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furiousgoldfish · 1 day

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Asking for help when you're being abused, doesn't come naturally. It, in fact, feels counter-productive, dangerous, wrong, bad, shameful, mortifying, scary, burdensome (for the person you're asking), and sometimes the abused person can feel like they would rather keep to themselves forever, than reach out and say what is going on.

This is not accidental; abusers make it so on purpose. They spend a lot of effort convincing you that you're a burden on the entire world, that you're attention hungry and making things up to stir up drama, that you lie and remember things wrong, that you should be ashamed of what was done to you and how you made the abuser do it. Even if not spoken out loud, it is very clear that if you said anything to anyone, you would be punished, shamed, and put trough even worse abuse than what you're experiencing right now. That things would turn around to make you seem like you're the worse one in the situation and everyone would side with the abuser.

So reaching out for help, after a certain point, feels useless. Like you'd be only inconveniencing people around you, showing them how incapable you are, how helpless and pathetic and ashamed you feel, and nobody would be able to help you anyway. Abusers make it seem like they're above law and authority, the idea that just another person could do anything to stop them feels ridiculous. And there's a possibility outsiders will side with the abuser, making the situation infinitely worse for you, because they will tell the abuser and get you into worse trouble.

Not asking for help, and instead just surviving or maybe independently trying to get away, is not a sign of a fault, or a person not trying hard enough and not wanting help. It means the situation is so bad that involving another person might mean extra danger, and doesn't lead to resolving the situation.

When you think about it, what does your average person do to help someone in abuse? There's no easy steps to secure somebody's safety. A person might report it, which might end up just pissing the abuser off. The victim often has no other place to go, so now they're threatened with homelessness. Someone offering you a place to stay might work short-term, while also being dangerous, but victims need more than short-term solutions. They need permanent, foolproof and secure life plan to stay away from the abuser. They need resources that help them access safe places to indefinitely stay in, they need consistent income, and a community to keep them safe. This is not something that anyone can just offer, and even programs that offer some of this help, are temporary.

Sometimes we don't ask for help because we can tell that help is impossible, and sometimes, we're conditioned not to, we have gone trough torture for just thinking of telling someone what's going on. We still want the abuse to stop. We still need to get away. We're still doing our best to survive and escape, while also trying to not inconvenience anyone around us.

#reaching out for help #anti victim blaming #psychological abuse #escaping abuse #child abuse #domestic abuse #surviving abuse #emotional abuse #gaslighting #being trapped in abuse

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teaboot · 1 year

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While I'm happy that the word "gaslighting" is more known than it used to be, and that people at large are learning to recognize what it looks like, I feel like we need to be careful not to turn it into something soft and casual we throw around off the cuff without meaning.

Being gaslit is psychological abuse that fucks you up very badly, very slowly, at such a gradual pace that you don't usually know it's happening until it's already re-wired your brain.

If you're unfamiliar with the term, "to gaslight" is to intentionally persuade someone that they cannot trust their own perceptions of reality. It's a destabilizing form of manipulation that leaves you constantly anxious, off-balanced, confused, and dependant on others.

This is done by lying about events that have happened or about things that are happening, invalidating feelings and observations, and either denying, refusing to acknowledge, or deflecting away from hard facts.

As someone who has experienced gaslighting as a form of abuse, this is what I remember from when I didn't know anything was off:

"Oh, I must have forgotten what really happened."

"I'm just not seeing it from their point of view."

"Everyone has their ups and downs. This is normal."

"I guess I wasn't thinking about what I was doing."

"I must have been wrong."

This is what I remember from when I first started realizing something was weird:

"How come every time I'm convinced they did something wrong, they just talk to me a few minutes, and I end up asking for their forgiveness? What has me so convinced I was right in the first moment?"

"I should start writing things down when they happen, so I can go back and check later when I'm confused."

"If every relationship like ours (familial, romantic, platonic) works this way, how come I never hear about it, or read about it, or see it anywhere else?"

Getting out and adjusting to the real world is hard, too, and comes with rapid swings of unfounded guilt, shame, fear, anxiety, and self-deprication that are completely unfounded in reality.

