Tumgir
#pre-transition
patroklos-mlm 9 months ago
Text
maybe this is a little mean but I feel kind of exasperated by the afab people on tiktok who go 'yeah I don't like being a girl and being a guy would make me so happy but I would HATE to be trans and be an UGLY SMELLY BOY I look so much better as a GIRL and transitioning is SO GROSS' like seriously?? you know there are trans guys who have to read your dumb shit in the comments right?? it's really hurtful when you insinuate that trans guys aren't attractive esp if you're attracted to guys like god, fuck you. it's OK to be confused but stop being fucking transphobic at the same time. you don't have to post every internalised transphobic thought you have on the Internet. shut the fuck up and work on yourself. it's OK if you're not trans or you wouldn't mind being perceived as the other gender but don't want to transition or if indeed you Are trans and just need to work on self acceptance a little more. stop perpetuating this idea that trans guys are gross. do better.
2K notes View notes
wibbsluver 2 days ago
Text
馃拰 therapy updates !! 馃拰
amazing news everyone! so for some background information; i have been seeing a general therapist for a couple of months now. we鈥檝e had over 10+ sessions and i decided to finally bring up my gender dysphoria struggles.
we went over a lot of things! it was like a roadmap to the future for my transition. it was definitely difficult to open up about, and of course i could not fit everything in under an hour.
she told me the next step was for me to see a psychotherapist who actually specialized in adolescents with gender dysphoria / euphoria. the next session in two weeks will be a follow up with my mother on who to consult and what the meeting will look like, ect.
i am genuinely happy sobbing while writing this.
THINGS ARE LOOKING GOOD FOR ME :>
2 notes View notes
persbaderse 26 days ago
Photo
Tumblr media
4 notes View notes
tealslimes a year ago
Text
I鈥檝e been batting these certain thoughts around in my mind for quiet some time now. They are about selfies, more specifically how many of them I took in my youth and uploaded onto the internet. I was young, impulsive, and unaware and unwilling to come to terms with my identity. Taking selfies and posting them was something that so many people did on the sites I was using. I was completely unaware of the the impact it would have on our culture in the present. Or more importantly for the sake of this post, me. At the time I didn鈥檛 see the harm in posting the amount that I did. To be more precise, the way I was presenting in those pictures. I presented as female which now I鈥檝e accepted and know to not be true for me. The issue wasn鈥檛 inherently in presenting female or that there鈥檚 anything wrong with it in the first place for people that do. It鈥檚 that I don鈥檛 feel the way about myself and I don鈥檛 feel like these pictures accurately represents me.
Why does it matter though if these are pictures I took as a teen and now I鈥檓 in my late 20鈥瞫. I never thought to take majority of them down after I stopped using websites or at the very least placing the accounts on private. I was naive in thinking I鈥檇 know when it was time for me to stop and delete everything. Instead of what I actually did which was just never logging back on again. The accounts I do remember I鈥檓 now doing some damage control. Even though I鈥檓 deleting what I can or putting accounts on private now due to current circumstances. The internet can still find a way of keeping these things forever.
Part of me now has this fear that if one day I become successful in life, my past will come back to haunt me. I can鈥檛 let that become the barrier that prevents me from going through with actions of fear of someone digging something up or recognizing me. For the first time in my life I feel like there鈥檚 a chance of not only a future, but a bright one for me!
What I want to say is that if you are also a trans adult that grew up online in the early 00鈥瞫 and are in a similar situation to me. If the past comes back swinging, swing back and don鈥檛 take shit. That includes your own thoughts or fears of that said past and what you did and didn鈥檛 do because you didn鈥檛 quiet know who you were yet.
This is also a reminder that there are other people like you out there that maybe posted one too may selfies of pre-transition. If you鈥檇 like to stealth or would like less info out there about your transition that still doesn鈥檛 mean it can鈥檛 happen. Or that you can鈥檛 still live a happy life if people know either or you should let it stop you.
Also kids if I can give any advice it鈥檚 to please be very careful what you post online and where even if it鈥檚 mindful of all the 鈥渙nline rules鈥 and not a bad picture of you. Ask yourself 鈥淚s this something I want that could be potentially out on the internet for the rest of my life?鈥 This also doesn鈥檛 mean you shouldn鈥檛 post pictures either, again just be mindful of what you post even if it鈥檚 something that might not seem like a big deal in the now.
43 notes View notes
thetransgenderbride a year ago
Photo
Tumblr media Tumblr media
This bride in an informal wedding dress is a pre-transition Rachel Sue.
37 notes View notes
stephaniesvintagetgirls a year ago
Photo
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
These pictures of a pre-transition Rachel Sue were taken in 1995.
11 notes View notes
artsybi a year ago
Text
i stg if i hear my dead name one more time today i鈥檓 gonna start crying
2 notes View notes
downwiththebad a year ago
Text
Just heard how my voice sounds to others and apparently what I heard as me speaking in a low tenor range was really more like mid soprano.
So.
I'm just gunna go nonverbal again, cause hearing that voice makes me suicidal all over again.
6 notes View notes
simping-for-heroes a year ago
Text
Day 2
woke up today and my upper arms hurt so bad, literally extending my arms so they were straight pained me. dysphoria decided today was its day because my shirt made my arms look like twigs something I really don鈥檛 like. but I looked in the mirror and felt like masc for once so that鈥檚 chill, lowkey had my hair up like aizawa聽
workout today was calisthenics so there was a lot. not much weightlifting, mostly body weight, but doing a hundred pushups is a lot.聽
4 notes View notes
gaspingforthedevil a year ago
Text
the聽hairclip
some people make art of their dnd character 鈥 i make a 7.4k word fic from their backstory apparently
鈥撯撯
鈥淵our dirt-eating da isn鈥檛 going to save you this time, Darragh 脫 Broin.鈥
I push back into the crevice as Shay continues to growl threats while prowling the dock just above my hiding spot. A loose strand of hair falls over my face, tickling my nose, and I can pounding in my chest and ears. Nothing for it but to grit my teeth and hold my breath, wishing my heart would slow down. Seconds crawl by, the thudding of boots against wooden boards 鈥 back and forth.
鈥淚 don鈥檛 think he鈥檚 here, Shay.鈥 One of Shay鈥檚 friends. Which one was it? Caolan? No鈥 Rian?
鈥淲here else would he have gone, genius?鈥
Twisting my fingers in a circle I mouth the words Da鈥檚 been trying to teach me for a month now. The hairs on the back of my neck stand up as something starts to build, like the whole world is leaning in, listening. I whisper something into my cupped hand and then gesture up and to my left, towards where I heard Rian. The feeling of the universe listening fades away.
鈥id I do it right?
鈥淲hat the鈥 Eugh, what鈥檚 that smell, I鈥檓 gonna puke鈥!鈥
There鈥檚 a flurry of activity above me, someone shouts 鈥淲here?鈥 Another yells 鈥淒arragh!鈥 I have to clap my hand over my mouth to keep from laughing, this is too great. It worked! It really worked! Shay and his goon squad have no idea what they鈥檙e in for.
