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gin-no-bara · 4 years

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What mental illnesses do you think all the guys suffer from?

Shuu: Major Depressive Disorder

- Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day.

- Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all, or almost all, activities most of the day, nearly every day.

- A slowing down of thought and a reduction of physical movement (observable by others, not merely subjective feelings of restlessness or being slowed down)

- Fatigue or loss of energy nearly every day

- Feelings of worthlessness or excessive or inappropriate guilt nearly every day (Shuu doesn't necessarily show this all the time, but in some scenarios he is shown to be wracked with guilt over Edgar's "death")

Reiji: Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder

(This is very different from OCD since that usually involves an anxious focus on a certain thing, with obsessive, habitual behaviors, such as obsessive hand washing. A person with the Personality Disorder is something else entirely.)

- preoccupation with order, perfectionism, and must have control of themselves and situations

- rigid and stubborn in their ways

- insist that everything be done in specific ways, with their focus and attention based on adherence to strict guidelines and rules

- All expressions of emotions are tightly controlled because their focus is on logic and intellect

- tend to relate to others in a formal, stiff, or serious way.

Ayato: Narcissistic Personality Disorder

- an exaggerated sense of self-importance

- a sense of entitlement and require constant, excessive admiration

- Expect to be recognized as superior even without achievements that warrant it

- Exaggerate achievements and talents

- Believe they are superior

- Take advantage of others to get what they want

- Have an inability or unwillingness to recognize the needs and feelings of others

- Envious of others and believe others should envy them

- Arrogant, coming across as conceited, boastful and pretentious

- Insist on having the best of everything

But at the same time, these clients are insecure and have a deep-rooted sense of shame and low self-esteem which makes them have extreme difficulty handling criticism or anything they perceive as criticism. They will:

- Become impatient or angry when they don't receive special treatment

- Have significant interpersonal problems and easily feel slighted

- React with rage or contempt and try to belittle the other person to make themselves appear superior

- Have difficulty regulating emotions and behavior

- Experience major problems dealing with stress and adapting to change

- Feel depressed and moody because they fall short of perfection

- Have secret feelings of insecurity, shame, vulnerability and humiliation

Kanato: Reactive Attachment Disorder

This disorder is diagnosed in children. In the series it is implied that the boys are a couple centuries old. But it isn't clear whether the boys age slowly and are mentally still teens or if their mental development is the same as humans but their bodily aging stops at the teen/young adult years. Kanato, to me, seems as if he has aged very slowly. So that's why I'm going with this diagnosis. He was severely neglected as a child which oftentimes leads to this disorder. Here are some of the hallmarks he fits:

- a consistent pattern of inhibited, emotionally withdrawn behavior toward others (he only attaches himself to Teddy)

- rarely or minimally seeks comfort when distressed (instead tends to kill people and make them into dolls)

- rarely or minimally responds to comfort when distressed (he often will get even more mad or more manipulative when Yui tries to comfort him. It's only after a long time does he start to respond to her)

- A persistent social or emotional disturbance characterized by at least two of the following: Minimal social and emotional responsiveness to others, Limited positive affect, Episodes of unexplained irritability, sadness, or fearfulness that are evident even during non-threatening interactions (this is the most frequent characteristic we see in Kanato)

- Social skills are below what would be expected of either their chronological age or developmental level

- may respond to ordinary interactions with aggression, fear, defiance, or rage

- Affected children are more likely to face rejection by adults and peers (his brothers), develop a negative self-schema (calls himself pathetic), and experience somatic symptoms of distress (which is my theory as to why he eats so many sweets)

- RAD increases the risk of anxiety, depression, hyperactivity, and reduces frustration tolerance.

- likely to be highly reactive, even in non-threatening situations

Subaru: Intermittent Explosive Disorder

Involves repeated, sudden episodes of impulsive, aggressive, violent behavior or angry verbal outbursts in which you react grossly out of proportion to the situation, with no thought to consequences, and can include:

-Temper tantrums

-Tirades

- Heated arguments

- Shouting

- Slapping, shoving or pushing

- Physical fights

- Property damage

- Threatening or assaulting people or animals

Laito is the only one that I haven't decided on a diagnosis for as I explained here.

All of this is obviously just my opinion. Keep in mind that these diagnoses are based on the human psyche. I've had conversations with friends and we believe the vampire psyche is quite different, since they are highly emotional, sadistic, predatory creatures. And we don't know a whole lot about vampires in general in the series, and whether or not the boys' behavior is overall pretty normal for vampires in their universe. We don't know how normal it is for them to react to trauma in the same ways as humans, or if they develop the same sort of psychological disorders that humans do.

