01-10-23
tomorrow I go back to class for my second year at university !! I'm so excited !! also happy october everybody! (vent about masters applications below:)
but I know that it's going to get REAL very quickly bc I'm already overwhelmed by my workload... in addition to normal uni work, I will also be attending virtual uni open days as this time next year I will be submitting my masters applications......... what?????? ive already started to narrow down my options and do a lot of research bc I know that now and the Christmas break are the only times that I'll have to do this before I have to start writing the applications???? bc I'll be too busy during term and the summer to even think about thinking about thoughts like ?? WHAT??? I was a fresher two minutes ago and now I'm booking postgrad open days like hello???? what???? but I can't say I don't love it because it's soooopo exciting and I love my subject. I'm also aiming more ambitiously in terms of the universities I'll be applying for (will have safeties ofc) so that's VERY motivating. so yeah !! eeeee!!!!!
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(4/10/23)
As someone who graduated w/ a humanities degree I want to let fellow humanities people know that
you’re not a failure for not having your dream job straight out of college/university
if it takes a long ass time for you to get that job, it’s normal
some of these people will say very unhelpful, un-uplifting things and you gotta ignore them
I don’t want to get too vulnerable, but I don’t have any comments about the light at the end of the tunnel. I just hope we all get through there.
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Some professors really forgot what it was like to be a student :O
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entry 03
do not be afraid to use technology if using paper based methods of note taking, planning and scheduling and journaling.
when i first started my research project i was afraid of using only applications and software such as Notion, drives for storage, Microsoft Word AI grammar assistance etc. I was afraid because i was told (and anxious about it myself) that i could lose my data and information if i didn't have a backup on paper.
this resulted in me not quite meeting my weekly deadlines with tasks and goals because i was spending time "backing up" all my data, planning, schedules, meeting notes, everything.
Whilst i definitely agree with others that you should have a back up, a lot of these applications and software are so well developed and have really well functioning servers, there is such a minimal chance of just losing everything. it would be more logical to make back ups on other storage platforms/drives than keeping everything in paper AS WELL. this is so time consuming and sends you in a panic every time you need to upload data, write notes, prepare documents, edit documents, review data and leaves you with notes you made hastily (and anxiously) which often times never even helped me as the notes were illegible because i was in such a rush.
of course, a paper based method for laboratory notes is a good idea as devices are not recommended in the labs if you're working with biological matter/chemical substances - pencil down your notes and then you can go home if you have the time and the need to write it onto a notion page or type up a document so that you can review the protocol and how you performed during and the outcomes, any changes you may need to make etc.
you can use notion for your research scheduling and planning and just keep a very simple bullet journal/notebook for day to day notations and planning. i had been told to make sure i have a paper based record of everything i wrote on my notion but i think you can keep an abbreviated version and rather keep a copy pasted document of this and/or screenshots and store that across multiple drives (or one if you're not an anxious academic like me, haha).
if anyone tells you how you should do something so intricately personal to each student/researcher because they do not like the interface you use (yes, i was told i should not use the one thing that has worked for me because it was too difficult for the other party to understand or review), it is obviously nice and kind to try and provide things a format they understand, but do not stop doing the thing you enjoy and that actually helps you reach your goals.
context for number 3:
i found notion through various content creators in the research realm, with mixed recommendations ranging from yes it works well to no not for me. i struggle with planning and procrastinating and academic challenges so i decided to give it a go. honestly, the fact that it was aesthetically customisable was a big plus. that is just simply something that makes me want to work. the next thing was its cross compatibility with other apps and software i used, primarily google. it helped me keep track of upcoming meetings, events and urgent tasks and provided a way for me to visually see my progress. but someone i was wokring with, whose opinion mattered very much to me, had mentioned that they were not a fan and that they did not have the time to use the interface, even though the interface was not our primary mode of communication regarding my research project, it was simply a way for them to see how i was spending my time or planning to as a student of theirs. needless to say, i gave up because their way took way too much time already. it is not a problem or a topic that requires someone to blame, i just was in the midst of an already overwhelming time in my project and had to just do what i needed to survive (lol).
