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#posting this in time for chuuya's birthday today
kentopedia · 9 months
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i miss when we first met
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FEATURING. dazai osamu x f!reader & f!reader x chuuya nakahara — wc: 15.1k
SUMMARY: you'd always been in love with Dazai, but you started to doubt that he'd ever cared for you in return. chuuya, though, had never shown you anything but true affection.
CONTENTS: nsfw 18+ ONLY, pm!dazai, pm!reader, mostly dazai x reader but…, unhealthy relationship dynamics, voyeurism, cheating, manipulation, smut, degradation, guns, angst, dazai is very bad at expressing emotions, pet names, horrible communication, unrequited (?) love, the list goes on bc they’re in the port mafia just be warned
note: this took me like 4 months to finish & i am so so nervous to post it lmao. i wanted to write something different & this is very outside my comfort zone! :) but it's dazai's birthday so i figured i might as well share it today
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You rolled onto your side away from Dazai, still breathing heavily as you came down from your high.
Beside you, he had shifted onto his forearms, moving up against the headboards to sit up straight. The covers fell off of him, revealing the marks that you’d left all over his body, the scars from a life lived in the mafia.
Under the red silk sheets, you were silent, your head settling into the pillow as you stared at him.
He’d deny it, but he was beautiful, a tempting, alluring creature that you couldn’t get enough of.
But you also knew Lucifer had once been God’s most beautiful angel, and it only made sense that Dazai Osamu would hold the same kind of exquisiteness.
Dazai closed his eyes, rolled his neck as he leaned back, stretching out all of the stiff muscles. He didn’t touch you again, kept a distance as he wiped the sweat that had dried on his forehead, the fluids that had stained the sheets between you.
He used to talk to you, after something so intimate. Used to hold you in his arms and trace your skin with a gentleness you didn’t know he possessed. He hadn’t always been cruel when he fucked you, hadn’t always put his own needs before yours.
Of course, Dazai had never loved you. That was something you were certain of in your very core. But he’d held at least some shred of respect for you before becoming the head of the Port Mafia. Now, you didn’t think he saw you as anything more than a means to an end.
It didn’t matter, though. It didn’t matter that Dazai spoke to you minimally when you two weren’t alone, that everyone in the Port Mafia knew you were nothing more than the woman who slept in his bed.
It didn’t matter because you loved him. You’d stood by his side since the beginning, since he’d recruited Chuuya, since he’d lost Oda.
Since he’d killed Mori.
You’d been with him through all of it, seen every horrid side to him, and you’d never once wanted to escape. Dazai had his claws in you, and he had them in deep. The thought of being anywhere but with him had never crossed your mind.
“Akutagawa told me what happened yesterday.”
You blinked, snapping out of your haze as Dazai regarded you with cool, condescending eyes. He was peering at you from over his shoulder, picking his dark button-up off the floor. The skin on his back was red from scratches, the lines dragging through his taut skin.
“Did he?” you said, looking down at your nails. You hadn’t expected anything less. Akutagawa did everything in his power to get exaltation from Dazai. “I’m sure his report was thorough.”
Dazai’s jaw clenched. His eyes narrowed, a darkened tint flashing in them. “That’s all you have to say?”
His voice was unamused, icy, and it reminded you that no matter how many times you crawled into his bed, let him use you however he wanted, he was still your boss. He was Dazai Osamu, the man whom everyone in Yokohama feared.
You swallowed. “I’m sorry.” Your gaze twisted away from him, unable to meet his hardened expression completely. “I was distracted. It was my fault entirely.”
Dazai made a noise in the back of his throat as he moved out of the bed. He sauntered across the room, so quietly and cat-like, and you buried yourself deeper into the mattress, wanting to sink into it completely.
“You’re lucky, then, that Akutagawa was able to deflect the bullets.” He began replacing the bandages that had slipped off of his face, covering his cheek with disgust.
He let you see him completely when it was just the two of you. It took every ounce of your self-control not to read into that, to wonder if it was just a habit leftover from when you were younger.
“I am lucky.”
Truthfully, you’d only hesitated for half of a second, momentarily lost in your own loop of suffering, and your opponent had gotten an edge on you. They’d shot at you, then the bomb, nearly prematurely blowing up the building.
“After decades of work, I would’ve thought you’d know better by now.” Dazai sighed wearily, like your presence irritated him. It probably did. “I’ll consider moving you. I’m sure there’s a place for you where you can’t get yourself killed if you fuck up.”
“Dazai—” you swallowed, a horrid tasting stinging your mouth as you remembered your time with him had come to an end. He was back to being Mori’s underling, the man who looked at the city like it was nothing but a chessboard. “Boss,” you remedied quickly, all too used to addressing him differently. It was difficult, sometimes, to recognize where Dazai began, and the Port Mafia’s boss ended. “It was a stupid error. In all the time you’ve known me, have I ever done something like that before?”
Dazai hesitated momentarily, before tensing his shoulders. He didn’t answer your question. “Don’t let it happen again.” A warning was in his eyes when they met yours through the mirror. “I don’t have the patience to find a replacement for you, and Akutagawa’s too valuable an asset to lose to a seasoned professional’s careless mistake.”
You exhaled, looking back down at your hands. The ones that had already been stained in so much blood, wrought with crime and bad intent. “Understood.”
You finally climbed out of the bed, missing the warmth that it gave you, even though Dazai’s cold body always sucked it away. He laid so stiffly next to you most of the time. You remembered when he used to sleep with his forehead pressed to the back of your neck.
As you dressed, Dazai kept his eyes on his work, never paying you any attention. You felt discarded, useless, and you wanted to hate him, wanted to hate yourself for longing to wrap your arms around him, hug him from behind.
“I’ll send you with Chuuya tomorrow,” he said, scanning reports and assignments that he’d thrown aside lazily last night. “An easy assignment outside of Yokohama. Think you can manage that?”
“Just give me the job.” You snatched the paper out of Dazai’s hand, and he didn’t say a word, only watched as you perused it. It was, really, the simplest task he’d given you in the past few weeks. You’d felt like he’d been overworking you just to avoid you. “Fine. I’ll take it.”
Dazai’s smile widened, sinister, and wicked. He brushed his hand delicately over your shoulder, against your neck before patting you on the head. “I trust you won’t let me down.”
Going against every sensible atom in your being, you smiled wearily. His minimal display of affection warmed you, a deep pang settling in your soul. “Have I ever?”
“No.” He held a sort of awed fascination, twisting a part of your hair between his fingers. “How lucky someone must be to be my greatest enemy. To get the kiss of death from an angel is not such a bad way to die.”
He held your cheek in his delicate fingers, and you were putty in his hands, wishing that his eyes would soften, even by a fraction. That his hand would cup around his cheek like he meant it.
Instead, he pulled away, and you felt cold, cold, cold, drowning in your own emptiness.
You scoffed, trying to regain some power in the situation. “I’m no angel.”
“Hm,” Dazai hummed, dropping his head in his hands, resuming a spot behind the desk, the deep red chair much too similar to the one in his office, the one that Mori had inherited from the previous boss. “Perhaps not to others.”
And you grew hot, feeling that, maybe, Dazai was giving you a compliment.
It was at times like these that you saw the semblance of your previous relationship. When you could tease him without feeling the weight of his superior rank looming over you. When you could kiss him without tasting venom. When you didn’t have to wonder if it would be appropriate to touch him, or if you should keep your distance.
You wanted to quit him. Really, you did.
He was a horrible, loathsome person.
You’d never be able to stop loving him.
“I could never be any sort of heavenly creature, Dazai. My spot in hell was sealed the moment I sided with the Devil.”
Dazai laughed, the sound raw and dry, so humorless. “I hope you don’t mean me. Flattery will get you nowhere,” he tsked, the tip of his tongue scratching against the back of his white teeth.  
You certainly hadn’t meant that as a compliment.
“Should I say goodbye before I leave?” you asked wryly, doubting that he’d even want to see you again. His image burned against the back of your eyelids, and you drank him in, hoping that when you died, his face would be the last thing you saw.
Dazai didn’t grace you with a simple yes or no. Instead, he glanced up briefly, his one eye exposed, mere centimeters of skin uncovered. “Goodbye.”
You nodded; lips pressed tightly together as you accepted the dismissal. With a sigh, you were out of the room, wondering why you hadn’t just showered before you left. Most of your clothes were in Dazai’s closet anyway.
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You didn’t see him again before you left.
The assignment Dazai had given you was a few cities over, a task of infiltrating an enemy organization who’d gotten a little too close to the Mafia’s boundaries. It was simple enough, especially with Chuuya at your side, though the whole ordeal had you away from home for a weekend, and far too much time with your own thoughts.
Dazai had set the two of you up in a suite, one with two separate bedrooms and a shared living space. It was much more luxurious than you even needed, with a view overlooking the entire city and an extensive bar in the kitchen. The furniture was a deep, black leather, every accent dark in color.
It was conspicuous, but you’d grown too used to extravagance after being with Dazai. You allowed yourself to indulge in it.
A silly notion, really; the place you slept every night was much more lavish.
You scrubbed the blood off your face, your hands, and stared at yourself in the mirror without recognizing the person before you. The water at the bottom of the shower was a macabre shade, staining the tiles as it swirled down the drain.
Shivering, you tried to reconcile all of the things you’d done, shelve them away before you could wonder if all of it was really worth it. If Dazai was really worth it.
When you finally emerged from the bathroom, your skin rubbed raw, Chuuya was sitting at the bar, a freshly cracked bottle of wine before him. His back was tense, muscles strained as he regarded you with weary eyes, the darker shade under them obvious and alarming.
“Took you long enough,” Chuuya snorted, pouring himself a glass. The bottle was aged and dark, the label faded. He must have brought it along with him; it certainly hadn’t come from the hotel. “I was getting bored.”
You made a face, taking the seat beside him. “Well, there was a lot of blood.” You reached over to snatch the bottle, pressing it to your lips before he could protest.
“Help yourself, then,” His expression was sour, but his acerbic tone held a hint of amusement. “Do you know how expensive that is?”
“No.” You shrugged, taking a sip. Money had stopped meaning anything to you a long time ago. “Should I care?” The liquid warmed your throat on the way down.
“Probably not. You’ve surely got enough cash behind you to buy me another one.”
“Right.” You snorted and wondered how much of that stuff you’d have to drink before you’d stop feeling a thing. Thoughts of the crumbling bond that you and Dazai shared wouldn’t leave you alone. “And you don’t?”
Chuuya laughed, twirling the glass in his gloved hand. There was a hardened edge to him that you didn’t like. Opposed to Dazai, Chuuya had always been much more open with you, more willing to share his thoughts. “Well, we can’t all be Dazai’s favorite. You’ve got the keys to the kingdom, my dear. Whatever belongs to the Mafia belongs to you too.”
“Favorite?” You spat out the word, darkening at the mention of Dazai, the man who never seemed to leave your brain. It was always Dazai, Dazai, Dazai. The youngest executive there had ever been, the one who’d become the head of the Port Mafia just a few years later.
You hated him. Wished you could burn the memory of that haunted man entirely.
“Hm?” Chuuya leaned forward like he hadn’t heard you.
A bitter flavor blossomed on your tongue when you thought of saying his name out loud. “I don’t want to talk about Dazai right now.”
You brought the bottle to your lips again; it was starting to feel lighter.
“Why?” Chuuya’s eyes dimmed as he stared at you, looking for something hidden in your irises. A secret that wouldn’t be there. You’d always been too easy to read. “Did something happen?”
“I said I don’t want to talk about Dazai, and you immediately think something’s wrong?”
He blinked. Hesitated. “Well, I spent my teenage years listening to you talk about him like a lovesick fool. The subsequent years watching him stare at you in the same way.” He took the bottle away from you, tipping his head back. “Something must be wrong.”
You felt a flush at your neck, the skin itching with sweat. It was cruel of Chuuya to allude to any emotions from Dazai, when you knew they weren’t there. “That’s not true.”
Chuuya sighed. “Isn’t it?”
Although his temper had always been much worse than yours, you felt the same sort of anger claw at your back. The urge to scream at him became almost insuppressible. “Dazai doesn’t care about me like that.” You flopped down on the bar, alcohol fuzzing the edges of your senses. It felt nice, warm.
Maybe being away from the Port Mafia was better for you than you thought.
“Don’t be stupid.” Chuuya’s eyes had narrowed when your head fell forward, his fist clenching around the bottle.
“Stupid?” You immediately sat up, blood rushing straight to your head. Who was Chuuya to come and tell you everything he thought he knew? It was laughable, really. “He doesn’t care, and I think I’d know. Fuck you, Chuuya.”
You slammed your fist down on the table, hurt. You didn’t understand why Chuuya would side with Dazai when he knew how much the situation troubled you. How often had you bared your soul to him, told him how Dazai’s aloofness had hurt you over and over again?
His eyes softened, an apology immediately leaving his lips. “I’m sorry—”
“Are you?” The words were vehement. Chuuya was shamelessly against your relationship with Dazai, always coming up with one reason or another to get you out of it. Now, it seemed, he was trying to defend it. “Dazai cares or he doesn’t. You can’t keep changing your mind based on the situation.”
“Dazai does care.” Chuuya said the words like they pained him to leave his mouth, each one dragging a dagger against his chin. “You think he’d keep you around if he didn’t?”
You did. You knew that you had use outside of Dazai’s feelings, just like Chuuya, just like Akutagawa. Just like every menial grunt who had a shred of value for the Mafia.
“He cares that I have value to him.” A sigh left your lips, and you sunk your chin onto your palm, feeling like nothing more than the dramatic woman in a Shakesperian tragedy. Really, you couldn’t remember when you’d become so pathetic. “What will become of me when I can’t sink a bullet into the skull of his enemies anymore?”
Chuuya frowned, the wrinkles deepening on his forehead. “No one can predict what Dazai will do.” He let you steal his half-full glass of wine, keeping the bottle safely tucked away from you. “Would it make much difference to you if we could?”
“I suppose not.” You’d grown tired, the subtle buzz of alcohol coming in quick on your empty stomach. “Nothing matters much anymore. I’ll never leave the Port Mafia.” Saying the words out loud made it more real than you’d intended, even though it was a fact that had sunk deep into your bones the day you’d met the dark-haired, suicidal bastard. “Why do I have to love him, Chuuya? Why can’t I love a good man?”
You thought, why can’t I love you instead, and left it unsaid. The words might have been too cruel. You knew the pain of unrequited emotions.
“Because you’re in the Port Mafia. Good men would know to stay away.” Chuuya drummed his fingers against the countertop before reaching out, contemplative. Though you remained unmoving in your seat, his hand still retracted before he touched you, as if burned. There was caution in his movements, every action calculated—Chuuya was usually the opposite, as intelligent as he was. “Besides. You’ve never tried to let Dazai go. You don’t want to.”
“I want to,” you said defensively, though even to your own ears, the statement was weak. Dazai was an addiction, and you’d go back to him time and time again. Even when, sometimes, you weren’t so sure there was anything good about him. “I just don’t know how. What would I do out there in the world without Dazai?” You laughed, amused. A normal life didn’t seem possible—you’d have no idea where to start.
Chuuya’s face pinched in disgust. “Take over the Port Mafia. Kill him and run it yourself.” He huffed, running a hand over his eyes, exhausted. “There’s a solution. If you really want to get rid of him.”
You blinked back at him. A moment passed; you’d forgotten he was looking for a response.
“I suspected as much.” His shoulders slumped, defeated, as you drew back in shame. “How long will you talk yourself into this endless cycle of torment? Dazai isn’t the same man that you fell in love with, and he never will be again.” He met your eyes, cold and guarded. “There’s nothing to be done about that. If you want Dazai so badly, put up with every single part of him. I’m tired of listening to the same grievances, time and time again.” 
Chuuya made to stand, but you stopped him, grabbing his wrist lightly. He glared at you from over his shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” you said, trying to convey your apology sincerely. “You’re completely right. I’ve never tried to let Dazai go, and maybe I can.”
You didn’t give Chuuya time to formulate a response. Before he could understand what was happening, you leaned forward, catching him off guard, and planted your lips on his.
For one singular moment, Chuuya had kissed you back, tasting your mouth in its entirety, before he shoved you away, scrubbing his skin like he’d been burned.
“Don’t do that.” He had a hand in your face, scolding you like a child. “Don’t ever fucking do that again.”
You stared at him; his dark eyes were full of an emotion you had never seen before. “Why not? You said I should try to let him go.”
“Not by kissing me, fucking hell.” Chuuya hissed, his voice just above a whisper like someone else was listening in. Something vile had been unleashed in him as he gesticulated around wildly. “You’re Dazai’s.” He scoffed. “Do you think any smart man would do anything with you, knowing you sleep in that monster’s bed every night?”
You sniffed, sticking your jaw out. Maybe, you’d been wrong all this time. Chuuya was like everyone else, wasn’t he? Holding you at a distance because you cared for the wrong person.
“I’m not leaving the Mafia. I’m not leaving Dazai.” You reached across the table, grabbing one of his cold hands. “I just want to be someone else for once. To know what it’s like for someone to care about me so completely.”
“It’s not going to be with me.” Chuuya yanked his hand away, laughing mirthlessly. “I never thought you’d try to manipulate me like this. “You’ve been spending too much time with him.”
Your eyes flashed, infuriated. Chuuya looked at you with some kind of betrayal, like he wasn’t the exact same way, like he wasn’t the same kind of vile person that you were. “I know you’re in love with me, Chuuya. I know you’ve looked at me since we were sixteen years old, wished so badly I would look at you the same way.”
His jaw clenched, the anger giving way to something else. “Don’t start.”
“You’ve wanted me all this time, haven’t you?” It was a genuine question; one you’d always been too scared to voice. Chuuya was the only person you considered to be a friend and knowing that he felt that way about you would ruin your friendship completely.
Though you had one sip too much of alcohol running through your veins, and you’d spent two days wondering how you could stop feeling a single thing for Dazai. Rationality had left you entirely.
Chuuya was silent, still watching you with hesitance.
“You’re the only person in the Mafia who really cares about me, aren’t you?” you said, softer, wondering if you could lure him in. Spring him into a trap you’d both be certain to regret in the morning. “You’re the one who talks to me about everything, who watches out for my well-being. Who’s never looked at me like I was anything but the prettiest girl in the world.”
And though Chuuya still didn’t trust your actions, his eyes had softened just a hair, his body releasing the tension. “You are.”
You smiled, but his compliment made you feel nothing but guilt. “Then why won’t you let me kiss you, Chuuya?”
“Because.” He scraped a hand over his face, breathing heavily like it was taking every ounce of his willpower to resist you “Dazai will kill me, you understand? He’ll kill you.”
“Wouldn’t you at least like to know?” You invaded his personal space. Each word you spoke cracked him a little bit more. “I know you’ve imagined me spread out before you, entirely exposed to you. How I’d look with my hips arching off the bed, crying out your name—”
“Stop it.”
“I’m right, aren’t I?” You felt like you were losing your mind. Something had cracked in you, and you couldn’t come back from it. Things would never go back to the way they were after those careless words had been tossed into the world. “You’ve always wanted me, so why, when I’m giving myself to you completely, won’t you accept?”
Chuuya swallowed. His voice had grown thick with desire. He raked his eyes over you cautiously. “You’re asking a lot from me, baby.” He held your cheek, grazing the bone in the gentle way that Dazai had forgotten. “Believe me, I want to. But you’ve had a lot to drink.”
“I haven’t,” you said, grabbing his wrist before he could pull away. The touch of another person felt so nice against your icy skin. “I’m okay. I’m not drunk.” You weren’t—the alcohol had just made you brave enough to ask. “Please, Chuuya.”
He swallowed thickly. “He’ll kill me.”
“And he’ll kill me. Just as you said.” You met his eyes completely, wondering why you couldn’t care for this man in the same way, why his lips weren’t as alluring as Dazai’s, why his voice didn’t set a blaze deep in your stomach. “Do you really care whether Dazai thinks of me as his?”
His cheeks were flushed, eyebrows pinched, and you spotted the moment he began to draw back. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. I just can’t.”
Then, you panicked, eyes becoming glassy as he released you, turning to retreat back to his bedroom, and you scrambled for another way, a way to bring him back to you.
“Chuuya, please,” you said, desperation in every syllable, and when he turned around, you knew you had him wrapped around your finger. “I just want to know what it’s like with a person who loves me. Can’t you give me that?”
That was it. That was all you had to say. When Chuuya bowed his head, you knew he’d given in.
“Why do you think I can give you what he can’t?” Chuuya’s voice was nothing more than a whisper. “I’m not that kind of man. I’m not the kind of man you’re looking for.”
“No,” you said. “You’re not that kind of man. You’re Chuuya. The only person that’s always been there for me.”
He hesitated, momentarily, before sweeping you into his arms, his touch the softest you’d ever felt. “Are you certain that you want this?”
“Yes.”
“Then it doesn’t matter if Dazai kills me.” Chuuya spoke into your mouth, carving the words into your aching heart. “You were always going to be the death of me, anyway.”
His lips were upon you again, kissing you with the hunger of a starved man, and you gave him back as much as you could, which was the despair of a lonely woman. His touch was one of loving hands as guided you back into the bedroom tenderly.
When your back hit the bed, he asked if you were okay, asked if everything was comfortable. The concern in his eyes had rarely been seen in Dazai’s own—you couldn’t remember the last time he’d taken care of you first.