You've been conditioned to believe that you are entirely helpless and unable to think for yourself, possibly "crazy" or otherwise fundamentally impaired, and that there is a singular source of guidance that knows exactly what is right, and all of a sudden that pillar of support has vanished.

The immediate "after" that I recall looks like:

Constant uncertainty. Because nobody is there to tell you what's real and what isn't, you approach every situation thinking at it from all angles. Every question has fifty possible answers and most of them are wrong and you don't know which. If you choose wrong, the world will end.

A sense of helplessness. You feel that nothing you do is correct, and it's easier to make no choices at all- or you make wild, reckless, impulsive choices, because you feel you have nothing to lose.

Memory loss. I don't understand this one, but it's not like memoriescare being erased, but more like... you're so used to treating your memories as dreams or imaginations that you reflexively dismiss anything you recall as fake, and you can't believe anything you recall because you don't think it was real. Your abusers voice is in your head, wiping things away and telling you that you did the wrong thing. And you believe them, because they're the only constant you can rely on.

Missing the abuser, or the abusive dynamic. Because you know now that it wasn't healthy, but at least you knew where you stood. As long as you said the right things and acted the right way, agreed and obeyed and did as they expected, you felt like thevworld made sense. Now you have to figure out which parts of you really are broken, and which parts are working fine in a really weird way, and it's like tuning a piano when you've never played one before.

The long term "after"- for which I can only speak for myself- looks like:

Having to double-check, triple-check, and continue checking hard evidence of an event before responding in an active way.

Consulting with trusted friends to verify that your observations are legitimate and that your perceptions are valid. Following up with them to see if someone is really angry at you, or if you're just projecting anger onto them because it's what makes sense to your old pattern.

Obsessive collection of "evidence"- saving pictures, writing detailed journals, making recordings and video, never deleting emails or old texts, because you still don't quite trust yourself all the way and you're afraid that someone will cause you to doubt yourself again.

Continued self-doubt and being "gullible": I have straight up seen people flip me off to my face in front of witnesses and then immediately tell me, "No, I was just waving", and my first instinct is to believe them. For a few seconds, I *really do* believe them. Your brain is so trained to latch onto what people tell you to believe that its really, really hard to hold onto information that you already have.

Learning to take ownership over your own actions. (I didn't mess up because I'm "crazy", I messed up because I'm a person and people do that.)

Instinctively seeking approval. (Takes a lot of work to remind myself that I don't exit to make people happy, and that some people suck ass, and I can tell them to piss off.)

I don't intend to invalidate anyone currently struggling with this- if you feel that something is wrong, it probably is. That's the thought that got me out. Trust that feeling that something isn't right.

I just want people who don't know what to look for to know what gaslighting *actually* looks and feels like, so they don't just roll their eyes and think, "Oh, that word doesnt apply to me- I'm not some snowflake".

('Cause we all saw what happened with "triggered", right?)

#Gaslighting #Abuse #Information #Psychological abuse

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neuroticboyfriend · 11 months

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Abuse has a goal behind it, and a lot of the time, it's about changing the victims behavior. If someone screams at you for not doing X activity, eventually you learn to do X activity. If someone hits you when you defy them, eventually you learn not to defy them. If someone abuses you frequently enough, and you begin to break down to their will... It is possible to reach a point where it may seem like you're not being abused anymore.

They don't yell anymore because you stay quiet and do what you're told. They don't threaten you anymore because you don't voice even the slightest disagreement or need. What used to be screaming fighting arguments have become lectures at your expense. They may even praise you for doing what they want you to. And all those mundane moments - breakfast, the rare kind act - stand out more. Your perception of the relationship skews even more. It's all normal now.

And it's still abuse. It's just reached its end goal - wearing you down so badly that they don't need to overtly abuse you anymore to get what they want. All they need to do is make a joke, or complain to guilt you, or tell you want to do/not to do, etc. etc. The fact that's all it takes now doesn't make what's happening to you less severe - if anything, it means you're in much, much more danger than you could realize.

