#queue humans don't make any sense to me

[byunpum]

They caught us

Pairing: Neteyam x human reader

Tags: fluff, cuddling, teasing, crushes, playful biting, lots of kisses

Warning: light teasing, some smut 18+, the characters have 20's

AVATAR MASTERLIST | Part 1 , Part 2, Part 3 | Part 4

It was a peaceful day at the camp in the mountains. You had been doing your daily task all day, helping Norm with various tests he had to do for his new investigations. You were also helping Jake with the new tracking maps that Norm had given him. Technology was not his thing, that's why he was always looking for his "favorite daughter-in-law", jake joked with that line. According to him, neteyam and you spent all their time together. Neytiri always tapped him on the arm or gave him a blank stare. You didn't have a bad relationship with Neytiri, she always trusted you. She never said anything when you and neteyam would go for a walk, spend time together, even if there were shows of affection between the two of you. It never bothered her, but when someone hinted that you and neteyam might be a couple, you could see her disapproving face.

You didn't get to see any of the boys during the day, you only knew that loak, spider and neteyam were out for a ride, because tuk told you about it. And since you had already finished all your homework, you decided to go to the lab, to see what you could do there, until it was time for dinner. You went in and noticed that there was no one there, norm and max had gone out to do god knows where. As there was no one there, you decided to go to your room. You could go to it, through a door that connected to the lab. It was a hallway, with doors and one of them was your room. You go in…and literally take off your clothes, leaving you with only an oversized shirt and a pair of panties. You lay face down on your bed, watching an old movie on the tablet that Norm had given you for your birthday.

An hour passed, you were so into the movie, until the door to your room opened. Neteyam's head popped in the door, he didn't want to make any noise. He saw that you were in bed and decided to come in. He had keys to your room, actually he was the only one who had them. And it was for good reasons, the first was that if something happened he could come to look for you, the second was because it was easier to meet you at night. He came in quietly, listening as you were singing softly, the song you heard in the movie. He moved in behind you and let himself fall down.

You screamed in fear and tried to turn around. But you calmed down when you heard his laughter. "What are you doing? Let go of me!!!" you complained as you tried to turn around. But it was almost impossible, neteyam was heavier than you and not to mention that he was twice your size. You swear he was more muscular. "mmm I don't want to, I want to stay here. On top of you mmm" says neteyam as he hugs you more and relaxes his body on top of yours. "come on, let me get comfortable…and I'll let you hug me all you want." You moan. He lifts up a little on his elbows, leaving a little space between you and him. You settle down so that you are on your back, he settles back on top of you. Instinctively you wrap your legs around his sides, just above his waist. "Mmm you smell good" says neteyam with his head buried in your neck. "I've been outside all day, I must not smell good" you speak, stroking her hair, and tracing your fingers through his queue. Making him purr. "oh no, honey…your smell is wonderful" you can feel, as he gives several wet kisses. As he gets closer, his hands were embracing you completely. You could feel him exploring your whole body.

Neteyam had become a little more needy in the last few months, and you knew it. He was touching you more than usual. If you were next to him, he would brush his hands over your hips. Or he would move closer to your neck so he could smell your scent. He would stare at you longer, and you could sense that his gaze was not at all innocent. "Nete… what's wrong with you?" you ask him with a little smile, placing your hands on the sides of his face, making him look up at you. Neteyam looks at you, to get close to your face and kiss you. "I love you" says Neteyam, between kisses. Some on your lips and others on your eyes. "I love you too" you laugh, his lips tickle you. Neteyam sits on the bed, and grabs the back of your thigh, to get more comfortable. "I want you…" Neteyam already had his hands down your shirt. " but… you said you didn't want to hurt me" your voice was cut off, as neteyam's fingers rubbed the sides of your stomach, while he kissed your neck. He was pressing himself harder against you. You reached back to kiss him again.

You started to lift your hips to try to find some friction, neteyam noticed this movement and started to imitate your movements. You moaned a little, it felt so good. Your shirt was already halfway down your body, and he was still placing sloppy kisses here and there. He lifted himself up on top of you, to get more comfortable. "Did you close the door?" you ask him, as you run your hands over his stomach. "Yes, yes" he spoke a bit excited, you glanced down at his loincloth and you could already see his growing erection. Neteyam looked at you, and gave you a cheeky grin. As he settled on top of you again. "Do I get another kiss?" asks Neteyam as he starts kissing you. You laugh into the kiss.

"Y/N has to be in his room" says norm, as he is escorted by jake and neytiri down the hallway on the way to your room. Jake had been having trouble with the maps and was looking for you to help him again. "this place is horrible," says neytiri walking next to jake. "there are worse places." norm laughs, as she guides him to your room.

The situation had already escalated, the only noise you could hear in the room was the moaning of both of them. Neteyam was already on his way to your panties, his hand stopped on the edge of them, playing a little. " you know… I hate this thing" he says as he continues kissing neck. " Well, if you want you can take it off" you flirt with him a little bit, pinking your nose against his. While neteyam trails under your panties, brushing his fingers on your little nub. You moan softly, stealing a kiss from him. "mmm don't tease me" you speak, not noticing your bedroom door opening.

You were so entertained between the two of you, you didn't notice the door open. Norm stood in front of Jake and Neytiri. The three of you were silent. No words came out of their mouths, they were in a state of shock. Neteyam was on top of you, your shirt was up, neteyam was kissing you, and they could see where neteyam's hand was. Jake's face changed and so did Norm's. "NETEYAM!!!" neytiri yelled. You two opened your eyes. And tried to get settled as fast as you could. "What's going on here?" neytiri shouted. "It's so obvious!!!" says Jake, making Neytiri look at him, and he changes his gaze. "Mom, I can explain," says Neteyam, sitting on your bed.

You didn't know what to say, you were adjusting your shirt. The situation in itself was embarrassing. "Why-why don't we just let them…. We'll be waiting for you in the lab," says Norm, pushing everyone out of your room. Neytiri was still screaming, while Jake dragged her with him. You two stood there, silent. Until neteyam started laughing.

"Your mother will murder me!!!" you say, and throw yourself backwards on your bed. Neteyam laughs, and lies down next to you. He moves, to bite your ear. "Hey …. are you calm because nothing is going to happen to you" you say. "I'm not going to let anything happen to you" says neteyam lying on top of you again. "Neteyam! They are waiting for us!!!" you moan, as you play along. "Then let them wait".

#avatar the way of water #avatar 2022 #avatar x reader #avatar x you #avatar x y/n #neteyam sully #neteyam #neteyam x reader #neteyam x you #neteyam x y/n #neteyam x human reader #neteyam x fem reader #neteyam x mate reader #neteyam imagine #human reader #human y/n #female y/n #quaritch x human reader #miles quaritch x reader #recom quaritch #spider x reader #spider socorro #jake sully x reader #kiri x reader #loak x reader #neytiri x reader #neytiri x human reader

[eywathemother]

Fish Lips Chapter 9

Ship: Aonung x Kiri's twin sister!Reader

Warnings: Language, bullying, gore, fighting, talk of war, injury and blood, slow burn, enemies to lovers (not really a warning just some people don't like that trope), death of (a) character(s), not proofread, mentions of reader being depressed

Words: 1,901 (kinda short sorry)

Keys: (y/n) = your name,,(y/i/n) = your Ikran's name,, Neural Queue= the braid extension of a Navi's nervous system that allows them to link up to animals and Eywa,, (y/n/n) = your nickname),, Bold is English,, Italic is sign language,,Bold italics is when you're communicating with Kiri,,

Chapters; Introduction || Part 1 || Part 2 || Part 3 || Part 4 || Part 5 || Part 6 || Part 7 || Part 8 || Part 9 || Part 10 ||

My taglist is wack ass hell so I won't be doing taglist requests anymore. It takes me about half an hour to update the taglist as well, so it's more time consuming then I originally thought.

Spoilers for Avatar: The Way of Water A whole ass lot.

Special dt: @k1rislov3r

This is mainly a filler chapter so apologies if it's a bit dry, I'm trying to go into as much detail with the reader and her life so that the plot makes more sense. Also, I FINALLY CAUGHT UP TO MY CLASSES SO I CAN FOLLOW MY POSTING SCHEDULE, YAYYYY!!!! Thank you guys for your patience, I really appreciate it.

I did delete the original chapter for this so the sneak peek I posted was for the old chapter, this is the final cut for the chapter so it's completely different than what I posted. The reason why It took so long for me to post today was because I was editing mama Neytiri *smirking intensely*. Also, my brain is still fried, and I start more classes tomorrow so....I'm crying internally.

You hadn't gone to sleep until an hour before sunrise, so you were exhausted to say the least. Jake was okay with you sleeping in some more for rest, but Neytiri countered, you needed to do your chores and you had said the night before you would watch Tuk. Kiri was going to assist Ronal and Neytiri in Tsahik-training and the brothers were joining a hunt with Aonung and Rotxo earlier in the morning.

Neytiri was upset with your reckless decision to stay up so late but she had promised Kiri would be done by lunch so you could take a nap. You had been struggling with nightmares, you had no idea what they meant, and you refused to talk about them. Even Kiri was clueless to your nightmares.

Kiri didn't think you'd hide anything from her, as you both promised to always share everything, and it was very difficult to hide anything from each other. You held your end of the promise... somewhat, you didn't want to worry her or anyone, so you hid it.

You couldn't even turn to Eywa for help, as you couldn't even properly connect to the tree. Mo'at thought it was a sign from Eywa for some greater purpose for you in life, but Norm thought it was something to do with the malfunctioning of your Neural Queue. He explained that the Avatar's body is not as fully functioning as a Na'vi body at times, and you could've unluckily gotten some sort of mutant gene from the human DNA that didn't allow your Neural Queue to work the same as others. It was odd though, you had no issue connecting to animals, just connecting to any trees related to Eywa.

You had tried before, the farthest you had gotten to connecting to Eywa was a white room of sorts. Nothing but you, the brightness of the white around you, and the echos of your voice begging for someone to respond.