There鈥檚 a splash of water, and then Caolan is staring straight at me, black hair running wild over his shoulders. Guess that ponytail of his came undone in the chase through Market.
鈥淚s he down there?鈥 Shay calls.
I wince and stare Caolan down, daring him to say something. Bunching my hands into fists. Can Shay swim? Maybe I can lose them in the water this time.
Caolan stares back at me. Some unreadable expression on his face and then he turns away, looking back up at the top of the wharf. 鈥淭here鈥檚 nothing, Shay. Come on, let鈥檚 give it a rest already.鈥
Huh. You鈥檙e alright, Caolan. I guess.
For a crony.
鈥淚t was a FROG, Caolan!鈥
鈥淚 know.鈥
鈥淚n my hair!鈥
鈥淚 know.鈥
鈥淭hat鈥檚 the fifth time this week!鈥
鈥淵ou did give them a black eye after the last one.鈥
鈥淵eah, and now the little tick is gonna get a matching pair鈥︹
There鈥檚 a moment of silence as Caolan climbs back up onto the wharf, and then Shay stamps his foot down hard enough to make the wood shake and scatter dust and gods know what else onto me. 鈥淚 know you鈥檙e here somewhere Darragh, you little rat! When I find you, you鈥檙e dead! You hear me? Dead!鈥
Rian and Caolan murmur agreement and the three storm off.
Hahaha! Suckers.
I don鈥檛 let go of my breath until I鈥檓 sure they鈥檙e gone. Wading through the water, I step out from under the wharf and squint my eyes against the sunlight. Adrenaline is still pounding in my ears as I pull myself up out of the shallows. It鈥檚 all I can do not to whoop. No sense spoiling the narrow escape.
Brushing the dirt and the dust off my tunic, I run a hand through my hair. Give it a good tossle to make sure I shake loose any hidden spiders. My pants and boots are soaked, but it鈥檚 a small price to pay to have to take a minute and sit on the edge of the wharf. I pull my boots loose, one at a time and shake out the water.
Looks like the sun hasn鈥檛 kissed the ocean yet, still plenty of time left to go take care of the shopping Da asked me to do. Shay probably went sulking home, I won鈥檛 need to worry about him again today.
I finish relacing and get to my feet, stretch my arms over my head. Open water spans in front of me to the horizon, blue-green shimmering under the sunlight.
This particular dock doesn鈥檛 go very far out, mostly for mooring fishing currachs overnight. The rest of the harbor proper is further west, behind the stick of land jutting into the ocean to my left, where the bay runs deep enough to handle proper sailing ships.
From behind the tired pile of housing I can just make out the masts of a ship that pulled into dock this morning. A barc? Something like it maybe. I鈥檇 been planning to go poke around but then when the opportunity to mess with Shay had presented itself... and well, who am I to deny Providence her chance?
Maybe if I hurried, I could still get a good look and do Da鈥檚 shopping?
In the books, they talk about towns where everything is built in stone, temples of marble, where buildings stretch into the sky, fantastic combinations of labor and magic united. Places where you could walk for hours and still be surrounded by people.
Oile谩n is鈥 not that.
Oile谩n, is the singular town on the island with which it shares its name. The name literally just means 鈥業sland.鈥 If you really want to get fancy, call it 鈥楢n Oile谩n鈥 for 鈥楾he Island.鈥
Oile谩ners are a creative bunch.
Where most buildings are jumbles of wood, held together with iron imported from the mainland if you can afford it. Hemp rope, beeswax, and prayer if you can鈥檛. Some of the big buildings, like the gods temple and the meeting hall get a little help with a blessing from my Da before a big storm hits, but that鈥檚 about it.
Even though I鈥檝e lived here my whole life, I still have to navigate town by dead reckoning. Every back alley has its own name and asking three people for a street will get you five answers. So it鈥檚 something of a personal best that it only takes me ten minutes to find my way back to Market.
The one central fixture to the Market is this crumbling fountain with a statue of a mermaid posing, her bare chest thrust out in the direction of the harbor. Or well, everyone assumes it was a fountain at some point. Not even my Da鈥檚 ever seen it work, and he鈥檚 like, forever years old.
Maybe half the stalls are empty now, as I stroll through, looking for someone still selling groceries. A few people are selling pots, clothes, odds and ends鈥 But no vegetables. Uh 鈥 maybe I shouldn鈥檛 have spent the whole day screwing with Shay.
But I mean鈥 just look at the lug. The son of the town guard captain? Thinks he鈥檚 king of the hill? Sometimes a face just needs punching 鈥 or dropping a frog on where punching isn鈥檛 possible.
Old lady Aiof茅 waves at me from her stall, almost lost in the cascading series of quilted blankets. 鈥淒arragh 脫 Broin! Gods with you this afternoon!鈥
I wave back, 鈥淎nd with you, Miss Nualli谩in.鈥
Flashing a few teeth short of a mischievous grin, she beckons me over. 鈥淐ausing trouble again?鈥
I grin brightly back at her, putting on my best picture of innocence as I make my way over. 鈥淲hy I haven鈥檛 the slightest idea what you mean, Miss Nualli谩in.鈥
Aiof茅 purses her lips as she leans back on her chair. 鈥淧ull the other one, Darragh, it鈥檚 got bells on.鈥
I laugh at that, covering my mouth. 鈥淚t鈥檚 just Dara, Miss Nualli谩in.鈥 I correct her, using the feminine construction for my name.
She raises an eyebrow at me, then tilts her head and shrugs with her hands on her lap before continuing. 鈥淚 saw you and those boys running up and down here. You already forget what happened last time?鈥
I brush my hair out of the way and touch the skin just below my left eye. 鈥淣o, ma鈥檃m.鈥
鈥淲hat are your fathers going to say?鈥
I cross my arms, cheating away back towards the fountain. Aiof茅 can be funny 鈥 sometimes 鈥 but wasting what鈥檚 left of the day with a lecture from the cat lady is the last thing I need right now. 鈥淚s anyone still selling groceries, Miss Naulli谩in? Broin wanted me to pick up some stuff.鈥
Aiof茅 sighs and clicks her tongue, shaking her head at me. 鈥淚 think Oran hasn鈥檛 left yet, but I wouldn鈥檛 expect much. Should have鈥撯
鈥淵eah, yeah,鈥 I hold up a hand to cut her off and start walking hurriedly towards the far corner where Oran keeps his stall, 鈥淭hanks Miss Naulli谩in!鈥
鈥淵ou behave yourself!鈥
鈥淎lways!鈥
Sure enough, Oran has a few things left, and I pick up a few stalks of celery, some carrots, and a head of cabbage, only slightly wilted. Why do we even need to buy food? Broin could just magic it out of the ground if he really wanted, right?
鈥淗ey, Oran鈥?鈥 I click my tongue and tap my boot, waiting for the old man to wake up. 鈥淗ow much is this cabbage?鈥
鈥淲ha鈥搘hassat?鈥 Oran gives a start, rocking back in his chair and pulling the hat up from covering his face. As soon as he settles on me his eyes narrow. 鈥淥h鈥 it鈥檚 Broin鈥檚 kid. Whaddya want?鈥
鈥淭he cabbage?鈥 I heft it up for inspection, pulling the hair out of my face with the other hand. 鈥淚t鈥檚 starting to wilt so I was鈥撯
鈥淐opper off.鈥
鈥淏ut it鈥檚鈥撯
鈥淣o lower.鈥 He squints at me. Is he still holding that winter solstice fiasco against me? I was 12, give me a break.