It's abuse. It's horrific. It's just not obvious anymore... and that's terrifying. You deserve so, so much better. You deserve to truly be safe - not to have your wellbeing held behind fearful compliance. That's not safety. That's not love. That's abuse. It being psychological doesn't make it less dangerous.

#messages to myself #softspoonie #abuse #domestic abuse #psychological abuse #covert abuse #overt abuse #abusive relationships #abusive parents #child abuse #surviving abuse #verbal abuse #mental abuse #mental health #trauma

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adult-human-gc-female · 10 months

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Found this post today, and together with my experience of narcissistic abuse it kinda clicked.

People say what this person wants to hear.

✨ But this is not enough. ✨

People should sit like this person wants. People should think like this person wants.

They always want to control everything. Just like my abuser did. This is why I was always been so bothered by the pronouns. Because it is nothing less but control over the way I speak and think.

#gender critical #radical feminism #radblr #radical feminists please interact #pronouns are weird #blog: memories #blog: insights #psychological abuse #mind control

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daughterofanarcissistwoman · 1 month

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Remember, a narcissist's ultimate goal is total control over your perception of reality. Being around someone who has a vested interest in making you feel crazy will never be good for your mental health. Gaslighting is part of the abuse. Chronic gaslighting can cause psychosis.

#inner child healing #reparenting #narcissistic abuse #emotional abuse #psychological abuse #gaslighting

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healingchildhoodtrauma · 2 months

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If you were emotionally neglected as a child you might think having a person obsessed with you will help fill that void for attention you never got. But what kind of attention is it? Is it nourishing attention? Usually it's about control, and they end up criticizing your every move. Remember, control reduces you to an object.

Respect > attention

#inner child healing #reparenting #healing from abuse #self love #healing from narcissistic abuse #psychological abuse #emotional abuse #childhood emotional abandonment #childhood emotional neglect

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family-trauma · 9 months

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This is a really good post differentiating the two instances of mental abuse - emotional vs psychological. I think I've experienced both numerous times to lose count of the instances.

#absurd #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mental abuse #mental health #mentally exhausted #emotional abuse #psychological abuse #verbal abuse #abuse awareness #toxic #toxic family #toxicity #toxic people #family-trauma

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traumatizedjaguar · 4 months

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Abusers will force you into a position to have to defend and explain yourself because they thrive on arguing with others. The best way to stay away from their abuse is to not engage with them...But when it comes to abusers they will automatically assume you're guilty for something if you don't defend yourself and argue, they will assume you're guilty and justify bullying you over it. They put you into a position where it is double edged. Either way, they win so if you defend yourself they get a rise out of you and if you don't defend yourself they assume you're guilty and come after you. Abusers thrive off of twisting and manipulating the meaning of your body language, tone, subtleties, whether you engage or don't engage, or literally anything else.

#my text #abusers always think they're right and never wrong #they thrive off of manipulation #manipulative #manipulation tactics #decetifulness #gaslighting #emotional abuse #psychological abuse #child abuse #family abuse #actually cptsd #actually abused #actually traumatized #actuallyabused #actually traumatised #blameshifting #blame shift

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sapphicdesiress · 4 days

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“Abandoned again?” Those cool words slipped through the darkness like a serpent’s forked tongue.

The hero sat in the center of the chamber, bathed in moonlight from the hole in the ceiling. Chains glinted around her limbs, allowing her to kneel but restricting any further movement. She looked into the shadow, frantically trying to find the viper in the shadows. “My team will come back.” A laugh, sweet as poison, filled the high ceiling. “Like they did last time?” The villain stepped into the gentle lighting, basking in the way the hero recoiled at the sight of her.

“Last time was different.”

Were the villain capable of pity, the hero would have earned it. “Is that what they told you?”

Metal clinked together as the hero squirmed. “It’s true,” she insisted.

A hum filled the room, low and sensual. “Forgive me for not believing you.” The slow, elegant footsteps of the villain took her along the moonlight’s edge. Too close for comfort, and yet far enough to give a false sense of ease. “Why don’t we play a game, hm?” The dark silhouette of the villain continued to idly pace around the circle of moonlight. “Perhaps you aren’t lying and your team will come for you.” The villain paused behind her captured prey. The hero turned her head, startled by the sudden silence. Amusement played on the sharp line of the villain’s onyx lips. “Call for me when you’ve decided they’ve abandoned you.”

