#quotes that make me break down sobbing if im being honest

[tomholland1996simp]

Pregnant and emotional || Tom holland

Pairing: Husband/DadTom x pregnant reader

Unknown: Can you make one where Y/N is like 7months pregnant and is really emotional over something really silly or little things. Tom comes home and hears her crying then comforts her. And like during the day she gets emotional over everything as of her hormones being pregnant thanks :)

Me and Tom have been together for 5 years now and we have been married for over a year. After our wedding we planned that we would try for a baby. And now I'm 7months pregnant to a baby girl. When me and Tom found out I was pregnant we were so happy and so was his family. We're both 25 now, we're ready.

Being pregnant has been kind of hard for me. Luckily Tom has been with me every step of the way. I just worry that he will be at work filming when my water breaks. I don't want him to miss our baby girl being born.

His family are so excited for this baby, mostly his brothers. Harry always goes on about and I quote 'I will be the best uncle and always protect my niece she will love me the most!'. His family have been helping me through it all as well.

Right now I'm sitting on mine and Toms bed crying. To be honest I have no idea why, but I just came out of the shower and tried to brush my hair. Which was incredibly knotty.

"Fuck sakes Please just brush" I violently brush the big knot in my hair. I was sitting on the bed still in my towel. I was happy Tom wasn't here to see his wife crying because she couldn't brush her hair. He would think it's pathetic!

"Ugh forget it" I cry out, throwing the brush at the wall. I just sat there holding my towel to my body and sobbing.

Then my phone started ringing, I pick it up to see that Harry was calling me.

"Hello" I said trying not to sound sad. "Hey y/n you okay?" Harry asked obviously hearing my sniffles. "Y-yeah Im fine w-whats up?" I sniffed.

"TOM!" Harry shouted away from the phone.

"What!" I heard Tom shout back.

"Come here please! You told me call y/n but I think she's crying".

Tom was on set right now, that's why I didn't want to bother him. Luckily he is filming a movie in London, he decided it was best due to me being very pregnant. Normally he never has to come over to check me to see if Im okay, but he does it anyways.

Honestly all day I've been very emotional and it's probably all my hormones that's making me so emotional.

Tom took the phone off Harry. "Hey darling, are you okay? Is our baby girl alright!" I heard Toms worried voice.

"Y-yeah everything's fine. Harry is the one who called me" I sniffed, I am so bad at acting.

"Your crying I can tell. I know when your not okay y/n. I just wanna know Is the baby okay? Are you okay?"

"She's fine Tommy really. Go back on set"

"I'm coming home" he said.

I really didn’t want him to see me like this, "Nooo, Don't come here please" I begged now crying.

"Princess, If your upset I wanna make sure your okay. Your all I care about right now, okay. I'll be 15 minutes max. I Love you bye" He then put the phone down.

I just sat there crying more, thinking of how he's coming home because I'm being the baby. I didn't even realise that 15 minuets had passed so fast as I heard the door shut with footsteps. I was still sobbing into my hands, so I didn't even realise that Tom walked into the room.

"Princess what's wrong?" Tom sat next to me, moving my hands from my face so I can face him.

"Tom I told you go back on set" I look at him with a bit of a harsh tone, he didn’t mind though.

"Well I need to make sure both my baby girls are okay." He places his hand on my stomach that was covered by my towel. "You know you can tell me anything. Why you crying angel?" He wiped my tears.

"B-because this day is going so bad. First, I woke up a-and dropped my water all over me. Then I cried about that because I'm such a b-baby. Second thing i-is that in the shower I couldn't even wash my back properly. A-and now I can't brush my hair because of—of some stupid knot! that won't come out and now your here. Probably thinking why's my wife being a fucking baby because she can't do simple tasks. I just keep crying, I'm so emotional right now and your gonna just laugh" I ramble on full on sobbing.

"Hey, hey. Your not a baby for crying over certain things. And you should've called me If you was feeling very emotional today. I would never ever ever think that. I don't know what it's like being pregnant so I have no excuse to even laugh and I don't want to. Don't cry please. Because If your sad then our baby girl is and I will be" He kisses my forehead.

"I can't brush my hair" I cried into his chest.

"Here let me do it. Where's the brush?" I point to it on the floor by the wall. He then stand up, grabbing the brush from the floor,  standing above me. Tom brushed my hair carefully making sure he didn't hurt me. After he was done brushing my hair, he pulled out a pair of his joggers and a shirt for me to wear.

"Here put these on, I'm gonna set up a movie and i'll get you some snacks" He pecks my lips leaving the room.

I got my underwear on and then tried to pull the joggers up, however my bump was in the way so it didn't really help me.

"Tom?" I called, knowing he's the only one that can help me.

"Yes babe" He walked into the room seeing me with just my bra and panties on with the joggers half way up.

"Close your eyes!" I try hide my body but he doesn't listen, just walks over to me.

"Love, I've seen much more than this before. Do you want help beautiful?" he points to the joggers, I nod. Of course Tom has seen me fully naked before, I mean I am pregnant right now.

"I just feel ugly and fat" Shit, I didn't even mean to say that out loud.

Tom quickly pulled the joggers up then looked at me. "What! What did you just say" He looks at me, I just stay quiet. "You are the most sexiest, prettiest and most hottest girl i've ever known. Your pregnant not fat. Your so fucking stunning. Don't ever say that. Even the fans say you are beautiful ! Don't let anyone tell you different." he picks up my t-shirt and puts it over my head.

"I-I'm sorry" A tear fell down my cheek.

"n-no don't cry bubs or apologise. Just don't think about yourself that way, every inch of you is beautiful. I love you, okay"

"I love you too Tommy, so much. I'm so lucky to have you" I kissed him softly.

"I think I'm the one who's lucky Darling" he smiles into the kiss.

For the rest of the day we watch movies and Tom was there to comfort me. I love him so much and he's gonna be the best Dad ever. :)

#tom holland #tom holland x reader #fluff #tomhollandsimp #pregnant #pregnant reader #tom #tomhollanddad #tomhollandfans #tom holland fic #tommy #like

[kaylorrehabcenter]

Rating Every Song on Fearless Based on How Gay it is

Hello friends! I still have a few song analyses in the pipeline (and one on Lover the album) but today in honor of Fearless (Taylor’s Edition) being announced and Love Story being released in a few hours I thought I’d do something fun to celebrate!

And you know what? Fuck my usual disclaimer, I am the word of god here. Try and change my mind about any of these. I dare you. (I kid I kid this isn’t that serious and you’re free to disagree <3)

1. Fearless 15/10

Everything about this song is so fucking gay oh my god. This isn’t a fruit, this is a whole ass edible arrangement. As a small rural town Gay (my hometown has a population of less that 4,000 and where I’m living now has a population of 2,500) this uh. Hits.

“And I don't know how it gets better than this/You take my hand and drag me head first, fearless”

Y’ALL

The idea of falling in love with someone who makes you less afraid of your homophobic small town…….it’s getting to me.

“My hands shake, I'm not usually this way but/You pull me in and I'm a little more brave/It's the first kiss, it's flawless, really something/It's fearless”

This is making me emotional, I'll be honest. I see so much of my friends and my experience in high school in this song. 

This quote I found on genius is from when the album was released on BMR’s website.

“When I wrote ‘Fearless,’ I wasn’t dating anyone. I wasn’t even in the beginning stages of dating anybody. I really was all by myself out on tour and I got this idea for a song about the best first date. I think sometimes when you’re writing love songs, you don’t write them about what you’re going through at the moment, you write about what you wish you had. So, this song is about the best first date I haven’t had yet.”

This just screams baby Tay writing gay folklore to me, about the gay stories she wish she had. Notice how there are no pronouns in this song??? Fruity I’m telling you.

All that to say. I’m crying because the linear note says “I loved you before I met you” and I want to go listen to Long Story Short and cry now.

2. Fifteen 1/10

Objectively pretty straight as she’s singing about her and Abigail’s dating boys in HS. And Taylor got with a senior guy. Good for her I suppose.

Unless he was one of the shitty ones in which case.

“This is life before you know who you're gonna be”

This however, is a cute line and the whole song makes me warm and nostalgic. You can also hear her crying after the line “and Abigail gave everything she had to a boy who changed his mind” which makes me emo and I’m sure will take on new depth after Abigail’s divorce and hurt me even more.

Other highlights that make me sob include.

“When all you wanted was to be wanted/Wish you could go back and tell yourself what you know now/Back then I swore I was gonna marry him someday/But I realized some bigger dreams of mine”

Bigger dreams of hers indeed :’)

(Also how can you say she’s a gold star lesbian when this song exists. She was obviously dating boys in high school and even if you think she’s a lesbian. Comp het is a hell of a drug kids.)

3. Love Story 8/10

Tried to change the ending indeed.

This is THE Taylor Swift song, and maybe it’s the nostalgia talking but damn I still love it. Written because she wanted to change the ending of Romeo and Juliet (how anyone likes RandJ enough to want to rewrite I have no clue.) and/or because her parents didn’t approve of a guy she was seeing. (according to genius, it would’ve been too early for Joe J so it could possibly be Boys Like Girls frontman, his image did clash with hers and they did release some cute songs together. However if you want my take it’s probably folklore about Emily, take for what you will)

This song has very oft gay vibes with the ‘They don’t approve of our love angle!’ but uses male pronouns so points redacted for that. HOWEVER this is a very early use of ~the male perspective~ in Taylor’s songs and for that it deserves all the love.

“ So I sneak out to the garden to see you/We keep quiet, 'cause we're dead if they knew/So close your eyes/Escape this town for a little while”

More rural town angst!!!

Nothing gets me more than rural town angst.

“Romeo, save me, they're trying to tell me how to feel/This love is difficult, but it's real”

Originally the lyric was “this love is different”. Granted I do not remember the source, i’s just lore implanted into my brain, but make of that what you will.

“"Marry me, Juliet, you'll never have to be alone/I love you, and that's all I really know/I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress/It's a love story, baby, just say "Yes"”

Marry me Juliet from the male perspective :)

Also worth noting. This is Karlie’s (and Kim K’s lmao) favorite Taylor song which. While basic as hell. Makes this cover sad as hell to this former Kaylor. (thanks @swiftgron-get-married for the tears <3)

Also not to make this about a man AGAIN but the secret message is “Some day I’ll find this” AND SHE DID IM CRYING.

4. Hey Stephen 1/10

The one thing Camilla Cabello and I have in common is loving this song, so I have to live with that for the rest of my life.

This song is very painfully straight.

How can you think this woman is a gold star lesbian.

The only noteworthy thing is that this is one of the few songs she confirms who it’s about. The secret message is “Love and Theft” which is the name of a country music duo who went on to open her Fearless tour. Which, does make me side eye this song a little bit.

