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wouldntyou-liketoknow · 2 years

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Incorrect Quotes: ISWM (Parts 1 and 2) Edition

Engineer Mark: *speaking into a walkie-talkie* Engine to Cap, Engine to Cap! Testing! Testing!

Engineer Mark: Testing, testing, testing, testing, testing, testing, testing!

Engineer Mark: TESTING! AAAAUUUUGGH! TEST, TEST! DO YOU READ?!

Captain: *smiling* Cap to Engine, I read you loud and clear

___

Celci: So, what, now we’re just supposed to do anything that the Captain does? I mean, what if they jumped off a cliff? Engineer Mark: If the Captain were to jump off a cliff, they would’ve done their due diligence regarding the height of the cliff, the depth of the water, and the angle of entry, so yes. If you see the Captain jump off a cliff, by all means, jump off a cliff. Celci: You jump off a cliff! Engineer Mark: Gladly. Provided the Captain does first.

___

Wug: So, Friend Gunther challenged Wug to a sparring match. Wug agreed, because Wug was curious about human combat. Things went pretty good at first, but then Friend Mark walked in looking for something, and. . .Wug accidentally punched him in the face.

Wug: And while Wug was trying to help Friend Mark up, Wug couldn’t decide whether to say, “WUG’S SO FUCKING SORRY, HUMAN!” Or “HUMAN, ARE YOU OKAY?”

Wug: So. . .Wug just panicked and yelled, “ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY, HUMAN?!”

___

Engineer Mark: It’s a white flag, Mack. And you might as well start waving it—

Mack: THE ONLY THING I WILL BE WAVING IS YOUR DECAPITATED HEAD ON A STICK IN FRONT OF YOUR WEEPING MOTHER!

___

Gunther: Whoa, careful there, buddy. You’re making this whole fight-to-the-death thing a little homoerotic. . .

Gunther: Then again, that might just be me. This happens so often it’s hard to tell

___

Engineer Mark: Hey, wanna bang?

Engineer Mark: HANG! I meant hang! Damn autocorrect. . .

Captain: . . .Mark, this is a verbal conversation

___

Captain: We all learn from our mistakes

Celci: Then Mark should be a genius by now. . .

___

Engineer Mark, Celci, Gunther, and Mack: *arguing very loudly and very aggressively. No one can tell what they’re even fighting over, least of all any of them*

Burt: *stares at them, expression completely blank. His eyes twitch, one after the other*

Burt: *takes a deep breath, then slams his arm on the table everyone is sitting at* WE ARE IN A GODDAMN IHOP! ACT LIKE IT!!!

___

Celci: Mack isn’t exactly a team player

Captain: What do you mean?

Celci: Just earlier, he told me that I was the only other person on this ship with any functioning braincells. Then he asked me to “come lead a magnificent revolution” with him because “we could take over command of the Invincible II, and eventually the universe at large.”

Captain: . . .Oh. Well, what did you say to that?

Celci: I accepted, of course. Which reminds me that I should be going—

___

Allu: You often use humor to deflect trauma

Engineer Mark: Thank you

Allu: That’s. . .not a good thing—

Engineer Mark: All I’m hearing is that you think I’m funny

___

Engineer Mark: Don’t worry, I know exactly what I’m doing. Everything is gonna be fine!

Captain: How can you still say that?!

Engineer Mark: Because sometimes, when things get tough, D E N I A L is all we have.

___

Wug: Wug doesn’t think Wug can be on the same ship as the human who ruined Wug’s life

Captain: *on their knees, sobbing* FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, I’M SORRY, I DON’T KNOW WHY I DIDN’T WANT THE DONUTS, PLEASE FORGIVE ME—

___

Mack: Finally! With control over the Invincible II, the ultimate power is mine!

Mack: PERFECT TAX EVASION

___

Captain: Gunther, we’ve been over this. Violence isn’t the answer.

Gunther: Y’know what, Cap? You’re right. . .

Captain: *sighs in relief* Thank you.

Gunther: Violence is the QUESTION.

Captain: Wait, what?

Gunther: *now running away* AND THE ANSWER IS ALWAYS YES!

Captain: GUNTHER NO—!

___

Mack: It would be nice to change the world, y’know?

Captain: For the better?

Mack: . . .

Captain: Mack, please answer me

___

Wug: YOU HEAR WUG, YOU BASTARD?! WUG’LL CUT OFF YOUR NUTSACK AND NAIL IT TO WUG’S DOOR! LIKE ONE OF THOSE. . .LION DOOR-KNOCKERS RICH FOLKS GOT! THAT WILL BE YOUR BALLS!

___

Gunther: *drunk as hell* H-HEY GUYS, LET’S PLAY SPIN THE BOTTLE!

Celci: DID YOU DRINK THAT ENTIRE BOTTLE OF WHISKEY?!

Gunther: OKAY, I’LL GO FIRST—

___

Engineer Mark: *high off his tits on spacedust* Drink water, get plenty of sleep, go mad in space, talk to the dead, take your meds, don’t talk to cops.

___

Captain: So, did everyone learn their lesson?

Engineer Mark: No.

Wug: Wug did not

Burt: I may have actually forgotten one.

Gunther: Also no.

Captain: Oh, good, neither did I.

Allu: *exhausted sigh*

___

Captain: Well, you know what they say—when life gives you lemons. . .

Engineer Mark: Put them in a facemask

Celci: Use them as a battery

Gunther: Throw them at people

Mack: Squirt the juice into life’s eyes. Steal life’s wallet and assume its identity. Now you ARE life. You hold dominion over all. Your enemies cower at your feet.

Captain: . . .make lemonade. The answer was to make lemonade, guys.

___

Bandit: Wug was banned from the intergalactic chicken shack, so we had to go into the wormhole to get some.

Wug: Well, they shouldn’t say “all you can eat” if they don’t mean it!

Bandit: Wug, you ate a chair. . .

___

Engineer Mark: I hate when people say “Are you even listening to me?”

Engineer Mark: That’s such a weird way to start a conversation.

___

[At Chef Rexx’s restaurant]

Burt: *walks up to the counter* Do you serve coffee here?

Cashier Rexx: *nods* Sure do.

Burt: Okay. Can I get a venti vanilla latte with. . .uhhhh. . .

Burt: . . .seven shots of espresso?

Cashier Rexx: *blinks* Jesus Christ, just do cocaine—!

___

Mack: You know what else is not stealing? Putting an extra bike lock on a stranger’s bike.

Mack: It’s insane that bike locks are legal. You have any idea the amount of power that you wield. . .with your imagination and a bike lock? There are so many things—like, you could just walk past a Baskin Robins and be like “You’re closed!”

___

Engineer Mark: Hey, did you know that “thot” means “thoughtful person?”

Allu: Really? I didn’t know this Earth slang

[Later, on the Invincible II]

Allu: Thanks so much for giving me a tour of your ship, Captain. You’re such a thot.

Captain: *wheezing* I’m a WHAT—

___

Engineer Mark: Do you ever get a feeling where you look at someone and your heart skips a beat?

Burt: That’s called arrhythmia.

Engineer Mark: *not really paying attention* I get that feeling every time I look at the Captain—

Burt: *starts dragging Engineer Mark to MedBay* It’s a serious condition that you can die from

___

Captain: Life gets so much better when you accept yourself for the weird little bitch that you are.

