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loliwrites · 2 years

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I just read your fic about Alex and Addi almost breaking up and I am wondering if Alex has ever thought about breaking up with Addi.

How dare you 😭 Here's the thing -- I never wanted to think about this, but the moment I read your request, I immediately thought of the scenario in which this happens.

Very early on in their relationship (pre-fucking), despite the closeness they achieved as friends, Addi's got some pretty sturdy walls built around her heart. They had been constructed in childhood, fortified in adolescence, and defended in adulthood. And raised in the era of daughters always being good, little girls, and denying the messages from their own bodies about comfort and safety, she had adapted to fix herself for the situation. If she was uncomfortable, it wasn't that there was a problem; she was the problem. Instead of fixing the atmosphere around her, she learned to fix herself.

So by the time she's an adult with autonomy over her own being, her experience was such that she only relies on herself and bottles emotions up until her brain has had time to step in and turn those feelings into a more palatable, logical response. It's hard to get to the root of issues and problems if you're factoring out your feelings and emotions, because on a certain level you're negating the fact that you had those feelings.

Addi thinks it's normal to batten down the hatches and clam up when something's wrong. She waits for her body to push aside any lingering bits of an emotional response, and then sets forth her brain to fix herself to accommodate the situation. And generally, she'll get there in a day or two and move on with life. But Alex is Mr. Lets Talk This Out. Alex wants to have a conversation about everything, in the moment as it's happening, and Addi can't do that. That's not a skill she's acquired. She wants to process things before she talks about them -- if she ever talks about them at all. She wants an analytical conversation, Alex wants an emotional one.

Surely this difference in communication causes ripples. Perhaps this is something Alex knew about Addi before they began dating. But as they weren't each other's partner and weren't seeing each other all day everyday, being in each other's space constantly, it wasn't something he thought too much about. It wasn't something to irk him, it was just different methods of handling emotions and problems.

But between her shutting down every time they have a poor emotional response to something, and the lack of physical intimacy happening at this point in their relationship, it's all starting to wear thin for Alex. Maybe he'd even been feeling this way for awhile but never said anything because he didn't want her to think he was only here for the sex. That she wasn't worth his time if she wasn't going to give him sex. And that's obviously not the case but he couldn't deny that with that part of the relationship on ice, he felt that there were things that had been lacking.

All of that was emphasized by her constant focus on finishing her film. They'd been through a hellish post schedule, and every waking moment of her life had become putting out fires that were arising from that. Alex couldn't even remember the last time they had a conversation that wasn't centered around work. For Addi's part, she knows things have shifted for them. Their conversations are a little more sporadic. She can feel the awkwardness every time they're in a room together. She's spent the past few days trying to figure things out and fix herself to make things fine again. But in doing so, she's shut down almost entirely.

They'd had an argument that morning. Something stupid. Addi had forgotten about a load of laundry in the washing machine and it sat in there overnight, so by the time Alex went to do a load in the morning, everything smelt like mildew. He had to empty the washer, clean and sanitize it, then do her load of laundry again before he'd get to do his. They'd already had this conversation before, that she'd need to set alarms so she wouldn't forget about the laundry. So his tone when they have this argument is a little more combative than it should've been which just puts Addi on the defensive. She splits off and secludes herself so she can process everything, and Alex goes off into his office to do some work.

But it's nagging on him. He needs to get things off his chest, they need to talk about what's going on and where it's going. If they're going to get off this ride, they should get off of it sooner rather than later. And that's the energy he goes in with. She'd finally gotten around to the end of her process when Alex leaves his office and all but ambushes her in the bedroom.

"Slugger, this isn't working for me." It's matter-of-fact and the first thing Addi thinks is, now I have to go process an entirely new issue.

"I can't do this. Not this way. Where we argue and it's like I'm talking to a brick wall because you just sit there, staring at me." He paused and threw his hands onto his waist. "Like that! You have nothing to say?"

"I'm processing,"

"Don't process! For shit-sake, just talk. There's no time to process 'cause I can't keep doing this. We don't talk anymore. Kissing has gone out the window. Sex was never even in the window." He paused again, thinking that'd spur her into speaking, but he realized she's resigned to silence. "Don't you get it, kid? I'm one foot out the door,"

Her eyes widened like the severity of the situation is sinking in. To make everything worse, they're in the bedroom. The very room where apparently most of their issues are arising. "Then go,"

Maybe she didn't mean that. He truly wanted to believe she didn't. "Beg me to stay. Give me a reason to stay,"

But that's another thing about Addi -- she was never going to beg someone to stay in her life. She isn't going to tether herself to someone if they don't want to be there. But this wasn't just anyone. This was Alexander.

"So what? We fuck to fix a problem?! I'm not going to sleep with you to convince you to stay!"

Alex expression softened just slightly. Finally. The thing he'd been waiting for -- an emotional response.

"I process! It's what you do when you've spent your entire life being made to feel guilty for having emotions. I'm trying to process what I'm feeling instead of suppressing everything and people-pleasing the shit out of the situation." She took a deep breath. "I'm hurt that you would even bring up our not having sex in this context. And I'm pissed that you would use it against me. I'll sleep with someone when I'm convinced he's capable of handling all of the hesitancy and vulnerabilities I have with it. I'm fucked up, Alex. Okay? Is that what you wanted?" She choked back a sob and scrunched her eyebrows together to fight the tears she felt stinging her eyes. "I'm a wreck who won't have sex with you right now because I'm so fucked up in here," she smacked her hand against her head. It was like the impact knocked the first few tears loose. "But I'm trying, okay? I'm trying. Don't give up on me,"

Alex closed the gap between them. Three enormous steps and he crowded her space, cupped his hands over her cheeks with his fingertips pressing into the back of her neck, and hauled her into him for a kiss. His eyebrows knit together like he was trying to pack every last ounce of emotion into the kiss. Only when her tear trailed far enough down her face that he tasted the saltiness in their kiss, did he back up from her.

She lifted her hands to his wrists and clutched onto him like she was pleading him not to go any further. "Don't give up on me,"

He wiped his thumbs over her cheeks to gently swipe her tears away and shook his head. "I won't,"

"Even when I'm difficult," she sniffled. "Or when I quiet down to process a conversation," she inhaled a deep breath to calm her fluttering heart. "Or when I leave clothes in the washer overnight,"

He grinned softly, "that's number one what we gotta work on. It's bad for the machine. And for your clothes. You'll never totally wash that mildew smell out unless you--"

Addi stood up on her tiptoes and pressed her lips to his, silencing him. He smiled against her and moved his hands away, switching to wrapping his arms around her. He pulled her body in as close to his as he could. They both knew that they'd soon have to sit down and have a long conversation about where things were going and what they could do to support each other. It would always have to be something they worked on. But for now they were content to order in some food, throw a movie on, and relax in the new step of their intimacy together.

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