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feverinfeveroutfic · 2 months

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like blood from a stone | chapter forty-five

(ao3 title: quicksilver)

I had always been perturbed by hospitals. I had no idea as to whether it came from the fact that they always had this sterility to them, or the feeling of death that surrounded them, but the very moment Chuck and I walked in through those big sliding doors, I shivered and closed my coat. The floors were bright white and every nook and cranny smelled of industrial cleaner. It was right then I had a small sense of gratitude that I had ascended to royalty, lest the two of us get caught up in a cloud of smoke and some heavy duty cleansing.

As we came closer to his room, the smell of cleaner faded out to the smell of flesh and blood. Not death, but more as if that particular wing of the hospital had been infiltrated by a wounded soldier.

My wounded brother.

We turned the next right corner and strode into Jeff’s room, where we beheld the sight of Jeff himself reclined back on the bed with his arms suspended up with long, thin, spindly cables and pale white gauze wrapped around his neck and shoulders. A big white tube had been crammed down his throat to help him breathe; it also took me a second to realize that he had a big swath of gauze on his right hand, and I wondered what exactly had happened at that shootout.

Larry, who was seated off to his left side there, greeted us with a small smile and a listless gesture to the side for the other chairs. Chuck nestled between the two of us, but I lingered off further to the side just to have a better look on at Jeff and his injuries. All the while, I kept on thinking about Chuck from Florida.

“Kirk and Lars were here earlier,” Larry was saying. “I don’t remember if Joey was with them or not, but I do remember them talking about him at one point… it was pretty whirlwind.”

“I would think so,” Chuck replied with a shake of his head and a ruffle of his hair. “Your best friend and fiancé just wound up in the hospital in the middle of the night and now you’re trying to put the pieces together.” Larry rubbed his temple with his fingertips, while I returned my attention to the comatose Jeff.

While his one hand had been wrapped entirely in gauze, his other hand remained pristine. I looked on at the ring on his finger, at the little black stone in the dead center of it all, and I moved my gaze up to his neck and shoulders.

The fact that his gunshot wounds were hidden away behind that protective layer of gauze only brought my attention more to the black stone.

It was right then and there I had an itch to hide myself away, to have all the time to myself just to unwind and release something in the meantime. Being in that hospital did nothing to help, either. I tapped my fingers and looked off to the side for an escape of sorts. Neither of us had any idea if Jeff was going to wake up and be released any time soon, so I had time to tend to.

I turned my attention to Chuck and Larry, both of whom seemed lost in their own little worlds.

It was now or never.

I stood up and ran my fingers through my hair.

“Where you going?” Chuck asked me.

“I need some air,” I told him with a shake of my head and an adjusting of my jacket lapels.

“Want me to come with?” Larry offered me.

“I think I want to be alone for a while,” I confessed to him in a low voice.

“The prince likes his solitude,” Chuck told him.

I then bowed out of the room to the hallway. I needed to get in touch with Chuck from Florida again, at least to show him as to how I truly felt about him before anything else happened to either one of us.

I kept on walking until I reached the outside and I could feel the cool morning air on my skin. If only Eric and Lou were there to give me a ride: we could keep on riding until we reached across the valley over to Yosemite or up to the Redwoods. To be in nature and away from the city. Maybe that was the solution, to leave the Bay Area for a time to be in the woods and in nature.

I reached the corner of the street where I was met with a gust of a cool breeze from the ocean. To be at the beach for a while. I thought about finding a fifth wheel for myself, Eric, and Lou, and the three of us could ride along the entire Pacific coastline, from the Bay Area down Highway 1 all the way down to San Diego and the border, and then back up again to the Bay Area and all the way up to Oregon and Washington into Canada. We could take the highway along British Columbia and the Yukon up to Alaska and post up there for as long as we wanted.

I tightened the sides of my jacket across my body as the cool breeze sent a shiver down my spine.

At the same time, I missed my parents. I missed getting hugs from my mom and hearing my dad’s rants about how I was meshuggah and had a lot of chutzpah and all of that.

I needed to write a letter to Chuck from Florida as soon as possible. I kept on walking until I spotted a minimart on the corner. A cup of coffee to get things moving and then I could look around for something to write on and write with.

As I sipped on my coffee, I thought about Joey and I wondered if he ever did come along with one of them. I wondered if he was in the hospital and the frantic part of me immediately jumped to his being lost. I shook my head and kept on walking with the cup in hand. If I was going to write on a sticky note, then I would have to do just that. I had snuck out of my parents’ house through my bedroom window, I could unload on little sticky notes.

I returned to the hospital right as the night shift was clocking out, which meant I would probably have to wait until I could sign in for visiting hours as Chuck did the honors for the two of us.