“I’m fine, Chuuya,” you promised again and again, and you smiled, caressing the soft skin of his jaw.
His lips pulled back in return, and then your shirt was thrown over your head, carelessly tossed towards the corner of the room. Though, no matter how many articles of clothing you lost, the necklace that Dazai had given you still rested against your collarbone.
You cupped your palm around it, trying to avert Chuuya’s gaze as he stared down at the precious metal, something conflicting in his cool irises.
“It’s okay,” you said, doing your best to distract him. You wouldn’t take the necklace off. It didn’t matter how much Dazai had hurt you; you needed the reminder of the absolute infidelity you were committing. “Keep going.”
Feeling more anxious than you had before, you kissed Chuuya, trying to dispel the bile that gathered in the back of your throat.
“You’re so beautiful,” Chuuya said, kissing every inch of your face, his hands hovering over your chest. “I could look at you forever, and it wouldn’t be long enough.”
Chuuya’s sentiments warmed you, but words weren’t enough. You pulled his vest off, then the buttoned-shirt and every other intricate article of clothing he wore.
It felt wrong. His height was wrong. His skin felt too warm under your palm.
“When did you fall in love with me?” you asked, breathing heavily. Desire pooled in your abdomen against your will, your own heart betraying you. Still, it was nothing more than the most basic reaction of human nature, raw and primal, unaffected by the organ that was jailed within your ribcage.
Chuuya was surprised by the question, and he paused, his face just inches above your stomach. “I think I realized when I was seventeen.” He huffed out a laugh, inhaling your perfume. “It was the first time I saw Dazai kiss you. I thought I was going to be sick.” He continued kissing down your body, sliding your pants past your hips. “I’d always wanted you. I guess I just didn’t realize until then.”
You exhaled, feeling tears spring to the corners of your eyes, ones you suppressed.
Dazai had given you flowers that day. You remembered how they smelled, the rainy spring breeze. The way the sun reflected in his brown irises, melting them into candied honey that brightened his entire complexion.
“Then take me, Chuuya. If you’ve wanted me for so long, then fuck me like you mean it.”
His dark eyes flashed, but his gentle caresses never turned rough, never sped through a single moment you had together. You smiled, your expression peaceful and open when he finally slid your panties off, your cunt throbbing as his finger brushed against your swollen clit.
Chuuya took his time with you, singing praises that you hadn’t heard in a long time, and you came once around his slender fingers, the ones that were much less skilled at knowing every place you enjoyed being touched.
When he finally sunk inside you, you still felt empty, unfulfilled. You tried to lose yourself in his mouth, in the taste of wine and Chuuya, and dug your fingers into his back.
“Feel so good around me, baby.” Chuuya whispered into your skin, imprinting the words into your neck. He was careful not to leave any marks, though he wanted to, wanted to claim you as his own. “Taking me so well.”
You tugged on his hair as he kissed down your collarbone, between your breasts, his breath hot and heavy. Though you cried out, you kept your voice quiet, still fearful that someone might hear, might know exactly what kind of betrayal you’d committed.
Chuuya thrust into you slowly, so much gentler than Dazai, hitting the spot deep inside of you that had you arching off the bed. “Fuck,” he said, choking on his own breath. “You have no idea how you make me feel.” He was full of desperation, his hands digging into your hips.
“Chuuya,” you said, holding his head between your palms.
He gave you the brightest smile in return, sad and meaningful. “I know. I can feel you squeezing me tighter. Let go for me, doll.”
His hair was just as soft, but it wasn’t dark enough, wasn’t short enough. His kiss didn’t feel the same, and you felt tears blurring your vision as you realized you’d never wanted him, you only wanted Dazai, and this was all wrong.
Still, you came around him, as he was buried deep inside you, but his name never left your lips, not even as a breathy whisper, because the one that was sitting there was Osamu.
And when he pulled out of you, you stroked him with practiced laziness, moving your hands in the way you knew Dazai liked, even though Chuuya felt so much different in your palm.
Chuuya kissed you as warmth flooded into your hand, and then he was breathing heavily, collapsing onto the bed next to you. He kissed you over and over, holding you tight, and you smiled, satisfied, because at the least, you knew this was what love felt like.
You’d never get it from the man you wanted, so you’d take it from Chuuya, even if it made you feel rotten inside.
The room smelled like sex and betrayal, and Chuuya took care of you, carried you out of the bed for a bath, and gently rinsed away the sweat and grime.
You were silent for most of the time, only reassuring him when he asked if you were alright.
For the first time, maybe you were. You imagined a future where you could learn to love Chuuya, a future where you were finally able to rid yourself of Dazai and start over again.
But it was nothing more than a delusion, a dream that would never happen. Dazai was a part of your soul. You knew that and Chuuya knew that, even as he closed his eyes next to you, the woman that would never give her love to anyone else. Your heart beat and bled for Dazai Osamu, every inch of your being meant for him. It would kill you to let him go, and if he died, you’d die right alongside him.
You turned away from Chuuya, burying your face in your hands, completely unaware that he’d left the bed to sleep in the other room.
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You didn’t talk to Chuuya the next morning, not when you took a private car back to Yokohama, not when you stepped foot back onto the Mafia headquarters. Things between you had soured, just as you’d suspected, and you didn’t know how to fix it, didn’t think there was any way to go back from what had happened.
Higuchi was waiting for the two of you when you walked in the door, her blazer perfectly pressed, and her shirt tucked. She greeted you with a half-smile—gesturing towards the stairs. “The boss wants to see all of us for a meeting. He said you two would be arriving at this time.”
You nodded, and Chuuya scoffed, shaking his head. “I’ll never understand his superhuman ability to know what’s happening all of the time.”
Swallowing, you followed Higuchi, trying not to hear the foreboding nature of Chuuya’s statement.
Most high-ranking Mafia members were in attendance, with Dazai at the head of the table, the dark wooden chair beside him eerily empty and welcoming. You took a seat, and Dazai’s eyes ran over you, smoothly and hastily, before a small smile appeared on his features. “No injuries?” he said, and though his tone was professional, you could hear the slightest bit of concern.
“None,” you said, and something in your voice cracked, ever so slightly.
You were such a fool. You’d never be able to hide something like this from Dazai.
He eyed you suspiciously, before sliding his glance over to Chuuya, who was as cool as usual. His face was shadowed by his hat, hiding any evidence of a sleepless night.
“Chuuya,” Dazai said, tucking his palm into his hand. “Debrief.”
Your partner gave Dazai every last detail, summarizing as best he could, and sliding in the occasional sarcastic remark as he leaned back casually in the chair. Dazai listened with boredom in his expression, drumming his fingers against the table until Chuuya’s monologue was complete.
He turned to Akutagawa, who bowed his head an immediately launched into his own assignment.
You blinked—you hadn’t realized that Akutagawa’s squad had been sent elsewhere. It made no sense for Dazai to send you with Chuuya when your own division had a separate mission.
The meeting wrapped up quickly, and the members scattered, going their own separate ways for the afternoon. Chuuya refused to meet your eye as he got up from the table, one of the last to leave the room.
As you stood, Dazai closed a hand around your wrist, his thumb brushing your pulse.
“Was the hotel alright?” he asked, his head titled curiously. “You look tired.”
You took a sharp breath.
Fuck.
“It was fine, Osamu,” you said, and when his name slipped easily from your tongue, something in him changed. He loosened the hand on your wrist before releasing it entirely, the bandaged palm falling into his lap. “Thank you.”
Dazai nodded, turning away from you, and you’d forgotten that there were still other people in the room. Akutagawa, who lingered with morbid curiosity, and his sister, who had always sort of pitied you for your tumultuous relationship, bore witness to the brief interaction.
Behind them, Chuuya stood tense, his back straight as he crossed the threshold, sparing you only a glimpse before exiting into the darkened hallway.  
“Alright,” Dazai said in a hushed voice, his face schooled back into the usual, guarded expression. “I’ll see you later.”
It wasn’t much of a response, and he didn’t elaborate, keeping his steely eyes ahead as some low-ranking members trudged in for a meeting with their boss. He’d be busy all afternoon, it seemed.
You swallowed, and left, knowing that it was fruitless to try and keep a secret from him.
Chuuya waited for you outside, his arms crossed as he regarded you with a contempt that hadn’t been there before, such a contrast to the loving man you had seen last night. “This changes everything, you know?”
“I know,” you said, your voice thick with unshed tears. “I’m sorry, Chuuya.”
“Don’t be sorry,” he scoffed. “I was the fool. I made my choice.” Chuuya sighed, scrubbing a hand over his face. “I meant what I said, though. Yesterday. It was all true, and if you need anything, I’ll be here.”
You felt a chasm open in your chest, and you wished the floor would’ve swallowed you whole. You were losing everyone, it seemed, and maybe, Dazai really did have a point with his talk about suicide.
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When you stepped into the bedroom, Dazai was sitting on the edge of the bed, the setting sun casting a shadow of his own reflection. He was twirling a pistol around his pointed finger, staring at the wall with blank eyes.
You shut the door quietly, your hands shaking against the golden knob.
Though you hadn’t made a sound when you walked through the door, Dazai’s gaze was on you immediately, sensing your entrance.
You’d never been able to slip past him.
“You’re back early.” Those were the first words that came to your mind, your voice breaking the uncomfortable silence. He was regarding you with disdain, his jaw set coolly. His hair turned bronze in the evening rays, loose strands scraping against the bandages.
“I am.” His jaw clenched, examining you with a singular, dark eye. You felt exposed under his gaze, laid bare for him to see no matter how much you shrouded yourself with. “You sound like you’re unhappy to see me.”
Dazai ran his finger along the trigger like he’d never held such a weapon before, the gun becoming an object of morbid fascination. 
You exhaled. There was so much space between you, a distance you weren’t sure you’d ever cross again. Though you thought you knew Dazai better than anyone, in that moment, he was unreadable—a chapter of pages that had been torn out.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” you said, standing tall. Despite your nerves, you were fixated on Dazai, always drawn to him like a moth to a flame, desperate to uncover the very thing that could kill you. “I miss you every time we’re apart. You’re no stranger to my feelings.”
You could offer him that, at the very least. An undeniable truth before everything between you shattered.
Dazai stood, his dark coat billowing out behind him as he finally came to face you, suddenly seeming much taller than you remembered. And with one look, you knew that he knew. He’d always been too smart for his own good.
“I’m not certain of that any longer,” he laughed, though it was a bitter sound that clawed its way up his throat. “Why don’t you tell me the truth, instead.” Dazai stood before you with a smile that was so sweet it was almost sinister. “Aren’t you going to tell me what you did?”
You weren’t sure which one of you would blink first, caught in some deadly staring contest. Most people would’ve surrendered to him by now.
 “Why?” you jutted your chin out, refusing to give in to him in any way. If you were going to die, and you were, you would make sure Dazai knew everything you’d never told him. “You already know.”
“No.” He poked the gun into your cheek, right beneath the sharp bone. He’d clicked the safety off moments before. “I want to hear you say it. You betrayed me.”
When you refused to say a word, Dazai hissed and cocked the gun. He pressed it to your temple, the metal cold against your delicate skin.
“Say it.”
You sniffed. He wasn’t giving in, and instead, stood there silently, unmoving until you finally caved. There was something about the color of his eyes. No matter how much they hardened, you still remembered the young man he used to be. The one who wasn’t quite so cold, who picked you flowers, even with blood dripping down his arm.
“Fine.” You narrowed your eyes. “I fucked Chuuya.”
Dazai blinked. Then, he started laughing. Crazily, maniacally. You saw too much of your old boss in him that it made you sick.
“Shameless.” Dazai took a step back and dropped the gun to his side.
“What?” you sneered, pressing yourself up against him, refusing to be intimidated by the man that had been yours for years. “Should I be ashamed?”
Dazai’s eyes flashed, his jaw clenching. “Yes,” he said, fists curling at his sides. “After everything I’ve done for you.” Dazai grew quieter, flicking a strand of hair out of your face. “Do you feel no remorse?”
“You can’t be serious. What have you done for me, Dazai?” You grew still, grabbing his wrist before he could touch you again. “You’re not upset I was with another man; you’re just upset that it was Chuuya.”
You poked him in the chest, a hot stream of air exhaling through your nose.
“I gave you everything, didn’t I?” The two of you spoke at each other, avoiding the answers, never acknowledging what the other had to say. Around and around you went, an endless circle until one of you finally conceded. “I’ve given you the world, and you still wanted more.” Dazai finally broke free of your loose grasp, stroking your cheek. “What can Chuuya give you that I can’t? I ask for nothing but honesty.”
There was no jealousy in the tone, no sorrow; it was the most genuine question he’d asked you in months. The inquiry of a man who’d lost sight of himself in the past few years, and who’d somehow, over time, forgotten what it meant to care for another.
“You gave me nothing,” you said, but somewhere along the way, your cheeks had grown wet. You’d been struck by the sudden affection in his voice, the softness harsher than a slap to the face.
He was a horrible man, the worst kind of man. Yet, you couldn’t imagine a life without him, a world where you existed alone.
The truth rested at the edge of your tongue. It wouldn’t solve much, your affection for him never had solved much, but at least he would understand.
“This was never about wanting more. I never wanted Chuuya. You’re a fool if you think that.”
Dazai was silent. You pressed on.
“I wanted you. I’ve only ever wanted you. I’ve devoted my entire life to you. I do everything you ask.” You were breathing heavily, big gulping breaths that contained minimal oxygen. “I asked for nothing in return. Nothing but for you to care about me, and you never did.”
“Is that the case?” Dazai laughed humorlessly.
You ignored him, your confession leaving on one heavy breath, a string of words incomprehensible to your ears. “But Chuuya loves me. He always has, and he made certain I knew that.” You paused, averting your eyes. The entire city could be seen from the window over his shoulder. “He told me all of that, and you know what I thought the whole time?”
Dazai scowled.
“I wished that he was you instead. I wanted it to be you so badly, I wanted it to be you saying those things to me, kissing me like I was the most important thing in the world.” You took his wrist again, pressing the gun back to your temple. The cool metal was almost soothing against your skin. “Please, Dazai. Give me this one last thing. I’m begging you to kill me. I can’t take this any longer.”
His finger rested on the trigger.
“I want it to be you. I’ve never wanted to die at anyone’s hands but your own.” His hand felt just as it always had in your palm, his fingers much longer, but his skin so soft. It was almost comforting, how familiar he was, and you longed to be a part of him, to bury yourself deep within him and wear his skin as your own.
Dazai’s expression twitched, and you smiled at him, the taste of salty tears spilling into your mouth.
As you closed your eyes, you prepared for the noise, hoping your blood splattered on Dazai’s coat and stained it, the proof of your existence inerasable. You hoped that Dazai would grow to regret it, would realize that your love for him was close to unconditional.
But the violence never came. The cool metal fell away from your skin, and when you opened your eyes again, Dazai’s shoulders had slumped, the very image of defeat.
“Do you honestly think I can bring myself to kill you?”
“What’s the matter?” you asked, blinking your eyes open. You reached for the gun again, but he drew back, as if stung. “Afraid to lose your best assassin?”
“No.” Dazai’s eyes were hard, his frown set deep into his face. “I’m afraid to lose the woman I love. The most important person in the world to me.”
You stared. Blinked. Then, the worst kind of emotion washed over you.
You swallowed over and over, trying to get the bile out of your throat. You’d wanted to be done, wanted to escape. And yet—
“Don’t say that.” you shook your head, backing away as Dazai inched closer, too close and you felt yourself getting sucked back in, remembering that you’d loved him for years, and you’d never love anyone else. “Fuck you, Dazai. Stop toying with me, and just kill me."
“I love you. I thought you knew that my darling angel.”
You were crying harder, shaking your head. “I don’t believe you. You don’t care about me.”
“No?” Dazai had grabbed your wrist again, but it was so soft. “I thought you were smarter than that. Did you think you were partnered with Akutagawa at random, and not for the sole reason that I knew he’d do everything in his power to protect you? Did you think I moved your seat next to me at meetings because you were nothing more than my stupid whore? Bought you everything you ever wanted because I couldn’t stand you?”
“Yes,” you said, sniffing, feeling yourself melt where he touched you, itching to reach up and pull the bandages off his face, see the beautiful features beneath them that he hid from the world. “You don’t care about me."
“I do care,” he said, fingers grazing your chin. “I’ve killed for you. I took over the Port Mafia so I could give you everything you wanted. Why wasn’t that enough?”
“Because I never wanted that. I never wanted any of this. I wanted you, Dazai Osamu. That was all.”
Dazai frowned, and then he bowed his head, kissed your neck, then around your earlobe, and it was the softest you’d ever felt in your entire life, a gentleness you hadn’t known he was capable of. When his hands snaked around your stomach, pulling you back against him, you were lost in his adoration.
“You never said anything,” he said, kissing your shoulder, breaking the tension in the muscles. You were his, in every lifetime, you’d be his. “I thought you were… happy?”
“How could you think that? I’m not happy, Dazai. I’ve never been less happy.”
“Not even when I tell you that I love you?” he kissed your knuckles.
“Do you love me enough to be a better man? Do you love me enough to let me sleep in your bed and see your whole heart instead of the fragmented pieces that you sliced up just to hide?”
“Yes.” The word was resounding, resolute. “I love you enough to forgive you.”
You held him at a distance, lips falling apart easily. “But I don’t want to forgive you.”
“You will.” Dazai smiled, that irritatingly knowing smile of his that you’d fallen for in the first place. “You will because I mean it this time.”
“You never apologized,” you looked away, trying to find the strength to move. You were enraptured, in every fiber of his being. “You never will. You never do.”
“I never knew anything was wrong,” he frowned, and it wasn’t the truth, but it wasn’t a lie, and you had him so close that you just wanted to forget anything had ever changed. “How was I to fix it if you never told me?”
His words were full of poison, but his voice was so soft you couldn’t help but fall back into him. Perhaps, you should’ve said something. Maybe your actions had never been enough.
“How long have I been at your side, spent hours listening to your every word, even when they didn’t make sense to me? You should’ve known, Dazai. I shouldn’t have to tell you something like that.” Your words were losing their bite, and his lips quirked up, knowing that you were slowly coming back to him, clearing you of the sins you had committed.
He was hesitant, thoughtful, before pressing a kiss to your forehead. And perhaps, that was the final straw in your resistance, his gentle kiss enough to set your soul on fire.
“I’m sorry, my love,” Dazai said, his lips ghosting over yours, handing over the apology like a gift. “Won’t you give me a chance to fix it now?” It felt like a bad idea. Dazai wasn’t deserving of any more chances; you’d already given him years of second chances, had always given him the benefit of the doubt.
“You expect me to believe you’ll let us off scot-free?” you said, your face deadly close to Dazai’s. “What about Chuuya? Will you kill him in my place.”
“You’ve got me in your hand, love. If you want me to punish Chuuya, just say the word. I’ll kill him if that’s what you want.”
It wasn’t. That was the farthest thing from what you wanted, but you worried that if you sounded too enthusiastic, he might just follow through with it.
Instead, you pulled him to you, grabbing the dark tie that he wore around his neck. He grinned into your lips, his saccharine smile seeming much too deadly to be all that sweet. “Do you honestly think I believe a word that you’re saying?”
“You want to,” Dazai said, curling his hand around your jaw, his fingers brushing your ear. “That’s what matters the most.” He kissed your lips, and you could taste the difference, all the love he poured into it this time. It wasn’t like kissing a statue. “It’s all true, anyway.”
You broke away, breathing. “I won’t do this anymore, Dazai.” You finally had his hand in your own, placing the gun back to your temple. “You’re not the man you once were, and you’ll never be him again.” The smile that graced your lips was sad, though it was knowing. Things were always going to end this way.
Dazai’s face wrinkled as he tried to decipher all the words you’d never spoken. “I’m not the same man, that’s true, but my affection for you has never died.” He cupped his other hand around your cheek, hesitantly keeping the gun to your temple, squinting with his head bent.
“You’re the leader of the Port Mafia, and such a ruthless man wouldn’t let a betrayal go unscathed.”
There was a wave of silence while the two of you stared at one another, sifting through the situation with hardness in your jaws, the tension palpable within the air. Dazai straightened, clarity in his irises as a smooth smile burned onto his lips.
“Is that what you want?” he said innocently. “You want to be punished for your insurrections?”
Your mouth grew dry, but you held your ground firmly, swallowing back all the uncertainty. Perhaps you didn’t want to die. Perhaps you did. You just hated the gaping hole inside of you that never seemed to leave. “I want you to kill me.”
“Kill you?” Dazai laughed, then the hilt of the gun was against your temple once more. He held your chin steady between his forefinger and thumb, regarding you with thinly veiled disgust. “You’ve never wanted that before. Not when I asked you to die alongside me, to follow me far into the afterlife.” He sighed, releasing your chin before cocking the gun. “This isn’t about death at all.”
“What—”
“You want me to claim you, is that it?” He clicked his tongue before leaning forward, sneering. “Perhaps it’s that other way around. You want everyone in the Mafia to know I belong to you, hm?’
You blinked, though you began to feel weak in the knees, the eyes that you knew so well suddenly intimidating. “I never said—” but even then, your voice wavered, unsteady and uncertain of the immediate heat that had swirled under your skin.
Dazai’s mouth curled, a gruesome smile there. “I know you better than anyone. I’ve always known exactly what you want. Even though I shouldn’t forgive you, I can’t help myself.”
