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dg-fragments · 5 years

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Sleepless Screams

As midnight passes by me once more, I find my bloodshot weary eyes are no heavier than that of a Robin’s feather. Trapped again in the darkened basement of my unsettled mind and seeking the doorway out. I run from room to room only to find that with each door opened, vicious screams force the palms of my sweaty hands to my ears to muffle the sounds that thrive on my sleeplessness.

I know what’s behind every door laying in wait for me but I can’t force myself to not open them. I’d given up on the hope long ago that one door would somehow lead me out to any type of salvation. I immediately try to slam the doors shut again but they seem to disappear as soon as they’re opened. I feel useless and helpless as I stumble around in my own head looking for a way out.

With the walls inching closer together and the noise piercing my ears until they bleed, I curl in a fetal position at the center of the chaos and scream back from the depths of my knotted stomach until everything falls silent, unsure if I’ve forced the doors closed or if I’ve been deafened by it all. I try to stand with a disoriented and pounding head but my legs are shakey and useless and I cannot move.

I eventually lay on my back, thankful for the long awaited exhaustion that has set in as my eyes roll back and I drift off. Though these nights are not as frequent as before, I despise them nonetheless when they do come.

Submitted by @pumpkinrider

#pumkinrider #submission #not mine #writers on tumblr #poets on tumblr #sleepless screams

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savage-words · 5 years

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A Goodbye note to Anger

We’ve heard it said that “when the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of changing, we will change.” Well that time has come my friend. Time to release the old, embrace the new, and grow. Friend? Ha! As if I could really consider you, my anger, as a friend. As a young boy who was never taught self control, it was easy for me to be deceived by the webs you would spin…you and your friends, fear and hatred that would join us so frequently throughout our journey.

Looking back on the memories of my life thus far, I find that most of those memories are what torture my mind today. And of those that do, you were always present. While hiding deep inside my dirty old soul, you always seemed to have a knack for showing up at just the right time, and more so yet at just the wrong time. No amount of regret or shame could sway your presence, which was always so reassuring that things and thoughts would get better with another drink. And so I would take that next drink, and another, and another until that inner beast, caged only by fragile bars that you continually poke at with broken glass, would break free and begin its destructive run without stopping until he blacked out.

The look of fear and self hatred that I would get from the man in the mirror every next morning had me wearing my shame like a crown. I despised that man, and would rather shatter the mirror than to see you peering through his eyes with a wide smile. Over time, that beast has had to learn to live with pain and learn to be restrained. Despite the pleading and gut wrenching screams heard only in the black of night while alone, it seemed that God himself was even unwilling to help. And so, scared to death of my own mind, I would hold the bottle like a gun to my head placing bets on how I would die.

The dark places you’ve taken me with this devil that you’ve befriended, had me feeling closer to death while looking for an unknown freedom at the bottom of each bottle. At times I would try to walk that narrow way of hope, only to find that one foot would step over the line and I’d be gone again till the next day. I’ve grown tired of trying to drag the world through my hell and leaving you in my control of my addiction. The cost of my living has been more than I had planned while hiding at the bottom of this well. That life has tried to kill me. I’ve stared death in the face of a mirror, in the face of a friend, and in the face of family.

Anger, fear, and hatred have always had me believing that there was a big price on my head and I’ve always tried to live the reputation of the words on my imaginary wanted poster. I’ve learned that it’s always been in my head, and the only way to stop that turning is to stop your antagonizing ways. To stop clinging to your distorted sense of security and safe embrace. I’ve been left with a bad tortured soul for the life I’ve lived and things I’ve done. And you’d have me believing that there was never a way out, you’ve always had fear on my shoulder to remind me of that every time I thought there might be.

But there is a way out, and it’s time for me to rise up. Rise above you and my fear and my hatred and my addiction. My eyes have been opened so that I can now truly see you and everything that you’ve never done for me. Though my hands now shake from the lack of alcohol, they hold my heavy head steady as I set aside my pride and start to unload the excess weight of guilt and shame. With my candle now burning at both ends, I am giving up on you and the belief that you control my life. It will take time to have me washed clean of you and regain complete control of myself again, but it will happen. And with the help and support of loved ones and faith in our heavenly Father, I have already begun to release you from your self binding chains. I look forward to a new and better life in my recovery and never having to see or hear from you again.

Goodbye and good riddance.

_____________________________

written and submitted by @pumkinrider

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pumkinrider · 5 years

Text

A goodbye note to Anger

We’ve heard it said that “when the pain of remaining the same becomes greater than the pain of changing, we will change.” Well that time has come my friend. Time to release the old, embrace the new, and grow. Friend? Ha! As if I could really consider you, my anger, as a friend. As a young boy who was never taught self control, it was easy for me to be deceived by the webs you would spin...you and your friends, fear and hatred that would join us so frequently throughout our journey.

Looking back on the memories of my life thus far, I find that most of those memories are what torture my mind today. And of those that do, you were always present. While hiding deep inside my dirty soul, you always seemed to have a knack for showing up at just the right time, and more so yet at just the wrong time. No amount of regret or shame could sway your presence, which was always so reassuring that things and thoughts would get better with another drink. And so I would take that next drink, and another, and another until that inner beast, caged only by fragile bars that you continually poke at with broken glass, would break free and begin its destructive run without stopping until he crashed and blacked out.

The look of fear and self hatred that I would get from the man in the mirror every next morning had me wearing my shame like a crown, and I wore it well. I despised that man, and would rather shatter the mirror than to see you peering through his eyes with a wide smile. Over time, that inner beast has had to learn to live with pain and learn to be restrained. Despite the pleading and gut wrenching screams heard only in the black of night while alone, it seemed that God himself was even unwilling to help. And so, scared to death of my own mind, I would hold the bottle like a gun to my head placing bets on how I would die.

Goodbye and good riddance.

#pumkinrider #alcohol addiction #anger #getting sober #staying sober #alcoholics anonymous #dark souls #recovering alcoholic #sobriety #alcoholism #healing #demons in my head #it gets better #i just want to sleep #give all you can #cant sleep #believe in yourself #savage words

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pumkinrider · 5 years

Text

Sleepless Scream

As midnight passes by me once more, I find my bloodshot and weary eyes no heavier than a feather. Trapped again in the darkened basement of my unsettled mind and seeking the doorway out. I run from room to room only to find with each door opened, vicious screams forcing the palms of my sweaty hands to my ears to muffle the sounds that thrive on my sleeplessness.

With the walls inching closer together and the noise piercing my ears until they bleed, I curl in a fetal position at the center of the chaos and scream back from the depths of my knotted stomach until everything falls silent, unsure if I’ve forced the doors closed again or if I’ve been deafened by it all. I try to stand with a disoriented and pounding head but my legs are shakey and useless and I cannot move.

#pumkinrider #staying sober #recovering #alcohlism #alcoholics anonymous #sober #sobriety #getting sober #it gets better #alcohol abuse #healing #demons in my head #dark souls #give all you can #alcohol addiction #cant sleep #i just want to sleep

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