#probably can’t sustain this lifestyle too long

[kuromochimi]

baby I’m nothing like your broke ex

gojo satoru, nanami kento

Content warnings: mentions of past toxic relationships, not proof read

🔜 suguru geto, kamo choso, higuruma hiromi

Gojo Satoru

Satoru was rich. Like rich RICH. You first noticed this the moment you met him when you spilled coffee on his shirt then offered to buy him a new one instead. Instant regret when you realized that his shirt was worth more than your entire closet combined.

Being in a relationship with him was… well it was an adjustment. You lived a fairly simple life before you met him. It wasn’t a bad life. You still got to spend on your wants here and there but you had to budget such things much like any other common person had to. On the other hand, the word budget was non-existent to satoru especially when it came to you. He quite literally gave you everything. A few weeks into the relationship though, he had noticed how reluctant you were to accept his presents. You didn’t seem uncomfortable, just.. reluctant. He toned down a bit after this realization. But god he just couldn’t figure out why you were almost unwilling to accept anything at all from him, even food, even a ride home, even his hoodie which he already said you could keep. “Baby” he called to which you responded by looking his way. “Why do you never want to accept my presents?” He asked before he got up to approach you, immediately hugging you from the back as soon as you were within reach. “Hmm it’s not that I don’t want to.. it’s just.. you have to let me get used to these things first, okay?” satoru raised his brow “baby I know that shitty ex of yours can’t come close to how much I spoil you but was he that stingy?” at first satoru was only joking but your silence meant it was probably true. “So he was?” He asked as his chin was resting on your shoulder. “Come on satoru, he’s a thing of the past. He doesn’t matter anymore, ‘kay?” You tried your best to steer away from having to tell your boyfriend in detail but he’s right. Your ex was stingy as hell. It’s not like you ever asked for anything too much in fact, you don’t ever remember asking for anything at all. All the times he had to pick you up, he asked for gas money which seemed fair enough but it wasn’t just that. The man loved going on and extravagant dates but was never willing to fish out more than gas money. He adored receiving presents from you but could never be bothered to get you even the cheapest flowers. He used to say that he was just saving up to be able to give you the life you deserve but 8 years of having to sustain the luxurious lifestyle of a bum just made you snap hence, the break up. Satoru’s tightening embrace woke you from that little flashback. “Okay baby, I’ll make sure to spoil you but don’t hesitate to tell me if I go overboard hm? Love you” he gave you a kiss on the cheek and god, you felt so lucky to have found such a good man.

Nanami Kento

It quite literally took years of yearning for nanami to be finally able to date you. He was your junior in university and your junior at work as well. All that time, he had to witness you be head over heels for your then boyfriend, another one of his seniors. He thought the man might have put a spell on you because for the love of god, he could not see what kept you with the jerk for so long. Having observed your relationship from when he was a college freshman up to when he was a work colleague, your ex never even tried to mask how selfish he was with you. The man dawned expensive watches and drove a not so cheap car, he loved going to expensive places with his friends but with you? He wouldn’t hesitate to pass you the bill (like 85% of the time) whenever you went on dates, bought you nothing but cheap jewelry and quality reject flowers just because they were cheaper. Even worse, he also let you take the crowded train home everyday despite him driving to and from work everyday. He just couldn’t be bothered to pick you up because your workplace was “too far” and gas was expensive. If he really was struggling, it wouldn’t have been a problem but any person could see that he was more than capable of treating you better. He just didn’t want to.

Dating nanami was like a breath of fresh air. It’s not like you were materialistic in the first place but receiving pretty flowers and having someone make sure you’s comfortable and safe felt so heartwarming. On top of that, nanami didn’t make it feel like he was obligated to do any of that. He just genuinely wanted to care for you. It was all new to you that you even had to ask him to stop spoiling you too much, you felt bad accepting all that he was giving. “I know you don’t need them and I know you’re capable but let me do these things for you, hm?” Was what he’d always say and despite bot being able to voice it out to him yet, there is so much love in you knowing that it was possible to be treated this way. With so much care and love and concern.

#jujutsu kaisen x reader #jjk fluff #jujutsu kaisen #gojo x reader #gojo fluff #gojo satoru #nanami kento #nanami x reader #nanami fluff

[natimiles]

That is completely fine! I’m grateful that you took the time to respond! Thank you so much!!

I was wondering if you could do an African reader (maybe Jamaican) who is very hippie, is vegetarian, maybe does psychedelics or marijuana (but if you don’t want to include that, you don’t have to, for I do respect your requirements and your writing). They can also listen to reggae and artists like The Who, The Grateful Dead, Jefferson Airplane, Jimi Hendrix, etc. They can also have dreadlocks as well. Is Le Comte an easy character for you? If not, that is completely fine! Again, I sincerely apologize if this is too much! You don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.😅💕

First of all, I’m sorry it took so long! It was very difficult for me, HSIUEHUASIHEA. But I wanted to try to get out of my comfort zone. It’s in HC format, because it was easier. I’m sorry if it’s not for your liking, but I tried! 🥹

I couldn’t use all the characteristics, because they were really specific, HAIUEHAISUHEAS. And I didn’t want to write something stereotypical with the characteristics I’m not familiar with, so what I used: hippie (I hope I went to the right path with this), vegetarian and uses marijuana (let’s all thanks my husband for providing me what are the effects in an almost daily basis, HASIUEHAS), with Comte.

LESGO! 🤍

A hippie, vegetarian and marijuana-user reader | Comte

Tags: title is self-explanatory, but... reader smokes weed (do you consider it as drug abuse or nsfw?); gn! reader

You can’t tell me the weed wasn’t the main reason you ended up there. Your high-distracted mind thought it was a good idea to follow a handsome stranger.

You smell funny, but he doesn’t pry. The thought that you’re a smoker crosses his mind, but he can't figure out why it smells different from Leonardo. You have a scent more like herbs, and— oh… Oh!

“Ma chérie, why would you do that?” He's fine with cigarettes, but he doesn’t like that you smoke weed. However, he has an open mind and is willing to learn more when you tell him it’s not what he thinks. He'll be okay with it after you explain everything you’ve learned about it—how you use it for leisure, but in the future, it could have medical uses. I don’t think he’d try it, though; this is a moment you can share with Leonardo.

You try not to disturb him or anyone else though. You’re usually in your room or outside while smoking. He only knows you did it when sees you with a smile in your face and a lot of snacks in your hands.

You know how you wake up on the first night with a nightmare? Yeah, you were so drowsy that you didn’t even get up, so no one attacked you :D 

You might have some trouble finding weed when you arrive, as it's illegal and not well seen. However, you manage to make some friends downtown, so you can buy it more easily now.

You tell him you’ll sleep on the couch on your first night. Comte practically drags you to the bedroom, insisting so much that you should sleep there. It's too fancy for your liking, and you might need to change some things.

He offers to pay for everything you need to redecorate. You scold him fiercely. Didn’t he think about the consequences of spending all his money on futile things? He didn’t. I mean, look at this mansion! Does he look like someone who cares about money and what it can cause?

Cue you starting your TED Talk about capitalism and sustainability. You still try to make him stop burning his money with you or futile things. He’s trying very hard not to buy you a new purse he saw downtown… It’s a work in progress.

You probably won’t even step a foot into a ballroom. Instead, you're outside with the rest of the townspeople, protesting about the nobles' lifestyle and how it’s the rotten core of the system. The whole protest was your idea.

He finds your lifestyle amusing. He always had anything he wanted without any effort, so he’ll try doing things your way. You start a garden in the backyard, saying you like having your seasonings and herbs in hand. “Oh, that’s nice! Sebastian will appreciate it!” He might even try to help you. Wait, that’s not— “Chérie, that’s not basil, is it?” It wasn’t.

The first night when he offered you dinner, you politely refused and said you didn’t eat meat. (Cue Mozart gasping). “Oh…” And then he didn’t know how to explain to you that they were all vampires… He has to do it though, and he’s relieved that you’re not as uncomfortable as he thought you would. 

He’s probably the one who understands you better, being a vegetarian. I mean, he never directly drinks blood from a human, so it’s a start… right? … Right? You tell him it’s not the same, but it’s fine. You appreciate him not biting you or others (not without their contract with him, at least). He makes an effort to drink only blanc or eat human food when you’re around, not to make you uncomfortable — even though you’re okay with it. “Comte, I don’t eat meat, it doesn’t mean that you won’t eat it too.”

He has a refined taste, but I don’t think he’s a picky eater. He will try anything you like to eat, from plant-based alternatives to tofu.

I’m not encouraging anyone to use weed! BUT be responsible if you want to try it, okay? Some studies suggest using it only when you’re 25 or older. And even though it’s legal in some countries, remember that it’s still smoke being blown into your lungs.

Masterlists

#ask me #jiminspinkjams #ikemen vampire #ikevamp #ikevamp comte #ikevamp hcs #ikevamp headcanons #ikevamp requests #ikevamp x reader #comte x reader #ikemen vampire x reader #natimiles

[bedtimestoriesforbrokengirls]

Thank you for allowing me to provide more context on this (and for calling me a good girl). I am hopeful for your perspective, as it’s always been sound in my eyes.

Fundamentally, I (23) operate as a monogamous woman. I haven’t ever been drawn to polyamory. My ex (Master 52) had always been intrigued by it, but in our dynamic we remained monogamous.

This helps me understand that my ex and I were fundamentally wrong for each other from the beginning. It is important to note, I broke no contact with him after finding out this news. I asked a million questions, being the emotional masochist I am - and it helped a bit. Yet, I am still very much struggling to grasp the concept at hand.

Knowing what he chose to share, it doesn’t alleviate the regret and conflicting feelings I harbor for the lengths that I went to, to further capture his attention. To prove my devotion. I invested so much of myself into the dynamic, I believe any good girl would. I did many things in that dynamic that I don’t foresee myself doing again: having my head shaved, having a signature tattooed on me, and other very tangible things that prove ownership. It feels like all of those things meant nothing, when for me they feel very formative, life altering acts. These aren’t things that can be undone, but I long for them to be. I am of the belief that good M/s can rarely be undone, but I am now on the other side of a dynamic and I can’t seem to let go of it.