___

Mack: The Captain made me care about stupid things.

Engineer Mark: Like what?

Mack: Friends. Humanity. My mental health.

Captain: Don’t forget the morals!

Mack: *lets out a long-suffering sigh* And morals.

___

Bandit: The path to peace begins with four simple words.

Bandit: Not. My. Fucking. Problem.

___

Engineer Mark: Allu didn’t know that “cowboy” is a word, so, they called them “horse-pirates” and I’ve been laughing about it for an hour.

___

Captain: *guiding the Invincible II crew on an expedition around the new planet*

Tyler: Psst. Hey, Gunther. I missed something. Can I see your notes?

Gunther: Sure thing. Here ya go.

Tyler: Thanks.

Tyler: *looks at the notebook*

Tyler: . . .This is the Hamburglar being torn apart by bears. . .

Gunther: I’m thinking of doing a graphic novel so I can shop it around to Hollywood studios.

Tyler: The Hamburglar being torn apart by bears, Gunther.

Gunther: Yeah, I’m not really sure what you were expecting from my notes.

___

Engineer Mark: I almost drowned in the sink.

Celci: I’m sorry, what?

Mack: Imagine that headline. “Head Engineer of Invincible II Drowns in Sink.”

Burt: How do you even drown in a sink?

Engineer Mark: Well, I filled the sink and put my face in it. And then my head got stuck under the faucet.

Captain: Mark, what the actual fuck—

___

Gunther: Why the fuck do I NEED to come out?! If you really think I’M straight, then that’s on you!

___

Engineer Mark: FOUR MONTHS!

Captain: What’s with him?

Mack: *suppressing his giggles* It’s nothing, really—

Engineer Mark: THAT’S HOW LONG YOU STOOD BY AND WATCHED ME WATER A FAKE PLANT!

___

Engineer Mark: *pointing* Is this seat taken?

Captain: . . .That’s my lap.

Engineer Mark: With all due respect, that doesn’t answer my question, Captain.

___

Mack: *dripping with sarcasm* Oh, I’m sorry! Why don’t we just relax and turn on the radio? Would you like AHM or FHMMMMMMMM?!

___

Bandit: *slightly raising her voice to be heard down the aisle* What chip brand do you want?

Wug: *yelling back at full volume* WUG’S ALWAYS A SLUT FOR COOL RANCH DORITOS

___

Engineer Mark: Can we agree to not tell anyone about this?

Bandit: This isn’t even the most disappointing thing I know about you so far

___

Captain: I just want someone to take me out.

Burt: . . .Like, on a date or with a sniper?

Captain: *thinking of Mark and Mack* I’m open to surprises.

___

Allu: It’s kind of hot out to be wearing all black.

Captain: *obviously uncomfortable* I look awesome

Allu: *genuinely concerned* You look pallid and sick.

Captain: *sweating profusely* Yeah, sick as fuck—

___

Mack: Before you judge someone, walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you’ll be a mile away from them and will also have their shoes. And they probably won’t be able to do anything about it.

___

Allu: Hey, Captain? Can you please give me some. . .dating advice?

Captain: Look, just because I’m in a relationship with several members of my crew doesn’t mean I know how I did it.

___

Bandit: Alright, Wug, Today was a good day, but now it’s time for some shuteye.

Wug: *holding up an adorable, fluffy plushie* Mr. Snuffles says Wug can stay up as long as Wug wants, and that Friend Bandit needs to die!

Bandit: *staring at the plushie* . . .What the heck, Mr. Snuffles?

___

Ms. Whitacare: There are seven chairs and ten kids. What do you do?

Engineer Mark: Have everyone stand.

Burt: Bring in three more chairs.

Mack: Choose the best seven and let them sit down.

Gunther: Kill three.

___

Engineer Mark: Y’know, sometimes I don’t think you take me seriously.

Bandit: Really? There are times you think I do?

___

Celci: Hey, toss me my keys.

Engineer Mark: *chucks a printer at Celci*

Celci: I said keys!

Engineer Mark: I thought you said printer.

Celci: Why the FUCK would I say PRINTER?

___

Captain: I come from a long line of people who had something wrong with them.

___

Gunther: It’s got everything I like! Gratuitous violence. . .

Gunther: . . .

Captain: Oh, I thought you were listing things.

Gunther: I was. I’m done now.

___

Allu: Where’s your Head Engineer?

Captain: Oh, Mark? He’s just doing stuff.

Allu: I don’t like the sound of that. Where’s your Cryogenics Officer?

Captain: Trying to stop Mark from doing the stuff.

Allu: And your ADS Officer?

Captain: Trying to stop Celci from stopping Mark from doing the stuff.

Allu: I see. And what are you doing here, Captain?

Captain: I’m supposed to stop you from stopping Gunther from stopping Celci from stopping Mark form doing the stuff.

___

Engineer Mark: Dude, I just read an article that said swearing can make you live longer.

Gunther: I! SHALL BE! IMORTAAAAAAAAALLLL!!!!

___

Mack: Hello? Engineer Mark: Hey, what’s up? Mack: I need your help. Can you come here? Engineer Mark: Eh, I can’t, I’m buying clothes. Mack: Alright, well, hurry up and get over here Engineer Mark: I can’t find ‘em. Mack: . . .Whaddaya mean you can’t find ‘em? Engineer Mark: I can’t find ‘em, there’s only soup. Mack: Whadaya mean there’s only soup? Engineer: It means there’s only soup! Mack: Well then, get OUT of the SOUP AISEL! Engineer Mark: ALRIGHT, you don’t have to SHOUT AT ME! […] Engineer Mark: There’s more soup! Mack: Whaddaya mean there’s more soup?! Engineer Mark: There’s just more soup! Mack: Go into the next aisle! […] Engineer Mark: There’s still soup! Mack: Where are you right now?! Engineer Mark: I’m at soup! Mack: WHADDAYA MEAN YOU’RE “AT SOUP?” Engineer Mark: I MEAN I’M AT SOUP! Mack: WHAT STORE ARE YOU IN?! Engineer Mark: I’M AT THE SOUP STORE!! Mack: WHY’RE YOU BUYING CLOTHES AT THE SOUP STORE?!?!?!? Engineer Mark: FUCK YOU!!!!

___

Allu: No, I’m not tired of being nice. Yes, I still wanna go apeshit. These things can coexist, stop asking me.

Allu: I wanna go apeshit, but like, in a kind and respectful way.

___

Burt: Now, guys, stop arguing or we’ll turn this ship around!

Captain: *grabbing the controls* SHUT UP OR I’LL STEER THIS SHIP INTO A FUCKING ASTEROID FIELD

Engineer Mark and Mack: *screaming*

___

Captain: Hey, what time is it?

Engineer Mark: *shrugs* I don’t know. Hand me my trumpet.

Captain: *raises an eyebrow, then takes Mark’s childhood trumpet out of his closet and gives it to him*

Engineer Mark: Thank you. *starts playing the trumpet very loudly and very poorly*

Celci: *yelling from across the ship* WHO THE FUCK IS PLAYING A TRUMPET AT FOUR IN THE MORNING?!?!?

Engineer Mark: It’s four in the morning.