I took my seat in one of the chairs closest to the front door. I set my coffee cup down and let my eyes wander: it was like magic when I spotted the pad of paper on the table before me. The pad of paper and a little white pencil, like one of those little pencils you’d see at a golf course.

Dearest Chuck—

I wrinkled my nose at that, and I scratched it out. I thought about his full name instead and rolled from there.

Dearest Charles Michael,

I must write this out to you because I frankly don’t know any other way of saying all this. I worry about our periphery looking in and seeing it all for themselves, and someone above us could potentially have us reprimanded in some way. It’s bad enough to watch Joey, who has to skirt along the shadows without a wedding band on his finger, but at least he was able to find a loophole. At least there are loopholes, but I’m afraid we won’t be able to find a loophole for ourselves.

At the same time, seeing Jeff in the hospital, comatose, ensconced in gauze, and hooked up to machines left my mind in a whir of sorts. There has to be a better way to indulge in these things, to find ways to make love to each other without having to venture out and take advantage of some kind of ambiguity, whatever it may be and away from any prying eyes. I think of the pain in my head, the scar on my skin that bled out into my hair like that of quicksilver. The pain in my head that comes from my heart.

Before I began writing this, I was thinking of my parents. I love them with all my heart. And let me just say that I miss them with all my heart. I miss waking up in my bed.

Maybe I’m just crazy and I’m really a big baby and a dumb kid instead of a pristine young man, but I haven’t been able to say this to someone else before. I genuinely don’t enjoy being a royal: but what if I could be a prince without the strings attached? It’s a question that has haunted me since I learned about the arrangements. If only I could feel the warmth of velvet and silk without feeling like I rule a land of some kind. If this was Israel, then maybe I could let things slide, but this is California and I am wanting to take off my ring so badly right now: it’s itchy and I can tell that Chuck is uncomfortable as well.

This whole thing is leaving me uncomfortable and uneasy, and I know for a fact that it’s leaving him feeling the same way, and in a way that’s a beautiful thing. But nothing could deny the way I feel about you, though. When I’m with you, I forget everything that happened to me. I remember what it really feels like to be a prince and without the strings attached.

I want you the way the flowers want sunshine. I feel myself burning up when I think of you, the flame of the heart, the blood of lust, the blood from the stone. I feel so bloody helpless that I can only think of looking for quiet spots just to talk to you. There has to be a way out of all of this, a way to be away from the world so we could be alone, and I could be back in the safety of the nest again.

We can always laugh about it all. We can always joke about how the guys from Metallica are having to tiptoe around the fact that there’s so much hate surrounding them, and we can always joke that James will be the one who does them in. And you know, now that I think about it, now that I really think and laugh about it, Lou could absolutely pass off as a girl so we could take advantage of that one loophole without really taking advantage of it with possibly Joey’s help.

If only. This is all I can think about is “if only”, and to the point it genuinely makes me sick to my stomach. I want you, and I’m afraid that I’m not allowed to have you. I have a bit of an appetite now but I am always going to want you in particular. If I can’t have you, I want nausea in the worst way possible, torn away from my own heart, my delicate stomach, and the man and woman who brought me into this world.

I’m rambling at this point. I have no clue what I’m really saying, if I’m honest. I never had a chance to unload upon someone else before, and the only one who came close to that point is now in the hospital and resembling to a partial mummy.

I need to kiss you. Please, god, let me kiss you, and hold you, and touch you, and feel you again. I am in agony, in love and in utter agony.

I hope we can lay down together again.

All of my love,

Alex

I rested the pad on my lap and sipped on my coffee.

It was right then I had an idea, and I hoped we could find Joey again.

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feverinfeveroutfic · 9 months

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like blood from a stone | chapter forty-two

(ao3 title: heartfist)

My mind was in a complete whirlwind after I had made my way back up to the front of the house. It felt as though I had just seen something I wasn't supposed to know or even have a slight grasp of it whatsoever. I strode on up towards the front door and clasped my hands to my face: I needed something. I needed something for my head and heart, and most of all, my body. I had lain there on the couch with my legs stretched out before me and very little to eat since that morning prior to the wedding: I needed something else, something more, and something that would keep me going all the way until I went to bed that night.

I brought my hands down from my face as I gazed into the bubbled glass that made up the window in the door: the sun was already fading and the darkness of night already began to sink in over the neighborhood, which meant I had missed the reception party.

I didn't think I was missing anything, either, especially when Chuck had already eloped to another man.

I sighed through my nose and turned back around to the rest of the house: the three of them were in the next room, but I had no desire to join them for any reason at all. I had seen what I already needed to see, and I had heard what I already needed to hear for myself, and I didn't want any of it at all.

I turned my attention back to the door: I wore nothing but shorts and shoes, and the darkness came upon us like a heavy blanket.

At least I had the shorts.

I reached for the doorknob and opened the door: Lars' high laughter caught my ear right then, to which I sighed through my nose.