I see my ex (Master) now juggling 3 women, when I alone was too much to utilize and navigate. These are his words, though they’re incredibly hard to wrap my head around. I feel like these women are getting everything that I worked so hard for, and ultimately never got. His attention, his enthusiasm, his desire to explore.

Ultimately, it’s all very conflicting. I am thankful to know, but the weight of knowing is suffocating. I can’t stop looking at photos of them, in the bed where I once laid, on the floor where I worshiped him, the bathtub where he drowned me.

It’s unhealthy, I recognize this. I am just at odds with myself. I never in a million years expected him to move on in this way, and I know I must accept it. I know going no contact again might be the answer.

How do I not lose myself during this tumultuous time? How do I have grace with him and his new explorations? How do I not internalize this as a reflection of myself, and the service I provided? Do you have any thoughts, or words of wisdom to a girl who is lost, and really even wondering if this lifestyle is sustainable?

 There’s a lot going on here, and I probably won’t do it all justice. But here’s what I’ve got:

First, that age gap is pretty huge, so I’m gonna be a bit more judgy about his behavior in all of this. He’s allowed to have flaws and make mistakes, but it doesn’t sound like he did enough to minimize the impact of his flaws and mistakes on someone whose own youthful dumbassery made her extra vulnerable. And that experiential asymmetry is exacerbated by the nebulous nature of the breakup.

You’ve asked him a million questions, but I’m guessing not the ones you actually wanted answered. As a result, he tossed you some bones and left you to divine the truth from them… you’re twenty-three, so interpersonal augury isn’t going to be your strong suit. He’s gonna need to give you more than that.

Which might be tough, because it feels like you’re both hoping the other will come to his/her senses and stop all this foolishness… something that simply can’t happen, because you don’t share a definition of “sense”. He wants you to embrace life as one piece of a larger puzzle, and you want to be the lone X on his treasure map.

What makes it extra confusing is that you’re both basing your unspoken, futile hopes on the same thing:

You were willing to go so far and do so much to prove your dedication… surely that must outweigh everything else!

You were willing to go so far and do so much to prove your dedication… surely polyamory is just one more step on that devotional journey?

From what I can see, there’s no fix to be found here without someone having an unexpected and dramatic change of heart. I don’t know if “no contact” is the answer, but what you’re doing isn’t working.

RE: all those things meant nothing

Regret is a hot-button of mine… it’s the only thing I never want a girl to feel. If you regret being with me —and doing what “being with me” requires— then I have fucked-up on a fundamental level. I didn’t warn you enough, prepare you enough, test you enough… I didn’t ensure you understood the life that awaited you. The thought of such a failure sickens me.

So let me be very clear about something, for you and everyone else.

Never, ever do life-changing shit for a man just to garner his attention, enthusiasm, or desire. Devotion isn’t transactional… it isn’t the extra-credit work of a dutiful student, looking for a “++” to go with an “A”. It isn’t a bet you place, hoping to hit a jackpot. It isn’t a finish line you’re trying to cross.

You only give your all to him because he’s worthy. Because he deserves no less. Your sacrifice is a celebration of what is, not an invocation of what should be. You surrender your flesh and soul not for what he might do, but for what he has already done.

If it feels like an investment, you’re doing it wrong.

RE: undone

It sounds like you did some significant things for him while he was harboring a multitude of doubts. To be honest, that’s actually pretty shitty of him… there’s no good way to sugarcoat it.

The polyamory thing, sure, that could sneak up on him… he knew it was important, just not how important. But I suspect he knew there was a larger problem long before he left. Whatever may have impelled him to keep trying —responsibility, guilt, stubbornness— doesn’t change the fact that he knew something wasn’t working. He should have been taking his foot off the gas and asking some hard questions, not flooring it and hoping for the best. The Thelma & Louise approach seldom saves a relationship.

RE: juggling 3 women

A sip of harsh medication might be efficacious here.

You won’t like reading this, but three women who can fluently speak his language will be easier to handle than one who can’t. It doesn’t matter how much time you spend on elaborate gesticulation and compelling pictograms… if the words can’t flow freely, you’ll be harder to utilize and navigate.

That doesn’t mean you’re “too much”… he should probably rethink his phrasing. But there was almost certainly something wrong with your dynamic that was far bigger than “monogamy vs. polyamory”, and the fact that he hasn’t been able to clearly explain this is a further symptom of the problem. Y’all have been talking, but you haven’t been communicating.

Again, I have to put most of it on him. You weren’t his equal partner in this —by design— and can’t be expected to understand these pitfalls before they’ve consumed you. There’s nothing wrong with you needing help to climb back out.

But as long as you’re down there, I’d say it’s time to take a hard look at how you got here, and realize that whether he wanted one woman or ten, it wasn’t working for you.

RE: How do I not internalize this…?

By reminding yourself that there was nothing inherently wrong with your service… you simply can’t do the right thing for the wrong man.

#asks

[whentherewerebicycles]

weight talk below the cut!!

[insert standard caveat that no one has to lose weight or feel pressure to lose weight, everyone gets to make decisions about their own bodies, and choices I make about my body are not an implicit judgment of anyone else’s choices!]

I’ve been working for three years—literally almost to the day—to slowly lose weight and keep it off through sustainable long-term lifestyle changes. three years ago this week I was at my highest weight I’ve ever been and was having all kinds of health irritations that I thought were just the result of turning 30/getting older (I now think they were the result of an extremely sedentary lifestyle combined with fairly heavy drinking combined with a really bad processed food diet). anyway I won’t rehash everything as I’ve def written at length about it before but I started eating a whole food plant-based diet and trying to consistently get an hour or more of physical activity every day. it’s sometimes felt like sloooow going, esp compared to the short-term results I used to get with crash dieting (where you’d lose a bunch of what was almost certainly just water weight by starving yourself, only to rocket right back up to your starting weight or higher within a couple weeks or months). but I’ve made changes to my diet and lifestyle that now three years later just feel like a rock solid part of how I eat and plan my day, and I feel the benefits of them so strongly (and the negative effects when I’m traveling or out of my routines and can’t do them) that I think they’re just like… permanent now. best of all I feel like I’ve spent the three years negotiating ways to be flexible around food so I don’t feel all those strong bad feelings of guilt/shame or deprivation that used to characterize my entire relationship with eating. I can make a cake and eat it without feeling like I have to atone for it afterwards. I can be adaptable when I’m traveling while feeling confident that I’ll be able to reestablish healthy routines once the temporary disruption is over. I can calmly regulate my own emotions around food and make good decisions that will make my body feel good too. and even though losing weight happens really slowly, I track it pretty carefully and that helps me see that 1) it’s a steady downward trend and 2) my weight fluctuates significantly less than it used to, which I think means that I’m basically very slowly lowering my ‘resting weight’ (ie the equilibrium weight my body hovers around even as I fluctuate a couple pounds in either direction throughout my cycle). and that is very cool to see!

May 2020: 199 lbs

May 2021: 183 lbs

May 2022: 175 lbs

May(ish) 2023: 169 lbs

I could probably ‘lose faster’ if I restricted calories more, but I don’t want to! a lot of the research says people can lose up to 1-2 lbs a week for sustainable weight loss but that just hasn’t been my personal experience—if I lose too fast by restricting too much, it comes back and the temporary loss doesn’t seem to shift that resting weight baseline for me at all. whereas losing at this rate (less than a pound per month, but with a slooooow steady downward trend) seems to give my body time to readjust and accept the slightly lower weight as its new normal. this is totally unscientific and purely just personal opinion lol but I feel like, we know that the body doesn’t like change and is always trying to reestablish and maintain homeostasis… so in my mind it’s like well if I bring the weight down so, so gradually maybe my body doesn’t really register it as a change it needs to adjust for. anyway I don’t really care about why it works but it’s working for me.

I don’t really set goals around weight loss anymore (or I’m trying not to) because I don’t want to view it as like, a competition with myself that has a clear end goal, but I think bringing my resting weight to somewhere in the 150-160 range would be ideal for me… I have that sturdy Italian + Irish peasant stock build lol I’m not meant to be waif thin nor do I aspire to be. but 150-155ish is a weight I’ve felt very good/healthy at before and in the longer term (like 1-3 years) it’s the place I’d like to get to. I feel like sustainably losing 50 lbs and making lifestyle changes to keep it off is actually a huge fucking deal and if it takes me six years or so to do it that feels kinda right to me… like of course doing a complete and enduring overhaul of your attitudes and habits/routines around food and physical activity is going to take a long time to really firmly and permanently establish. like it took what, 26+ years to establish pretty fucked up and unhealthy routines/mindsets around food and exercise? so in the grand scheme of things six-ish years is actually really fast. also I am just kind of into the slowness of it all as a concept—like, proving to myself I can conceive of and implement a very long-term transformation of this huge area of my life/identity. I like the idea that you can change any aspect of your habits or attitudes once they are no longer serving you well. it’ll take time and patience to do it but you CAN do it.

[hoebiirama]

Tagged by : @madarasgirl, thank u for tagging me ❤️

(I’m writing this note after I finished answering these bc looking back at my answers I just went “yep I’m autistic and it shows” lololol)

Relationship status : In a long-term relationship for almost 8 years now

Song stuck in my head : Is this where I expose myself for being weird ? Bc what’s currently stuck in my head is an OST bit called “Petrified Temple” from Assassin’s Creed Odyssey, and it’s been this way for about a week now for some reason

Last song I listened to : Artificial Love by EXO

Favorite foods : I have an unhealthy addiction to raspberries. If this lifestyle was sustainable I’d probably only eat that. Sadly I’m probably going to die or at the very least be severely malnourished if I do lol

Last thing I googled : The TON-618 Black Hole. I wanted to show it to my coworker bc we were randomly talking about how we’re both terrified of space and that thing is one of the most horrifying things to have ever existed imo

Dream trip : Any of the Nordic nations tbh. I really can’t stand the heat (anything over 25°C will murder me) so I’m kind of limited in terms of places I can visit without wishing death, but also bc the scenery is absolutely beautiful and I’d love to see that for myself one day

Anything I want : I love Sasuke. Idk why this is the first thing I thought about but there, I said it. Idc that he committed “war crimes” or whatever, I will defend his case in court if I need to, I love him with all my heart and I wish I could give him a hug 😫

Tagging : @kimochis-stuff bc you’re the only friend I have here on Tumblr and I’m too socially anxious to tag anyone idk, but if you wanna do it for yourself, feel free to say I did tag you, I’ll even add u to this post lololol

#anli says some shit #ask game

[chiakosworld]

I read an article about how many calories you burn doing nothing, when I start a binge i usually get triggered by the thought of the amount I just ate which usually is something that tops 100 calories. Its most often something like «im beyond saving, lets just give in» and then followed by big regret and pxrging. The amount i eat after probably exeeds around 1000 cal. I pxrge probably 600 of them, which leads me to an intake of 400, obviously greater than what made feel bad in the start. Its really funny to think about. After this purge too i would feel so bad I would say “I will starve myself tomorrow”, and then feel bad in hope those feeling would lead me to not eat more- as if that would work. The days after would just be the same till my teeth sharpened and dulled out

It really is stupid

By rather taking in another mindset that «I probably burnt off those 100 cals or 200 cals by just existing» or/and «I have a fresh start tomorrow» makes me feel less bad- the thing that usually triggers my binge.