___

Gunther: So far this year, I have realized that I am—1. Out of control, and 2. Even bi-er than I thought I was.

___

Engineer Mark: Am I in trouble?

Celci: Take a guess.

Engineer Mark: . . .No?

Celci: Take another guess

___

Captain: *completely deadpan* Stop forgiving my crimes. I worked hard on those.

___

Engineer Mark: He’s touching me!

Mack: *pointing at Mark, holding his finger exactly one inch from Mark’s shoulder* I am not.

Engineer Mark: AH! You’re touching me!

Mack: *in a sing-song voice* Not touching~

Engineer Mark: TOUCHING. ME.

Mack: *rolls his eyes* It’s free air.

Engineer Mark: *grabs Mack’s hand and bites him*

Mack: *shrieking bloody murder* HE BIT ME! CAPTAIN, MARK’S BITING ME!

Captain: *not looking up from their work* Knock it off, you two. I’m busy.

Engineer Mark: HE STARTED IT

Captain: I don’t care who started it, I’LL FINISH IT.

___

Celci: Are you familiar with the gearshift?

Engineer Mark: You mean the prindle?

Celci: . . .The what?

Engineer Mark: The prindle!

Celci: For God’s sake—are you referring to the lever that say P-R-N-D-L?

Engineer Mark: I’m not a kid, Celci! I know how to spell prindle!

___

Celci: Some people just need a high-five.

Celci: . . .in the face. . .

Celci: . . .with a chair. . .

___

Engineer Mark: *carrying several supplies, obviously struggling*

Captain: *holds out their hands to help*

Engineer Mark: *aggressively moves all the supplies to one hand in order to hold hands with The Captain*

___

Engineer Mark: Why can’t you just see things from my perspective?!

Celci: *kneels down*

Mack: *sits on the floor*

Burt: *curls up into a ball*

Engineer Mark: Okay, listen here, you little shits—

___

Celci: Get out of my quarters, Mark.

Engineer Mark: *standing exactly one inch from the doorway* But I’m not even in your quarters.

Celci: I don’t care, get out of my quarters!

Engineer Mark: But I’m not IN your quarters!

Celci: Well you’re bothering me so GET OUT!

Engineer Mark: I’m just minding my own business!

Celci: Yeah, in MY quarters! Captain, Mark is in my quarters!

Captain: Mark, please head to your own quarters.

Engineer Mark: I’M NOT EVEN IN HER FUCKING QUARTERS!

___

Gunther: Quick, I need $10,000 because I have ADHD and am bisexual

___

Burt: *takes a long, deep breath*

Burt: *whispers* “yup” as quietly as humanly possible*

___

Wug: Wug thinks Friend Mx. Allu might be mad at you and Friend Captain.

Engineer Mark: What makes you say that?

Wug: *typing on his communicator* Friend Mx. Allu seemed really busy when Wug went to report to them, and they asked Wug to relay a message to Friend Mark.

Engineer Mark: *leans forward to listen to the hologram recording*

Allu: *on the hologram* Greetings, Human. I hope this message finds you before I do. . .

___

Mack: My two reasons for doing things—1. Spite, and 2. The aesthetic. That’s it.

Mack: . . .Okay, I lied—3. Attention

___

Engineer Mark: They say lions throw their cubs off ravines and only raise the ones strong enough to climb back up. Well, firstly, that’s not true and completely irrelevant to the story, but it makes for a cool opening!

___

Bandit: I lost Wug for an entire weekend at the mall once.

Bandit: He was living in a boba shop. He was so happy there. . .

___

[The Captain is introducing the crew to Allu Minum]

Captain: This is Burt, short for Burton.

Captain: This is Celci, short for Celcionna.

Captain: This is Mack, short for Mackenzie.

Captain: And this is Mark. He’s just short.

Engineer Mark: *internally screaming*

Everyone Else: *struggling to contain their laughter*

___

Gunther: I did a little bit of spying on the Captain. Do you want me to spill the beans?

Burt: Why would you ever intentionally spill beans? They’re one of nature’s most densely packed protein sources, and they remain unsullied by flavor.

___

Captain: Sometimes I just wanna yeet myself out of the ship and taste some of that delicious, scrumptious space air

Engineer Mark: As I can recall, there is no space air?

Captain: Exactly

___

Engineer Mark: WHY AREN’T THERE ADULT-SIZED PLAYGROUNDS?!

Engineer Mark: Like, everything is the same as a kid’s playground, but bigger! Why don’t we have those?!

Burt: We do. They’re called theme parks.

Engineer Mark: But you have to PAY for theme parks!

Burt: That’s the adult part.

___

Engineer Mark: Do you think we went overboard with the party decorations?

Gunther: Nah, it’s cool

Celci: THE SHIP IS ON FIRE

Burt: Aesthetic

___

Engineer Mark: Hey, Mack? Where’s the Captain?

Mack: The Captain’s fine. . . *starts laughing maniacally*

Mack: Sorry, I just thought of something funny. *points at The Captain* They’re right here.

___

[Engineer Mark and Gunther are practice-sparring]

Gunter: *pulls yet another gun seemingly out of nowhere* Check this out, Markimoo!

Engineer Mark: GUNTHER!? WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!? YOU THINK YOU CAN HURT ME WITH THAT? WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO, GUNTHER? SHOOT ME?

[30 minutes later]

Celci, to Engineer Mark as his gunshot wounds are getting treated in MedBay: I’m really not sure what you were expecting to happen there.

___

Burt: Captain, what are you doing?

Captain: I’m confronting the person who ruined my life.

Burt: . . .

Burt: You’re yelling at a mirror, Captain. . .

___

Engineer Mark: Yes, I know you reassured me literally one hour ago, but I need reassurance once again.

___

[A typical conversation about The Captain]

Mack: —HOT! HOW ARE THEY SO FUCKING HOT?! AND RESPECTFUUUUUULLL?!?!?

Engineer Mark: *quietly snickering* Oh my God. . .

Mack: THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG WITH THEM.

___

Gunther: Captain, facts are like stars

Burt: Always in the sky, but you can’t always see them

Gunther: No, they’re like shining holes in the dark light of my ignorance. AND I DON’T LIKE ‘EM!

___

Captain: My life is a little too much panic and not enough disco.

Gunther: My life is a little too much fallout and not enough boy.

Celci: My life is a little too much chemical and not enough romance.

Burt: My life is a little too much imagination and not enough dragons

___

Wug: What’s the meaning of human life?

Captain: Mark.

Wug: Aww! Because Friend Mark is always by Friend Captain’s side?

Captain: No. Because life is short.

Wug: *bursts out laughing*

Engineer Mark, from the other room: I HEARD THAT

___

Engineer Mark: People who sleep with their phone on silent or DND really don’t give a fuck about anybody.

Celci and/or The Bandit: Look, if you decide to have a problem after midnight, that’s between you and God.

Captain: . . .

Burt: How do you set your phone to Dungeons and Dragons?

___

Engineer Mark: Allu won’t trace it back to us, don’t worry

Captain: Are you for real? They trace everything back to us! They’ve traced things we haven’t even done back to us!