Still a cute song.

“Hey Stephen, boy, you might have me believing/I don't always have to be alone”

5. White Horse 1/10

Oh look. It’s track five. 

You know maybe this is just me being a bitch but in my ranking of track fives this is. Pretty low. Maybe on the bottom.

Like I don’t have a lot to say about it. 

She’s going through it over a guy. He was a cheating dickweazel. 

“'Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale/I'm gonna find someone someday/Who might actually treat me well”

“Try and catch me now, oh/It's too late/To catch me now”

These lines hit though!!

And she found Joe!! Who treats her well!!!! And she isn’t the princess, she’s the prince who dropped her sword and knocked on her door!!! But this time if they come for them she’s ready!!!

Yes I will make every song about Long Story Short <3

6. You Belong With Me 5/10

Ah yes. The other THE Taylor Swift song.

You know. If I went to a high school with a cheerleading squad. And I had a crush on a cheerleader. I would blast this song. So for that it gets a 5/10. Otherwise. Fairly straight and fairly iconic.

7. Breathe 8/10

Well. We know this one is about a woman. (Emily Poe for those not in the know. Ha. A rhyme!) That alone has an 8/10. And it’s the first time she has a featured artist so bonus points for that!

It was nominated for a Grammy and it fucking lost to Jason Mraz. When’s the last time you thought about Jason Mraz.

I will not have Kaylor feels on a fucking Fearless song but damn is it VERY easy.

“Never a clean break, no one here to save me/You're the only thing I know like the back of my hand”

“It's 2 A.M, feeling like I just lost a friend/Hope you know it's not easy, easy for me”

Also this bridge? Goes off. HIGHLY underrated. 

8. Tell Me Why 3/10

You know. Maybe this album isn’t as gay as I once thought.

This song does bop though, not as good as her other angry songs on this album. But I can vibe with this you know. Why are you being an asshole mysterious man.

“You could write a book on how to ruin someone's perfect day”

This has to be one of baby Tay’s best burns. Damn. 

“Why do you have to make me feel small/So you can feel whole inside?/Why do you have to put down my dreams/So you're the only thing on my mind?”

Men ain’t shit kids. However, bonus points for the shade. 

9. You’re not Sorry 1/10

Ok, ok. Maybe this was a foolish endeavor.

Because yet again we have a very straight song. A good song. That was on Taylor’s episode of CSI. But oh dear. Very straight. Gets a measly one point. We started this post off so very very gay but damn. We seem to be nearing the end on a very straight note.

10. The Way I Loved You 20/10

Hey Remember what I said about this album being very straight.

WELL THAT WAS A LIE.

Is this a comphet album or am I projecting.

This is one of my favorite baby gay Taylor songs. Her masterful use of pronouns (he is sensible! And so incredible! And all my single friends are jealous! But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain, when it was two am and I was cursing your name!) makes the other person she’s singing about completely vague, while we know she isn’t happy with whichever guy she’s dating.

Mayhaps an early reaction to PRomances?

Either way this song is so good, truly an underrated gay gem I mean. Look at it.

“Breaking down and coming undone/It's a roller coaster kind of rush/And I never knew I could feel that much/And that's the way I loved you”

AND THE BRIDGE. Do all of her gay songs just have kickass bridges?

“He can't see the smile I'm faking/And my heart's not breaking/'Cause I'm not feeling anything at all/And you were wild and crazy/Just so frustrating/Intoxicating, complicated/Got away by some mistake and now…”

Damn. I’m imaging this with 2020 vocals and fucking ascending.

Also please watch the live performance of it from the Fearless tour. It’s such a damn shame this got cut from the movie and some woman in the front row is wearing a cowboy hat. Everyone is holding up those cameras everyone had to have before smartphones. Taylor is being endearing. It’s a good time.

11. Forever and Always 6/10

Bonus points for the ~drama~ of it all. Added last minute to the album? The iconic throwing of the chair in live performances?? All of it very dramatique and for that we stan.

Still pretty straight.

Also Joe Jonas responded to the song and why do I find his response so damn funny. “It’s part of being a musician, I guess. You write songs about each other.”

This is another song where the idea of Taylor’s grown up vocals on this is………..whew

12. The Best Day 0/10

This gets zero points because it’s about her literal mom.

Still makes me cry.

God bless Andrea Swift indeed

13. Change 13/10

We start the official tracklist with a gay song. We end it with a gay song.

We will ignore that it was originally written for Scott and BMR and instead induct it into the hall of gay pride anthems, as it should be. 

“We're getting stronger now, finding things they never found/They might be bigger but we're faster and never scared/You can walk away, say we don't need this/But there's something in your eyes says we can beat this”

“This revolution, the time will come/For us to finally win/And we'll sing hallelujah, we'll sing hallelujah”

The music video is cringe though lol

14. Jump then Fall 10/10

This song is gay because I choose it to be. <3

Like. Picture baby Taylor writing this song and playing it on her guitar to a girl she has a crush on telling her that she’ll protect her and they’ll be safe and in love and happy together. Gah, maybe I’m ~projecting~ but this sweet ass song always gets me and is EASILY in my top five Taylor songs. Super underrated and hecking cute. 

“We're on the phone and without a warning/I realize your laugh is the best sound/I have ever heard”

Like. Look at this shit.

“I watch you talk, you didn't notice/I hear the words but all I can think is/We should be together”

Tell me this is about the first time you get a crush on a girl and she’s your best friend and she’s amazing and beautiful and you realize you kinda want to kiss her and you hope she wants to kiss you too.

“I had time to think it oh, over/And all I can say is come closer/Take a deep breath and jump then fall into me”

And she’s the Romeo who's going to protect her!!!!! She’s the knight in shining armor in this song and I love that for her??

“The bottom's gonna drop out from under our feet/I'll catch you, I'll catch you/When people say things that bring you to your knees/I'll catch you/The time is gonna come when you're so mad you could cry/But I'll hold you through the night until you smile”

I won’t divulge into full on analysis here because. This is what this post is about but PLEASE listen to this song more. It’s such a gay little gem.

15. Untouchable 9/10

How does she make a cover sound gay.

It sounds so gay.

“You got to come on, come on, say that we'll be together/Come on, come on, little taste of heaven”

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay

16. Forever and Always Piano Version 1/10

This song gets 1/10 because I don’t like it. There. I said it.

17. Come in With the Rain 3/10

I can see why this is a bonus track. It doesn’t hit me as much as the other songs on the album.

But damn if I don’t want to scream sing this one driving down a high way.

18. Superstar 7/10

You can’t tell me this song is about a man. I simply won’t entertain the idea.

You cannot prove to me that this song is about a man. There is not a male pronoun in sight. 

>:)

19. The Other Side of the Door 6/10

Is this song about having a fight about being in the closet? Probably not. Will my gay little brain make it about that? Yep!

And that, funky little queer pals, is my gay rating of every Fearless song. Like and subscribe, #t3atmidnight

#long post // #fearless the album #gaylor #what do i tag this for it to show up for peope?? #gay rating

[theonlygamergost]

My enemy, ally and friend

Technoblade deeply misses Wilbur and Phil, to a point where he thinks their friendship and the SleepyBoisInc was based on a lie, fortunately, he now has by his side an enemy, now teammate, and most definitely a new friend. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Reviewed by the amazing @im-default

Enjoy~

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sometimes it was hard recollecting your thoughts, maybe it was the sleepiness, maybe it was the quantity of thoughts, either way, sometimes the only thing Techno could do to stop the storm inside his head was to sit down on the edge of a cliff and watch the world silently.

It was still, yet bursting with life… it was silent, yet full of all kinds of sounds.

Techno took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a few seconds: he had found a monster he could not slay with a sword and shield… neither with arrows and potions.

The thought of abandonment was something brute force couldn’t defeat.

Let’s address the elephant in the room, shall we?

Since Techno had been split apart from the SleepyBoisInc in Minecraft Championship, Techno could not shake off the feeling of getting abandoned… no… left out?.. no… he felt like an immovable burden was lifting off of Wilbur’s and Phil’s shoulders… and that burden… was him.

He had begged them to always team together because he was uncomfortable teaming up with unknown players… yes, they agreed but…

What if they were doing it only to please him? What if they didn’t care about him?

What if they were happy he couldn’t team with them anymore?

A shiver went down Techno’s spine, he didn’t think that was true… wasn’t it?

He sighed and took his head between his hands, shaking lightly.

There was no way that was right… They were the SleepyBois! Three great friends that always had each others backs… right?

Techno had recently gotten out of the potato war, meaning that he didn’t have a lot of time to talk to them, they supported him, listening to his rambles for hours… But what if Tommy was a better friend than him?

Tommy was energetic and played way more with Phil and Wilbur than Techno ever did.

What if?.. no… there’s no way…

…

But what if?

Techno looked at the valley underneath him, the Minecraft Champions server wasn’t the most aesthetically pleasing one, but it served its purpose: It helped Youtubers and Streamers alike to practice for the next competitions, Techno didn’t spend a lot of time in here, but when he did it was always pretty full, allowing players to get in a discord call and talk without the eyes of viewers and fans on them.

DIstracting himself from his thoughts by looking around was working quite well… but he couldn’t ignore it anymore…

What if Tommy was slowly taking his place in the SleepyBoisInc?

A shiver went down his spine. He desperately hoped he was wrong…

But this feeling was more real than he liked to admit.

Oh so many times he had seen the three of them in a call, oh so many times he had seen them playing till morning together…

“Lost in thoughts, Technoblade?”

He snapped his head in the direction of the unexpected voice. He wasn’t expecting to see the blonde boy with the green hoodie to be honest, but they didn’t have to pretend to be enemies anymore, he didn’t have to be alarmed of his presence anymore…  so he relaxed the shoulders he didn’t know he tensed up.

“Yeah… something like that…”

It was a reflect of his to always place a hand on his sword when he heard movements behind him, so he moved it back to his lap, spine curved and head looking down.

“Chin up king, your crown is falling”

Dream quickly caught Techno’s crown which was slowly threatening to slip off the head it was placed on.

Techno couldn’t help but flinch at that comment… they always said that to him… Phil and Wilbur always said those words to cheer him up when he wasn’t feeling too well or his anxiety had taken over… Wilbur and Phil…

Dream noticed how sad Techno looked, and how trapped in his own mind he was, it was a common recurrence lately, but Dream had never had the guts to ask him since Techno could be… aggressive and over-protective without realizing it, and Dream was scared to bother him, so he never asked.

But it’s now or never, right?

“What’s going on Techno? You look lost”

In a way, you aren’t wrong, he thought, but said nothing, fidgeting with the soft fur of his cape.

The blonde boy stiffly sat down next to him, admiring the view as well, legs dangling off the cliff.