Also extreme weight loss is not something anyone can keep up in the long run. I will have to eat around people anyways at some point. Important is it too to not create a hole that sucks everything in when food finally touches a tongue tired of burning acidic sensations

When i reach my gw or I will try to sustain a long run plan. Managing my intake and burned to a balance. Then with this achieving an lifestyle where I am as skinny as I want without my body fucking deteriorating and my teeth falling out.

I can’t stand the idea of being an skeleton but I’d love for my thighs to be a bit smaller, with that goal hopefully in mind for later too, I believe I could reach a lifestyle that cooperates my bodily needs with mental and social surroundings

Thank u for taking the time to read my thoughts

#anor3x14 #notprojusttags #disordered eating thoughts #sweetsp0 #tw ana shit #tw ana diary #tw ed diet #disordered eating mention

[valleyofthe-lily]

Journal Entry #1

My days are pretty normal now. I think I’ve figured out how to function like a regular human being. This was not something I accomplished on my own, of course. A hearty dose of Lamictal, Vraylar, Adderall, and Hydroxyzine have all aided me in my journey of mental stability. That and extensive therapy. It also helps that my new psychiatrist, whom I’ve been seeing for almost two years now, actually believes what I tell him. It’s gratifying, finally being understood by a professional who takes my afflictions seriously. 

I wake up very early now. I always wake up very early when I’m unstable, so, when this began, I was appropriately concerned. I’ve been relatively stable for about ten months now, and I have no interest in reverting to a depressed or hypomanic state. Instability can be interesting or even fun at times, but I’ve found that the pros of hypomania eventually dissipate into the worst depressions I’ve ever experienced. I’ve had so many episodes at this point, all of increasing severity, that I know I can’t afford to go through any others. It’s been long enough now waking up early that it no longer concerns me, though.

I don’t think most people understand just how life-altering a serious depression or manic episode can be. Everytime I have an episode, my life is thrown completely off kilter. I withdraw from school, I lose my scholarships, I can’t work, I spend all the money I have, I don’t have any cares whatsoever. I’m constantly left picking up the pieces and trying to salvage the course of life I was on before. For the first time, I’m convinced that I’ll be able to stick out the stability I’m experiencing for a long time. I think that I’ve finally found the right mix of medications that work for me, with minimal side effects, and my routine and quality of life have never been better.

I don’t think I’ll ever be a happy person, but I’m content with where I’m at, and that’s all I can ever ask for. Even though I’m only taking one class right now, at least I didn’t have to withdraw from all of them again. My medical petition from last year was approved, so I have almost $2000 dollars of scholarship money I had to repay into my student account for tuition next semester. I even have a daily routine now. People who struggle with chronic depression understand just how difficult routines can be to maintain when you can barely even function each day. I think we all understand how important routines are for maintaining stability, but I’ve never been able to successfully sustain one. Now, I sleep a normal seven to eight hours a night (instead of twelve, plus three hour naps everyday), wake up from 1:30 to 5:45 in the morning, do my homework, go to class, eat regular meals, and I make time for myself in the evenings. I’ve also regularly been seeing my friends, and I’ve made a few new ones this year, too. 

Waking up extremely early has been my favorite aspect of my new routine. If I wake up early enough, from one to three, I’ll wake and bake. If I do this, I’ll usually do the dishes, get my laundry out of the way, clean the apartment, make breakfast, and end with a movie. I can usually get all of this done before 8 AM. Despite my currently extremely productive lifestyle, I still struggle in certain areas of my life. I still probably abuse weed; I use it at least once a day. At this point, I’m trying to be intentional about my usage. I no longer do it when I’m bored and have nothing else to do. I found that having a routine with your weed consumption also helps with intentional usage. I’m also still severely addicted to nicotine. I have no excuses for intentional use there. I’ve made a goal to finally quit by the end of the next semester, and, although I’m apprehensive, I’m determined to cut it out of my life. I know it only makes my symptoms worse when I’m in a bad place, and I don’t want it interfering with my progress in any way. Quitting is easier said than done, obviously. Life is looking up for me, though, in all other regards. I’ve been thinking I might actually make it lately.

#writing #writers on tumblr #bipolar #bipolar writers #mental heath awareness #mental health #daily routine

[yuna-writes]

Experiencing the world vs staying grounded

I remember there was one person who told me if I really want to travel the world, I should do it because a job is always going to be available when I come back. The idea seem enticing at that time, but I never took the bait, because I don’t think I found that statement true. First of all, if anyone is telling someone to drop everything to travel probably isn’t really a long range thinker. You just never know when you come back from your travels, the economy can be really bad, and it might be more difficult to find a job in a recession. No one can predict the future, but it’s important to keep note on different possibilities. 

I understand his perspective though. Experiencing the world and being fully present might be worthwhile because life is too short. You’ll never know when your last day on earth will be, so might as well experience something you have always desired. I just think most of the time, we’ll probably live a long life statistically. There’s just more people who are living longer generally, and maybe a small fraction of people lived a short life by bad luck. Whether it be an accident or they were just born with a disease or caught an illness. We can make an assumption most likely you will live a long life. 

From my observation and experiences, I don’t find it true that finding a job is easy. He’s correct that there are many jobs in the market, but majority don’t pay very well. And well, especially in my country, those jobs can’t realistically allow someone to rent a home and live independently. What’s the point of traveling the world, and then you come back to the harsh reality that you are not thriving financially and are still living in parent’s basement? That’s why I haven’t really went to places much, because I think money plays a big role in how your life will start to change. Strangely enough, my view on money isn’t really like everyone’s view on it. Money only has value because people believe it has value. Money allows you to buy time and experiences, but traveling without money is eating away your time. 

I’m not really a grounded person either who thinks working at a job forever and not thinking about life outside of a job. I don’t tailor my entire identity around a job...because in the end, the person might work incredibly hard at their job for an employer who don’t really care about them. I got to live a little bit too, but sometimes I don’t seem to agree with what young people think is freedom to them. I don’t think it’s wise to drop everything and travel to places, and not really have a plan in how you are creating life long sustainable wealth. It’s a bad idea to travel, then come back home and realize you are broke and struggling to find a job that pays well. Or, you work longer at a job you dislike. 

From my experiences, it’s very difficult to find a job that pays extremely well. It requires a combination of hard work and luck. There needs to be a fine line between enjoying the world but also look for stability. But the downside of always wanting stability is that sometimes you don’t really venture out and have a identity outside of work. It’s the question of who are you if you weren’t working at your job? Some people treat their job like a job and nothing more, and outside of their job they might be a different person who likes to travel and explore other interests. Interestingly, I find my job to just be a job, but also view it as a lifestyle I want to embody outside of work. I just haven’t figure out how that would look like. Being a designer to me is a job that provides income, but it’s also a lifestyle that I want to embody outside of work. 

#notes

[thoughtsofanunwellmind]

Depression and self-loathing

I have depression. In all likelyhood, I’ve had it for a few years, but it’s gotten worse over the pandemic and I’ve put my studying on pause cause there was no way I could do that with any degree of efficiecy in my current mental state. So I decided to look for a part-time job, mostly got get some routine in my life. but one of the major “symptoms” of my depression is an inability to get things done, to go through with things I don’t like. And, while I can rationally accept the need for the routine brought by a job with regular hours and such, i don’t actually want to do it. In a probably very similar way that almost noone would go to work if it weren’t necessary to sustain their lifestyle, with the relevant difference that, for me, that aversion is too strong to even write applications.

 And, of course, my parents are none too happy about this. They try their best to understand, but, gladly for them, they can’t. My father is a man of stringent timelines and somehow can’t understand that, if I had to ability to keep to timelines like he does, we wouldn’t be in this situation in the first place. but the part they probably don’t even think about is how much I loathe myself for not getting anything done. How much it hurts to sit there in the middle of the night and have to confront the fact that I spent another day doing nothing of value or substance, having come no closer to anything relevant, in other words: having been a useless fuck. How difficult it is to not drown in the sorrow and self-loathing. And on some level, I’m happy for them that they can’t understand, because they are essentially good people, or at least try their hardest to be, and I don’t want to have to deal with that. But I also wish they understood. But they can’t and probably never will. They can’t understand how they’re further irritating a wound every time I have to tell them I’ve done exactly fuck-all productive since last we spoke. It’s hard to not throw in the towel, to keep fighting when you’ve lost all hope of winning a long time ago and remembering why you keep going is getting harder and harder. 

[go-to-rakuen]

I think the vaccine made me anti-social lol

#like I don’t want to talk to anyone or do anything #my hair is so greasy #I’m approaching critical levels of NEET #probably can’t sustain this lifestyle too long #I desperately want to stop laying in bed all day

[ladykissingfish]

Christmas Shopping with the Akatsuki // Part One // Deidara

Deidara

Ah, it’s that time of the year; when people start looking at their friends and family, and wondering what in the hell they want for Christmas. It can be a difficult task, because you want to get your loved ones something nice, something they’ll use and appreciate … without breaking the bank to do so. The Akatsuki may live an unconventional lifestyle, but when it comes to Christmas, they’re the same as anybody else. From mid November up until a few days before the holiday hits, each Akatsuki member ventures out of the hideout to find a present for each member of the team. Deidara, while he typically waits until the last moment to do anything, is surprisingly on his game when it comes to x-mas shopping. He heads out over the course of several weeks, to pick up presents for the guys (and one girl) that have become this artist’s family.

