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sailoms · 2 years

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thing is!! A-xu isn't even mad about his "evil" plan bc it's "evil" (tho wkx interprets it that way! 😭) He's mad bc A. He's not about that life anymore (not in a moral judgement way but in a IM RETIRED!! I WANT TO SETTLE DOWN and SLEEP way) and B. He doesn't want wkx to be hurt by the consequences. This is a parallel to caoxiang, how cao weining tells a-xiang he isn't judging her for killing, he fears for how it might effect her if she took innocent lives. This is a similar moment where wenzhou are just not on the same page. But it's not that zzs disapproves of revenge, he actually fully supports wkx in this, he just wants to make sure he's not making a mistake that's only going to hurt him in the end. I love them 🥺

anonie, i dont even know where and how to start my answer cus THERE ARE TOO MUCH STUFFS RUNNING IN MY HEAD WHEN I READ UR ASK BUT OK if this turns into an essay, forgive me 😭

1) the first, like, three sentences u said. i tried to summarize it for that wkx gif when he looked shooketh at ah xu's reaction BUT I WAS STRESSED OUT BY TOPAZ LAB and i was upset cus this gifset took too long for me to do despite my love for this project. additionally, the explanations gon be too long to put into the gif. thus, i didnt deliver it well cus i just chose the easiest word to describe that look but I ACTUALLY MEANT WHAT U ELABORATED ABOVE THANK U FOR REACHING OUT TO ME ABOUT IT 💖

the point is ah xu had the same experience of taking the wrong decision and the consequence that came after it -> he saw the same pattern in lao wen -> he got reminded of his past and the effect that took toll on him physically and mentally -> he got angry out of anxiety and worry cus that lao wen's gonna taste his own meds too and he wouldnt be able to bear the sight of him suffering.

2) he emphasized it too in the later ep after wkx spat blood due to shen shens confrontation. he didnt want more sin on lao wen's hand, he would help him take revenge on zhao jing and would stay as his advocate/consultant, whatever; who to be taken care of and who shouldnt. as long as all those choices wouldnt hurt lao wen in the future.

most "break up" moments between wenzhou were actually just both of em being not in the same page but the root of all his behavior was mainly

3) ah xu's motherly sense. what wkx said about him being soft-hearted, to me, later got translated as, like, a motherly love??? wkx is a literal child, both in his human wen mode and chief of ghost mode. he is a child in a 30 yo body, ngl as i rewatched the drama three times, i couldnt stop thinking about what my psychologist friend told me.

wen kexing is an overpowered baby with an adult tantrum, thats why he went around the town killing whoevers standing in his way.

and that makes sense cus he spent his childhood without parents and grew up in an environment thats not so child-friendly obviously. hes not used to expressing his emotions too (cus even before his parents died, he had to help his mom take care of his injured dad like he dont have time for tANtRum), thats why he blew up here and there cus he didnt know exactly how to vent?? plus, hes fighting the effect of the lethe water to his mind so, he was mentally exhausted.

and then appeared ah xu, who took care of him so patiently and always came back to him to stay and fix his mistake, to remind him of the consequence every time he went ballistic, and to stand with him against whoever that's against him, even ye baiyi the immortal.

i thought, ah xu became like a mother figure too who didnt want to see his "child" went astray and suffered after that. it's just his protectiveness that took the control and rationality. he cared so much about lao wen to the point of jumping into death to try to save him and he didnt even hesitate to fight a powerful immortal. he's so ready to fight fate fr. didnt say fathers cant be like this but in my experience, its more eminent in mothers. ah xu was so calm that hearing his name already eased lao wen's frantic mind.

(BET IF WEN KEXING LOST HIS HAIRPIN OR SHIT HED JUST GO "ah xu do u see my hairpin?" "its on the table" "no, i already looked there. theres nothing" then ah xu sighed and walked toward the said table and held up the hairpin like "tHerES nOtHinG -_-")

#ask inc.#from: anonie #wenzhou #ANONIE IM SORRY THIS TURNS INTO AN ESSAY FR

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mejomonster · 1 year

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Meta about Tao Ran, Luo Wenzhou, and Fei Du. Especially their states at the beginning of the novel.