That was the day the nightmares had begun, depicting war and violence, filling you with nothing but anger and hatred towards the sky people. On occasions even towards Jake, who you had lashed out at saying to him he was nothing but ' a disgusting alien bringing violence and war wherever he went.' Of course, you apologized and got heavily grounded afterwards, but Neytiri was beginning to worry that the lack of connection you had with Eywa was starting to affect you.

You tried not to let it affect you too much, you tried not to stress over things way beyond your control.

As of now you had your head rested in your hands, sitting crisscross with your elbow resting on your knee. Tuk was playing in the water, looking at surrounding coral and observing the fish.

You tail wagged a bit, moving lazily over the rock you were sitting on. You hear footsteps next to you, several people calling out your name.

" (y/n)!!" Lo'ak was the first to make his way to you, Tuk turning to him with." Hi Lo'ak!" She smiled before a yellow-ish green fish caught her attention; she immediately went back to observing the waters.

" Where's Neteyam?" You asked, your ears perked up at his presence, watching as he plopped himself next to you. He pointed towards the beach." He, Rotxo, and Aonung were right behind me, I don't know where they went though. Don't really care either." He shrugged, placing his feet in the water.

"Oh." You yawned, you were trying your best to stay awake but you knew you'd pass out soon." Hey, do you mind watching Tuk for a little bit?" You asked Lo'ak and he gave you a side eye. He wasn't happy about it but he knew something was bothering you and keeping you up so of course he wasn't going to be apathic towards you and keep you from sleep.

" Yeah sure, be here before dinner though. Mom will be upset if you're not back by then." You nodded and stood up, stretching your body from being in the same position for almost half an hour.

Normally your napping routine included flying (y/i/n) to a random and secluded area and napping together until it was time to head back. That or you let her fly freely through the air as you napped on her back.

This time you wanted to be alone, you currently didn't want to be around anyone or anything. You just wanted to lie down someplace and just sleep. Hopefully dreamless.

You made your way into the woods, not bothering to really watch where you're going, just trying to stay on your feet. You wanted to lay yourself on the ground floor of Pandora and just listen to the heartbeat that echoed from within the empty-feeling heart of Eywa. Your true mother, you may not be able to connect to her with your braid, but you didn't need to.

You could hear her silent comforting words within the wind, whispering in your ear words of encouragement that had never left your parents lips. Your feet carried you across the Earthy flooring of the walkway towards the denser part of the forest. The mother trees, the children, all of their silent voices being carried by the cool breeze.

The sound of the ocean's waves hitting the beach slowly vanished as your ears focused on listening to the birds and rustling of the trees. The longer you listened the more you tried to think of it as the Jungle's trees rustling or the animals singing.

You missed your home, and you will miss it as long as you remained on this planet. You were slowly falling into a depression, missing your home, your people... your family. It wasn't the type of sadness to make you cry, but the sadness that put a hole in your chest and made you feel empty. The Jungle was a part of you, and you missed it terribly.

You laid down on a patch of grass, running your hand over the blades of grass. Feeling the edges of the plant tickle your palm and the tips of your fingers. A comforting warmth drifted over you, the wind dying down as you closed your eyes and listened to the breath of the planet. You slowly began to drift, finally being able to rest.

Red. Orange. Yellow. Fire.

Surrounding you, ingulfing you but it didn't burn. It was like the rage of the flames understood you and you understood it. War almost feeling natural and like your second nature. You felt nothing as you cut through the humans like their life meant nothing to you.

It didn't, you could care less about these murderous and destructive aliens from afar. You wanted them dead, you wanted all of them to disappear. You weren't just angry, or rageful, you were vengeful. You were going to give them what they had given you, you were going to make them feel how you felt as you watched your friends and loved ones die for a fight that would never have happened if it weren't for them.

If it weren't for Jake Sully, HE started this, HE is the reason you are all on the run. Why didn't he just kill them all, why did he let them go back home in one piece. You would've shredded them until they weren't even recognizable, showed them to Eywa, your beloved mother that you would protect her at all costs.

These weren't your thoughts; you would never think this way of your father. What was this dream, who was this unrecognizable being?

You jolted awake, beads of sweat running down your face and tears sprung to your eyes. You hated these feelings, they were so foreign like they weren't even yours, but in a way comforting. You wanted to deny them but, on some level, you knew that you agreed with them.

You stood up and headed your way to a small stream nearby. You splashed water onto your face, wiping the tears from your eyes and staring at your reflection in the water.

You stood up, looking around realizing how late it was. It was way past Eclipse. You ran hand through your hair and drew a breath preparing to be grounded again. This was what? Your third or fourth time breaking a rule or causing trouble. Honestly you didn't care, at this point it'll happen at least every week.

You heard footsteps approaching you and you spun around on your feet in alert. Aonung appeared, he blinked a bit in surprise and then grinned." You have some awesome hearing, I thought I was being sneaky."

You rolled your eyes." You stomp, there's no way you could survive in the woods with those." You pointed at his feet, and he grumbled under his breath." My feet are not that big." He protested, placing a hand on his hip, his ears back in annoyance.

A small silence broke out, and you tried your best to keep your normal aggravating smirk placed on your lips. Aonung could see past it though, he paid enough attention to tell that you were not doing so well. He didn't watch you or anything, he was just very aware and constantly read people. Maybe at times he would watch you with someone and pick up on your mannerisms more than he would with anyone else, but so what you were his friend.

Well...friends a stretch still.

" What's wrong?" He asked, he might not be the best at comforting, but he was willing to try. You brushed him off." Your presence always seems to dampen my mood, have you not noticed?" You teased but he didn't return your teasing.

" I'm serious, whatever's bothering you, you can tell me." Aonung placed himself in front of you and placed a kind hand on your shoulder. Your shoulders tensed and your jaw tightened, the smirk falling off your face for a split second.

" Now what's got you all tinder hearted your big teddy bear!" You pinched the side of his ribs lightly and he instinctively pulled away." What? What is a t-eddy barer??" You slapped a hand over your mouth giggling at his terrible English." Did you just insult me? It is one of those human insults, isn't it?"

Your worries and bad dreams disappeared instantly, Aonung unintentionally brightened your day-or rather night. Speaking of night, you needed to hurry and get back to your families Marui. You looked towards the path that led you back to the beach.

" Don't worry, it's not as late as it seems, just after dinner. Lo'ak and I covered for you so you're fine." He gave you his charming smile, the calmest you've ever seen him be. You grinned, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and dragging him closer to you." You know...I kinda like you a bit now."

" Just a bit?" He teased and he placed a hand on your other shoulder. You put your other hand up and put your pointer finger and thumb almost touching." Just a smidge."

" So does that mean I've finally won you over?" He asked, his tone was light and teasing but he was asking an actual question he's been dying to bring up." Won me over? Hell no!" You shook your head." I'm not gonna be friends with you that easily, you have to do something biiiig." You exaggerated and he rolled his eyes, he should've known he wasn't going to get a real answer out of you.

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Taglist; @akinatrix , @willowbrookesblog , @lovesickbtch , @ao-sleepy , @elli-aesthetics , @ducks118 , @aeclark04 , @audigay ,@lola-bunn1 , @curlszx88 , @kidwithaheavystick , @weridpersonhelp , @yeosxxx , @tsamiaxoo , @shartnart1 , @tsukette , @daphne000 , @amarillyssnowdrop , @neteyamsmate4life , @stitch-lele , @purplefsh , @dumb-fawkin-bitch , @goodiesinthecloset21 , @theghostofshadows , @aonungs-tsahik , @simpliheavenli , @bob-the-ikran , @littleshybunbun , @werelosingdaylight , @ijwsbdinp , @xoxovienna , @findingourtreasure , @yogirlfriend , @pussymode , @wilmalovegood , @valentineheartzz , @lovekeeho , @isnt-itstrange , @ifevilwhyhot , @dngnmtr-blog , @yuzxi18 , @cupidddd-d , @emilia-the-artist , @essiemolololol , @aisselasstuff , @kitkat1690 , @howlerwolfmax , @bottleofsoju , @galaxyfruits , @sunwayx , @hana-1235 , @mad-simp420 , @jakesullys-bitch , @rinizitos , @zilena9 , @sakurayuki8655-blog , @artistodilflord , @fucksnow , @Icrimsons ,

@mad-simp420 , @philiasoul , @heartueheartue , @guska0 , @aisselasstuff , @neteyamsw , @bella82vsps , @lessoswifereallll , @cupidlot , @thornlessrose , @silversnake13 , @caediez , @galaxyfruits , @ohashley101 , @claireionaire , @ghost-lantern , @nijha2tact , @nyotamalfoy , @bajadotcom , @gamorxa , @friendly-reject , @madaramyluv , @shootingstarforever-blog1 , @rratman , @pitypinkabyss , @gayseokjin2 , @av-sos , @elegantkidfansoul , @itsthetiss65 , @mysteriouszer0 , @useryourbut , @inosukehasibara , @luvlykrispy

#avatar #avatar the way of water #avatar x reader #aonung #aonung x reader #avatar ao'nung #atwow aonung #aonung x you #ao'nung x you #atwow ao'nung #ao'nung x reader #ao'nung #ao'nung fanfiction #avatar aonung #aonung fanfiction #aonung fic #ao'nung fic #atwow x reader #atwow #atwow aounung x reader #avatar 3 #the way of water

[still-a-morosexual-help]

I mean I would argue that the dame culture presented in game is at least comparable to drag, in the way that it's a very performative kind of gender presentation that is completely unrelated to the performers actual gender, but I totally agree that om is clearly presenting the event as something other than cross dressing or the traditional understanding of drag as a man in a dress and it's really nice to see! Its like- gender performance vs performative gender if that makes any sense? Idk lol but it's really nice to see men performing femininity without any shitty jokes

Also it's really funny to me that beel keeps breaking his heels because they absolutely make heels for drag with steel reinforcements so either he's breaking THOSE (wouldn't put it past beel) or they don't have that kind of heel in the devildom lol

Sorry you're getting weird terfs harassing you :(

No I get that!! I definitely see it as being comparable to drag (which is not a bad thing! Drag is great and allows for a lot of gender expression and there's different kinds of drag) but it also feels different? I think it's because the Devildom doesn't seem to hold any of the gender stereotypes of the human world? Which affects the entire event.