Itachi

Anybody who knows anything is well aware that Deidara doesn’t care for Itachi. He finds the Uchiha to be arrogant ((although this couldn’t be further from the truth)) and avoids him when he can. However, even Deidara has to grudgingly admit that Itachi has his moments of … being tolerable. Like that time Deidara had a cold and Itachi brought tea to his door every day. Or the time he brought back Deidara’s favorite kind of candy from a mission. And besides, if Deidara didn’t get him a gift, Leader (and probably all the others) would undoubtedly rip him a new one. Deidara gives it some serious thought, and he realizes that the few glimpses he’s caught into Itachi’s bedroom has revealed that the guy has a thing for cat paraphernalia. Pillowcases, lampshades, curtains … Itachi is clearly crazy for kitties. For a brief moment, the thought of going to a shelter and getting Itachi a REAL cat crosses Deidara’s mind, but it’s quickly silenced by his brain reminding him that both Konan and Hidan are allergic to cats. After looking around in a variety of shops, he finally comes across something he feels is appropriate: a set of silver cat-shaped Russian nesting dolls. Deidara opens them all, and each little cat is cuter than the last. And it’s not too expensive, which is perfect. He leaves the store feeling satisfied that he’s chosen a great gift for his most “hated” enemy.

Zetsu

Zetsu’s hobby is, perhaps unsurprisingly, gardening. But in the winter months, gardening outside is a near impossibility, and Deidara notices how sad he gets in the cold months, when he can’t be in the sun and doing what he loves. So Deidara does a little research and looks into plants that can sustain the cold. He reads that many varieties of succulents can be raised indoors during the winter, so long as they have a south-facing submit window to sit in. Deidara travels to a place that specializes in succulents, and, after looking around, chooses a pretty, prickly beauty in a bright red pot, Zetsu’s favorite color. He takes it home and carefully hides and waters it until it’s time to give to Zetsu. He has to stop himself several times from going back to buy himself one, as the more time he spends with Zetsu’s, the cuter he thinks it is.

Tobi

Another person that Deidara doesn’t quite care for … well, kind of. Tobi has his faults ((MANY faults, in Deidara’s opinion)) but Deidara often got the sense that Tobi’s over the top goofiness and exaggerated personality was just a front; a cover, perhaps, for a shy soul. And Tobi was constantly trying to “help” Deidara in various ways, even if that help often did more harm than good. Deidara knows that Tobi likes sweet things, but getting him candy just seems so cheap and obvious. As he’s walking along, lost in thought, he passes by a formerly empty building and notices that it’s apparently been converted into a restaurant. There’s a handful of people standing outside the building, and Deidara asks the last person in line what it’s for. The man explains that this is a dessert cafe, and it’s set to open the first day of the new year. There’s a promotion being run today where the first ten people in line win a table for two and a free dessert on opening day. Deidara counts down the line from the beginning; he’s number 7! When he gets his certificate he tucks it away into his robe, making a note to buy a fancy box for it later. If it’s one thing Tobi loves more than sweets, it’s spending time with his Senpai; and this gift effectively kills two birds with one stone.

Kisame

The past year, Kisame has discovered a love for what he calls “human fishing”, aka catching fish with a rod and reel rather than his own teeth. He enjoys a challenge and tells the others that catching fish this way takes more of an effort for him than just doing what comes naturally to him. He’s gone with Deidara quite a few times, and the two always enjoy their quiet, stress-free afternoons together. For Kisame’s present, Deidara decides to get him a new pole (the one he uses now is old and the line often gets snagged, which takes Kisame forever to untangle with his large fingers) and some colorful lures. He’s positive that Kisame is going to like it, and Deidara’s mouth is already watering at the thought of all the delicious fish they’re going to catch (and eat) together.

Konan

Konan’s gift *should* be a little easier to pick out than the others, as for weeks Konan’s been hinting that she’d like a new bathrobe (her current one is ratty and just barely holding together by the strings). But when Deidara goes to check them out, he gets a bit overwhelmed. Would she want a floor-length one, or one that went to the knees? Cotton or velvet or silk? Plain or printed? And what was her size?? Konan was a very petite woman but wasn’t a bathrobe supposed to be oversized? But what if Deidara got her a larger one and Konan mistakenly thought that Deidara was implying that she was overweight? And Konan … had quite a bust. Would THAT make a difference in size? A saleslady sees him holding up different robes and having a mild panic attack, and goes to help him. Deidara does the best he can to describe Konan to her (and shows her the picture he has of her in his phone) and together they pick her out a nice, soft white robe with blue flowers printed on it. And he makes sure to get a gift receipt, so Konan can exchange it if it turns out to be the wrong size after all. The store offers gift-wrapping and Deidara takes advantage of this, wanting her present to look as nice as possible. He leaves the store with the box tucked under his arm, smiling proudly.

Hidan

Deidara has no idea what kind of thing that Hidan would want, and he’s a bit afraid to ask. Hidan has a taste for things that are gory and/or frightening, and that’s not anything that Deidara wants to look into. So he decides to take a few days to sit back and quietly observe the Jashin lover, to try and pick up some clues. Something he notices that he’s never noticed before, is how much time Hidan spends on his hair each morning. Combing, styling and gelling, primping and preening … but Deidara, who knows a thing or two about proper hair care, knows that all of the chemicals that the guy puts into his mane are probably severely damaging his roots. So he decides go get Hidan a set of organic shampoo, conditioner, and leave-in lotion. It’s the same kind of product that Deidata uses in his own long hair, and Hidan’s actually complimented the blonde a few times on it, so he’s confident that Hidan will like his gift.

Kakuzu

Kakuzu is so gruff and stoic that Deidara doesn’t even bother to ask him what he’d like for Christmas, because he knows that the answer will be “Nothing, kid.” So he asks Hidan instead. Hidan tells Deidara that lately when they go on missions, Kakuzu’s been limping a lot. Kakuzu always insists it’s nothing, and that he’s just tired, but Hidan knows better. “He’s got fuckin’ holes in those boots big enough to hide a family of rats, and the old bastard is too cheap to buy new ones!” So Deidara sneaks into Kakuzu’s room one day while he’s out, to pick up a pair of his old shoes to get the size. Then he heads out to a shop and, after some choosing, picks a pair of boots that are soft yet sturdy, and have soles with added plushness that’ll (hopefully) make walking more of a pleasure for the nonagenarian. This is the one gift that Deidara decides to give before Christmas, because he knows that Kakuzu and Hidan have a particularly long mission coming up beforehand, one where Kakuzu could definitely use his new boots sooner rather than later. It’s the first time that Deidara ever sees the old guy lower his mask and smile, and the first ((and only)) time that Deidara gets a hug from him.

Nagato

Nagato is somebody that Deidara genuinely likes. He was surprised when Nagato introduced himself to the group outside of the Pein body; he wasn’t at all like what Deidara expected. But Nagato was wise, and he was calm, and he was fair; everything that Deidara would want in a leader. But the guy … is incredibly thin. Alarmingly thin. And it seems like anytime Deidara sees him outside of his room, no matter how many layers of clothes he’s wearing, Nagato is always shivering. It’s gotten worse since the cold weather season started, and Deidara can’t help but feel sorry for him, especially considering how kind the man could be. There was a time a few weeks ago when the stitching came loose on Deidara’s arm, and neither Kakuzu nor Sasori was around to help him. Nagato surprised Deidara by calling the blonde into his office, and carefully sewing the threads back into place. It was a quiet moment, and an appreciated one. Deidara eventually decides to get Nagato a battery-operated heated blanket, something that he knows (after checking with Konan) that Nagato doesn’t have. It’s the same shade of red as Nagato’s hair, and so soft that Deidara has a hard time from wanting to keep it for himself.

Sasori

Ah, Sasori. Fellow artist, master of puppets, mentor, and partner to Deidara. He met Sasori when he was very young and wary about being in a new place around so many different people; but Sasori helped ease Deidara’s transition into his current life. It wasn’t an easy ride, of course; they clashed over pretty much any and everything. But Deidara had to admit that he wouldn’t have survived without the redhead’s guidance these past few years. But he’s legitimately stumped over what to get him. He’s sitting in his room thinking about it, and his eyes land on a little wooden puppet that Sasori made Deidara for his birthday back in May. The thing was so intricately carved that it looked exactly like Deidara, complete with a little blonde wig and bright blue marbles for eyes. So much time and effort when into this, and Deidara would love to be able to make something like this for Sasori. Wood-working isn’t his style, obviously … but clay is. Yet even this is a challenge, as Deidara is only used to creating things that explode, not works meant to last forever. He spends almost an entire week, all of his free time, working on this. Finding the right paint to replicate Sasori’s skin tone. Meticulously sewing together a little black shirt and pants to represent Sasori’s normal attire. He even gets Konan to help him create a little red wig and mix a special dye to create the warm earth-tone of Sasori’s eyes. The end result turns out even better than Deidara expected; his creation is adorable. He very much wants to keep it fit himself … but for now is content with letting it sit next to his own doppelgänger, until the day comes for him to gift it to his Danna.

#the akatsuki #christmas shopping #christmas #deidara #konan #itachi uchiha #tobi #zetsu #hidan #kakuzu #nagato uzumaki #sasori #kisame

[excuseyouclarke]

The fight for equality in the UK is far, far from over.

Last night, a 14 year old black boy playing football in the streets in was murdered by a group of men. Birmingham Police are trying to say it was not racially motivated, I say that once again that police are talking shit. I see no reason why a group white of men would get out of their car to chase down a group of teenagers and stab one of them to death. This a boy who was out enjoying the sunshine on a bank holiday Monday, ready for half term with his friends, a boy with his whole life ahead of him. He had a family at home, probably waiting for him to come home for his dinner, now they’re mourning their son while his killers are still out there.

This comes just weeks after Sasha Johnson, a BLM activist in the UK was shot in the head.

The government claim there’s no systematic racism, that is a clear lie. They have tried to put a positive spin on past slavery. Our invasions and colonastions throughout history are not taught in schools, 95 percent of young black people have witnessed or heard racist language at school in the UK.

