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kidmachinate · 3 years
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Anhedonia
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The first of the trilogy. So let's do this thing…
Little did I know there was a word so fitting to go along with my feelings during usual bouts of depression and/or anxiety, combined with an existential crisis. Here we are. The thing is...how do you explain to someone you just don't feel anymore? You have to feel something, right? Turns out you don't. Go figure. 
It can drive you bonkers, eh? So you miss things that are in front of you. Life continues to pass you by and you continue to question why you're even doing anything. This is all without the inclusion of suicidal ideation. Or perhaps that is what some mean when they say they rather just not be here. Maybe, perhaps, they are trying just to figure out how to be here. It's all a similar problem but if the ideations mentioned is added to it all, I'd encourage you to hold onto the bit of light you have left and call a hotline. You're worth it. Someone, somewhere will miss you. You just may not know it.
Not knowing is almost a non-point though. Even if you did know, would you care. The fucks are gone in every aspect. It is just you and your thoughts. What if it is someone else? How do you bring back the feels? You can't. If someone has no desire to feel, they won't. Now, one can always be one heck of a con artist and switch it on and off, but assuming you're not, this is tricky for anyone to deal with.
Perhaps the country has brought upon these feelings as the majority of us now see first hand, how little we truly are. It is why we've always gotta have our own back. Hold onto to our own hopes, dreams, and inspirations...but how can you? Nothing pleases you any longer. You've all but gone hollow. Given the theme of this blog, I won't be going anywhere. Why and for what purpose? Maybe someday I'll find out.
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kidmachinate · 3 years
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Assimilation
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The internet is the best thing to happen to the world in a long time. With great power however comes great responsibility. We swear we like the internet and its sea of information, yet clickbait articles designed to get our attention, or titles on YouTube videos attract us and become fuel. Fuel for whatever argument you spent the whole day making. Validation of sorts.
I’d like to bring everyone’s attention (which is a huge ask in today’s world) to a process of assimilation. Where we actually fact check, check multiple sources, go outside of the tunnel vision within our own thought process or articles that prove us “right” when they are only made to get your attention...and they did. Sometimes these articles are wrong. If they are credible, they will go back and fix it. Then what? Your point isn’t valid now, right? Facts proved you wrong? But you’ll still keep going. Why? There’s better uses of your time, I promise. I’ll fully admit I’m wasting mine right now focusing on ones who might be “stuck” in these ways but hey, you’re here for this, right? Unfiltered and uncut? Let’s move on.
Let’s get very specific here. I know this will get the attention of guilty parties should they choose to read this. Hell, anyone is probably guilty at one point. We want to be loyal to a political party, a brand, and so on. Do you have stock in it? Most people, that answer is no. So what do you care? You’re not in the company’s best interest. I got sidetracked. 
We are entering a new console cycle for gaming. Without getting into a whole lot of detail, the “war” is a joke and we have two companies in “competition” Microsoft and Sony, and the other doing fine in their own lane, Nintendo. May I ask a perfectly legitimate question? What is the point in calling a friend to ask about how they feel about an announcement, as if to lure into a false sense of security that meanful discussion will take place, just to then turn around and completely shit on something they just expressed enjoyment for? Does that make you feel good as a person? Do you also own a Hummer? You should. Do you pat yourself on the back every time a new console game comes out with impressive graphics, but your glorious "PC Master Race" computer will always do it better? Congrats. I got angry, I apologize.
When did it get this bad? Everything has to be overanalyzed to the point where it is more about specs, company practices, etc, then just having fun. One might say I’m willingly blinding myself to the truth in the process. That would be true if I didn’t keep up with things. Unfortunately, many AAA gaming companies have cases of allegations and downright toxic work settings. That doesn’t suddenly go away. What does go away is my choosing to remind myself about it all on a daily basis and focus on why I got into gaming. To play the stuff I like. Sometimes it sucks. I remember that too. I’m open to the conversations but I’m not willing to let it have this hold on me. I’ll make it public here and now, without detail, that I don’t think Ocarina of Time is the “best game of all time” nor do I really even like it all that much. If they remake it at some point, I’m not gonna go ahead and ask someone what they think just to turn around and say how lazy Nintendo is for doing that instead of something new, for example.
Gaming just happens to be a common topic where I deal with this problem that extends to so much more. Politics. What type of computer you own. What music you listen to. Literally anything that involves some sort of choice. Especially in COVID-19 times, why are we choosing more hate instead of acceptance? It this stuff makes you feel good to do to others, it’s time for a reality check and a change of perspective. Embrace the process of gathering various information from different sources before having a discussion with someone. This way you’re better informed and can have a friendly debate. 
Embrace the process of assimilation. Otherwise, you're simply being an ass.
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