___

Engineer Mark: This ship is an “uwu” free zone

Celci: For once, I agree with you, Mark. And anyone who goes “uwu” or “OwO” in response shall be imprisoned for their crimes against humanity

Mack: cwimes agwainst huwmanwity ^w^

Engineer Mark: *starting to tremble, tears now running down his face* I-I am going t-to break your fucking fingers. . !

Burt: bwoken bwones awe tempowawy. Bwut twauma-indwuced nightmwares can wast as wong as a wifetime uwu

Celci: *grits her teeth, trying to keep a pokerface* I won’t hesitate to kill you, bitches!

Captain: *begins crawling around on the ceiling* this mowtwal vessel is ownwy a shwell contwaining howwors the univwerse has newer sween OwO

Engineer Mark and Celci: *holding each other and screaming in absolute terror*

___

Gunther: *pulls a cigar out of his jacket*

Celci: *gives Gunther a disapproving look*

Gunther: *shrugs as he lights the cigar* I just like the feeling of something in my lungs.

Celci: . . .

Gunther: . . .

Celci: Have you tried breathing—

___

Captain: *being interviewed after going through a certain timeline* Am I intimidated by Mack? No. He can be a bit crazy at times, but—

Engineer Mark: *pokes his head through the door of The Captain’s quarters* Mack requested a meeting with you

Captain: *scrambling under their desk* oH SHIT—

___

Mack: Captain, you ignorant slut—

___

Celci: Whatever you’re thinking right now, stop.

Engineer Mark: What?

Celci: You always make that face when you’re about to say something stupid to piss me off. So do yourself a favor and cut it out alrea—

Engineer Mark: I wanted to apologize for all the animosity between us. I shouldn’t just resort to insulting you when you bring up ideas that are different than mine. I haven’t been respecting you like a good crew member should, so I can’t expect you to respect me, either.

Celci: . . .

Engineer Mark: . . .

Celci: Mark, I—

Engineer Mark: Also, cereal qualifies as a soup

Celci: I FUCKING KNEW IT!!!

___

Celci: The Captain’s cryopod has been malfunctioning; they won’t be able to enter or stay in hibernation because of it. We can’t take off until it’s repaired.

Burt: So, what you’re proposing is that whomever helps the Captain stay asleep wins some kind of prize?

Celci: That’s not at all what I—

Mack: *bursts into the room, holding a cast iron frying pan* Where are they?

___

Captain: *on their communicator* Bandit! We need your help! I—

Bandit: *having been just woken up* Nuh-uh, Cap. Is your ship on fire?

Captain: . . .Well, no—

Bandit: Then it’s not a real emergency. *hangs up and goes back to sleep*

Celci: What did she say? She’s an expert on wormholes, isn’t she? Did she know what to do about a portal to some new dimension opening up in the commons room?

Captain: Apparently, this isn’t a real emergency.

Engineer Mark: *being strangled by some horrific alien creature* HOW THE FUCK IS THIS NOT A REAL EMERGENCY?!

___

Burt: Captain, you know Mark will never agree to this plan.

Captain: Sure he will

Celci: I’ve already asked him three times. His response was to blow raspberries and flip me off.

Captain: Well then, let me try

Captain: *walks into the next room, approaching Mark* Hey, Mark! Could you—

Engineer Mark: Y e s .

___

Burt: Change is inedible. Celci: Don't you mean inevitable? Burt: *spitting out coins* No, I did not.

___

Captain: I’m gonna need a human skull and I can't have you ask any questions why.

Bandit: Only if you also don't ask why Bandit: *pulls seven pristine human skulls out of her coat* Take your pick. Captain: . . . Bandit: . . . Captain: This one is fine

___

Captain: Gunther, I said you could bring one other crew member to this meeting. ONE.

Gunther: They’re good pals. They work well together.

Mack: *trying to strangle Engineer Mark in the background* WHAT THE HELL DID YOU SAY ABOUT PEEPACHU?!?! SAY IT AGAIN RIGHT NOW!!!! I DARE YOU!!!!!!!!

Captain: . . .

Gunther: . . .I mean, they’re entertaining, aren’t they?

___

Captain: Mark and I have the kind of easy chemistry where we finish each other’s— Engineer Mark: Sentences? Captain: Don't interrupt me.

___

Mack: Hey, Captain! Trick or Yeet?

Captain: *confused and not really paying attention* “Yeet?”

Mack: Yeet it is!

Mack: *tosses The Captain into the dungeon*

___

Gunther: I'm 10 times funnier and sexier than you Captain: 10 times 0 is still 0 though Gunther: Jokes on you, I can't do math

___

Captain: Mark, you need to apologize to Celci

Engineer Mark: *rolling his eyes* Fffffffiiiine!

Engineer Mark: *with strained politeness towards Celci* “Unfuck you,” or whatever

___

Wug: If Theoretical Human had to choose between Hideous Human and all the money Wug has in Wug’s wallet, which would Theoretical Human take? Mack: That depends, how much money are we talking about? Engineer Mark: Mack. . ! Wug: 63 cents. Mack: I'll take the money. Engineer Mark: MACK!!!

___

Captain: *to the Invincible II crew* Alright, listen up, you little shits!

Captain: *to Wug and The Bandit* Not you two. You’re angels and we’re glad to have you here

___

Engineer Mark: What did Vincent say when he lost his car in the parking lot?

Engineer Mark: “Where did my Van Gogh?”

Celci: *rolling her eyes* The correct pronunciation of “Gogh” is “goff,” you uncultured swine.

Engineer Mark: *gives Celci double birds* Well then, fuck Gogh.

Mack: *just passing through* Actually, both of you are wrong. Vincent Van Gogh was Dutch. His name is actually pronounced “Van KHOCK,” so, suck my Gogh.

___

Gunther: If I don’t pay up I’ll go to jail for tax evasion! I’m insane enough to take on drones and aliens. . .but the IRS? NOOOOOOOOOOO THANK YOUUUUUUU!!!

___

Gunther: Just trust me, alright? Have I ever put us in an unsafe or uncomfortable situation?

Mack: Yes? Literally all the time?!

Gunther: Then you should be used to it now, bitchboy

___

Engineer Mark: I’m well aware of the fact that I’ve accidentally set myself on fire.

Engineer Mark: Is that any of your business? No, it is not.

Engineer Mark: And no, I don’t need your pity water. Let me burn in peace.

___

Mack: *gently taps table*

Engineer Mark: *taps table in response*

Captain: What are they doing?

Burt: Using morse code

Mack: *now aggressively tapping the table*

Engineer Mark: *slams his hands down on the table* YOU TAKE THAT BACK!

___

Ms. Whitacare: Now, what are the three stages of life?

Celci: Birth

Captain: What the fuck is this

Engineer Mark: Death

___

Allu: Looks like you and your crew are all set. *Shakes hands with The Captain* Have fun on the rest of your journey. Please don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Engineer Mark: *raising an eyebrow* I thought you said to have FUN.

___

Captain, to a heavily injured Engineer Mark: We’re almost at MedBay, Mark. Quick, what’s your type?

Engineer Mark, a bit loopy: Vague features, a thoughtful attitude, a firm grip. . .

Captain: . . .

Captain: NO, I MEANT YOUR BLOOD TYPE!

Engineer Mark: . . .Oh.

Engineer Mark: Red

___

Captain: Name a more iconic duo than me and procrastination! Go ahead, I’ll wait.