I talked about this yesterday but tumblr ate it. How like. Luo Wenzhou doesn't handle his work stress entirely emotionally ordinary, by mainly imprinting on Fei Du as the one person he does Still irrationally try to be The Hero for, while simultaneously reminding himself he can never be one. By attaching to Tao Ran, a work partner, like a spouse replacement for years. Because Luo Wenzhou wants love and a family but he is aware of the stress and danger of work, and Tao Ran can meet those needs without Luo Wenzhou being a burden, without Luo Wenzhou worrying about Tao Ran too much cause Tao Ran is just making the same risks he is with the same training - and as far as Luo Wenzhou knows, less risk since Tao Ran actually sees a doctor when he's injured. And later as Luo Wenzhou clings to Fei Du instead, fei du is the One Civilian that Luo Wenzhou never managed to keep a healthy distance from. The one victim on a case he got way too involved with and could never stop caring about on a very personal level, one of the cases he'd keep contemplating and investigating for years.

It makes sense Luo Wenzhou could attach to Tao Ran, then over time transition that uses Fei Du, his "obsession," as the outlet for his desire for home and love and a romantic partner (it also makes sense he's SO Babying to Fei Du in comparison to Tao Ran who Luo Wenzhou also spoiled with gifts and acts of service but never scolded or Overdid it like he does with Fei Du - in Luo Wenzhous mind, Fei Du is a victim he's Still trying to protect and care about and make up for things and His Personal Responsibility to protect even though rationally they're equal adults now and Fei Du could be as responsible as Tao Ran for his own safety, and because Fei Du IS a civilian and isn't trained like Luo Wenzhou and even as an equal adult there is the very real fear Luo Wenzhou will die on duty and leave Fei Du behind or that Fei Du will get hurt or worse just being near him. Which is heavily reinforced by Fei Du saving him from the bomb).

So that's how Luo Wenzhou handles it. Tao Ran? He handles it the most like the typical detective self sacrificing kind hearted hero mold. If Luo Wenzhou handles it by being overly caring and needing a lover/substitute to cling to and be there for, Tao Ran handles it by pushing those he loves away. Tao Ran doesn't want to be a burden on others, doesn't think he can live up to Hero any more than Luo Wenzhou and like Luo Wenzhou thinks he'd fail too (his girlfriends little sister being kidnapped was in some ways Tao Ran's case of trying so hard to save a victim for a loved one and failing because the harm happened at all even if the little girl was saved - the way Fei Du was that case for Luo Wenzhou). Tao Ran doesn't cling to his girls life afterward to be overly protective of her, he doesn't get parental over her little sister.

He saw Luo Wenzhou with Fei Du (and push Tao Ran to) and he knows it's not healthy or normal to do it now. He doesn't want a reminder he failed that family, he doesn't want to be near that family in the irrational fear it may put them closer to the danger around him. He thinks if he dies he'd rather its alone and no one feels bad. He responds to the emotional fears of his work by isolating and rejecting love and connection. By feeling guilty.

In light of seeing this about Tao Ran, it's less of a surprise he's okay with Luo Wenzhou and Fei Du both drifting away as they have. Luo Wenzhou was clinging to him as a spouse replacement, and that meant while Luo Wenzhou understood their jobs, there was still on some level someone to utterly crush if Tao Ran died or got hurt. And considering what a Hero Luo Wenzhou irrationally tries to be, he would feel guilty and crushed if Tao Ran was injured cause of a decision Luo Wenzhou ordered, even if they both know its a normal risk. It's good that Luo Wenzhou has Fei Du close now too, so his whole World isn't fucked if Tao Ran makes a mistake and gets hurt. At least letting Luo wenzhou get closer to Fei Du (even overprotectively projecting on Fei Du) it at least gives his best friend additional outside emotional support besides just coworkers all in the same danger.