I've spoken about it in my previous posts and in some that are still on queue but;

The dressing up/crossdressing is never treated as anything other than normal. Even when the brothers have problems with it it's never with the actual part of becoming a "dame" - it's things like breaking their heels or being too lazy to put in too much effort.

Being a "Dame" is a character, just like how in drag most people play characters, and a Dame is characterized by "nobility" : the Dames are supposed to be kind, gracious, selfless, poised characters

This is shown in OM! by how Mammon loses his accent whenever he's performing as a "Dame". But there's a lot of intertwining/overlap between acting the part of the Dame and the brothers' everyday gender presentation

Barbatos and Asmo somewhat put an emphasis on show makeup (aka exaggerated makeup) versus everyday makeup, they're both well versed in both kinds

Asmo wears a lot of stereotypically feminine clothes & makeup & heels in everyday life without it affecting how he views himself as a man

Mammon and Lucifer both wear heels often enough that wearing them comes naturally to them

I think there's one card where Mammon's wearing (comparatively) light makeup and honestly I see it as being something that he's used to (you can't blend your eyeshadow as well as Mammon has in his recent card and be new to it, specially for someone who's not naturally artistic)

Mammon says that what he wears doesn't matter as long as he looks like a badass, which feels like it's more than just about this specific situation where he has to act like a Dame - it genuinely just feels like how Mammon as a person would see himself

Lucifer & Barbatos (two of the most serious and badass/dangerous characters in the game) are looked up to as "exceptional dames" despite neither dressing up for the contest. They are viewed as professionals in the area. But I don't see either Barbatos or Lucifer as people who would put on a character that is significantly different from their usual selves (the way Mammon had to)

I think what it comes down to is that drag (for most people) is something that you can at least somewhat take off at the end of the day? Like for Beel, I absolutely cannot see him wearing dresses/heels while out of his Dame character. But Asmo wears makeup/heels/stereotypically feminine clothes, Mammon wears makeup/heels, Lucifer wears heels, Barbatos apparently wears makeup often enough too, in their everyday lives while still all presenting as male that at this point it moves away from being a performance and becomes just a part of them and a part of how they present themselves/their gender. And so, at this point, because makeup/heels/dresses are just things that shouldn't be assigned genders of their own it can't really be considered crossdressing anymore. And in the Devildom no one bats an eye at that.

Does that make sense?

Also, just.... these characters are thousands if not millions of years old - of course they're not gonna stick to gender stereotypes or a specific gender presentation. Objectively, I don't think it's even possible - with the way gender & gender stereotypes change with time - even if you pick one gender and stick to it, what it means to be that gender would change over time when you've lived that long. So at some point you're gonna say "fuck it, I'm doing whatever the fuck makes me comfortable"

BEEL WAS GOING THROUGH IT. MAN WAS TRAUMATISED.😭😭😂

No listen he definitely was breaking through them as well!

🤷✌️

#asks #obey me event #obey me #obey me shall we date #obey me! #shall we date? obey me! #swd obey me #obey me mammon #obey me asmo #obey me asmodeus #obey me lucifer #obey me barbatos #obey me! mammon #obey me! asmo #obey me! asmodeus #obey me! lucifer #obey me! barbatos #swd mammon #swd asmo #swd asmodeus #swd lucifer #swd barbatos #om! mammon #om! asmo #om! asmodeus #om! lucifer #om! barbatos #shall we date mammon #shall we date asmo #shall we date asmodeus

[sailorsally]

Asking a „sense of life“ kind of question - So, why do we ship cockles? There is so much more „physical“ footage of misha and the other spn cast like kissing and intense hugging, let’s take Rob… why is it not Robisha (well, not in this extent)? Why is it Jensen and Misha, bc of destiel? What is it what cockles makes a difference to other relationships with the cast? Just me having another cockles-crisis, need. new. fluffy. cockles. content! Maybe we can have an analysis here 😅

This is a great question actually and I think it's due to two things:

1) we never got closure over destiel. I mean don't get me wrong, I know we aren't toddlers and very much understand object permanence and know that actors =/= their characters but I as a heller, have a primal need to see Dean & Cas together and happy and at this point Cockles is the only place I'm getting a knock off version of that.

Plus, to return to the topic of object permanence here, Supernatural is unlike any other show in regard that it is so closely intertwined with real world events - from the writer's strike causing Dean to go to hell and have a need for an angel to raise him to Destiel trending over US elections. And don't forget 'French Mistake' !

Frankly the topic of the later seasons - God being evil and trying to control Dean & Cas, Becky telling Chuck his ending sucks etc is impossible not to parallel with CW and the SPN fandom. So all these further blur lines between real world and tv show and make the Destiel - Cockles pipeline easier to race thru.

2) You pointed out correctly there is plenty of footage of Misha being flirty and vice versa with other cast members and yet, Cockles is the heaviest of hitters. Again, partly because they are the in-universe version of Destiel but also a big part of it is because their flirting feels different to when they are flirting with others.

For example I do like Rob & Misha, they are super cute together, I think they would make a cute couple and frankly I think if propositioned by Misha, Rob would go 100% with it (or would have gone before Ruthie). They have done silly grabs and shared plenty of kisses but none of it could turn my stomach the way one yearning look from Jensen towards Misha can.

Jensen & Misha's dynamic, as playful as it is most of the time, always feels incredibly high stakes. You put them next to their costars/friends and you can instantly tell there is something different going on between those two. I am really curious to experience them together in a room live this Purcon because I can just feel that different vibe from them in videos and keep wondering if it is real or even worse in person. For the lack of a better word, it feels like they are drawn to each other and unable to do much about it really. There is a degree of possessiveness they have for each other that is very subtle but also very akin to how lovers are about/with each other.

I think what perhaps makes us scratch our heads every now and then when it comes to these men is the sincerity with which they joke/fake kiss/etc. With others, it might be camp and might be queer but it's just until the punchline, until the audience laughs. But with Jensen and Misha it feels like their little flirty interactions are never for show or to make the audience laugh. If anything they are always extra silly to make each other laugh. It feels like in a way their silly and sweet onstage moments never end. After all, as Jensen said, he is living it.

So in conclusion I think that yes, a part of it is due to us kinda expanding Destiel into this world but also I think that we humans are pretty good at picking up signals and queues in other people's behaviour and a lot of people watching Jensen & Misha together feel like there is something there that they might be unable to name (*points at this rambly answer*) but that doesn't necessary mean they are wrong.

#sorry for this very long ramble #that literally says nothing #cockles #ask sally

[nachosncheezies]

Would you mind reccing the stories you liked that deal with Scully being a little psychic? I love anything that deals with that

Hello anon! I didn't think anyone reads my tags, but here you are proving me wrong. :D I'm pretty new to XF fic so I don't have enough to do a comprehensive list but here's a few I recently found in quick succession:

Contact High by Penumbra

Look I won't beat around the bush - it's heavy on the porn, so if that's not your thing then maybe give it a miss. Set post-Field Trip, they've gone home but Scully's still under the influence (still telepathic), apparently moreso than him (which I'm interpreting as, she already was a little psychic so it's hitting her harder). It appears Mulder is unaware she's picking up what he's broadcasting, and he himself only hears some of her thoughts once he knows. Meanwhile our girl is receiving every explicit moment of her partner's sex dreams in vivid technicolor, from all the way across town, in enough detail that she's basically like "Look you tease, if I'm gonna have to see this shit I'm coming down there and you're gonna make good." Queue a lot of finally talking about and working through things, in various states of [un]dress. There's even some angst in there!

By Falling In And In by @aloysiavirgata

A post-Deadalive AU, set over a span of years. I suppose the psychic angle is more about William's powers, but… he couldn't connect unless there was something to connect to, ya know? Otherwise he'd just be out here broadcasting to everyone. And as you'll see in the second half, the way Scully reaches back is pretty intense, especially when there's trouble. This is such a good story. Highly recommended whether you're in to psychic Scully or not!!

Triptych by @iconicscullyoutfits

I'm human and like most of us, sometimes Diana Fowley makes me want to wrinkle my nose like I've hit a bad smell, or maybe throw something that'll make a nice thunk sound just to get it out. But this one is worth it. The psychic!Scully angle is more subtle here. She sees ghosts, senses death, etc. It's not the main focus of the story, but it's a nice thing in an already excellent fic. I wish I could say more but I literally couldn't put it down, so much so that I need to re-read it bc I'm pretty sure I was asleep for part of it. 🙈

Bonus - since I also remarked in my tags that I wondered what Bill Sr. thought of his girls' spooky powers. Across the Sea by CalifornianHousplant is a little piece in which Maggie muses a bit on precisely that. It's Mulder/Maggie, cancer arc.

If I come across or remember any others I'll reblog this and add them! Thank you for reaching out :D

#x files #the x files #txf fanfic #txf fic recs #psychic!scully #nachos gets asked #thank you for waiting a few days till i could find the titles xD hope you find something new here 💕 #i know there are tons more out there but heck if i could name them! so if anyone has more please let me know!

[aydaptic]

I’ve seen people say that Gavin is a bad person because he wanted to “rough up” Carlos Ortiz’ android, Shaolin Being and him saying “after all, it’s not human” is “proof” that he would harm a human if he could get away with it.

This argument is so stupid to me because 1. Hank and Chris are both present when he says that and both of them say nothing. They don’t defend the android, they don’t chastise him, they say nothing. Does that mean that both Hank and Chris would assault a human if they could get away with it?

And 2. I think people are reading way to into it to again, try and justify their reasons for hating Gavin. Gavin says “after all, it’s not human”. In this point in the game, androids are not seen as living beings. They’re not human, they’re machines. Yes, the point of dbh is to sympathise with the androids but realistically, they are just machines. Machines that have been stated, even by Connor, to not feel pain.

