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elmomachete · 5 years

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Wrestlemania XXXV Predictions.

Yeah, yeah, they don’t use the Roman numerals anymore. They don’t even use regular numerals. Humor me, it’s out of habit. I actually watched most of NXT Takeover last night, mostly live. I’m still not entirely sold on Blackochet or Matt Riddle, but the War Raiders and Velveteen Dream are the tittyballs and so were both matches. I fell asleep during the UK Championship match and intended to finish the show this morning, but then the results were spoiled for me by Cageside Seats in article headlines. Weak sauce, gentlemen. The weakest of sauces. Oh well, I’ll finish the show eventually. Anyway, with a 42 match card, the pre-show is liable to start any minute now so I better get these predictions up before all the poor souls in New Jersey (I’m sorry, I meant “New York”) start freezing their asses off. Let’s get prognosticating, shall we? Fabulous Moolah Memorial Women’s Battle Royale Totally not promoting human trafficking since 2018. Who won last year, Naomi? It’ll be tough to live up to those standards. I’ll go with Lacey Evans as the winner, because I’m sure that makes sense as a payoff to her coming out, doing nothing, turning around and walking to the back in Crazy Uncle Vinny’s mind. It’d be nice to give Asuka something after her seemingly random dethroning, but Lacey seems more predictably random. Cruiserweight Championship: Tony Nese vs. Buddy Murphy (c.) 205 Dead Crowd. I watched the Cruiserweight match from the Rumble pre-show the other day, and Buddy Murphy seems like a pretty good wrestleperson. Let’s say he retains, because he’s marrying Alexa Bliss and the company still loves her even though she’ll probably never wrestle again. Andre Roussimoff Memorial Battle Royale (ARMBaR) Just look what it did for Mojo Rawley! How can they make up for having Braun Strowman win the tag titles with a ten year old last year? Have him feud with two schmucks from Saturday Night Live so WWE can end up on a legitimate sports program the next morning! So either he wins, or after he eliminates the aforementioned schmucks he eliminates himself and chases them to the back leaving it open for (randomly points at list of entrants with eyes closed) Curtis Axel to win. Side thought: I think next year they should bring back Nicholas and rehire Matt Striker, putting them against the Bar, the Usos and the New Day. Striker can tutor the kid on the road, and putting them over the entire division will really solidify Nicholas’ legacy as an undefeated two-time tag team champion. Raw Tag Team Championships: Zack Ryder and Curt Hawkins vs. the Revival (c.) The Battle of the WWE Random Name Generator Recipients! ...good lord, they’re actually giving the Edgeheads a Mania match? For the titles? I know the belts don’t matter and that maybe a dozen people give a rat’s ass about both teams combined, but still - Ryder and Hawkins’ whole shtick is that they never win. That ALWAYS gets over. So obviously they have to win here to get their “Wrestlemania Moment,” in their “home state” of “New York.” Smackdown Tag Team Championships: Nakamusev vs. the Bar vs. Blackochet vs. the Usos (c.) Aren’t I so witty with my portmanteau tag team names? I’m glad Wikipedia exists to not only tell me all 107 matches, but to remind me that yes, the Usos are tag champs again. What with them losing in Brooklyn, I expect Black and Ricochet to win the titles to start off their big show (no, not that one) debut with a bang and to finally tie them to Smackdown instead of Raw. they’ll have better matches on that show anyway. Or the Usos retain because they’re related to the Rock, who cares. Shane McMahon vs. the Miz Because Super Shane needs to get his annual hyperventilating stunt show in. God bless the Miz, he may be the best company man since John Cena for doing whatever stupid shit they come up with for him. Case in point: this fucking match. Does anyone besides Shane or Vince give two shits about this? Logic says the Miz wins because he’s (somehow) the babyface, so I’ll say Shane wins and the Miz’s dad hugs him afterwards because even though his son main evented Wrestlemania and defeated John Cena (there he is again) and got married to a smokin’ hot model and had a kid, NOW he’s finally proud of him because he put up a valiant effort against the 50 year old son of the owner of the company. Women’s Tag Team Championships: the IIconics vs. Nia Jax and Tamina vs. Beth Phoenix and Natalya vs. the Boss n’ Hug Connection (c.) Who’s got the worse name, the Australians or the champions? I guess Trish and Lita said no, so they dusted Beth Phoenix off and pretend she’s important enough to justify her Hall of Fame induction. Nia and Tamina suck, Billie and Peyton don’t matter, Beth won’t be around the next day and I can’t see them changing the titles so soon after creating them. Bayley and Sasha retain. Kurt Angle vs. Baron Corbin John Cena Oh, shut up. You know it’s going to happen. Cena beats up Corbin on the way to the ring, spouts some jargon about hustling respect loyally, he drags Angle through three minutes of suck hoping he doesn’t accidentally kill him, somebody wins and they both go away. (Flips a coin) Cena wins, LOL. AJ Styles vs. Randy Orton Fighting because reasons! Um... let’s say AJ wins, because Orton is a made man and they wanna thank AJ for not leaving for All Elite Wrestling (what a terrible name). Christ, how many pointless matches could they trim to make this a show of reasonable length? Not everybody needs a Wrestlemania payday... do those even exist anymore with the Network? United States