“Look Techno,” the crowned pig turned his head so he could see the green hoodie, but not his face, “I-I know we haven’t talked much… and we were… quote on quote rivals ‘till recently… but if anything is on your mind, a-anything at all… I’ll be here to listen”

Dream was stuttering more in his brain than he actually was, talking to Techno as a friend was something he never imagined and it took him time to get used to it… but he cared for Techno… even if they had the same age, to him, Techno knew way more and he looked up at him like some sort of… idol… even if he had more subscribers than him.

The pig-skinned man still wasn’t looking at him, Dream felt like he messed up, like he wasn’t supposed to be there, so they sat in silence next to each other, one freaking out, the other debating with himself.

Did Dream need to know about his theory of the Sbi? Did he need to know that he missed them dearly and was scared to confront them, even if it was just a casual greet?

No… he didn’t need to… he thought to himself, but Phil always told him that keeping his thoughts to himself wasn’t going to make a difference so…

“Are you sad that the Dream team got split up in Mcc?”

Dream was so surprised to hear Techno’s voice he jumped, he was even more surprised that the question was addressed to him.

“Uh… uhm… well… y-yeah? I guess I’m kinda sad that I c-can’t play with th-them? They are my best friends after a-all… “

Dream was taken off guard and his stuttering was inevitable.

He never stuttered when they were live or recording since Dream told himself that Techno was talking to him to make content and entertain, so he was able to act cocky in front of him since he was “better than Technoblade”... he knew that statement wasn’t wrong, but if Techno would set his mind to it, he could easily surpass him.

“Well… I’m… very sad I can’t play with Phil and Will but… “

Was he ready to expose himself? Was he ready to get judged by Dream? No… not really… Techno was one to keep his burdens all to himself, placing a smile as a curtain to avoid everyone seeing what was hiding inside.

Wilbur and Phil could see straight through his act and they would annoy him until he let out everything… but they weren’t there right now, they weren’t there for him… but Dream was.

“I honestly miss them very much… I know I was the first one to find myself a team without them... yet… something is bothering me-”

“You’re afraid to get replaced?”

Techno’s eyes widened as he turned to face the blonde boy with a white mask, in complete shock.

“H-how did you..?”

Dream smirked, collecting his legs and squeezing them into his chest.

“I was afraid of that too… Have you ever watched a manhunt video with BadBoyHalo in it?”

Techno nodded, imitating Dream by bringing his right leg to his chest.

“The synergy between George Sapnap and BBH is amazing, Bad is an amazing leader and while I was being silent not to give myself away… They laughed, joked and had tons of fun together… and as much as I tried to join in… They even ignored me from time to time… hell, they even called themself the “Three Muffinteers”... I honestly was scared they were replacing me with Bad…”

Techno looked at the server in front of them, the players looked like ants from where he was standing.

“And what did you do?”

Dream looked at Techno and sighed, his stuttering went away in a heartbeat, Techno was vulnerable. He was asking him help, Dream, his enemy, from the eyes of the fanbase… Dream had a hard time not to freak out like a fanboy, but this was serious, Techno was serious, and so was going to be his attempt to help him.

“Nothing, I was actually very sad for the entire night…”

Techno looked down, already hopeless.

“But the next day, as I joined a call, George and Sapnap were there, happy to hear from me… acting like the day before never happened.”

Techno tilted his head in confusion, Dream took a deep breath and turned to face him, “Look Techno, they can’t replace you, everyone is their own person, with their own personality, quality and flaws, even if it looks like Tommy is taking your place, he can’t replace you because he isn’t you!”

Techno was astonished by Dream’s words, he had recently watched a couple of his videos to understand what type of players he was and all he had seen was a confident, solitary player who thought almost always two steps ahead and never went in without a plan. Realizing these kind words were coming from him, they definitely made him look more human… same with himself showing Dream this insecurity of his, made him look human too.

“C’mere Techno, you look like you need a hug”

Techno was pulled in an embrace he didn’t expect nor want, his whole body was stiff because of the unwanted human touch, but he wasn’t a robot, he wasn’t perfect, and as he looked at the green of Dream’s hoodie and the blonde of his hair, the memories poured in.

Phil…

He couldn't hold in the sobs at this point and broke down.

