I do not spend much time thinking about my “father’s” training anymore. I have spent so many years keeping it up, improving it by myself that is seems absurd to even call it “my father’s” at this point.
Especially considering that I have let go of the once so natural belief that he did or had even need of doing it before. I could not care less now to compete with him for progress.
The relationship I have had with this which is clearlz a part of my identity has always been rather fluctuating. In the very short early days it was all set up as a game. Then I became ambitious, terrified I could fail. Then it became an annoying burden as much as a thing to be proud of in private. Something else that made me ‘special’.
But in more recent times I feel that it has resumed it’s light-heartedness. All the motions and thoughts have been nothing but casual, barely registering habits like rolling up one’s sleeves for years. And now I sometimes find myself enjoying it again, making it into a harmless challenge to be faster to get more solutions for no reason other than because I want to, just like the games I used to play at the age of six.
Maybe it is the fact that I care so little for what this child or teenager I once was had disliked with passion or maybe I have just outgrown some of my more childish “bitterness” that made me dislike my father’s notion’s on prinicple.
Either way it is a pleasant realisation, as I did not expect to find any of my ‘training’ enjoyable rather than just satisfying anymore.