You swallowed, and Dazai had taken a step forward, pushing you with him, the gun still swaying at your temple, even when the backs of your thighs hit the bed. You fell onto the mattress, and he was on top of you, his finger caressing the trigger as he collapsed.
Dazai had never scared you, not even when he was a child you’d barely known, the teenager shaped in Mori’s image. Though, now, the unreadable expression on his face was alarming you, and you wondered if all this time, you should’ve been fearful.
Still, even with your underlying hesitance, you felt a wave of desire crash over you at the sheer need in his eyes. It wasn’t something you were unfamiliar with, but there was something else there. Maybe it was the love you’d just never noticed.
“Osamu,” you said in a quiet voice, not afraid, but not confident either. Your finger brushed the point on his wrist—it was the same heartbeat you’d always recognized.
“What?” he said, taunting you menacingly as he towered above you. “You were so bold just a second ago? What happened, darling?”
Unable to do anything but blink back at him, Dazai brought his thumb to your lips, brushing it across the plump skin before dipping it into your mouth.
Unprepared, you nearly choked, eyes blown wide as you stared back at him. Though, there was a command within his eyes, and you obliged, sucking as you watched the saliva drip down to his palm. Dazai pulled it away from your mouth with an obscene pop, giving you a sweet smile from his position above you.
Despite your humiliation, you shifted your hips on the bed, bringing your thighs together to provide you with a fraction of relief. Dazai’s eyes flashed at the movement, his smirk widening with an amusement.
“You’re nothing more than a dumb slut, aren’t you?” Dazai’s hand ghosted of your stomach, settling on the inside of your thigh momentarily. You ached with need, swallowing your pride and any demands that you could make of him. “Had Chuuya all to yourself this weekend, and still expect me to fuck you senseless.”
Your brow furrowed, and you opened your mouth before shutting it, lips still covered in your own spit. “Osamu,” you began, attempting to diffuse the situation, to explain that what had transpired between you and Chuuya meant nothing, but he never gave you the opportunity. “It wasn’t—”
Dazai’s gaze hardened, the adoration disappearing the moment you dared to speak. His fingers deftly wrapped around your throat, thrusting you into the mattress with enough force to quiet you entirely. “Shut up. If I want to hear you speak, I’ll ask. Understand?”
You could do nothing but nod, hating yourself for the ache that had grown more and more intense in your core, desperate for some sort of contact. Dazai, distracted with his own task of tearing your top off, had failed to notice the breathing that had grown heavier, the flush of heat that spread on every inch of your body.
His slender fingers finally removed the confining pants, a task he did skillfully with one hand still wrapped around your throat. Then, his fingers were against your aching cunt, and you twitched, letting out a heavy sound from the singular movement. You could feel yourself pulsing against nothing, desperate for his fingers between your legs.
“Pathetic,” he said, his fingers lazily dipping through your folds over your underwear. “I’ve barely touched you. How can you be this fucking wet?”
“Please,” you said quietly, your own hand aching to take over, if only to provide yourself that relief that he refused to give you. Every time you shifted into his hand, he brought it away, taunting you with the release you so craved.
“Please?” Dazai was mocking, cruel, every bit of the person people expected him to be. The one he never had been with you, not until recently. “You’re nothing more than a greedy little whore. Must have been why you fucked Chuuya without a second thought, huh?”
You were silent, staring him down with a clenched jaw. Your brain was twisting, betraying you, turning into empty cells within your skull, and you weren’t sure how to handle the accumulation of emotions that you felt for the man before you, the one who’s love had always been purposeful and merciless.
“Well?” he said, tightening a hand to close off the air to your lungs, trapping you with his strength. “Answer me.”
“No,” you gasped, and when your words sounded choked, when you clawed at his wrist, he loosened his grip just a hair, the only indication that the man you loved was in there at all. Still, your hips acted of their own accord, shifting further into his hand. “I’m sorry, Osamu, I am.” You felt tears prick at the corner of your eyes as he finally slipped his fingers under your panties, rubbing your aching clit. “I wanted you; I needed you and you were never there, but Chuuya was, and—”
You were a stammering mess of desperation and regret, feeling unglued under Dazai’s hands, like the words you’d been meaning to say could finally come out. He was the only one who’d ever listened to you completely, who you’d felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable with. Yet, it had been so long since you’d let yourself be open with him, and now that the opportunity arose, you were too weak to deny it.
“I was always here,” Dazai said harshly, and you were almost certain that his anger was genuine, the tone breaking in his voice a result of true sadness. “You never came to me, and I thought that’s how you wanted it to be.” His fingers sunk into you, and you threw your head back into the pillow, moaning sinfully with the lewd sound of him sinking in and out of you, the wetness collecting with every movement.
“You never showed me you cared,” you cried out, certain that there were tears streaming down your cheeks, and you should’ve been humiliated. It was humiliating—the way you were clothed in nothing, crying as Dazai laughed at you, taking full control over your body. How he could’ve done anything to you in that moment, and you would’ve let him, because that was just how much you wanted him.
“And Chuuya was the solution?” He grabbed your cheeks with the hand that had once been around your throat, pinching them to make you look at him. “You going to pass yourself around the rest of the Mafia, sweetheart? Who’ll get a taste of you next? I’m not so certain even Akutagawa would pass up the opportunity.”
His words were senseless, meant to hurt you, and you still couldn’t stand the anguish that was in his eyes.
“No,” you said, and you leaned up, wanting so badly for his lips to be on yours, to feel some semblance of the connection that you’d always had with him. “I wouldn’t, Dazai, I’m yours.” You choked on the sounds of your own moans, your thighs shaking with every change in pressure. “I’m yours. Please, I need you.”
You were certain there were marks on your neck from his fingertips, and Dazai ghosted his mouth along the delicate skin there, biting at the soreness from before. You jerked, digging your nails into his back as you drew closer and closer to your climax.
“Don’t make demands.” Dazai leaned back, and you missed the closeness, the sharp scent of him lingering in your space. “Chuuya hasn’t been a part of this conversation yet. Should we get him up here? I hadn’t considered what to do with him, but this might suffice.”
Dazed and drunk on the feeling of his hands all over you, it took you a moment to process what he was saying. His hand was already swiping through his phone, picking the number of the man that you least wanted to see.
“No, Osamu, don’t—” you cried out, and yet, you made no move to stop him. Instead, you remained pliant on the bed as he sunk another finger into you, his thumb moving in agonizing circles against your clit.  He tucked the cellphone under his chin, smiling at you maliciously, controlling you with every blink of his lashes.
You had always had trouble resisting him. Now was no different.
Chuuya answered as you released another moan, and Dazai was grinning wickedly, as if some larger scheme had finally come together, the culmination of everything he was plotting. “Boss?”
“Chuuya,” Dazai said, and you flinched, locking gazes with his deep brown irises, the color so alluring and beautiful, a shade that had darkened with each misfortune you’d endured together. You hated him, you did, but there was a fine line between the two, and your love for him would die with you, would transcend whatever simple rules the afterlife placed on Earth. “How quickly can you make it up here?”
You could hear the hesitation on the other side; Chuuya didn’t say anything for a moment.
“A couple minutes, I think. I haven’t left the building.”
“I’ll give you a couple minutes then.” Dazai’s words were clipped as he hung up the phone, throwing it to the arm chair a few feet away from the bed.
His attention was back on you completely as you let out a shaky breath, trying to regain some semblance of composure before Chuuya came into the room. Though it was so hard when the pools in his irises were pulling you deeper, locking you into a heaven that you’d never been able to reach.
Dazai pulled away briefly, his soaking fingers leaving your body to alleviate his cock from the confines of his dark pants, hovering before you.
You swallowed, not able to remember the last time your desire for him ached this badly. Your eyes trained on the very part of him that you wanted inside of you, the tip flushed so beautifully. There was nothing on your mind but him, how you wanted every part of him, even if it meant enduring misery after misery, and Chuuya was right—if you were to love Dazai, you needed to love every part of him, even when it seemed impossible.
A whine escaped you and you were reaching out to him, knowing he’d never let you live down your humiliation, but the future was not a part of your logical thinking, not now. “Want you inside me.”
“Surely you can hold off for a few minutes,” Dazai said, though the way his toned chest pressed to your own, and how he kissed your face with a tenderness you’d forgotten made it nearly impossible for you to refrain. “So desperate for my cock.”
You wanted to touch yourself—you would’ve, had you not been so nervous of the fact that Chuuya could come in at any minute.
“Tell him to leave,” you said, dragging your fingers through his hair, finally kissing him like you’d been wanting to, and the sound was sinful, heavy with lust as you forced a taste into his mouth, wishing every part of him was a part of you too. “I don’t want him or anyone else, just you, I promise—” 
Dazai cut you off and ignored your pleas; he smiled against your lips, though it was anything but kind. “I think he’ll enjoy seeing you like this, won’t he? You’ve got such a filthy mouth on you when you’re fucked properly.” He kissed his way down your chest, resting his face just above your breasts. “I bet Chuuya didn’t see this side of you, did he?” Dazai licked a circle around your nipple, tugging it between his teeth. “I’ve done nothing but call you names and you’re dripping all over the sheets.”
You shook your head, feeling pained by how badly you wanted release.
“Of course not.” Dazai sat back up like he could sense Chuuya approaching from the other side of the door, his presence bold and detectible. “He’s forgotten what’s mine, after all.” He smiled at you once more, kissing you with a kind of love that only he could portray, the kind that was nowhere close to innocent. “Don’t cum until I tell you to. Be good for me, okay?”
Dazai had always known what to say to you, even when your relationship was falling apart, even when you hated him more than you loved him. His words could be so tender, the praise melted in with the unkind quips of his tongue. It was the gentlest tone he’d used since your clothes had come off, and you couldn’t help but melt under him, nodding like you’d give him anything he asked of you.
Of course you would.
Dazai traced your features delicately, grinning maniacally, ears attuned to the quiet that broke from the footsteps approaching. His cock was lined up against your dripping hole, and it took every ounce of restraint not to plant yourself on it, trying so hard to please him, the sinful man who held too much power over you.
“You’re so pretty like this, aren’t you? My beautiful little whore, always willing to take whatever I give you.”
“’Samu,” you babbled, blinking away the tears as you latched onto him, wishing you could spare yourself the humiliation, but too drunk on him to care. He shifted you forward, taking your thighs in his hands and placing them around his waist. “I can’t take it all at once—”
“You’ve done it before. Do it again.” He growled, squeezing your throat once more in one smooth motion, thrusting into you. And though you had doubted how prepared you were, he slid into you easily, already so loose and pliant from his fingers. “See? Never forgot the shape of me, sweetheart. Even after you’ve been with another man.”
You let out a choked moan as Chuuya walked into the room, lost in the ache and the burn and the pleasure that came with loving and fucking Dazai.
There was one singular pass of silence before Chuuya spoke, letting the door shut with a quiet click on the hinge. “Boss—” Chuuya was hesitant, though his eyes were immediately drawn to you, raking over your blissed-out form. “You said to—” His hand was still on the knob, though he was distracted, and tears pricked at the corners of your eyes, ashamed but so full of want that it ached.
“Come in, Chuuya,” Dazai said sharply, his words solid and commanding, and you couldn’t help it when you clenched around him, drawing him further into you with nails scraping down his back. “We should discuss something.”
“Well, can we talk about it when you’re not in the middle of fucking your girl?” Chuuya asked, swallowing down the desire he hid so poorly. His cheeks had flushed, words just on the edge of stumbling and slurring together. “Another time, maybe.”
“This is the perfect time, actually,” Dazai stopped moving, already breathing heavily above you as you stared, whined, needing so badly for him to stop teasing you. “Besides,” his eyes drifted knowingly to Chuuya’s obvious erection as he laughed darkly. “I don’t think you mind so much.”
Dazai pulled back painfully slowly before sinking into you with a quicker thrust, your back arching off the mattress to catch even more of him inside of you. A barely noticeable sweat had broken against his hairline, and you stared at him, mouth slightly agape in awe at the boss of the Port Mafia, the one you somehow had wrapped around your little finger.
Your breathing had grown unsteady as his cock got deeper and deeper inside of you, hitting where you’d never been quite able to get with your fingers, the thickness of him catching on every sensitive part inside of you. His hand was back between your legs, rubbing circles on your clit, and you weren’t sure you could last much longer, not as he carried on a conversation with Chuuya, who watched you with darkened eyes, barely holding himself back.
“Please, Osamu,” you were practically begging now, your cheeks glistening with wetness as you clawed at the muscles between his shoulder blades, surely leaving bruises all down his spine. “Please, please, let me cum.”
Dazai made a tsk noise in the back of his throat. “Not yet. I don’t think you deserve it quite yet, does she, Chuuya?”
Chuuya sniffed, shifting uncomfortably as his pants grew tighter. “Gonna punish her all day, boss? Such a pretty thing should get what she wants, shouldn’t she?”
Dazai dropped his chest closer to you, going deeper into you, and you cried out his name, though your eyes were still locked with Chuuya, as if he were going to be your savior. You remembered how gently he’d touched you, how careful he was, and you wondered why you’d ever wanted that at all.
“Chuuya thinks he can fuck you better than me, darling, but you know that’s not true, don’t you? He’d spoil you too much, but this is what you want, right? You want to be called a stupid fucking cockslut.” Dazai grinned against your lips, whispering in a breath that only you could hear. “Just so that at the end of it all, you’ll be my good girl.”
You whimpered, soaking him as you clenched harder. Your brain had gone numb from the feeling of him. Dazai was smiling viciously, but you could see the underlying tenderness.
“She looks so pretty right now, doesn’t she Chuuya? Not a single thought in that beautiful little head of hers.” He smiled at him knowingly, dark hair flopping into his eyes as the rest of the loose tendrils stuck to his forehead. “You’re lucky. You’ve gotten two chances to see her now. Twice as many as most men who fantasize about fucking a woman that sleeps in another man’s bed.”
Chuuya’s voice was raw, his words cracked. “You’re sick, Dazai,” he said, clenching his hands into fists. “Putting on a show like this just to punish me.”
“You and I both know you’re enjoying this.” Dazai traced your cheeks sweetly, kissing your lips deeply. You let out a strangled breath into his mouth, something on the precipice of a moan. “Can you do one thing for me, pretty girl? One more, then I’ll let you cum, how’s that?”
You nodded, desperately, as Dazai’s fingers finally dipped back down, rubbing agonizingly light circles.
“Tell Chuuya who’s making you feel this way,” Dazai said, pushing your face away from him to stare straight into Chuuya’s dark eyes. “Tell him who you love the most.”
“You,” you gasped out, clenching tighter around him. What an easy request to make—you’d never loved anyone else. “I’m in love with you.”
Dazai sniffed, though he was patient, slowing his thrusts almost to a stop. “Not good enough. I need you to be more specific.”
You cried out, locking your ankles onto his hips, trying to force him back into you. But Dazai didn’t budge, watching you until you provided the answer that he so desired. “I love you, Dazai.”
He frowned, shaking his head once more. “My name. Say it. It sounds so sweet from your lips.”
“Osamu,” you choked out. “I love you, Osamu. I love you. I love you.”
Dazai finally smiled above you, gently tracing your cheeks with his thumb as he slowed down the pace of his hips. “I love you too, darling.” His words were soft, whispered into your lips before he turned away, meeting eyes with Chuuya across the room. “See?”
Chuuya was glowering, stiff as a board, his face pink, and his legs shaky. “I got it, Boss.” He choked out, though his eyes were on you, unable to leave your body, even as he tried so hard to be polite. His aching cock strained against his pants, and he breathed sharply, swallowing over and over. “Do I need to be here any longer?”
Dazai laughed, and you thought he looked so pretty when he did that, his smile flashing wide and alluring, the corners of his eyes crinkling marginally. “Never said you had to stay. I figured you’d want to watch her come undone one last time.”
Chuuya, for as noble as he wanted himself to be, made no move to leave, glued to the spot on the floor beyond your bed. He was just across the room, but you couldn’t focus on anyone but Dazai, Dazai, Dazai, Dazai, the man who you’d killed and bled and committed horrible acts for.
You said his name again, scrambling to bring his attention back to you, hands on his face with a desperation you didn’t realize you’d possessed.
And Dazai, with the kindness of a man he wasn’t, placed his hands just above your stomach, leaving kisses across your chin as he thrust into you, sweetly, menacingly, one last time. “You did so good, my love. You can cum now. Make a mess all over my cock, beautiful.”
You jerked, squeezing around him as you felt the pressure in you finally release, the colors shifting and changing between your high as Dazai brought you in and out of an orgasm, his words reaching your muddled brain with soothing noises. Your body twitched as your muscles spasmed, sweat gathering in the space under your knees. There was little in your mind, save for the dark-haired man that had quickly become your whole world.
You smiled lazily, lacing your fingers with Dazai as you slowly began to come back to yourself. The world around you was empty. Chuuya had all but disappeared into a block of nothingness as you stared into the world itself. If there was no Dazai, there was no you, and it was as simple as that. He was everything you’d ever wanted—you’d be a fool to ever left him go.
As you regained your breathing, still sensitive all over, Dazai came inside you, spilling hot release into you, and you couldn’t bring yourself to care, too busy being satisfied with the feeling of him all over you.  His hands never left you—he was delicate, caring, pressing loving touches into your skin as you recovered from your high.
“I’m yours, Osamu,” you said, closing your eyes as you basked against the bed, wanting nothing more than to curl up against him, bury yourself in the warmth of another body. 
He smiled against your cheeks, lips flushed and bruised. “I know you are,” he said to you only, before pulling away. You shivered, but opened your eyes, and he’d already held the gun out to you, presenting it as an offering. “That’s why you’ll be the one to kill him.”
It took you all of ten seconds to remember who him was, and that the man who had borne witness to your most intimate moments with Dazai had not disappeared and was still gawking at you from the corner of the room.
“What?” you asked stupidly, your jaw falling open.
“You heard me.” Dazai pressed the pistol into your palm, curling your fingers around the handle. It was like ice against your hot body, and though it’d been years since your first time firing such a weapon, you suddenly felt like you were there again, uncertain, and afraid of the dangerous firearm. “Kill him.”
You stared at Chuuya, the honest man who, even despite his rough exterior, had been there for you since you were kids. You remembered how the three of you had been so close, for such a long time, until Dazai had gone and killed Mori and fucked it all up.
It felt wrong. The entire situation was wrong, and it never should’ve come to this.
“It’s Chuuya,” you said with tired eyes, something in your voice pleading and desperate.  
Dazai shrugged, holding you close against him as you struggled to sit up in the bed. Your muscles ached and you were still so sensitive, but reality was coming back to you. This was all a mess, and you wanted so badly to feel shame at everything you had done, but you were trying so hard just to–
“You’d think I’d let him live after what he did?”
“Osamu.” You weren’t sure you could bear it. You’d always sworn to kill whatever adversary Dazai and the Port Mafia faced, but Chuuya would always be an exception. You wanted him in your life as much as you wanted Dazai, someone you could trust without fail, who would listen to you complain even when it hurt him. “I won’t do it. He’s my friend. I thought he was yours too.”
Dark eyes full of disdain met your own, and he pinched your jaw once more, a mixture of devastating anger. “I can’t allow a traitor to live. I’ll kill him if you won’t. Then, I’ll kill you. Then myself.”
You shoved him away, suddenly wishing you weren’t so exposed, on display in the middle of the room. “Then fucking do it already, Dazai. What are you waiting for?” A tear broke free from your eye, and you wiped it furiously, not giving him a chance to mock you.
“Stop.” Chuuya finally spoke, his voice drawing your attention like a commandment, and you fell silent, refocusing on him as he bowed before you, dropping to his knees. Eyes locked onto your own without a single fear, cruel acceptance surrounding dark pupils. “It’s alright. I deserve to die. I’ve broken your trust, boss. I might as well be a traitor to the Mafia.” He swallowed, though he was unwavering. “I don’t want to live with this feeling any longer.”
“Don’t say that.” you spat, hating that such a strong man was giving himself over, exposing every weary weakness that he’d come to carry. “You don’t mean it.”
“I do.” He sighed, straightening his spine as he leaned forward towards your hand, much as you had done before, and you realized that this was such a sick, twisted change of fate. That the affection you’d always doubted was real after all, but Chuuya was still left playing the fool.
Perhaps, you were of the same vein, wanting desperately to die in the heavenly hand of the one you loved most. You could understand him for that. You could grant him one final wish.
“Do you regret any of it?” Dazai asked, as the wheels in your head spun, the decision dawning upon you, handed over from the ancient tragedies, rival even to the gloomy romances of Shakespeare.
Chuuya shifted towards the other man, looking into his cold, distant eyes. “No,” he said honestly, his jaw set. “I don’t regret it because now I know she’ll never love me. She’s all yours Dazai. Always has been. Always will be. Does that satisfy you?”
There wasn’t an ounce of fury in his expression when Dazai smiled back.
“You heard him,” Dazai said, lifting your limp arm by the elbow, pointing it like a skilled tutor. The gun was on Chuuya’s forehead, between his eyebrows, and your finger was on the trigger. Dazai’s whisper was like the Devil on your shoulder, and you were falling fast, your last shred of morality burnt from papery resolve. His hand supported your weakened muscles, guiding you along like you’d never before committed such an act. “You’re an assassin, aren’t you?”
You stiffened, narrowing your eyes before cocking the gun, mustering up the last bit of strength you had left. Chuuya couldn’t have looked more prepared for death, and you basked in Dazai’s prideful smile as he branded it into the crook of your neck.