We need to step up, we need to be calling out racism and showing that this is not okay, and we should not be standing for this. I hear casual racism being brought up in conversation all the time, it took me a long time to educate myself and get the confidence to not only call out this behaviour, but attempt to educate. I’m sick to my stomach with what has happened, i can’t even begin to imagine how the black community is feeling. I’m linking some resources below, please, please support anti racism causes in the uk, we have such a beautiful and diverse culture, we should be embracing it.

Resources below.

Organisations:

Stop hate UK - anti-racism charity

Show racism the red card - anti racism charity

Charity So White

Black Lives Matter

BMECP Centre – a sustainable resource centre which champions the Black and Minority Ethnic (BME) community in Brighton and Hove and supports BME communities and their families.

MOSAIC Brighton – Black and Mixed-Parentage Family Group

Immigration and Asylum Helpline from Rights of Women

Southall Black Sisters – addresses the needs of BME women empowering them to escape Domestic Violence, Forced Marriage, Honour Based Violence, FGM, Rape

Karma Nirvana – supporting victims of honour-based abuse and forced marriage

Imkaan – “addressing violence against Black and minoritised women and girls”

Justice for Grenfell

Movement For Justice

Stephen Lawrence Charitable Trust

The National Memorial Family Fund is the first permanent national resource of its kind specifically for those that are affected by deaths in custody.

UK Black Pride

Imaan London – LGBTQ Muslim Charity

Liberty help challenge injustice, defend freedom and campaign to make sure everyone in the UK is treated fairly.

The Black Curriculum

Runnymede Trust – the UK’s leading independent race equality think tank

The United Families & Friends Campaign, is a coalition of those affected by deaths in police, prison and psychiatric custody.

BAME recruitment consultancy website

Black LGBT organisations you should know about: a list from Stonewall staff

Books:

Why I Am No Longer Talking to White People About Race, by Renni Eddo Lodge (non-fiction)

Me and White Supremacy, by Layla F. Saad (non-fiction)

White Fragility, by Robin Diangelo (non-fiction)

Kill the Black One First by Michael Fuller (non-fiction)

Brit(ish) by Afua Hirsch (non-fiction)

Black and British by David Olusoga (non-fiction)

Girl, Woman, Other by Bernadine Evaristo (fiction)

The Windrush Betrayal by Amelia Gentleman (non-fiction)

Black Feminist Thought by Patricia Hill Collins (non-fiction)

Ain’t I A Woman by bell hooks (non-fiction)

Redefining Realness by Janet Mock (non-fiction)

Sister Outsider by Audre Lorde (non-fiction)

Me, Not You, by Alison Phipps (non-fiction)

Queenie, by Candice Carty Williams (fiction)

Sula, by Toni Morrison (fiction)

How to be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi (non-fiction)

Assata, by Assata Shakur (non-fiction)

Articles and social media posts:

Welcome To The Anti-Racism Movement — Here’s What You’ve Missed

“Where are the Black girls?” about (in)visibility in Childhood Sexual Abuse bu Jahine Davis

Report from Imkaan: Reclaiming Voice: Minoritised Women and Sexual Violence Key Findings

Intersectionality infographic from Listen Up Research CIC

The Truth About Women and White Supremacy

How We Make Black Girls Grow Up Too Fast

White Privilege: Unpacking the Invisible Knapsack

What will you do to continue the work? (IG)

What to do if you can’t protest on the streets for Black Lives Matter

Why you need to stop saying “All Lives Matter”

10 Steps to Non-Optical Allyship

When Feminism Is White Supremacy in Heels

I want to be an ally but I don’t know what to do (IG)

What does black British activism look like in 2020

We revolt simply because, for many reasons, we can no longer breathe – statement from Diversity & Ability and resource list

Structural Racism vs Individual Racism (IG)

Everything else on Gal:Dem, an online and print publication committed to sharing perspectives from women and non-binary people of colour.

Black Ballad, a UK based lifestyle platform that seeks to tell the human experience through eyes of black British women.

A more extensive list can be found here, please feel free to add more!

#BLM #black lives matter #TW: Racism #TW: Murder #anti-racism resources #uk resources #birmingham #I came out of my depression break to make this #literally feel sick to my stomach thinking about this

[talkingharrystyles]

https://talkingharrystyles.tumblr.com/post/678632419321118720/to-anon-i-have-another-question-and-im-so-sorry

🌌You’re not a bother. You’re asking a legitimate question. If something is true, then it will stand against suspicions. No matter whichever you dissect it, it will defend and sustain itself. When someone discourages people from asking simple questions that can be answered without complicated explanations with “Just trust me! Stop asking!” or “you’re don’t care about him because you wouldn’t question it,” it’s usually because they’re afraid of the truth escaping. They want you to stupidly take their words as absolute. If there’s increasing, and contradictory holes as well as reasonable doubt then it’s only logical to ask “what’s really going on?”

No I don’t buy the hooking up rumors either, as they directly support the image Olivia wants to be seen as “this desirable, sexy, intellectual mind that’s the envy of every man and woman.” In every articles/blind/ from Olivia’s team, it’s ALWAYS centered on celebrating her “beauty.” Truly beautiful/ smart/ talented people aren’t focused on possessing the trait they already have. They already are those things so they don’t need to force the public’s attention to see what’s already there.

It also supports the “Harry is just a hopeless boy toy easily controlled by Olivia” narrative because it, as you says, paints him as someone who’d forgo his professionalism and his stance on family all because he couldn’t resist Olivia.

Best advice about tabloids? The media tells a story. Meaning it will subtly predict something before it even happens. Take that Backgrid photo of Harry outside of Olivia’s trailer long before the “wedding”. The caption said that someone was swooned (I forget which one it referred to) by the other. Nothing in that picture screamed romance. Olivia was doing her exaggerated actor face and Harry was just looking. Not gazing, or his eyes burning with desire. The media’s deliberate use of that word was intentional as it set the narrative of a romance occurring between them. Some people refer to it as seeding, which is correct. I just say storytelling. We were given pics of them actually kissing and is “swooning” a word that you’d use to describe that setting? Olivia was in a two piece and Harry looked bored. Not someone whose was mesmerized by, partially aroused, and comfortable seeing their partner partially nude body. Neither did Olivia. Ofc she wants to see him nude just to flex (the closest she probably has gotten is the FL poster); she too didn’t look like someone who’s seen his body.

Another example of storytelling is now the tidal change of them “us-against-the-world, I-can’t-live-without-you” to Harry slowly disappearing from her life. Many are already predicting how the end is written to read with the cliche “they separated because of lifestyle commitments.”

Lastly, that affair/hookup wouldn’t had seen the light of day because Harry’s team would had made sure that any interactions of them wouldn’t been documented or circulated. You see how he surprised everyone with his Eros role with no pic of him going to, during, leaving from set spreading? If Harry was that guarded about something apart of his public life, how much more his private one? Holivians argue that him uncharacteristically overly sharing this relationship is because she’s very special to him…care to explain then why we aren’t bombarded with pics/fan sightings/articles of him with Anne then? That’s someone whose incredibly special and his love for organically radiates. Press about them would generate great media attention as it’d show their relationship, especially after Robin’s and Bryan’s passing, (fans already want to see more of it)-which is the precise reason he doesn’t do that. Harry doesn’t exploit the people who he does care about for publicity gain. Hope that clearly explains stuff!

#fauxlivia #holivia is fake #holivia #pr stunt #publicity stunt #holivia stunt #publicitystunt #pr relationships #holivia pr stunt #🌌

[plottwiststudios]

So. Incredibly. Tired.

Frank Mental Health Post: Please skip if you need to tend to your own! \o/

Many of you noticed that I am using Women of Xal’s Early Access to weigh in how much extra content I should cut to finish production once and for all. If you’ve played the game, you’ve seen how borderline overwhelming the amount of options there are already. The Kickstarter has NOTHING on the sheer scope of the full game. 

Xuna’s mansion becoming a pretty castle in the sky was perhaps the most fitting bit of real-life foreshadowing I have ever done in my life. Period.

The Kickstarter made its goal of $10k. If I had stuck to the Bare Necessities and focused squarely on the narrative experience and budget over anything else, the costs would never have reached an additional $40k of my own money. If I didn’t absolutely loathe the thought of having a project like this, helmed by me, being a completely linear experience, this project could have been out years earlier. If I had put a bit more restraint on my ambitious side, maybe I wouldn’t have lost so many connections. But maybes and what ifs are for fleeting reflections and bettering oneself. Not for a mental health status. However, it does perfectly lead to this project, me, and you.

The fact of the matter is, I absolutely did put my all into this production, fought through otherwise debilitating depression to write “just a bit” more, worked retail at crazy hours and maddening weather to afford stuff that may or may not show in the final build, ignored my health to further my ambition if cash wasn’t specifically given to me to tend to it, ect. The fact is, it happened, and I sustained this mindset ever since the Kickstarter concluded. And I’m so incredibly tired of putting so much into the same project.

That’s why this particular month is what will dictate the future and end of this journey. If Early Access goes well both critically and financially, we charge full speed with several of the extra content in mind (and not just potential future DLC). If the universe wills to test me further, we charge full speed to hit the middle: Far more than what the Kickstarter promised, but far less than what I personally wanted.

Long story concluded? I’m so incredibly tired. I’m sure my staff are tired too. I want to enjoy other things again, spend more time with friends, maybe explore the polyamorous lifestyle I always could but never seriously did, start new projects again - oh good Dhaj new projects, make that gay OnlyFans page, make a sequel to my musicals and Personatale! (Persona x Undertale mashup)

The fact I haven’t been, the fact that no semi-large/ large project has been started or finished since Women of Xal, the loss of money, health, friends, and almost some of my patient and loving family; the fact that I don’t know what an anxiety/panic attack or a mental breakdown feels like, but probably the closest to reaching one than I ever have in my life? Yeah, enough is enough. 

The month of August 2021 will prove if this was all financially worth it. If it wasn’t, it’s not your fault, readers. It will never be. The fault 100% lies with me. I am 200% aware of that. You have all done wonderfully and have treated me even more so. I can’t thank you all enough. The onus of success falls on me and those who willingly jump on this ship to share the responsibility with me. You just all deserve to hear why I may not be able to bring you the cool little extras, you know?

