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itsmejely · 6 years

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“No parent should ever have to bury their child. While our family/friends think that grief ends in a set time frame, in real life, grief NEVER ENDS. It’s just the beginning of a new life we never wanted or imagined”

Never in your dad and I’s wildest dreams did we think we would ever have to plan your funeral. Just a few weeks ago, we were busy planning your baby shower and signing our living will as we want to make sure you’re taken care off in case something happens to us. But today, we had to sign a release for your autopsy and for the hospital to work with the mortuary so we can lay you to rest. No words can describe how painful it was to write your name on a damn piece of paper with the words - date of death next to it. This is so unfair. You didn’t die. You were just sleeping, right? It was nice though to see how they referred to us as your parents so although you’re not here, we will always be your parents. Forever.

We know you’re already in heaven but we wanted to have a little place here where we can visit you at any time. We decided to go through the burial option and as much as it is painful to go through the logistics, your dad and I wanted to make sure we choose the best options for you. We got you a nice and cushiony bed to make sure you’re comfortable sleeping. You’ll be next to other sleeping angels around your age so you have someone to play with. We are also looking for nice burial plate for you so everyone that sees it knows how well-loved you are. We also want the service to be as intimate as possible because we want everyone to remember you as sleeping angel not as infant we are burying.

Life is really interesting Mason. In just a span of week, your dad and I’s lives completely change. Our priorities are changing and we are holding on to each other and our faith even more.

We love you Mason. Please continue to give us strength to get through this and the will not to push the people who love us away. Your aunts and uncles are reaching out to check in on us and telling us to reach out to them if we need anything.

We do need something. YOU. Can they really bring you back?!? Sometimes the words they say are not really helping us. It’s a reminder that everyone around us is moving on (which is perfectly fine) but we want to cherish this moment with you. They often say “stay strong” - how do we stay strong if we’re not even strong in the first place. “Call us if you need anything” - We don’t really know what we need so we can’t really call you. “We’re here if you need someone to talk to” - do they really want to hear our depressing story? We don’t want to scare them especially if they want to have their own kids someday.

I know Mason, mommy is being negative but I’m just so angry right now. I want you here with us. Your dad and I worked so hard to make our house a home where we can raise you and build our memories but now, it feels empty because you’re not here.

#stillborn #lifeafterstillbirth #preciouslittleangel

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