Championship: Rey Mysterio vs. Samoa Joe (c.) I’ve got nothing sarcastic to say about this match, I’m actually looking forward to it somewhat. Rey Mysterio can still go, and although people say Joe has lost a step since coming to WWE I’m actually a bigger fan of him now than ever. I think he’s benefited a lot from having to tone it down and only do two or three big spots in matches as opposed to a billion, although whether that’s due to the restrictions of the “WWE Style” or age/injuries is up for debate (I felt the same about Cesaro slowing it down going from Ring of Honor to WWE). Rey can survive a loss here and I think they wanna get as much out of Joe while they still can, so he retains. WWE Championship: Kofi Kingston vs. the New Daniel Bryan (c.) Remember when the “World” title wasn’t likely to be in the middle of the show? As much as I’d hate to see the Hempyweight Championship belt go (and no matter what it’ll eventually have to), I think the crowd would riot if Kofi didn’t win. So I reckon Kofi wins, then Big E. and Xavier turn on him right afterwards to piss the crowd off right after throwing them a bone. Y’know what? I think it would be interesting to see a riot at a wrestling show. Fans have threatened it with signs ever since Cena vs. Van Dam, but we’ve never actually seen one. It’d certainly be a “Wrestlemania Moment.” Roman Reigns vs. Drew McIntyre Yay, Roman’s back! And he’s not in the main event again! Yet! I’m as glad as anyone that Reigns seems to have beaten leukemia, but the entire feud with Drew seems like something they threw together at the last minute because they didn’t expect him to come back so soon. I can never tell if they’re behind Drew or not, they seem to change their minds every other week. Roman wins, obviously, then probably goes right back into the Universal title picture. Triple H vs. Batista The epic final battle between Drax the Destroyer and whatever Triple H’s character was called in Blade 3. I’m interested in this match due to sheer sideshow curiosity. Big Dave hasn’t wrestled in however long, and last time Hunter wrestled he ripped a titty off his chest in the beginning of the match. I have enough faith that’ll it be something watchable at least, Triple H’s match with Angle and Rousey was good last year. Batista wins and rides off into the sunset, and Trips “retires” for about a year. Let’s give it a year and a half if we’re being generous. Universal Championship: Seth Rollins vs. Brock Lesnar (c.) Prediction for number of German suplexes: 11. Now this one is a sticky wicket. On the one hand, it’d be nice to have the Rumble winner, y’know, win, and have someone with the belt who’ll be around every week. On the other hand, I’m sure Vince is already salivating over the thought of Roman conquering the unstoppable once every four months onslaught of Brock Lesnar. On the THIRD hand, they did make a t-shirt for Rollins that says “Beastslayer” which would be completely pointless to peddle at shows if he lost. I’ll go out on a limb and pick Lesnar, but whoever wins is getting Roman as a challenger Intercontinental Championship: Finn Balor vs. Bobby Lashley (c.) Can we get this show over with already? I’m already bored just writing about it. The Demon wins back the title that he just lost for no reason a few weeks ago, Lio Rush probably gets beat up and the crowd continues to go mild for Bobby Lashley. Next. Women’s Championship, winner takes all: Becky Lynch vs. Charlotte Flair (c., Smackdown) vs. Ronda Rousey (c., Raw) Becky. Becky, Becky, Becky. Wait, I have to say something other than that about the match? The build for this has been all over the place. Becky taps to Asuka at the Rumble, then takes Lana’s spot to win the Rumble match itself. Becky’s suspended, but she’s on every show anyway. Then she’s not suspended, she and Ronda break the fourth wall on Twitter, Charlotte replaces Becky, then she wins the Smackdown belt from Asuka and it’s a triple threat, and my God I think I’ve gone cross eyed. Who wins will really depend on where they place this match on the card. I know they’ve said it’ll be the “main event,” and if it truly goes on last then they’d be insane not to give it to Becky. I’ve been trying to reasonably predict the order in which the matches will take place. BUT... we all know WWE has been saying double main event, triple main event, whatever for years. If it DOESN’T go on last, it’s probably gonna be Charlotte. She’s already beaten Trish’s record for number of Women’s title reigns, and lord knows WWE wants to make her seem like the best at everything due to her name. I’ll (perhaps foolishly) put all my chips on Becky, but won’t be surprised in the least if it’s Charlotte. Oh yeah, Ronda’s in the match too. How ‘bout that. *whew* So yeah, sixteen matches on what’s liable to be a seven hour show. I’m likely to watch it in spurts, because A) my TV is always at the risk of being hijacked by a six year old, and 2) I’m going to fall asleep if I try to watch it all in one shot. I won’t be drinking, because I’d rather fall asleep due to boredom rather than alcohol consumption this year. I almost don’t want the women’s match to go last, because the crowd will be fucking exhausted by then. Of the sixteen matches, I’m confident about half will be good. So there’s that. We’ll have a couple overblown entrances, some forced “Wrestlemania Moments,” the possibility for an entertaining car wreck or two, maybe an Undertaker appearance. This is the first year though where I’m sort of dreading the Grandest Stage of the Showcase of the Immortally Ultimate Thrill Ride in twenty years of fandom, and that’s pretty disheartening. That Takeover sure was something though, wasn’t it?

