-care is by far the most important skill to learn in life. being aware of my needs, how things effect me, and eliminating harmful inputs has gone a long way in improving my physical and mental health.

social media does not offer an honest or healthy way in which to view the world. like a toxic friend, it uses our desires and insecurities in all sorts of manipulative ways. being able to take a step back and reconnect with the real physical world can be both invigorating and revelatory.

simple acts of kindness cost nothing but are as precious as gold dust.

eye contact has become a new form of communication. with masks hiding half of our faces we have no choice but to look at each other's souls. we see each other more now and we offer strangers in the street smiles from our eyes rather than our mouths.

being lonely doesn't mean we're alone. everyone is going through something. even if they don't show it.

laughter is the closest thing there is to magic. watery eyes, burning chests and aching ribs from laughing too much are the most wonderful feelings in the world.

i am much more resilient and capable than i thought i was.

You survived this. Even with clenched fists and gritted teeth and neverending wounds, you survived this. I hope you remember that on the mornings when you feel worthless and small. You were given an impossible mountain to climb, and you still climbed it to get to the other side.

Physically I'm here but mentally I'm living in an old, abandoned castle running around in silk gowns.

Cw for brief csa mention. Hey it’s me

My name is Kihnindewa, I’m a 22 yr old black ndn bisexual two-spirit (they/them, thank u). I’m a tarot reader, certified reiki practitioner, a writer & im trying to move out in 2021 ! Asap, really. I’m struggling really hard to function in my current situation & my quality of life is trash.

I live on tribal grounds in a food desert. I have to drive an hour round trip to buy food & medicine, and to work. I have joint issues, driving so much is slowly making my pain more & more unbearable. And I live in the home I was s*xually ab*sed in as a child, which is extremely hard on my PTSD. And that isn’t even everything. I cannot continue to live here. I was set to move out last month, with another black ndn two-spirit friend, but I was f*red after blatant racial discrimination & everything fell apart. Anyways.

The point of this post is to promote my patreon, where I do tarot readings & post poetry every month, to secure consistent & safe income for myself. You can get familiar with my writing here* & check out some feedback from my tarot readings here & here :)

I’m currently at $272, which is amazing & I’m extremely grateful & proud. Thank you all so much for supporting me as much as u have. I would really appreciate boosting this post & considering becoming a patron if you can & you’re interested in what I do, thank you ily all so much.

Hi! This is an edit being made to this post in nearly April 2021. Since making this post, a couple things have changed. For one, I quit my disgusting job after receiving no justice for racial harassment & a white co-worker saying the n word. For two, my bills have grown lol. So, I am updating my goal to $700 to aim for fully supporting myself with this as my main source of income. Bills, food, gas, etc. This goal may go down as I work on creating another source of income (starting an actual tarot & reiki business)! I’m discouraged that I’m no longer halfway to my goal, but I’m still hopeful & I feel very loved from all of the support I’ve gotten. Thank you so much 🧿

(updated) 331/700 !!! You are all saving my life & giving me hope. No dramatics. Thank you

Patreon 💙

*aight I’ve added my writing tag up there 3 times and it just keeps disappearing ! it’s literally just “my writing” I’ll leave it on this post for u