Thanks for reading,

Johnathan Johnson

#Long post #Johnrants #Early Access #Steam #Women of Xal #Steam sales are alright #So don't worry about this post being born out of financial woes #I just need to be honest and say why some of the extra features may not make it #I'll apologize over the loss of cool extra features but never for FINALLY prioritizing my mental health over this project #The gay onlyfans thing was a bit of a joke #UNLESS! #loljk #Or am-

[rovelae]

Behind the Scenes of “Hologram”

           Today marks exactly one year since I posted arguably my most popular fic. “Hologram” is a postgame Saiouma one-shot about escapism, loneliness, and running away from the past. I put a lot of myself into this fic and I’m blown away by all the love it’s received, not only on AO3 but in Discord servers and other social media. All that excitement made me keep thinking about it, so I thought I’d share a (very self-indulgent) behind-the-scenes of sorts about how I wrote it, as well as what I think of the story.

           This essay will contain spoilers for the whole fic, so if you’d like to read it first, you can find it here. Of course, if the tags scare you off, that’s valid, but you might want to skip this post too since I’ll be quoting it throughout (so, just to be safe, expect the warnings I’ve posted on AO3 to apply here too).

           If you’re a Lorde fan you’ll recognize the lyrics in the fic summary – “Nothing’s wrong when nothing’s true,” from “Buzzcut Season.” The inspiration for this fic came to me while I was on my way to an early shift at work, and I needed a good song in my head to give me the will to live for the next eight hours. Not sure why I chose that song in particular, but maybe part of it is because I like imagining stories to go along with the songs I listen to, like AMVs playing in my head, and I’d never been able to pin down exactly what this song reminded me of.

           The mood of the music is really what compelled me – there’s something lonely about it, and the lyrics sound like the singer’s trying to convince herself that everything’s okay even when all evidence points otherwise. There are “explosions on TV”, and “The men up on the news / They try to tell us all that we will lose,” but “we live beside the pool / Where everything is good.” Despite everything going wrong, despite the notes of fear creeping into the pre-chorus, the character will “play along… in a hologram with you” and “never go home again.”

           From there, it was an easy jump to “postgame Saiou” and that was that.

             There’s a cloud of seagulls hovering in the air around him, and a dozen or so more standing just out of reach, staring him down with beady black eyes. Kokichi takes a slice of bread from the loaf he’s holding and tosses it to one of the birds, watches it catch it and stumble under the weight, watches its head bob as it tries to swallow the whole thing at once. It gets remarkably far before four other birds descend on it, shrieking wildly.

           “Mine, mine, mine,” he mumbles into his folded arms, wondering if Shuichi would get the reference.

           He really wishes Shuichi was here.

           Kokichi upends the rest of the loaf of bread onto the sidewalk and laughs at the resulting chaos until his chest aches.

             To start off, I wanted to create the same lonely mood from “Buzzcut Season” in Kokichi’s simulation. He’s not exactly trapped there, but he’s refusing to leave, because as long as he’s on the fake Jabberwock Island, he can pretend the killing game never happened. The trade-off to that escapism is that the only people he can talk to are the NPCs, who aren’t complex enough to be remotely interesting to him, and Usami, who… well, tries her best, but is more of an informational / moderation program and can’t offer him what a therapist could.

           The only thing Kokichi has to look forward to is Shuichi, who he’s convinced is an extremely lifelike computer program rather than the real thing, because the real Shuichi would definitely hate him for everything that happened during the killing game. He’s so locked into this line of logic that he doesn’t let himself consider that Shuichi has forgiven him – he doesn’t even have a good answer for why the Future Foundation wouldn’t just keep the supposed Shuichi AI on indefinitely, believing it’s their way of baiting him into leaving the simulation.

           It’s not a healthy or sustainable lifestyle in the slightest, but Kokichi stubbornly refuses to do anything but wander the islands aimlessly, passing the time with ice cream and feeding seagulls until the next time he can see Shuichi.

             He dreams that DICE is here in the simulation with him, smiling and carefree as they explore the weird music venue. One of them has gotten the karaoke machine working, and another found a box of kazoos and maracas in the back room. Kokichi already pities anyone unfortunate enough to walk by the building tonight.

           “Not going to sing, Joker?” one of his DICE asks (over the sound of their youngest member shrieking through seven kazoos at once), sitting on the bench next to him.

           “Some games are more fun to watch than play,” he answers, leaning back on his hands and sighing.

           “Like a killing game.”

           The warm dream-atmosphere turns cold then, and Kokichi’s head snaps over to look at him—but his brother is gone and Kaito’s looking back at him instead, blood in his teeth and face ashen pale.

           “You... we don’t have to do this, man,” Kaito says, but it’s a lie and they both know it, and he doesn’t want to look behind him because he knows the machine’s looming over him with its unyielding steel and slow slow slow descent—

           “You’re not real,” he snaps at dream-Kaito, who doesn’t respond except to lift him up again. “Nothing’s real, none of—PUT ME DOWN! LET GO OF ME! DON’T PUT ME BACK IN THERE!”

           “Death is more mercy than you deserve,” Kaito says, and Kokichi claws and bites and kicks his way out of Kaito’s grasp like a wild animal, only to end up in front of a prison cell full of—

           DICE, his beloved DICE, trapped and hurt and afraid, bloodied and beaten and helpless.

           “Why didn’t you save us, boss?” says his second-in-command, clutching the bars with bleeding hands. “Why didn’t you do more? Now we’re all dead and it’s because of you.”

             Moments like this are my reference to Buzzcut Season’s pre-chorus, where the not-okay starts to creep into the illusion. Despite Kokichi’s valiant efforts to forget, he’s still dealing with the aftermath of seeing his family hurt and in danger, watching his friends die, orchestrating the deaths of two of them, being killed himself— and then being told every bit of it was made up to entertain an audience who sees nothing wrong with that picture. Running away is not the way to heal from trauma, and one day soon it’s all bound to come crashing down around him.

             “Do you know what this … island paradise represents, Kokichi?” [Hinata] asks, and Kokichi’s really not in the mood for a lecture but he continues anyway. “Jabberwock Island … was the setting for the fiftieth season of Danganronpa. The golden anniversary, they called it. It was my season.”

           Kokichi hunches over, hugging his arms over his torso and stifiling a scream. He does not want to think about this right now—

           “They wanted it to be the best season of all, which, unfortunately for us, meant it was also the bloodiest,” Hinata says. “Twice as many participants, deadly traps hidden across each of the islands— they even changed the way the motives worked, like when they told Fuyuhiko to cut out his own eye so Peko could have a quick death instead of suffering for days.”

           “Do I look like your therapist, porcupine-head?” Kokichi hisses. A sharp pain is pounding into his skull, and there’s a bitter, metallic taste at the back of his throat. A taste like poison and blood.

           “There was so much going on that the simulation malfunctioned,” Hinata says. “When people died, their Ultimate talents downloaded themselves into me. I’m told that the stress of so many personality grafts came close to liquefying my frontal lobe. I’m lucky I woke up at all… especially considering more than half of the others didn’t.”

           “Why are you telling me this?” Kokichi grates out through the static building in his head. If he opens his eyes, will he see the beach or the dull chrome of the machine closing in on him?

           “Because I know how much you want to forget about what happened,” Hinata says. “Believe me, I get it.”

           ….

           “These things that happened to us… we can’t erase them, no matter how much we want to. Some things have to be remembered.”

             I’d mostly like to leave Hajime’s season up to interpretation, but there are a couple things I wanted to say about it. I imagine Danganronpa is like the Hunger Games in that it’d go all out for big anniversaries. So, there were twice as many participants for the Jabberwock Island beatdown that was probably subtitled “Bloodbath Bay” or something equally appealing. The game’s formula changed from a focus on the mystery and the trials to “look at all these kids massacring each other a la Lord of the Flies,” and since the VR system wasn’t equipped to handle that many people and their deaths, it malfunctioned, giving Hajime way too many Ultimate talents and putting half the cast into comas from which they never woke up.

           Viewers either absolutely loved or absolutely hated this season, depending on whether they were DR fans because of the “blood n’ guts” factor or the “mystery and psychological thriller” aspect. Team Danganronpa faced quite a bit of backlash for actually causing the real-life deaths of half its participants, but were able to weasel their way out of serious legal repercussions because of the waivers the participants had signed beforehand (plus a lot of bribery and falling back on their longstanding popularity). So, the cast of Season 50 failed to end the killing game, but helped provide great evidence for the “Danganronpa is morally wrong” argument.

           Hajime works as a victim liaison for the Future Foundation and has been trying to take down Danganronpa since he got out of it. He’s like that in a few of my fics, actually; I like the idea of Hajime acting as a big brother of sorts to the V3 cast. It’s especially entertaining to imagine his interactions with Kokichi— though maybe not so much in Hologram, since to Kokichi he’s a representation of the past he’s trying so desperately to forget and the future he refuses to acknowledge.

             “SHUT UP!” He launches himself at Hinata, his hands wrapping around the other man’s throat as he uses his momentum to slam him to the ground. “SHUT! UP!”

           “Ko— ghk—” Hinata coughs, eyes wide with surprise, but aside from moving his hands up to grip Kokichi’s wrists, he doesn’t seem all that worried about fighting back.

           The thought only fuels Kokichi’s rage until he’s choking Hinata so hard his knuckles are white. “If you want me out of this simulation so badly, you can kill me,” he snarls. “I’m never waking up! I’m never leaving, do you UNDERSTAND ME?”

           Hinata grimaces, the outline of his avatar flickering, but he still doesn’t struggle, and Kokichi hates him all the more for it, despises him with a seething malice that festers low in his stomach. He wonders distantly if he’d actually kill this man in real life. Or if he’d be able to stop himself, feeling like this.

             Kokichi’s breakdown here is more out of fear than anger. Like I mentioned, Kokichi sees Hajime as another piece of what’s hurt him, and no matter how Hajime tries to help, Kokichi will always remember Danganronpa whenever he sees him.

             Warm yellow-orange light casts a relaxed, cozy glow over the dining hall. It’s an ambience compounded by the flickering candles on the table, which seems overly idyllic, but Kokichi will let it slide because of the adorable way Shuichi flushed when he noticed them as they sat down. Well, if he’s being honest, everything about Shuichi right now is adorable, from the way his hair keeps falling into his eyes to the way he’s nervously fiddling wth his chopsticks. Kokichi wishes he could keep staring at him forever.