#wwe #wrestlemania #wrestlemania 35 #nxt takeover #cenawinslol

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sethmurfie-blog · 6 years

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WOW - [May 4, 4:18 p.m.]

MOTHER OF A WRECK. WOW.

AS I'M RUNNING AROUND CAMPUS TRYING FEROCIOUSLY TO FIND THIS MASK-COIN-GLOVE-HUMAN AND AM STARTING TO SWEAT AND PANIC MORE AND MORE, I HEAR A SOUND OF POPS AND CLICKS SOMEWHERE IN THE DISTANCE. I TURN THIS WAY AND THAT AND AS I DO SO, I BUMP UP AGAINST A LAMPPOST. SUDDENLY SOMETHING FALLS OUT OF MY SOMBRERO.

I LOOK DOWN AND SEE SOME PIECES OF SHINY PAPER AND SO I BEND DOWN AND PICK THEM UP, AND IN THE GLEAMING SUNLIGHT I SEE TITLES LIKE ASIAN INTERCULTURALITY AND A GUIDE TO CONVERSATIONAL JAPANESE AND JAPAN FOR DUMMIES. I STAND THERE, PUZZLED, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT HOW THESE BROCHURES ENDED UP IN MY MAGICAL SOMBRERO HAT. THEN A CAR HORN BLEATS SOMEWHERE FAR AWAY AND IT SUDDENLY DAWNS ON ME:

THESE PAMPHLETS HAVE TO BELONG TO YOUKNOWFUCKINGWHO. PORRIDGE. SHE ABSOLUTELY MUST HAVE PUT THEM IN MY SOMBRERO WHEN SHE HAD IT FOR A SHORT TIME AND NOW I HAD A POSSESSION BELONGING TO THE ABOMINABLE WITCH AND I WAS GOING GET THREE TIMES THE CURSE PURSE I'VE ALREADY ENDURED AND HOLY FUCK.

