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#quarantine thoughts

The Discourse around Feathered Dinosaurs had the potential to be an object lesson in the scientific method and the evolution of knowledge, but it was bungled spectacularly by people who knew more about paleontology than communication.

This is why you teach humanities.

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I’ve been here since 2011, which makes it almost a decade on Tumblr. It’s been a long journey with many changes, including concerning myself. I started from my early teens and now I’m in my early 20’s, which may not be much, but at the same time it’s quite a lot.

And today I noticed that the only friend from real life I had here - who also hasn’t been my friend for years now - no longer uses her account… which was something like a second end to our friendship and my school years. To be honest, I’ve been through the “being sad about it” phase a long time ago, but when I noticed this, something really sad took over me by surprise.

Tumblr has been a safe place for me for years now. It’s where I can come to be sad or to deal with my mental issues or to be pissed at this crazy world around us or (nowadays, only seldom) to be heartbroken. I was here through the times I failed math and physics, to the day i had my first kiss, to graduation and being a freshman at college to my first panic attacks to almost all the depression episodes and to now, during a pandemic full of other sad and concerning things to think about. It’s been with me when I travelled for the first time and when I felt (as sometimes I still feel) utterly alone.

I still don’t see myself getting too far from here; maybe someday, but certainly not at this moment. I still need this platform just as much as I needed when I was a confused 13 year old girl - maybe I need it now more than ever.

I don’t really know why I started this post, but the fact I mentioned made me feel, once again left out of something… just the way I used to constantly feel at school and about the friends I had back then. Maybe I felt this odd because I keep on trusting the wrong people and feeling left out or lied to, even though I always promise myself I won’t be made stupid once again. Maybe it’s because I keep seeing everyone I used to know evolving while I’m still here, deeply afraid of the world around, feeling like I can’t and won’t fit eventually and I will just find out things changed for others through fragments left from their lifes.

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Not to be sentimental or anything but little insignificant memories of something a friend said pop into my head now and then and make my day so much happier

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Good morning,

I have changed my routine. I’m no longer rolling out of bed and onto my laptop lol this month I’m going to pray, fill up on h2o, walk my dog, wash my face etc my normal routine so that I don’t feel so disgusting after waking up

hell I might even get in on this Korean skin care thing

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i think i’m going to start posting more. even though i highly doubt anyone really follows this lol. it’s more for my own pleasure. i don’t post on any other platform of social media really so i figured i’d give it a shot. i kinda like the idea that this is a raw form of my own thoughts, in short, “my diary.” making it public makes it feel riskier and like i have a little secret. idk sounds dumb but i think it’s exciting lol. not to mention this whole post was inspired by my “what am i doing with my life” mental breakdown the other day and i realized i seriously do not post on social media. and i was scared because i’m like, is that necessary today? do we have to have a social media presence in order to be relevant? or to even work in the professional world? i find it extremely beneficial for my mental health to just check the fuck out. so much of it is a social prison that i got lost in. with all the hatred and judgment, it was affecting my self worth. sooo i cut that negativity out. feels good. but i’m treating this as a word vomit blog.

xoxo

hpfreedo

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Home; such a vague little thing.

Mostly assiociated to a place, sometimes a person.

But shouldn’t our home be ourselves?

I often find things to associate to home— my place of residence when I was away in college, my college when I started working, and at one point in my life, a person.

Often times, I’ve thought of home being somewhere far away. Somewhere where I used to physically live and spend a piece of my life.

Sometimes, a home is somewhere you haven’t seen before. Or could be somewhere you spend the littlest time, and yet affect you deeply that that place could be your home, more than anything else.

Being in a place for almost five years now, I still long for something else to call home— a place or a person, I don’t know.

I want to uproot myself and ground somewhere else.

But again, shouldn’t our home be ourselves?

Are you really home?

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I know that the coronavirus is a huge, worldbending thing right now but I want to have one, just one, conversation today that is not about it, and especially not about “social distancing”. I’ve stopped reaching out to people as much as I would 3 months ago because the thought of being alone is so much preferable to the thought of having one more conversation about social fucking distancing. I am still talking to my family and my partners family almost every day, and that is all they are talking about so I will humor them but it is so soul sucking.

I get that the distancing and isolation and all that shot is important. I’m doing all the things, I’m wearing the mask, and my partner and I I haven’t been anywhere besides the grocery store in almost 3 months and I am absolutely not planning on going anywhere now that things are opening up in my area because I don’t think it is responsible.

But I’ve always dealt better with things just by buckling down and doing them. On swim team as a child I was always the first one in the freezing cold water every morning because I thought it was better just to start and not stand around griping about it. I’d much rather just put my head down and do the work and save myself the pain of endlessly spinning my wheels about it. I’ve already missed all of this years life events and fun and travel so there is really nothing I care about doing now in comparison. I can just buckle down and entertain myself at home with my books and my knitting and my DVDs of Downton Abbey. I can fundamentally do the work of distancing. But please do not make me participate in this endless spinning and spinning around it.

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if all plant and food died out you could essentially eat a small enough chunk of your flesh so itll semi grow back then wait for three weeks and eat another piece of your piece of your flesh until plant life grows back enough to have food

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This might just be the loneliness of quarantine talking, but hear me out…

I really just need someone to cuddle with all day,

Someone to wake up next to in the morning

Someone who I can make laugh and who will make me laugh

Someone who I can sing songs to, love songs or goofy songs, the genre doesn’t matter

Someone who I can snuggle up against while watching TV

Someone who will come up behind me and tickle me while I’m cooking

Someone who I look up at and when they smile down at me I know I’m the one who made them smile

Someone who I will have fights with when I do or say something dumb, but who I will then apologize to in tears and then hug and make up with

Someone who will laugh at my shit taste in music, but who’s taste isn’t much better

Someone to be all my firsts, but maybe not my lasts

Just someone who I care about and who cares about me.

But again, this may just be the quarantine talking so…

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