           Ah, not… not in a weird way, though, just… because Shuichi’s beautiful, and when Kokichi looks at him he can forget everything bad that’s ever happened, can create some new and brighter world to exist in.

             This is an idea I wish I’d had room to explore a bit more in the story— that is, just how far Kokichi will go to pretend everything’s fine. I thought about making him border on delusional, like having him talk to people who aren’t there or forget what’s actually happening around him because he’s so lost in his fiction-within-a-fiction. It would have creeped Shuichi out a whole lot.

           Unfortunately, there wasn’t much room for that past the plot I’d already nailed down, so I focused on his loneliness and escapism instead. I do touch on it later in this scene, though— the couple paragraphs where he slips into fantasizing about being a phantom thief having a surreptitious meeting with his detective under the not-so-subtle supervision of his DICE. There would have been a lot more of that if I’d gone with the ‘delusion’ stylistic choice, to the point where even the readers would be confused about what’s real. Maybe I’ll look into writing something similar in a future story.

             Eventually, Shuichi sets down his bowl and looks away with a little sigh, and Kokichi clenches his teeth because that’s the sigh he does when it’s time for that conversation.

           “Um… Kokichi?”

           Kokichi’s only response is to exhale the breath he’d been holding in a quiet hiss.

           “I-I know you don’t want to, but… but I really need to talk to you about something,” Shuichi says. “Please?”

           “My Mr. Detective can talk about whatever he’d like!” Kokichi says with a lilt to his tone that makes it sound more sarcastic than he wants it to. He takes the last bite of curry and wishes that it burns hot enough to hurt.

           “It’s about Kaito.”

             This more serious part of the date scene is meant to reflect the little bridge in “Buzzcut Season”:

“Cola with the burnt-out taste

I’m the one you tell your fears to

There’ll never be enough of us.”

           It’s a part of the song that sounds especially bittersweet to me, a bit of self-awareness between the insistence that everything’s okay.

           Really all I think I managed was to reference it when Kokichi’s internal dialogue comments on his drink being “so sweet it tastes burnt” and then later not tasting like anything. But hopefully the mood’s still there.

             “Tell him… that I have nothing against him,” he says.

           “That’s … not a lie?” Shuichi presses.

           Kokichi shakes his head idly, still not raising his gaze. “I wanted to wreck the killing game and he wanted to save his friend. We both got what we wanted. I’d say the end more than justifies the means.”

           Was that a lie?

           (I don’t want to die Shuichi I’m sorry I’m sorry save me Shuichi please I’m sorry ithurtsmakeitstop—)

           His fingers tighten into clawlike shapes, nails digging sharply into his forearms.

             I really don’t think Kokichi would have anything against Kaito, even if here he’s not being completely honest with how much he’s affected by what happened. It wouldn’t make sense to him to hate Kaito for something he himself proposed, but I think there’d still be a subconscious barrier between them. Too much history.

             “Don’t go, Shuichi, I’m so sorry, I— that was so dumb, what I said, please don’t be sad anymore.” He’s not sure if he can’t breathe because of the exertion of running or because of the hysteria boiling over in his head. “Please don’t go, I didn’t mean to hurt you— please don’t leave, Shuichi, I’m so sorry.”

           “Oh, Kokichi….” Shuichi’s tone is strange, soft and pitying, like he sees something Kokichi doesn’t, and he shakes his head slowly as more tears follow the paths of the others.

           Kokichi goes to his knees, ready to grovel if that’s what it takes, but Shuichi follows him down, closing his other hand over Kokichi’s, and then they’re both crying and he doesn’t know why, and all he can do is repeat a mantra of I’m sorry and hold on as tight as he can.

           It’s horrible. Shuichi’s horrible. Shuichi’s wonderful, and kind and lovely and perfect and Kokichi hates him, Kokichi adores him, and it doesn’t matter because Shuichi’s not actually here but Kokichi doesn’t want to be alone, just let me pretend some more, please, please let me have this—

           “I’ll… I’ll stay,” Shuichi says at last. “I can stay a while longer.”

           You shouldn’t, Kokichi wants to say, but his mouth won’t obey him. You shouldn’t stay if you don’t want to. I don’t deserve having you here. I’m not worth your mercy.

           But there on the bridge, crying tears of relief, he soaks up as much mercy as he can get and hopes it’s enough to drown him.

             I wanted to create a contrast between them that highlights just how the isolation and trauma Kokichi’s experiencing has affected him. He has an almost unhealthy reliance on Shuichi as “the only thing that makes this world bearable,” and panics when faced with the prospect of being alone again so soon. Part of why Shuichi’s crying is because he’s realized the extent of Kokichi’s desperation. It’s not that he thinks Kokichi’s apology is insincere, but that he’s hardly heard him apologize for anything before, so Kokichi going this far has him realizing how bad things really are.

             The door rumbles and slides open when they approach, revealing the bright light of the log-out point that took Shuichi away every time, that would wake Kokichi up in his real body if he walked into it. Shuichi stops just a step away from it, biting his lip as if searching for something to say, but before he can find it, Kokichi reaches out to tug at his sleeve.

           “Shuichi?” he says, distant as the waves on the beach that he can still hear if he listens closely enough. Shuichi turns back toward him. “Before you go, can I be selfish one more time?”

           “Huh…?”

           Shuichi doesn’t move when Kokichi steps closer, reaches up to ghost his fingertips over Shuichi’s jaw and around the back of his neck. He lets Kokichi tilt his head downward, lets him hover inches away, close enough to feel their breath mingle in the night air. Kokichi pauses there to give him the chance to pull away. He doesn’t.

           So Kokichi closes his eyes and the distance between them.

             That last line is a ZEUGMA! It’s a literary device where one word refers to two more in a different way. A popular example is the hyenas’ line “Our teeth and ambitions are bared” from The Lion King. It’s my favorite grammatical trick and I’d love to see more of it in fanfic.

             Slowly, he slides his hand down to Shuichi’s shoulder, using it as leverage to push himself away. That hurts even more. He can’t seem to open his eyes, and he feels so weakened, breathless, fragile. Cracked open, hollowed out.

           When he finally does open his eyes, Shuichi’s are wide with some mix of astonishment and a dozen other emotions. Kokichi bows his head, taking a deep breath to ground himself. “Sorry,” he whispers. “I just wanted to know.”

           “Kokichi,” Shuichi breathes, like a bullet through his heart.

           “Goodbye, Shuichi,” Kokichi says, and shoves him into the light.

           Shuichi’s little yelp of surprise cuts off abruptly as he falls through the door, vanishing into the glow, and all too soon, Kokichi’s alone again in a dream that suddenly seems far too vast. Alone, with the faintest taste of Shuichi’s lips still lingering on his own.

           And he thinks, It was enough just to know you.

           It’s a lie.

             Nothing to say here except that this is my favorite scene and I’m so happy with how it turned out.

             Fake sun rises over fake ocean, fake seagulls glide through fake sky while fake wind tousles fake palm fronds. Kokichi lies on his stomach in the fake grass and talks to his fake family in the fake notebook. Gives them fake names and runs through everything he remembers about them. Apologizes, over and over, wishes he could hug each of them goodbye one last time. Wonders if it would be more painful to die or to never have existed at all.

           He leaves the notebook of his memories on the seat of one of the Ferris wheel cars on the fourth island, because one time he promised them they’d steal the London Eye together.

           He buys a can of fake soda from the fake convenience store on the first island and sits on the fake beach watching the fake waves. Wonders when he’d hit the end of the simulation if he started swimming, or if he’d drown first.

           White sand, blue sea, bluer sky. Washed out, like an amateur watercolor painting.

           He opens the soda can and raises it to his mouth, but … even the thought of drinking it makes him sick to his stomach. He sets it down in the sand and flicks it over, watching the bubbly liquid run down and sink into the sand. The color’s all wrong, like blood streaked against a metal floor.

           He walks the fake streets of the fifth island, passing fake skyscrapers and fake commuters and their fake conversations, until he finally stops outside the factory he’s never been able to bring himself to go into. Smells like oil, and metal and machines and he can hear the sounds and he’s immediately back in the hangar, dizzy on adrenaline and desperation and leaning heavily on Kaito so he doesn’t keel over and die then and there. Kaito says something about how maybe he should sit down for a minute, and Kokichi didn’t agree back then but he does now, goes down on all fours and dry heaves.

           When his vision solidifies and he can stop gasping for breath, he sits up and presses his back against the factory wall, covering his ears and hiding his face in his knees. Tries to convince himself not to imagine Shuichi’s there with him, holding his hand again, promising everything’s going to be okay.

           “I’ve got you. No one’s going to hurt you anymore,” or maybe, “Breathe with me, it’ll be over soon. You’re safe now.”

           I love you.

           He laughs until there’s nothing left in his lungs. He called these little daydreams obsession, before, but now they just seem sick and insane.

             I wanted to indicate throughout this scene that Kokichi’s gotten substantially worse. Instead of halfheartedly interacting with the NPCs or finding something to spend time doing, he’s aimlessly wandering the islands, focused on how fake all of it is. Not even talking to his sketches of DICE can make him feel better. The suicidal ideation starts to slip in even if he doesn’t realize it— a fixation on wondering what death is like, purposefully triggering himself by walking by the factory….

           The thing I want to talk about most though is the italicized I love you. I left it outside of quotation marks and dialogue tags on purpose because I wanted it to be ambiguous as to who’s saying it. If it’s Kokichi’s line, it’s sudden and almost out of place, like he couldn’t hold back from thinking it anymore. But it could be Shuichi saying it, too. Since it’s outside quotation marks, unlike the previous dream-Shuichi lines, it’s more vague, almost a whisper in Kokichi’s thoughts— like he can barely bring himself to imagine it and even feels guilty doing so, because there’s no way it could possibly be real.

           Which do you think?

           Eh, I don’t have an answer. When I hear it in my head, they say it at the same time.

             “How did you know?” he finally croaks.

           Shuichi’s breathing still sounds shaky, too. “Because you said ‘goodbye,’” he says.

           Kokichi finally looks up at him in a silent question.

           “You never say goodbye,” Shuichi says, rubbing his sleeve over his eyes. “It’s always….”