anyways, the lesson i learnt was, after falling a couple months behind because of poor planning and compatibility with how i was going about my most important component of my research was that you really need to prioritise the thing that works for you. whether that is paper based or digital.
but you cannot spend every moment fearing that notion will drop off the face of the earth with all your notes and plans along with it. i wasted so much time stressing and creating paper and digital back ups of EVERYTHING. i have now had to spend essentially a month organising things across multiple emails and drives just to get a start on my next big project. the most important lesson will definitely be that you need to train and teach yourself to know what are things that require a back...
you do not need 17 backups, paper and digital of plans passed and plans to come, you will quickly be reminded or be able to recall most such things as they will stress you out and haunt you so much anyways.
however you certainly do need a sufficient back up of data that belongs to the university as part of your project, or any personal methods of tracking such things.
anyways, sorry for the long rambles i post, i am using tumblr as a way to have a blog until i can actually get a website and publish better and more concise posts. i hope you still enjoy reading or at least find some solace or advice in between it all!
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the real downward spiral that happens to post-grad young adults in their first year out of college needs to be studied because oh my god i have never felt worse in my entire life than right now ????????
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okay so I’ve been struggling with post grad life!! I’ve been applying to jobs since August and I haven’t heard a single thing and it’s been very disheartening. However, I decided I still want to make some money besides my part-time job that I’ve had since high school and I decided to put in for my substitute license.
Even though I am horrified of being in schools (especially the high school) and being around teenagers and kids. I’m so proud of myself for at least accepting a couple of jobs!! I decided to take a couple of assignments at schools that I attended and that I am comfortable with and where I know my way around so that I was not put in a dangerous situation. It’s taken a lot of courage for me to do this and I am just so proud of myself and it’s OK if nobody else is or thinks this is stupid!! I’m just really proud of myself for at least accepting jobs ❤️🩹

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[1/100]
Got some work done on my public client this morning before an all day training. Read a few chapters for leisure. Finished my Duolingo and Mondly for the day.
Hoping to get back into my studying habits so I can retake REG before busy season and mayhaps pick up one of those situp or pushup 'challenges' before the days are over. I found 100dop to be very helpful during college when I was having trouble managing things, so mayhaps this'll give me a kick start of motivation.
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me: *constantly daydreams about moving out of my hometown and restarting my entire life somewhere that I actually want to live*
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Living at home
I had been feeling like a brat lately. I wasn't eating because I was bored with the foods my mom had been making. I wanted Mexican, dim sum, Indian – anything I knew my mom wouldn't like.
I didn't want to lose a day of my weekend to take my father to church, and I knew I was selfish for feeling this way. It's not that I wasn't a believer. On the contrary, I felt spooked. If the Gods truly did speak through the priest, I was terrified of what they might say. I had too many secrets to keep.
I had been growing resentful toward my parents. It angered me how much they cared about what strangers thought because I knew it would hinder me from living my truth. I spent my entire life trying to be this perfect son. I didn't trouble them, even for things I desperately wanted. I did well in school and my career. I repressed my desires and made them proud. Yet I knew I could lose it all instantly at my own admission.
I think a part of me hated them for it. I hated them for not being there, for refusing to see me for who I am – my dad more so than my mom. I could never truly hate my mom.
I hated how my dad lived in a world of magic and fantasy. Listen to logic and reason? Never. Possessed priests and religious rituals? Always. He would come home from the temple as gleeful as a child, rattling off his fanciful observations and discoveries of the universe with youthful exuberance. I loathed him for forcing me into being the realist and the cynic.
Sure. My father was there in the ways that required fathers to be. He fed me and clothed me. He made sure I always had a bed when I came home. But he was never there in the ways that counted. To listen to me. To support me. To know me.
I hated that my parents always had to learn things the hard way and that I had literally paid the price for it in repaying their familial debt – without so much as a thank you from my father.
But most of all, I hated feeling guilty for resenting them. Deep down, I never felt justified in feeling angry at them. I hated feeling like a spoiled, petulant child and the tension that stirred inside me from my wants being at odds with my conscience. It made me feel worse about myself that my family could make me feel this way without ever doing anything.