In Tao Rans eyes it's a good thing his loner best friend is connecting to someone (even though hypocritically Tao Ran doesn't think He should be connecting to anyone - even though it'd Help Tao Ran to do so, even though it'd be better not to carry these burdens all alone with no support, but he's the stoic Standard Detective Hero type, of course he pushes people away). And of course Tao Ran is okay with Fei Du pulling away as he has, focusing on Luo Wenzhou more. Luo Wenzhou was always the one pushing Tao Ran to helicopter parent Fei Du, was why Tao Ran got so deeply tied up in that ill advised decision to try and help raise a victim from a case they should've maintained a more professional distance from at least if their colleagues had known more.

To Tao Rans mind, Fei Du relied on TAO RAN to be his source of a normal childhood, a safe stable ALIVE parental figure. Tao Ran was rhe one Fei Du tried to protect, caretake with acts of service, and in a way it felt like Fei Du trying to save his "mom figure" and get his mom figures love won over, the way he felt he couldn't with his own mom. Tao Ran was that replacement, that projection. And Tao Ran is afraid of that - of a loved one close to him. A loved one who can be crushed if Tao Ran gets hurt or dies. Fei Du clinging that much to Tao Ran must have been terrifying, for years. This poor little teenager that he could let down, that he could make the world crumble over if he got hurt (and who knows- maybe Luo Wenzhou suspects Tao Ran has a propensity to isolate and try to shoulder all burdens and danger alone, and that's partly why Luo Wenzhou made Tao Ran the proxy between him and Fei Du... to make Tao Ran attach to someone, make Tao ran have a reason to NOT get hurt, to NOT self sacrifice too much, if not for Luo wenzhou his best friend but who understands becoming obsessed with a case, then for Fei Du their "kid").

The thing about Silent Reading is that when the dynamics start, they've already been very specifically building for 7 years and all three of them contributed to the messy tied up way they were all relating at the novel's start. For Tao Ran, Fei Du finally attaching his idea of a "parent who cared for him" and "loved one he'd do anything not to lose" onto Luo Wenzhou instead as Fei Du learns Luo wenzhou did so much for him, as Tao Ran rejects his pursuit, is all a good thing. Because Luo Wenzhou is human too, is failable, but in Tao Rans eyes Luo Wenzhou is "better at holding up the world" and better at using it as a blanket when the sky falls. He's better at reaching out to others for help than Tao Ran, better at somehow succeeding in awful situations, better at emotionally connecting to someone enough to Dare to live up to "surviving for them" - with the way Luo Wenzhou already tries to for Tao Ran, and has tried for Fei Du for years.

All these fears or Tao Rans, Luo Wenzhou was already resolute to do for Fei Du - so he's the perfect person for Fei Du to transition toward instead. In Tao Rans eyes, when Fei Du took a bomb for Luo Wenzhou? He must've been so afraid that could've been him crying, him waiting helplessly to find out if Fei Du was going to live again when his heart stopped, sitting with the Fact Fei Du could die Because of him. Because Fei Du loves him. As awful as the entire sequence of events must have been for Tao Ran, I think he's deathly afraid he could've been in Luo Wenzhous position... and he never wants to be. Tao Ran would die for his loved ones, or even a stranger. But he deeply fears being the person a loved one dies for, or the person who dies and leaves behind someone in as much pain as Luo Wenzhou was that day in the hospital.

And that leads me, finally, to Fei Du. In retrospect, now when I look at the beginning of the novel? I realize Fei Du probably was lying to Tao Ran, lying to us the audience, all a bit. He says in the intro to the novel that he's afraid of change, that he wants to keep his home/family (which we presume is Tao Ran close to him) as long as he can. That he fears change, but he's trying to work on accepting change as inevitable, as okay and natural. And there's both a truth and lie in that. Fei Du DOES want to cling to his happy safe warm family - which IS Tao Ran and Luo Wenzhou. But Fei Du already thinks things have changed. Tao Ran liking a girl is not actually the catalyst of the change, it was happening before that.