           “‘See you later,’” Kokichi finishes for him. Despite himself, a tiny huff of astonished laughter escapes him. “I didn’t even know, not until a couple of hours ago. And you figured it all out from one word?”

           Shuichi bites his lip at that. “You kissed me,” he says.

           Kokichi’s stomach twists and he looks away. “I said I was sorry—”

           “No.” Shuichi squeezes his hand into a fist and lets it fall to thump against Kokichi’s chest, like he’s trying to knock some sense into him. “It was so honest, and vulnerable, and… and I know how much you hate showing how you really feel.” Another tiny sob catches in his throat. “And so it felt like … like something you’d do if you weren’t going to s-see me again.”

           “Shuichi….” Kokichi trails off as Shuichi muffles his cries in his hand again. He’s so breathtakingly smart. There’s no one else in the world who thinks that way, no one else who could possibly be that attentive and that clever. Not a programmer, not a team of shrinks… how can an AI manage it? How is it that Shuichi always manages to take him by surprise? How can he see straight through him when he least expects it?

           Kokichi’s hand reaches up to Shuichi’s cheek. Reverently traces the path of the tears falling down it.

           “I wish you were real,” he confesses in a whisper.

             Kokichi’s stubborn. So, so stubborn. And he’s not used to being cared about, if the way he does everything by himself is any indication. So it makes sense to me that he’ll refuse to believe anything good can happen to him even in the face of convincing evidence. He’s pretty self-hating for someone so arrogant.

             Kokichi’s weak, deep down to his core, weak for this man. Already knows he’d do anything for him, and the thought is terrifying—that one person could have that much power over him, even if he doesn’t realize it.

           But what if he has realized it? Couldn’t this all be an elaborate ruse, a lie he knew Kokichi would be so desperate to believe that he wouldn’t bother questioning it?

           …Shuichi’s never hurt him, though. Only that one time, when he really deserved it. Shuichi wouldn’t … betray him, even for what he thinks is Kokichi’s own good. They’re… different from each other, that way.

           But still….

           “I’m so scared, Shuichi.” It’s barely a whisper. “I don’t want to be alone anymore.”

           “You won’t be.” It’s so hard to be skeptical, lost in his eyes. “I’ll be right there with you, for as long as you want. I won’t let you feel like this anymore.”

           Promise me, he wants to blurt out. Promise you’ll stay. Promise me you’ll never leave me, Shuichi, he wants to demand, but that’s wrong, that’s manipulative and selfish and everything he doesn’t want to be for Shuichi anymore.

           Shuichi, of course, says it anyway.

           “I promise, Kokichi.”

…        

           “Kiss me again,” he says. “Please?”

           Shuichi leans in close, then pauses, his brow furrowing the way it does when he catches him in a lie.

           “I’ll kiss you again in the real world,” Shuichi says. “Okay?”

           Kokichi shakes his head. “Shuichi, please.” Please, I don’t think I can do this. Please, I don’t want to wake up to a lie. Please, one last kiss for me to remember in case it was all fake.

           Shuichi reaches out to tilt his chin up and Kokichi closes his eyes, savoring every second, burning it into his memory.

           Shuichi’s soft breath ghosts over his lips.

           “Trust me,” he murmurs.        

           Kokichi’s eyes flutter back open, searching his face. Shifting him around on the white board in his head, seeing what categories he fits into this time. Weird, of course. Suspicious, maybe not. Trustworthy?

           Trustworthy….

           “I do trust you,” he realizes.

             Kokichi’s still hesitant to accept all of this— Shuichi kissing him didn’t magically fix everything. He’ll still doubt all the way to the log-out point, but at least now he realizes that this simulation is only hurting him— that if things are to get better they’re going to have to change, too. He’s got a long way to go before he’s all right, but he’s not going to have to face it alone anymore.

             And that’s a wrap!

           Once again, I’m really proud of this story, and I feel like I grew as a writer because of it. There are a few things I would change if I wrote it again, but for all its flaws it’s still my baby and I like how it turned out.

           Thanks again for all your support for “Hologram,” and thanks even more if you actually waded through all this nonsense of a director’s cut. It’s a huge confidence-boost to think that people liked what I wrote, and even wanted to hear what I had to say about it. If there’s any interest, I’d love to review some of my other fics here, or theorize or brainstorm or whatever else  you’re into. (Ask me what Byakuya’s Thing is in my superhero AU, I dare you 😉)

           I do have a WIP in my folder of bits and pieces currently titled “boy finally gets that kiss”, and it’s a post-Hologram scene from Shuichi’s point of view to just sorta… tie it all together, have them talk things over again… and kiss, of course. We’ll see if anything comes out of that.

           Until next time!

#Rov talks #Hologram #Saiouma #Oumasai #Behind the scenes #Director's cut #Fanfic review

[livetoday4tomorrow]

5 Types of Happiness Everyone Can Achieve

Introduction What is happiness? We all know what it feels like"a sense of joy, contentment, and well-being. But what causes these feelings? And why do they vary from person to person? There are many theories about happiness, but scientists have yet to come up with a definitive answer. However, some common themes come with happiness. Types of Happiness Here are five types of happiness that everyone can achieve with effort, time, and a positive mindset: 1. The happiness of accomplishment. This type of happiness comes from setting and achieving goals. It can be as simple as completing a long-overdue task of reaching a long-term goal, such as buying a house or starting a business. ● When you set goals and work hard to achieve them, you build self-confidence. It can lead to a sense of accomplishment and happiness. How do you set achievable goals to improve your overall happiness and well-being? ● First, you make a list of SMART goals. SMART goals are specific, measurable, attainable, relevant, and time-bound goals. Goals need to be specific. Otherwise, you won’t be able to measure your progress. ● If a goal is too vague, such as “I want to be rich,” it's difficult to stay motivated because you won’t know when you’ve achieved it. ● Your goals should also be achievable and realistic. Trying to lose 20 pounds in one week is probably not going to happen, and if it does, it won’t be sustainable. ● Relevant goals are important to you and your current lifestyle. A goal like “I want to buy a yacht” might not be relevant if you live in an apartment and can’t afford the maintenance costs. ● A time-bound goal has a deadline, so you can measure your progress. “I want to save $20,000 in the next year” is an example of a time-bound goal. ● For example, a SMART goal might look like this: I will start my business within the following year. You can make it even more specific by pinpointing the type of business you want to set up. Also, include a revenue target for the first year of operation. ● Remember, it’s important to have short-term and long-term goals to keep you motivated and happy. A short-term goal could be: “I will research business ideas for the next month.” ● Long-term goals could be: “I will start my freelance writing business within the next year and make $50,000 in revenue during the first year of operation.” ● When you break down your goals into smaller chunks, they become less daunting and achievable. ● Create a detailed action plan for the next few months to highlight the most important tasks you need to complete to achieve your goal. It will help you stay on track and make progress toward your goals. ● Finally, don’t forget to celebrate your accomplishments along the way! 2. The happiness of love and connection. This type of happiness comes from strong relationships with family, friends, and romantic partners. It’s the feeling you get when surrounded by people you love and who love you back. ● How can you achieve this type of happiness? The first step is to make time for the people in your life who matter most to you. If you’re always busy with work or other commitments, finding time for your loved ones can be challenging. ● Schedule regular catchups with friends and family members, even if it’s just a quick coffee or phone call. ● Make time for date nights or weekend getaways if you’re in a romantic relationship. It’s important to keep the spark alive and show your partner that you still care. Book a spa day with your partner and arrange game nights, romantic dinners, or movie nights. ● It’s also important to be supportive and understand when conflicts arise. Family members and friends are not perfect, just as you are not perfect. Be patient and try to see things from their perspective. ● Last, don’t forget to show your appreciation for the people in your life. A simple “thank you” or “I love you” can go a long way. A kind thank you note, a box of chocolates, or tickets to a theater show are excellent examples of how to show your loved ones how much you care. 3. The happiness of being in the moment. This type of happiness comes from enjoying the simple things in life and savoring special moments. It’s being present and living the moment instead of looking to the future or dwelling on the past. ● How can you achieve this type of happiness? One way to achieve this type of happiness is to be aware of your thoughts, feelings, and surroundings. It’s about living in the moment and not letting your mind wander. ● Another way to achieve this type of happiness is to savor special moments. When something good happens, take a moment to appreciate it fully. For example, if you’re on vacation and have a great time, take lots of photos and videos to remember the experience later. ● Also, live in the moment by focusing on the things you can control, such as how you react to situations and letting go of the things you can’t control. Examples of things you can’t control are the weather, other people’s actions, and traffic. ● Lastly, remember to enjoy the simple things in life. It could be something as small as taking a relaxing bath or reading your favorite book. The key is to take the time to appreciate the things that make you happy. 4. The happiness of personal growth. This type of happiness comes from a sense of progress and achievement. It’s the feeling you get when you reach a goal or accomplish something difficult. ● One way to achieve this type of happiness is to challenge yourself. If you’re always doing the same things, it's easy to get bored and feel you’re not making any progress. ● Challenging yourself can help you learn new things and feel a sense of accomplishment. It can also help you build confidence and self-esteem. ● One way to challenge yourself is to take on a new hobby or activity that you’re unfamiliar with. Another way is to set higher standards in your current hobbies or activities. For example, if you’re a runner, challenge yourself to run a longer distance or a faster time. 5. The happiness of charity. This type of happiness comes from giving back and helping others. It’s the feeling you get when you make a difference in someone else’s life. ● One way to achieve this type of happiness is by volunteering your time or donating money to a cause that you care about. ● Volunteering your time can help you feel connected to a larger community and make a difference in someone else’s life. Donating money can also help you feel good about yourself while supporting a cause that’s important to you. ● Another way to achieve this type of happiness is to do something nice for someone else. It could be something as small as holding the door open for someone or giving a compliment. These random acts of kindness can make someone’s day and make you feel good at the same time. ● You can also achieve this type of happiness by being there for someone when they need you. If a friend is going through a tough time, offer your support. If you have a skill or talent that could help someone, offer your help. Conclusion Happiness is achievable. These are just a few of the many ways you can achieve happiness. The key is to find what works for you and make it a part of your life. Experiment with different activities and behaviors until you find something that makes you happy. Then, make it a habit to do those things regularly. Soon, you’ll be on your way to a happier and more fulfilling life. Read the full article