Burt: Of course you will

Mack: I should kill you

___

Captain: I’m having a baby.

Invincible II Crew: *celebrating* Wug: Really? Wow! Wug’s never seen infant humans befo— Captain: *slamming adoption papers on the table in front of Wug* It's you, sign here.

___

Mack: Let’s play a game. We all know the Captain and Mark will end up killing each other, inadvertently or not, but what about everyone else? Celci: Gunther will do some murdering, but in the end, he’ll ultimately be murdered. Gunther: *nodding* I can see that Burt: What about me? Celci: You crave toast while taking a bath

Burt: *under his breath* I do love bath snacks

___

Celci: Dammit, Mark! Engineer Mark: What?! It wasn’t me! Celci: Wait, seriously? Sorry, force of habit. Dammit, Gunther! Gunther: Not me either. Celci: Oh. . .Then who set the ship on fire? Mack, who will swear on the wormhole that he saw a spider in his cryopod: *whistles nervously*

___

Captain: There is no future. There is no past. Don’t you see? Time is simultaneous, an intricately structured jewel that we humans insist on viewing one edge at a time, when the whole design is visible in every facet. Engineer Mark: . . . Celci: . . . Gunther: . . .

Burt: . . .

Chica: . . .

Mack: . . . The Rest of the Invincible II Crew At The Captain’s Surprise Birthday Party: . . . Tyler, piping up: . . .All Mark asked was if you wanted to cut your birthday cake first. . .

___

Engineer Mark: We are now one day closer to eating our next plate of nachos. Gunther: That’s. . .the most hopeful thing I've heard all week. Captain: But what if we die tomorrow and never eat any nachos? Burt: Then tomorrow is nacho lucky day.

Celci: *shoving Burt towards the airlock* GET OUT!!!!

___

Engineer Mark: Where do I hide?

Gunther: You don’t hide. You’re the bait. Go act. . .baity, or something

Engineer Mark: What’s the plan?

Celci: The enemies attack you.

Engineer Mark: And then what?

Mack The enemies kill you. We watch. We rejoice.

___

Gunther: I just ended a five-year relationship. . .

Engineer Mark: Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, buddy! Are you okay? Gunther: Yeah? It wasn’t MY relationship

___

Engineer Mark: *looks into a nearby mirror and sighs sadly* Everyone hates the way I look. I have the sex appeal of a math textbook.

Mack: Well, that’s just completely inaccurate!

Engineer Mark: *pauses, then slowly looks at Mack* Really. . ?

Mack: *nods* I’ve never known anyone who’s opened a math textbook without saying “fuck me”

___

Celci: I want to roll my eyes right now, but the doctor said if I keep doing that, my ocular muscles might spasm and eject my eyeballs.

___

Engineer Mark: I really hit rock bottom last night. And I mean that literally—I fell into a pit and hit a rock.

Engineer Mark: I remember lying there thinking, “There’s probably a good reason why I’m down here.”

Engineer Mark: And then I started thinking, “I need morphine”

___

Gunther: Self care is actually getting into fights with randoms in dark alleys. Celci: No, self care is stuff like taking a bubble bath, or putting on a lot of makeup if you like it, or taking a nice cat nap. Wug: Self care is the burning heat of rage washing over you!! Self care is when you feel bones crack under your powerful fists!! Self care is fear in your enemies’ eyes!!! Engineer Mark: Lmao self care is taking your birthday cake just so I can eat the frosting. Mack: If you so much as touch my birthday cake before me, I’ll make you eat your hands.

___

Celci: *setting down a card* Ace of spades Engineer Mark: *pulling out an Uno card* +4 Mack: *pulling out a Pokémon card* Jolteon, I choose you Allu: *trembling* What kind of human game is this?

___

Mack: Dumbest scar stories, go! Celci: I burned my tongue once drinking tea. Engineer Mark: I dropped a hair dryer on my leg once and burned it. Gunther: I have a piece of graphite in my leg for accidentally stabbing myself with a pencil in the first grade. Burt: I was taking a cup of noodles out of the microwave and spilled it on my hand and got a really bad burn. Captain: . . . Captain: I have emotional scars.

___

Celci: If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous. Engineer Mark: What if it bites me and it dies? Mack: Then you’re poisonous. Jesus Christ, Mark, learn to listen. Captain: What if it bites itself and I die? Burt: That’s voodoo. Wug: What if it bites Wug and someone else dies? Allu: That’s correlation, not causation. Bandit: What if we bite each other, and neither of us die? Gunther: That’s kinky. Celci: Oh my God.

___

[The Invincible II crew is standing around a broken coffee maker]

Captain: *folds their arms across their chest, addressing the crew* So. Who broke it? I’m not mad, I just wanna know.

Everyone: *remains silent* . . .

Wug: *piping up, surprisingly meek* . . .Wug did. Wug broke it.

Captain: *shakes their head knowingly* No. No, you didn’t. Mark?

Engineer Mark: *holds up his hands in defense* Don’t look at me, Captain. Look at Celci.

Celci: What?! I didn’t break it!

Engineer Mark: Huh, that’s weird. How’d you even know it was broken?

Celci: *raises an eyebrow* Because it’s sitting right in front of us and it’s broken.

Engineer Mark: *puts his hands on his hips and squints at Celci* Suspicious.

Celci: *reasonably exasperated* No, it’s not!

Burt: If it matters, probably not, but Gunther was the last one to use it.

Gunther: Liar! I don’t even drink that crap!

Burt: Oh really? Then what were you doing by the coffee cart earlier?

Gunther: *flexes his hand, showing off his nicely-manicured fingernails* I use the wooden stirrers to push back my cuticles. Everyone knows that, Burt!

Wug: *coming between Gunther and Burt, lightly pushing them away from one another* No fighting, humans! Wug broke it. Wug will fix it, Friend Captain.

Captain: No! Who broke it?!

Everyone: *remains silent* . . .

Gunther: *notices that Mack has just entered the room* Cap. . .Mack’s been awfully quiet.

Mack: *does a neck-snapping doubletake* rEALLY?!

[Everyone starts arguing. The fight gets louder and more out of control by the second]

Captain: *now being interviewed. The argument is still going on in the background* I broke it. It burned my hand, so I punched it on reflex.

Captain: *glances over their shoulder at the crew* I predict ten minutes from now, they’ll be at each other’s throats with warpaint on their faces and a pig’s head on a stick.

Captain: . . .

Captain: *smiles mischievously with one eye twitching* Good. It was getting a little chummy around here.

___

Captain: Time for Plan G. Wug: Don’t you mean Plan B? Captain: No, we tried Plan B a long time ago. I had to skip over Plan C due to technical difficulties. Burt: What about Plan D? Captain: Plan D was that desperate disguise attempt half an hour ago. Gunther: What about Plan E? Captain: I’m hoping not to use it. Mark dies in Plan E. Celci and The Bandit: *in almost perfect unison* I like Plan E.

___

Mack: Back in college, we literally named our volleyball team “NO GAMES SCHEDULED,” because if the other team didn’t show up, they lost their league deposit and forfeited. It worked several times. Everyone hated us and nothing as cool as that has happened to me since.

Captain: . . .You’ve got real issues, man.