And it was started by Fei Du. What he's most afraid of losing - his "home" Luo Wenzhou and Tao Ran? Fei Du is the one who already started in motion the events that will cause him to lose it. And Fei Du knows that. And on some level he's clinging to Tao Ran, deciding to "pursue him seriously" as a way to retain his "home" as long as he can despite his own actions meaning he's going to lose this stability and warmth he cherishes so much.

At the Start of the novel, Fei Du is already doing maneuvers to cling to Luo Wenzhou - partly aware that he is, and more aware when Tao Ran lets him know all the "warmth" from his teen years actually secretly came from Luo Wenzhou. That the home he is desperate to enjoy while he still has it, is Luo Wenzhou. Because 3 years before the novel, his dad goes into a coma and he takes over the company and his revenge plot kicks off in earnest with him being An Adult now and him genuinely being able to start investigating without his Father to impede him, him genuinely being able to violently harm others that allied with his dad now that his dad is taken out of the picture.

That's when his relationship with Luo Wenzhou deteriorates - for many related reasons. He's an adult now, and now his violent claims about wanting to kill and hurt people sound like an actual threat and danger you'd arrest instead of a teenager of abuse lashing out the only way they know how to see if they'll be abandoned or get any power by doing it (fei du lashing out as a teen was like su luozhan, but as an adult he's like the murderer of the first case - a rich adult who is in full control of their life and if they choose to harm its entirely their choice).

And Luo Wenzhou is already grieving his own dead mentor at the same time, and fei du is lashing out still while there's the very suspicious obvious elephant in the room that Fei Du insists maybe he DID try to kill his dad, or kill any people. And Luo Wenzhou having to make the horrible choice to NOT investigate him. Wwhat's the morality of that decision, the logic to ignore the obvious suspect just cause Luo wenzhou loves him too much? Or maybe Luo painfully DID privately investigate if fei du DID do it, and then finally decided he wasn't sure or that Fei Du probably didn't and if he did then he's skilled enough to hide it, and then Luo wenzhou very bravely terrifyingly had to decide to keep loving fei du anyway at that point, supporting him anyway, despite knowing there was a Considerable chance he's decided to love a man and Trust a man to be good who could well be as awful as any murderer he catches.

Fei Du is lashing out insisting he'd hurt and kill, is in part him desperate TO still be honest to Luo Wenzhou. He DOES want to give Luo Wenzhou his actual honesty, not break the trust. Whereas Tao Ran he's afraid will leave him if he talked about that stuff. With Luo Wenzhou, Fei Du feels if Luo does leave him then he deserves it. Then he deserves to be abandoned, then its like his mom leaving. Then he doesn't deserve to keep his "happy home" anymore.

He wants his happy home (Luo Wenzhou) desperately, but Fei Du is also aware his revenge plot WILL make him lose it. So he lashes out, to see if Luo Wenzhou will leave him faster and then at least fei du is "emotionally controlling" when he leaves, can be more emotionally prepared for the loss. But also cause he hates that he's lying to Luo, and even these lashing outs are at least half-truths, at least Luo wenzhou knows who Fei Du REALLY is when fei du says such awful things. And then Luo Wenzhou doesn't reject him for those awful words, doesn't arrest him despite the risk of "theoretically" mentioning crimes, and Fei Du emotionally clings tighter. Cause this warm happy welcoming home KEEPS letting him in, even when he's worse.

Even when he's an adult with his plan in motion. Even when he's everything Luo Wenzhou seems to hate, abhor, disapprove of. Luo Wenzhou is nothing like his own father: he lets Fei Du do his own thing even with all it might be against him, he loves Fei Du and only cares and supports even when he's mad, even when it's in secret, he seems to be unable to be so disappointed in Fei Du as to stop loving him. In a way even more emotionally secure and unconditionally loving then Fei Dus own mom (his last "home" before Luo).