SO I IMMEDIATELY SHRIEK AND START JUST HIGH TAILING IT IN A COMPLETE FRENZY, NOT KNOWING IF I SHOULD THROW THE PAMPHLETS AWAY OR PUT THEM BACK IN THE SOMBRERO AND EVERYTHING'S BREAKING AND FALLING APART THE WORLD IS BASICALLY ENDING WHEN I BUMP INTO SOMETHING AGAIN, AND THIS TIME IT'S A PERSON. I LOOK UP AND SEE IT'S AN AUDIENCE MEMBER WATCHING A SHOW GOING ON ON AN OUTDOOR STAGE THAT'S BEEN SET UP NEAR THE PLANETARIUM. I HEAR THE POPS AND CLICKS AND SEE THAT LO AND BEHOLD IT'S THE MASKED-COIN-GLOVE-HUMAN AND THEY'RE JUST FINISHING UP THEIR SHOW.

SOMEWHERE IN THE CHAOS I’VE LOST BOTH THE SOMBRERO AND THE PAMPHLETS, BUT I JUST RUN RIGHT UP TO THE SIDE OF THE STAGE AND FIND THE MASK-HUMAN, WHO'S JUST ABOUT TO STEP DOWN BECAUSE THEIR SHOW HAS ENDED, BUT I STEP IN THEIR WAY AND IN MY MANIA JUST BLURT OUT "HELLO MY NAME IS SETH MURFIE AND RIGHT NOW I'M HAVING THE SHITTIEST DAY OF MY ENTIRE LIFE AND I'VE GOT MY BROTHER BEING ALL WEIRD AND I'VE GOT A GIRL WHO HAS CURSED ME WITH A BOTTLE FROM BUBBLE TEA ISLAND WHO I KEEP RUNNING INTO AND RECENTLY SHE USED MY SOMBRERO AND BEFORE I COULD UTILIZE MY BROTHER'S DOG TO STEAL IT BACK SHE MANAGED TO ENCHANT THE SOMBRERO AND FILL IT WITH PAMPHELETS ALL TO MAKE THIS CURSE WHERE I THINK ABOUT HER ALL THE TIME EVEN MORE UNBEARABLE AND NOW I'VE GOT THIS ASSIGNMENT THAT I ABSOLUTELY HAVE TO TURN IN TODAY WHERE I NEED TO INTERVIEW SOMEONE SIGNIFICANT TO ME AND I'VE ENJOYED YOUR PERCUSSION DRAMADIES SO MUCH THAT IT HAS TO BE YOU SO CAN I PLEASE INTERVIEW YOU RIGHT NOW BEFORE THE WHOLE PLANET GIVES OUT AND I JUST UP AND BURST?!"

THROUGH THE MASK-HUMAN’S BODY LANGUAGE I CAN SEE THEY LOOK STARTLED AND THEY’RE JUST STANDING THERE HOLDING THEIR BACKPACK AND INSTRUMENT CASE, BUT BEFORE THEY CAN ANSWER I HEAR JUST A FEW FEET AWAY:

"tHe hoLe iN oNe iS—~rAgHh~—oNe iN tHe bUn~"

AND WE BOTH TURN OUR HEADS TO SEE BOWLBOY BARRY, WALKING STRAIGHT AT US.

I LOOK BACK AT THE MASK-HUMAN AND SAY "OH DO YOU KNOW BOWLBOY BARRY?" BUT INSTEAD OF ANSWERING, THE MASK-PERSON JUST FRANTICALLY POINTS TO THE PLANETARIUM AND THEN STARTS TO RUN IN.

I STAND THERE NOT KNOWING WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON AND AS I HEAR BARRY COMING EVEN CLOSER AND SAYING "a biG bOy's tReAt iS—~eRgGgHh~—jUsT as sWeEt~" I SEE THE MASK-HUMAN USE THEIR COIN-TIPPED GLOVES TO FRANTICALLY GESTURE FOR ME TO FOLLOW THEM IN, SO I WIPE THE SWEAT OFF MY BROW AND RUN IN AFTER THEM EVEN THOUGH I WOULD KIND OF LIKE TO CONFRONT BOWLBOY BARRY BUT ULTIMATELY I'M FEELING PRECIPITOUSLY CONFUSED,

AND AS I COME IN AND SEE THE MASK-HUMAN HURRIEDLY HOLDING UP TWO FINGERS TO GET TWO TICKETS TO THE PLANETARIUM SHOW, AND THEN THE HUMAN QUICKLY PAYS THEN TURNS AND HANDS ME A TICKET AND THEN RUNS INSIDE. I FAINTLY HEAR BARRY SAYING

"tHe hOnEy cAn'T LEaVe iF yOu'Ve—~gUhHhHh~—gOt tHe rEpRiEvE—" BUT I NEED THIS INTERVIEW SO I FOLLOW IN AFTER THE MASK-HUMAN.

