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#qnd my thoughts on why this is significant
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Stupid stupid rant about my friend
TLDR: Friends are disappointing! I should just isolate myself and focus on ⭐ving instead!!!
honestly kind of fucking hate my friend right now. he gets pissed off over the smallest fucking shif and he never fucking says anything. he like hates communication. its gotten to a point where i dont want to play games with him and our other friends because he just gets annoyed and yells at us. i always feel like im doing something wrong! im so uncomfortable all the time! and then they get confused and upset when i dont feel like playing again. buddy, how can i fucking enjoy anything when youre making me feel uncomfortable at best the whole time????
he reminds me of my ex so much its awful. i cant stand him sometimes. if you dont respond the right way or at all hes say some shit like "i should just die" or "you guys hate me" and i just! hate it! and he refuses to communicate ANYTHING. hed rather give you the silent treatment IN THE FUCKING VOICE CHAT. you ask him a question qnd youll have to keep repeating it for like ten minutes before hell answer because he got mildly upset. he got snippy with us because we didnt have the game open the moment he joined the call. he got fucking mad at us for mentioning school while were on break. like???? im fucking sorry that we briefly mentioned something thats been a part of our daily lives for the last like 12 years? and we barely even actually talked about school. i just got upset that ill have to sit with the annoying kids in my first period, and our other friend said that her voicemail was full of colleges doing college shit. not only that, its just really fucking dumb that hes upset over talking about school during break. its literally fucking ending, you cant not think about it. and does he think that hes the only one stressed over school?? one friend doesnt even have freetime during the week a majority of the time because shes doing so much school shit. i almost committed in freshman year! and even now, i need hours after school every day to decompress because im so fucking overstimulated and overwhelmed all day! and the third other person is taking FIVE AP CLASSES. their ass is swamped with work too!!! meanwhile, he can get home and have the time and energy to draw and play video games and record and edit videos all in the same day. if snything he doesn't get to say anything about not wanting to think about school while relaxing bc hes the most relaxed!
i asked him why he didnt tell us smtg would upsst him before we did it and he just responded with "i assumed you guys were cool." ok.
i mentioned that i had stolen sone of my parents alc while i was doing online school. yknow that period of time where i was struggling with dissociation and thoughts of committing? and nobody was fucking talking to me? he said that made me a bad person.
our friend has a girlfriend and naturally they spend a lot of time together. he gets upset seeing that theyre playing the same game or knowing that theyre hanging out without us. i dobt mind, i just wished shed let us know that she had plans rather than leaving out of nowhere. but he genuinely like despises her for spending time with her significant other.
ive stopped making plans with him because he kept flaking. he was always so indecisive and he would cancel plans the night before so often. sometimes even the MORNING OF. he would want to save money even if he wouldve spent a total of 10 dollars, or hed be too tired bc he refused to stop playing games the night before. i always go to bed earlier if im doing something the next day. i dont know why im not worth the same energy. honestly im not sure he actually likes hanging out with me, im just the only one willing to do the same things as him. the only plans that worked out were things he was absolutely going to do regardless of anyone going with him.
i dont wven know how to breach the subject with him because, again, hes so much like my ex. i know that if i make him feel bad, hell either get defensive or just freak out and cry about it. i listened to my ex say id be better off if he was gone in response to me venting way too many times to want to express my feelings about people ever again.
and it really sucks bc other times hes really nice and fun to be around. i just wonder if he dies actually like me at all. i feel like he sees me as less than sometimes.
idk i stopped being mad and got sad.
but i mean hes implied it before. he wants more friends to play cod and fortnite with and go to the park at night with. he never asks me to do thise things. im willing to play fortnite. i want to play cod. i want to do literally anything at night especially go to the park. he especially wanted more guy friends to do things with.
hed be happier being friends with the kids at school who hate me
idk. this is dumb. its 3am.
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thebroccolination · 1 year
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Key! I just read your recent post and I want your thoughts on a specific brief moment on the last part of the episode. What do you think motivated Win to be so blunt e go "all in" hitting on Team, when their last interaction (supposedly) left Win believing Team was dismissing him? After acknowledging that Team was excited and clearly horny (on some level, at least), qnd Team even says "don't touch me yet".... Win kisses him. A moment after Team pushes him away, and I see Win's expression turning to something like "What have I done?" Almost as if he was ready to spend the rest of his life overthinking this interaction =/ I would really like to know your take on this part, especially because we can see the internal conflict on both their faces, and Win, once again, going full force when he leaves in the open "follow me to my room". And the tiny small smirk!
I HAVE THOUGHTS ON THIS TOO. (Let's pretend to be surprised together. <3)
Okay SO, before The Scene, WinTeam left off on this note:
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In sequence: Team calls, "P'Win," Win pauses, Team thanks him, and then Win keeps walking.