Whatever 鈥 This should be fine right? Fiach always boils everything to death anyway. I pay Oran his money and load everything into a bag, his eyes boring into me the whole time.
As much as I want to check out the boat, It鈥檚 already been hours and I鈥檓 on thin ice with my parents as it is. Home then, is on the far side of town from the harbor. Not even 鈥榠n town鈥 really, if you think about it. My one Da, Broin is the island鈥檚 druid. Way he tells it, he used to live in a literal treehouse before marrying Fiach and agreeing to stay closer to town.
Kind of feels like I got cheated.
Living in a treehouse would have been so cool.
I push the door open with one hand while the other holds the canvas bag secure over my shoulder. 鈥淒a, other Da! I got the goods.鈥
Fiach is already stirring something into a stew pot by the fireplace as I walk in. A huge smile on his face as he looks up. 鈥淗iyo kiddo, what took so long? Sail to Anbelas and back for that?鈥 Swear to the gods young and old, if I ever eat stew again once I travel the world, it鈥檒l be too soon.
I make a show of hefting the bag onto the dinner table, as if it鈥檚 way heavier than it actually is. 鈥淗ow鈥檇 you know? Had to run three blockades and bribe a dragon to look the other way.鈥
鈥淎 dragon huh?鈥 A clipped voice rolls out from around the doorway to Broin鈥檚 study. 鈥淭he bribe wouldn鈥檛 have happened to be toads again, would it?鈥 Broin walks into the room, one hand holding his head as if he鈥檚 suffering from a migraine. Exhausted blue eyes bore into me from under graying hair.
How old do elves have to get before their hair turns grey? I鈥檝e never actually asked how old Broin is 鈥 I鈥檓 not sure he鈥檇 tell me.
I don鈥檛 let myself stop smiling, 鈥淎 frog, actually.鈥
鈥淒ara鈥撯
鈥淗e started it!鈥
Broin looks towards Fiach, fishing for help. Fiach rests the ladle against the rim of the stew pot before stepping towards me, 鈥淒ara, did you get hurt鈥撯
鈥淣ah, I鈥檓 fine.鈥 I duck my head down and focus on setting out everything I鈥檇 bought on the table. 鈥淭hey gave up before they could do anything this time.鈥
Broin mutters something under his breath in a jumble of Elvish and Druidic that I can鈥檛 make out but I鈥檓 pretty sure is some sort of curse. 鈥淵ou need to stop antagonizing that Shay boy. I have a hard enough time dealing with his mother as it is.鈥
I huff, blowing the hair out of my face and crossing my arms as I finish laying everything out. 鈥淗e鈥檚 a bully! He deserves it. Someone needed to take him down a peg.鈥
鈥淎nd did the frogs deserve it?鈥
鈥淯h鈥撯 I hesitate, withering under Broin鈥檚 stare. The disappointment is plain on his face.
鈥淵ou can鈥檛 just scoop some innocent amphibian out of their home and induct them into your campaign of terror, Dara. I know you know better than that.鈥
鈥淭hey鈥檙e frogs!鈥 I stammer, 鈥淲ho doesn鈥檛 love frogs? How was I supposed to鈥撯
鈥淭his is the fourth day in the row, did you really think you could spin that web in my ear?鈥
I don鈥檛 have a response for that one. I look at Fiach, hoping he鈥檒l take my side here, but he just shakes his head.
鈥淚f you are going to be a druid,鈥 Broin presses, 鈥渋t鈥檚 about time you start treating life with respect. That means all of it. From the frogs to the toads.鈥
鈥淚f I鈥檓鈥?鈥 I bristle, balling my fists and stepping back. 鈥淚 didn鈥檛 ask to be your apprentice! You just decided one day!鈥
鈥淒arragh,鈥 Broin narrows his eyes as he stares up at me. When did I get to be taller than him? 鈥淒on鈥檛 change the subject鈥撯
鈥淒on鈥檛 you change the subject!鈥 I throw back at him. 鈥淵ou think just because you took me in, you get to decide everything for me?鈥
鈥淒ara鈥撯 Fiach tries to get a word in edgewise, but I don鈥檛 give him the chance to continue.
鈥淚 don鈥檛 need you, and I don鈥檛 need your dumb lessons.鈥 I almost want to say something like 鈥榶ou aren鈥檛 my real parents anyway鈥 but I don鈥檛. Neither one of them stops me when I make for the door.
Back outside I take off down the path inland and into the forest. Can鈥檛 risk running into Shay and his goons again, not after all that. Besides, I know somewhere better then any cruddy place in town anyway.
It鈥檚 getting dark, but despite what people like Shay or his mother think, there鈥檚 nothing on this island to be scared of 鈥 even deep in the wood. Fiach says in the old days a pack of dire wolves used to live out of the series caves on the far side of the forest, but they鈥檙e all dead now.
Broin insists there鈥檚 worse things than wolves to run into out in the wood, but then Broin says a lot of things.
I鈥檝e never so much as felt anything strange.
It鈥檚 not quite dark enough to warrant a torch but I scoop a good-sized tree branch from the ground to use as one later. It鈥檚 an hour鈥檚 hike from our house to my destination, and I鈥檒l want it sooner or later. If I can get the spell Da taught me to make it smell like rotten eggs, a little fire once I need it should be easy, right?
By the time I get to my destination the shadows are stretching from the trees full across the clearing. It was a little unsettling the first time I came here, but now it feels comfortable. Almost like coming home, but better.
I鈥檓 sure it had a proper name at one point, but all anyone calls it now is 鈥楾he Spring,鈥 and it鈥檚 the one place on the whole island you are absolutely under no circumstances allowed to go. The trees give away to this clearing where the land dips into a small pond with no visible source. Unlike some of the other ponds and lakes on the island, the water never gets coated with algae or other plants. The north bank at the far end dips into a stream that winds its way through the wood until it meets the sea opposite from town.
Everyone has a story about 鈥楾he Spring:鈥 Someone鈥檚 cousin鈥檚 brother dove in to find the bottom and never came back up; an aunt鈥檚 grandmother鈥檚 brother once found a full picnic laid out by the shoreline, helped themselves to a pear, and started aging in reverse.
Fiach likes to tell a story about how he got lost in the woods one day, found the Spring, and was whisked away to another land by a dashing elven man. (Broin always rolls his eyes at that one.)
Broin says there鈥檚 a reason everyone has stories about the Spring. That it鈥檚 some kind of weak point in the material plane. According to him, the reason there鈥檚 no source for the Spring is because the water is leaking in from the Feywilds, the supposed 鈥榬ealm of the Fey.鈥 And under no circumstances am I to ever 鈥 ever set foot near it.
So of course, I鈥檝e made it my official home base away from home.