The hero’s silence was admirable but foolish. They both knew the hero’s supposed friends would never return. They expected the villain to let her go, as she had done time and time again, but what would they do when the hero realized they’d truly left her behind?

The villain left her alone in the chamber's silence.

The moon gave way to the scorching sun as the hero remained. Brilliant rays bit back the darkness and warmed her cold, stiff limbs. But as the day wore on, the chains grew hotter.

“Free me.” The hero’s voice rang in her ears like a murder of angry crows.

The villain appeared in front of her, delighted at the visage of the squirming, sweaty hero. “And why would I free you?” Gorgeous eyes, so soft and pained, looked up at her. “Have they abandoned you?”

“No.” The hero shifted, her skin red beneath the metal sitting on the flesh of her shoulders. “If you free me, they’ll show you mercy.” A bark of laughter burst from the villain. “Show me mercy? Me? Oh no, my dear, have they really convinced you they could beat me?” Her figure trembled with restrained laughter. “Sweet, delicate flower, they couldn’t kill me even in their dreams.”

“They could!”

“Then why haven’t they? Why do they keep leaving you like a sacrificial lamb? Hm?”

“They don’t.” The hero bowed her head, unable to look at the sneering villain.

“I see your delusions remain intact.” A harsh sigh left her. “Very well. Call for me when you’ve realized they won’t come for you.”

The sun loomed above her, slowly crossing the sky as it continued to scorn her beneath its brutal gaze. When dusk arrived, the door to the chamber groaned open. A silent servant shambled into the room with a bowl and a bucket. Calloused fingers pinched the hero’s nose until she was forced to open her mouth. Watery, cold porridge was forced down her throat—the villain already knew she’d resist any food or water offered to her. The chains were loosened enough to slide the bucket beneath the hero before the servant disappeared, offering her the illusion of privacy. Several minutes passed before they returned to fetch the bucket and tighten the chains. The hero had shifted onto her rear, allowing her to stretch her leg as much as her bindings would allow.

The heat of the day gave way to the prickling chill of night. Metal cooled, offering a reprieve from the angry throbbing along her shoulders. Relief turned into shivering. Alone, in the darkness of the chamber, she rocked from side to side, trying to do anything to keep herself warm. Fog swirled from her lips as she tried to blow warm air on her stiff, aching fingers. She remembered her team’s captain, how he’d gently cradled the hands of his lieutenant when she’d complained of the cold. The hero yearned for the care offered to each member of her team, and yet, she always found herself pulling her coat tighter, fighting the frigid night on her own.

Soft, clicking footsteps echoed around her. “How’s my darling hero?” Her words were sweet and soft, but they cracked against her nerves like a barbed whip.

“Cold.”

“I can see that.” Behind her, the hero felt her enemy close in. Warm, delicate hands brushed through her unkempt hair, sliding down to gently rub the tension along her stiff jaw. “You could come with me. There will be a warm bath waiting for you and you can sleep wherever you’d like. I even have your favorite blanket in my guest room.”

The aching fibers of her jaw relaxed beneath the villain’s painfully familiar touch. She closed her eyes, imagining the soft fur against her. The first time she had been left behind, she’d been offered a room instead of a dungeon. The villain, cruel and wicked, had offered her every luxury she possessed. The hero still didn’t understand why. “What do you want in return?”

“The same thing I always want—for you to be honest with yourself and me. They don’t care about you. They never have and never will. You’re expendable. Something to be left behind when you’re an inconvenience. Look at you.” The villain’s touch disappeared as she moved in front of the hero. “Caught in a trap they could have saved you from, but why would they sacrifice themselves for you? Hm?”

“They know you won’t hurt me,” the hero said. “You’ve let me go every time.”

“And what if I didn’t this time?” The villain crouched down, her features etched skillfully with neutrality. “Do you think they’d try to set you free?”