#diabolik lovers #darkdialovers #ask #shuu sakamaki #reiji sakamaki #ayato sakamaki #kanato sakamaki #laito sakamaki #subaru sakamaki

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barebonesblonde · 4 years

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Don’t Say You Love Me (Falling For A Psycho Girl)

So if you read the last post, you know i’m just dragging myself by the teeth and unkempt nails out of the dumpster fire that is my so-called “heart”;

I.e., yet another relationship bit the dust. The first one in 4 years. It was new, but i fell hard, because he was different and not an abusive fuck, was super-sweet, and had the brain-cooties too (not like mine, but still), so i could relate to him on a deeper level than most. But turns out, he’s already into someone else, if his FaceBook memes are any indication (which they almost certainly are), which makes me feel incredibly stupid and naive that i didn’t see it coming. He was probably talking to this girl romantically before things ended with us. Which puts things in a whole new light.

That light being — i am, and i reiterate, incredibly stupid and naive.

Which brings me to the next bit.

The very next day after things imploded in my face with this guy, a friend – a male friend – talked to me for three hours on the phone to cheer me up, make me feel better about my stupid little heart; and after we hung up, he messages me to confess to me that he’s in love with me.

Here’s the thing. It’s not that I don’t “love” this guy friend. In as much as I can feel love for him or anybody else. That sort of thing is reserved for a very small pool of people, and I’m not very good at it. Ask anyone who knows me, and they’ll tell you. I will disappear off the face of the earth for weeks at a time, and expect you to be ok with that. I have a hard time being emotionally available for most people.

My capacity for being In Love with a capital “L” is severely limited, and probably not defined in the way most people think of the word. I’ve experienced real, actual, true Being In Love probably twice in my life. Where it hit me hard, and i was both viscerally and emotionally affected by it, and wanted to put that person’s needs before my own and all that sort of thing, where i felt that gut-wrenching emotion when it ended for whatever reason. Where i felt emotions that had to do with THEM, and not just ME. Not just the selfishness of “romantic love”, which mostly has to do with how that person makes you feel, and less to do with the actual person. But when I did feel it, I felt it all the way. And crawling out of it is certainly no easy feat. In fact, I still love my first True Love — but he died many years ago, so there’s not much I can do about that.

I’ve certainly developed feelings, even felt love for a couple people I’ve dated — which evolved into true friendships, which I consider to be a type of love that’s different from being In Love, though still very worthy and much more likely to occur in a person’s life multiple times. Those instances of love are the people that i still speak to, despite whatever pain it cost to get us here, because we still actually had a real connection after the romantic bit ended. (The guy in the photo being one of those).

Of course, the question is, was it genuine Love ™ i felt for the Guy I Fell For if it wasn’t actually reciprocated? If he’s already moved on to someone else, then clearly it was one-sided on my part since i still have feelings, and he clearly does not.

I don’t know. The thing is, I can’t transfer my feelings from one person to the other so quickly. Or at all. Because for me, I rarely feel them to begin with.

Oh, in the past i’ve felt serious infatuation. When i was younger and unmedicated, i was capable of obsessive infatuation. Of course that ended when that person’s flaws came to the light, or they disappointed me. I see this one’s flaws quite clearly and still have the feelings. I hate it, but there it is. Maybe that’s the problem. For him, it was just infatuation.

Part of the problem of being a Psycho bitch — like, literally, I have ASPD (Anti-Social Personality Disorder, my secondary diagnosis, and it’s not severe, but it’s significant enough to be problematic. This is the first time I’ve talked about it, because the stigma surrounding it is so fucked up) — is that it’s not easy for me to connect with other people. Not in any genuine way. It’s considered to be, in my and many cases, the result of certain childhood experiences. It’s a fairly common reason for this fairly uncommon disorder. A protection that the brain constructs as a result of physical and psychological trauma. I recognize it, and i try to work on it. It’s not easy.

Here’s where the Mental Illness Education Bit comes in, folks. Because yeah, we’re doing that now. ASPD is a relatively new diagnosis – or rather, TERM for a diagnosis (in general, and also for Yours Truly), and it’s often interchanged with Sociopathy, which is often interchanged with Psychopathy. It’s not a Mental Illness, per se, but a Personality Disorder. Which might be wrong, for me, since it’s co-morbid with Schizoaffective Disorder which has some symptoms in common, and they gave me my ASPD diagnosis several years ago for what they thought previously was Bipolar – which is fairly obviously not my problem. I don’t have mood swings, per se, but i do have impulsivity, and lack of empathy, and other things that jive with the ASPD diagnosis. Apparently, my being slightly Sociopathic makes more sense. Honestly, i sometimes think they just liked slapping the label on a woman because it’s so rare.