“You’re certain?” you said to Chuuya, once more, hand no longer shaking despite your guilt.
The man, nothing more than a victim, nodded, and he had the audacity to smile, to look peaceful about his release from this life.
“I’m sorry, Chuuya. You shouldn’t have to bear the weight of my sin.” “It’s mine to carry, just as it is yours,” he scoffed, eyes hard with resolve. “Of all the things that would land me in Hell, I hardly believe this is the worst.”
You nodded, regrettably, and took a steely breath, erasing the heat the stung behind your eyes.
Then, you pulled the trigger. You waited for Chuuya’s brains to stain your floors, for the remnants of his skull to shatter all across the wall behind him. For the life to slowly drain from his stunningly bright eyes, leaving you with nothing but a corpse that would rot away wherever Dazai chose to toss his body.
Though, none of those things happened, and you stared at each other with fierce incredulity, knowing that you’d unwillingly become puppets in Dazai’s dramatic play, a show put on for no one’s entertainment but his own.
You’d been completely senseless, an idiot, really. The gun had felt lighter than usual, and you’d ignored it, even when you should’ve known it housed no bullets.
“Dazai?” you said in a low voice, dangerously, twisting to look at him from over your shoulder. An anger you’d never felt before had bubbled up inside of you, your heart thundering with a fierceness you hadn’t realized was a part of you. “There’s no bullets.”
“Obviously,” he scoffed, taking the gun away like it was but a toy, throwing it onto the armchair in the corner. “I’d never kill the strongest ability-user in the Mafia. You both should know me better by now.”
You scowled, the ugly expression marring your face, and Dazai frowned, leaning forward to appease you. “Don’t look at me like that.”
“You played me for a fool. Was all of this an act?” you cried, wondering if maybe Dazai had been lying this entire time. Maybe all those sweet words he said had never been true, and you had fallen for them anyway, like the mindless pawn you were.
“Which part?” Dazai asked, but you could tell that he knew what answer you sought, what lies you wanted to unveil.
“You know which part,” you said, moving away from him, not sure what emotion to grant control. You felt an intense amount of fury, misery, and pity for yourself, who’d never asked Dazai for anything but to be on your side, and he still couldn’t give you that. “Fuck you, Dazai.”
Your lip quivered, but if you’d begun to cry, shame would swallow you up and drown you in the dark abyss of misery. You would have no other choice but to throw yourself out the window, where everyone in the Port Mafia could bear witness to all the ways that Dazai had ruined you.
“Boss—”
Chuuya’s sentence was cut off sharply.
You’d tried to climb out of the bed, but Dazai had grabbed your wrist, stopping you before you could escape from him once and for all. Though he spoke to Chuuya, his eyes were hard on you, never leaving the set he stared into as you swallowed over and over, trying to think of anything but the sick feeling in your chest.
“You can leave now, Chuuya. Consider this your lucky day.” His voice was icy, threatening, and though Chuuya lingered a moment before climbing to his feet, he spared you nothing but a small glance in return.
You inhaled, then exhaled, trying to stop the simmering of blood within your veins, feeling the heavy weight of his hand on your wrist. As you sat there in silence, waiting for him to be the one to break it, you started to wonder how much of this was really Dazai’s fault, and how much you were the one to blame.
“It was a test.” Dazai tried to bring your attention back to him, letting only a fragment of emotion drain into his voice, though it was enough to slowly, slowly pique your fascination once more. “That was all.”
You wet your lips, though your tongue was just as papery. “So none of it was real.”
“What do you mean?” Dazai came to sit in front of you, his skin pale in the dark lighting, and you could see the cracks in his facade, and maybe this splinter in your failing relationship would slowly begin to heal itself. “Everything I said was very much real.”
His soft fingertips traveled up your arm, curling around your shoulder, across your collarbone, before settling in that delicate space between your jaw and your ear. There was a starry look in his eyes, the twin pair that had been exposed.
“Why would you do something like that to me?” you said, scrunching your face in remorse, wanting to slither away from him, even as he drew you closer, close enough to smell the expensive cologne he wore, the liquor that he favored when you were away. His hair had been freshly washed, and the smell of shampoo still lingered, even under the thin layer of sweat.
“Why would you do something like that to me?” Dazai countered, the hurt not veiled in the slightest this time, and it didn’t take a genius to know what he was talking about. Heat flooded to your cheeks, and you were looking away, wondering why he was pulling you close to his chest when he should be hating you with the passion of a thousand fiends. “How could I trust you after that?”
You parted your lips to speak, but your jaw was locked, and the inside of your mouth tasted like cotton.
“I’m not a good man,” Dazai said, kissing the shell of your ear, your temple, and you squeezed your eyes shut, clinging to his bicep. “You’ve always known this. Yet, for as often as you talk about me with disgust dripping from your words, I’ve never sought to bring you pain.” He breathed in deeply, and you buried your face into his chest, wondering how much longer it’d be before you wept. “You’ve caused me pain.”
You tried to cry out, to tell him that you never thought it would hurt him, but he’d seen the very same in you, hadn’t he? You’d never given him any indication that the coldness in his words was bothering you, that the blurred lines of your relationship were getting confusing and hurtful, and he had done the same.
“We’re not good for each other, Osamu,” you whispered quietly, your lip quivering. The weight of your voice shattered against your vocal cords.
He let out a breathy laugh, smiling against your forehead. “On the contrary, I think we’re the perfect fit.”
For what reason he believed that, you weren’t sure.
You clenched your jaw tight, but it didn’t stop the feeling of tears from overwhelming you, hot droplets that spilled heavy from your eyes, running off your chin to Dazai’s chest. Your hands shook, clenched around his arms so tightly you were sure you were breaking the skin.
Dazai pulled away, monitoring your face with concern. You hated the way he looked at you with such pity when he was the reason for such pain. Yet, you couldn’t help but curl into him, warm, never wanting to escape from his reverence. “Why are you crying, my sweet angel?”
Nausea soured your mouth, and the regret that tinged you, tainted you, was vastly overwhelming. It was horrible in a way that you’d never felt.
It struck you, then, that you’d been blind to Dazai’s every affection, too ignorant to notice the ways that they had shifted as his life did. He no longer held your hand over the table during meetings, but the chair beside his was just as grandiose, and he greeted you with something of a smile when you walked into each room. He no longer accompanied you on assignments, but you were always taken care of, in a hotel most people couldn’t afford with a partner that could singlehandedly take out a hundred men. He no longer picked you flowers from a wild field as he’d done as a boy, but the vase on the table always held a beautiful bouquet of deep, red roses, without a single wilting flower.  
Chuuya, all this time, all these years had been right. There was no use in loving Dazai if you couldn’t stand him in his darkest hour, the bitter ugly side of him that no one wanted to see.
You’d never thought about it, really, but you’d changed just as he had. Everyone in the Mafia had blood on their hands, was ruined in more ways than one, and you were no exception. If loving Dazai meant loving those parts of him, then loving you meant just the same.
The tears fell harder, and Dazai seemed panicked, stricken, always so oblivious when it came to the affairs of your heart, and sometimes he tried, but you couldn’t hate him if he didn’t.
“I’m sorry,” you said pitifully, knowing from the spoiled heart in your very chest had ruined everything. “I’m sorry.” You said it again and again until Dazai was shushing you, running a large, cool palm down your back, the only way he knew to soothe you.
“I wish I’d never done it. I wish I’d just spoken to you, asked you, anything—” you wiped your face, heavy breaths stuttering before Dazai took your hands away, and erased the tears for you. “I just thought you hated me. It was the only thing that made sense.”
Dazai smiled sadly, because no one had taught him to love. How was he to know that he’d been doing it wrong all this time. “I wish I’d seen it before. I didn’t mean to push you away.” He sighed, dropping his head to your shoulder with a weariness that he’d been born with. “I’m sorry.”
A tingling sensation began under your skin, and you were warm all over, realizing just how much that apology had meant to you. For some reason, it felt like coming home.
The strong grip that nostalgia had on you gradually began to melt away.
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Hi dear! How are you? How have you been?I'm sorry for bothering, but can I request Chuuya and Dazai fighting for y/n? And how would it be? You can ignore this if you want!
Thank you for reading this, have a lovely day!!<3
Ok ok ok I'm back! Hello! Sorry for not posting, shits been wierd. Anywho, I had to write this as chaotic mafia trio Dazai and Chuuya bc two petty teenagers who are also super powerful? The chaos is endless. Hope you enjoy this and come back soon :))
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The three of you weren't kids anymore. That much was completely obvious. But you weren't adults, either. You had entered the acne prone, awkward crushes, too-long limbs and growing pains era of your lives. That's right;
the unholy trinity of the port mafia had become true teenagers.
While never truly disciplined the way the rest of the mafia was, the three of you still took orders. That changed, to Mori's growing irritation, the older you got. At nineteen, the three of you were all but flipping him the finger any chance you felt you could get away with it. (Always.) But aside from making Mori wished he could shoot all of you in the foot, the boys had their own problems. And that problem had a name that meant death by the time it was 15; that problem had bright eyes and a wicked smile and smelled like the sweet cold of a winter morning.
Y/n L/n, final third of the mafia's prodigies, was a problem. And it just so happened that today was your birthday.
Like always, you were up with the sun; and no, you didn't get up. But the light from the sun was gentle through your windows, the sheets were perfect on your skin, and-
and there was a thud coming from outside your door.
Only two people in the world would dare make that much noise this early. And when you swung the door open, you were faced with the cheeky smile of one Osamu Dazai.
"Goooood morning y/n!!" He sang as he presented an arm of roses to you with a grandiose bow. "And happy birthday!" Stepping into your room, he leaned in while you shut the door behind you. "We're gonna get so fucked up today."
For all of his bravado, though, he could still feel his heart in his throat when you pulled his shirt front and muttered, "for both your sakes, I don't want to be able to walk straight for a week after today."
"Oh y/n," he laughed, "you'll be lucky if we're done celebrating a week after today. Now pack your bags; we wont be back."
//
An hour later, freshly showered and dressed, you sat with a coffee outside a small cafe when idiot number two appeared. Similarly to the first, he was trying to hide the blush on his cheeks when you smiled at him, oblivious to what you were doing to him. Gently, he pressed a small black box into your hands and kept his eyes on yours as they widened. The knives were stunning- long handled and perfectly crafted, the tips on the blades so fine their promised to draw blood at the smallest touch. But at the base of the hilt, two silver letters curved through the metal, studded with diamonds so small and delicate you nearly thought them one solid stone. Your initials in diamonds, on the most beautiful knives you'd ever seen.
Chuuya couldn't stop himself from raising his middle finger behind your back to the bench Dazai was spying from not too far way as you hugged him.
//
The well off drink champagne at birthday dinners.
The wealthy drank cognac and whiskey.
But three extravagant 20 year olds had found themselves in the vineyards of Italy, surrounded by pyramids of rainbow bubbles, wines, and amber liquids just begging to be tasted. All through the surrounding olive trees, small golden lights flashed to peculiar rhythms, all set around a round table set with the richest food you could imagine. Once again, Chuuya had Dazai beat- the wine fanatics dinner arrangements were nothing short of impeccable. But after hours eating, laughing, drinking, (and running from club to club until three in the morning) it was Dazai's turn again. Back on a plane you went, sleep overtaking you as you flew south. When you woke up again, the world had changed into a tropical paradise; one you would find out Dazai had taken the liberty of reserving for the three of you.
//
Two days on the island had treated you well; you sighed happily as you stretched out, the sun beaming down on your now-glowing skin. Down at the water, Dazai and Chuuya tried to pretend like each wasn't watching the other watch you.
"Private island? really?" Chuuya's voice was full of comtempt as he tried to shove Dazai under the crystal blue waves.
"You're one to talk, Mr. Monogrammed knives."
"At least I opened with something better than roses. What movie did you get that cliche from, asshole?"
"Oh just wait." Dazai's smirk meant whatever it was, Chuuya wouldn't like it. "Once the sun goes down, it's over for you, Nakahara."
//
Feet bare, you stepped onto the sleek boat, the water turning gold with the last shreds of sun. As your island became smaller and smaller, the water grew darker and darker around you. The stars came out, the moon appeared, and then, just as the boat had slowed, you dipped your feet into the waves.
And the water lit up.
When your feet touched the warm surface, it lit up in fluorescent blue. Gasping, you swept your hand through to the same effect- hearing your laugh, Dazai knew you'd seen, and held your shoulders while you leaned over the edge.
"Gorgeous, isn't it?" Your amazed laugh was all the response he needed. With renewed fervor, the boat moved through the waves, sending light across the rippling ocean. You stayed there for hours- floating in the calm sea of the coast of your island, swimming in the perfect waves, and falling asleep all over one another on the way back.
Both were respecting to go back to their own cabins after saying goodnight to you- after arguing over who'd done better this year of course, but you didn't give them the chance. One second, you were laughing like kids again, the next, all three of you were passed out, Dazai's head on your lap and your head resting on chuuya's shoulder.
And right then, it didn't matter who loved who- it was just you and your friends and three people always ready to kill, die, and party like the world was ending.
But only if you got to do it together.
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vypridae · 3 months
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it’s been awhile since i last asked you about yours hcs so give me more :)
[/nf if you don’t want to]
i apologize for nto seeing this sooner i think you sent this in right when i was going to bed and we've been doing a family thing today so i haven't been able to reply to it
ajnyway. hcs (it is time to struggle thinking for an hour) pls excuse me if i forget what we've talked about and i repeat shit im very tired and kinda sad and a few other things SFHKJFHJKAFSG SO . SORRY IN ADVANCE IF SOMETHING IS REPEATED FROM OTHER POSTS IVE DONE
yosano sometimes finds surprise gifts on her doorstep that are exactly to her tastes (they're from kouyou)
sigma, to impress nikolai, has ATTEMPTED (key word attempted) to braid his own hair before. nikolai spent like ten minutes brushing out the tangles afterwards
t4t kousano ? i think yes. they take estrogen at the same time of the day bc they say its a bonding thing (it so is)
dazai LOOVES those big sweaters that have like huge arms bc theyre SOO soft adn warm. there's one time he gets a package and he's very confused because he didnt order anything and he opens it and inside theres a note that says "happy birthday, bastard" and he immediately recognizes the handwriting as chuuya's and inside is a light blue sweater with the big arms and he doesnt take it off for like three days because he LOVES it so much
tachihara rants to hirotsu bc "GIN IS SOOOOO PRETTY" or "AUAUAGUAUA JUNICHIROUOUOUU...??!? ?!?!??!!" and hirotsu is so done actually but he doesnt mind
higuchi likes to collect little trinkets and has boxes and boxes of stuff she doesnt need but wanted to buy
chuuya "spender's guilt" nakahara x osamu "impulsive buyer" dazai. i rest my case
fyodor has a fan/heater in his room because he cant fall asleep very easily without some sort of sound
poe has found an easy way to get the marble out of ranpo's ramune bottles so ranpo can have the marble and the bottle if he wants
tanitachigin, tachihara is 100% the one who screams at horror games
sometimes sigma wakes up and his hair is in a really nice braided bun or something. (nikolai did it) (its very pretty) (sigma doesn't take it down until he absolutely has to, if not the end of the day)
nonbinary shibusawa !!!! i rest my case x2
chuuya keeps bandage wrap in several places in his apartment because he KNOWS dazai just shows up because for some reason he never bothered to take back his apartment key so dazai will pop in to just chill so he just keeps bandage wrap there for him. he also keeps canned crab in a little minifridge in his bedroom so it doesn't clutter his main fridge
jouno LOVES LOVES LOVES chocolate stuff. specifically chocolate covered strawberries he adores them with his whole heart. tecchou thinks its odd (he thinks strawberries in cocktail sauce is way better) but he's made jouno some damn good chocolate covered strawberries because he knows he likes them. i imagine sometimes he'll buy white strawberries and dip them in white chocolate so BOTH of them can enjoy them (even though tecchou thinks they're waaay too sweet, jouno really likes them so he'll eat them with him to make him happy)
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shippaidan · 2 years
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no one says that they are afraid of love as beautifully as you do
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>>chapter: five >>pairings: chuuya x fem!reader | dazai x fem!reader >>genre: angst >>status: ongoing >>words: 4,8k (that's a long one) >>cw: spoilers, she/her pronouns for reader, swearing, alcohol, mention of vomiting, mentions of death/suicide
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a/n okaay so since it's my birthday today, I decided to post new chapter yeehaw also I'm going out this weekend so I'll probably start posting requests on sunday/monday! sorry for the delay!
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REGRET.
As expected, everything went exactly according to his plan. The freezing wall chilled his back, his hands were chained with thick shackles, and his spine was a little sore from being in the same position for a long time. It was not the most comfortable experience, that's for sure, but there had been worse. And besides, who was he to complain? He was just a kidnapped man.
After rather unpleasant confrontation with his former subordinate, he intensely analyzed the entire situation he found himself in and decided on the best possible steps he could take. However, the sound of footsteps snapped him out of his contemplations. Elegant shoes appeared in his line of sight, and the echo of the steps seemed to pound into his brain.
"Well well well, who do we have here? Plotting as usual?" That voice. That fucking voice. The familiar man stood in full view at the bottom of the stairs, at which Dazai rolled his eyes.
"Dammit,” he muttered.
"Dazai Osamu." Chuuya spat out with a hint of disgust in his voice. To be completely honest, he was definitely the last person Dazai wanted to see, but deep inside he was expecting this visit. He would never let such an opportunity pass him by.
"Oh, the same old Chuuya. How nice to see you here." Dazai sent him a bitter smile. "What brings you to my humble abode? Forgive the mess, I haven't had time to decorate yet."
"I only came to see you as a sad little prisoner. It is better than I could have expected." Chuuya walked closer to the cuffed man and glared at him with despising eyes. The amount of emotion that filled his body seemed to boil from his intense gaze. Rage, betrayal, hatred. A kaleidoscope of feelings shimmered in his irises as he slowly approached Dazai. Until they came face to face with each other.
"Did you miss me so much that you decided to visit me in my misery? Do you want to look into my eyes one last time before I am sentenced to death? How romantic." The wicked smile did not leave his face.
"Listen here, you may be able to fool Akutagawa, but not me." Chuuya walked even closer to Dazai and with a brutal motion grabbed his hair, clenching his fist tightly and pulling downward. With an intense and also a little bit sad gaze, he stared straight into the almost empty eyes of a former friend. "What kind of sick game are you playing now?"
"Playing? I've been captured and am awaiting execution as a traitor of Port-"
"Cut the crap. The Dazai I know would never get caught through bad luck or carelessness. If you were that stupid, I would have killed you long ago.” Chuuya clenched his fist even tighter in his hair. Holding back in this situation required inhuman amounts of patience and self-control, but he had no intention of losing his cool until he knew the real reason for Dazai's reappearance. The stakes were too high, and Dazai was far too dangerous as a player in this game.
"You overthink things too much, Chuuya. But you've always had a bad habit of doing that." Dazai sent him a sly smile, at which Chuuya scowled and let go of a fistful of hair. Every word coming out of his mouth made him nauseous. "I know you like the back of my hand, Chuu. After all, I wouldn't be such a good partner if I didn't know you, would I?"
"Fucking bullshit. Don’t change the subject." Chuuya grunted with annoyance.
"It’s honestly really nice to see that you haven't changed a thing. I bet you are still just a passive observer of your own life, accepting all the logs that fate throws at your feet? Am I right?"
"Oh, shut your mouth already and stop playing dumb. Why did you let yourself get caught? What are you looking for here?” Chuuya was slowly losing patience. Dazai's mere presence was getting on his nerves to the point that with the remaining strength he restrained himself from punching him. With every second of looking at his stupid smirk, memories of her face contorted from suffering ran through his mind. Her bitter tears, broken bottles and nights sat in the bathroom, holding her hair and stroking her back while she threw up the entire contents of her stomach. Chuuya hated Dazai for how much he made her suffer. He hated him with all his heart.
"The main reason is Atsushi."
"Atsushi?" The unfamiliar name caught Chuyua off guard. For a long time, something inside told him that maybe Dazai had come back for her after all. Maybe he had come back to shatter their little heaven they had carefully built over the past months. That would be something that would suit him perfectly. Thus, Dazai's answer both surprised and somewhat calmed him down. Now he got curious. „Who’s Atsushi?”
"That weretiger you're so obsessed with."
"Ah, that guy?” Chuuya waved his hand. "I'm not a part of this whole kidnapping thing. Akutagawa is in charge. I don't have any details."
"Then why were you so bothered by the fact that I'm here? Why else would I-" Suddenly, everything came together in Dazai's head. He laughed quietly, realizing the whole reason for his former partner's visit. His irritation, nervousness and suspicion. It all began to make sense. "Ah I can see what's going on here."
"What are you talking about, shithead?" Chuuya frowned. He definitely didn't like either Dazai's tone or expression painted on his face.
"It's not nice to play dumb like that when moments earlier you accused me of it." Dazai shook his head with mock disapproval. He sighed loudly and continued. "What a plot twist. The side character of his own life finally got the girl. That doesn't happen very often. You should be proud of yourself.”
"What the fuck are you-" Taken aback, Chuuya tried to interrupt him, but Dazai didn't seem to care.