It's no wonder Luo Wenzhou is a temptation of life saving water in the desert that Fei Du could never refuse, never resist clinging to and desperately drinking. Even knowing he will lose his home with Luo one day, when the lies grow too far, when Fei Du becomes monstrous like his dad in a way and kills in revenge, when he's no longer in a category Luo Wenzhou can accept and let stay in their home anymore.

So 3 years ago the wheels start - if Luo wenzhou was a secret caretaker, scolding parent before, then when Fei Du takes his dad's company, Luo wenzhou becomes a stranger who knows its wrong on some level to simply keep trusting Fei Du is a good person (and according to even Fei Du its a wrong judgement - he is planning to kill and be everything Luo Wenzhou SHOULD stop). So Luo Wenzhou pulls away a bit, but still can't secretly stop caring. So what does Young adult fei du do? Even knowing his actions are why they're starting to separate and will fully split one day? He starts pursuing Tao Ran romantically. It means getting to see Luo Wenzhou regularly, ask about how he is through Tao Ran, care about someone Luo Wenzhou also loves (while it's "love rival" to Luo its also showing Fei Du still has the capacity to be "good" and normal and caring to others - like Luos best friend). It means Luo Wenzhou still argues with him over things Fei Du won't be rejected over - yes they argue over murder now, but they also argue over Fei Du flirting with Tao Ran, and the flirting gets Luo Wenzhou to competitively flirt, and that means arguing with Fei Du about mundane safe ordinary civilian shit. That means seeing Fei Du as a love rival, a person, and not always a monster.

Pursuing Tao Ran indirectly drags Luo Wenzhou BACK INTO FEI DUS LIFE, back into arguing with Fei Du regularly and scolding him like a parent and treating him like his bad behaving kid - Luos kid. A person Luo Wenzhou can love unconditionally, can care for no matter what. And that's what Fei Du craves. He craves Luo Wenzhou seeing him as human, Luo wenzhou loving him unconditionally (more than anyone else in the world loves fei du), Luo wenzhou clinging back to him even if it's by scolding or insisting Fei Du grow up to be a good man and Believing he can be. He craves Luo Wenzhou being close and caring and believing him. And pursuing Tao Ran is an excellent way to get that.

And when Tao Ran rejects him, and Fei Du finds out flirting with Luo Wenzhou gets similar results? Of course Fei Du keeps flirting. It's not even about if he likes him at all romantically, or if he's even considered actually wanting to have sex with him. The most basic desire is Fei Du WANTS Luo Wenzhou to keep being his home. And for so long they've only been able to talk by "battling." First, battling morality with a teen, Luo Wenzhou always took Fei Du as his person anyway. Then as an adult, the reality was battling made them incompatible - their morals and end goals for moral choices Are Incompatible.

Then pursuing Tao Ran, Fei Du was able to make the battles a fight over Tao Ran, which was not as incompatible, so Luo Wenzhou was talking to him again. Considering him as an option to know again. Then? Flirting with Luo Wenzhou gave Fei Du an access point to get closer and closer into Luo Wenzhous life, into his work and house, into his family unit, and for Fei Du the flirting battle to see who'd take control in their pursuit of each other was just a constant positive.

When Luo Wenzhou pursued him back? Even better, now Luo Wenzhou was deepening the establishment of them together as "home" too. The distance from 3 years ago between them, getting smaller and smaller. Luo Wenzhou trusting him more and more, giving Fei Du what he craves most: Luo Wenzhou accepting him. Taking him. Them having a home with each other.

But it's a double edged sword. It's what Fei Du wants. But again, Fei Du also knows he plans to kill and that morally his secret plan right now is incompatible with the man Luo Wenzhou wants him to be and believes he is - trusts him to be. Luo Wenzhou trusts him to ultimately be a good and kind man, to ultimately not cross certain lines, trusts him even when the evidence points to contrary. But Fei Du can never give him that: and in a way it parallels how Luo Wenzhou originally tried to be the Super Hero guardian angel who saves young Fei Du and can never live up to that and fails him, and fails him endlessly except in the fact he keeps Trying to care for him. It's the act of caring about Fei Du that matters. Even though he'll always fail to save him.