In the dusk light, the water has a deep blue hue, reeds gently swaying in the push and pull of the water at the banks. The buzz of insects is broken by the occasional 鈥榩lop鈥 of a hungry fish breaking the surface to snatch an incautious dinner.
A jumble of boulders sticks out from the shoreline, perfect seating for me to scoop some pebbles from the lakebed and go stone skipping as the sun finishes setting.
With a flick of my wrist, I send a pebble skipping across the surface of the water, once, twice, three times before it sinks.
I tried to catch something here once 鈥 make my own dinner and all, but uh, the fish having an extra pair of eyes gave me pause. I let it go and I haven鈥檛 tried again since. A lot of the plants in the water seem different too, but I鈥檓 not sure. I鈥檇 have to ask Broin and that鈥檇 mean admitting I鈥檇 been hanging out here.
I don鈥檛 need Broin, or his lessons. Wasting weeks listening to him drone on and on and about the 鈥榙eep meaning鈥 behind random objects or weird hand gestures. Or learning the basics of Druidic 鈥 it was already hard enough to keep Elvish straight in my head. I鈥檇 rather be practicing my Common, like what the traders who sail in sometimes speak, or learning some kind of skill that could get me on a boat out of here. And who ever heard of a sailing Druid?
I toss another rock into the lake and it sinks immediately, no skips.
Well, okay, Da is literally the only Druid I鈥檝e ever met, but that鈥檚 not the point here. When he said he was going to teach me about being a druid I didn鈥檛 think it鈥檇 be so boring.
I reach back to grab the branch I鈥檇 set aside earlier 鈥 it鈥檚 certainly getting dark enough now. As I twist the air with my fingers and mutter the words again, it feels like the buzz of everything around me muffles itself, that sensation again of the world being called to pay attention 鈥 listening in.
I flick my finger against the tip of the branch and a red spark jumps the gap, coaxing a flame to life. Weak, maybe a little unsure of itself, but persisting. The buzz of insects fades back in, the world gives me space again.
Okay.
I have to admit.
It is pretty cool to be able to do that.
鈥溾揻riendly, aren鈥檛 they?鈥
I shake my head and try to refocus on the woman standing next to me on the harbor dock. She鈥檚 tall, or maybe it just feels like she鈥檚 tall? Long tresses in unnaturally bright orange and yellow streaks. Tainted glasses obscure her eyes, giving her a serious look. Hard to read. Whenever she speaks there鈥檚 a hint of something off. We鈥檙e watching porters unload boxes from the ship in the water. The ship is larger than any I鈥檝e ever seen in port, and yet looking at it now 鈥 it doesn鈥檛 seem all there.
I look back to the woman standing next to me. 鈥淪orry, c茅ard a d煤irt t煤?鈥 I stutter, slipping back into Oile谩n as I try to get the words out.
鈥淪till, it doesn鈥檛 matter where you are, I suppose,鈥 The woman continues on in Common, as if she hadn鈥檛 heard me. 鈥淢oney talks.鈥 She turns her head to smile at me, pointed teeth exposed. 鈥淢oney, and a little local support.鈥
鈥淚t鈥檚 a good goal,鈥 I mumble and look away. I feel guilty somehow, like I鈥檝e done something wrong but I can鈥檛 remember what. In the water someone like me but different stares back up. Wrinkles around the eyes and mouth. The same white hair, but shabbier and shorter. Unkempt clothes, covered by a traveling cloak patched up several times over.
She frowns at me from the water and then it鈥檚 my own reflection, hair running over my shoulders, a clean tunic and breeches. I take a step back, 鈥淒id you see that鈥撯 I turn to look at my companion but I鈥檓 standing alone at the edge of the cliffs along the southwest end of the island.
No one is with me and just as it settles into my bones that no one will be ever again, the tip of a sail pokes over the horizon. I curse under my breath, I need to warn them.
I stutter awake, knocking the makeshift torch loose from where I鈥檇 jammed it upright.
The branch falls into the water and I鈥檓 swallowed by total darkness. Gods, had I fallen asleep? I swing my hand out blindly into the dark, groping the air, then the rock I鈥檇 sprawled out on. Should count myself lucky I didn鈥檛 fall in.
If my Das had been pissed at me running out before, they were going to be livid at me staying out like this.
Carefully, I shuffle my way back to shore and lay back to watch the night sky as I wait for my eyes to fully adjust to the dark. Nothing but stars framed by a ring of trees in shadow, the chirp of insects. In the distance a frog croaks, a few seconds later I can hear an owl hoot further off. Under it all is the trickle of water out of the Spring and down the stream.
How can anyone be afraid of a place like this? It feels so peaceful.
Realer than real.
What had been with that dream? I鈥檝e napped here all the time before, but something about that dream鈥 Most of it was already slipping away from me, even as I tried to focus on it. A jumble of images; a boat, a woman鈥檚 reflection in the water, sails on the horizon.
I push myself up and start feeling out with my feet for a replacement torch.
Whatever, it鈥檚 just dreams, they don鈥檛 mean anything.
I am, like any proper seventeen-year-old, an expert at sneaking back into their own home.
But of course it helps to have a man on the inside. Fiach always leaves the backdoor open a smidge whenever I鈥檓 out. Sliding back in and sneaking into my room unnoticed is simple enough from there.
Yeah, there鈥檚 going to be hell to pay tomorrow, but that鈥檚 going to have to be future Dara鈥檚 problem. Better them than me.
Whispering from my parent鈥檚 bedroom stops me in my tracks as I try to slide past. Did they hear me? There鈥檚 a pause in the conversation, like they鈥檙e listening for me too. I hold my breath, press against the wall. Finally the whispering continues and I think I hear my name.
Talking about me?
What are the odds I can listen in without being caught?
鈥淎re all human children like this?鈥
鈥淲ell, not all, but yeah, pretty much.鈥
鈥淚 just didn鈥檛 expect it to go so fast.鈥
鈥淚 think everyone says that.鈥
鈥淭hat doesn鈥檛 exactly make me feel better, Fiach. Did we 鈥 did I mess up somewhere? Why did I think I could鈥撯
鈥淗ey, hey鈥撯 Silence. Almost long enough for me to start thinking and then; 鈥淲e always knew this was going to be difficult. And... they鈥檙e right, you know, you didn鈥檛 exactly give Dara a choice.鈥
鈥淲e talked it over, didn鈥檛 we? You agreed it made sense.鈥
鈥淚鈥檓 just saying, try to look at it from their perspective. They鈥檙e still figuring out who they even are.鈥
鈥淭hey鈥檙e human, they don鈥檛 have time to鈥撯
鈥淚 know honey, I鈥檓 human too, remember? Trust me on this one, okay? Not everything needs to be rushed.鈥
What are they talking about? I鈥檓 鈥榙ifficult鈥? Why? Because I won鈥檛 let them walk all over me? But then 鈥 I鈥檓 not sure I鈥檝e ever heard Broin sound that鈥 uncertain? Vulnerable? I didn鈥檛 think the old man had it in him.
I decide not to push my luck any further tonight.