Dream imagined how hard for his pride this had to be, crying on a shoulder of someone he barely knew, he just remained silent, trying his hardest not to move to break this moment.

~~~~~

After the hiccups calmed down, Techno’s weight shifted and Dream took it as a sign to let him go, his eyes were red from the tears and his cheeks were still full of tears, so was Dream shoulder.

“S-sorry about that…”

Techno apologized while looking at the wet spots on the other man’s hoodie, turning away from him to blow his nose.

“Don’t worry, we all need to cry sometimes, I’m happy I was able to help you… as a teammate… and a friend”

Dream cringed instantly, thinking he pushed his luck too far by calling him friend, but Techno just smiled at the comment, wiping the remaining tears away with his sleeve.

“I might not be Wilbur or Philza but… if you ever need anything, please don’t hesitate to ask, I promise i won’t judge”

Techno was looking beneath him, he smiled again before he placed a hand on Dream’s shoulder to help himself get up.

“Thank you, I'll’ keep that in mind... Now, I’m kinda hungry, I know a place that makes good burgers, want to go get something to eat? it’s on me” he extended his arm to Dream, pointing at it with his eyes.

It was Dream’s turn to smile, he took Techno’s hand to help him get up, “I can’t refuse, can I? Well then, lead the way” he gestured Techno to go first, when he started walking, Dream following right after.

“Want to 1v1 later? I could teach you some tricks about 1.9 combat if you’d like”

“What a nerd, always thinking about practicing… sure, why not? But don’t complain if you get destroyed, I’m better than you think I am”

They both laughed, hands in pockets and diamond sword strapped on their back.

Maybe opening up to him wasn’t such a bad idea.

#I CRIED WHILE WRITING THIS #WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF #technoblade #dreamwastaken #fanfiction #my fanfiction #writing #my writing #ph1lza #wilbur soot #tommyinnit #sleepyboisinc #sbi #mcyt fanfiction

[hpfannons]

Oh la la! Thats a fine choice of specimen. Thank you. :) lol. I only ask about the jealousy thing because I remember that Dick said one time that they only get to see him 2 months a year or something... I probably meant the batfam side i guess... lol but its good most Harry’s friend are okay or just roll with it... maybe I should asked some batfam moments during their stay in order hq... I really love that scene where Harry was on Dick’s lap and and the rest are just with them... I kinda want a scene with the same feeling...if you dont mind. xD thank you very much! glad to hear ur answer about fudge and umbridge. thank you so much... im really immersed in this au... looking forward to part 7. >_< thanks and stay safe y’all.

Glad you like my batfam! My best friend and I spent way too long going back and forth on people we could agree on for different characters (I think Tim and Alfred were the hardest… but it was years ago, so don’t quote me on that lol)

Sorry about the jealousy thing though, miscommunication on my part. I blame that for answering at 3 am on my phone XD

Yes, there is a lot of buried jealousy with the Batfam. Though surprisingly, most of it comes from Harry. That’s mostly because all these new family members come in while he’s at school, so it kind of feels like they’re all much more close knit with each other than with him because he’s not there for the large portion of the year.

They’re all happy to include him and catch him up with things he missed while he was at school… But there are some things you just have to be there in the moment for, because retelling the story just isn’t quite the same.

That’s not to say that the rest of the Batfam don’t have the same feelings as well, I think I’ve mentioned before that Tim and Harry especially are very close (actually best friends, on the same level as Harry and Ron) so Tim is definitely one of those people who feels Harry’s lost during the year the most.

Add on the fact it’s not really that easy to keep in touch with him while he’s at school, and it really is just hard on everyone.

As a side note, I fully believe the family would find some kind of way to make alterations to a communicator that will work at Hogwarts. Considering how many people who both use magic and have been involved with the Justice League in some way or the other, I find it hard to believe they haven’t found a work around for the whole magic screws with tech problem. At the very least, Harry would have a way to check his email from family, b/c making Headwig carry letters from Scotland to New Jersey and back is just cruel.

As far as the Batfam hanging out around 12 Grimmauld Place… They’re trying to be as non-confrontational as possible, even if there’s still some ruffled feathers from the first night. So the boys mostly go along with helping clean out the place under Molly’s orders - Jason was originally kind of prickly about it because he’s not a child (certainly not her child), so he found getting ordered around kind of insulting… Until his inner clean freak won out and yeah, this place does need a lot of work. Alfred has taught them all well, and it shows.

Tim mostly hauls himself up in the library when he can get away from clearing out pixies and de-gnoming the garden. He’s got like four notebooks full of information and Ron is a little shocked to find out Harry wasn’t kidding when he said Tim was worse than Percy and Hermione together when it came to information gathering.

Damian has less than stellar people skills at the best of times, and here he’s decided he doesn’t care very much for anybody over the age of seventeen (that’s not family anyway), so most of Dick’s time has been dedicated to keeping the youngest away from most of the Order. Not that he really blames him, Dick isn’t nearly as vocal about it as Damian, but he is also just completely done with all of them. He’s only playing nice because they’re here for Harry.

Bruce has also posted himself up in the library, reading everything he can get ahold of in regards to the history of the wizarding world trying to understand exactly what he’s son has gotten wrapped up in. Because lord knows nobody in this house is going to explain it to him… At this point he’s about one wrong comment away from telling them exactly where they can shove their ‘muggle’ excuses.

There was one notable evening though, when the boys as well as the Weasleys and Hermione were just hanging out in a parlor or sitting room or whatever it was supposed to be. Jason had been messing around with an old radio he found the other day and between him and Tim, they managed to get it working. The minute they recognized Britney Spears’s voice, there were four sets of eyes immediately on Dick who gave all of twenty seconds of resistance before he was up and dragging people along to dance with him. The impromptu party had ended up going on for hours, Tonks getting roped into the fun with them while Sirius and Remus smiled fondly from the doorway. Molly made a passing comment about bedtime, but didn’t argue back when that was quickly shot down by the other adults. Let the kids be kids while they could.

As far as soft moment’s for the Batfam… there are two that really come to mind, though they’re kind of sad though.

The first is really kind of short, but it’s after the battle of Hogwarts, and Harry’s come back from his final fight with Voldemort, and there’s just people everywhere in the great hall, but Harry knows exactly where he’s going. Bruce is standing to the side, watching while Jason’s getting patched up, and trying to keep an eye on his other kids as well. Everyone's a little banged up and bruised, but they’re all alive, and that’s the important part right now.

And then he sees Harry and there’s this almost tangible sense of relief because now all of his kids are present and accounted for, and Bruce feels like he can finally breathe again. And Harry just like collapses into Bruce who has to scramble a little bit to catch him, but then just stands there and holds him, because Harry is just completely exhausted mentally, physically, and emotionally. And all Bruce hears is “I want to go home Dad.”, and honest to god Batman almost starts crying in the middle of the great hall in front of everyone.

The other is after the Triwizard Tournament, and everything with Mad-Eye Crouch, when Harry’s in the hospital wing. Everyone’s standing around trying to figure out what the hell just happened, and Harry wakes up still kind of groggy from whatever Madam Pomfrey gave him to knock him out, and he ends up breaking down crying in front of everyone.

Dick doesn’t even hesitate, he’s on Harry before the first tear even really starts rolling and just tucks him into the crook of his neck and let’s him cry it out. Except Harry’s been traumatized and he’s like full-on sobbing, almost wailing, and that just stabs everyone straight through the heart. Tim’s next, doesn’t say anything, just sits down behind Harry and tucks himself up against his brother’s back. Damian and Jason join in as well, Damian sitting on Harry’s other side and just quietly putting his head on Harry’s shoulder; while Jason sit’s down a little farther away, reaching out to put a hand on the back of Harry’s neck. Bruce is standing on the other side of the bed, and just runs a hand through Harry’s hair while they let him get it out and calm down.

And once he’s down to hiccups and kind of stuttery breaths, Dumbledore says something about leaving him be, and if looks could kill… Jason’s still armed, and he almost, almost goes for the gun. Bruce head’s it off at the pass though, saying he’ll go with them to discuss things further and also inform the league about what’s happened, but the rest of the boys will be staying.

Madam Pomfry insists on dosing Harry again, and after some reassurances that his brother’s aren't going anywhere, they get him to drink the potion. That’s as far as they indulge the mediwitch though. Tim and Damian both try to settle down in the bed on either side of their brother, though after some jostling around and being unable to really fit two teenagers and a ten year old comfortably in a hospital cot; Dick and Jason move another bed over flush against Harry’s and Dick manages to coax Damian into it with him, as long as the younger is able to keep hold of Harry’s arm. Jason retakes the seat he’d pulled up to the bedside, kick’s his feet up on the cot and settles in to keep watch over the lot of them for the night. And that is exactly where and how Bruce finds them the next morning.

#harry potter and the batfam #batfam anon #harry potter #batman #batfam #Anonymous

[sweet-sixteen-kraang-birthday]

Haha I guess that was mine? Dw I've done that before too 😅 I suggested marcel and klaus as a relationship dynamic you could ramble about? I've got super into the originals lately and you have good thoughts about that show!

Thank you for sending it again! AND OH YES KLARCEL

I love them a lot. I wasn’t interested much at first tbh—just didn’t like Marcel, which is so crazy now, to think about it.... because I fricking LOVE him. Why I ever didn’t before is a mystery.

When I think of them, I think of THAT SCENE in 1x11

Marcel so angry and crying and it looks like their going to fight BUT KLAUS JUST HUGS HIM. It was such a surprise and the exact moment that I fell in love them. I have so many feelings about that Scene. 

Klaus determined, fierce face as he pulls Marcel it. HOW HE HOLDS HIS HEAD. and then, and then his VOICE. “im sorry. you may think i know nothing of your grief but you’re wrong.”

MARCEL ANGRY BUT THEN WHEN KLAUS HUGS HIM how he holds Klaus’ shoulder and just. cries. FUDGE

THE HAND CLASPING NECK. KLAUS LEANING SO CLOSE TO HIM. MARCEL LOOKING DOWN.

“in the days that i have fled this city i thought you were dead” “it was years before i could speak your name so keenly did i feel that loss” FUDGE

MARCELS FACE HERE 

fudgefudgefUDGE

HUG AGAIN THIS TIME WITH MARCEL CLINGING TO HIM. KLAUS SAYING “im sorry. im sorry”

FUDGGE WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH THIS?? Cry, that’s what. CRY. 

It’s just a good scene, i love it so much. It really shows the soft and love parts in the relationship as to the all the fighting that happen AND HOW MARCEL CLINGS TO HIM WHILE HE CRIES SO DISTRAUGT FROM DAVINA’S DEATH AND KLAUS JUST. HOLDS HIM. SAYING “im sorry. im sorry” 

“it was years before i could speak your name so keenly did i feel that loss”  THIS IMAGE. 

it’s even MORE sadder when you think about how Marcel was the one brought Mikael to their city (alongside rebekah) and just. Klaus “SO KEENLY DID I FEEL THAT LOSS” sorry but i CANT. 

i watched their reunion back in the backdoor pilot scene WHEN I REALISED THAT THERES ONE. and it was....dissappionting but i guess it made sense. Tense and unclear but when they go for that hug when they smile - you could that moment when it turns into clear happiness.  klaus seeing him on the stage signing THRIVING after he thought he was dead... after he came to the fact that he was dead and could finally say his name---

holy heck. it’s A Lot. and, and then. Theres that moment where sohpie “please” and the harvest girls don’t wake up and Marcel realises that Davina is not coming back THAT LOOK THAT PASSES BETWEEN THEM before marcel wooshes away

Klaus goes after him. oh FUDGE. im watching this scene on repeat btw and im SUFFERING its so GOOD the music and everything. I need to watch the episode.Anyways, beside the point “we still have our community” 

“I DONT CARE ABOUT THE VAMPIRES SHE IS DEAD DO YOU HEAR ME”

“you may think i know nothing of your grief but you’re wrong.” KLAUS UNDERSTANDING HIS LOSS BECAUSE HE FELT THE SAME AS HIM RIGHT NOW AS THAT TIME WHEN HE THOUGHT THAT MARCEL DIED. 

*KILLED* BY HIS FATHER, WHO HE THOUGHT HE BROUGHT BACK TO THE CITY

ANDDD theres that moment where Klaus talks about how he was jealous of Marcel in s1. Klaus saying “want to rule as equals. togather” or something along those lines.   It was so honest and IM. just.  

WHAT ARE THEY DOING TO ME 