AS I COME INTO THE DARK ROOM THE SHOW HAS ALREADY BEGUN, AND I HEAR A BIG, BOOMING VOICEOVER SAYING

/ The sun Is the closet star to planet Earth in all the galaxy. A powerhouse of heat and light, it— /

I SUDDENLY FEEL A TAP ON MY SHOULDER AND TURN AROUND TO SEE THE MASK-HUMAN STANDING THERE AND THEN SHOVING SOMETHING INTO MY HAND. I LOOK DOWN AND SEE IT'S THEIR CELL PHONE, AND IN IT THEY'VE WRITTEN A TEXT TO THEMSELF THAT SAYS:

Give me your number and then we can do the interview over text message without disturbing the show.

I STILL FEEL CONFUSED AND DON'T KNOW WHY WE'VE RUN INSIDE THE PLANETARIUM BUT I JUST SHRUG AND PUT MY NUMBER IN THE MASK- HUMAN'S PHONE, THEN I FOLLOW THEM INTO SOME SEATS IN THE MIDDLE ROW AND SIT DOWN TO LEAN BACK AND LOOK UP AT ALL THE FAKE STARS.

/ For centuries, man Has Worshipped and Studied the Sun, and out of ignorance Has Invented stories to Explain its power—sometimes Praising it as a goddess, other times Denouncing it as a demon— /

I FEEL A BUZZ IN MY POCKET, AND GET OUT MY CELL TO SEE A TEXT FROM A NEW NUMBER. IT SAYS:

What would you like to know?

I LOOK TO MY RIGHT AND SEE THAT MASK-HUMAN HAS ACTUALLY REMOVED THEIR GLOVES AND THEIR MASK, BOTH OF WHICH I CAN SEE SITTING IN THEIR LAP NEAR THE GLOW OF THEIR PHONE—HOWEVER IT'S FAR TOO DARK FOR ME TO MAKE OUT THEIR FACE. I LOOK BACK DOWN AT MY PHONE AND THEN JUST GO AHEAD AND TYPE IN THE FIRST QUESTION:

WHAT MOTIVATES YOU TO DO GOOD?

THEN I HIT SEND.

/ To this day the Sun Is an integral part of our way of life. Despite— /

MY PHONE VIBRATES. I READ THE RESPONSE:

If I see people in need or who seem underappreciated, I tend to want to help them. I don't know. I don't always do the right thing, but I usually try. I like to make people feel good if I can.

/ However, this looming and all-encompassing star we Call the Sun Will not Last forever. One day, when the heat and— /

AFTER READING THE MASK-HUMAN'S RESPONSE, I TYPE IN THE NEXT QUESTION, ONE I FORGOT TO ASK ROLAND RIGATONI. IT'S:

ARE YOU PROUD OF YOUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS?

/ The energy Will Begin to Collapse in on itself, Charging and Ricocheting, as the core slowly Begins to Shrink— /

MY PHONE BUZZES:

I am.

/ In a few moments you Will Witness the imploding mayhem of a red giant, as the outer layers of the sun gradually Begin to Expand more and more, Growing hotter and hotter, redder and redder— /

THE LIGHT IN THE ROOM IS STARTING TO INCREASE AS THE SUN ON SCREEN IS INCHES AWAY FROM DESTRUCTION, BUT IN THE FLOW OF THE INTERVIEW I JUST TYPE THE NEXT QUESTION, ANOTHER I FORGOT TO ASK RIGATONI:

WHAT ARE SOME OF YOUR OTHER INTERESTS?