"Don’t worry, I’m not here to take her away from you. I don’t want her. Although I am a little bit curious about how she would react if she saw me down here. I wonder if she would drop everything and run into my arms. What do you think?” He continued his vicious flood of taunting words, not quite sure why he reacted so violently. Why this thought affected him so much. Why imagining her at Chuuya's side felt so... wrong. So he threw out the worst words he could muster, though he wasn't sure if he wanted to fool himself with them or hurt someone in revenge. Maybe both. Maybe he wanted to hurt himself the most.
"Oi, shut up before you say too much. You don't even know what you're talking about." Chuuya felt such an uncontrollable surge of anger that he clenched his fists with all his might.
"It's a real shame that you only have her because I left."
"Last warning, Dazai. I swear to fucking god-"
"Why, am I wrong? Or does the truth hurt you that much?" The man's fury was like fuel for Dazai at that moment. „I’m really sorry I’m the one who have to break it to you, but she would never choose you, if I stayed. No one would.” Dazai's mocking laughter assaulted every cell in Chuuya's body. He saw red. Shut up. Shut up. Shut up. He didn't even fully believe that Dazai would be capable of such a thing. To torment him with such cruel words. Was he really that heartless? „Tell me Chuuya, how does it feel to pick up trash after me?”
And that was the moment when Chuuya snapped. He couldn't bear a single word more from Dazai's mouth. They all bit into his brain and sowed the seeds of doubt with their sharp fangs. So he approached him without hesitation and punched him in the face as hard as he could. Finally, silence fell.
"Try to say one more fucking word, and you won't live to see your execution."
Dazai became more serious. Flames of hatred and betrayal seemed to burn in Chuuya's azure eyes. They stared at one another intensely, as if trying to read each other's thoughts, but neither of them dared to speak a word again. That is until, after a few short moments, the echo of footsteps on the stairs reached their ears.
"Chuuya, you' down here?" Oh no. Dazai opened his eyes wider in surprise. It was a turn of events he had not predicted. His heart started pounding like crazy. No, no, no. This was not how it was supposed to be. She wasn't supposed to come here.
"Yeah, I am." Chuuya replied, completely ignoring the cuffed man, and moved toward the stairs. As soon as her familiar silhouette stood right in front of him, Dazai lost all his previous confidence. For a moment, he even had the feeling, no, he sincerely hoped, that Chuuya's punch was strong enough to knock him unconscious, and that it was all just a hallucination. He was not ready to meet her face to face. However, the moment their gazes met, he no longer had any doubts. He would recognize that pair of wistful eyes anywhere. It was her. The real her.
This did not bode well.
A hot pain spread throughout his chest. She was exactly as stunning as he remembered her. Thousands of thoughts swirled in his head. He carefully watched her escaping gaze, just to avoid looking at him. Her slightly dejected figure. Her lowered tone of voice. As if she was trying to be invisible to him. But it's hard for her to be invisible when she was the one thing in Dazai's eyes worth looking at.
He didn't pay the slightest attention to the conversation between her and Chuuya, but he didn't even look away for a moment. What a torture. Her completely ignoring Dazai was the worst form of penalty. He would have preferred a thousand times more if she had been the one to inflict punishment on him for all the mistakes of the past. Every part of his body begged for her gaze, her attention, her anger. He had to take control of himself and this situation.
"Oh, what a wonderful reunion! Would you like to join our pleasant chat?" He spoke up with an overly sweet smile. She, however, only gave him a vague glance and turned to Chuuya again.
"Give me the keys. When you're done talking to that man, just come to the car." Oh.
"That man? You wound me, darling. Is that how you greet your beloved?" Yes, that's exactly how you should greet someone like me. I should be destroyed. Please, destroy me.
"Beloved? You've got to be kidding me." The note of anger in her voice pleased Dazai. A little more and he'll get what he wants. Please make me feel something again. Make me suffer. Make me bleed.
"Oh don't be like that. It's me, your Osamu. Stop pouting and give me a hug. To the good old days." Just a little bit more.
"I know what you're trying to do and you won't succeed. You won't provoke me." Dazai fell silent. The fake smile came off his face and was replaced by shock, which unfortunately he was unable to hide. She could see right through him, couldn't she?
"Come on, why would I want to provoke you?" He laughed, yet inside he was shrieking, begging for some kind of reaction from her. He prayed that she would scream at him, cry, punch him, make a ruckus and start an apocalypse. Or that she would at least raise her voice a little and give vent to her anger. That she would make it clear to him that he was no longer welcome in her life. Anything, just so he could finally move on.
Please, I beg you, tear me down. I deserved it.
"I won't do it." She said calmly, as if reading his mind. Maybe in fact, she could read his mind. After all, she knew him better than anyone else in this world. She stepped closer to him and gazed straight into his soul with disappointed eyes. "You won't get the closure, Dazai. You don't deserve it now. Are you even aware of what you've done? You left me when I was at my lowest. I lost Ango, I lost Oda and that same night I lost you, and it was your decision to leave me. You don’t get to move on. I just hope you are doing well in your new life and it was worth destroying me completely. I really fucking hope it was worth it."
And the worst part was that... it was not worth it. He was nauseous. Every word coming out of her lips was like a dagger thrust and twisted in his heart. Of course, he was aware of what he had done to her. He wasn't that much of an idiot. But hearing it out loud hurt a thousand times more than he might have thought. He could feel Chuuya's burning gaze of hatred on him, but he didn't care. He focused all his attention on her, like a sponge absorbing the piercing words.
Her voice did not tremble. But Dazai's heart did.
"I don't think I need to tell you where to find the stuff you came here for. I bet you figured it out yourself a long time ago. Just get out of my sight and never come back. I’m not going to let you destroy everything again." And so, the two headed for the stairs without turning back. Leaving Dazai all alone with his greatest enemy. Himself.
From that point on, getting the information he wanted did not require much time or effort from him. The most effort, against all appearances, was to return home. Or rather house. He closed the apartment door behind him and sighed quietly with stale air. It could use some ventilation, that's for sure. He kicked his shoes into a corner somewhere and with a heavy step entered the room.
"I'm home." He muttered to himself. He did every single time, even if there was not a single person to answer him. Not a single person waiting for him. However, he continued this small habit, as if there was still a sliver of hope hidden deep in his heart that one day he would hear the long awaited words. Welcome home.
Home. What a strange word. What was "home" anyway? Everyone certainly has their own definition of it. Was home just a place where a person stored their belongings, spent their free time, and slept under a roof at night? Or was home the smell of a warm dinner, quiet music playing on the radio and more than one pair of shoes by the doormat? What was this enigmatic "home"?
Well, according to Dazai, home was a place on earth. A place where he could return with peace of mind, knowing that he would always be welcomed back and accepted. A place where he could remove all masks from his face and fully be himself, without fear of rejection. A place where someone would be waiting for him, who would wrap him in gentleness and patience. A place where he could die every night and be born again along with the sunrise. A small heaven on earth.
Dazai did not have a home.
Or at least not anymore.
He began to wonder if she had a home these days. Did her snow-white walls still exude the icy cold of forsaken souls and sleepless nights? Did her bedroom still smell of empty promises and broken voices? Did the phantom of the life he left behind seep into the concrete of the walls and haunt her every night?
Or maybe now the frost of her life had been replaced by a soothing warmth she had never experienced before. Maybe her living room was decorated with beautiful flowers and floating memories in photographs where her smile outshone even the summer sun. Maybe the couch was draped with soft blankets and a pile of pillows where she rested at her leisure, watching her favorite movies. Maybe there was a warm dinner waiting for her and the gentle smile of another person. Two pairs of slippers, two mugs of morning coffee and two spoons in the sink, after a late night ice cream snack.
Maybe someone had given her the home that Dazai never could.
He hoped so.
He stood in the middle of the nearly empty room and, for the first time in a long time, looked around carefully. The dark apartment without an ounce of soul was a perfect reflection of him. Devoid of any beauty, it brought no comfort, no sense of security or reassurance. Only empty walls, a bed that hadn't been made in weeks, and clothes scattered on the floor that he didn't have the energy to put back in place. It was his own hell, which reminded him of his misery and solitude every single day.
Or was it not hell? Maybe it was just purgatory. A place where he could atone for his previous life. Even if he wasn't very religious, Dazai was sure, this must be some kind of punishment. Punishment for all the crimes and sins he had committed. For all the lives he had taken, for all the blood he had spilled, for every broken bone and heart ripped from the chest. For every trigger pulled. For every family he shattered. For the fact that he was born.
He sincerely believed that someone like him should never have been born. From an early age, he had been searching for the essence of life, but he couldn't find it in anyone or anything in his path. So he gravitated to people and environments where feelings and emotions were uncannily real. Where no one bothered to mask their worst sides. Where he could observe behavior, and perhaps that way he could learn how to be human.
His biggest mistake, however, was seeking the meaning of life in a place that ended it without hesitation. He hoped that in the raw emotions of the murderers, he would find the truth about what really makes a person human. And all he found was his own downfall.
However, in the midst of this chaos of death and doom, there was also her. In her hard shell hiding a beauty that Dazai was not worthy enough to see. Her cold hands covered in gold so delicately put his fragments together as if he were fragile porcelain. He probably never gave a hint of it, but her every word touched a depth of his soul he didn't even know he had. In her coldness, she was warm like oozing blood, dripping slowly onto the melting snow. She was a breath of fresh air after a midnight downpour. The first sip of morning coffee. She was beautiful. Beautiful in such an incomprehensible way that Dazai never saw anyone like her again.
On a daily basis, she was surrounded by an aura of composure and calm. A determined gaze always focused on the goal. Ready to do anything to achieve it. Confident, unstoppable, merciless. Yet she was at the same time the embodiment of comfort and understanding. She never judged. She made everyone at the bar laugh with her sense of humor, and her breakfasts were the best he had ever had. Existence with her by his side was a little more bearable.
Above all, however, she was too good for him. Too understanding, too patient, too caring. She didn't care for him the way a person would care for a small child. She didn't hover over him, she didn't pander to his every whim, she didn't flood him with a wave of affectionate words. Most of the time, in complete silence, she simply stayed by his side, absorbing together the frost of the morning and the frost of their hearts. And that was enough.
Oh how dare he hurt her like that?
However, Dazai knew that he was no good to her. He was only giving her a substitute for what she really needed. What she really deserved. Even if she was a ruthless mafia executive, ready to pull the trigger at any moment, taking lives exactly like him, without hesitation. She was something more. Or at least in Dazai's eyes.
He did not yet understand the concept of love back then. In fact, he probably still didn't fully understand it. However, at the time, these feelings overwhelmed him. He wasn't used to the racing heartbeat, the burning warmth in his chest and the indescribable attachment that pushed him to spend every possible moment by her side. He wasn't used to it and was terrified by it. He was terrified by the very sound of the cursed word. He was terrified by the dependence on another human being and the prospect that sooner or later he might lose her. How would he survive losing her after exposing his whole heart? He knew that the best way out was to end their relationship before it developed. Nevertheless, he selfishly allowed himself to bask in her presence a moment too long. Then unforgiving fate proved to him once again that everything he ever wanted would be taken away from him.
He realized that his leave from the mafia would bring much suffering. What he didn't expect, however, was that most of that suffering would fall on him. Perhaps it was for the best. After all, he was the evil of this world. An outcast, looking for his own place, yet never knowing how to fully fit in.
Oh what in the world had he done? Was it all really worth it? Was abandoning everything just to fulfill a dying friend's last wish actually his path? Or did he make an irreversible mistake? Regardless, there was no turning back. Nor a chance to make things right again.
He did not predict the consequences. Oh how painfully he did not predict the consequences of this rash fulfillment of a promise. The beginning was not so bad. He disappeared from the face of the earth, holed up in his own world and waited patiently for the smoke of confusion caused by his disappearance to slowly settle. Time, however, verified him. His life completely lost any leftover shine and color, and turned into a pure attempt to exist from day to day. Dazai stopped living. Dazai began to vegetate.
And what's the point in that? What's the point in fighting every morning, only to spend another day in solitude and go to bed with the same sense of hopelessness as the day before? What is the point? The thing is, there is no point. That's why in Dazai's life, death was not a terrifying vision of the unknown, it was like a beautiful salvation, saving him from the burden of life on earth. From the weight of regret, remorse and rejection. He clung to the concept of death like a drowning man grasping at a razor, as his last resort. There were days when he desired it more than anything else in the world. To end this never-ending string of failures and disappointments. To close his eyes once and for all and finally truly rest. From the world, from people, from suffering. From himself.
Oh what a pathetically weak man he was. All it took was a moment, one look in her direction and a few words flowing from between her lips to shake the foundation of the entire new life he had built from scratch. But how could he ignore the blistering pain in his heart and the weight in his throat, brutally falling into his stomach? He couldn't get rid of the memory of her fleeing gaze, just to avoid catching eye contact with him. Her defensive posture, as if his very presence was a threat to her and an agonizing pain. And maybe it was. It probably was.
He saw her in many different situations. He saw rage emanating from her eyes and ripping out of her throat, he saw sadness overwhelming her mind and he saw joy filling the room with sunshine. He saw it all. However, he had never seen her so defeated and retreating. Or at least he had never been the one she was pulling away from. The realization flashed through his mind that he would probably never see her sincere smile ever again. And that thought somehow hurt him particularly deeply.
He began to wonder how their lives would have turned out if he had stayed in the mafia instead. Would they still be inseparable, giving each other every bit of warmth they could ever muster? Maybe they would have been more than just souls suspended in the void, accompanying each other through the hardships of the world. Maybe they would have crossed that invisible barrier and become something more. Maybe they would have learned to love. Or maybe their paths would have drifted apart over time, leaving a bitter aftertaste of shattered hope in their mouths. What if they met now? If they had met when Dazai had already abandoned his merciless alter ego, would their story have turned out differently? Oh how Dazai longed at least for a moment to go back in time and shake the younger version of himself. To tell him to come to his senses, that it's not worth it. That he is irreversibly losing something from his life that will never happen again.
He cringed at the very memory of his cruel words that he sometimes threw in her direction. How he used to reject her without a second thought and throw her out of his life. How brutally he was able to break her spirit time and time again, only to return the next day as if nothing had ever happened. He continually left her in darkness, doubt and despair, making her look for a way back on her own, while he reached out to her without hesitation, whenever he got a little lost. He wasn't being fair. He knew it.
He only hoped that someday she would be able to forgive him. Because he will never be able to forgive himself.
Maybe that was the sign that he had actually changed. Living in the light gave him a different perspective on the world. And because of this, the mistakes he made in the past weighed on his shoulders more than he could carry. So he kept collapsing. Every single day. And there was no one left to pick him up.
Dazai was so painfully miserable.
And now he was alone. Completely alone. Despite his daily conversations with his colleagues at the agency, despite the morning calls from an impatient Kunikida who rushed him to work, despite the smile that graced his face every day, he was alone. Like a clown performing in a circus, his each and every day began to resemble a pathetic performance more than actual life. Pretending as if he had not been dying the night before.
So in the end, was it really worth it? Wasn't he supposed to be happy by doing the right thing? Why was he so wretched, even though he did everything Odasaku asked him to do, letting out that one final breath on his deathbed? Could it be possible that Odasaku was wrong? Is it selfish of Dazai to regret his decision at times? Is it really that selfish of him to want to return to where he was truly happy? Even if only a little? To that questions, and a thousand others, Dazai unfortunately did not know the answer.
Of one thing he was sure. The night that would prove to be his demise, the night he would finally place a delicate kiss on death's lips, he will whisper into the eternal immensity of the sky. He will whisper as if he is whispering in her ear one last time. Hoping that the moon will carry his voice and reach her soul.
I'm sorry I was too terrified to love you.
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nkhrchuwuya · 2 years
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first things first...
happy, happy birthday chuuya!!!
i have a birthday fic for you that i hadn't manged to finish in time, but i promise, universe forgiving, soon and not too late!
now back to regular programming: i'm gonna be clear to you guys i pulled a stupid, i had some headcanons scheduled for yesterday but i queued it... to today instead because i'm an idiot 😂 so have a little more than usual this afternoon!
transparency post: 25 in the box!
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fictionkinfessions · 2 years
Note
Please post on April 29th if possible. Thank you Mod.
So it’s my birthday today well it is and isn’t, you know how that is and I’m thinking about things I miss. Of course the height hasn’t changed, at all, as much as I would like to grow taller than 157cm… I do miss my immense strength like sure, I could manipulate the forces of gravity but I was also was a highly skilled martial artist.
I don’t have that dexterity and balance in my body anymore nor the energy to hone my body to get it back a fraction it was. it’s extremely frustrating… here’s to another year for me of being vertically challenged and falling flat on my fucking face every time I open the medicine cupboard half a foot above me. - Chuuya Nakahara (Bungou Stray Dogs)
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xo-cuteplosion-xo · 3 years
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Happy birthday Chuuya
It’s a little early for me yet, since it’s still 4-28 and will be for a few more hours, but I’m posting it anyway. (my plan was to write more, but if i plan on getting sleep -cause i have yet to start my 35 math questions - i must write the scenario tomorrow 😔)
Chuuya’s birthday HC |Chuuya x Reader|
When you wake up on this very special day, the first thought on your mind is making this day all about your lover.
You try your best to not wake him, make him some breakfast, and add some extra things to it.
When he does toss himself out of bed and wanders into the kitchen, he’s probably forgotten that it’s his birthday.
Throughout the day, you probably managed to decrease his paperwork, the number of meetings, and his work in general.
Of course, this was so you could get him home as fast as possible
Surprise parties can be a pain to put together after all.
Everybody was in on it the moment you suggested this, and you had been looking forward to surprising him with his favorite brand of wine.
Once the day is over, you can expect him to be less energetic and ready to shout, since while it took him ages to remember what today was, nobody had said anything yet.
He’d at least been expecting it from you this morning, but you didn’t
Of course, it was to hide the surprise party from him at all costs.
So when you come out of your shared room dressed in some casual clothes, he gets a gloomy look.
“Come on Chuuya, we're going out for a bit.”
He’ll shrug, but go anyways with a small hope you planned something for today.
When you lead him to a bar used normally for port mafia business, he huffs with a small groan before looking at you skeptically.
If you manage to not give in despite how distressed he looks, good for you.
When you lead him into the lightless bar, he freaks out a bit trying to find the switch.
While you lead him to the center of the room, he questions what’s going on.
When the lights suddenly turn on and you make small jazz hands while leaning in for a kiss, he may not kiss back from pure shock.
He’ll smile lightly eventually.
After a moment of taking it all in, he leans in to kiss you.
Then he may start shouting and cursing.
Expect him to end up opting to not drink your gift.
He says he wants to save it for an extremely special occasion, because it’s from you.
He may have one glass just to taste, but he’ll get drunk with some other wine.
Who knows if you're lucky, you may have a fun-filled night, if you know what I mean.
Otherwise, it’s going to be a night with lots of leftover cake being snacked upon, movies, and of course, cuddling until the two of you can’t keep your eyes open.
He’ll tell you this was the best birthday he’s ever had.
It’s genuine too, this was probably the first time he really had a big celebration for his birthday.
He secretly hopes somebody took some pictures and would give them to him, only so he could remember how much fun he had with you today.
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toraashi · 3 years
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Chuuya Week Day 6
Hello! This is the princess AU. It’s an unfinished drabble I wrote a long time ago, so I might finish it some other time and I’ll post the results lol. Also formatting on mobile is awful so sorry about the weird random spaces.
The distant sounds of the roaring ball were what kept him awake.
Guarding the front hall of the castle wasn’t particularly intriguing work, after all, but at least it kept him from the temptation that the fine, regal wine served in crystal bowls brought. He could easily imagine his calloused fingers swathed in dark leather gingerly gripping the elegant goblet swirling with the sweet crimson fluid, a whirlpool of euphoria. Standing from his perch on the velvet sofa on the far side of the breathtaking foyer, he strolled carelessly to the center of the room, his ebony shoes rubbing into the lovely golden threaded carpet that extended down the length of the chamber, complemented by sunshine strings embroidering every bit of furniture. The iridescent, glimmering chandelier above him was alight with the finest of candles, set precariously by one of the kingdom’s top tier maids. It gave everything a pale, almost eerie glow, especially in the night’s blanket of dreary gloom. Above him were painfully high rib vaulted ceilings that were decorated with a dramatist’s arrangement of stained glass.
Pacing back and forth, he kept both sapphire eyes locked on each tall, ebony pointed arch door. He was instructed to ward off any threats that may appear to take the princess hostage, after all, a widely known celebration for her birthday would raise some heads in the underground. The subdued sound of breaths alerted him immediately, and he tread to the door, kneeling on one strong leg to peer through the tarnished brass keyhole. A hitch sounded merely inches away, but it was hardly a hostile noise, merely dainty, reminding him of a halcyon he vaguely remembered. Relinquishing his tense gait, he shuffled backwards, allowing the culprit to meander into the room, albeit more innocently than she actually was. The sight of her scintillating diamond tiara was enough to elicit more than an exasperated sigh.
“My, I suppose you’re not as thrilled at my presence as I presumed.” She cast a shimmering grin his way, arms outstretched as she skipped towards him, light and flighty like a graceful ballerina, or a fledgling bird, young and naive.
“Aren’t you supposed to be in the ballroom? It’s a party for you.” Scoffing, she dramatically placed her hands on her corseted waist.
“Chuu, it’s not as if it particularly matters whether I’m there or not. Father hosted the party merely for attention, as always.” Scrunching up her face, she furrowed her eyebrows. “He’s most likely plotting something. Besides, why must you be melancholy at my appearance? You are my bodyguard, you should be absolutely enamored!” Chuuya flicked his chin up, hues narrowing demeaningly.