Uncomfortable silence fell over them. An entire day had passed since her team had disappeared. “They would come for me…”

“And how long do you think they’ll wait?”

The longest the villain had kept her for was three weeks before the hero had miraculously escaped. There had been no news of her team during her time with the villain, but when she’d returned, they’d said they’d searched for her. They wouldn’t lie to her. “I don’t know,” she said, though the words scraped against her heart with an iron claw.

The villain regarded her for a long moment before standing. “I will come when you call for me, even when they won’t.” She stepped into the shadows, letting them consume her.

Left only with the ache in her chest and the weight of the chains bearing down on her, the hero let the first of her silent tears fall.

When the darkness lifted, the servant came again—their treatment as harsh and swift as before.

The cycle continued for days. The hero’s skin, abused by the sun’s torment and the scorching metal, had blistered, and begun to ooze creamy puss. Discomfort had long since turned to incessant pain. Night and day offered her no reprieve from the isolation of the chamber. The villain had stopped visiting her, though the hero suspected she watched from the shadows. The phantom presence of her enemy offered the smallest comforts as she recalled the time spent with her team. They were always doting and caring when in need of her talents, but when there was nothing for her to do, they left her out of their conversations. At times, they were even annoyed when she spoke up. They’d never listened to her suggestions. She was an instrument for them to wield and discard until they needed her again. And now they’d left her behind. But they hadn’t just abandoned her. They’d left her helpless to the whims of their enemy—to suffer at the villain’s hand until she was released again. She was convenient to them. Something to swoop up when the villain was done with her and use again to their advantage. Had they ever truly needed her? Did they even like her? Did she mean anything to them?

Nine days passed before the weight of the chains and her team’s betrayal became too much.

The villain’s name had hardly left her tongue when she appeared from the shadows, as radiant as the sun and just as oppressively beautiful. “Why have you summoned me, little lamb?” There was no kindness in her smile, nor was there cruelty.

“Everything hurts.” The hero looked up, her eyes hollow and dark from lack of sleep. The villain said nothing. She bowed her head, the movement pulling painfully at her blistered skin. “Let me go,” she whispered.

“You know my price.”

The hero’s shoulders trembled, too tired to show any restraint. “I thought they’d come by now.”

“Disappointing, isn’t it?” There was no empathy in the villain’s words, only thinly veiled disdain.

“They should have come.” The hero’s lips trembled as she stared at the ground. “I would have come for them.” “You wouldn’t have left them behind.”

“I don’t understand” Her voice tightened, dancing on the edge of tears. “They said they would come back. Every time I disappeared, they said they did but I was gone. Why haven’t they come back yet?”

The villain lowered onto her knees, taking her sweaty head within her gentle grasp, coaxing her gaze up. “Because they do not see your value, sweet flower. They don’t see how hard you work or how much you care. All that matters to them is what they have to gain. You’re of no use to them when they have to save you.”

“I could do better,” the hero whispered. “I could train. Be more careful. They wouldn’t have to save me.”

A gentle thumb wiped away the hero’s tear, smudging the grime on her delicate features. “You know it would never be enough. They don’t see you as one of them.”

“They used to.” The hero’s hands clenched, her nails slicing open the tender flesh of her palms. “They used to care about me.”

“You don’t need them to care about you,” the villain said, her voice cool and calm. “Not when you have me.”

“You left me here to freeze and burn.” The hero yanked her head back with all the feeble strength she could muster.

“For good reason.” Gentle hands fell away and waved over the chains. The villain murmured and the heavy bindings fell away. “You needed to see the truth.” The hero slumped forward into the villain’s arms. “I just wanted to be good enough for them.”

“The problem was never your worth, lamb.” In one smooth motion, the villain swept the hero’s weakened body into her embrace, taking her away from the chamber.

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furiousgoldfish · 4 months

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abusers when you're in a ton of pain, depressed, anxious, suicidal, but still obeying them and under their control: Nothing is wrong with you

abusers when you're showing a hint of resistance and finding joy in something that puts you away from their control: You're going to go BAD, who did this to you, who changed you? You are Wrong and Stupid and you will WALK INTO YOUR DEATH, you need to be Stopped Immediately, you need to get Help and be return to normal, you are Delusional and Mad!!