I thought that Marcel was playing when he says yes or like agrees with Klaus then but HE WASN’T. Back to Rebekah and him scene.... when she catches him. And we find that he geninuely wants to take Klaus’ offer. 

I don’t kind understand them---there’s so compilcated to pin down. Marcel says to davina to find something to kill a original. And I don’t know if he’d ACTUALLY kill Klaus. I want to say no, but really. It’s uncertain. I can see a world where Marcel kills Klaus. AND THEN there’s Klaus bitting Marcel in 1x22 or was it 1x20 AND I DONT KNOW IF THEY’D EVER BE ABLE TO KILL EACH OTHER  THE SHOW DOESNT MAKE THAT PART CLEAR AT ALL BUT I LOVE THAT TOO  they love each other. that much is so clear but oh there’s also so much hatered in them. And Jealously! And other complicated emotions. BUT THEY LOVE EACH AND THERES MOMENTS THAT SHOW THAT  i LIVE for those moments

AND THE FLASHBACKS klaus pausing and turning back. standing there and watching marcel as he gets hit. MARCEL NOT GOING DOWN WITH A FIGHT and Klaus stopping that whip and asking him his name. Marcel saying he doesnt have one (i have a Lot of Feelings about young!marcel.) klaus CROUCHING down to Marcel. the EYE CONTACT. “you’re a survior” his face isn’t showing emotions here, an observation i thought was intresting.  “and survious need name” Marcel blink-and-miss-it smile. i have FEEELINGS. 

“how about marcellous?”

“marcellous?” his confustion ; ; YOUNG MARCEL IS A BABY AND I LOVE HIM.

“it comes from mars. the god of war” klaus standing up and OFFERING HIS HAND “it means little warrior”

THEIR SMILES HERE.

Marcel looking back, uncertain, but taking Klaus’ hands AND SMILINNG

KLAUS SMILING BACK 

(also abdjsdsj Rebekah and Elijah’s faces in the backgroung. Lol.)

*breaks into more sobs* oh my god. these TWO 

also... i find so very intresting at how both Klaus and Marcel have both changed their names---it was Niklaus and Marcellous before. Idk the reason for Marcel’s. But. It’s interesting. I would love to explore the reasons as to WHY Marcel changed it. 

Maybe it was a bite at Klaus---how he’s living his life now, he’s not going to be in Klaus’ shadow anymore. Or something. Idk. but i really love the idea of Marcel shedding his all name as a ‘fudge you’ to Klaus for something. AND KLAUS CALLING HIM MARCELLOUS DESPITE IT but - eventually they make up and Marcel still keeps the name but Klaus starts to call him by that name.

I really love the flashbacks. Klaus’ jealously at Elijah and Marcel (who were so cute omg. im Sad about them) and how he goes to Kol “hes family” about Marcel and HOW he takes Marcel when elijah makes the decision to break off their relationship and Marcel is SAD over it. i mean. DID YOU SEE HIS FAMILY Klaus voice is so SOFT when he says to Marcel “come along” and how he puts that arm around him and Marcel follows him, stung and still confused by Elijah’s words

AND THEN THAT FLASHBACK where they HUG - i cant seem to find the video, and i have no idea as to what episode it was but. Marcel was back from the war and it was a HAPPY HUG. i MELTED.  I just hope that it really happened and my mind didnt make that up, lol. If it did, then. Just ignore it. 

more flashbacks scene:

klaus getting angry over Marcel’s decision to go the war and him being like “fight for FAMILY” or along those lines. And Klaus going to war AND BRINGING THOSE WOMAN AS A GIFT TO MARCEL. 

oh my gosh. klaus thats not how you. i was crackling. but - oh gosh. Klaus is so possesive of his family and wants them all to be with him, right beside him. any news about them leaving him - even if they’re going for a short time - 

THE BRIDGE SCENE. that s3 part where Marcel brings Klaus to the bridgebut wait before i get to that i NEED to talk about 3x20 it was PAINFUL

davina’s dead. marcel CRYING. that gleam of tears in his eyes.  “im not your family. not anymore’ AND KLAUS TRYING TO GO OVER AND GIVE HIM A HUG “marcel, come on” but this time Marcel DOESNT take it

his NO as he pushes Klaus away

this HURTS. i hate how they did davina’s death here. i mean. the scene was SO GOOD. Marcel’s ‘i love you--’ breaking off and freya and elijah just. but ehh. backtoback to cami’s death (which was STUPID and the worst decision ever)---it didn’t go. And i really don’t just like the how they placed davina’s death here. the ANGST is so good but everything else meh

anyways back to Klarcel. Klaus protest to Elijah suggestion or was it freya? of killing Davina. I love that lil detail. He knows how much she means to Marcel and Kol. 

I don’t honestly remember the arc where Klaus finds out about Marcel’s betrayal and how he called back his father ‘cept the Klebekah moments tbh. Theyre were like on FIRE that arc BUT THE THOUGHT OF KLAUS FINDING OUT THAT MARCEL BROUGHT HIM BACK

THEN THERES S1 scene. 1x20 i think. 

Klaus letting Marcel back in town for Father Kieran’s funeral. That Glance they share and Elijah saying “fix your past relationships” or something, i can’t quite remember. THAT SCENE BETWEEN THEM

i was screaming

“How did I fail you” HOW KLAUS SAYS IT. I love that Klaus gets to have such HONEST and RAW moments with Marcel 

and Marcel saying, “You didn’t” after Klaus turned around is awaking away. “you raised me”

THESE TWO. im CRYING. theyre just so so good. I love them so much. And season 1 was a goldmine for Klarcel. 

speaking of s1. I didn’t talk about Klaus and Marcel reuniting scene in 1x22. Marcel meant to use her as leverage--not really, he saved her because he doesn’t condone murder of babies and children!! his rule (why hayley is alive) and because shes his SISTER of course. Marcel slumped there amongst all his dead vamp guys. looking up to Klaus with hope in his arms (which meant he was staring down at hope that whole time before klaus got to him--which i have FEELINGS about. And Thoughts. Marcel & Hope. Oh gosh.  But this about Klarcel)

“i was too late” MARCEL someone give him a hug (pefferably Klaus)

I just realised that Marcel still has the bite here and is having hallucinations and stuff and just his FACE. oh my days. 

klaus voice as he here’s like “you saved my daughter so i would heal you and you’re friends.” its so SOFT and his smile. 

the way he says “here” FUDGE 

“this bite... all of this... i know it didn’t come from nowhere. it’s the last song of the note in a song that I started centuries ago” this QUOTE 

“when i brought your dad to town and for that, im sorry” theyre really coming for my life here

KLAUS CROACHING DOWN AND PLACING HIS HAND ON HIS SHOULDER. “no”

MARCEL CRYING AND LOOKING AWAY

KLAUS GIVING HIM HIS BLOOD. MARCE’S FACE AS HE DOES, OH GOSH. 

Marcel SMILE when Hope turns to him and giggles—this is such a sweet and cute moment between them. Hope in Klaus arms. Klaus being so SOFT with her. It’s a new beginning. I LOVE THIS REUNION SO MUCH.

And also, back on the quote on “the last note in a song I....” Marcel doesn’t know it but it was actually MIKAEL who was behind the attack and that Davina brought him back. Ahhh. What a LINE.

And also. I really loved Marcel and Klaus’ small moments in s1. Klaus manipulating and destroying Marcel’s whole work behind his back and Marcel not knowing. The part where they were talking about Thierry and his music. And many more that I am pretty sure exists but can’t remember.

“You hypocrite” about Marcel and Sophie and how THEY SHARE A LAUGH HERE. That whole moment was so good and funny. Klaus thinks that he’s distracting Marcel here but in fact it’s Marcel who’s distracting Klaus here—and then back with Davina and Elijah making their own deal and tricking Marcel. Not to mention Klaus telling Rebekah to seduce Marcel, as way to keep him occupied. this FAMILY. I love them so much. 

And oh Klaus giving his mother’s necklace to Marcel---the necklace that he hated because he found out that Esther was using it repress his wolf side, making him look weaker---oh fudge, the moment he says “you are the author of everything i am” that DELIVERING of the line

...oops getting off track here. Going back.

I find it so interesting that Klaus gave that Necklace to Marcel. And by Marcel words about it... he knew the history of it. I wonder about what lead to Klaus giving to Marcel and having Marcel to keep it for him (and the thought that KLAUS KEPT THE NECKLACE WITH HIM ALL THIS TIME DESPITE WHAT IT MEANT)

#asks #anomymous #thank you so much for sending this in! #the originals #klarcel #yuki rambles #'good thoughts about this show' youre SO SWEET thank you #but. #err #this is most me desparing over them #then actual Thoughts lol #this is a mess of words. i might not have made sense at all---it happens when i ramble #i got more to say! but i gotta stop here #thank you again for sending this in! #i love these two a lot and it was fun rambling about them

[hystericalweenie]

Just Another Day at the Office - The Sexperiment

George MacKay x Reader Series

Part Five: Make It or Break It

Masterlist

Summary: Y/f/n Y/l/n is doing better than ever; she’s finally in a relationship with the man she’s been constantly thinking about, she has some great friends, and she’s thriving at her dream job. Except, there’s one problem: being in a relationship with one of your coworkers can get really steamy, and can cause a lot of sexual frustration. Her new pitch idea may solve exactly that problem, but will George be okay with it?

a/n: I have absolutely no personal experience in magazine/journalism career, so the information in this fic will be provided with the knowledge I have conducted from research. With that being said, please don’t be mad if this is not accurate!!! **“The Sexperiment” is inspired by an actual Cosmopolitan article (here’s the link!) IM SO SORRY FOR BEING GONE SO LONG I’m here to finish this shit once and for all... I know it’s been a while, but I hold this series so close to my heart and I still have the same love for it as I did when I wrote my last chapter (I know it’s only been a few months but STILL) if you’re reading this, I just want to thank you for sticking around, you’re the best <3

Warnings: This is a slow burn fic, their relationship won’t happen in one night, so if you’re not into that, check out some of the beautifully written imagines that you can most likely find under the george mackay x reader tag. I might eventually write some of my own too :P At least one person’s saying “fuck” and there’s NSFW content..aka smut. You have been warned. Also angst :/ srry this is kinda short

I was in the worst possible situation I could have ever imagined: I had to choose between my dream job and my dream man.

Bree arrived home about twenty minutes later by herself. My bedroom door creaked open, signaling her arrival. She frowned at my appearance, which seemed to be mascara smudged all over my eyes and cheeks and swollen, bloodshot eyes.

She sat down beside me, pulling me into her. “Y/n, I am so, so, sorry.”

I let out a croaked sigh, “I-it’s fine, he was going t-to find out eventually.”

“I’m sure he’ll come around,” she rubbed my back soothingly. “I think he’s in love with you.”

“It doesn't matter if he’s in love or not!” I exclaimed, pulling out of her embrace, my emotions arising again. “He’ll never forgive me for this.”

Hot tears began to stream down my face and I felt my bottom lip tremble. Bree took it as a cue to leave me be, so she quietly exited to her own bedroom.

What the fuck was I going to do?

This job was the job I’d been looking for my entire life; it was the job I’d dreamed about working at. 

But, George... 

George was everything. There wasn’t a doubt in my mind that George would have ever fucked up the way I did. I wouldn’t ever have to question his loyalty, he’d proven to be trustworthy and honest. He treated me like a princess, a way I’d only ever been treated by my father. I wasn’t sure if I’d hurt more without him or without a job. He never failed to make me smile or laugh, and he’d ensure that I always felt safe. I wasn’t sure if I’d ever fall in love again, until I met him.

I could get a job anywhere, but there was only one George MacKay.

I had to delete the article.

I headed to the kitchen and made myself two cups of coffee before cracking my knuckles and getting to work. 

Dean, 

This is an emergency. If you don’t reply now or tomorrow, I’m going to be in deep, deep shit.

I didn't have time to wait for his response; I got right to work. 

What are people into nowadays, I thought to myself. Sex.

Ping. I clicked on my email.

Y/n,

What? 

Well, anything’s better than the fucking Sexperiment article. 

Dean,

I have to write a new article. George found out. BAD. Can’t release it, I have to fix this.

Also, would you say your penis size relates to your shoe size at all? It’s for the article.

Promise!

Well, I thought, here goes nothing. My fingers began typing immediately. The caffeine made my fingers shake slightly, but I was determined to write anything. I wasn’t sure how I was going to get George back, but I knew I had to. This was a start, at least. 

Ping.

Y/n,

Knew that was going to happen. I’ll help you out, but you owe me. Can we do this tomorrow though? It’s Friday night. Uhhh and to ur other question: I don’t think so. Not going to elaborate more than that. Hope that’s good enough.

I rolled my eyes.

Dean,

Fine. I’ll send you my drafts and you better respond as soon as you can.

I prayed to every possible higher power that this would work. I began conducting research, reading articles and articles about the relationship between the size of a man’s penis and the size of a man’s feet. I wrote down statistics, quotes, and scientific evidence–making sure to exclude any personal experience. I spent hours explaining the theory and science behind it and citing every single quote.

I wasn’t sure exactly what was going to happen, but I prayed that Connie wouldn’t be too pissed at me and George would hopefully see how genuinely sorry I was. I knew I’d fucked up, I got too caught up in trying to impress my boss that I practically sabotaged my own relationship in the process. I hadn’t received a single text message or call from him. I missed the way he smelt of sandalwood and vanilla, I missed entangling my fingers in his soft, sandy locks. I missed the way his skin felt against mine and his velvety voice when he called me “love”.