“Because when I have to watch your stupid ass I lose focus on other dangers.”
“Isn’t this post a means of protecting me anyway, kind sir?” Growling under his breath, he fiddled with the carved wooden end of his knife protruding from its sheath.
“Maybe. Go back.”
“No.” God, his resolve was already crumbling. He was already discontented with how soft he was around her, and her arrival was causing more problems than he would ever want to deal with. Unfortunately, before he could utter another rumbling word, two lithe appendages looped across the expanse of his waist, tugging him backwards until his back was pressed against her front half. “Please don’t make me go.”
“Princess. Your place is in the ballroom, not in the foyer with your bodyguard.”
“My bodyguard who is neglecting to live up to his duties. You couldn’t possibly imagine the amount of demeaning comments I’ve received. Invitations to slip out of the room and into another man’s arms. It’s simply exhausting.” Her voice was muffled against the cropped coat on his back, wisps of her hair tickling the exposed skin on his sleeves. Normally, the idea of a man treating her so poorly would boil his blood and scald his skin, but exhaustion and exasperation was too prominent in his stature today.
“Let go.”
“Chuuya…”
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musicprincess655 · 4 years
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Ryuu wakes up a week after his twenty-fifth birthday with a fully formed frontal lobe, the remnants of dream that didn’t even have the decency to be wet, and an unfortunate realization.
“Gin.”
She’s already up, of course, sipping at a coffee, but then, she’s always been the more functional one. Ryuu would argue that it’s because she’s younger and therefore spent less time in the slums before their lives found some stability in the Port Mafia. Gin would argue that it’s because Chuuya raised her instead of Dazai.
“I believe I may have…feelings…for Jinko.”
She doesn’t look suitably impressed by the earth-shattering news.
“Do you want a regular cake or a cupcake tower at the wedding?”
Ryuu is so shocked by her lack of shock that he actually answers.
“Cupcake tower.” He shakes his head. “Did you hear me? I have feelings for Jinko.”
“It’s kind of too late to go back to calling him Jinko when you’ve been calling him by his real name for over a year.”
“I have feelings for-!”
“I heard you the first two times!”
“Then tell me what I’m supposed to do!”
“I don’t know!” she snaps, although she sounds more exasperated than mad. “Woo him? Marry him? Bear his weird tiger babies?”
“That’s physically impossible. Also, no?”
“I don’t know what you want here,” she says. “General dating advice wouldn’t work on you two.”
“Dating?!”
“Fucking hell.” She sounds so frustrated that Ryuu is sure she’s about to throw a knife at him just to get him to shut up. “Try talking to him.”
“No.”
“Then eat shit and die!”
Ryuu isn’t quite sure who else to ask for help. He almost goes to Chuuya, but considering Chuuya’s – arrangement? Relationship? – with Dazai, Ryuu thinks that might actually make everything worse. Whatever those two are doing, he doesn’t think it’ll work for anyone else.
So he takes the second option presented to him: he shoves those feelings right back where they belong and forgets they ever existed. Or tries to.
See, Ryuu is good at anger. He recognizes it in himself, knows now how to ramp it down or let it take him as necessary, knows how to use it, TED talk to follow. What is he supposed to do with something so much softer?
It should be easy to ignore. But like an amorphous block, the soft edges of the feelings squeeze out no matter where he tries to shove them down.
Ryuu doesn’t think Atsushi has noticed anything is off. He’s sure Atsushi would have said something by now otherwise. As an adult, Atsushi has all the observation skills of a detective and none of the reticence for sharing his observations that he used to. The new confidence is annoying, and has led to annoying things like Ryuu being forced to buy Atsushi food all the time, and in general, Atsushi is somehow more annoying than when he went running scared from Ryuu’s every glare.
And Ryuu has feelings for him anyway. His taste leaves much to be desired, and he needs to come up with some synonyms for annoying.
This systematic denial works for all of two weeks, and Ryuu is ready to celebrate the success of creating a new normal so seamlessly that Atsushi hasn’t even noticed they have a new normal, when it all goes to shit.
They don’t have quite as many people to beat into the ground to protect Yokohama as they did when they started their partnership, but every so often, a new group thinks it’s a good idea to disturb the peace. Ryuu and Atsushi, for their efficiency alone, are the best choice for dealing with it.
Some syndicate from Europe seems to think they have the right to expand into the Asian market, and they’ve set their eyes on the port of Yokohama for their first step in. They don’t have nearly the same aversion to city-wide destruction that the Port Mafia do, which makes this the Armed Detective Agency’s problem too, and, consequently, Ryuu and Atsushi’s problem. They’re in charge of stopping and containing a Gifted vanguard while the combined strategic might of Dazai and Mori deal with the rest of the syndicate.
It’s a tough fight, but Ryuu gets to let loose and use his Ability to the fullest. His deal with Atsushi to not kill is long since over, but he developed habits during those six months that he hasn’t bothered to shake, and the fight isn’t the bloodbath it could be. Still, when the last person raises their hands in surrender, Ryuu is almost gasping for breath. He may have learned to work smarter instead of harder, but working smarter is hard on him in its own way.
“Good work today,” Atsushi says, wiping blood from an already-healed cut off his mouth. Even after all this time, the praise still sends a thrill down Ryuu’s spine.
Then Atsushi lifts his head, and his eye are so wide, and he looks so happy, smiling without reservation at Ryuu, and Ryuu doesn’t know what his face does, but it must be pretty spectacular because Atsushi’s smile fades.
“Are you okay?” he asks. “You’re not hurt, are you?”
“I’m fine,” Ryuu says, turning on his heel to get away from Atsushi and the emotions he wears so openly. He needs to find a bar, one Atsushi won’t follow him to, and he doesn’t stop to consider the implications of skipping their post-mission dinner arrangement for the first time in years.
When Chuuya finds him, he’s getting systematically drunk.
Which, granted, doesn’t take much, He’s always been a bit of a lightweight, probably due to how severely underweight he’s been for most of his life. That’s not quite the problem it used to be, and one shot isn’t enough to take him out at the knees anymore, but he doesn’t even have to use his fancy mafia paycheck to get well and truly plastered.
“So I know I’m about to sound like a hypocrite, but it’s barely five,” Chuuya says, and while his words are chiding, his tone isn’t. Ryuu is still working on reading people’s intentions, but Chuuya has never been hard. He’s worried. “Wanna talk?”
“Stupid fucking Jinko and his stupid fucking doe eyes,” Ryuu mutters before he can stop himself. He’s had six shots. He wishes he had a better excuse.
“Oh, so it’s that kind of drinking,” Chuuya sighs. He raises his hand to catch the bartender’s attention, elegant and confident in one motion. “Whiskey for me. Water for him.”
“I’m fine.”
“Akutagawa.”
Chuuya rests his hand on Ryuu’s head, and Ryuu is almost ashamed of the way he leans into the touch immediately. Despite all the jokes even he himself makes, he’s not a dog. Still, to have someone touch him without even the intention of hurting him…it’s nice. It’s uncommon. It’s, perhaps, something that shouldn’t be so uncommon from a superior.
He’s so drunk.
“Do you want my advice?” Chuuya asks after the bartender sets both of their drinks down and Ryuu throws back half the tall glass of water.
Ryuu is silent for just a beat too long.
“Kid,” Chuuya sighs again, not angry or even exasperated, as is more common with him and Ryuu recently. He sounds faintly amused. “I know we’ve talked about this. You’re allowed to say no to me.”
“It’s not…” Ryuu tries. “I just…” He has to parse it into words, the fact that after Gin, Chuuya was the first he thought to turn to, and why he didn’t in the end. “I don’t know if I, necessarily, want the answer I think you’ll give me.”
“What answer do you think I’ll give you?” Chuuya asks. His hand is still on Ryuu’s head, pulling until Ryuu is very nearly tucked into his shoulder.
“Two options,” Ryuu says. “Something I can’t use, or something I won’t want to.”
“Ah.” Chuuya takes a sip of his whiskey. “You know I’ve had relationships with people other than Dazai, right?”
“That’s where the something I can’t use comes from.”
“So my relationship with Dazai is too fucked up, but all my other relationships are too normal?” Chuuya asks, summing it up entirely too well.
“I don’t think I can do normal,” Ryuu says. “I’m pretty sure he can’t either.”
“I can’t tell you how to fix that,” Chuuya admits. “If I knew, I wouldn’t be where I am. Which isn’t a complaint, by the way. I’m happy. But I’ll admit parts of my life are less than functional, and that’s down to choices I’ve made. That being said…” he gives Ryuu’s hair a little tug until Ryuu is truly resting on his shoulder, head momentarily stopped from spinning, “…I doubt Nakajima would kick you out of his life for anything at this point.”
“You think I should talk to him too,” Ryuu says.
“Gin’s smarter than you give her credit for.”
“She told you about this?”
“I just know she’s the only other person you’d tell about this,” Chuuya says. “You’re not actually that complicated.”
“I talk to Higuchi about stuff,” Ryuu pouts. He won’t admit he’s pouting.
“You’re not cruel to her anymore,” Chuuya says. “So no, I don’t think you would’ve told her about this.”
“I want another shot.”
“You should probably be done for the night,” Chuuya advises. “Listen. I don’t know how this is gonna shake out. I don’t know Nakajima well enough to guess what he’ll do. But I do know you, and I can tell you that you’re gonna be okay.”
“You think?”
“I think it would take another city-destroying disaster for you to not be okay,” Chuuya says. “And that wasn’t an invitation. I’m enjoying the peace. It’s good for business.” His phone chimes. “Your ride is here, and you’re cut off.”
“You called a car?”
“Like I said,” Chuuya says, getting to his feet, “I know you.”
Having a superior care so openly about him is still a bit of a new experience, and rather than try to examine anything Chuuya said, Ryuu just collapses into bed when the driver drops him off, hoping he’ll just forget everything by the morning. He doesn’t, of course, because that would be too easy.
Things were fine between him and Atsushi before, but suddenly, there’s a new tension. Ryuu panics, convinced Atsushi knows, but after a day of careful observation, he’s almost positive that Atsushi actually doesn’t. Atsushi isn’t shying away from the parts of their alliance that Ryuu, a few years ago, had reluctantly labelled as friendship. He doesn’t have a problem with their casual conversation, and their shared food arrangements have picked up again without so much as a mention of one missed.
In fact, the only thing that has changed is actually something Ryuu’s seen before, just not in years.
They’re friends now. Beyond just tolerating his presence, Ryuu does like having Atsushi around. He even has these new mushy feelings that make him a little sick to his stomach if he thinks about them too hard. But none of that changes the fact that sometimes, Atsushi annoys the ever-loving fuck out of him.
Snapping at Atsushi usually only gets Ryuu an eye roll now, or sometimes a shut up if he says something particularly spiteful, but ever since Ryuu bailed on dinner, every time he snaps at Atsushi, instead of the customary dismissal, Ryuu gets a flinch like he used to when they first started working together.
And seriously, what the fuck? He knows Atsushi isn’t scared of him anymore. For one thing, they’ve proven a few times that Atsushi can beat him into the ground if he wants. For another, Ryuu has calmed down a bit and Atsushi has stuck around enough to figure out how to exist in the same space without killing each other. They haven’t had a serious fight in years.
Ryuu can’t figure out what Atsushi’s sudden problem is, and doubly can’t figure out why it would’ve started after he skipped buying Atsushi food once. It’s almost enough to push the mush feelings that started this whole mess to a backburner, only surfacing when Ryuu’s eyes linger too long on the clean, lithe lines of Atsushi’s body, and he knows he’s not the only one who stares, anyway.
And then a new group surfaces. A remnant faction of the Guild that has apparently spent the better part of five years biding their time and preparing to take revenge on both the Port Mafia and the ADA. Since Ryuu and Atsushi were the ones to take down Fitzgerald, the faction prepared the most for them. From the beginning of an attack they only had the slightest warning for, Ryuu and Atsushi are methodically separated from everyone else.
They’re losing. Badly. Ryuu doesn’t know where any allies are except for Atsushi, and then only because Rashomon still has a tendril on him. Blood pours down his leg from a shot above his knee, and Ryuu resists the urge to favor the leg in case he has to run again. He ducks into an alley and slides down the wall, trying to catch his breath, get his bearings. He hasn’t had to legitimately fight for survival in a long time, and though his life has made him no stranger to pain, he’s not as young as he used to be, and his body protests when Ryuu tries to demand movement from it.
“Aku.”
It seems Atsushi has found him. Ryuu doesn’t even bother to snap at him for the nickname. Atsushi picked up the habit a few years back, saying Ryuu’s name was too long for him to yell, and Ryuu has begrudgingly gotten used to it, only putting up token protests now. He hurts too much for those, though.
“We have to get clear,” Ryuu tells him.
He heard some distant explosions he’d bet his coat are Chuuya, and where they find Chuuya, they’ll find the Black Lizard – they’ll find Gin – and they’ll find Dazai, or at least Dazai’s mind, talking through an earpiece and entirely out of the fight, safe where he’s most effective. Those allies would be enough to turn the tide, if only Ryuu had any damn clue how they could get clear.
“I have an idea,” Atsushi says.
“That is not your area,” Ryuu counters. He can’t help himself. Everything hurts.
“I know you’re mad at me, but trust me on this,” Atsushi pleads.
“I’m not…” Ryuu is so taken aback he needs a second to organize a response. “Why would I be mad at you?”
Generally speaking, he’s almost never mad at Atsushi anymore. If he is’ it’s a fleeting anger, gone as soon as he recognizes it. He has no clue why Atsushi might think he’s angry enough to revert their relationship back five years.
“Because you skipped dinner, and you made this face…” Atsushi trails off, and Ryuu…
His taste leaves so much to be desired. Atsushi is an idiot, all personal growth aside, and Ryuu realizes, with a degree of horror, that he feels something very close to fond.
“That’s not why,” he says, voice gruff, and he’s once again lost control of his face. Atsushi searches his eyes, and Ryuu sees the moment the truth dawns on him.
“Are you…?”
“You said you had an idea?” Ryuu interrupts. He keeps his eyes off Atsushi’s face.
“I do,” Atsushi says. “I need all of Rashomon.”
Ryuu instinctively holds his Ability closer. He’d given all of her to Atsushi earlier, a standard play when they’re in an all-out fight, but it only works when Atsushi takes all the hits. After he got shot in the leg, he pulled part of her back.
“Do you think you can hold onto me?” Atsushi asks.
“Why?”
“I won’t be able to hold onto you.”
“You’re going to get us both killed,” Ryuu accuses without heat. He can already feel himself relenting.
“Trust me,” Atsushi begs.
Ryuu does.
“I guess another trip with the world’s worst Uber driver isn’t the worst way to go,” Ryuu sighs.
Atsushi crouches in front of him, hands careful on Ryuu’s leg as he clambers onto Atsushi’s back. It aches, but Ryuu holds with both his arms and hopes for the best.
“Use Rashomon to amplify the jump,” Atsushi tells him. “And leave me plenty of slack.”
“Slack…why?” Ryuu asks, but Atsushi is already gone under his hands, replaced with a tiger. “Oh.”
Atsushi’s muscles bunch, and that’s all the warning Ryuu gets before they take off into the sky.
The tiger can’t fly, but the jump is so powerful, especially with the added strength of Rashomon, that it feels like a near thing. They soar above the building they’d been sheltered behind, over the heads of their enemies, and by the time anyone thinks to attack, it’s already too late.
“East,” Ryuu shouts above the wind. With the new vantage point he can get a better idea of where Chuuya is. Atsushi can’t answer him, of course, but he obeys anyway, touching down and running towards the explosions. They’re almost to relative safety when a strike from the side sends them both sprawling.
An Ability user approaches them, hands crackling with something obviously dangerous. Ryuu doesn’t stop to think. He just attacks, Rashomon rushing the man in furious tendrils. He pulls back at the last minute, and when the dust clears, the man is unconscious and full of holes, but still breathing.
Ryuu is just turning to see if he needs to pull emergency first aid skills out of his ass when he gets an armful of re-humanized Atsushi and a pair of lips hitting his own like a punch. He doesn’t even have time to respond to the kiss before Atsushi shoves him back by the shoulders.
“Wait, shit!”
Atsushi regrets the kiss. Atsushi regrets him.
Ryuu’s hand twitches towards the phone in his pocket. He can leave this all behind and start a new life. In Iceland. He can use the Duolingo app Chuuya made him download to learn the language. He’ll herd sheep. He’ll change his name to Sven.
“I was supposed to ask for consent first!”
“What?” Ryuu – Sven – asks.
“I’m supposed to ask for consent before I kiss you!”
This doesn’t…feel like rejection. Sven – Ryuu – takes his thumb off the Duolingo app.
“You’ve been thinking about kissing me?” he asks.
“I was…I mean…” Atsushi flushes red. “For a while now? I never thought you’d want me to, but then you did, and…”
Leave it to Atsushi to charge right through all the hesitancy Ryuu’s been feeling. He always has been the kind to leap before he looks.
In a better world, they’d have time to let this play out like a shoujo manga, time for them to gaze into each other’s eyes, time to work up to a kiss much softer and slower, something a first kiss deserves to be.
But it’s not a better world, and they’re still not safe, but they’re close enough to allies that they can make a run for it.
“We have to get out of here,” Ryuu says. He can already hear enemies approaching. Atsushi lets go of his shoulders, and they both start running, Ryuu limping on his bad leg. “And Atsushi?”
“Hm?”
“Buy me dinner first.”
Ryuu doesn’t watch Atsushi take that for the consent it is, but he knows the message is received when Atsushi reaches out to squeeze his hand as they run, letting it drop so they can move faster. They’ll probably have to talk this out when they’re safe, because Gin is right; they need to talk. But now they both know it’s not one-sided, and it’s as good a starting place as any.
In spite of the pain in his leg and his lungs, in spite of the danger they’re still in, Ryuu can’t help the grin that spreads across his face as he runs, Atsushi by his side.
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Hiya everyone! I want to say thank you for everything. It had been one year when I have this blog. So yay, pursuingideals had turn one year old! This make me very happy and not only that, right now I have 88 followers. ^^ So thank you everyone, thank you for following me, rping with me, interacting with me. You guys are one of the main reasons that this blog is still here. There are many times I am worry that my Kunikida is not good enough but I hope you enjoy rping with me and my portrayal of Kunikida. I know there are other more amazing and popular Kunikida blogs than me but I am still thankful for the people who follow and rp with my Kunikida. You guys all help this blog turn one year old. So thank you everyone for following me! Thank you for all the fun times you gave me! Thank you for helping this blog be alive! Thank you for rping with me! Thank you for being patient with me since I am a slow partner. Also I just find it funny that today is also my father’s birthday (August 26) so lol this blog and my father both turn a year older and Kunikida is kinda like a dad (well more like a mom but still) haha. I was feeling lazy and would just want to only tag people like I did when my Regulus blog became three years old but nah since my Kunikida just became one year old, I will do more than that.
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@aiolia-leo / @luminos-red / @minerva-the-witch / @altered-aegis / @durkhankes
Afelle, hey you and Zaria are like my best friends on tumblr haha. XD Well, Zaria isn’t rping on tumblr anymore so it is just you but you know how much I love rpng with you whether it is with Regulus or Kunikida. Minerva and Kunikda are such good friends…more than just good friends lol, it will take a while for Kunikida to notice while Minerva is aware of her feelings already. But one day Kunikida will notice his feelings and he and Minerva are going to be one badass and cute couple. Kunikida and Lumina’s interactions are so cute, he is like the father Lumina wants. Ahhh and when Minerva and Kunikida get together, Lumina can call him daddy! Aiolia and Kunikida are good friends too. It is funny how Aiolia is like the older brother/mentor to Regulus and now he is the younger one in this relationship since Kunikida is so responsible and Aiolia looks up to him despite being higher status and Kunikdia sees him as a more responsible Leo saint than Regulus haha. Kohaku, oh so much things to say. While Kohaku is originally an evil character, he is completely different in the Bungou Stray Dogs verse, he is trying to learn how to be good again with Kunikida’s help. Kunikida is like that father and teacher that Kohaku need. I just love their relationship so much. Luke, Dei and Kunikida, while Kunikida doesn’t know a lot about them yet, he does respect them and lol I bet the more they know of him, the more Luke wants to hire him because he is so responsible and hardworking haha. But anyway, so many muses and threads and fun times between us. ^^ It is unfortunate that the Bungou Stray Dogs fandom is not interest in rping with you but hey as long as we have fun with each other. (Hopefully this will help get you some followers, jk I highly doubt that unfortuantely but ah well) Thank you, Afelle!
@thesoaringaquila
Hey Jemi! Our threads between Kunikida and Kallistrate is so much fun. It is always fun to see Kallistrate constantly teasing Kunikida and at least with her teasing, she seem to genuinely wants Kunikida to lighten up and not be so serius and uptight while Dazai’s teasing seem to poke more fun to annoy Kunikida more haha. It would be interesting to see their friendship grow more and see how they interact with each other more. Lol, now wait and see when Kallistrate ever see Kunikida’s list of ideal requirements for a romantic partner, she would be horrified. XD (cross out that requirements) So thank you for rping with me!
@muses-galore
Hi! First of all, Tetsu is such a cute oc. I know there isn’t a lot of interaction between Tetsu and Kunikida yet and Kunikida seems to scare Tetsu but lol he isn’t scary just too serious for his own good. XD But I am sure they will get more interaction and later when Tetsu get to know him better, he would see that Kunikida isn’t as scary and nice just like Regulus said he is. But thank you for rping with me!