Gavin hates androids, androids are machines and they don’t feel pain. Him saying “we could try roughing it up” is not some subtle way of saying “Gavin would assault any human being if given the chance”. It’s him saying “this is a machine, it killed a person, it’s withholding information, I don’t like them anyway so I say we do what we need to get information out of this object”

In the world of dbh, no matter how one may feel about androids, whether they be treated as human or not, it’s been stated over and over again that they were designed to be machines. No different than an appliance or an automated machine at a supermarket so honestly someone saying that they would hurt an android shouldn’t be indicative of some deep desire to hurt a human.

Thank you!

This is spot-on, so I don't really have anything to add to this. I'm relieved to see there are ppl (like you) on Tumblr who are capable of some rational thought. Gav haters are reaching so far up their own ass*s to try to justify their own bigotry -- subjective views that they parade as objective facts -- and they miserably fail at it.

Like you said... the way a person treats something they believe to be a simple tool doesn't equate to how they would treat a thinking, living, breathing human being. I've kicked my vacuum cleaner when its cable got stuck to loosen it. By their flawed logic, I must be an ab*ser.

I can guarantee that everyone making that up-on-their-high-horse moral statement would gladly punch what they believed to be a m*rderer -- or just a human they hate -- if it wasn't for the consequences. It's normal. They're either too deluded to see it or too fake to admit it. If there was a queue to legally punch a r*pist, and suffer no consequences, they would be vibrating with glee (as they rightfully should.) It's pure hypocrisy on their part.

In the eyes of Gav, Chris, and Hank, Shaolin Being was simply a defective machine and a murderer. Anyone incapable of seeing that needs to develop way more empathy bc they severely lack it.

Just the past 24 hours, I've had 2 ppl attack me personally before deleting their replies. Most likely bc they're afraid they'll get a Tumblr ban for their hateful speech. That and them just being incapable of backing up their absurd claims when I give counter-arguments. Genuinely, I can't help but pity these ppl. Why?

They in their insecurity are desperate to convince me differently so that I can 'validate' their flawed opinions.

They're incapable of controlling their emotions.

They're incapable of restraint as they don't think before posting.

They're incapable of having their flawed views questioned.

They're incapable of admitting when they're wrong.

They're incapable of common sense.

They're incapable of accepting different opinions than their own.

They only pick and choose what benefits them and avoid everything else.

They make assumptions based on nothing.

They always assume the worst.

They don't practice what they preach.

They're brainwashed by the media to think that a rude comment and/or justified physical force by a cop is "police br*tality" and "s*xual as*ault."

They haven't done actual research in the fields they comment on.

They either over-simplify or over-complicate everything.

They can only think in extremes and don't know what balance is.

They resort to name-calling and attacking the individual bc they themselves don't have any good counter-arguments.

I can only hope that they'll mentally grow up to be more mature. The state of so many ppl on social media nowadays is downright sad.

#dbh #gavin reed #dbh gavin #detroit: become human #long post #Q&A #anonymous #*aydaptic

[kumoriyami-xiuzhen]

Hakuoki Shinkai Tenun no Shou Short Story - Sannan

first translation of the month! still working out my queue but it should hopefully get stabilized this month. currently half done next week's translation.

anyway, in light of one of my least favourite more disliked routes getting a musical... i decided i might as well go with this of the four short stories i got from the 天雲ノ抄 特典小冊子.

Hakuoki Shinkai Tenun no Shou Short Story - "As ethereal as light snow" [alternatively can be interpreted as 'Misty like snow' but I think what I put makes more sense]

Translation by KumoriYami

——It was a quiet and cold night.

"….Ho…hooh…"

The cold air wrapped around my cheeks caused me to shiver, and I slowly opened my eyes from under the covers.

For it to be quiet and cold again, that wouldn't do… While feeling a bit uncertain, I slowly opened the door.

"Ah…"

As I expected, a thin layer was covering the sand and gravel, and a silver-white world was before my eyes.

"No wonder why it's so cold…"

At it felt like my neck wanted to shrink from the cold, my eyes widened at the figure standing standing in this night scene of white snow.

"Sannan-san…?

While the snowflakes quietly fell from the sky, Sannan-san, who remained motionless as he gazed at the snowy clouds [literally "snow clouds"], looked very unreal. Right, it really seemed as if once the sun rose, he would disappear with the snow.

"——Sannan-san."

"Oya…?"

As Sannan-san just seemed to notice me, he quietly turned his gaze.

"Why are you up so late? Normal people should be sleeping right now."

"Ah, no. I just woke up before coming over, and since I saw you, I…."

"I see. Did you want to criticize me for going out like this?"

"No, I wasn't…"

Hearing his self-deprecating tone, I didn't know what to do, but he smiled happily.

"Hehe. When I see you, I can't help but want to tease you, it's truly a headache… Well, you're here because you're worried whether or not I'm feeling cold, right?

"Yes. Because it's snowing, I think you might catch a cold if this continues…"

"… Rather, I would like to see if I can catch a cold."

"Eh?"

He didn't give me any time to think.

"Don't worry. I simply wanted to go outside and watch the snow fall, so I cam outside to take a look. I'll be heading back to my room right away, so please return to your room."

Sannan-san spoke towards me with a smile.

"…Yukimura-kun?"

"What is it?"

Sannan-san looked at me with unmasked surprise.

I had gone back to my room just now… and now I had shown up in the courtyard again.

"Really… It's very cold here, so what did you come back here for?"

"I wanted to give this to you."

"…To give me an umbrella?"

He looked at the umbrella I handed over to him, and his eyes narrowed in disbelief.

"You body temperature will rapidly drop if you stay in the snow, so if you want to stay outside for a while longer Sannan-san, please at least use an umbrella."

" ——Thank you for your kindness, but as I just said, I'll enjoy the scenery for a while longer and then go back——"

"——That's a lie to me, right?"

As Sannan-san listened to me, his expression was completely unmoved. I however didn't mind and continued.

"Just from looking at the snow on your hair, it's obvious that you didn't just go outside."

"……"

"So, why have you been out here for so long?"

After a short moment of silence, Sannan-san softly sighed then began to speak.

"I want to figure out."

'Figure out, what…?"

"….Yukimura-kun, right now, what do I look like in your eyes?"

"What do you mean by look like…"

"You know, my hand recovered because of the power of Ochimuzu… At first glance, there are no differences between me and my past self, correct?"

"……"

"——But, even if I appear the same, ultimately, there are differences [actually don't have a subject noun here]."

Where is the difference.

Sannan-san, as if he were for the sake of explain it to me, let a snowflake fall into his hand.

"I know myself that my sense of being a human being is fading away with every second."

"What do you mean?"

"The feeling/sense is still here. The pain from injuries [can't tell if this is "my injury" or just wounds in general]. the taste of food, and also the feeling of really enjoying something… but it feels like there's a wall separating everything, putting it all in the distance."

Sannan stared at me with eyes that seemed to come from another creature/eyes as if he was looking at some sort of other creature… he spoke slowly.

"That's why I was thinking about figuring/wanted to figure out if I'm still human. Because of the cold I feel when the snow is on my skin…. I surely must be considered human.

I couldn't say anything.

His pain tightly gripped my chest, and the words I wanted to say dissipated once I came up with them. But despite that, I…

"…Sannan-san, you are human/a human being."

When I finally squeezed out a response, I opened the umbrella and passed it to him. To keep the biting-cold snowflakes from falling onto him.

"Even if you don't think that, the people from the Shinsengumi and me, we all think you're human. If you want to confirm this, I will answer you as many times as necessary."

"……"

"….That's why, please don't say such sad things again."

…I know that this could only provide superficial relief. I hadn't transformed into a rasetsu, and couldn't understand the pains of those that did.

"….You…. really, are quite lovely [可爱 can mean cute, lovely, adorable… and uh, i guess that fit best?]."

Sannan-san however did not take offence after hearing this, and gently smiled at me.

"What you're saying is unfounded. Even if you say that I'm human, the changes to my body will not stop."

"…That's…"

"But to hear some words of comfort, surprisingly doesn't feel bad."

He took the umbrella from my hand, then tilted half of it over me to keep the snow off of me.

"I found something better than the snow."

"Better than the snow…?"

"Yes. Compared to the bitter cold of winter, compared to hurting yourself… You being worried about me, more than anything, makes me feel like I'm still a human being."

"……"

"I don't want you to feel sad. It's okay, I won't do this sort of thing again."

Sannan-san looked very lonely as he spoke those words.

That's why, I…

"…Even so, it doesn't matter."

"What do you mean?"

"It doesn't matter if I worry about this once in a while… As long as Sannan-san feels like he's still human."

"……"

Our conversation came to a temporary halt. Sannan-san showed a rare and unexpected facial expression…. but soon after, he slowly smiled.

"…Hehe. You really are quite lovely."

Sannan-san spoke with a smile, and the smile that blossomed onto his face felt completely opposite to the snowy sky.

---end---

honestly i don't know if i'll watch sannan-hen but i guess i'd be interested in how they did kaoru... since i'm fairly sure he was in sanan's route. kinda forgot about that until i saw a 2.5 video with the original actor for kaoru from okita-hen alongside these two.

on the left is the actor for shinkai souma-hen's souma, and on the right is the actor for okita-hen's nagumo kaoru.