Well it's the same in reverse for Fei Du. He knows even as a child, he wasn't who Luo Wenzhou thought he was. He was the child who killed small animals, who was afraid he'd kill Luo Yiguo and desperately gave him away to protect him, who's still scared he'll react badly and kill the cat when he visits Luo Wenzhou (and of course it's symbolic and Huge that Luo Wenzhou took in and protected what Fei Du was afraid he'd kill, that Fei Du getting closer to Luo Wenzhou and making a home with him means exposing himself to the risk of killing that which he loves most - destroy the cat, destroy the home and trust he made with Luo Wenzhou, the person he tried so hard to be FOR Luo Wenzhou, the person he's going to FAIL to be eventually). Luo Wenzhou thought he was a kid like Su Luozhan lashing out violently from trauma, but didn't think Fei Du had already killed like she had. Luo Wenzhou thinks he's a calculated man, but he refuses to believe Fei Du is really ploting violence and murder like the people Luo Wenzhou arrests (like in case 1).

Fei Du KNOWS he's not the man Luo Wenzhou needs him to be (just like Luo Wenzhou can never be the Guardian Angel able to truly save Fei Du). But Fei Du still wants to try to be, as long as he can, and it's the act of trying that is his love. He wants to be the man who rescues people and saves them, who feeds Luo Yiguo instead of hurting him, who lives up to Luo Wenzhou's trust and faith in him. And like Luo Wenzhou the Hero, Fei Du also cannot live up to that role he wants to fill. He is the monster in his mind, the bad guy who lies, the one who will betray Luo Wenzhou and can't change his goals now - can't be a different person, can't stop caring about his revenge, can't be who Luo Wenzhou thinks he is.

He can't really ever be the silly child who goofed off that Luo Wenzhou assumes he was - fei du already failed to be it, so he lied to Luo wenzhou and pretended he was. He can't be the person now who's honest with Luo Wenzhou.

And the painful thing is they both know it: fei du is the "scoundrel" who still lies and misdirects when they have heart to hearts now, even though they're lovers now he Still weasels out of admitting the truth of who he is and was and will be. Because Fei Du would rather be the jerk who doesn't open up emotionally and plays games with Luo, than the monster who's not even like the human Luo Wenzhou thinks he is. Who can't even be a normal child for Luo Wenzhou, or a normal civilian adult with no ill intent.

They both know when Fei Du sits in their house and is asked a question and Luo Wenzhou realizes he's afraid to be honest to fei du cause he also suspects fei du will do bad things with the info. So Luo wenzhou risks trusting first, tells fei du the secrets he has. And fei du loves and cherishes that trust. But horrifically knows he can't give that back. Fei Du thinks if he truly gives it back, he'll be a person Luo Wenzhou can't love anymore.

He fears if he tells Luo Wenzhou what he was really like growing up, that Luo Wenzhou will reject him, be disgusted and terrified like the cops all were of Su Luozhan. He fears if he tells Luo Wenzhou the truth now, it will crush Luo Wenzhou to have to arrest him. To have to chase him for a crime, face of against him in a real battle. The final battle. The battle where Fei Du loses Luo Wenzhou his home, loses the lie he's been maintaining through it that he's an ordinary person and not so changed by who he is that he's unable to be in their world. Lose Luo Wenzhous lie that he can save Fei Du by caring for him. They'll both lose their lies that being together maintains, that comforts themselves and each other. The reality they Made into real Enough by being together.

Fei Du knows for all he desperately wants this, that it's always been fleeting and at risk of being lost. Like his mom felt in retrospect. Now Luo Wenzhou is the person he's always wanted around and known would not always be. This is the fear Fei Du mentions at the start of the novel, and the thing is he's already always been the kind of person that he feels will be unable to keep this home.

#silent reading #modu #lb #meta #fei du #luo wenzhou #tao ran #zhoudu

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