Tears ran down my cheeks once again as these memories lingered in my head. I stared at my computer screen, my eyelids drooping; I needed a break. I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep, so I decided that I was going to be entirely committed on staying up all night. Making a sandwich for myself, I sat and watched television for a moment, attempting to distract me from my obvious thoughts. And once I felt slightly more energized, I resumed reading articles, highlighting quotes, and writing. I continued this until Bree woke up, yawning as she swung her bedroom door open.

“Jesus, Y/n,” she observed, my figure at the kitchen table still hunched over, staring at my screen. “Were you up all night?”

“Yeah,” my voice was raspy from exhaustion. “There’s a pot of coffee waiting for you.”

She smiled softly, walking behind me and wrapping her arms around me. “All couples fight, you know.”

I sighed, “I don’t want to talk about this anymore; I need to get this article done.”

She raised her eyebrows. “You’re writing a new article?”

“Of course I am,” I defended, my eyes not leaving my screen. 

She poured herself a cup of the hot liquid.

“You love him.”

My eyes began to water and I fought to blink it away.

“Damn right I do,” I muttered to myself, though I was sure she heard me.

After finishing the draft of the article, I sent it over to Dean. Bree suggested that we go see our friends to distract me, but I wanted to stay home. I needed to write the final draft, and see George...both as soon as possible. Bree stayed around to make sure I’d be okay, watching television with me until Dean responded back with the edits. Once he finally did, I was rewriting the article and using his edits to perfect it. Once I’d finally finished it for Monday, I shut my laptop, grabbed my keys, and began driving to his house.

After parking, I climbed up the stairs until I reached his apartment door. I knocked a few times, nerves churning inside my stomach as I pondered all of the possible reactions he’d have. My biggest fear was that he’d never want to see me again. The door opened, revealing himself in a t-shirt and pajama pants, eyes puffy and bloodshot; I was sure my eyes looked the same.

 “I-” I began, letting out a sigh. “I rewrote the article.”

He raised his eyebrows.

“It’s still sex-themed, but it doesn’t have any connection or correlation to you,” I explained, my voice beginning to croak. “I can email it to you, if you’d like. You can read it, see if it’s okay first.”

He shook his head silently. It was apparent that he didn’t know what to say either.

“I know I fucked up,” my voice broke and my bottom lip trembled. “I shouldn’t have come up with an article like that, it was so fucking awful of me to embarrass you in front of your coworkers.”

Tears began to run down my face and I couldn't help but hiccup.

“P-please, George,” I whimpered.

His eyes began to well with tears of his own, and he pulled me into his arms. 

“I’m sorry for yelling at you outside of the restaurant,” he whispered, hugging me close to him.

“Oh, George,” I sobbed. “That was nothing; all you’ve done is treat me like gold, and I nearly exposed our fucking sex life to the world.”

He pulled away, cupping both of my cheeks with his palms, his blue orbs staring into mine, his eyelashes thick from wet tears and the whites of his eyes red.

“Please,” he begged, his voice cracking, “don’t lie, nor do something behind my back ever again.”

I pressed my hands against the backs of his, still holding my face in his palms. 

“Never again,” I confirmed, throwing my arms around him to feel the warm embrace I thought I’d never feel again. I could inhale his scent, hear his heartbeat through his chest, stare into his ocean blue orbs, and feel the soft sandy curls on his head.

He read the article, and though it made him slightly uncomfortable that I was writing about penises, he designed simple art that would make the article pop in the magazine. Then, we laid in his bed for hours, listening to each others heartbeats, listening to our breathing rhythms, staring into each others eyes as if we were silently communicating to one another. 

We decided to take a shower together, stripping each other of our clothes slowly and meaningfully. Once the hot water was running down our bare skin, we washed each other; shampooing each others hair slowly and washing our bodies tenderly, leaving kisses on wet shoulders and necks. Once we got out and dried off, we got back into his bed and maintained a spooning position, his bare torso against my bare back, as we dozed off to the warm, comforting feeling of our bare skin touching. 

Monday morning, I sat down at my desk and sent the new article to Connie, anxiety making me bite my nails as I waited for a response back. 

Ping.

Oh, no, I thought to myself.

Y/n,

Meet me in the conference room with Dean.

Connie

I sighed, exchanging looks with Dean–whom was reading the email over my shoulder–before we made our way to the conference room. She stood, her arms crossed, as we entered the room. I gulped, heart racing and sweat starting to form at my palms. The two of us sat ourselves, waiting for her to begin.

She joined us in a chair across from us, her elbows resting against the table.

“Well?” she began, her voice questioning. “What happened to the article?”

Dean looked at me, waiting for me to speak for myself. I braced myself before talking.

“The Sexperiment article wasn’t working for me, Connie,” I explained nervously, “I wasn’t having much luck writing it, and I wasn’t confident that it’d reach the magazine’s standards.”

I had to lie; I couldn’t tell her that the article nearly jeopardized my relationship. Dean sat next to me, silent.

She sighed, “I hope this one will reach the ‘magazine’s standards’, then,” she mimicked, before standing up and flattening her skirt. “I’ll publish the article, but this is a warning: do not change your article without contacting me first.”

And with that, we were dismissed, panic still swimming in our stomachs. Well, I thought, I chose George over my job; what else was I expecting?

#george mackay #george mackay x reader #George Mackay smut #1917 #1917 schofield #1917 cast #dean charles chapman #x reader fic #x reader

[pigstepmp3-moved]

the writers really did buck dirty in s01e02

its the post you’ve all been waiting for—my Aggravated Analysis Of Everything That Makes Me Mad about the Therapy Scene tm, now featuring some things that show just how emotionally and mentally fucked buck is. now, i know we All hate that scene with all of our hearts (buck deserves to have a Good experience w therapy for once, but thats just my opinion), but i wanna go into detail about what exactly makes me SEETHE about that scene, complete w gifs and screenshots so i can better explain myself. im putting it all under the cut bc its kind of A Lot, so click that “read more” if you wanna read my angry complaining

alright, lets set the scene (i know we’re all aware of the situation behind this scene, but i think its important to remind you all of it). season one episode two. bucks still very much a Huge horn dog. buck has also very recently suffered his First loss on the job and its taking a huge toll on him. i think what’s most important to talk about before we get to the therapy scene itself is the scene where abby’s watching him on the news with carla.

(not the greatest quality, but that doesnt matter). he very clearly looks uncomfortable just talking about what happened in such a Casual, No Pressure setting. he says, “i was just doing my job. i’m happy we were able to help the people we helped and i’m really sorry about those we couldn’t save.” he stutters a few times as he says it, looks and sounds very uneasy, which seems very out of character for him. he’s usually super confident and chill, but as he’s asked to talk about this (most likely) traumatic thing, he kinda clams up, yknow? theres also something in his voice that reminds me very heavily of the way My voice sounds when Im trying to force back tears, but that might just be The Way He Talks

another thing that he says that really stands out to me (i dont know if this is necessarily important to the topic at hand, but i wanna talk about it so whatever) is, “. . . um, i’m sure they’re just turned on by the uniform. you know, i don’t know if they would feel that way if they saw me out of it.” ignoring the more sexual connotations to what he’s saying there, let’s talk about what he most likely meant by that particular statement. he still sounds a little nervous as he says it and kind of avoids the reporters eyes. it sounds to me like this is a rare moment of buck’s insecurities being let loose. “i don’t know if they would feel that way if they saw me out of it.” this implies, i think, some insecurities about like.. every part of himself. it almost seems like, in this moment, he thinks his only redeeming quality is the uniform. which might actually be what he’s thinking right then, ‘cause he’s still trying to figure out how to cope with his first loss. i think theres some part of him, somewhere behind that overly confident persona, that has a lot more insecurities than he shows, but thats a conversation for another day.

now, let’s move on a little from that. what i think is very important and notable about that scene is some of the things abby says after watching buck on the news. first thing she says that stands out to me is, “i’ve been thinking i might want to call him to see how he is.” she’s worried about him. i think she’s probably been worried about him since the first time he was on the news, earlier that episode. and for good reasons, i think, because later on, she says, “. . . he needs help, you know? i mean, he’s got so much pain in his face. everybody’s treating him like a hero. he doesn’t feel like a hero. as far as he’s concerned, the guy that he was trying to save fell.” like, wow, just tear my heart out and stomp on it a bunch, why dont you? its such a wonderful and apt summary of what buck’s going through. to put it rather simply, he’s fucking distraught, and for good reasons. plus, that quote is one of the Big things that influenced my headcanon of buck having depression, and i could probably analyze every single scene bucks in in this episode that have added onto that head canon of mind bc there are at least a couple different things i could blather on about, but that’s some analysis for another post (if you’re interested in me talking about that tho, definitely feel free to let me know)

now, let’s move on a little further to the Dreaded Scene (i’d totally go into the scene that immediately follows the last one i talked about, where buck and abby are speaking on the phone, but i think i’ve emphasized my point of buck going through some shit in this episode to the point where that isn’t strictly necessary). for the rest of this post, i’m gonna kind of analyze every single little thing that buck does and says in the therapy scene bc pretty much all of it contributes to my burning hatred of that therapist.

like, yeah, no SHIT, honey!! as far as we, the audience, are concerned, this is the First time he’s EVER been to therapy. in my own personal experiences, my first time going to therapy was SO uncomfortable. and just looking at buck right here makes me feel uncomfortable, too—he’s fidgeting with his hands, looks to the side, looks down, looks up at her for a moment before looking away again. this boy looks nervous as hell, and for good reasons. he confirms that he is in fact uncomfortable, and then the therapist says, “well, that’s not unusual. you’ve been through a trauma. that’s why you’re here—to deal with those feelings.” remember that, because i’m not gonna go into the importance of that quote just yet.

the next thing buck says is, “uh, yeah, i’m, uh, i’m not really into feelings.” he kind of avoids looking at the therapist as he says this, though not as much as he did in that last gif. but his voice is like... uncharacteristically quiet as he says it.

more!! avoidance!! he keeps averting his eyes, looking anywhere that ISNT his therapist. and at the end of what he says here, he clenches his jaw a little. a nervous tick, maybe? i don’t know. as he talks here, though, his voice is, yet again, very quiet. he sounds just about broken right here, and it makes my heart ache so bad for him

after a brief break to check out what athena and michael are talking about, his therapist says, "i treat a lot of first responders—people who run toward danger—but maybe there's something you're running from as well? what is it about discussing your feelings that scares you?" the answer buck gives her? a very defensive, “i’m not scared.” if youre not scared, then why are you avoiding talking about your damn feelings like the fucking black plague? and when i say that he says it defensively, i mean, like, way too defensive to Not be suspicious

we don’t get to hear anymore about that particular question because next, we’re checking up on athena and michael again, and then we’re talking about something else. the therapist says, "you lost somebody. that's hard."

as he says this, he sounds fucking SAD. he sounds completely and utterly BROKEN. throughout this whole clip, he sounds entirely broken. the therapist asks if this was his first time. he responds with, "i mean, i've had calls where it was... too late, but, uh, but i've only been doing this not even six months. now, i... i just can't shake the feeling that this one didn't need to go down the way that it did." again, he sounds like he’s hurting really badly. this loss is really taking a huge toll on him and that is Very clear. she then asks him if he thinks there was something he could have differently. he doesnt respond, just looks up at her like this:

his eyes are a little red, and it looks like there are some tears in his eyes. like wow, you could murder me and it would hurt less than seeing buck like this

now, the next snippet is about where everything Starts Going To Shit (this is also the part where i start sobbing like a dumb baby, but thats neither here nor there). 