鈥淎nd where were you last night, Darragh?鈥
I slump into the chair, avoiding Fiach鈥檚 eyes. 鈥淥ut.鈥 He never uses my given name unless he鈥檚 mad. He knows how much I hate it.
鈥淥ut where?鈥
Broin sniffs, frowning as he puts a plate of scrambled eggs in front of me. 鈥淥ut in the woods.鈥
鈥淪afer than town!鈥 I shoot back.
Broin doesn鈥檛 let up, 鈥淎nd who鈥檚 fault is that?鈥
Fiach takes the seat across from me, a sad expression on his face. I seem to be getting that one a lot lately. 鈥淏roin and I talked it over, and we think you should apologize to Shay. Bury this whole squabble already.鈥
I choke on the egg in my mouth, 鈥淲鈥搘hat!? I鈥檓 not apologizing to鈥 Shay said he鈥檒l kill me!鈥 I point at the bruise still heavy on my left eye. 鈥淩emember this!?鈥
鈥淚鈥檒l talk to his mom after the town meeting this afternoon.鈥 Broin stares me down. 鈥淪tay away from him until then.鈥
I stare at my plate. I can鈥檛 believe this. Apologize? To that pig鈥檚 backside of a lugnut?
Fiach clears his throat, 鈥淭here鈥檚 something else we talked about too,鈥 He looks meaningfully at Broin.
The two of them exchange looks, Fiach raising his eyebrows higher while Broin scowls back. Finally, defeated, he sighs and turns back to me, crossing his arms. 鈥淚 owe you an apology, Dara.鈥
I blink. 鈥淲hat?鈥
鈥淣ot many people have an aptitude for druidcraft.鈥 Broin looks about the room, wherever he can avoid looking at me. Wow, he鈥檚 worse at apologies then I am. 鈥淲hen you showed interest, I鈥︹ He gestures with a hand, 鈥淚 got excited. I guess. Ahead of myself. It鈥檚 been too long since鈥撯 He cuts himself off with a shake of his head. 鈥淟ook, if you really don鈥檛 want to be my apprentice, I鈥檓 not going to make you, Dara. Magic won鈥檛 live in an unwilling heart.鈥
Fiach clears his throat again.
Broin frowns, finally looks at me. 鈥淚鈥檓 sorry for pushing you into it, Dara.鈥
I look between the two of them, discomfort creeping up in the back of my head. This is new. 鈥淥h. Um.鈥 I avoid meeting Broin鈥檚 furrowed gaze. 鈥...thanks? I鈥檒l, uh, I鈥檒l think about it.鈥
Broin sits down between Fiach and I, 鈥淭hat鈥檚 all I ask.鈥
They don鈥檛 give me any chores after breakfast, and when Broin leaves to talk to some farmers up the north end of the island, he doesn鈥檛 tell me to come with him. Neither does Fiach when he leaves for his carpentry shop in town.
Feels weird 鈥 I鈥檓 free to do whatever I want, so why does it feel like I鈥檓 being punished? They didn鈥檛 even try to tell me to 鈥榮tay in the house鈥 or anything.
I mill about the house for a while doing chores anyway; clean up the kitchen, wash out the stew pot 鈥 maybe I could get a job as a ship鈥檚 cook. Travel the world that way.
Sometimes travellers that pass through town talk about where they鈥檝e been if you get them drunk enough. Places where wheat is like the sea, stretching from one horizon to the other, rustling in the wind like waves. Or mountains that make Maeve鈥檚 Cap look like a hill鈥 sheer rock thrusting into the sky higher than you could ever climb.
I鈥檝e been everywhere you can be on Oile谩n; just once it鈥檇 be cool to see somewhere new.
Somewhere where no one鈥檚 ever met me before.
Oh 鈥 right! I lean the broom back against the wall, glancing towards the door. That ship that came in yesterday. Would it still be there? I never had the chance to get a good look at it. Why was I wasting time here?
鈥撯撯
I swing my legs, hitting the back of my heels against the wooden box as I stare at the ship in harbor.
It鈥檚 big.
Bigger than any barc I've seen 鈥 didn鈥檛 think ships got better than that.
Surprising that they were able to maneuver into port 鈥 it even seems to be sitting higher in the water than it has any right to, which is weird. Shouldn鈥檛 it tip over, out at sea? A prickling feeling runs up my back, like I鈥檝e seen it somewhere before but I push the thought out of my head. How could I have ever seen a magic boat before?
What kind of person with a magic boat bothers visiting an out-of-the-way nowhere-ville like Oile谩n?
I can barely make out a few deckhands milling around onboard. They all look bored. Waiting for something? Broin did say he had a meeting this morning. Maybe the town council was meeting with whomever owned this thing.
I bet if I kept quiet I could鈥
A hand grabs the back of my tunic and the world tilts upwards as I鈥檓 sharply dragged backwards off my box and I hit the ground. A burst of stars in my vision as my head hits stone.
鈥淣o frogs for me today, Darragh?鈥
Shay鈥檚 ugly mug swims into vision above me.
I grin up at him and blow the hair out of my face. 鈥淪orry Shay, Da said giving you frogs was cruelty to animals.鈥
Shay scowls and a sharp pain blossoms in my ribs. I roll away before he can kick me again, holding one hand to my side and gritting my teeth. Shay cracks his knuckles as he lets me get my feet. 鈥淵ou done, dirt eater?鈥
鈥淲here鈥檚 the goon squad, Shay? They finally ditch you?鈥
鈥淚 don鈥檛 need them just to teach you a lesson, Darragh, so man up. You鈥檝e had this coming for a long time.鈥
鈥淚鈥檝e 鈥榟ad this coming?鈥欌 I laugh, 鈥淚t was some frogs, Shay, lighten up.鈥 No Rian or Caolon today? Not that Shay needs them 鈥 the only ways out of this alley are past him or past the boxes and into the water.
鈥淒on鈥檛 play dumb with me!鈥
I tap the side of my chin, grinning. Try to ignore the pain radiating from my ribs. 鈥淲ell, I鈥檇 play smart, but then you wouldn鈥檛 be able to keep up.鈥
I manage to duck away from the first punch but the second gets me across the jaw and I hit the side of the building to my left. Okay, maybe I went too far that time.
鈥淲hat is your deal Darragh?鈥 He grabs the front of my tunic and pulls me forward until he鈥檚 glaring straight at me. 鈥淒on鈥檛 you ever act like you鈥檙e better than me.鈥 He lets go and I鈥檓 shoved back against the boxes. Shay spits on the ground in front of me before turning around and stomping away. There鈥檚 an aura of supreme smugness radiating from every pore of his over-inflated ego.
I grit my teeth, sucking in my breath. Do I still have to apologize to this jerk? I twist the air between my fingers and I can feel the world listen in as I mutter an incantation before gesturing to Shay鈥檚 retreating form.
There鈥檚 the sound of a dozen frogs croaking and Shay jumps a solid foot into the air.
Oh, I shouldn鈥檛 have done that 鈥 it hurts to laugh right now.