We don't get to see Win's reaction to Team thanking him, but I think the fact that he didn't turn around is significant. I think it means that Win understands that he's starting to care about Team, and it might be frustrating for him because he doesn't know what to do with it yet.
Then we have this scene with Win and Dean.
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We know from what Pruk says earlier in the episode that Win only speaks gently to his younger brother, View. But Dean has even more insight, probably because he's known Win since high school. He's noticed that Win has been holding people at arm's length. It's clear from their full conversation that Dean didn't know the reason why Win does this, but the fact that Dean noticed at all tells me he's been paying close attention to how Win interacts with other people.
After all, sure, Win speaks gently to View, but View is his little brother. View calls Win when he needs something or when Wan is annoying him or ignoring him. View obviously loves Win, but their dynamic as it is in episode one doesn't seem balanced or mutually beneficial yet. When View needs someone, he calls Win, but I get the sense that at this moment in his life, when Win needs someone, he wouldn't call View.
He probably wouldn't call anyone. He'd probably try to deal with it himself.
So when Win says this,
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it tells me that Win truly sees himself as alone. He has friends, he has family, but it's very possible that Win only thinks he's fulfilling a role for every one of them. No one is actively prioritizing him, and he knows it.
And worse, he's accepted it.
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His "really" is flat, disbelieving, and it makes me think he's already resigned himself to a future where he doesn't have anyone for himself. Where he's a surface-level participant in the lives of everyone he loves. Liked and respected, but not especially essential to anyone.
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Dean knows, though.
And we know that Team is going to come to mean everything to Win.
But one thing to keep in mind about Win is that he's not a ~Romantic~ by nature. Remember the restaurant scene in UWMA when he said if he woke up with a red string around his pinky he'd cut the string? He's not exactly Pinterest-boarding his wedding at the moment. Dean's far more optimistic about Win's chances at finding someone than Win is.
So! After this, Win heads to dinner with the rest of the club. He chooses a seat with Team in his line of sight, and when Win looks at Team, there's a hint of the mischief that we know so well from his scenes in UWMA.
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One of the things I'm really enjoying about Between Us so far are the scenes like this one and the injury scene where Boun and Prem get to have silent but significant moments, to act only with body language and facial expressions. I think they're both phenomenal at it, and it's fun to try and interpret what's going on.
Win's part in the scene is short, but I think it establishes two things:
The soft music when we're shown Team through Win's POV implies that Win's thinking about Team differently now. More thoughtfully.
And then he does this:
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Which furthers the whole "lost in thought" vibe.
It'd be interesting, after a few more episodes, to revisit this scene and explore what might be on his mind. Because I think before his conversation with Dean, Win had put aside the whole idea of ever having a permanent something or someone. Like I said, he was just resigned to being alone. He's a pragmatist. You only need to watch his scene with Dean in UWMA or read the locker room scene in Hemp Rope to see how his mind is more logical than emotional.
And this is why I love UWMA and BU as parallel stories: Dean finding Pharm is the impetus for Win thinking about himself and Team differently.
Because it's not like Win doesn't know he's attracted to Team. He's known he's bisexual since high school, and Win's had his eye on Team
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this
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entire
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goddamn
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time
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and
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never
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stopped
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once.
(I didn't need to post all those to make my point but I did and now we can all look at Win's face together you're welcome.)
My theory is this: Win already knows he's attracted to Team. He just doesn't want to do anything about it. Because what's the point, right? Nothing belongs to him, and no one stays with him.
And it's entirely possible that if Dean hadn't found Pharm, Win might not have made a move toward Team, either. I think it was that conversation with Dean that changed everything for Win. That assurance from Dean that if Win ever does find someone he wants to pursue, he'll do whatever he can to keep them with him. Like Dean will do with Pharm.
So while Win and Team didn't have the warmest end to their last direct interaction on the beach, a lot has been going on with Win in the meantime.
When he meets Team again, Win snaps at him again.
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But he's worried. Just like at the beach, this isn't Vice President of the Swim Club Concerned, this is Phawin Concerned. Win is still being kind of snippy about it, but his voice gets increasingly less sharp until these last two lines where he sounds almost plaintive.
Then he notices the cause of probably the single most awkward moment of Team's young life and says this:
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And I really like the way he says this because it's a fascinating mix of the severe Win we've known throughout this first episode and the lighter, teasing version of Win we know from UWMA. He's changing! Before our very eyes!
On the flip side, Team's been nothing but polite in response to Win being a jerk. He's never pushed back when Win pushed him. But as we know from UWMA, Team being a contrary brat is anything but a turn-off for Win. I think Win likes people who challenge him—after all, his best friend is Dean.