There was something about Lars and the way that he moved about out there, especially when I thought about how he would get all sweaty and bright eyed during a show. It was so primeval and raw, and yet I couldn't help but feel drawn to it.

I shook my head about and ducked out the door. I needn't hold onto those thoughts for very long lest I act on them.

The evening felt a touch warmer than it did in the morning, but I knew that the San Francisco fog was not too far off. I kept my hands tucked into my shorts pockets as I walked along the side of the street. The trees fluttered in the gentle breeze around me to the point of feeling just bearable for me: and I had walked around like this before back home in upstate New York, and while the fog ventured in from Lake Ontario as well. But nothing could deny the slight chill in my bones as I walked away from that house.

I had no idea as to where I was going, or where anything was, either: all I knew was that I had to come home, back over to Chuck and Alex's house.

Add to this, I could scarcely shake what I had heard back there from my mind, either. What really threw me off kilter was the fact that the three of them conversed about it in front of me as if it was completely trivial to them and not a huge secret, like… their best friend was with a woman and hated how they lived. The whole entire thing gave me such an awful feeling, such that I found it hard to concentrate on the road before me.

I stopped right in front of the house three doors down and peered over my shoulder with my arms folded over my chest. I swore that I wouldn't find Sodom, and yet there I was, looking back at the place to turn me to stone.

I shook my head and proceeded onward. The best I could hope for was a sign which led me back to the freeway, but then again, I had no idea as to how long that would be until I found any signs of advanced civilization before me.

My hair twirled behind me as I walked onward to the next corner up the block. I tucked my hands in my pockets. The last thing I needed right then was to be stopped by a cop there on the street, and yet I could hear the sound of tires on the pavement right behind me. I bowed my head and tried to cover up my chest with my upper arms, but then, rather than a siren, I was met with the sound of tire treads near the storm drain. I turned my head for a look back at the car there, and I recognized that lopsided grin next to a little rounded head.

Jeff and Larry!

I stopped right in my tracks so to let them come on closer to me. I kept my arms folded over my chest as I gazed on into the front seat of their car.

“Need a ride?” Jeff offered me from behind the wheel.

“Yeah, and a place to sleep tonight,” I said. “I don't know what's going on with Chuck and Alex right now, and I have no idea how to get back to their place.”

“We can do that for you,” Larry assured me with a nod. “Hop on in.”

“Make it quick, too,” Jeff added. “There's a cop about a block behind us who's been following us for the last several.”

I spared no expense to climb on in there with that. I shut the door and strapped, and Jeff did not hesitate for one second to bring us up the block. I shuddered even though it wasn't that cold outside or in the car for that matter. I kept my eyes closed most of the way to their place, and I tried to not think about that conversation back there.

I needed to think about Chuck instead. Hell, I would think about Lars there in the back seat next to me before I thought about that conversation again. But then, Chuck returned to my mind. The way that he had seen my broken heart at first, and the way that he gave me such a good feeling whenever I felt things were about to go completely wrong for me.

He was my soulmate. Bonded in blood, united by the wounds on our heart. I could feel it in my body and soul. I could feel it in the pains in my heart, in the breaks and the deep veins on my poor heart.

I pictured him there in the back seat next to me, with his arm around me and his face close to my own. The smell of the cologne on the side of his neck washed over me like a hearty wave from the ocean. The way that he also seemed to smell of cinnamon and spices as well; the mere thought of it allowed me to relax the muscles in my stomach and my hips. I needed his hand on me. I needed his lips on me.

I needed everything and yet I also needed nothing at the same time.

I leaned back in the seat and rested my arms across the tops of the seats, and all the while, I kept my eyes closed. Granted, I probably should have kept them open lest I need to know as to how to return to that house in the future, but I would rather visit that little realm of Chuck there next to me instead, even if just for a few moments. Anything to remove my mind from that conversation for the time being.

We came to a stop, and then Jeff picked up the pace. That time, I opened my eyes, and I saw we were headed onto the freeway, and I was glad that they had picked me up from the side of the road because there was no way I could have found it on my own.

Jeff rolled up his window while Larry kept his down part of the way: the wind felt good in the roots of my hair and upon my chest as we picked up the pace again and returned to their place not too far from there.

There was no way I could have found it on my own, and yet I wanted to find it on my own. I didn't want to live in a fantasy. I would rather see it for myself over time than stay there forever.

We all had to come back down to earth at some point.

Jeff clicked on the turn signal and took the next exit off into the heart of Hayward, or so I believed it to be Hayward. Larry held onto the handle over his head as we slowed down and rolled towards the stoplight there at the botttom of the offramp. We caught the light green and hung a left towards a little shopping center on the other side of the overpass.