Shay鈥檚 furious visage wheels on me, face burning red. I can鈥檛 stop my smile at the sight of it. 鈥淚s this how you get all your dates Shay?鈥 I keep grinning, heart pounding in my chest as I steal a glance around. 鈥淣o wonder Aisling told you to suck mud.鈥
Shay narrows his eyes at me. 鈥淭he only 鈥榙ate鈥 you鈥檙e getting from me, is between my fists and your face.鈥
鈥淒id you spend all night thinking that one up, or did your mom have to workshop it with you first?鈥 I can鈥檛 help myself. 鈥淥h, sorry Shay, I forgot, your ma鈥檚 too busy with more important things than you.鈥
I barely see the fist before I鈥檓 back on the ground, pain radiating around my right eye, head swimming. I press a palm to my eye as I twist to the side, face throbbing.
Shay looms over me, kicking me hard in the ribs again 鈥 I curl up, trying to protect my center. 鈥淭hat鈥檚 real rich coming from you Darragh.鈥 He huffs, waits until I鈥檓 glaring back up at him. 鈥淵our own mother left you to die in the woods 鈥 no one actually wants you around, you white-haired freak.鈥
For once in my life, I keep my mouth shut.
鈥淣othing else to say, dirt-eater? No other funny jokes you wanna lay on me?鈥 He prods his foot against my back. 鈥淚 didn鈥檛 think so.鈥
This time, when Shay leaves, I don鈥檛 get up until I can鈥檛 hear his footsteps. I rub the back of my wrist against my mouth and come away with a smear of blood. Oh, that鈥檚 good. That鈥檒l be fun to explain to Broin and Fiach.
Fiach first, I guess. He always keeps a first aid kit handy in his workshop. Think I might need one.
鈥撯撯
鈥淲hat on earth happened to you?鈥
鈥淲ould you believe Shay started it?鈥 I don鈥檛 meet Fiach鈥檚 eyes as he rubs something into the skin around my eye.
鈥淣o.鈥 He puts the bottle in his hand down on the counter and crosses his arms at me. 鈥淎bsolutely not.鈥 Fiach鈥檚 workshop always smells like wood and metal.
鈥淏ut he did!鈥 I protest, 鈥淚 was just minding my own business, and then here comes Shay! All, 鈥業鈥檓 better than you and my farts don鈥檛 stink, but oh, I鈥檓 scared of frogs, respect me!鈥欌
鈥淒ara.鈥 Fiach鈥檚 voice is stern. 鈥淵ou didn鈥檛 do anything to antagonize him?鈥 He raises an eyebrow at me.
I wilt. 鈥淲ell, okay, maybe I did a spell to make a bunch of frog croaks.鈥
鈥淒ara.鈥
鈥淎nd maybe I said something.鈥
鈥淒ara鈥︹
鈥淗e thinks he鈥檚 better than me! Just because he has a birth parent or 鈥 or whatever.鈥 I flail at the ceiling with my hands, sending a small puff of sawdust off the counter top. 鈥淚 just鈥 he makes me so mad!鈥
鈥淒ara, you know we鈥撯
鈥淚 know, I know you love me now. I just鈥︹ I run my hands through my hair, pulling it around my fingers in loops. One day I鈥檓 leaving this whole dumb place behind鈥
Fiach clicks his tongue. 鈥淭his isn鈥檛 just about that, is it?鈥
I don鈥檛 look at him. 鈥淲hat are you talking about?鈥
Fiach stays quiet, trying to wait me out. When I don鈥檛 bite, he shakes his head and moves on. 鈥淥ile谩n is too small to spend your whole life feuding with someone. We鈥檙e all in this together鈥撯
鈥淥h, don鈥檛 start the whole 鈥榠nterconnected web鈥 stuff on me too鈥︹ I groan, pulling my hair around and around between my fingers.
鈥淚t鈥檚 true. And the sooner you figure that out, Dara, the better off you鈥檒l be. Don鈥檛 let him get to you. Broin鈥檚 going to talk to his mom today鈥撯
I can鈥檛 believe this. 鈥淵ou still want me to apologize to him!?鈥
鈥淚 want the two of you to bury the hatchet on this whole episode and move on. I鈥檓 not expecting you to be best friends.鈥 Fiach sighs, 鈥淗ow鈥檚 your chest feeling? Those bandages helping any?鈥
I press a hand against my ribs, a spark of pain dances up my side. 鈥淪till sore.鈥
鈥淏roin will have to look at it then.鈥 He shakes his head at me. 鈥淲hat are we going to do with you, Dara?鈥
鈥淕et Da to kick Shay鈥檚 ass?鈥 I offer, hopeful.
Fiach gives me a tired expression. 鈥淎nd that鈥檚 exactly why you aren鈥檛 telling Broin what happened until everyone鈥檚 home tonight and I can talk sense into him.鈥
鈥淏ut鈥撯
鈥淣o buts.鈥
I groan and tilt my head up to glare at the ceiling. 鈥淚鈥檓鈥 sorry, about last night, yeah?鈥
鈥淚 appreciate that, but I think it鈥檚 Broin that needs to hear it.鈥
I make a face at him and get to my feet. A hand on my arm stops me before I can reach the door.
鈥淎nd where do you think you鈥檙e going?鈥
I pull my arm out of Fiach鈥檚 grasp, flinching as another spark of pain shoots up my side. 鈥淚 wanted to look at that boat in the harbor.鈥
鈥淥h. That.鈥 Fiach sighs as he steps back, letting me go.
鈥淚t鈥檚 just a boat.鈥 When he doesn鈥檛 respond right away, I add. 鈥淚鈥檒l behave. Promise.鈥
鈥淔ine, but stay on your best behavior.鈥 He scowls at the expression on my face. 鈥淚鈥檓 serious 鈥 Just, wait a second before you go running out the door? Okay?鈥
I tap a finger to my chin as Fiach turns away to go behind the counter, digging around for something. 鈥淚 thought we decided my birthday was going to be on the harvest festival this year?鈥
鈥淣ot that,鈥 Fiach calls back, lost behind the counter. I hear something heavy sliding around. 鈥淚 kept waiting for a day where you behaved to give this to you, but I鈥檓 beginning to think that day鈥檒l never come.鈥
I huff and cross my arms. For the last time, Shay started it.
鈥淎h, here we go.鈥 Fiach鈥檚 head pops back up from behind the counter. 鈥淪orry, had to hide it to make sure you wouldn鈥檛 find me out early.鈥
鈥淢e, snoop around?鈥 I grin sweetly at my Da. 鈥淣ever.鈥
鈥淢hm.鈥 Fiach raises an eyebrow at me. 鈥淛ust come here, Dara.鈥
I meet him halfway across the workshop. What on earth does Fiach have in his hand there? Usually Da鈥檚 gifts are of the more perishable kind.