#hakuoki #hakuouki #hakuoki other translation #sannan keisuke #sanan keisuke #yukimura chizuru

[nonstandardrepertoire]

so we finished watching season 2 of Picard last night, and just. whew, friends, what? a truly baffling array of choices. things i simply cannot get over:

the commitment to doing every Single joke from The Voyage Home while simultaneously Strenuously Avoiding doing anything campy or goofy

like, the reason TVH works is that the main cast are all just Buffoons — Kirk does not know how money works, Spock is dressed as a jogger in a bathrobe, Scottie tries to talk into a computer mouse, and it is all GREAT. in Picard S2, it's like, they say they don't know much about this period in history, but they all seem to click into place fairly seamlessly. in general watching this new era of Trek, it feels like the writers have simply forgotten the pleasure of a good silly camp romp, and constantly referencing one of the best silliest campiest romps in the canon is uh, not helping

the climax of the season revolves around?? Q's character development??? Q???? QUEUE?????? baffling

in general what was even Q's plan here. is he . . . trying to sabotage the Europa mission or not? why is All Of This necessary for Picard to forgive himself, if that's Q's real goal? just like generally this framing does not make sense to me and so resting the entire season on it is. a choice, i guess

also when have we ever been asked to care about Q's interiority before, when have we ever been asked to be On His Side as opposed to whatever human he's fucking with

how are we relating to canon here. h o w. there are some Real deep cuts, but then also some like, fairly prominent episodes that are just?? ignored???

like, ok:

Guinan and Picard have a fairly significant adventure together in 1800s San Francisco (in “Time’s Arrow”). it is canon then that she doesn't know Picard yet. this is an incident she will remember for 500+ years and reference on board the Enterprise D. but in this season of Picard, she appears not to know him at all and to once more be meeting him for the first time. these two first meetings are . . . difficult to reconcile

but we are apparently doubling down on “Wesley Crusher was just the super specialest boy and he managed to transcend the limits of physical reality because of his big special brain”

we are apparently pretending that Robert Picard just . . . doesn't exist? isn't around for Jean-Luc's childhood? this isn't really technically a continuity error but Robert and Jean-Luc's relationship felt real and specific and grounded in the particulars of their two characters whereas Yvette just feels like generic sexist “ooooooh his mother was ~crazy~” schlock, and losing the former for the latter is uh. not an improvement

we're doubling down on Gary Seven, tho! Gary fucking Seven!!!!! remember that beloved character from an episode that was definitely a good idea??? why

actually, specifically, tho: it feels like this is a continuation of Star Trek’s reluctance/inability to grapple with the less savory parts of Gene Roddenberry as a human being, particularly his misogyny. to stick only to the example at hand, he made the “Assignment: Earth” filming experience so miserable for Teri Garr (by, for example, relentlessly shortening the length of her skirt, even over the objections of the costume designer) that Garr has absolutely refused to talk about Star Trek in subsequent interviews. i was obviously not on set, but the vibe i get is extremely that filming that episode would clearly and unambiguously been a hostile workplace environment by contemporary standards of sexual harassment. so i, personally, have a hard time being like “ah yes, ‘Assignment: Earth’, what a fun bit of forgotten canon to incorporate wholesale into our new series without grappling with the specifics of its creation in any way!”. the vibes are just . . . rancid

anyway, moving on from continuity gripes,

it feels like a real missed opportunity to have not cast David Duchovny as the FBI agent. this is really not the showrunners’ fault, but i’m in a hating sort of mood, so i’m going to take off points anyway

“Dark Page” was not a great idea in 1993 and it isn’t any better now

circling back to “covering the hits without any understanding of what made them good”, Raffi’s encounter in a camp of unhoused people feels like a nod to “Past Tense” without any willingness to actually . . . engage with what “Past Tense” was saying. for all that i have some issues with some of its narrative choices, “Past Tense” devotes significant, sustained screen time to characters that society has decided to discard and is relentless in hammering home the message that “this is not just and it cannot be reformed into justness”. here, Raffi stumbles across an encampment, someone immediately tries to mug her at gun point, she beats him up, she shares a rueful quip about “gosh, wild that such a prosperous society can’t be assed to take care of people”, and then we just move on and never mention this again. like, we get Words saying that Homelessness Bad, but what we are shown is “unhoused people are scary and dangerous and it’s ok for our heroes to beat them up”

(i actually think that In General there is a lot of wasted potential with Raffi, altho mostly the fault here lies in season 1. “very competent Starfleet officer who is also dealing with paranoid delusions and falling apart at the seams about it” is an interesting premise for a Star Trek character if done well! and then S1 is just like “oh, nope, actually, she was right about everything, there was a massive, bizarre conspiracy that did exactly what she thought they did, she's fine and correct and everyone who ever doubted her is an ass”)

(i also think that the “love always ends in grief” sequence from Discovery S4, for all of that season’s considerable messiness, is a much tighter and more powerful expression of that theme than the wandering, haphazard approach to it here. i think these shows are meant to be watched in concert, but the back-to-back seldom does Picard any favors)

we continue to lean into Human Exceptionalism and i continue to roll around on the floor going “ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh” about it

more elaborate thoughts on that go in my “if i were making Enterprise” post, tho

THAT SAID

on the topic of exceptionalism, i hate the FUCK out of the bit in Crusher’s recruitment speech where he’s like “do you want to be ordinary, or do you want your life to have purpose and meaning?” as tho???? ordinary lives????? cannot have purpose and meaning???????????? look me in the eyes, writers. no, no, look me Directly in the eyes: fuck you, fuck that, i am doing cartoon violence to you. the mindset that only extraordinary lives are worth living is toxic bullshit that distorts so much of our mental, political, and artistic landscape. ordinary lives can have so much meaning and purpose, they can be so very beautiful and rich. ordinary lives can be very good to live. i think Star Trek, in general, focuses too much on elites as The Only People Who Really Matter, but to elevate that to the level of explicit text is just. fucking devastating. unspeakably bleak. absolute philosophical train wreck of a season finale, on a par with Discovery’s “a Starfleet admiral actively and deliberately planned and tried to carry out a genocide and faced zero career repercussions for it that we can see”. clown car nonsense

in conclusion: i have drunk the haterade, g-d this season sucked, i can’t wait to make April 13 “Jurati eating car batteries day” and take it away from the Homestucks

#let's take a walk thru these here stars #did i have a Picard tag? i feel like i can't possibly have #thinky thoughts #Star Trek: Picard #Picard S2 #unabashed hatery #i promise we can stop doing Wrath of Khan again now i promise i promise i promise #also like #i don't even want to get into the "why did we have to just sit thru an entire fucking fascist rally #or the implication that uh. fascist Earth would be really successful at fighting the Borg actually #IN GENERAL i think our fiction is Way too ready to paint fascists as Very Competent At War #they are not #i don't know how many people know this but there was a small little tiff called World War II #and the fascists did not win it #because fascists are incompetent and fascism is inherently unstable as an ideology #Umberto Eco said that fascists are condemned to lose wars because they are incapable of realistically assessing the strength of their enemi #and he was RIGHT #obviously that should be “enemies” but APPARENLY my tags are too long #whatever #anyway #rants #sigmastolen #i feel like you will appreciate this even if you don't watch Picard

[thatgirlonstage]

Speaking of Good omens, what do you think about the new info regarding Crowley being a high enough rank angel to access Gabriel's trial? I feel like that kinda leans towards the Raphael theory I saw floating around here but I'd love to know what you think!

hhhhhhhh I have very mixed feelings about it tbh bc while the Raphael theory was always a fun sandbox to play in I always considered it JUST a sandbox; through a more serious lens I always found it more narratively and thematically compelling if he truly was just some random demon. I maintain that the original story feels stronger to me if Aziraphale and Crowley could have been any demon and any angel. Yes, there's a seed of this idea that they're already both a little imperfect back in the garden ("if I did the good thing and you did the bad one"), but it's the 6000 years living on Earth that made them who they are. It's the notion that being around humanity and each other made them malleable, capable of and open to change in ways that Heaven and Hell and their assorted hosts aren't.

That said, I do think the hints that Crowley was Someone Important—I've seen Lucifer tossed around as well as Raphael—were a lot more obvious this season and I'm curious to see where Neil is going with it. There's a post from someone else sitting in my queue about how maybe the motivation behind Crowley's certainty that heaven can't change is because he's tried, because he wasn't just some rank and file who happened to speak up with doubts and join the wrong crowd but because he already had the sort of power and position Aziraphale is about to receive and he couldn't fix it then either and so he's just watching Aziraphale make the same mistakes, which, yeesh. I'm also wondering if it might feed into really sharply delineating Angel!Crowley from Demon!Crowley in the sense of like… if Azi wants to offer him everything he used to be, he needs to be shown that Crowley had everything he could possibly want as an angel and still doesn't want it back, because that's not who he is anymore. (....anyone drop a trans metaphor...?) I have typed and retyped like fifteen sentences to continue this but frankly it just gets into analysis of their miscommunication in the final scene which both I and others could and have gone on for paragraphs about. The point is Crowley wanting to be loved as he is right now, and not as he used to be, no matter how cool and powerful a guy that was, is still the important bit.

So I don't know. I guess this is one of those things where adaptations can diverge and be their own thing in fun ways. Book!Crowley is always going to be Just Some Demon who sauntered and stumbled his way into loving humanity and their one good angel in my heart. I'm intrigued to see where Show!Crowley is being taken because it definitely seems like he's being taken somewhere.

#good omens #good omens spoilers #good omens meta #they're a bit like frodo to me in the sense of like #not EVERYONE could or would do what they did #but ANYONE could #it didn't have to be them specifically #they're just the guys who happened to be there and decided to do the right thing about it #but we'll see where neil is going with this #answers

[alpimerealmsystem]

Mkay so help me out please

SO, here's a list of all the poetry I need to write AND all of the otherkin/alterhuman/therianthropy/non-human/ so many others/ stuffs I need to write PUT THIS SHIT IN MY ASK BOX PLEASE. TELL ME WHAT Y'ALL WANT ME TO WRITE ABOUT. Anything that y'all want me to write I'll get around to it quicker, but because I don't wanna ask more people about what they wanna see, I need others to motivate me to write, does that make sense? Basically seeing someone request shit mentally encourages me to write about that stuff. SO enjoy the lengthy list (I will do 3, one for poetry, one for werewolf stories cause why not, and one for non-human rants I can do)

First list, poetry:

Busy calming down

Wasting time (what I'm doing rn)

Something that makes you feel unreal (and tell me what makes you feel unreal if you request this)

Broken toys (but compared to humanity)

Sickness

Being able to put yourself first

Butterfly effect

Misunderstood

The Nimona book/movie

Nothing left anymore

Food magic

Demons

Going crazy

Out of originality

Too much of life

Losing a loved one

Silence

Rebirth

Love at first sight

Shouldn't have let someone in

Home

Small things that bring you joy (and tell me what does if you request it)

Fire

Aftermath

War

Controlling Fate

Any color (if you request it's your choice)