MUSIC IS STARTING TO SWELL AND A BIG EVENT IS APPARENTLY ABOUT TO HAPPEN ON THE DOME ABOVE US,

BUT SUDDENLY I HEAR WHAT SOUNDS LIKE A DOOR OPENING JUST OUTSIDE THE THEATRE. BEFORE I CAN NOTICE IT TOO MUCH MY PHONE BUZZES AGAIN:

I like making people laugh, as well as grunge, anime, and I guess sometimes bowling.

ALL OF SUDDEN I FREEZE. BOWLING? GRUNGE AND ANIME? WHERE HAVE I SEEN THESE INTERESTS BEFORE? I'M TRYING TO FIGURE THAT OUT WHEN I HEAR FOOTSTEPS COMING CLOSE TO THE THEATRE BUT THEN THE SOUND IS CUT OFF BY THE VOICEOVER BOOMING

/ And just like that, on the precipice of a planetary nebula, the Sun, Will Burst. /

SUDDENLY RED LIGHT FILLS THE ROOM AND THE SEATS ARE ALMOST SHAKING FROM THE BELCH OF DRAMATIC MUSIC AND SOUND EFFECTS GOING ALL OVER THE PLACE, AND I SQUINT TO LOOK TO MY RIGHT, WHERE THE LIGHT IS NOW SUFFICIENT ENOUGH FOR ME TO SEE TWO EXTREMELY FAMILIAR EYES GAZING UP IN AWE AT THE SHOW ABOVE US, AND WITH A JERK OF MY HEART I STAND UP AND NEARLY FALL BACK OVER MY SEAT AS I SCREECH AND BLURT OUT

"P-P-PORRIDGE!!"

AND AS SHE LOOKS UP AT ME, I SUDDENLY HEAR IN A NEAR CORNER "tHe giRL iS miNe iF yOu—~uGhN~—tHiNk I cAn rHyMe~"

AND I WHIRL AROUND TO SEE BOWLBOY BARRY, SEARCHING THROUGH THE THEATRE. I FEEL A TUG ON MY SLEEVE AND SEE PORRIDGE, WHO SUDDENLY LOOKS PANICKED, STARING AT ME AND MOUTHING SOMETHING WHICH SORTA LOOKS LIKE:

Please don't let him find me.

/ The heat alone Will Be enough to Eliminate everyone on Earth, Going directly into a— /

"tHe fAiRy'S cRowN iS—~uRp~—oN tHe gOwN~" I HEAR BARRY SAY, AND I SEE HIM START TO WALK TOWARDS US. I GO OUT IN THE ROW AND WAVE MY ARMS AND SAY "BARRY, HERE!" THEN I FEEL A BUZZ IN MY PHONE AND SEE A TEXT SAYING

He follows me. You can keep asking me questions just please don't let him find me.

AND EVEN THOUGH I’M FREAKING THE FUCK OUT AND I OBVIOUSLY DON'T WANT TO INTERVIEW MOTHERFUCKING-SON-OF-A-BITCH-HOLY- SHIT-HOW-COULD-I-HAVE-BEEN-SO-STUPID PORRIDGE, I JUST SORT OF AUTOMATICALLY TYPE IN THE NEXT QUESTION WITHOUT THINKING, AND HIT SEND:

DO YOU MEAN TO AFFECT PEOPLE THE WAY YOU DO?

"dO yOu hAvE tHe dAmE—~yEeGgGgH~—tHaT I cAn cLaiM~?"

I LOOK UP AND SEE BARRY RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, AND I'M SURE HE CAN SEE THE PANIC AND TERROR IN MY EYES, AND I DECIDE TO TRY TO EXPLAIN TO HIM THAT THE AWFUL WITCH IS RIGHT BEHIND ME, BUT THE DISTRACTING VOICEOVER CONTINUES:

/ This destruction Is just a preamble to the white dwarf, where the Sun Will Be thoroughly Reduced to nothing more than a speck. /

"iS tHe sUppLe giRLy-dOo—~rRrRgHhT~—sOmEwHeRe bEhiNd yOu~?"

I BREATHE IN AND AM ABOUT TO TELL BARRY EVERYTHING, WHEN MY PHONE VIBRATES ONCE AGAIN. I TAKE IT OUT AND SEE THE WITCH'S RESPONSE:

Do I mean to affect people the way I do? Well, no. Really if I have any kind of affect on people, I would imagine it's gotta be kind of an accident.