@pxrtalmxster
Hey Kayla! Your oc, Kayla is very interesting, I can see that you put a lot of thought and development into her. I had fun rping with her. Our threads are so interesting, I mean I think our threads are the only ones that actually goes into depth and explores more of both characters, Kunikida and Kayla and I love that. I wish I would have more threads that explore the character but for some reason, it is strange cause our thread is the only that does that. (Lol, while for Regulus, I have more threads like that with him even if he is a more simple guy and Kunikida is more complex….) Not only that, Kayla and Kunikida’s relationship is interesting and complicated. They are not fully friends but at the same time, kind of are, as I said complicated. Kunikida is just confuse by Kayla and want to understand her more and Kayla is still keeping secrets and can see Kunikida is a good guy but not someone who could understand her. It is unfortunate that many people in the Bungou Stray Dogs is not interest in rping with your oc but I do hope you have fun rping with other people including me. ^^
@somegremlin / @setsunanoai
Hey Stella! I love your Yumeno so much. He had suffer so much and deserve happiness and a normal life as a child not as a prisoner of the mafia (I mean he lives in a prison instead of a room) And you know he can finally get the life he want in our au! I just love Kunikida fatherly relationship towards Yumeno so much! He just wants to give Yumeno a better life and help guide him to be a better person too. Yumeno is finally happy with the agency. As for Atsushi and Kunikida, I would have never expect us to have the crack thread haha but this would be fun. Lets have fun watching Atsushi and Kunikida in silly hats catch the criminal! Ahh overall,I love our threads and thank you for rping with my Kunikida.
@a-hell-of-a-lot-of-muses
Hey Saki! I know I mostly rp with Nathaniel and Margaret and I enjoy the threads with you and them so much. The threads between Margaret and Kunikida are more light heart but still fun especially with them getting along and Kunikida being pleased that at least someone understands that one must have ideal requirements for a romantic partner (and then watch as Margaret becomes horrified if she ever saw Kunikida’s ideal requirements, hadn’t happen yet but lol you never know) And Nathaniel and Kunikida, our threads are more heavier and enjoyable as we explore their interactions. It is interesting to see Nathaniel being free from Fyodor’s brainwashing and deal with the aftermath of it and how he is slowly trying to regain his memory and along the way Kunikida is going to help him. :) It would so much fun to explore and I am excited for the potential relationship between the two.
@diverse-hearts
Hey Mira! I know you have so many muses haha but I rp with your Chuuya, Odasaku and Strelitzia and I enjoy our threads. I know you keep saying you are slow but I am so much slower than you. I mean you have so many muses and threads compare to me but seem to be faster than me haha. I know I am not as interactive as your other muns but I just want to let you know I still find our threads enjoyable. I am excited to see how Odasaku, Strelitzia and Chuuya interaction with Kunikida grow since all of our threads are still just establishing things between them. Thank you for rping with me!
@yokohamaweretiger / @mishmashofmuses / @thestraydcgs
Hey Hunter! It has been fun rping with your Atsushi, Karma, Ranpo, Dazai and Jelle. I know I am a usually quiet person but I enjoy our coversations as well as all the quotes and posts you send me on discord. ^^ I know we have a lot of threads as of right now and of course take your time with them but I am always excited when you reply whether it is for Atsushi with so many verses (vampire, royal, main), Ranpo with the carrot cake, Dazai and his teasing and Jelle with his crush on Kunikda and Kunikida’s confusing feelings haha. Cause we both know Jelle and Kunikida will end up together haha. But yeah thank you for rping with me. ^^
@nullcfied / @invcin / @distorticnist / @nythz
Your Dazai is amazing and I have enjoy rping with you. I had always want to explore more deeply the relationship between Dazai and Kunikida and it has been hard to do when most of my other threads are just fun threads where Dazai bothers Kunikida as always but I am glad I can explore that with you. I enjoy our threads even if none were finish haha and I am super slow but it is the development between the two in our threads is interesting. Maybe those two would develop into somthing more, we will see. And even if I never rp with Kunikid with your multimuse blog, I still enjoy our threads between Regulus with N and Alcor. Our threads between Kunikida and Mishima are also enjoyable and even though we hadn’t gone far yet with Nyth, I am sure it would be an enjoyable thread. So thank you for rping with me.
@odigcs / @tryferotis
Hey Juh! I know Kunikida and Eleni doesn’t have a lot of interactions yet but I am still happy that we rp together. I can’t wait until Kunikida finds out about Eleni’s powers, he is going to be so freak out haha. XD But thank you for rping with both of my muses and I always enjoy our coversations between us especially our current on where we talk about Eleni and Regulus’ views on heroes, evil, good and death and I think that is all it was one long conversation hahaha.
There are so many others too that I rped, seen on dashboard, haven’t rp yet (and would love to rp with you) or rarely interact. I still want to say thank you. Again, I am only going to include people had been active and not others who had been inactive since they had left already. Thank you for being amazing and following and rping with me and the fun times together:
@metuereofnoctis, @deviantsbliss, @art-of-playing-god, @madame-sand / @pxtrified-forest, @thekindchefofhoritsuba, @onceuponalosttime, @abyssalreded / @flutheld, @cybersnw, @merrywandering / @carnageblossomed / @vivificamortem / @prodigiousvisions, @runwith-thewind / @hopeful-hugz, @tigerscorn, @fiercegravity, @deinox, @fllawllessness, @bandagedbastard, @nylliver, @mockingfeathers, @blxnkbooks, @oxidizedream, @hexfaul, @bxstxrd-king @errantscriptor, @killmoral, @thehouseofthedead, @bornfromhcpe, @theholylight, @godshunned, @stray-doqs, @empyrrrean, @arcadiianliives, @acricaleo, @diivinidad, @bldscrm / @rshmn / @dcdbtc / @frthtntdsrrw / @lghtsnw, @foolslcve,  @schxchterndschlau / @kunstneugiier / @mafiasbesten / @mafiaelltern / @mondlichtannulliert / @eiingebiildet / @kopiertrxumend / @diiegruppe, @nolongerbeneaththemoonlight, @memoriiascriipta / @quxtcthcrxvcn, @straylcved, @strongestofhorns, @carmellian
I hope that is everyone. I am sorry if I miss some people. I want to thank everyone who support me.
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Sarazanmai 3 - 6 | Fruits Basket 2 - 7 | OPM 2 2 - 7 | BSD 3 3 - 6 | Demon Slayer 4 - 7 | Shield Hero 17 - 20
I’ll be rolling out the tags around about the time of this post.
Sarazanmai 3
Kisu = kissu (kiss). Update: Or kisu (on the right side of my equation). You do you, subbers.
Goma-ae.
Gomennassara! (Oh, I get it…!)
It never occurred to me that a “micanga” was a bead or small pierced round object of some sort. I thought it was a race track sort of thing, but for soccer. Update: It’s a bracelet/anklet thing.
Wait, so what brought on this change of heart from Kazuki??? Is it like the 1st episode, where it was a daydream that was cleverly presented as real? Update: Yep.
Oh…have you noticed all the victims of Reo and Mabu’s scheme are men of the NEET/freeter age, or approaching that?
Notably, the signature pose of the Sarazanmai seems to be similar to the one Kazuki and Enta did in the soccer team.
I find it interesting that Enta is now the initiator of the Sarazanmai and thus the one to steal the shirikodama. I mean, he used to be the one with the least stakes in the Dish of Hope scenario…and now look at him!
Ooh, Toi is sharpening his ruler! (Or whatever you do in Touken Ranbu with that lil’ beater of his.)
Oh wait, I forgot Ikuhara always has a last-minute twist! Go back, go back!
It seems like Haruka has some kind of illness…hmm. Update: Oh, it’s not an illness per se…spoke too soon.
Haruka’s talking about the Little Prince…hmm. Last time I really bothered to engage with that story in any form was Star Driver.
Fruits Basket 2
I don’t think I ever really chose a side on the Kyo vs Yuki debate, but I guess I always subtly sided with Yuki (even though the end pairing is Tohru and *bleep*). <- sorry, had to censor myself
“It’s important for me to get to school every day!”
Kabedon! Eeeeee! (LOL, I really am a squealy person at heart, aren’t I?)
The writing says “she misheard [what Yuki said] as ‘being sick’”, so it was quite lucky that the word “sickened” worked in context.
Yuki has some mad ninja skills…LOL.
Shigure in a suit looks goooooooooood, man (<- gender neutral use of “man”).
“…the days ahead will be fun.” – Oh, Tohru, you don’t know how wrong you are…(says someone who completed the manga)
Fruits Basket 3
I’m hearing the OP for the first time…and it sounds like an ED. (Probably because I read some impressions that said the same thing earlier today.)
“…included in the zodiac?”
Ooh! Momiji! Wait, er…I didn’t expect him to be so high-pitched…
Lookit the tiny cat icon on the side! It’s cute!!!
*yells* It’s Kagura!!!!!!!! She ain’t my favourite, but man, is it great to see another familiar face!
I’ve been wondering what the title meant when it said “what year is she?” It means “year of the zodiac”.
Fruits Basket 4
“Shii-chan”…?
Kyo-kun ran away before Kagura even started making dinner…
Was Kyo’s katsudon a joke…? (Cats-udon, geddit?...No?)
“…marriage is a girl’s greatest dream.” – That used to be so, Tohru…nowadays, it ain’t.
Lookit how Kyo’s eyes lit up when he talks about his teacher!
OPM 2 2
That title’s…even more counterintuitive than “OPM 2 1”…hmm.
It’s…kind of dark right now.
I think there was bourbon on the counter. Someone likes to drink around here…
I guess with the mass animation exodus, OPM seems kinda…monologue-y. And cheap…
…nope, I take back my words. They were merely saving up for this action scene.
BSD 28 (S3 Ep 3)
Seriously, what are those metal things Dazai was wearing? Anyways, I like how it’s absolutely the norm that Chuuya swears now and I was part of forming that. Because I don’t swear a lot, I think Chuuya makes a nice outlet for my own frustrations...that’s what could be said, anyway.
D’aww. Someone acknowledges Chuuya’s identity. Ain’t that grand? (Now you see why I like Chuuya more than Dazai these days, huh?)
Come to think of it…a person hasn’t died in this show for a while, have they? It just goes to show you that despite one of its major stars being a guy obsessed with shinjuu (double suicide), the creators seem to be emphasising the sanctity of life itself.
Oh, I never thought they had an explanation for Dazai’s coat…
What is the age difference between Chuuya and Dazai anyway??? They’re both 15 during the LN that’s called that, but the exact difference…what is it? Update: Dazai’s birthday is June 19th and Chuuya’s is April 29th, so the difference is 1 month and 21 days (using the idea that 7 days = a week and May is 30 days, that’s 51 days in all).
Ooh, we’re getting Fyodor, Ace and the unnamed kid soon, aren’t we? That also means we’re in unknown territory for myself, too…hmm.  
OPM 2 3
When did Saitama last meet Charanko anyway? Charanko is voiced by Toshiki Masuda, so I would’ve kept an eye out for him, but the art shift and the years between seasons mean I don’t remember anymore.
Oof, “justice crashed Mumen Rider’s head” is more like it.
CGI banana…Just saying “CGI banana” is funny.
Kimetsu no Yaiba 4
Headpats, headpats all around!
Hooo…boy. I already knew Sabito and Makomo were dead because Crow and Irina’s collab post was called “The Names of Dead Children”, but how it was delivered…was such a powerful move.
I saw the blonde boy who’s in the OP…hmm. Update: His name is Zenitsu, according to the next-ep preview.
OPM 2 4
When comparing this dissection of monsters against Mob Psycho…the biggest monster Mob has is himself…hmm.
I didn’t expect Saitama to actually enter under Charanko’s name with that wig he got…
“…name as a martial artist.”
Mojo for the dojo, it seems this man wants.
I think the centipede senpai is CGI. Hmm…
It’s been years…I’ve forgotten what Ponytail Head’s name is! (And I call OPM one of my favourite series in anime…!)
Sarazanmai 4
“Writers exist between life and death.” – …is Ikuhara expressing his own thoughts on how anime writers are treated…?
I anticipate a soba pun (soba = noodles and soba = beside [someone]).
“…gives a s***…” – Says you, Toi, with the “Golden Poop” in the background. Then again, that’s just an English pun. Don’t mind me.
Comic Sans…you can’t escape it, even in this day and age…
Yude = to boil, soba…is the noodles. (The “o” on the end of the Monster of the Week’s first name means “man”.) Ikuhara uses Monster of the Week names in service of symbolism, while Takamatsu uses inconsistency for the sake of humour.
Intetestingly, there’s a spiralling blue thing in the background of the dance number and it says “soba” (katakana) and “desire” (yokubou, in kanji).
The headline translates to “Tragedy! It was next to me, but then…” (Kigeki! Sakki made soba ni ita noni…) The subbers had to accommodate the soba pun though, so they went with “so bar away”.
Hmm…now Toi takes centre stage…
2007, huh? How old are Kazuki and co. again?
This is probably the least surprising secret of all, y’know. Also, I think Keppi and Kazuki have cucumbers in their mouths.
They have subs for Stand By Me now!!! Oh mai globbb!
W-Wuh?! I can see why he’d hate Haruka (feelings of “why don’t my parents look at me the way they look at him anymore?”), but…this really turns this entire story on its head!
Kimetsu no Yaiba 5
Interestingly, the “My” in the episode title is Onore (an “I” indicating professionalism).Come to think of it…what is Tanjiro’s pronoun of choice?
Aww…the fact Tanjiro kinda looks like the demon’s (previous body’s…?) bro made the scene kinda cute. Possibly, it could be even enough to drive someone to tears…not that I was driven to tears, of course.
Well, here’s Zenitsu.
This angry kid reminds me of Mike Teevee (from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory). He seems like a rival, but he’ll disappear soon enough. Also, LOL, a sparrow instead of a crow.
“…my whole body hurts.” – Welp, that’s what happens when you lose sleep fighting demons for 7 days straight…
Why the obvious names? (re: Haganezuka – that is, hagane means “steel”…also, Nichirin contains the character for “sun” (at least, I think so…?) and Yoko can be understood to be/homophonous to the word for “sunlight”)
Tanjiro, son of Tanjuro…LOL. That was probably deliberate – it means the first son follows in the father’s footsteps.
For some reason, I wanted Haganezuka to pop out of the comic for the next-ep preview…aww.
Shield Hero 17
How many times did Fitoria say “I’m going to kill the heroes” and Naofumi say variants of “no”? Because of that, I had half a mind to jump ship and head to RobiHachi instead…but keep going.
That cowlick stuff was probably the most fun I’ve had with this show in a while…heh.
Oh great…Naofumi expanded his pseudo-harem to two bird waifus…then again, I had a stupid grin on my face seeing Fitoria’s old master, so maybe it’s not all bad, y’know?
Post-credits scene…keep watching!
Wah-wait…what the heck was that explosion???!!!
BSD 29 (S3 Ep 4)
That’s…Topaz (unofficial name)…ohhhhhhhh dear…
Oooh, Katai! Katai! Yay!!! (As you can tell, I had a very small thing for Katai. He reminds me of En-chan, y’see.)
The CGI in this OP…you can tell there’s quite a bit of it, huh?
It’s Deadmau5 (as the fandom used to joke)!
Fyodor’s eyes of disgust as Topaz dries his hair…hmm.
Older Topaz looks surprisingly like Oda…I don’t remember that exact shot, but it might’ve been in the manga. His background also reminds me of Chuuya’s.
OPM 2 Ep 4 (OPM 18)
“Irksome insect”…says the giant insect.
I think I saw a 7-11 pastiche in the background.
Why does the bird have a human hand in his belly? What??? (LOL)
This tournament arc don’t feel so hype, now that MHA’s is over…
Someone likes Donkey Kong… (referring to Marshal Gorilla and the other Kong guy (Heavy Kong))
Sarazanmai 5
…oh wow. Y’mean Kazuki is adopted???
“Why don’t you say anything, even though you know about me now?” (from Toi) – Probably because Kazuki is as f***ed up as you are, if not worse.
What are those sparkles coming off Sara’s face…? Not sure if they’re a shoujo thing or just…gratuitous sparkles.
LOL, Nioino Fukuro. Basically “pouch of scent” when you insert a space between the second I and the second N and change the first name kanji, plus change the “no” to hiragana.
I know the title of the song is Kawausoiya (translates to “awful otters” or something like that), but “soiya” doesn’t make much sense on its lonesome.
Wait…does that mean Sara is the creature? Or there are two Saras that can look the same, but one looks like the human and one is more kappa-like???
For some reason, I’m getting changeling vibes here…that Kazuki wants to look different to the rest of his family because he knows he’s different.
Hey…there’s this thing called the tourist gaze. It argues that because people create notions of reality differently, people have different ideas of what makes a trip “good” and “authentic”. In the same sense, Haruka’s “false” connection with Kazuki!Sara has become his reality, so it’s not wrong to say this Sara is real for him.
Oh…I just realised some kanji that appar early in the OP are the kanji for “extraction”.
So, uh…in a sense…can I interpret Kazuki’s love for his real mother a Fruedian thing? It seems all men’s love can be interpreted to be Freudian in some way or another…also, Sara kind of looks like his mother in a very “surface” kind of way. That is, they have a very passing resemblance to each other. Update: I’ve been reading some Stephen King lately and if I took anything away from that experience, it would be that everything is Freudian when it comes to men’s experiences. That’s why I say that.
Kimetsu no Yaiba 6
…*remembers something from the collab that was along the lines of “Astral doesn’t like Tanjiro’s green jacket”* Astral’s not gonna like this, then. (For those who don’t know the context, “Astral” is AstralGemini of the Zodiac Room.)
*Tanjiro is told he might not go very far with his demon slaying* *Tanjiro reacts with happiness that he’s on his way to get Nezuko human again* - Uh…I know I’ve watched my share of shonen, but I kind of didn’t expect that and yet also did.
Ugh…it’s the return of CGI Tanjiro…the vegie patch looks good in CGI though, for some reason.
Lemme guess…with a title like that (Swordsman Accompanying a Demon), could it be that Kazumi is a demon???
“I don’t get it at all.” – LOL…that was unintentionally funny (for the second time in this show, the first being Hand Demon).
BSD 30 (S3 Ep 5)
Moby Dick crashing into Yokohama? It was literally years ago for us!
I’m pretty sure these Park guys didn’t exist in the manga. Update: Nope, they did. I’ve read the corresponding chapter, it’s just that that was also 2 years ago…just like the last we saw of the anime.
I love how the “gyaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” ended in blood splatter, literally.
The Park guys apparently come from ch. 44 but Katai comes from ch. forty…what? One? Two? It’s not 40 (Hitori Ayumu), that’s all I know.
Katai is a good boy. You’ll see why in…oh, a few seconds.
Oh, I love the ending of this story. I already know the ending, but seeing it again will be a whole new bag of laughs!
Uh…I forgot how much of an interruption the anime’s humour is. My dream of a “whole new bag of laughs” is at least half dashed…*shoulders slump*
Apparently Atsushi cut his hair himself…not sure if that’ll be a spoiler for later, but it’s still something cool to know.
“So it’s your letter?”
Katai is basically me when it comes to my husbandos. See why I love him???
Come to think of it…I haven’t properly listened to the ED yet! Better do that while I still have the chance.
Fruits Basket 5
Shigure is such a troll…just like I remember him.
Fruits Basket 6
Hatori! Ooh! He’s hottttttt! Sizzling!...Okay, I think you get my point already…
I think someone else (Amelia from A Girl and Her Anime…?) pointed this out…but I don’t understand a speck of German outside 1 – 10 (I remembered the German word for “six” way too well when I was younger). So it would help if they bothered to make the German English as well.
For some reason, the stick figure was both obviously a cost-cutting measure and also elevated the hilarity of that scene…!
I don’t quite know what the Japanese equivalent of the “macaroni and cheese” thing was, but it conveys the same idea in the two languages and makes people laugh along the way, so…*shrugs shoulders* Makes sense, I guess.
Tohru is kandou about meeting an author. Kandou means to be deeply moved (noun form).
LOL, Hanajima reading the book.
…Oh my goodness. I just realised Fruits Basket has a lot of characters with fringes. 90s fringes for everyone!
“…a cartoon about a cat and a rat that are always fighting…” - Come to think of it, Tom and Jerry is popular in Japan.
Shield Hero 18
I think this episode title ends in inbou, which means “intrigue”.
This show is clearly trying to play the same cards over and over again…
Shield Hero 19
Hypocrites! Hypocrites everywhere! *does Buzz Lightyear hand gesture from the meme*
OPM 19 (S2 Ep 6)
The reason the fat guy is called Dave is not just because of B/V confusion, but because debu (without the line in the middle) is a slang word for…wait for it…”fatty”.
Interestingly, Murata previously worked on a oneshot called Gokiburi Buster. I wonder if this Cockroach Boi is from there…?
Did you notice the guys behind the umpire, who had a stretcher at the ready…?
“Mr Saynuthin” seems to be “Nanmoien-san” in Japanese.
“Waganma” seems to be a play on wagamama, or selfish. However, I can’t pin down the pun in the father’s name...
Well, well, well…at least someone acknowledges Speed of Sound Sanic (the ninja, not the CGI abomination or the monkey) is hecka-speedy.