Full moon

Stranded on an island

Religion

Overcrowded

We always want what we don't have

Habits develop into character

Snow white

Ariel

AND THATS JUST SOME OF MY POETRY IDEAS (holy shit I'm going crazy)

Next list: The stuff people want to see written about non-humanity more (I am using this as an umbrella term)

We're normal people y'all

We have feelings

The day to day life of being alterhuman

Alterhumans complaining about humans ruining everything

Bugkin

Primatekin

Non-humanity being influenced by mental health

Species dysphoria

Kintype loss

People who are alterhuman due to zoanthropy or plurality

Ockin

Non-otherkin alterhuman Identities

Hearthome and otherlink

It's not a mental illness

Objectkin

Psychological kin experiences and about psychological otherkin

Transspeciess

Otherhearted representation stuffs

Fiction folk

Other vague representation

Multiple studies have come to the conclusion being non-human requires accommodations not fixing

Fictionkin representation

Otherkin being "disrespectful" with their identities

Respecting non-humans

The history of otherkinity

There's an interview I need to write up and post- if anyone wants to see that right away (it's with someone who has two spirits in one body)

The feral side of being non-human and the struggles that come with it

Relationship between neurodivergance and otherkinity

Recipes for alterhumans and their kintypes

The general pros and cons to being nonhuman

Otherkin not getting bullied (stories)

Not being comfortable in your own body

And that was a portion of the list I have for that :') NOW last list I promise. This one is for so many different werewolf stories (that I haven't gotten around to, I'm a failure, ik)

A werewolf ripping clothes they just bought due to transforming

A werewolf having to wear certain clothing to hide body parts when they're partially transformed (ex, a beanie for hiding ears, gloves for claws, etc)

A werewolf forgetting it was full moon

A werewolf growling at a dog cause it growled at the werewolf (also same thing for howling?)

A werewolf having to deal with stupid jokes

A werewolf having to explain claw marks around the house aren't from a pet to their landlord

A werewolf having to resist buying pounds of meat since they can't afford it

A werewolf doing dog stuff and not realizing it

a werewolf losing weight due to turning on the full moon

A werewolf not realizing their strength and accidentally hurting people

Werewolves with disabilities

These are all just portions of lists I have, anyways REQUEST ME STUFF FROM THEM. I will not shove it in my queue, it'll get posted as bonus content and also I will do anything outside of these lists to. I will write any short stories just nothing including nsfw stuffs or heavy gore (although I'm fine with some) and yeah. Please request because it will give me more motivation

#therianthropy #alterhuman #otherkin #therian #therian community #otherkin community #poem #alterhuman community #poetry #original poem #Poemblr #Short stories #help me out #Non-human #Sin Rants #Sin And Their Mission

[theuniversitychallengereview]

Like Riding A Horse Into Battle

This is the story of how I became a knight (for approximately fifteen seconds).

My journey back from a lovely weekend in Oxford visiting a friend (saw some geese, drank some beer, watched a National League football match) necessitated two changes and went via London (via Didcot Parkway) because Sunday train timetables don't make any sense.

I got into Paddington and cycled through to Euston with the commentary of the Man Utd - Liverpool FA Cup match in my ears. So far so smooth.

Not for long. Chockablock at the Euston concourse. A crowd to fill twenty trains packed underneath the schedule screens, staring at page after page of delayeds. Signal failures between two places you've never heard of meaning every single route in and out of the station was in disarray.

Denied entry to the first train which left, I joined another thronging queue. We could see our train on the platform but no one was allowed through for about half an hour.

Twenty minutes into this interminable limbo, an Avanti staffer told us we could also queue in the adjacent concourse (both of which had access to the platform in question, but one of which had been empty). Ever the instruction follower, I moved over into the new zone, but when they opened the gates they only opened the ones for the old zone, prompting guttural groans from a number of men who felt that they (specifically) had been duped into joining the new queue for malicious reasons.

We did get through, eventually. But only after those from the original zone had been allowed to stampede like suitcase-laden wildebeest for about thirty seconds were we permitted to join the charge ourselves.

Spotting my bike, a staffer-cum-commanding officer yelled at me and said I was needed at the front. Or rather, he said I needed to be quick if I wanted to get to the furthest carriage before the train filled up and my bike wouldn't get on. But what I heard was that I was needed at the front.

Swinging a leg, I mounted my steed and did as my General had asked of me, absolutely nailing it past everyone else on the platform like I was riding a horse into battle.

Time stopped and I was King of Euston.

Pulverising these poor pedestrians with the prodigious power of my pedals.

They, lumbering, sluggish, lugging their cumbersome luggage. I, flowing, free, zipping transcendentally past them. So many people in such slow motion.

Time restarted, I dismounted.

A normal human being once more. But a normal human being with early access to the unreserved seats. The battle was over.

Sign up for The University Challenge Review

A few weeks ago I wrote about the fact I will never get the chance to be an elite athlete. This might be as close as I will ever get.

But on to eight people who have already experienced this, competing as they have done at the sharp end of student quizzing all series.

This is the last of the ten quarter-final matches, and sees Trinity take on Birkbeck.

Each have won and lost one of their previous matches at this stage, and its too close to call. If you want to watch the episode before reading the rest of the post you can do so here.

The winner will join UCL, Imperial and Manchester in the last four. If Birkbeck win there will be three London Unis in the semis for what would surely be the first time ever. Let's see if they can do it; here's your first starter for ten.

Jaksina attempts a bit of humour in his intro, saying 'I should be doing a masters in genetics, but instead I'm here', and while I'm not going to slate him too much, I think he should probably stick to the genetics once the tournament is over.

They manage none of the bonuses, and Bannerjee gets Trinity off the mark with Hero on the next starter. Caldera and Mesa gave them two of the three bonuses on geographical terms in Spanish, before Bannerjee gave them the lead with Einstein.

It's McMillan vs Bannerjee on the buzzer so far, and the Birkbeck man picks up his third of the evening with the picture starter, an extract from Sir Gawain and The Green Knight (who had a horse, which was also green, but not a bike). Demonstrating solid knowledge of medieval poetry, they take a hat-trick on the bonuses. The Chronos Quartet gave McMillan a fourth starter, and Strasbourg a fifth (with a neg from Bannerjee in between continuing their control of proceedings).

This must have given Henderson a taste for glory, because she was back at it with a rapid buzz of John Donne on the very next starter, breaking the duopoly. Another hat-trick on the bonuses tied the game.

Chadha continued the bright new post-McJee age with nucleation to grab the lead back for Birkbeck, but it didn't last long, with a superb Jaksina answer of Paraguay equalising for Trinity, and a Henderson bassoon nodding them ahead. The Cambridge side have really hit their stride now, and take a third consecutive 3/3 on the bonuses to take their biggest lead of the game.

Having hibernated for a few minutes, McMillan returns with Edith Cavell on the picture starter. Mixing up Marlene Dietrich and Greta Garbo leaves them 15 points adrift, but Kang takes charge with beryllium to put Trinity back in control.

He then pulls a magnificent educated guess of Cairo Station from the clue 'Egyptian transport terminus' on their first bonus. This kind of answer is absolute quizzing gold, based on nothing but word association, and Trinity are delighted by it.

An early buzz of Vienna by McMillan is wrong, and when Kang picks it up with Prague you sense that this is the end of the road for Birkbeck. It was the correct tactic to buzz in early, but these things don't always go your way, and his rueful shake of the head tells us he knows it's over too.

Rajan slates Kang for missing a bonus on a South Korean city, but it doesn't matter. Their place in the semis is already assured. Birkbeck 100 - 165 Trinity

A tight match up until the final few minutes, in which Trinity pulled away. A valiant performance from Birkbeck, especially McMillan, but they weren't quite good enough on the day.

The semi-final lineup is now complete, with my predictions coming 75% true.

Trinity

Manchester

UCL

Imperial

The first matchup is Imperial/Trinity followed by UCL/Manchester. I can't wait, see you there.

#university challenge #bbc2 #cambridge

[olderthannetfic]

I'd followed Deadcat here after reading some fic, and ended up unfollowing rather quickly, as a a lot of the rhetoric, way she spoke on tumblr, etc., was frighteningly similar to some abusive people I've known. I assumed I was overreacting, but still unfollowed/stopped reading her work. Not sure how I feel about my gut instinct potentially being correct (I'd always like it not to be, in this care), but it is what it is.

But regardless of all that, AO3 makes the rules VERY clear, and considering there are humans behind emails.... of course it takes time? No one gets shoved to the top of the queue simply because they have more words, more fics, more 'fans', etc. With the sheer amount of people using the site, it shows how damn hard AO3 is trying that they got back to her so quickly, imo. I've been on the other end of that type of job (paid, though) and it still took ages at times, no matter how hard I worked. It's not feasible to assume a massive website run by volunteers will drop everything else to deal with one person breaking their TOS. It's just baffling to me, especially after skimming her current posts. One would think it's easy to simply not ask for money in any way.

I link my tumblr so people can chat (no ko-fi or anything), and even as a "small" author get random asks/followers when I post. A "big" author? Will get more, and people will see a ko-fi/etc link just by clicking the blog--no need to mention money, donations, buying a coffee, etc....

I do remember, in the short time I followed her, her asking for money a lot, though. which ofc on tumblr? fine, I can't judge, but I do find it odd to then also do on ao3 when the rules are SO damn clear

and sorry if you're done talking about this, and def no need to post this ask if you don't want to/are done, I just had a but of a "omfg them" moment, followed by sheer bafflement 😅😅😅

--

Well... At least it means your instincts are tuned to the right thing, I guess? A lot of people have had that sense reset to something unproductive (often by an abuser intentionally painting good boundaries or something as bad).

She made some hilariously idiotic comment somewhere about the "offices". Perhaps she thinks OTW is a corporation with a lot of paid staff instead of the Abuse team being a dozen randos at home on their computers in their spare time. (A dozen? Two dozen? I have no idea how big the team is these days, but I know it's tiny compared to the size of AO3.)

[two-reflections]

[Stuck this in my queue a few months ago, shortly after I made this blog. I keep putting off posting this because it's just a bunch of random enthusiastic screaming, but whatever, if I haven't stuck it in drafts, it might as well live on my blog instead.]