I STIFFEN. ACCIDENT? WHERE HAVE I HEARD THAT BEFORE?

/ With time, the planetary nebula Will Fade, Leaving nothing but a mass of heated carbon. /

I LOOK AT BARRY. THEN I LOOK BACK BEHIND ME. ACCIDENT. LIKE WHAT SOYLENT GREEN WAS TALKING ABOUT. WAIT. IS IT POSSIBLE THAT PORRIDGE NEVER MEANT TO CURSE ME? AM I—AM I—

"sHoW mE tHe cHiCk oR—~mMf~—fAcE tHe sTiCk~"

I STARE AT BARRY. MY HANDS ARE SHAKING AGAIN, AND I CAN FEEL THE SWEAT RUNNING DOWN MY NECK.

/ Lacking the mass for a supernova, nuclear fusion Will Fail to Occur. /

"BARRY." I SWALLOW. IT ONLY TAKES THREE WORDS. WITCH IS HERE. WITCH IS HERE.

THE ROOM GROWS DIMMER AGAIN AND THE MUSIC STARTS TO FADE. “BARRY.” I FEEL THE PEN IN MY POCKET, AND LOOK RIGHT AT BARRY. THREE WORDS. “BARRY—“AS THE ROOM DARKENS AND THE MUSIC QUIETS, I LEAN FORWARD, TAKING IN A DEEP BREATH—“BARRY”—AND LEAN IN EVEN CLOSER TO OPEN MY MOUTH AND SAY THREE STUPENDOUSLY SIMPLE WORDS:

"SHE'S NOT HERE."

/ The gas-sphere Will eventually Float off, ready to Form the next smattering of stars. /

BARRY LOOKS AT THE GROUND, LOOKS UP AT THE CEILING, THEN HE SHRUGS, TURNS AROUND, AND LEAVES.

/ The Sun Has at last Died, with a simple cloud of carbon Being all that Remains. /

MY PHONE VIBRATES. HAND STILL SHAKING, I TAKE IT OUT AND READ THE TEXT MESSAGE:

Thank you.

I LOOK UP AT THE DOME. MAYBE PORRIDGE ISN'T A BAD PERSON. I KNOW THIS SOUNDS UTTERLY MAD, BUT MAYBE I COULD EVEN—LEARN TO AT LEAST TOLERATE HER IF SHE ISN'T MEANING TO HARM ANYONE.

/ Other stars Will, of course, Go out. /

WITHOUT QUITE KNOWING WHAT TO DO, I SIT BACK DOWN IN MY SEAT AND TEXT THE NEXT QUESTION:

WHO'S YOUR BIGGEST HERO?

MY PHONE VIBRATES AGAIN. I LOOK DOWN:

My grandmother.

THE SHAKE IN MY HAND SLOWS. ONE CORNER OF MY MOUTH GOES UP AND I START TO SMILE. I QUICKLY TYPE THE NEXT QUESTION:

WHAT’S A PART OF THE WORLD YOU WANT TO SEE SOMEDAY?

MY PHONE THEN BUZZES:

Japan.

I REMEMBER THE CLASS I TOOK ON THE HISTORY OF JAPAN AND I SUDDENLY THINK TO MYSELF WELL THIS IS ANOTHER THING WE HAVE IN COMMON, AND JAPAN IS SOMETHING WE COULD EVEN CONVERSE ABOUT, ASSUMING I CONTINUE ON MY COURSE OF TOLERATING HER, AND I START TO GRIN EVEN BIGGER AS I TYPE THE FOLLOW-UP QUESTION:

WHEN DO YOU THINK YOU'LL ACTUALLY GET TO GO THERE?

MY PHONE VIBRATES, AND I LOOK DOWN AGAIN:

Tomorrow.

MY MOUTH DROPS A LITTLE.

/ With most stars, a white dwarf Will inevitably Become a black dwarf. /

MY PHONE BUZZES AGAIN, AND I SEE ANOTHER MESSAGE:

I'm going on study abroad for a year. I leave tomorrow. Actually I should go soon to finish packing, if that's okay.