#abusers #control #abuse tactics #controlling behaviour #brainwashing #psychological abuse #emotional abuse

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creature-wizard · 7 months

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Hey folks, reminder that if someone asks you a question like "Hey can you tell me how to not do [bad thing]" and you respond with something like, "Imagine needing to ask how to not do [bad thing]!", that is shaming behavior. It's cruel and unnecessary, and all you're doing is giving this person psychological damage while discouraging them from asking questions in the future - some of which might be really important!

"But it's a really obvious question though!" you might be thinking. Yeah uh, speaking as an autistic person who was raised by fundie Christians who kept me ignorant on purpose, there is no such thing as a universally obvious question.

So literally don't do that shit. Consider the possibility that you are very likely dealing with someone who was either kept in the dark, or does not easily pick up on things and needs them clearly explained to them. If you don't allow for this possibility and behave accordingly, you functionally hate abuse survivors and mentally disabled people, and you are the asshole.

#psa #abuse #psychological abuse #shaming #mental disability #ableism #victim blaming

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neuroticboyfriend · 5 months

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okay. i finally found something on parents love bombing that is not ableist against cluster B's or encouraging parents to love bomb. it's in the form of a comment on this reddit post from 6 years ago. here's the comment, from u/Glaucus92:

Lovebombing is part of the cycle of abuse. The cycle you'll usually find is this one:

Calm -> Tension building -> Incident -> Reconcilliation -> Calm

Lovebombing is part of the "Reconcilliation" part. After an incident, a victim will usually try to confront, give consequences to, or withdraw form the abuser. In order to keep the victim close, to keep power over them, an abuser may lovebomb their victim. It is not linked to a specifc role in an abisive dynamic. It is a technique used by abuser as a reaction to 'losing' a victim.

The abuser will (attempt to) be the person you always wanted them to be. That can be the parent that listens to you when you talk about your interest. It can be that they tell you how proud they are of you, how they've always been proud, etc. It can be that they buy you gifts or give you money. This behaviour isn't exclusive to abusive parents either; think of how an abusive spouse might organize a wonderful date or get an expensive gift for their victims.

The goal of the lovebombing is to give you a little taste of what you usually never get from them, be it attention, financial aid, praise, compliments, whatever. By giving you that tiny bit, they are basically pretending that they can be this nice, loving parent. The underlying unspoken message of course being that things could be like this, if only you tried harder, or weren't like x, or were more like y. Because without the realization that they are abusive, it doesn't make sense for them to purposefully hurt you and then be really nice to you.

Lovebombing insipres false hope that if only you could be better, the abuser wouldn't be abusive. It also helps wiht the gaslighting; when they do all these nice things for you in that moment, you might think that you over-exagerated the previous abuse. It's usually only when you look back and realise that all these 'nice' things only happened when you were upset with them or withdrew from them.

Since you asked for examples:

A parent who is usually very disinterested in your life suddenly makes a lot of effort to discuss you hobbies with you.

A parent might start to give you a lot of compliments all of a sudden, or tell stories about how they've told others about how amazing you are.

Parents might give you gifts for no reason. Stating that they just wanted to be nice, or just thought of you when they saw it.

They might start calling or visiting a lot, especially when they previously didn't. Saying things about how much they miss you.

Trying to harken back to 'the good old days'. Sending you pictures of happy childhood memories or recounting old stories.

It might be straight up bribery. A conflict happens, and after the intial blow up you are given cash/money to buy something nice or becasue they ust want to help.

A parent might try to smooth things over by taking you to a place or on a trip you wanted to go to.

I know some of these might sound like perfectly normal things, and they would be coming from non-abusive people. It becomes an abusive tactic when it happens more often than not (or in greater intesity) after a conflict has occured. It also almost always happens in lieu of an actual apology. By lovebombing instead of apologizing, the abuser doesn't have to take responisbility for their action. The unspoken agreement that governs this is that by accepting the gift/loveboming, the victim doesn't hold the abuser accountable.

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