___

Gunther: Truth or dare? Captain: Dare Gunther: I dare you to kiss the hottest person in the room Captain: Hey, Mark? Engineer Mark: *blushing* Yeah? Captain: Could you move? I’m trying to get to the Bandit

___

Captain: You can throw around all the French you want! It doesn’t make you right!

Mack: Au contraire

___

Captain: Hewwo. Engineer Mark: Hihiiiiii! Allu: Greetings, Humans. Celci: Three kinds of people. Wug: Wug want donuts. Bandit: Four kinds of people. Gunther: WHAT’S UP FUCKERS? Celci: Five kinds of people.

___

Bandit: Rules are made to be broken. Allu: They were made to be followed. Nothing is made to be broken. Captain: Uh, piñatas. Engineer Mark: Glow sticks. Gunther: Karate boards. Burt: Spaghetti when you have a small pot. Bandit: Rules. Allu: . . .

___

Engineer Mark: *seeing how Mack manipulated and betrayed The Captain* Look at this! You played them like a fiddle!

Mack: *considers this, then shakes his head* Oh no, Mark. Fiddles are actually pretty difficult to play

Mack: I played the Captain like the cheap kazoo they were

___

Gunther: Who the fuck added me to a fucking group chat? Celci: >:O language Wug: Yeah, human! Watch your fucking language Captain: OKAY WHO TAUGHT WUG THE FUCK WORD? Engineer Mark: 'The fuck word'. Burt: Are you stupid? You guys use the f word all the time Bandit: Oh my god they censored it Gunther: Say fuck, Burt. Engineer Mark: Do it, Burt. Say fuck.

___

Mack: Don't worry, I’ve got a plan. Captain: Alright. Mack: TraitorSayWhat? Engineer Mark: Excuse me? Mack: What? Captain: . . . Engineer Mark: . . . Mack: No wait—

___

Engineer Mark: “Smile!”

Captain: “Sweet!”

Celci: “Sister!”

Mack: “Sadistic!”

Wug: “Surprise!”

Burt: “Service!”

Gunther: “succ”

___

Allu: I CAN'T DO IT! Bandit: *laughing* I CAN'T EITHER! Allu: I CAN’T FUCKING DO IT ANYMORE Celci: WELL I'LL TELL YOU WHAT, YOU CAN EITHER GIVE UP NOW, OR YOU CAN FIGURE IT OUT. BECAUSE WE CERTAINLY CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT YOU, AND WE KNOW YOU CAN'T DO IT WITHOUT US. Allu: . . . Allu: I appreciate it, Allu: BUT LOOK WHAT WE'RE DEALING WITH! Wug: Miss Lady— Allu: YOU GOTTA DRAW THE LINE SOMEWHERE! Mack: Look, we gotta— Allu: YOU GOTTA DRAW A FUCKING LINE IN THE SAND. YOU GOTTA MAKE A STATEMENT. Allu: YOU GOTTA LOOK INSIDE YOURSELF AND SAY 'What am I willing to put up with today?' Allu: *motioning to The Captain and Engineer Mark* NOT FUCKING THIS!!!

___

Captain: I trust Mark. Celci: You think he knows what he’s doing? Captain: I wouldn't go that far.

___

Captain: In your opinion, what’s the height of stupidity? Celci: *turning to Engineer Mark* How tall are you?

___

Wug: Wug kind of crushing on someone, but Wug’s worried about telling Friend Mark who it is, because Friend Mark won’t like it Engineer Mark: Just rip the bandage off. Wug: It Friend Captain Engineer Mark: *grinding his teeth together* Put the bandage back on.

___

Engineer Mark: Would you guys be there for me if I was going through something?

Celci: Nope, absolutely not. Bandit: I hope it sucks, whatever you're going through. Wug: Wug hopes it emotionally scars Hideous Human for the rest of Hideous Human’s life. Allu: I hope you reach out to me so I can ignore you. Ms. Whitacare: I can't wait to go to your funeral, knowing I could've changed that outcome.

___

Captain: *running towards the airlock* I’m gonna jump!

Mack: Do a flip!

___

Allu: *to The Captain* The universe is in the hands of an idiot! Captain: *motioning to themself and Engineer Mark* No no no no no, TWO idiots!

___

Captain: Stressed

Celci: Depressed

Mack: Possessed

Engineer Mark: Obsessed

Allu: Unimpressed

Wug: Chicken breast

Everyone: . . .What?

Wug: Wug just wanted to join in.

___

Bandit: Wait, hold up, why do you draw yourself like that?

Captain: Uh, like what?

Bandit: Like with gorgeous, muscular legs

Captain: This is what I look like.

Bandit: . . .

Captain: THIS IS WHAT I LOOK LIKE!

Bandit: Okay, then I want big, beefy arms. Hot ones.

Wug: Wug wants a cowboy hat!

Captain: Okay, arms and hat *draws them*

Burt: Ooh, give me a cowboy hat, too!

Captain: You can’t just take Wug’s hat idea, Burt! They thought it up all by themself like a good person! Come up with your own thing!

Burt: BUT I WANNA LOOK COOL!

Engineer Mark: Put Celci on one of those stupid baby tricycles.

Celci: NO!!

Captain: Tricycle, done. *draws it* Gunther, want anything?

Engineer Mark: *making finger guns* Pew pew.

Captain: Another gun? That’s kind of already his thing. Gunther, do you want something different?

Gunther: *glaring and aggressively making finger guns* PEW. PEW.

Captain: You know what? Okay *draws it* But it’s just for holding, not for shooting.

___

Mack: *standing on a chair* The floor is lava!

Burt: *helps other crew members onto the counter*

Gunther: *shoots the floor while jumping up and down*

Wug: *practically latches onto the ceiling*

Engineer Mark and Celci: *trying to shove each other off the sofa*

Captain: *lays on the floor*

Mack: . . .Captain, are you okay?

Captain: No.

___

Gunther: Imagine if someone handed you a box full of all the things you lost in your life.

Burt: It would be nice to have my sense of purpose back. . .

Bandit and Celci: Oh, wow! My childhood innocence! Thank you for finding this!

Engineer Mark: My will to live! I haven’t seen this in years!

Wug: Wug knew Wug left that potential somewhere!

Captain: Mental stability, my old friend!

Gunther: Jesus, you guys need to lighten up already

___

Engineer Mark: Is it still visible? Where Celci slapped me?

Mack: Your face looks like a “Don’t Walk” signal

Burt: Your face looks like a photo negative for the Hamburger Helper mascot.

Bandit: A palm reader could tell Celci’s future by looking at your face.

Gunther: The phrase, “Talk to the hand cuz’ the face ain’t listenin’” doesn’t work for you right now, because the hand is your face.

Engineer Mark: . . .A simple “yes” would’ve sufficed.

___

Gunther: If you put “violently” in front of everything to describe your action, it becomes funnier!

Celci: Violently studies

Burt: Violently sleeps

Wug: Violently orders food

Captain: Violently slips into existential crisis over an endless cycle of increasingly-specific choices offered by too many timelines to keep track of, because APPARENTLY life wasn’t already meaningless enough.

Captain: Oh, and violently succumbs to depression and madness due to possibility of killing innocent people because another version of you decided to use boredom and curiosity as an excuse to stop caring about basic morality.

Everyone: . . .