THE PEN IN MY POCKET PUSHES AGAINST MY THIGH FOR A SECOND, BUT THEN I ADJUST MY LEG AND TRY TO TYPE THE NEXT QUESTION.

BUT I KEEP MAKING MISTAKES AND SCREWING UP AND I'M TRYING TO PUSH THE RIGHT KEYS WHEN I GET A THIRD TEXT:

Are you okay?

I GLANCE TO MY RIGHT AT PORRIDGE WHO'S LOOKING AT ME WITH SOME SORT OF EXPRESSION OF CONCERN, BUT I JUST CLEAR MY THROAT AND FINALLY TYPE OUT THE LAST QUESTION:

DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER PROJECTS YOU'D LIKE TO EXPLORE IN THE FUTURE?

THE ROOM IS VERY DARK NOW, AND LOOKS THE WAY IT DID AT THE BEGINNING OF THE SHOW.

FOR ANSWERING THIS LAST QUESTION, INSTEAD OF TEXTING BACK, I CAN DIMLY SEE PORRIDGE LEAN DOWN AND PULL SOMETHING OUT OF HER BACKPACK. I HEAR WHAT SOUNDS LIKE THE UNCAPPING OF A MARKER, AND THEN SOME SQUEAKY WRITING SOUNDS BEFORE SHE HANDS ME SOMETHING SLENDER AND GLASSY IN THE DARK. I FROWN AND AM ABOUT TO ASK WHAT IT IS WHEN MY PHONE BUZZES, AND THE MESSAGE SAYS:

I want to do something musical, involving the thing I just handed you.

STARS ARE SWIRLING ALL AROUND THE ROOM AND LIGHTING UP EVERY CORNER, CASTING DIFFERENT COLORS ON THE SEATS BELOW. THE PHONE BUZZES ONCE MORE:

I actually really have to go now. Sorry.

THEN ANOTHER:

You should read what I wrote.

THEN FINALLY:

Bye Seth.

AND I SEE PORRIDGE ZIP UP HER PACK AND THEN GRAB HER CASE AND SLOWLY STAND UP TO WALK OUT OF THE AISLE AND GO THROUGH THE DOOR IN THE EXTREMELY DARK THEATRE. I HEAR THE DOOR OPEN THEN CLOSE, AND THEN IT'S JUST ME AND THE AUDIENCE AND THE SHOW.

SOON, THE SHOW ENDS, AND I WALK OUT WITH THE REST OF THE CROWD, FEELING IN A KIND OF DAZE. SUDDENLY I REMEMBER THE THING IN MY HAND THAT PORRIDGE GAVE ME AND I LOOK TO SEE WHAT IT IS.

SUNLIGHT GLINTS OFF THE OBJECT AND I SORT OF GASP AS I LOOK IT OVER AND THEN SEE THE MESSAGE, FROM HER, TO ME, SCRIBBLED ON IT IN BIG-LETTERED SHARPIE.

"seth?"

I LOOK UP AND SEE CALEB, STANDING THERE WITH HIS DOG ON A LEASH.

"WHA—WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?"

"i was just taking knight on a long walk through campus. what's that bottle in your hand?"

I LOOK DOWN AT IT, THEN LOOK UP AT THE SKY OVERHEAD.

"hey, did you find your person for that interview assignment? they must've been so weirded out having to answer questions from a complete stranger, heh-heh."

I JUST LOOK AT THE SKY FOR A WHILE. THEN, INSTEAD OF RESPONDING, I HAND CALEB THE BOTTLE, AND THEN SLUMP TO LEAN AGAINST THE SIDE OF THE BUILDING, EXPERIENCING A RUSH OF BIZARRE SENSATIONS THAT I CAN'T EVEN REASONABLY DESCRIBE.

I'M DONE WITH THE BLOG. I REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME. I HOPE YOU ALL HAD A SUCCESSFUL SEMESTER AND HAVE A GREAT SUMMER, BUT SOCIAL MEDIA REALLY ISN'T DOING ANYTHING FOR ME. NEXT POST IS MY LAST.

STILL,

-LOVE SETH MURFIE

#porridge

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