you see that shit right there?? if you listen hard enough, you can hear my heart breaking into a million pieces. from this point on, buck is CRYING. honest to god fucking CRYING. he looks like he’s hurting so badly, especially at the end of that gif, when he furrows his eyebrows. it looks kind of like he’s trying to keep himself from straight up Sobbing. i’m sure it seems almost like i’m dwelling on this for a little longer than necessary, but i think emphasizing how emotional he is in this part is very important to understand just how much the end of this scene makes me fucking SEETHE. this next little bit is where i start to transition from Sadness to absolute Rage

you see that? this is the start of my slow deterioration into madness. up until this point, everything about this therapy session was completely and entirely professional. but home girl decides, hey, yknow whats a good idea? waltzing my happy ass across the room, sitting down directly in front of my PATIENT, and resting my hand on said PATIENT’s arm. i dunno about you guys, but this seems terrible on so many levels that it isnt funny.

now, yknow what happens next? some classic avoidance from our boy. she calls him mr buckley, so he says, "it's, um... it's actually just buck." (after VERY AUDIBLY SNIFFLING by the way, but i digress). he then deflects even FURTHER by asking her if she friended him on facebook. 

“i thought you looked familiar,” he says. he’s no longer actively crying at this point, but there are most certainly still some tears in his eyes.

now, do you know what happens next, after a brief break to check up on athena and michael? the worst thing that could happen happens! i know it, you know it, little miss unprofessional sleeps with buck! and yknow what she says Immediately afterwards? “i can’t believe i just did that. i am so sorry.” like.... no! saying “sorry” doesnt change the fact that you TOOK ADVANTAGE of someone who is CLEARLY not in the right frame of mind to consent to something like that. yknow what he was doing the last time we saw him? crying. bc hes in a very vulnerable place in this episode. and yeah, sure, i guess you could make the argument that he was seducing her a little, but that doesnt change the fact that this is fucked up. now, side note about me, i’m only in high school and i’ve never had any job before, so i dont quite know the ins and outs of the professional world. but i do know a thing or two about common sense, so its pretty easy for me to assume that shit like this is awful on like a million different levels. i think the power imbalance is super clear to anyone who has any number of brain cells.

now, buck being as emotionally stunted as he is, says that she made him feel better (probably just for a few minutes, but thats neither here nor there). and yknow what she says? “you should go.” remember that quote from earlier? the one that i said was important and that i was going to go into later? “well, that’s not unusual. you’ve been through a trauma. that’s why you’re here—to deal with those feelings.” yknow what buck Didnt do? deal with those feelings. he talked about his feelings for maybe ten minutes, and that’s assuming that, during the cuts to athena and michael, the session was continuing and that it wasnt a matter of like, oh, this stuff is happening At The Same Time.

and all that is just During the session. we dont ever see the aftermath of it, we dont ever see buck talking about that session or anything along those lines. and we most certainly dont see him trying to go talk to a different therapist. the rest of what im going to be talking about this post is purely speculation, but i think its highly probable that this could all be canon. like i just mentioned, as far as we know, buck hasnt gone to another therapist after that shit show. additionally, we can also assume that buck really hasnt talked to like....... anyone about the shit he’s gone through, both past shit and shit that was brought up from this first loss of his. so as far as we’re concerned, he’s never properly worked through it all. he’s also probably never gotten any proper coping mechanisms to deal with any further losses. it seems a little too morbid to think that bucks just gotten used to the feeling that comes with losing someone, so i think its pretty safe to assume that, after every single loss he suffers, he gets like..... super fucked up, purely because he never talked about (a), the reason why hes scared to talk about feelings, or (b), how to deal with said feelings, especially when they’re bad. and thats not fair to him!! that loss clearly took a huge toll on buck, Most of the description of that episode is talking about the roller coaster and bucks feelings, but he never got to heal from it. if buck doesnt get something akin to a redemption arc, where he gets to see a therapist to properly work through all of his issues, i’m going to riot

anyway. thats all i have to say on the matter. i’ve been working on this for most of the day because i have so many thoughts and feelings about the way buck was treated during this episode. i will die mad about it. but i think i’ve said pretty much all i have to say on the topic now, so i hope my frustrated rambling was interesting or whatever to read. so, thanks for reading! ♥

#evan buckley #buck buckley #911 fox #911 on fox #lemme know if there are any errors or anything? im not proof reading this bc im much too lazy and bc i just wanna post this shit already #kendall blabbers #(maybe i should make a tag eventually just for ranting like this. i dunno. we'll see)

[deeeelightfuldee]

surveys by taco-tuesdays

What are some foods from your childhood that you miss? to be entirely honest, the only thing that comes to mind that i miss are those creme savers that are pink and white. I would do unspeakable acts to get my paws on those again

Which app on your phone do you use the most? google docs, messages, snapchat, insta, games, spotify When was the last time you cried? Why? Today. Z lost an immediate family member to covid and it breaks my heart. I hate seeing him so hurt, I also feel strange that I’ve just been down this road and how differently it is handled between the two. sad sad sad.

Do you know of anyone who went into labor at the baby shower? not personally, no.

When’s the last time you did a hand game with someone? (ie: Mary Mack) pretty much every single time i’m around my nephews. 

How old is your oldest living relative? my grandma is nearing 90

What was the worst part about being a kid? for me there was a lot of verbal, mental, and physical abuse. 

What’s the best part about being an adult? probably the not needing to ask permission for anything lol. 

How many hours of sleep do you need in order to function successfully? when im not in a flare up then like 3-4 hours. when i’m in a flare up like i am now... i no joke could sleep 12-18 hours and feel tired still. 

What are two foods that are supposed to taste weird together, but you like? uhhhhhmmm im blank at the moment.

What is your favorite kind of dip? currently either em’s crack dip or the creamy jalapeno dip from lays.

Do you know anyone who was not born in a hospital, unexpectedly? oh goodness the amount of women who came into the store with their babies and would explain the crazy ways they were born... 

Does anyone you know have dual citizenship to live in multiple countries? yes

Do you still have a landline phone/phone number? i’m pretty sure the line still exists but we dont use it.

Do you know anyone who lives in the Southern Hemisphere? yes

What are some things from childhood that you still do today? nintendo 64

Name a fad that was popular when you were growing up, that you miss. so most of the fads have made their way back. 

Have you ever gotten to milk a cow or a goat? a cow

Have you ever taken a gymnastics class before? i’ve not.when i was little i really wanted to but we didn’t have that kinda money

What’s the worst part about being an adult? bills/money

What was the best part about being a kid? you’re not responsible for all the things.

–

Were you ever force-fed as a child? No.

What’s the worst thing you could hear before going under anesthesia? “oops”

What’s the last thing you rolled your eyes about? someone acting oblivious to conversations we have repeatedly had.

Should kidneys or other organs be able to be bought and sold? no.

When’s the last time you had to refrain from telling someone I told you so? probably a friend who was upset with something their parents did/didnt do and i explained what i imagined it was and it came out exactly as i said.

What’s one of your favorite riddles? none.

What is one of your most important rules when going on a date? have someone know when/where you are expected to be and make sure to check in with them.

Do you judge books by their covers? (actual books) sometimes yes

What unethical experiment would have the biggest positive impact on society? no.

What did you find while snooping, that you really wish you hadn’t? uhhhhhh oh after i found out about K and his .. whatever. i was a sobbing mess and went on his page and found a post a long time ago on a social media platform i’m not active on, where she posted something sexual on his page. it felt like 4.5 million stab wounds.

What’s something most people don’t worry about but probably should? crib safety

Do you use movie quotes often? occasionally but its usually just like a phrase.

What are some of your favorite idioms/sayings? this list is VERY long.

Will children today have better or worse lives than their parents, and why? I think as with anything it is a mixed bag of nuts. they should likely have parents who are more educated, less close-minded, more compassionate. but they have to battle social media, comparison pressure unlike what their parents knew, etc.

When was the last time you had a new lease on life? i think i will be soon. which is wild cuz it comes ages after a rough spel.

What’s the craziest conversation you’ve overheard? i remember a crazy conversation at panera AGES ago.

What are some goals that humanity is not focused enough on achieving? looooooooooooooooooooool. again, long list.

If you were capable of possessing people, what would you make them do? I don’t even want to start thinking about this.

Which charitable cause is most deserving of money? tbh that would take an awful lot of research to look into the charities. the only one i know right off the bat that i love is 4ocean

–

Do you live in the same hometown as where you were born? the hospital i was born at is located in a neighboring town. but I still am in the town that I came home from the hospital to

Did you dorm at college or commute from home? i always commuted because it was so much more affordable.

How long before you tell someone that enough is enough? usually its like 3-4 repeated mistakes before its not a mistake and is instead a pattern. by that point im sure ive effectively communicated that this is not acceptable behavior and then i move on.

Do you want to get married one day? Why or why not? I would love to. I think I will. 

Do you file your own taxes or have an accountant do it? gosh i hate taxes. I do my own but thats only because i own nothing.

How often do you get your haircut? my sister cut my hair this past summer. my hair is falling out real bad so I need to cut it but i’m just not ready

Do you prefer the thin blue and white masks, or decorative ones? tbh i’m just over it. its not enjoyable in any way shape or form for me because i can’t regulate my temperature lately and the second I put one on i start getting overheated. It wasn’t like that last year but this year is different.

Have you ever witnessed someone have a seizure before? so. many. times. I used to have to care for my brother every time he had them growing up. he had a severe seizure disorder.

Are you someone who puts a decent amount of emojis in their texts? i put an average amount but not excessive unless im joking

What was the last excuse you used when you didn’t want to hang out? i dont often turn down much

Do you own more solid colored socks or patterned socks? uhhhhhhh solid.

What is something that still excites you as though you were 5 years old? fireworks! swimming! dogs/cats! game time! dinner!

Tennis, Ping-Pong, or Badminton? uhhhhh ping pong i suppose.

Do you buy seasonal/limited edition treats for yourself? lol no.

Have you ever rode on the back of a shopping cart, or a Home Depot dolly? of course, who hasn’t?

Does everything you buy have to be organic? No. 

Do you support more small businesses or chain restaurants/stores? we eat most of our eating out at small local privately owned places. shopping, however, is different. 

Starbucks, Tim Horton’s, or Dunkin’ Donuts? dunkin. starbucks only has one drink ill have. never had hortons. dunkin has delicious tea and hot chocolate

Have you ever been crowned king or queen at a school dance? no, i was homeschooled.

Do you have conversations with your pets or do voices for them? allllllllllllllllll the time.

[le-ciel-estbleu]

I feel like I'm a kid again, with a makeshift bed on the floor next to my parents because im having such bad nightmares. 

I don’t know how to be away from him. not if he’s here.

but tomorrow he won’t be here. maybe not the next day or the day after that. 

but right now, I would sleep by him. even if I'm on the floor. I would use every second I can to be near him, for when the morning comes, I won’t be able to. 

when the morning comes, I'll be only a friend again. when the morning comes, the nightmare resumes and continues its torture. for him, when the morning comes, a new day arises. he is free. truly free. free from having to answer to someone where he’s going, free from being told anything, simply free. I love him  with anything and everything that I have. I would cling to him like those nasty sharp sea creatures that stick themselves to rocks and piers. I would never let him go. but what I would do, is not what is going to happen. from this point on, I will no longer have the right to know where he is, nor will I be apprised. from this point on, I won’t be privy to anything personal, anything sexual. anything at all, really, that doesn’t fall in the lines of friendship. from this point on, I am friend. 