Charanko (the real one)…he has ashi no ura (the back of the foot) written on his bandages…LOL.
Sarazanmai 6
Apparently Kazuki’s (foster) family all wear the same kind of stripes…which is what Kazuki means when he doesn’t want to wear the same kind of clothes as his family.
Okay…so the first set of kanji that appear in the OP are the one for “desire” and the ones after that are “extraction”…geddit? (LOL)
Oh my glob…how in the name of Iyami does Osomatsu-san get so popular that after I watched the first season of that show, it starts appearing in other places as well????
I saw a translation of the Reo and Mabu tweets and apparently at least one of them can make ningyoyaki (a type of cake you can make in all sorts of shapes – scroll down a bit on that page and you’ll find the description of ningyoyaki there).
Uhh…ghh…Keppi pole dancing was disturbing…*soul floats out of body temporarily*
Reo (I think that’s Reo, at least) has ningyoyaki…Update: Yup, that’s Reo.
“Headdress”, huh?
Why does this episode 6 feel like ending material…?
Wait…you’re saying Reo and Mabu are princes of the otter kingdom??? Wuh???
BSD 31 (S3 Ep 6)
(Lucy blushes) Wow…now there’s an option for a het ship right there…not that anyone will take it.
I saw a GIF of Atsushi floating naked and face down in the water (because Irina), but…I forgot exactly how the scenario before it went, so I LOLled.
Oh yeah…this chapter had a tie-in with Mizuki Tsujimura, because Mizuki knew Kyoka’s mother. Also, it shows you can inherit Abilities…
It’s Truck-kun and the curse of the isekai!...Okay, I’m kidding.
Oh yeah…this is the chapter about the Headmaster…
I haven’t been in a good place mentally for the past few years or so, due to my world basically fragmenting around me, so the words “don’t hate yourself” are strong ones coming from a place both nostalgic and new.
Dazai inherits a particularly interesting space in Atsushi’s life. He’s like a brother and father wrapped up into one (Kunikida is the nagging mother in that analogy, LOL), but also obsessed with suicide to the point he can also be a liability.
“…didn’t tell anyone…”
It’s also interesting to compare Tohru (of Fruits Basket) and Atsushi. They’re both selfless, but Tohru’s selflessness is shown to be a double-edged sword while Atsushi’s gives him a lot of resentment but is overall a positive thing.
Aww…seeing Atsushi slowly tear up almost made me tear up too…
Fitzgerald Rising…that’s the name of the chapter where…oh, sorry. It’s been years, so I’ll let it all play out for you and me again without mentioning any spoilers until they happen in (close to) real time in the show, okay?
Fruits Basket 7
This is the first time there’s been English lyrics on the OP for this show…I think.
Who’s this “he” Tohru’s referring to when examining the woman’s picture? Akito, probably, but I’m not 100% sure…Update: It was Hatori, actually.
“Shii-san”, “Haa-san” etc. is…cute. *cue “O kawaii koto…” from Kaguya-sama*
I get the feeling that Shigure is almost like a prototype Dazai (Bungou Stray Dogs). Or they just have a lot in common.
“Are these my just desserts?”
Demon Slayer 7
Nezuko’s playing whack a mol-er, demon, isn’t she??? (LOL)
Whoa…it must be mighty freaky to be floating in a swamp of dead people’s possessions…
Welp, Tanjiro…that’s one way to say “hands off my sister”. *nods* By cutting the demon’s hands off…
I like the contrast between Tanjiro’s callused hands and Kazumi’s smooth ones.
Hey…why does food always get wasted in movies and other media…? I know I’m applying real-life consumption habits to media, but it always looks quite wasteful, y’know…?
OPM 20 (S2 Ep 7)
I never noticed that shot of Watchdog Man in the OP before…huh.
Pig God’s shirt says DEV. It’s a pun on debu (fatty)…again.
Ooh! I saw him in the OP! Flashy Flash! I’ve never seen him in action outside the OP before, but I know his name and appearance from reading around.
“You all are the strongest swordsmen we have.”
Seriously, Saitama, just get something to stick the wig on and you wouldn’t have gotten into this mess. Maybe superglue…(okay, I’m kidding about the superglue).
OPM got really childish this time… 
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orbitalflyby · 6 years
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bound/unbound
Sooo today I noticed that in the DA character design sheets 16yo!Chuuya doesn't have the buckle on his choker, and I also noticed that it's @fy-soukoku's birthday, and I must have tripped and fallen on my keyboard or something. Oops?
650 words ish, pre-canon/post Dark Era, sfw
Chuuya finds the package outside his door the morning of the day he turns, for argument's sake, nineteen. He doesn't know if he's ever had a real birthday; when he'd learned that they were important, he'd picked what he thought was the date he'd left that place. Opened his eyes on the outside world for the first time. That was what a birthday should be, right?
He almost steps on the little box that sits on his doormat. Chuuya's instantly suspicious, because he hasn't got this far by being a dumbass, but the building is owned by the mafia via a complicated chain of front companies. It's not impossible that someone could have got in, but who'd go to the effort? It's too small to be a bomb, anyway, so he squats down, using his Ability to pick it up and examine it. It's just a box, glossy white card with an old-fashioned bamboo pattern embossed into the surface, and an ugly teal ribbon holding it closed. Square and flat, it would barely fit a CD.
Nothing clicks, rattles, or beeps when he flips it over a couple of times. Shrugging, Chuuya pulls the ribbon loose, levering the lid up gingerly. There's no explosion, no hiss of poison or gas, no noxious stench, and all that's revealed is white tissue paper. When he pokes it aside, a coil of leather nestles innocently within, a black snake with a metal buckle for a head.
Chuuya picks it up and the leather drapes over his palm, soft as a second skin. He touches his throat with his fingertips, the worn surface of the choker he's been wearing for so long it's starting to crack. It's one of the first things he'd ever bought for himself, after he'd seen a band poster in the window of a store. He'd liked how it looked; he still does. Ane-san had offered to replace it for him but he'd refused.
He knows better than to think this is from her. Chuuya presses the gunmetal buckle between gloved fingers, gritting his teeth. Birthday or no birthday, and despite the discreet logo of an upscale Tokyo fashion boutique printed on the inside of the box, there's only one asshole who'd ever dare to buy him a fucking collar.
There's no note. Chuuya can picture the gleeful smirk on Dazai's face. Of course the bandaged bastard wouldn't have had the decency to die like the traitor he is. When he catches him, Chuuya's going to stuff his damn 'gift' down his throat.
Although. He rubs at his old choker, wincing at the creak of the leather. He really does need a new one, and if Chuuya knows Dazai – which he unfortunately does – he won't have delivered his taunt in person. The shitty mackerel probably isn't even in Yokohama; it's not even been a year, and he's still a highly wanted missing person.
"Fuck," Chuuya says conversationally, squeezing the choker. Collar. Whatever, it doesn't even squeak, it's clearly high quality. Probably expensive as hell. For a guy who dresses like Tutankhamun's salaryman uncle, Dazai inexplicably manages to pick out good stuff. Slowly, glancing warily up and down the hallway, Chuuya unfastens the choker he'd put on less than an hour ago. When he wraps the new one around his throat to replace it, it warms immediately against his skin, and he buckles it closed with fingers that aren't shaking at all.
"Fuck," Chuuya whispers again, hand going to his hat to jam it more firmly down on his head. The ring around his neck is so light and smooth it's barely noticeable, but he feels its weight like a brand, like the shivering heat of a breath against his nape. When he glances into the mirror in the entryway of his apartment, he's entirely unsurprised to find he was right: it really does look awesome. He's going to fucking kill that bastard someday, Chuuya vows again. Dazai'd better not even think about dying before he catches up to him.
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mom-kunikida · 6 years
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Tagged by: @fy-soukoku and @aja154ever (I love you and both of you are amazing people)
Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 20 people! Why tagging I’m bad at this
Nicknames: Caro, Mom (thank you Sin!)
Gender: Female
Star Sign: Libra
Height: Two whole centimeters taller than Chuuya and I’m super proud of that
Time: 19:24
Birthday: 10-18
Favorite Bands: 5 Seconds of Summer, 30 Seconds To Mars (it’s a “Seconds” thing, yes), GRANRODEO and Luck Life
Favorite Solo Artists: I listen to a little bit of everything and I don’t like solo artists too much but catch me listening to Ed Sheeran any day
Song that is stuck in your head: The Japanese version of Haru Haru by BIGBANG it has been three days please help me
Last Movie: Howl’s Moving Castle
Last TV Show: I forgot the last time I watched TV :’)
Why I Created This Blog: I was super curious about this site that none of my friends knew so I came here and had a really boring time until I learned that “serious” usernames aren’t welcome 
What Do You Post/Reblog: Whatever is taking over my life at the moment, but mostly BSD... and otomes, I think?
Last Thing You Googled: proposiciones en español (I had a Grammar exam today, okay?)
Other Blogs: I barely can manage this one what do you want from me
Why the URL?: I’m the designated Mom Friend (as every person that has become relatively close to me has said at some point) and by the time when I wanted to change my username my friends were calling me “Mom Kunikida” because they said that he reminds them of me so here we are
I Follow: 109
Followers: More than I deserve XD
Lucky Numbers: 8 and 18
Instruments: I love music but music doesn’t love me 
What Are You Wearing: My pijama and my highschool jacket
Dream Job: Writer
Last Book You Read: Without the texts I had to study and the ones I didn’t finished... The Great Gatsby by Francis Scott Fitzgerald OH MY LORD IT HAS BEEN AGES
Top 3 Universes: I never thought about this but I’d say Avatar, Shadowhunters and A Song of Ice and Fire (though that one it’s kinda fucked up because you could die at any moment buT HEY IT HAS DRAGONS)
I Tag: I said I’m super shy to bad at this, but I love these games
Reason Behind the Tags: ? I’ll tag someday
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chaaazuke · 6 years
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tag game
Tagged by: @shortboychuuya thanks for tagging me! and sorry for taking forever
Rules: Answer 30 questions and tag 20 people!
Nicknames: jay bird, jar, jupiter
Gender: female
Star Sign: taurus
Height: 5'5" ( or 165.1 cm, aka 5.1 cm taller than chuuya. its important. )
Time: 2:18am
Birthday: april 26th
Favorite Bands: granrodeo, luck life, (does icona pop count if theyre a duo?)
Favorite Solo Artists: honestly cant think of any right this second, i listen to musicals nd stuff mostly
Song that is stuck in your head: ok its terrible but yknow that one star wars bad lip reading thing w the seagulls ?? people were playing it today and Ugh
Last Movie: not sure tbh
Last TV Show: that 70s show
Why I Created This Blog: idk ?? i had terrible reader insert blogs first so eventually made a main/personal
What Do You Post/Reblog: bsd (a lot of skk nd chuu), but sometimes knb, kh, and nanbaka
Last Thing You Googled: what its like to be a hermit bc read my last post and uh. i didnt rlly know
Other Blogs: i have a reader insert blog that i wont reveal (and am in the process of shutting down) and a kh sideblog i made like yesterday that is empty as of now and i may or may not end up ever actually doing stuff with, but its @skysugarr (i sorta havent had much interest in kh in quite a while tbh, so it might just stay an empty blog forever)
Why the URL?: because atsushi likes chazuke but both one a and 2 were taken so. 3. my ao3 has 2 i wish they could match
I Follow: 95
Followers: let me just say very, very few.
Lucky Numbers: 13
Instruments: i played the ukulele for like 2 weeks in 4th grade does that count
What Are You Wearing: oversized t-shirt nd shorts, im laying in bed
Dream Job: writer. thats a dream tho lmao
Last Book You Read: dragonwatch
Top 3 Universes: bungou stray dogs, boku no hero academia, fablehaven. i think.
I Tag: whoever wants to can do it! just steal it from me ok
If I Choose You, It’s Because: cant think of anyone to tag who i havent already seen do this so thats why
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aja154ever · 7 years
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GRANRODEO LIVE TOUR 2017 Pierrot Dancin’ Zepp DiverCity Tokyo - 06/09/2017
Set List
Pierrot Dancin’
TRASH CANDY
ナミダバナ
Glorious days
FAT SHAPER
君に one way love
日常ホライゾン
Fake lover’s true heart
HARD DRIVING MIDNIGHT
ボルケーノ
The Other Self
終わらぬ夢
BIG SUN
Darlin’
NO PLACE LIKE A STAGE
カナリヤ
modern strange cowboy
UNDER THE SKY
Once & Forever
Y.W.F.
Can Do
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The fan report I thought I couldn’t write - because it was so hard to put these feelings into words. But still wrote anyway, for recording purposes. As in my previous GR report (March mini live), this may not be arranged in order. And warning: a very Kiiyan-centric post.
I’m relatively new to the GR fandom, though I met Kiiyan from UtaPri and has been a fan of his singing voice from the first time I heard it. This is actually my first time to attend a GR full live so yeah feelings, feelings, and feelings. This is my 4th time to watch and hear Kiiyan sing live though, and among those, his voice was in the best condition this time.
I was already expecting Pierrot Dancin’ to be the first song plus it’s no longer my first time to hear it live anyway, but no, I was not prepared at all for Kiiyan’s voice. The acapella intro was SO devastatingly good that my heart jumped out of my chest. I wasn’t able to yell cheers and get pumped up with everyone because I stood there as if I was struck by a lightning lol. It.was.that.good. But later on as the song progressed and the music joined Kiiyan, I think the performance was a bit off - except for today’s intro, it was better the last time I heard it.
But aside from Pierrot Dancin’, I think everything else was good.
TRASH CANDY - Oh this song will always be special to me as this was the first GR song I heard live, thanks to the Bungou Stray Dogs event. And I LOVE BSD, and Kiiyan reminds me so much of Chuuya that I can see Chuuya singing this song. I love them both so so much T.T
The stretch (idk what to call it) for the last word in ナミダバナ (知れ-Shire) was magnificently done receiving cheers from the crowd.
Everyone, including the crowd, did better in FAT SHAPER and Fake lover’s true heart today than the first time. Oh both songs was a blast!
Really good vocals for HARD DRIVING MIDNIGHT OMG
The Other Self - another GR song close to my heart. 
Nanno tame ni ganbaru no mada mienai kedo Sore demo yukundarou Sore dake wa shitteiru Chii ya meiyo dake nanka janai ze Mukau saki wa mae dake de ii Shita wo muitatte jimen shika mienai Dakara ikeru toko made
(“For what purpose are we doing our best? We cannot see it yet. But even so, we will still go on, right? That’s the only thing we know. This isn’t just for status nor prestige. Where we should face is only towards what’s in front of us. If we look down, there’s nothing to see but the ground. So we should go wherever we can”)
This lyrics strikes me personally that I actually quoted it in a speech contest I joined back at school. And hearing it live straight from Kiiyan for the first time, so you expect tears from me. Yes, Kiiyan, no matter how harsh life is, I’ll do my best. Thank you.
終わらぬ夢 - THIS. THIS. THIS. This is one of my personal favorites in the latest album and have been wishing badly to hear this live. So when I learned that Kiiyan sang this in the Hokkaido tour, I said I’m gonna die when this moment comes. Now what. I just can’t describe. It was astoundingly beautiful. Kiiyan how could you sound just the same or even better live? I apologize to the people beside me but I did my best to control my overwhelming emotions. I cried more when Kiiyan sang the line, “dakara nakanaide” lol
Glorious Days and BIG SUN sound so good live! I REALLY loved the live version more than the CD. Kiiyan forgot some lyrics in BIG SUN’s chorus though. He just sang “tenenenen.” LOL KIIYAN PLEASE
Darlin’ - NO PLACE LIKE A STAGE - カナリヤ - modern strange cowboy - This was a very exhaustingly fun line-up. Crowd participation at its best. But can I just say that I love Darlin’ so much yayyyy
UNDER THE SKY - THIS. THIS. You know Kiiyan’s voice is always beautiful but slow songs like this really kill me. Again he sang this REALLY well. Oh please I’m running out of adjectives. I badly wanted to shout “I love you too” after he said the last line, “I love you.”
Once & Forever - Y.W.F. - Encore. Everyone was already so wild at this point. Can this not end please. I just want to jump and bang my head all night.
Can Do - Ending the night with this made me reflect as this is where everything for me began. I met GRANRODEO from Kuroko no Basuke, and so basically Can Do is the first GR song I learned. It will forever hold a special place in my heart. This was the last song so I just went all out yelling, jumping, singing, dancing, everything.
MC points
It’s been 3 weeks since the Hokkaido live, which was the first leg of the tour. And so they said it felt like the first day again. e-zuka said that he was nervous and joked the crowd not to look at him as he wants to focus.
e-zuka teased Kiiyan about crying in the Utapri Live. Introducing the next song, Kiiyan suddenly spoke in a cool voice that caught e-zuka’s attention. He said, “I thought you already left that good voice and the tears in Seibu Dome.” Kiiyan got embarrassed and replied that what was circulating on the internet about him was a lie (just like what he said in his tweet lol). He told us to watch the Blu-ray when it arrives, and see that he had that scene cut out! Oh tsun-tsun Kiiyan kawaii
They talked about the fact that drummer Shin has not revealed his age yet to the public, but they do know it. e-zuka hints that Shin actually came from school with a ランドセル on his back. (You know the big backpack that Japanese grade school kids use). Kiiyan laughs saying, “That’d make him Shin-chan!”
Kiiyan talked about the rainy season and the coming of summer. e-zuka then sang and played Happy birthday with his guitar. (Kiiyan’s birthday’s coming up yay!) Speaking of birthdays, they asked if anyone in the crowd was celebrating her birthday today, and there were actually some. They greeted them and thanked that they were able to come even if it’s their birthday. Incidentally, there was also a couple who was celebrating their wedding anniversary. Kiiyan also mentioned that today also happened to be Johnny Depp’s birthday. e-zuka then thanked everyone and introduced himself as Johnny Depp.
They mentioned that there are still a few tickets left for the additional Osaka tour in August. They said that they also mentioned this in the Hokkaido tour, so why are there still tickets left even after 3 weeks?? Lol I always find it cute when Kiiyan awkwardly self-promotes. Kiiyan said that on the contrary, it was apparently difficult to get tickets for the “Yama no Hi (lit. Mountain Day)” live, and he wondered why. Lol. It just happened to fall on “Taniyama no Hi (Taniyama’s Day”) and I’m so bitter I’m one of those who has not gotten one tho I got Aug 10 but still huhu
Kiiyan’s MC was interrupted at some point when sweat kept on flowing into his eyes. He then wiped his face with a towel. I just want to mention this because it was cute lol
When they announced that G7 will be held in Okinawa, Takita-san asked if he will be coming along too. Kiiyan said of course because he and e-zuka can’t do it by themselves. Takita-san said that he has actually not been to Okinawa which gained an “EEEEEHHHHHH?” from the crowd. Takita-san asked why they are making such EH reaction, “Is it that bad (that I haven’t gone to Okinawa)??”
When Kiiyan announced that there’s only one song left, he received a sad “EEEEHHH” from the crowd. Kiiyan grunted, “Why are you looking so dissatisfied? I just said that I’ll still be singing!” Lol Kiiyan we’re so satisfied but we just did not want this to end
Kiiyan said that it was so fun that they do not want the live to end. The crowd suggested to start over again. e-zuka enthusiastically responded, “Let’s do this again together!” as he pointed out that live performances are done by them and the audience together.
Photos/posts from official accounts:
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(This was posted on the 2nd day but I just want to post this photo that had me laughing on the floor Kiiyan please why)
Wew. Wew. I don’t know how many times I’ve said this but still, I’m saying this again - that Kiiyan’s singing voice is the most beautiful sound I have ever heard. While listening there live, my thoughts were like, “Everyone should listen to this! It’s too unfortunate that some people do not know about Kiiyan.” No single word exists or not even an essay can suffice to describe Kiiyan’s voice. But even so, as a fan I admit that Kiiyan’s singing is actually far from perfect. I mean voice quality and singing ability are two different things. Moreover, I actually had hesitations before as it seemed that Kiiyan sounds better in CD than in live. But no, I have really affirmed today that he can sound pretty much the same whether recorded or live. Or that he can actually sound better in live. Damn I heard him sing 21 songs this time okay. Sure there were glitches at some parts of the song, but I want it raw and I’m embracing all his imperfections. I was torn between keeping my eyes open to watch him or closing my eyes so I can listen to his voice more intently. I really love watching Kiiyan as I can feel his love for music, singing, and performing. Because that’s one of the most valuable things, right? That the performer himself is having fun with what he’s doing.
It was a very, very fun and gratifying night; but more importantly it was a night full of admiration and gratitude. And I thank God again for bringing Kiiyan and GRANRODEO into my life. See you next live! ❤
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nkhrchuwuya · 2 years
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Ah! Congratulations for the 500 followers! It has been a while since i last came back here, i even forgot my emojis i used here...or who i call myself here. I also wanted to join the event but omg i dunno if i can send it before the deadline I came back too late. Also Happy (belated) Birthday to our beloved Chuuya~♡
~An emotional anon
hey emotional anon! thank you so much for your greeting, and yeah it's been a while!! i hope you're doing alright and welcome back around!
there's still time, about 25 hours from when this ask gets posted, i hope you get to send in something because i'd love to write for you of course!
also if i remember right the emojis were 🥺🎲!!
transparency post: 28 in the box! 2 coming out by 12! i was going to write more today but we're goin beaching 😎 see ya tomorrow guys!
(pretending i didnt click post now instead of scheduling)
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