Rebirth lives rent-free in my head. I just need. Like. ONE friend who has read it who I can enthuse with about it IRL. The Tome of Fire was a bit of a slog at first, but I swear that the series which Rebirth was meant to start had legs. LEGS!!

Tried to keep these notes spoiler-medium in case anyone wants to read the book, but be warned. There are spoilers below.

Black Legion VS Salamanders and Sisters of Battle, except that both sides also have their fair share of drama and betrayal? Also, there's a manhunt through a decrepid underhive for a fugitive? Come on, that's some good shit.

Tsu'gan's presence in the plot is at a distance and Da'kir's seems to be over. Zartath and Agatone are the characters who benefit the most from context from previous books, but I think most of their backstory is made pretty clear.

I liked how Val'in built respect with Sister Seraphina without any romantic tension. The Sisters somehow manage to come off as even more nonsexual yet homoromantic than Astartes, and I am here for that.

I also appreciate how the Sisters' extreme zealotry makes them come off as more inhuman than the Salamanders, even as they condemn the Salamanders for being... Uh, bad at seeming like good Imperial zealots. Are some of the Sisters written as too unreasonable? No, I think how unreasonable they seem is a reflection of Canonness Angerer's issues rather than the Sisters as a whole. Plus, Seraphina is not like that! I wish she had been more present in the finale, but oh well.

There are some great human characters in this book. Makato and Issak are so cool. They are excellent examples of how versatile standard humans are and how they can stand out in a story that focuses on Astartes.

Chaplain Elysius is always great, but I really love him in this one. He probably has the best lines in the book. I appreciate his sense of duty, his pragmatism and the fortitude his faith gives him. I also found it interesting how he seems to respect Drakgaard more the more he sees his flaws.

Comparing Elysius and Drakgaard, and Agatone and Drakgaard is interesting. Drakgaard tends to comes off worse in both cases, but his massive flaws make him interesting to me. The parallels between Drakgaard and Angerer are interesting too. I enjoy the idea of these two old warriors being so blinded by their desire to make up for the failings of their pasts that they completely and unequivocally fuck up.

Continuing on Drakgaard, I love how he's described by many as being stubborn, unfeeling and uncultured, but then he's constantly swayed by emotion and makes it very clear that he's not actually averse to artistic pursuits, he just doesn't prioritise them. Part of why those around him see him in such a harsh light is that he can't move his face much and doesn't move with elegance. (For example, his sword is described as a beautiful piece of artistry... Which he swings around like a goddamn cricket bat.) Idk, he seems like a guy with secret depths.

Agatone really grew on me in this one. He's so good to his guys. I think that he gets to shine because the focus of his sections is on a very small group? Anyway, if anyone questions why this guy has a dedicated mini, they should read Rebirth.

I love that guy Agatone picks up. Issak is a 10/10 bro, top tier little guy, and I'm sad we may never get to know the rest of his story.

I don't usually care for techmarines, but Exor is a poor little meow meow whom I want good things for. HE'S JUST DOING HIS BEST, HE'S BRAND NEW, PLEASE BE NICE TO EXOR PLEASE -

He's a mess, but I can't fault Zartath for struggling. Dude needs a therapist, and he tries so hard to make up for his fuckups. Because he started as a Black Dragon, he's stuck between a rock and a hard place - expected to both conform to the new Chapter whom he looks nothing like and to lean into his beastly nature to perform the way his Chapter requires him to. It's a hard line to walk, and I like how that went for him in the end. Also, despite his massive PTSD and mutations, he has genuine respect for Agatone and the Salamanders, and it's great to see that respect rewarded.

I liked his relationship with Exor. Two semi-outsiders in a hard but privileged position alongside their Captain, so different yet so similar... I enjoyed how their respect for each other fluctuated from grudging, to complete distrust, to something two steps from friendship. And it all felt deserved.

I do have some issues with the book, of course.

Some say it feels a bit unfocused. I think that might be because some of the different threads tie up very quickly, to the point where a reader could actually miss how a particular story line tied in with the others. I wish it was about 30 pages longer so the endings could have had a little more space to breathe.

My main issue is that it doesn't seem like this book will ever get a sequel, so we'll never know what happened to some of the characters. This particularly bothers me with Exor, Zartath, Issak and Drakgaard. I have so many questions about them.

For example, Drakgaard is not Captain of the 6th in the current era... What happened? Did he die? Did he take the Burning Walk after losing his men's respect at Heletine? Was he so hurt that he was interred into a Dreadnought, perhaps to replace one lost on Heletine? (That would be so tragic... The other Salamanders would assume being interred would suit him, but it might turn out to be his worst nightmare.) I may never know, and it breaks my heart because I think it would have been interesting.

Will Exor and Zartath actually become friends? Probably not, but my god, I want that for them. I have this picture in my mind where Zartath ends up leaving to refound the Black Dragons and Exor goes too, becoming the one Salamander in the Black Dragons like how Zartath was the one Black Dragon in the Salamanders... Kinda falls down as I think he's not a Magos Biologis, but shhh.

Agatone took Issak back with him. What's going to happen to Issak now he's with the Salamanders? It seemed like he was set up to be present in subsequent books... And he was so likeable.

The weird, not specifically related to Rebirth:

What went down with the real Pyriel and Argos who inspired the characters? Seems there was some major beef between them. It all went down on various forums, possibly had something to do with Pyriel having a 3d printing business? Idk, I did a bit of googling about it a while ago but I can't remember what I found right now. The actual drama isn't very important to me, I just find it interesting that those characters are based on real people who seriously did not get along.

#warhammer 40k #salamanders 40k #black library #Meta

[12am-motivation]

Hello which om characters do you like? 👀 If you don't mind sharing, why do you like them? Just curious.

Heya, Shion! Thank you for the ask and sorry for the very late reply!

(This has been gathering dust in my queue so most of these may be a bit outdated but I'm posting it anyway for future reference too, hehe ^^;;)

To give you the short answer, my current top faves are: Solomon, Simeon, Barbatos, Luke, Raphael, and Satan.

*Main Story spoilers under the cut*

I'm a HUGE side character enthusiast so most of my faves are among them. It's pretty obvious that Barbatos is one of my faves but despite all the tiny barbs I've been posting, my most favorite character is actually Solomon, which is also why I proposed a tiny sol series in this post. As for why I like him, I once sent @/everlasting-elegy an excruciatingly long ask about it so here's a link (Though you probably already know the extent of my simping XD)

For the others (just some crumbs because it would get way too long otherwise):

• Diavolo may be the next in line to the throne but he's someone who has the heart of a child and just wants to have fun, which is why he appreciates that you wouldn't walk on eggshells around him

• Barbatos has this air of mystery around him which makes you want to investigate what's beneath the surface and his formal facade, where you would find a sense of longing for your presence

• Luke is an innocent ball of sunshine who'd immediately brighten up your day once you see him smile

• Now where do I even begin with Simeon— he has the ability to smoothly deescalate difficult situations, his writing career is admirable, he's funny especially when it comes to dealing with technology, and he's literally an angel

If you were to ask me about the demon brothers, I think they're all charming in their own ways, too. Here are some of the many stuff I like about them below:

Lucifer often refuses to admit it, but he cares a lot for his brothers (and you, of course)

Mammon is probably the sweetest and most loyal despite occasionally being a blockhead (which also makes him more endearing in a way)

Levi is that one friend who you can share your interests to (and I relate to him because I tend to ramble a lot about stuff I like when I get the chance, too)

Satan, being the only pure demon among them, is painfully aware of the fact that you and him are of different worlds and races yet he loves you anyway (His HDD '21 UR card says it all)

Asmo has the ability to see the best traits in people even back when he was an angel and he'd probably be the one to pamper you the most whenever you're feeling down

Beel is a pure sweetheart who probably gives the best bear hugs and always makes sure that you're eating well

Belphie would make a great napping buddy and I don't really hate him for what happened in Lesson 16 because 1.) he's a demon after all and 2.) he did it out of a snowballed resentment towards humans since they lost Lilith in the Great Celestial War (I'm still a bit bitter about the fact that things somehow immediately went back to normal when they found out that we're Lilith's descendant, though)

As for the 3 future dateables:

• Thirteen seems like the type of friend you'd spill all your tea to and her chaotic energy makes her fun to be with (she's also quite the tsundere!)

• Mephisto has a caring side to him; likely because he has a younger brother of his own and I'd love to see the character development on how he'll accept us as a human in the Devildom

• Raphael, despite often being sarcastic and aloof, is a dedicated angel and always looks out for everyone, especially Simeon (he's also pretty funny at times)

They're all lovable in their own ways and I don't really despise any of them.

#when i got your ask i was like 'ok how am i gonna answer this—' #you were in one hell of a ride bc my thoughts are a mess lol #this is also bound to change #i don't think i'm that good at character analysis #so sorry if the descriptions may be off #mo rambles into the void #thank you for the ask! #shion 🐱 #AHHHHH FINALLY #THIS TOOK WAY TOO LONG I'M SORRY

[bldcatlog]

I don't wish to be hurtful.

Am I in the right environment? I say things I shouldn't -- it doesn't make me feel great either. I impulsively swear, make fun of and act vulgar. For some reason that's all I feel like I've done. I don't think that's me anymore. I used to think such acts were to be in pursuit of individuality, more or less. As in to be free and against the norms of others but for me that's not who I am anymore. My writing isn't the same nor is my thoughts. I think in pursuing this act of being against the normalcy of the world I've also trapped myself into a sense of social deprivation -- putting another standard against myself. But I don't wish to be a "normal" person ! I wish to be more positive and caring than needed be. I think I'd much rather be silly and in love.

(I remembered yesterday I was talking to Cole and I told him how good being in love is! It's like fuel for finding the mundane things beautiful. I wish to feel like that again. I'm hopeful that I eventually will.)

I don't open up often, never had honestly. I guess through writing and creating things are my "outlet" that many people coined the term for. I think "outlets" are such an odd term to express your desire to be authentic to yourself. Maybe it's just me, but I feel as if calling it "outlet" downplays the humanity in it.