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Diary Entry 04152024
9:19 pm
Dear Diary,
I feel so fat, ugly, sick and disgusting. I am back to 160lbs and I am disappointed in myself. I have so much time to work out, and yet I doom scroll. I am stuck and stagnant but I know I can be doing so much better. I did the one thing I didn't want to do, I let the happiness get to me. Tomorrow I have no excuses. My job is no longer exhausting me and this is the last week where I get to kinda glide through and not have any of my own assignments. So, I have to find a way to get myself into it this week. I think the worst part is that I haven't partaken in any of my hobbies. I kinda find myself in that weird stage of again, scrolling my life away. I feel really anxious about it because there are things I really want to do and I am letting the days fleet into oblivion. I want more for myself so I will be doing more.
I have many mixed feelings, I hate that I can't put my phone down. I hate how I feel about my friends. My relationship with my dad has shifted and its strange, I hate living at home, but I couldn't move out even if I wanted to, I want to make future plans with my boyfriend, I feel fat, I hate how fucking horny I am all the time. I want more for myself. I told myself this would be the week I start my routine and yet I am still doing the last minute bullshit I've been doing, and I fucking hate it.
I do not have plans for graduation pictures yet, I don't even have a dress!!! Truly that's one of the biggest routes of my stress because I don't want anyone else to take my photos, but I also need him to be honest about if he can even take mine. I NEED to be the one to bring it up too because obviously my pictures are not a priority, and they shouldn't be. But it's the fact that I am so fucking over undergrad and it keeps rearing its disgusting head back into my life. I worked my ass off to get away from it and here it is, still in the way. I am going to have to take off work to graduate college, like how stupid is that.
ALSO.. I feel also a little bothered by the fact that my boyfriend hung up the phone with me to take a video of the sunset and then didn't call me back like.. why haven't you called me back? I know I am over thinking but when I am stressed about one thing, I stress about 20 other things and become overwhelmed. It's truly one of my fatal character flaws.
Today, I also ate like shit. I haven't eaten like shit in a long ass time. Not only did I eat like shit, I also just ate a lot. Like started the day off with egg salad, then I attempted to eat this spicy ramen that was way too fucking spicy, which made me drink milk. I added yellow rice to try to mellow out the spiciness of my ramen but that really didn't help, so I gave up on it. For dinner, I ate more yellow rice and three fried chicken wings, two drums and a flat. Finished off with an ice cream sandwich. BTW I have a cavity that has been bothering me for weeks. But my fucking dentist went and moved and the office was rebranded, still a dentist, just not the one who takes my insurance.
Why are services only open during working hours requiring you to take off so that you can use them. Why should I have to lose money so that I can spend money to have services I need done. Also, I still haven't found a PCP (primary care provider). I hate this adulting thing a lot. I am scared that I am not going to be a good adult because there are already so many things I do not do on my own or lack.
I try to convince myself I'll be fine, but then I remember I plan on sharing my life with someone who is so competent and capable of living on their own, they got the CHANCE to live on their own, will I ever? It doesn't seem likely.
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Post Graduation FOMO
I’m still very much a new grad, but with 2024 commencement rapidly approaching I’m suddenly realizing how far removed from college I am. I know I always say that I can’t believe how much time has passed, but seriously I’m genuinely floored by the fact that I graduated college nine and a half months ago.
I’ve been told that the first summer break hits particularly hard. And while I can see how that may be true, if like me your closest friends are a class year younger, their senior spring hits very hard. Even though I’m less stressed than I was in college and I do enjoy my work and the new life I’m creating, I really miss my college friends and have recently been feeling a lot of FOMO as my friends make the most of their senior spring, plan a fun spring break trip with some of their new friends, and figure out their post-grad plans.
Fortunately, I will get to spend time with them in just over two months as I’ve decided to visit for senior week. However, I can’t help but feel a bit nervous about how things will have changed in a year and that I’ll realize how much I did miss out on. Things aren’t this simple as I almost certainly wouldn’t have made the same friends or had the same great experiences, but part of me does wish I could trade away my sophomore year to be a senior now. I know it’s not at all helpful to dwell on this, but I also do think that being honest and capturing these feelings is generally a good thing.