He opens up his hand and holds it up for inspection. Whatever it is, it looks like it鈥檚 made out of tortoise shell. Some kind of hair clip? I look back at Fiach and he smiles at me. 鈥淵our hair is getting kind of long these days, isn鈥檛 it?鈥
I make a face. 鈥淚 guess.鈥 If this is just another tactic to guilt me into 鈥榩ersonal hygiene鈥 I swear to鈥
鈥淣i Nualli谩in had a bunch of these for sale a couple weeks back, thought you might want one.鈥 He reaches out to touch my hair and I stand there, awkward as anything, as he brushes my hair back and out of my face before sliding the clip into place. 鈥淭here we are, is that any better?鈥
Anywhere in the workshop is more interesting a direction to be looking at than my Da鈥檚 face right now. 鈥淚鈥 guess鈥?鈥 I make to brush my hair out of my face only to have my hand hang awkwardly in the air. 鈥...thanks.鈥
鈥淲e can pick up more later, if that works for you.鈥 Fiach looks at me, as if expecting me to say something more. When I don鈥檛 he just smiles and steps back. 鈥淪tay out of trouble, Dara.鈥
Spell broken, I turn away and make for the exit, raising a hand as I leave. 鈥淎lways do!鈥
鈥淚鈥檓 serious!鈥 he calls from behind me. 鈥淎nd stay away from Shay!"
I leave Fiach鈥檚 workshop behind and pick my way through the maze of streets back to the harbor.
There鈥檚 a strange, light feeling in my chest 鈥 I can鈥檛 stop fiddling with the hair clip. Making sure it鈥檚 real. I swear Fiach was looking at me like we had shared some secret or 鈥 or knew something I didn鈥檛 maybe? Ugh 鈥 It鈥檚 just a hair clip, Dara, don鈥檛 go overboard about it.
I shove it out of my mind as the streets gave way to the harbor. The strange magic boat is still sitting exactly where I left it.
Well, 鈥業鈥 didn鈥檛 leave it there, but that鈥檚 not the point. It鈥檚 only been like an hour since I left but there鈥檚 already more activity than before. Town militia are suited up and congregating at one end of the dock, away from the gangplank to the ship.
Talks going that well?
I catch Aisling鈥檚 eye, milling about outside the inn just off the dock. Are they on break or is business that slow today? They brush their hand clean on their apron before waving a greeting at me.
I return it with one of my own, grinning. 鈥淵ou look bored, Aisling!鈥
They take another look at me as I get close, brow furrowing in concern. 鈥淲ow, Dara, you look like a fish swam a thunderstorm. What happened to you?鈥
鈥淪hay.鈥 I don鈥檛 offer any further explanation other than a shrug and wince.
Aisling does not look impressed with me. 鈥淵ou need to stop inciting him.鈥
鈥淵ou sound like my Da.鈥 I groan. 鈥淏oth of them. He just 鈥 he gets under my skin. I can鈥檛 stand him.鈥 I wave a hand, I鈥檝e wasted too much of the day on Shay already. 鈥淲hat鈥檚 the deal over here?鈥
鈥淣o idea.鈥 Aisling shrugs. 鈥淢a wanted me to find out why business was going so slow even with a ship in port but I鈥檓 staying well out of鈥撯 they point at the gathered militia 鈥溾搕hat.鈥
鈥淭hink they even know how to fight?鈥
鈥淲hy?鈥 Aisling鈥檚 voice is wry. 鈥淵ou want to test them?鈥
I snicker, 鈥淢aybe so!鈥
I lean back against the wall and we watch the harbor birds together while we catch up. Between our respective apprenticeships there hasn鈥檛 been time for much of that these days. When we were younger, Aisling promised they鈥檇 come traveling with me; we鈥檇 make up plans for how to stow away on a ship, where to get provisions, what we鈥檇 want to see鈥
I don鈥檛 think any of that is going to happen any more. Aisling seems pretty happy working with their ma at the Inn. We鈥檝e been talking less and less these days.
鈥淗ey,鈥 Aisling taps me on the shoulder and points me over to the far enough of the harbor where the street leads towards the meeting hall. 鈥淐heck it out.鈥
There鈥檚 Broin heading down the street, and with him is Eabha, Shay鈥檚 mother and the captain of the guard. Between the two of them is a woman with long hair; streaked with lines of orange and yellow in unnaturally bright shades. The pair of tinted spectacles obscures her eyes. From their faces, the three of them are arguing about something. Neither Broin or Eabha look happy, but the mystery woman looks unperturbed.
There鈥檚 a chuckle from beside me, 鈥淭hat one鈥檚 got hair even weirder than yours, yeah?鈥 Aisling says.
I click my tongue and shrug. 鈥淵eah, Sort of.鈥 I put a hand to my shoulder, pulling hair in loops around my finger. 鈥淚 guess.鈥 Have I seen her before somewhere?
鈥淵ou gonna go check it out?鈥
鈥淗uh?鈥 I look back at Aisling and realize I鈥檝e already stepped a few feet away from them. 鈥淵eah, I guess. I鈥檒l talk to my Da. You want to come with?鈥
They shake their head. 鈥淚鈥檓 good, let me know how it goes?鈥
鈥淢m.鈥
I pick up the pace as I walk across the harbor. Broin sees me first, and I stick up my hand in greeting to him. He shakes his head at me but I don鈥檛 stop my approach. 鈥淎fternoon, Da.鈥 I put a finger to my forehead as I look at Eabha. 鈥淐aptain.鈥
鈥淒ara?鈥 Broin stares at me, 鈥淲hat happened to鈥 No, later,鈥 he holds out a hand, warding me off. 鈥淣ow is not the time.鈥
Eabha looks even less happy to see me. 鈥淟isten to your father.鈥
I smile brightly at both of them, then at the woman between the two. 鈥淲ho鈥檚 the special guest?鈥
鈥淪omeone just leaving.鈥 Broin says.
鈥淭rading partner,鈥 Eabha answers at the same time.
The two of them glare at each other.
The woman puts a hand to each of their shoulders and says something in Common. Broin鈥檚 expression only sours at it. Eabha eyes me then looks back to the woman and says something back to her, gesturing between me and Da.
Whatever Eabha says, the woman鈥檚 lips quirk upwards. She offers a hand towards me and then, in slow, basic common says, 鈥淕ood afternoon, I鈥檓 Dr. Veronica.鈥
I grin and take her hand, shaking it. 鈥淒ara,鈥 I answer.
She smiles back, revealing pointed teeth.
