Hades, returning home with a dog: Look, I got us a puppy!
Persephone: You literally went out to get milk.
Hades, holding the dog up: But he's so cute!
Persephone: We have 23 dogs, Hades.
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Freyja: We can’t tell you because you’re not a member of the club.
Hodr: What club?
Tyr: The hating Loki club.
Hodr: …The fuck? I should be the leader of that club!
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Zeus and Hera: *bickering*
Zeus: I want a divorce!
Hera: We're not even married!
Zeus: And whose fault is that?
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Horus: Who wants to make fifty bucks?
Horus: I need someone to take the fall.
Anubis: What did you do?
Horus: I can't tell you. Yes or no, no questions asked.
Isis, from the other room: Oh my gods.
Isis: OH MY GODS!
Anubis: Make it a hundred.
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Set, texting Horus: Turn around!
Horus: *turns around looking for Set*
Set: In the other direction!
Horus: *turns around again*
Set: No! Turn around again!
Horus, texting back: Dude where are you?! I don't see you!
Set: I'm out of town. But the thought of you aimlessly turning around in circles amused me.
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Hades, completely serious: Sir, it has been reported lately that you do, in fact, have little paw-paws and a little button nose. Do you care to comment?
Persephone, walking in: Am I interrupting something?
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Persephone: You're strong. You preside over the dead. You don't go out during the day much. You have incredible wealth.
Persephone: I know who you are.
Hades: Say it. Out loud.
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Apollo: Are you okay?!
Apollo: Are you hurt?
Apollo, grabbing them by the ears: THEN WHAT WERE YOU TWO KNUCKLEHEADS THINKING?!?
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Persephone: Hades, what’s wrong?
Hades, scratching two of Cerberus' heads and crying: I don’t have enough hands
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Ares: Don't ask a girl where she wants to eat. Tell her to guess where you're taking her to eat, then take her to the first guess.
Hermes: By Chaos... he's cracked the code we didn't even know we had!
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Odysseus: Why is there a dead person in here?
Achilles, serious: Well I presume there was once a live person in here and something happened to make them dead
Odysseus: [pats his shoulder] It’s good to have you on the team buddy
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Dionysus: *plugs phone in*
Phone: *makes sound*
Dionysus: yeah you like that huh
Apollo: gods please shut up
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Aphrodite: Freyja and I were crossing the street, and this dude drove by and honked at us
Hathor: *Sighing* What did Freyja do?
Aphrodite: She chased him to the next red light, then reached into his window and...
Freyja: Who wants a steering wheel?
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Athena: What are you, twelve?
Apollo: Yeah, on a scale of one to ten, bye
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Artemis: The sky looks beautiful tonight
Orion: Wanna know who else is beautiful?
Artemis, blushing: Who?
Apollo, sitting between them: Me
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Apollo: Dionysus, you’ve been through a lot recently, how are you feeling?
Dionysus: Hold on, let me get my mood ring.
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Hera: Zeus and I don't have pet names for each other
Demeter: what do bees make?
Demeter: huh, really thought that would work
Hera: ha! You idiot
Zeus, from another room: yeah?
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Achilles: When you're in a situation, you don't have time to think. So I thought to myself, "Don't think, Achilles. Act."
Odysseus: So you weren't thinking?
Achilles: Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.
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Demeter: Why did you guys dress up as each other for Halloween?
Zeus: Hera is the scariest thing I could think of.
Hera: Hestia told me I should pick the dumbest costume possible.
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Zeus: Dionysus, you are old enough now, I think it is time we have the talk.
Teen Dionysus: Dad, no! I already know where kids come from we really do not have to do this
Zeus: Oh, no, I don't mean that kind of talk. I mean the “a lot of people in your family are actually criminals” talk. So, it all started with your great grandfather Ouranos, who-
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