On the other hand, it does kind of fit, if i’m going to be honest. I’m very good at the whole social mask thing. And i don’t feel things normally – haven’t ever, really.

I’ve never murdered anyone (yet), but i will certainly admit to having a lack of conscience or empathy where many things are concerned. Or, perhaps just a lack of emotion in general. My psychiatrists say it’s due to severe PTSD and trauma. As is true for many people with the disorder, as i mentioned.

The misapprehension people have, however, is that people with the disorder NEVER connect, or are incapable of it. This isn’t true. When we do connect, it’s definitely genuine and deep. We just don’t do it with many people at all. Mainly this is because we’re basically self-centered and pretty selfish. And not very “nice”. We have to work at it. We aren’t “empaths” or any of that new age crap. We don’t connect with the outside world very easily, or well. We can be manipulative. And in some cases, fairly narcissistic. Definitely overly-logical when being emotionally sympathetic is clearly called for.

But every once in a while, i really connect with somebody. And when that happens, it’s really not easy to let go. But when i finally decide it’s time that i do, it’s like that person never existed. It’s very black and white. Again, a protective thing my brain does, i suppose.

And God knows what I did to fuck things up with The Guy I Fell For, because that’s just it — i will do things out of my inability to be empathetic sometimes. Or patient. People will tell me that I’m sweet and kind, but really I admire those qualities in others, and try very hard to emulate them. I think I have those qualities in me sometimes, but I have to work at them. The very few people I do love bring them out in me. But even so, I fuck it up. Often. I didn’t have anything to model it after growing up, you see. So my version of compassion and normal love and affection looks rather like Helen Keller’s version of trying to describe the color blue, I rather suspect, sometimes.

But, i digress.

So, this friend – we’ll call him The Limey (because oddly enough, he’s also living way the fuck in another country) confesses his love for me, and i realize off the bat that my emotional response is all wrong. The wheels in my head are turning in all the wrong directions. It’s a welcome distraction, and an ego boost, and i latch onto it like a drowning woman for about a day. In some ways, he’s a perfect match for me. We’re good friends. He’s single, a talented musician, whipsmart, witty, kind of an asshole in all the right ways; he’s willing to come right out and tell me how he feels. He’s incredibly attractive, and sexy as Hell. He wants me to leave the damn country with him, for fuck’s sake. All the things i so desperately want. And, yes, i do like him, a lot.

But do i Love ™ him? No. Which comes into stark relief when he pisses me off by being a jerk to one of my friends – someone i do love (not romantically, but definitely love) and my first reaction is FUCK this Limey. I don’t even give him the benefit of the doubt.

My emotions are so shut down at this point that i can’t even conceive of giving the Limey a chance. Him, or anyone else for that matter. Because i’m done. I’m done connecting with people for a good while. I have the very few people in my little Universe of Discourse, and that’s all i need.

Clearly, the point here is that i’m damaged, but i’ve always been. I don’t think it means i need “help”, and i certainly am not asking for sympathy. I’m perfectly aware that i am fucked up. In fact, on one level, i’m happy to know that i’m still capable of falling for someone, as misguided as it may have been, and as hurt as i am from the way it all ended. It shows me that i do, in fact, still have a soul. That i’m capable of actually feeling something real, as opposed to my usual screwing around with abusive men — which is not love, but some weird head game i put myself through out of some need to torture myself.

Soooo, this post digressed wildly.

The point IS, i was flattered and moved by this friend’s declaration of love for about 48 hours before he pulled some crap that made me want to beat him over the head with a tire iron, and then i responded in my usual unsympathetic and offhand fashion because that is my default.

I’m fairly convinced at this point that i should just avoid romance altogether. I’m obviously bad at it, i pick the absolute wrong person nearly every single time, and then wonder why i’m miserable. Then i spend the next 3-4 years perfectly happy all by myself, which is just long enough to forget how miserable relationships make me. Rinse, repeat.

Plus there’s that whole thing where i have to explain that i’ve got the Brain Cooties…or Brain Worms (thanks, Jay, for that new term), which is never a fun conversation; like, “No, dear, i’m not going to knife you in your sleep, and no, i don’t hear voices telling me to roast your spleen with a nice Chianti. At least, not usually. NO, BABE. THAT WAS A JOKE…”

I just…i can’t.

If i end up like one of those old ladies with her cats living with her female roommate in the boondocks collecting furballs and molding them into puppets and selling them on Etsy, then so be it. Right now, it seems like the sane choice.

*photo of me and The Samurai – dear friend and fellow artist

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