For bold, originally at least I wanted it to be a breakthrough of myself from my past. I remember beforehand people often didn't have a very good idea of who I am. They would often say that they wouldn't really know me as if I was always keeping something away from them. As if I had always worn a mask to people. At some times people thought that I never failed! or was always in a state of joy/motivation/optimism. I thought that made no fucking sense. I wanted people to see the vulnerability I had and the insecurity and flaws and everything. I did not want to be seen as some "perfect" man or someone who just has it lucky. I think I wanted bold to be the catalyst for a new me.

Now for bold catalogue (Tumblr name ! Whaaaat) I guess it's almost like an epilogue or ending of bold magazine. Like the joys of life and the celebration of such lovely things. And maybe some crazy vulgar visuals that feel super weird and contrasted from the original theme (just for fun). I think it'll be more visual that written. Although I'll probably have a few passages or thoughts before each visual. Of which the visuals will be shortfilm-esque.

I think afterwards I'll work on another project. maybe focusing on the human element of life. be silly. be bold. be in love. be curious. linger. be thoughtful. be forgiving. be wondering. be in awe.

find a new artist and play that one song out till it embarrasses you when it queues. bike a little too fast and fall and scrape your knee. be scarred with memories and the experience of life. ask strangers to borrow their sunglasses to watch the eclipse. ask a couple how their coffee is and maybe they'll be kind enough to pour you some too -- which you'll gracefully accept but feel guilty that you overstepped into their boundaries. Ask a stranger how to do that dance move that looked flashy and learn the fundamentals to it clumsily. Ask the person the next table over how that dessert is and if they'd recommend it. Connections are beautiful they truly are. Pay back love with love.

I don't know if I am special or any one in fact but some moments just make me feel special. And I don't mind selfishly feeling that way.

[papercherries]

My Last Partner.

I can't stop thinking about my last partner. We "broke up" months ago, but I can't stop thinking about them. It makes me quite upset but I don't know why? I understand that it's over and I am over it, but they still haunt my mind. A spectre of a love that could have been. Maybe it was because it was the first time I'd been broken up with, all my previous partners I'd done the breaking. Maybe it was because of how brutally they broke up with me. I knew it wouldn't work out from the beginning. Sometimes you can just feel it in your soul, a tokyo story styled looming feeling of death. I told myself, over and over. Don't trust this, don't fall in and then I'd immediately continue to smile with glee. If I were a blind fool I'd feel less bad about it, but I was fully aware it was coming. Especially the second time. They had "broke up" with me once before, they weren't "feeling it". They proclaimed that "I think I want to be with you but I'm not sure" or something along those lines. I understood the feeling, they weren't describing the feeling of apathy, just a general feeling that their feelings weren't pointing toward where we were headed.

So we "broke up". They always had the dignity to do it in person, I have not always been so brave. But I left and went home, I was upset for a while, drank myself into a pit but it was nothing I hadn't done before. I had started to move on. They then made a mistake, a very drunken one. They had called me whilst they were on a night out (ironically how this all started, but that's a happier story for another day). If I remember correctly, it was so they could be on the phone whilst they walked home. I had no ill feelings toward them so I obliged. We then ended up talking for the next couple hours, sweet nothings. Just stuff I think they wanted to hear and they wanted to tell me, about how much they liked me and how much they missed me. It was clawing at the parts where my heart used to be (that must be the most emo thing I've ever put to page). I told them the same, as it were true. They asked me to stay on the phone with them as they fell asleep. They apologised in the morning and reiterated what they had stated during the "break up". I went on moving on. However I wasn't allowed.

They kept calling and eventually, I would call them on my drunken nights. It created this awful cycle where we could only speak with one another whilst out of our minds. Regrettably, one night, I told them I loved them. I think I did but telling them that must've been torture. They then would ask me if I remembered what I had said, though they didn't specify what night and they wouldn't tell me what I had said. I didn't think too much of what I had said that night and so I half forgot about it. So I had to tell them I didn't remember. Eventually, we started talking again like normal human beings. We arranged a day trip to a theme park.

As a side note, I like theme parks but hate carnivals and fairs. The latter just have attractions that reduce me to nausea and I already have enough of that as is. Plus, lots of people in my home town were beaten, drugged, mugged and a few died at our yearly fair (though most of those deaths were overdoses).

So we had our day at the theme park, we waited for hours in long queues for rides that lasted less than 2 minutes. It was a strangely hot day and I had worn clothes for colder weather. It also rare that theme park queues have shelter. We had been there for hours, nothing of total note had happened. In any sense, we talked about random nothings and we got on rides. Quite late into the day, they held my hand. For context, I knew what this day was before it started. It was like taking your dog for a final joyride. I knew I'd be put down before the day was through, but in that moment. All of that washed away, my stomach was ablaze. I tried to put it out best I could but it was too late, I was already totally ingulfed in flames.

We went on a few more rides, I remember they had a real love for theme parks, or maybe this theme park in particular. They were really enjoying themselves here. There was one ride they wanted me to go on, it was the one type of ride I cannot stand. I don't mind swinging, I don't mind a roller-coaster and I don't mind haunted tunnels. In truth, I had no apathy toward this ride, but something kicked in. A childhood reminder that I was in fact , scared of heights. I haven't conquered this fear but I had learned to control it. I used to be terrified of diving and now I have done it from heights I couldn't have dreamed of. But something about this ride set me off. I refused, perhaps too quickly as it was an immediate and stern no. Their eyes were now filled with motivation and intrigue, they had immediately sensed my fear of this ride. They pulled my hand toward the ride but I continued to refuse till they gave up. I wonder if things would've been different if I had got on that ride. Probably not and there's no point wondering about the past.

We then left the theme park and headed back to the train station. All feelings of doubt I had were gone for this short period, however I could feel them growing. They would continue to do things to offset the feeling, at one point they kissed me. It was awful, I have never felt so much sadness in a kiss. We got to the first train station, as we had to get a train to get another train. They started tearing up, they then reiterated the "break up". Like a repeating motif, I could feel it's presence with a kiss. They kept asking, if I could remember what I had said, I repeated my answer till they told me. At this moment I went "Ohhhhh yeah, I remember that". They were quite surprised and I had to explain that I thought they meant something else this whole time. It was slightly humorous but the air was finally bombarded by the fact they said they think they love me too.

Why. Would. Anyone. Say. This. There are two occasions you shouldn't tell someone you truly love them. When you first meet someone and when you're about to break up with someone. The former being forgivable, just a bit forward. The latter being that you may still love the person you're breaking up with but you need to say it in a way that says "I love you but I don't want to be in a relationship with you". It's awful still but it softens the blow and is often true. This however was not that, they had never told me they loved me before this moment. Perhaps, it was to try soften the blow of what was happening, or perhaps they meant it but I would have much rather never have know. At this point they were bawling their eyes out. I had not shed a tear, I was deeply sad don't get me wrong. As much as I knew the knife was coming, you can only resist a blade to a certain depth. But I couldn't shed a tear, this was quite common for me. I find It takes a lot for me to cry whilst comforting someone else. They even questioned this, I can't remember my reply. The tears I have shed for that day must be in the single digits, I haven't been able to cry since then. Something may have broke, it will fix itself in due time.

We got on the train, I continued this comforting, they kept kissing and hugging and squeezing my hand, oh so tight. I said something that had been on my mind all day, they knew I had something on my mind but, I wouldn't tell them. But as this was the last time I would probably see them, I thought why not. This may have been a mistake as it was probably quite painful for them to hear, though, I don't know if it affected them at all. I told them their eyes were the only ones I could stare into comfortably and that they were the only person I would be excited to get phone calls from. Whilst these statements seem rather small, in my world they are mountainous letters of love. I have great difficulty staring people in the eye and even more difficulty answering a phone call. I only call one person and that's my dad and I'm never particularly excited about talking on the phone. In extension, I hate receiving and sending voice messages/voice mail. I'll be having a normal conversation with a friend via text and they'll send a voice message. I then won't reply for days because I don't want to listen to a voice message. As you can tell, these were big things for me.

We got off at our parting train station, I walked them to their platform and we waited for their train. They kept kissing me and telling me sweet things, I have no forgotten. I remember trying to give them my favourite jumper I had brought especially for them if they got cold. They wanted to but they declined. I decided not to insist as they had done the same for me previously and it was a great mental weight to hold. They kept saying "other me isn't here right now so we can just be like this". It sounds a little crazy but I understood what they meant. They were referring to their split feelings on the subject. They know they shouldn't be doing what they were doing but they continued because at that moment they wanted to. I felt the same. Their train arrived, we texted each other for maybe an hour afterwards until it was over for good.

I'm not sure if that day was real or if it was all just padding. The gourmet meal for the dying man, the last day for the diseased dog. Part of me hopes it was all padding, it would make it a lot easier to discard it as meaningless nothing. But maybe it was just a good final day, a last hurrah, a celebration of the dead instead of a funeral (I always do prefer the former). In truth, I'd rather not know. I'd rather leave as is, but they linger on my mind.

Since then, we have been in contact with each other twice. The first time was to let me know their dog had died. They loved the dog incredibly and I was quite fond of her myself. The second was a last ditch drunken attempt of me trying to talk to them in the form of asking for their etsy so I could buy a bookmark. They had gifted me one and I had nearly lost it. It planted this awful seed in my head, that sprouted into an awful plan. I asked, they replied, I admitted to what I had done and apologised. They sent their etsy, I ordered a book mark. I still prefer to use the one gifted to me, but the other is a great secondary for when I'm reading two books at once. Though it is made out of cut out paper from books. My mind wanders when I stare at it, is there a message for me here? I try not to think about it because if there is, I shouldn't pursue it and if there isn't then I would feel quite sad about it.

If they were to contact me again, whether that be a drunken dial or a heartfelt letter. I would probably respond. If they were to try to advance toward me, I would try my hardest to deny those advances. I'd try reply with anger, sadness and grief. I would try make them understand the pain I went through. Though, I probably would never do this. Because no matter how hard I'd try. I will always end up back at the beginning.

#spilled thoughts