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So I think Team's ornery little "no" is what Win responds to. It's a hint of the brat we know from UWMA.
But the thing is, even when Win does his whole thing ("you're warm, you're blushing, and you're breathing heavily"), I don't think Win is actually intending to do anything about it. I think he's just pushing Team's buttons, because he does the same thing in UWMA with this exact little smirk:
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I think Win just misjudged how much experience Team had. I think Win interpreted Team's genuine awkwardness as playing coy, which is why when Team pushed him away, he made this face:
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That's definitely a "Loading Window" face. Like, "Oh, he's genuinely inexperienced. Ohhhh shit."
That's why he goes into the whole consent scene, I think. He assumed Team was more experienced than he was, and when he realized Team was either less experienced or completely inexperienced, he started from zero. "Are you drunk?" "Are you seeing anyone?" etc. etc. etc.
BUT I'M GOING TO STOP BEFORE I DO A WHOLE BIG ESSAY ON THE CONSENT SCENE GOOD NIGHT <3
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just-absolutely-super · 8 months
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(Different anon)
Lan & Mega are walking down a forest covered road, as it's a shortcut to the next town, when they find some sort of tent, when they approach the campsite, they see a strange oldman sitting at a table, playing with a deck of cards. When the two of them get close enough, they see that the tent in queation is blue in color, qnd seems to be made of velvet, the old man has a very long nose, and bugged out eyes.
???: Welcome, welcome. It's not often i have guests here. Why don't you sit dow, and enjoy some,,, curry.
Lan: Curry you say?
Mega gives Lan a weird look
Mega: (lan, you know better than that!)
Lan: but it's curry!
???: No need to be alarmed, my name is Igor
Igor: now then, why don't you get a bowl of curry, and read your fortune.
Lan: *excitedly does as Igor suggests*
Mega: *sniffing the curry to try to detect something funny, there is none*
Igor: hmm, The Lovers, normally a choice down a crossroaded path, often it's signifies the choice of Love, but it can mean other kinds of choices, and,,, death. Normally this one involves significant change in one's life, but people misinterpret it to mean death is imminent
Lan: huh?
Igor: simply put, these 2 cards together means you lost someone you care about. But there may be something i can do for you.
Lan & Mega: *look at each other, then back to Igor*
Igor (thinking): that Cofagrigus has a Human soul, usually they forget upon evolution. But, if there's enough human left in him, then maybe this spell will work.
Igor then gets out a bag of powder, and sprinkles it on Mega.
Lan: ??? What did tou do?
Igor: simply put, I cast a spell on your Cofagrigus. If he desires to be human again, he'll transform into his Human form, but should he desire to turn back into a pokemon, then he'll stay as or turn back into a pokemon. After all, the Human heart is very fickle.
Kinda strange we're making Igor from Persona into this wizard dude but alright. I know all this is crack AUs in the first place, but I'm not making this one connected to the other Pokemon AU posts. It's going to be an AU of an AU
Mega: Ack, it's in my eyes! Lan help!
Lan: Hang on... Geez, that's a lot more than I thought. And transformations? What are you talking about old man--HUH?! Where did he go?!
Mega: I don't know, I was getting that powder stuff out of my face
Lan: Weird, he just up and vanished... At least I got some of this curry
Mega: What did he mean by me transforming back into a human?
Lan: Not sure, but you heard what he said. If you desire it, it'll happen. Do you want to be human again?
Mega: Yeah...more than anything actually
Lan: Then maybe what he says will happen. Maybe you'll turn back into a human
Mega: It'd be nice...
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bucephaly · 3 years
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You wanna feel.the joy of reading an entire novel in one night like you did when you were a kid? Easy! Simply have a paper to procrastinate and youll find that the novels done and its 1am in no time!
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baconmeetstoothpick · 6 years
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Why I didn't want to consult a psychologist
I guess im suicidal. Every time i drink and lose myself, I attempt to kill muself qnd I don't know why. I've been experiencing anxiety attacks, and today specifically, it has become worse. I ruined my significant other's family's Christmas and my family's Christmas. It could have been happy. I wanted it to be. But no. I ruined it. The only people who have accepted me. I don't want to consult a psychologist because I don't want to be seen as my mental illness. I don't want to be defined by my anxiety or my suicidal thoughts. But now, I guess it won, huh. I have to leave the only person who accepted me for who I am because I know his family will never accept me now. I'm too broken for him, I guess. No one deserves me. No one deserves someome as fucked up as me. I almost killed myself last night and sadly I didn't succeed. I wish I succeeded though. So I can finally stop thinking. So my mom won't have to deal with me. I don't deserve these people. I hate myself. I hate me.
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