29th of January
To my soulmate:
Where are you? Where have you been today? We were supposed to meet each other. It seems I have to wait another year. 2020 on this day we will meet but until then it’s a another year well wasted.
2019 will hold nothing for me now.
What a way to start a year.
And what a way to start a blog lol
So the other day I kind of fell back some. I had lost five pounds in two weeks. And there’s always that time where I’m excited. Because I lost weight. But I go into this bad place where I’m like, “Do I want to lose that weight?”
I’ve been overweight all of my life. And I’m always afraid of what I’d look like thinner. Mainly because I don’t work out the way I’m supposed to - I don’t try to tone my body when I lose weight.
Because any time I make progress, what do I do? I stuff my face.
I did that the other day. And then weight myself after I ate. (Like my maybe five minutes after). And it said I was at 300.
300 pounds. A number I had vehemently tried to never get to.
And honestly, I’ve been afraid to weigh myself since that day. I haven’t weighed myself since that day. And I’ve had one other day, (August 11th) were I stuffed my face full of food. I couldn’t stop eating. I had two boxes of noodles (so like four servings) to myself in under an hour. And then twenty minutes later I had mashed potatoes and a root beer.
The only good thing I did was I had a bottle of water that day.
And then at 12AM (Aug. 12), I decided to go for a walk. In 28 minutes, I had gotten over 1,000 steps in. (1,337 steps).
My original weight (before that 300 mishap) has always been 295 - except for when I lost some weight and weighed 291 (a few days before the 300).
I keep trying to do better. I’ve been trying to walk more. Some days, I get over 6,000 steps. Which is good! But I still wish I could do more. I need to lose the weight.
I want to be down at least 20 pounds by my birthday (Oct 27).
Anyway, mainly on this blog I’ll be posting pics of inspiration, healthy recipes, workouts, my steps at the end of the day, and the end of the week type things.
isaakbutler is such a wonderful troll who is never allowed to watch Attack on Titan. Thanks to her sending me this image of Jean and Armin “doing things” all she can say is, “Wow, Armin has such a little wee wee.” and every time she does so, sakuta-ryusei dies a little inside.
In other news, I’ve been getting a steady flow of Eruri, though. >=D Thank you, hun! <3
Also, if people ask, I may post the picture of Jearmin she sent me.
Ganid. Adik sa computer. Panget. Mataba.
That’s how my brother used to describe me as human, and as his sister. To be very honest, hell yes, he’s right. Adik nga ko sa computer, 24/7 nasa harap ako ng computer. Walang araw ang matatapos na di ako nagcocomputer kasi its like that half of my life depends on this technology. Baket nga ba? Kasi pag naglalaro ako, or to be specific, pag nagbrobrowse ako online, I feel free. I feel pretty. I feel safe (not that safe like i’m safe from murderers, don’t be too literal). I feel like… myself. Kasi pag sa internet, I can talk to anybody without being judged. Unlike in personal, konti na lang eh matahin ako mula paa hanggang buhok. I can read in their eyes na they judge me based on my looks. If I’ll describe my outer appearance, di rin positive things sasabihin ko eh. Pero setting that aside, I have my reasons for loving being a computer addict. Pero I know naman na lahat ng “kinaadikan” at “sobra” ay masama, kaya alam kong may mali ako. Tanggap ko yun, di naman ako perpekto, diba? :)
Pero yung talagang nakasakit sakin is yung mga sinabi ni kuya. Sa mga sinabi niyang yun, I feel useless, horrible. Feeling ko napaka walang kwenta kong kapatid. To think of even my brother hates me. Masakit kayang isipin yun, na dalawa na lang kaming magkapatid, tapos di pa masikmura ni kuya ugali ko. Ouch, isang malaking ouch. Naawa ako kay kuya ngayon. Bakit? Kasi napakawala kong kwentang kapatid. Napaka walang kwenta kong tao. I fail in almost everything. I never did something productive. I’m not that kind of girl that you would announce to the world that “Guys, look at this pretty young lady besides me, That’s my sister and I’m proud of it!” Never kong maririnig yun kay kuya kasi I’m not deserving enough to get that kind of treatment. Isa pa, nagaway kami ng ganun infront of our exhausted and tired mother from work, Diba ang bait kong tao? Sobrang bait to the point na pwede na kong magpatiwarik.
Di pa rin ako makaget over sa nangyaring yun. Sariwa pa rin yun, kasi nangyari lang un kagahapon. One of the worst day of my 13 years of existence. I hate myself now, Thank you.