Engineer Mark: Violently worries about the previous statement

___

Captain: *dies*

Narrator: Timer starts now! When are they coming bacK? I say two months!

Eldritch Plier: Bullshit. One month.

Bandit: Nah, half a month

Literally everyone else on the Invincible II: *sobbing* WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! THE CAPTAIN JUST DIED!

Engineer Mark: *scratching his chin in thought* One week.

___

Captain: The Bandit kissed me!

Engineer Mark: *slack-jawed, eyes twitching* Oh my God.

Captain: *completely oblivious* It was unbelievable!

Engineer Mark: *getting noticeably choked-up* Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God—

Celci: Okay, we wanna hear everything. Mark, get the wine and unplug the phone.

Mack: Captain, does this end well, or do we need tissues?

Captain: Oh, it ended very well.

Engineer Mark: *gritting his teeth and blinking back tears* Do not start without me. . .

Celci: Alright, let’s hear about the kiss. Was it a soft brush against your lips, or was it like a, y’know, “I gotta have you now” kind of thing?

Captain: Well, at first it was really intense, y’know? And then, oh God, and then we just sort of sunk into it.

Mack: Ohh. . .So, okay, was she holding you? Or were her hands on your back?

Captain: First she started out on my waist, and then her hands slipped up and then were in my hair.

Celci and Mack: Ohhh.

[Meanwhile, elsewhere on the Invincible II]

Bandit: *eating some glowing alien pizza from the intergalactic fast food place* And, uh. . .then I kissed them.

Wug: Tongue?

Bandit: Yeah.

Wug: Cool.

___

Allu: Wow, they look like a real handful. How do you deal with them?

Captain, watching Gunther screaming at nothing, Engineer Mark trying to set a sleeping Celci on fire, and Burt choking on air: I don’t know either.

___

Captain: What if the person who named Walkie-Talkies named everything?

Gunther: Pregnancy tests would be Maybe-Babies

Engineer Mark: Socks would be Feetie-Heaties

Bandit: Defibrillators would be Heartie-Starties

Wug: Nightmares would be Dreamy-Screamies

Burt: Stamps would be Lickie-Stickies

Celci: I hate you guys so much.

___

Mack: *teleports behind The Captian* I like ya cut, G

Mack: *dropkicks The Captain into the dungeon*

[SLAP]

#incorrect quotes #in space with markiplier #in space with markiplier part 2 #iswm #iswm part 2 #iswm engineer mark #iswm captain y/n #iswm celci #iswm gunther b. gunnerson #iswm burt #iswm bandit #iswm allu minium #iswm wug #iswm ms. whitacare #iswm mack #in space with mack #iswm narrator #eldritch iplier

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orange-waterfalls · 2 years

Text

Ramblings of a Detective

Detective!Mark Iplier x reader

ty anon for the request

A/N: I blacked out and this happened. They said detective Mark and I got so excited. Waxing poetic from someone else’s POV is so fun so I liked this one a lot. I was happy to keep going, but I wanted to get it out there. It was beta-read this time so I’m disappointed I can’t tag it as “no beta we die like Lady”.

Our boy is Yearning. It’s from Space Detetcive Mark’s POV. Switches from 1st person to 2nd person like halfway through. Also switches from past to present tense because I don’t care lol. Celci’s in here for 2 seconds because she and Mark both have crushes on the Captain and I stand by that. Enjoy. Please for the love of God, enjoy. ALSO you guys should listen to Ramblings of a Lunatic by Bears in Trees. Unrelated to the fic but it’s the only thing I could think of for a title.

Word Count: 2.5k

I sat back in my chair, creaking as it went back and forth like the whines of a lost little puppy calling for its mama. The chair was old, older than me, I think. It was a nice chair, dark wood that bent a little at the connections of the back to the seat. Suppose it deserved a little flak. It was just a chair, it did its best. I liked the chair. What’s more I liked what I could see in the chair.

I could see the board, filled from edge to edge with images and clippings and papers, all connected with a red line that came back to one edge. No matter what way you go, where you go, what you do, it all comes back to this. It gave me a strange sense in my chest, a feeling I wasn’t used to. Like I know this. Like I’ve been here before. But that’s impossible. I didn’t even know what we wanted to find out.

I could see out the window into the vast expanse of open space. The darkness and stars and distant planets and galaxies that we may get to see soon. The cold, unyielding, unloving embrace of the void with almost certain death within and beyond its grip. I could feel the existential dread in my bones, the fear in my heart, the adrenaline in my veins. It was terrifying.

It was wonderful.

“Oh, to die surrounded by stars.” That was the quote they’d hung up on the wall. I’d asked where it came from, what it meant. They shrugged. They made it up. Isn’t that something?

My favorite thing to look at, however, was the Captain. Oh Captain, my Captain. The one I’ve loved for so long but they just can’t seem to see it. They wander around, trailing their hands over things they’ve seen a thousand times before and will see a thousand times more. Little, insignificant things. A book, a mug, a plant. But they look with such fervor, such intensity and passion, as if they will never see any of it again.

I like watching the Captain. I suppose that’s a weird thing to say, but I do. I like seeing what they do when they think no one is looking. They sway and shift and tap their feet, always seem to be doing something, always seem to need something to do. Sometimes I wanted to walk over and take their hands in mine and tell them they don’t have to do anything, they’re perfect, they just need to exist for me to be happy with them, they could throw me out of the airlock and I’d use my last few seconds of life to ask for forgiveness and wonder what I’d done to deserve their anger, because I must have done something.

“Something the matter, Captain?” I asked when they’d stopped next to me, staring out the window. They were close. So close. They were always very close by, which I was grateful for, but my heart always sped up in the way that it did when you were 13 and met a cheerleader in a crop top for the first time. They were so handsome and/or beautiful and I couldn’t help how my internal organs reacted. My heart beat, my stomach twisted, my muscles contracted, and at one point I thought I was dying because of how much was going on in my body. They never touched me except for a friendly handshake or appreciative pat on the shoulder or a… gentle squeeze of my bicep. Sometimes, they made me shake like a short-haired chihuahua in a January snowstorm in Toronto.

They simply shrugged in response, and kept staring. That was the Captain. Quiet. Always thinking. Always had something on their mind. I wanted to take their face in my hands and try to see what they were thinking. I wanted to say “Tell me. Tell me what’s going on in there. I want to know everything you think. I want to know your mind. I want you to tell me and no one else because I’m the only one who gets to know you, really.” And maybe they would. Maybe they’d allow me access to the dark recesses of their mind, all their odd and sad and bloody and happy thoughts that they never shared with anyone. Wouldn’t that be something?

However, I just nodded. That was a thing I tended to do. Just nod when I know what I want to say, but can’t say it. I can’t tell them how much I want to be close to them. I can’t tell them how absolutely handsome and/or beautiful they are. I can’t tell them how sometimes, as I’m drifting out of consciousness, I want to go out and find them and crawl into their bed and beg them to pay attention to me, please, hold my hand, pet my hair, show me some affection because I can’t live without it and I need it and I need you and please don’t ever leave me alone.

I’m an independent man, but sometimes an independent man wants to be cuddled by his favorite person.

I decided to take a chance and look up at them, quickly regretting it. Beautiful baby greys staring, focused out into the distant black horizon. Stars twinkling in the reflections of their eyes. Millions of thoughts racing along, not one stopping to be known by anyone but them. I wanted them to tell me. I wanted to know. I wanted to know them as much as I could.