At the end of the day, I am grateful for having made the friends I did during college and that I’m able to call them friends today. I also recognize my great fortune in having a college degree and an incredible job straight out of school. Finally, two of the best parts of my post-college life have been cooking for myself and bouldering regularly.
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A Blog For Me
I'm starting this blog because I'm honestly not doing entirely well. About three months ago, I graduated with Honours after four years at Drama school. It was, frankly, a harrowing and chaotic time, but there was always something to do: scenes to be rehearsed, self tapes to film, movies to review. Even when I didn't want to be doing half the stuff I had to get done in order to pass, I knew deep down that being told what to do was good. It was a 9-5, Monday- Friday, full commitment type of thing. No time for a job. No time for non-actor friends. Four years of all-out hustle.
And then it sort of just ended. I'm yet to pick up that little paper that says I've done it (graduation ceremony is next month), but for all intents and purposes, it is done. By the end of the whole thing, I was just fed up. I wanted to be done with uni and be getting on with my life, figuring out who I am and who I was away from homework and constant assignments.
Turns out, I am very unfunctional.
I am no longer forced to be somewhere every day, and so I stay in bed. I have no real work experience, so I fear the real world. Anyone who isn't forced to see me every day anymore chooses not to. I am chronically friendless. Oh, and I graduated AGENTLESS!! It's a classic actor's story- study all through drama school, and leave with nothing to show for it. Deadbeat, some would say.
So why blog? Well, for one (if it isn't clear enough), I am lonely and I figure typing into the void at the hopes of someone hearing me out might be a tad therapeutic. Also, I used to love this whole tumblr thing when I was 15 and now that I'm 21, I figure there was probably something in that. Finally, I'm kind of praying that there's someone else out there like me- lonely and quite afraid- who can maybe hold my hand and possibly even advise me through this whole thing.
A fair warning: this blog won't be pleasant. It's sort of a final plea. I am a very depressed and negative person these days, which I'm desperate to change. It might get dark here and there. Not to worry! I will tag appropriately!
But, you know, I've done a lot of googling: 'How do I love my life?', 'What is my purpose? (quiz)', 'Should I just pack everything and go?' That kind of stuff. And google doesn't really know either. So. Blog. I'm trying a blog.
Currently my days consist of a good 2 hours trying to figure out how I'm going to get out of bed, doing a 20- 40 minute yoga session after breakfast, showering, and gaming until the day is over. I live with my parents, but it's clear that if I don't get my shit together, they might start thinking about kicking me out. I want to get a job, but every time I think about writing a resume I get scared and chicken out. I'm an actor and a writer, but I'm terrified of putting myself out there because I don't think I'm good enough. All my fellow graduates are 'doing the thing'. Have agents, making films, etc. Successful. I am the failure of the year. I'm considering giving up. Even though I haven't even really tried yet. Pathetic, I know.
Tonight the dream is to get a job, save my money, and volunteer on a farm in Italy early next year. Travel alone. Idk. If I don't feel like I have anything going for me, then there's no harm in running off for a little while. Tomorrow, I will think about the dreaded resume and never end up writing it. This is the pattern of my life.
Expect an update in a few days, or maybe a week, when something or nothing changes.
I turn 22 next week.
TLDR: I am a depressed post-grad with nothing going for me. I'm trying to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. I want to be happy. This blog will document my journey.
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help me choose!
i want to make a well written, more informative and more coherent blog post, where i put even more thought, research, and time into developing it. but i need help picking the topic:
- AI in research/academia but for biologists as the application and practicality of AI does vary from field to field
or
- What a marine biologist in South Africa thinks about the tourism industry in South Africa; impacts, implications and a plea to those interested in visiting!
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It feels really weird graduating, or about to graduate in my case. I am terrified with what I am going to do with my life. With the job economy, the normal economy, and the mountain of social issues that just keep growing and growing, I struggle to see myself anywhere in the future. I struggle to see myself alive in the future. Is any of this worth it? Is fighting worth it? I want to know if I am the only one struggling with this.
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Hi everyone! Does anyone going to see this post? It's been a long time. I think about posting a lot but i never find the motivation i guess. Anyway long story short i'm back -at least i will try to- any support is welcome!
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