4 notes View notes
s3ym0ur-kr3lb0rn 2 years ago
Text
hi y鈥檃ll want some trans guy tips from a trans guy well here ya go
BY THE WAY IM PRE-EVERYTHING OKAY聽
If you wanna hide your chest I suggest聽wearing a thicker and larger sweatshirt. I know this is common knowledge but just make sure it鈥檚 bigger because聽I have a considerably large chest and the larger the hoodie is the more it helps.聽
If you want short hair and your parents are kinda against it, make an excuse. The only time I got to cut it short was when I told my parents it was for sports. They immediately let me cut it short after that.聽
A few pre-made excuses to get short hair:
- it鈥檚 more manageable
- it鈥檚 the trend right now
- it鈥檚 for sport/art/activity reason
- it鈥檚 healthier for the scalp and helps reduce hair loss
- it cuts down on shower time which saves water
- I want to for my birthday/Christmas/other
If you are doubting being trans, it鈥檚 okay. I doubted myself a LOT when I started to identify as trans and the first thing I did was research. Researching helps so much in reassuring you that everything鈥檚 okay.聽
BIG TIP! Get a job, it doesn鈥檛 matter if it鈥檚 part-time or full-time. Get some money you can fall back on in case shit hits the fan. I鈥檝e been saving up my money in a bank account and have a part-time job. Ask your parents for a bank account. Tell them you want to keep your money safe and they will say yes because that鈥檚 responsible and mature. If you find yourself being cast out by your family, you have that money to turn to. I know it鈥檚 sad yes, but it鈥檚 a back-up plan.聽
If you ever feel extreme dysphoria, talk to a trusted person. I have extremely debilitating panic attacks which just blow my dysphoria up so having a support group helps me to really let it all out.聽
If you want some pride stuff, socks are the safest bet. Just the solid color stripes of the trans flag are cool because parents just think you like the pastel color. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO BUY WHATEVER TRANS PRIDE STUFF THIS IS JUST BASED ON MY THINGS BECAUSE I HAVE TRANSPHOBIC PARENTS AND A FLAG SHIRT OR BRACELET WOULD BE REALLY OBVIOUS.聽
alrighty be safe y鈥檃ll聽
19 notes View notes
heart-buzz 2 years ago
Photo
Tumblr media
ten years ago i didnt know what being trans was. i just thought it was normal to hate being a teenage girl in a man鈥檚 world. i didnt know that i hid my chest because of dysphoria.聽
all i knew was depression and constant anger. sleepless nights without reason. i hated showering because i hated myself. everyone expected me to shave my legs, to pluck my brows, or wear makeup and i couldnt stand any of that.
i am so much happier today. ive been on T for more than a year now and even though my beard doesnt cover my whole face, i really think its only a matter of time. and if not?
thats okay because im still happier today than i was ten years ago.
3 notes View notes
Text
Pre-transition trans folks.
You will get the body you feel most comfortable in.
I believe in you.
5 notes View notes
enbys-life 2 years ago
Text
FTM Tips
Hey there, Derren again!
I鈥檓 gonna talk about some confidence-boosting tips pre-t, as I know it can be hard to have when your body doesn鈥檛 fit. Remember, these might not work for everyone, so try your best and see what works for you!
1. Wear sweaters! I know this is a given, but it, as well as hiding your chest and your curves, can boost your confidence and allow you to stand up straight, especially if it鈥檚 from the men鈥檚 section.
2. Go out and into聽鈥榤ens-only鈥 spaces, like the mens鈥 section in a store or hanging out with guy friends, as though you belong. People might notice if you seem nervous or scared, and are more likely to confront you that way.
3. When someone misgenders you, don鈥檛 be offended or overly defensive. Just look at them as if they鈥檝e made an obvious mistake and say,聽鈥榓ctually, I鈥檓 a guy. Don鈥檛 worry, I get mistaken for a girl a lot.鈥 It will put them at ease and make it easier for you to come to terms with your gender identity.
4. Use the Pronoun Dressing Room. It lets you input your real name and pronouns and hear yourself as the protagonist of some amazing books, and really helps me when I鈥檓 questioning or having a bad day.
I really hope these help!
2 notes View notes
uncleghostt 2 years ago
Text
Celebrity crushes and being trans
I think one of the reasons I have such an affinity for celebrity crushes is, in large part, due to being trans. Here's why:
(1) Having dysphoria is tiring. My brain is constantly thinking about my body and my voice and my appearance and how I am viewed by others. Having a hunky actor cutie to cruise on about takes that stressful focus and puts it instead, into something silly and fun. I can fill my brain with goofy comedians and lanky TV show characters, all the while forgetting about my dysphoria--even if it's just for a moment.
(2) As an in-the-closet and pre-transition trans person, I understand that being in the dating scene is just not made for me. Having crushes in real life isn't worth my time because I know that, realistically, it can't quite "work out". With someone out of touch however, (let's say a celebrity, or character), subconsciously, I already know that a relationship with them is unrealistic; so, I don't waste emotional energy pining for them, or wishing that they would return my sentiment.
I guess there's peace in knowing that they'll never like me back-- and not because I'm trans--but because they have no idea who I am.
It's all the fun of a crush, but without the gross feely-feels of a crush.
2 notes View notes
thetransgenderbride a year ago
Photo
Tumblr media Tumblr media
This picture of a pre-transition Monica in her wedding gown was taken in 2000. A post-transition Monica took Jeff as her husband in 2004.聽
27 notes View notes
stephaniesvintagetgirls a year ago
Photo
Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media Tumblr media
Several looks of a pre-transition Tiffany, taken in the late 1990s. She underwent GRS in 2009.
15 notes View notes
artsybi a year ago
Text
mirror
i see her in the mirror
not everyday now
just sometimes
when i do my hair
or wear makeup
or when i put on an old sundress
that no longer fits
i see her instead of me
she once was me
at least
that鈥檚 what she told people
what i tell people
i am not so sure
but i see her in the mirror
it used to be everyday
i did not see me
not ever
it was just her
blinking back at me
from the glass
i鈥檇 tilt my head
and she鈥檇 tilt her鈥檚
i thought of her cruelly then
because everyone
around me
only ever
saw her
they did not see me
and i thought her a thief
she was my
least favorite person
now
that i see me
more than i see her
i realize
that she never was a person
just
a trick
of the light
an illusion
and if you thought
about her too hard
she鈥檇 vanish
i cannot think of her
kindly
yet
i still see
her in the mirror
sometimes
and i cannot
remember her聽
sweetly
yet
maybe someday
when i no longer see
her in the mirror
at all
no matter what
i choose to wear
or do with my hair
when i will have
to look at old
photos
to see her
i will look back
and think of her聽
the way
i think of some
old friends
i wonder
sometimes
when she appears
in the mirror
what she thinks of me
the same way
i wonder
how my childhood best friend
would think of me
does she like me?
think me pretty?
she still
has blonde streaks
in her hair
from when i dyed mine
with stripes聽
of her favorite color
she gets her freckles
in the summer
when i get mine
i cannot yet think of her warmly
i would like to
but when
i see her in
my mirror
i cannot help
the vitriol
that rises inside
of me
because it reminds
me that
my family sees
her
they do not
yet
see me
if when they do
perhaps
i will find it
easier
to
be kind
to her
but not
yet
2 notes View notes
deebrisbyfish 4 years ago
Photo
Tumblr media
For the past couple of years of my transition, this has come up as a discussion between Heidi and myself. There are so many great memories and friends and moments that we have pics of that were PRE transition. But that doesn鈥檛 make the memory any less great for us. But it does always seem WEIRD re-posting or re-sharing those older pics. So me using my cartooning skills to change my head on these pics seemed like a good idea. And me doing so as SLOPPILY as possible, with my old beard still sticking out visibly, makes it funny enough to merit a comic strip. ;)
345 notes View notes
simping-for-heroes a year ago
Text
Day 8
so I was planning on going on a run today but then it was pouring rain all day so that idea was thrown out the window. instead I googled a hiit workout and did that. wasn鈥檛 that bad actually聽
2 notes View notes