They were tense, tense as could be. Shoulders high, jaw set, eyebrows furrowed. They looked angry, but I knew they weren’t. They were thinking. Thinking about anything and everything, all at once. Their nose scrunched in the most adorable and/or sexy way once and a while. I wanted to kiss the frown off their lips. I really, really wanted to.

Hands opening and closing, clenching like they wanted something to hold. Like they used to have something to hold. Like they didn’t know what to do with them. I never knew what to do either, what, with them running through my mind every day. As much as I wanted to offer my own hand, I restrained myself. It’s too early. Too much.

Handsome and/or beautiful. Pretty and/or hunky. Dapper and/or elegant and/or attractive and/or any compliment I could possibly think of because I loved them. I loved you.

There’s a thought, huh?

“I love you,” I mumbled, quieter than you could ever hear, quieter than even I could hear, basically just mouthing the words. You caught a glimpse, however, because you were always paying attention to me. Making sure I was okay and happy and comfortable. What did I ever do to deserve you?

You tilted your head in that way that you do, asking “what was that?” with a simple movement. I couldn’t say, so I just smiled and shook my head. You wanted to press, I could tell you did, but you just nodded and turned back to the window. I wanted to say something. Something clever, something kind, something to make you blush and sputter and giggle and shove me playfully. I wanted so bad to make you happy. But I was too scared to make you sad.

And then Celci entered the room.

“Captain, looking dashing and/or stunning as ever,” she said in that stupid nice voice reserved only for you, throwing a wink your way and a scowl in mine. She knew what she was doing when she made you blush. She knew how I felt. She knew how she felt. I didn’t want to have to fight for your affection, but if it was against Celci, I’d play dirty like a pig in the mud.

“Celci,” I growled. Once, you had said I growled like a wolf. It was a tease, I knew, meant to push my buttons, but I cherished it.

“Mark,” She spat, venom lacing her tone. The wolf and the snake. Wonder who you’ll pick.

Celci isn’t a snake. Celci’s honest and hard-working and, deep down, we respect each other. Way deep down.

“Shouldn’t you be taking care of the colonists?” I asked.

“Shouldn’t you be fixing the ship?” She shot back.

“The ship doesn’t need fixing.”

“I’m sure you’ll find something.”

“I’d rather be here.”

“Well, so would I.”

“Did the Captain ask for you?”

“Did they ask for you?”

You put out both hands, stopping the argument in its tracks. We both closed our mouths, knowing better than to piss off the boss.

That was another problem, huh? You’re my boss, aren’t you? Even if you did feel the same way about me that I feel about you, you’d never allow a relationship. There’s a power imbalance that you’d refuse to have. I love that about you. You know when to quit. I don’t. I don’t want to quit. I couldn’t care less about any power imbalance, I’d sooner quit my engineering career than drop my relationship with you. But you wouldn’t let me. I know you wouldn’t. I won’t make you choose between your job and me.

“The Colonists are fine, Captain. I wanted to spend some time up here, with you. And Mark,” CC said, as if she wasn’t completely ruining my night. Day. Whatever it was now. You started to nod because you enjoyed Celci’s company (almost) as much as mine, but I was tempted to ruin this. The desire to give in to any temptation that involved you ran deep in my blood. The Devil found a darling in me long ago.

I made a noise. A little one, in the back of my throat. Small enough that you could miss it or ignore it.

But you didn’t. You listened and you heard and you turned to me and stared into my eyes and I didn’t know what you saw but whatever you did made you dismiss Celci. She nodded and left, her lips pressed together and a grimace on her face, not wanting to disobey our Captain. My Captain. Cause you’re mine, aren’t you? I somehow managed to become priority number one. I wormed my way into your soul and made a space for myself and refused to leave. I don’t know how I did it, but you cared for me. It made me happier than a two-tailed dog, if I’m being honest.

You didn’t look at me again, but I wasn’t mad. How could I be? You’re you. You have your reasons, and I respect them. I knew you cared about me either way, you didn’t have to look at me. Even if I’d really prefer if you did. Even if I desperately want to stare into your eyes until I drown in them. I’d settle for this, though. Our little room with a little chair and a little desk and a little conspiracy board and a big window looking out into the emptiness where we searched for meaning. Ours. And Celci said the windows were a bad idea. What does she know, anyway?

We were quiet for a while, and that was fine. We didn't need to make noise. I liked the silence, anyways. It wasn't loud, it was quiet. Neither of us had any words to be said. Neither of us wanted to interrupt the nothingness. We just wanted to be, and so we did, and so we were. I tried my absolute hardest not to stare, but I couldn't help myself. Baby greys, tension, flexing your hands. I stared at your hands. I really, really wanted to hold them. The temptation was getting to be too much.

Temptation. That's the problem, isn't it? The desire in my brain that I am too weak to resist. The urge to kiss and hold and love that I need to bury down but can't bring myself to. You're my best friend, my favorite person, my love, my life, the one that I want. The one that I need. You are my temptation. And who am I to deny myself?

I hesitantly reached out to your hand clenched into a fist. I laid my fingers on your wrist, asking permission. You looked at me and your face was unreadable. I worried I'd crossed a line, that I’d misread the situation, that it was too much, too fast. You were my boss. You'd never let that happen. I'd made a mistake, hadn't I?

But you didn't jerk your hand back. You didn't turn and ask Celci to come back and hang out. You didn't request that I leave to go take care of the ship because there must be something to fix. You let me take your hand. I started to sweat.

I gently uncurled each finger from your palm, one at a time, massaging the knuckles because I knew you'd be a little sore in the joints. Your fingers twitched once and a while, and I paused to see if you'd ask me for anything. You never did, so I continued. Once I felt like I had taken care of that as well as I could, I pressed my own palm into yours. The angle was weird, I hadn't thought it through, but I managed to twist my arm around to line my fingers up with yours. I slid them in between, interlocking our hands, keeping us together even as we stayed apart. You didn't pull away, so I assumed it was alright.

I tried to quietly shift my chair towards you. “Tried” and “quietly” being the key words here. The chair was old. It creaked like hell. I could barely move two inches without it sounding like the floor would collapse on itself. Goddamn chair. I don’t like this chair.

You laughed, just a little, and that made the embarrassment worth it. You shuffled a little closer until you were standing behind me, and you paused for a moment. I was about to ask what you were doing, but you put a hand on my head. My eyes widened and I waited with bated breath. Blood rushed to my face and thoughts raced through my head.

Pet my hair, run your fingers through it, kiss the top of my head, something, anything, please, please, please–

You started to pet my head, gently, and it would be imperceptible if you let up any more. But I cherished it. My eyes fluttered closed and I sighed and leaned my head back.

I didn’t know how much time had passed before I was about to drift out of the world of the awake. I heard the faint noise of voices in the hallway– Gunther complaining, Burt saying something profound, CC giving orders and everyone asking where the Captain was. I smiled to myself, knowing the answer. The Captain was with me. The Captain was mine. I was their best friend, their number one priority. All the rest of the crew could suck it. I had won. You might’ve been mine, you might’ve not been. But you were here, with me, nonetheless.

It was wonderful.

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