always the bridesmaid, never the bride. 

from this point on, I cease to exist as the person I was or knew. now, I no longer know what I am. I know what I have to do- report to work. that is all. though I no longer know who I'm going to be. I'm not the person I was. the person I was, was an amalgamation of myself and parts of him I've picked up through the last 8 years. I liked that part of myself. it was sassy and feisty, and I came to understand it. it was him. it was confidence, it was rebuttal. it was educated indifference. 

now, all I have is the broken pieces of whoever this is that I'm left with, and.. yeah. that’s it. I can’t plan past this moment. I don’t want to plan, there are no plans. I planned an entire life, a future. it was to be so because we spent 8 fucking years together. we were basically married in every sense of the word. we have bills together, we have shit in our name. we’re a fucking family. And now, I am adrift. I'm not angry at anyone but myself and as usual, all I am left with is me. this horrible fucking thing I can’t stand to be around because it isn’t him. he couldn’t stand to be with me either. I know exactly what I did, and how it happened. I said the things I said, I acted the way I did, I did the things I did, and it all lead us to here. he didn’t do it himself, I did. I was the party to this crime. this fucking travesty. I am so fucking.. FUCK. 

I.. don’t know how to go on. this is far worse than anything I can relate it to because I have nothing to relate it to. he is the love of my life, and now, he has gone. he is gone because of me. he won’t return. he wants a break but I know the stories, I know how it goes. a break means an opportunity to see life without the ball and chain that has oppressed you. it never ends with them coming back. ever. because what they left was everything they didn’t need. it was a learning curve. but I am so far from learning anything from this, I am fucking broken. I do not want to go on. I can’t do this. 

I will let you go because I have no choice. but my heart will never release you. I will be tormented always. and you will go on to be a successful restaurant owner, with a lovely small and beautiful house with all the fixings that you wanted, all the small toys. and your business will flourish. you’ll have your ups and downs, but you will be so fulfilled because people will love and appreciate everything you do, and you’ll love it too. you’ll love your regulars, you’ll hang out with them after hours and schmooze and make more regulars. then, when you least expect it, you’ll meet a beautiful woman that will be everything you never knew you needed. wild in bed, yet grounds you. always keeping you on your toes, but someone you know you can trust and always confide in. she will be your best friend. and I know you will be so happy, it will all be worth it. and maybe one day, maybe if you look out at something from your beautiful view or a boat you own, you’ll think of me. just once. but that thought will pass as your beautiful wife will come over to you and sit on your lap and kiss you, and you’ll know you made the right decision. I was in the past, and I was never meant to be. I was the one you learned to avoid. the one you didn’t want.  

you will be so happy. you are so talented, and so successful. and all I am, is a toxic plague. 

I will be your faithful friend for a time. until you grow, find a lover, and become successful as your meant to be. I will fade away. I will be just a memory. a consequence to anyone who thinks they should stay in a relationship just because they think they need to take care of someone. your wife will remind of you that daily, with her affection, support, and love. and you will never regret the decision to leave. because it was the best choice you ever made. for your happiness, and your own heart. 

and that, is how the story ends. that is how my story ends. 

they say if you love someone, you will set them free. I forget the whole quote, but somehow if they come back, they were meant to be. something along the lines of that. 

I have to forget what I feel. as he said earlier, I've hurt him already, and this is what he felt. and he is right. as cosmically terrible it feels inside, I deserve it. it’s justice. he told me earlier, what I feel doesn’t matter. because I made him feel that way. I've already said it to myself. it doesn’t matter. I understand that I am going to be in limbo for a long, long time. I’ve almost accepted it, and we haven’t even come upon the day of “the talk” we’re due to have. though, we both already know what the talk will be. he doesn’t feel the same, he does not feel romantic towards me. you can love and care for someone very much, yet those feelings not be romantic. this cuts me. every time I hear it, every time he says it, every time I type it, it cuts me. by now, I have been slashed 1000 times, and I expect 1000 more before this is officially over. tomorrow’s talk, I expect now would consist of dealing with the separation and dealing of bills and everything we have together. he’s already told me where he will be staying most of the time. I know he told me he would be honest, but I also know that I am no longer privy to that information and so if he’s intimate with another, why would he tell me? I'm no longer a part of that life. I am “friend.” this is what I did. 

I don’t want to be without him either, so I will be his friend for as long as I can manage. but if Im honest with myself, I will self destruct before I witness a true relationship between him and another. I've already been sick to my stomach for days, I have to force down food because I am sick and weak without it but eating it makes me even more sick. there used to be satisfaction and happiness in food (fuel), and now I want to vomit looking at it. I can’t think about exercising because.. well I just can't. he was part of that too. while I may have branched out and started my own solo fitness, I thought about him all the time. he was my support system, he gave me confidence. he was the only one I wanted to tell about achievements and the like. now I don’t give a shit. now, I may let myself go back to the unhealthy, overweight, sack of shit I was before. at least then, he told me, we had a better sex life, and I seemed to be a better person. at least then, he still loved me in that way. now, he pities me. now it makes him feel bad because I sob in front of him. I am pitiful. 

I ruined and wasted the love he wanted to give. he tried and tried and tried, and all the while I squandered it and thought I had more time. you never have more time. ‘no day but today.’ 

well, that day is gone. I ruined that day. I ruined many days. I remember them well. and now, I will never be free of them. they will haunt me always. 

because you never know what you had until it’s gone. 

I intend to get fucked up every single day, until I don’t remember my name. I don’t intend to be “strong”as he says I am. I am not strong. my family is now gone, I now no longer have a future husband that I've spent a big chunk of my life with. a significant part of me, is being ripped away from me. no, I am not going to be okay. I will not accept this. so I will drink, and drink and drink. I will sleep because at least then I don’t have to feel unless I have my nightmares. and he was always there to hold me through them while I cried in the night. I think those nightmares were a foreshadow of what was to come. of what I was about to destroy. my mind knew before I did that my life was about to come to an end. Does my heart still beat therefore keeps me alive? yes. but that does not mean I live. For I no longer do. I don’t.. know what to do. and it’s almost easier to not speak to others, for when I do, all I have is choked up words and then sobs. which is why I spent the day in the back, and then I left. thankfully I was working with two of my friends who were very understanding. I couldn’t keep it from them any longer, as I couldn’t stop fucking crying every 5 or so minutes. I didn’t divulge much, other than that I irrevocably screwed up, and the love of my life is leaving. They’re my friends and say it’s not my fault blah blah.. but then I tell them, yes it is. I won't be able to go into the years of detail, but it is my fault. I did this. I know I did, and there’s no pity party. I need to know I did. I need the truth. I need to accept what is happening and why. But they let what was happening, happen. I finally asked one of them, to please stop trying to make me talk. I appreciated what she was trying to do, but I couldn’t put on a face, I never have been able to. This is ruining me, and it just needs to happen. so, let it happen. as I am now accepting that it is happening. I can’t hide or stop my sadness. I am.. completely and utterly distraught. I am.. empty. in a few minutes, I will feel even more terrible and I'll take another shot and pray it’ll be one shot closer to sleep. Only an hour or two of not feeling this. then when I wake up, I have to lay there a moment and remember what’s real. remember that.. baboon is gone. and.. he won’t be there to hold me, or text throughout the day, or send silly pictures from work.  

I hope.. the next girl treats him as he deserves. I know they may argue, but it won’t be bad arguments. because she wouldn’t ever inspire that sort of anger, because he loves her so much. because she’s awesome, and wild and special. he deserves nothing less. he is wild, and awesome and special. and intelligent, and talented. I’ve always known I was safe with him. so she will lucky to know that she can always count on him. he will always be looking out for her, no matter what. she will love him more than I could. I thought it wasn't possible, but it has to be because I have clearly failed. 

I'm awake right now and I feel that rock sensation. I only felt it as a kid, when I was trying to sleep but now I feel it. I feel the heavy weights all around me. I'm sitting up and I feel almost suffocated. I've been feeling it for days. tonight will be just like others, I will sleep for possibly an hour or two if I can finally manage it. but my heart has been ramming into my chest, my breath has been hitching and catching in my throat. and this is my consequence. this is my ‘judgment day.’ we as humans constantly take everything for granted, until death or something else comes knocking. something that plows through our day to day, through our relationships, knocking down our trust, our love, any hope. 

I've been an adult for quite some time now. but I almost feel like the pirates in ‘pirates of the Caribbean’, when the curse of the gold is lifted off them and they are now mortal. they now feel everything, for they are now able to suffer. I am feeling, everything. and I feel like a fool. he said earlier, its all nice and lovey right now just like it always has been and then we go right back to arguing. Well, in this he is wrong. this is different and I am sure he is aware of it. it’s.. over. I can’t even say it outloud without my words cracking in my throat turning to a sob. I already knew it. from the first day this started. I haven’t really slept in 3 days, this will be the 4th. this is the longest I've gone with very little food. I can’t eat. I can’t sleep because I can’t fall asleep. I've tried, just to quell my misery if only for a while. It won’t happen, my mind won’t shut off. I can’t conceive of anything. my own guilt and regret are drowning me, as well as jealous and all the images of his life that he is already having and going to have without me. he even said it outloud. he needs to be without me, because he can’t imagine being with me any longer. I am that terrible. I have made him that miserable. what is worse than the one you love completely leaving you, is being left with the reason why they did: you. you are your own worst enemy and I fucking hate myself. I look in the mirror and I'm surprised I haven’t smashed it (I don’t know how to replace it because he won’t be here to do so and... that would be psycho.) 

I don’t know what to do, and i am now.. for all intents and purposes, starting from the bottom. and the start is not good.. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to dress up, I don’t want to put on my mascara because.. why would I? he won’t be there to tell me I look beautiful or put his hands all over me because I look so good he wants to take it all off me. I ruined that too. 

I am so afraid of dying but here on earth, I am already dead. there is nothing I can do to change this. there is nothing I can say to make him stay. he already wants to give me the money I spent on a birthday gift for him (really bad timing.) he thinks I did it to make him stay. maybe that was part of it, but I know deep down that it wouldn’t happen anyway and I'm done for, and I just wanted to give him something really awesome that he enjoys now. I wanted to give him a parting gift so that he may think.. hopefully good thoughts of me. even if I don’t know about it.. if he spares a thought for me, it would be nice. because it’s good to know he didn't forget about me. and yet, that’s selfish. because the reason for this is for him to move on, move forward, and be happy. it’s not about someone else, but you need a partner in this life to share in your happiness and triumphs. he deserves to share in his successes. he deserves to crawl into bed with a woman who he is sexy and alluring and supports him. 

I am.. none of those things. I am neither sexy, nor alluring. 

I am dead. 

but tonight, I will sleep on the floor beside him, because these are the final hours I may have to spend with him like this. I may as well use them. even it’s weird to hold or touch him because we’re breaking up.. at least I got to do it. at least I got these last days, hours, to appreciate everything I've lost.  

but mark me, this is the last time. 

he was the one.  

and, that’s it.