“Lar and I were gonna grab some dinner and ask Lars, Kirk, and Cliff if they wanted any,” Jeff explained. “We got no answer at the house and we left, and that was when we found you, Joey.”

“How lucky I am,” I declared as we bounded into the parking lot. There weren't a lot of cars there, and thus, we took to the spot before the big front doors of the supermarket.

“I'll be back,” Larry told us, and he ducked out of the car, which in turn left me and Jeff alone with each other. I sighed through my nose. At least I was away from that house.

“Hopefully there'll be some good pieces of fried chicken in there,” Jeff remarked.

“Yeah, yeah,” I muttered; even though we were away from there, I couldn't stop thinking about it. He glanced back at me, and I bowed my head as a result.

“Hey, come on, what's going on with you?” he asked me with a playful slap back towards me. I fetched up a sigh and leaned forward, and I smelled the coffee and cigarettes on his hair and shoulders. At least I knew what it was, rather than having it insinuated to me while I lay there recuperating.

“Okay, but promise you won't tell anyone,” I said to him in a low voice.

“I can't tell Lar?” I shook my head at that.

“The bulk of it is a long story and I feel bad that I witnessed it so I figure I'll have to write it down for you at some point, but...” I closed my eyes and pursed my lips. I already felt awful given I had lit the fuse and it needed to burn all the way to the stick of dynamite to blow away the cold stone.

“Yes?” Jeff leaned in even closer to me. I opened my eyes to find him there right before my face with his long curls cascaded down from the side of his head.

“Metallica are in trouble,” I told him.

“Metallica are in trouble?” he repeated, and I nodded my head at him.

“Yeah. You know how they have the threesome of Lars and Kirk being eloped and Lars and Cliff engaging in an affair with each other?”

“Yeah?”

“Have you ever wondered why James isn't a part of it? Like, has it ever crossed your mind at any given point in time?”

He hesitated, to which he knitted his eyebrows together and frowned. “You know, now that you mention it, why is that?”

“James is not only with a woman, but he's sort of… let's just say 'against' the whole thing. Like it's embedded within him.”

Jeff turned his head and gazed off into space, then he widened his eyes and gaped at that.

“Oh, my god, really?” He turned his attention back to me, slightly horrified.

“Yeah,” I said. “Worse, I overheard the whole entire thing while I was still half asleep so most of it was hard to follow even though it was right in my face, but basically… I don't know if it's the real thing or not, if James is actually that against it or if they're just engaging in all of this to annoy him.”

“I could have sworn that Lars and Kirk were—”

“I guess they actually are?” I interjected with a shrug. “Cliff, I have no clue, even when I think of him and Chuck together that one night. But Lars and Kirk, definitely.”

“So they're violating the whole entire royalty thing just to annoy the fuck out of James,” Jeff followed along.

“That's my guess.” I pursed my lips at that. I had spilled the beans, and I knew I was responsible for something else thereafter. The guilt sank over me like a dead weight on my shoulders. I already had my discomfort with spying on Chuck and Cliff together while they experienced a moment alone together, but this was a whole other ballgame. Nevertheless, he cracked me a smile and brought a hand to his mouth.

“What?” I demanded.

“That's… kinda funny, actually,” Jeff chuckled.

“How so?” I folded my arms over my chest.

“I mean, think about it. They're flirting and screwing with each other just to mess with him and get him riled up, that's so funny.”

I opened my mouth to say something when Larry rounded the front of the car with a bag of fried chicken, a pack of dinner rolls, and a large bowl of salad in hand. Jeff reached across and opened the door for him.

“That was quick,” I remarked as I took the salad.

“Lar doesn't mess around,” Jeff assured me as he climbed in and tucked the chicken between his legs down below the seat. Once Larry strapped in, we headed on back to their place for some dinner alone together. At least I had my dose of comfort, and more so as Jeff lent me a D.R.I. shirt and some faded denim pants that were a little too big on him.

I lounged on the soft sofa bed with my glass of water and my tummy full of that big salad. It was so kind of Larry to buy me that because I knew there was no way my heart could handle that hearty fried chicken, even though it smelled so good all the way home.

Jeff meanwhile put on his coat, fixed his hair, and scooped up his keys from the little maroon wooden side table right by the front door. It was a little weird to think that he and Alex were only three months apart in age: he seemed a lot older than him.

“I'm gonna go out and get Lar and me some late night stuff, you want anything?”

“Nah, I'm good,” I assured him with a shake of my head. I tucked my hands behind my head and looked on at him there in the doorway.

There was something in the back of my mind that told me that it would be the last time I would see him, at least in one piece.

#like blood from a stone fanfic #like blood from a stone #fanfic #fanfiction #also on ao3 #chapter 42 #joey belladonna #jeff becerra #larry lalonde #possessed band #anthrax #anthrax fanfic #anthrax band #slash fanfiction #slash fic #writing #text

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