Rules vs Agreements vs Boundaries
I see these confused a lot, so here’s a simple guide to them!
Rules:
Rules are things put in place to control someone else’s behavior, whether that be a partner, a metamour, or anyone else. (Yes, it’s still a rule if you have to follow it too). Rules are strict and breaking them always has some kind of punishment involved. The punishment can be anything, maybe something decided in advance (If you do X, I’ll do Y), or even just the fight you’ll get into when it’s broken. Some examples of rules in non-monogamous relationships are:
1. You can only be with people as long as I approve, and you have to dump them if I say so (veto power)
2. We can only date cis women (one-penis-policy)
3. We have to spend at least 4 nights a week together
4. No sleeping with someone else unless I’ve met them first
5. Always be home by 11:00 PM
Now, it is possible to have healthy rules in a relationship, don’t get me wrong. However, it’s also common for rules to cause resentment and mistrust in relationships. Before making a rule, please consider where you are coming from with the rule. Most rules come from places of fear, mistrust, or insecurity. You may be making assumptions about how your partner will treat you without the rule in place, assuming the worst. Once you identify the feeling behind a proposed rule, you can attack the problem at its source instead of using a rule to cover it up. It’s similar to jealousy, in that respect. If you and your partner agree the rule comes from a good and constructive place, then you have a good rule.
Agreements:
Agreements are the hardest to pin down and describe, in my opinion. Agreements are trusting each other and acknowledging each other’s needs and your commitment to meeting those to the best of your abilities. Multiamory describes the difference between the philosophy of agreements and rules as, “A philosophy of communication and trust, as opposed to a philosophy of restriction and requirement”. Please remember that the philosophy and intent behind what you and your partner agree to is more important than the language used. Regardless of whether you call it a rule or an agreement, it’s the intent that makes it healthy or unhealthy. Possible agreement alternatives to the rule examples are:
1. We will trust each other’s judgment in our other relationships, and we’ll be aware of and work through any jealousy they cause
2. We will work together to unpack the insecurities the one who set the rule had, and take agreed upon baby steps towards dating other men and/or people with penises to help ease them into the change while we work through this insecurity
3. We will spend deliberate time together each week and not take our living together for granted
4. We will stay safe during sex and be open and transparent with each other about our sex practices, and we will communicate about and work through our jealousy and insecurities together
5. We will trust each other to be safe and responsible while out, and we will keep each other updated about when we will get home and if we’ll be late so not to cause worry
Boundaries:
Boundaries are things that you can enforce all on your own. They are self-empowering, unlike rules, which give all of the power to the other person. Boundaries are a healthy way to protect yourself and a staple in all relationships. Some examples of boundaries in relationships are:
1. I will not stay in a relationship with someone who is abusive
2. I will not have unprotected sex with someone who is having unprotected sex with other people
3. I will not stay in a relationship with someone who smokes
4. I will not stay in a relationship with someone who is deceptive
5. I will not share intimate details about my other relationships with my other partners unless it directly affects them and/or our sexual safety
The only issue with boundaries is how easy it is to turn them into threats. Going back to example number three, this can be turned into a threat by saying “If you don’t stop smoking, I will leave you”. This manipulative and controlling behavior, and it puts the power back into the partners hands, so it is no longer self-empowering. It stops being a boundary entirely, both because of the power shift, the intent behind it, and the fact that you’re still in the relationship. Boundaries are the final defense. If your boundary is broken and you don’t enforce it, and instead choose to turn it into a threat to control your partner, it loses everything that makes it a boundary and becomes another way to take control. You can avoid this by making sure the focus stays on you, what you’re comfortable with, and what you’ll do to take care of yourself. Always be honest with yourself about your intentions, and never be afraid to enforce a boundary. Keeping yourself safe is more important than the relationship and/or action that is compromising that.
For more information, I highly suggest the Multiamory podcast episode “Rules vs. Agreements feat. Boundaries”. It goes a little more in-depth than I did, and it was my main resource when writing this post.
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It's our first evening together
Just the two of us
We sit on your couch
We walk in the rain
(I turn off the lights in my room)
That one song I wanted to show you since forever starts playing
Our glasses clink in the empty restaurant
(The false stars from my projector illuminate my ceiling)
And then
You smile
(So fucking wide)
And I just watch you hoping that I can
Show you every song I ever heard
Bring you to every restaurant I ever ate at
(Buy every fake star for you to gaze at)
For every day of the rest of our lives.
My love is something other
It may not be romantic
But it still shines on all your teeth.
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The Pride of June: Polyamorous
The Polyamory Flag is the Flag used to describe someone who is attracted to one or more people at the same time. While technically not apart of the Queer community, most Polyamorous people are queer and are accepted by the Queer community. Despite what people think, Polyamory is NOT cheating as long as you have the informed consent of the two or more people involved.
Fun History Fact: While being Polyamorous is illegal in the United States and in lots of other countries, and be widely a sexist act in those that do allow it, being Polyamorous has been around since Ancient Mesopotamia
Tumblr User: @hecateisalesbian, @honeymilkhijinks, @jd-leifdeloos
Media Character: Blitzo (Helluva Boss), Camille (Muted), Jake (Schitts Creek), Lisa Simpson (The Simpsons), and Lonnie (She Ra Reboot), are all Polyam.
Why the colors? While there used to be an old flag, a recent vote decided it was time for a new one and this one was created! A chevron points toward the opposite end of the flag which is a symbol of growth and progress, and sits asymmetrically on the flag to reflect the non-traditional style of polyamorous relationships. The heart within reminds us that love in all forms is the core of non-monogamy. The chevron's White represents possibility, Magenta stands for desire, love, and attraction, Blue stands for openness and honesty, Gold represents the energy and perseverance of those in the non-monogamous community, and Purple represents a united non-monogamous community.
Where can I find the calendar? The calendar is my pinned post on my blog @hecateisalesbian! This will be occurring all throughout June, and tags such as #The Pride of June and #PoJ Project can be used to find my post
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J'ai fait trois nouveaux badges à l'occasion de la table ronde / dédicace que j'ai fait au 122 à Angers le 04 Mars dernier accompagné de La bulle de Milho et de Holly Rectum
Mes Patrons ont pu les voir en avant-premières le 16/02/23 !
Si vous êtes intéressé'es pour soutenir mon travail et/ou découvrir pleins de projets inédits jamais postés sur les internet : https://www.patreon.com/LaurierTheFox
Dans l'ordre les drapeaux sont :
- Le drapeau Bear qui est une communauté du parapluie Gay.
- Le drapeau LGBTIA+"progrès" avec le drapeau intersexe, le drapeau trans et les bandes marron et noire des personnes queer racisé'es.
- Le drapeau DemiGirl
J'en ai aussi profité pour refaire le drapeau Polyamoureux (une version modifiée des deux drapeaux Poly que je trouvais les plus beaux) et le "Gay as F*x" avec le drapeau Gay.
N'hésitez pas à me dire ce que vous en pensez !
Les badges sont disponibles sur ma boutique Utip si ça vous intéresse ^^ : https://utip.io/laurierthefox/shop
Prenez soin de vous si vous pouvez !
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