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#rachel rambles

Sorry I haven’t been around much. My mood took a dive this last week, but especially over the last couple of days. 2020 was gonna be the year I tried to get my mental health back in check, but 2020 has been a lot rougher than I, or I’m sure anyone else, ever could have predicted 😩

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woke up at 3 am and cant get back to sleep because my thoughts wont shut the fuck up. im such a worthless excuse for a human i wish i didnt exist

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i cant keep ranting to my friends about how much i hate my art because they just say “same” or change the subject becayse they are tired of how depressed i am. i cant blame them but im just sick of feeling this way. everythibg feels worthless and i genuinely just dont want to exist anymore

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if i get my drivers license this summer i might drop out of college. i love my friends but i genuinely think im just wasting money on a useless major now because i genuinely cannot create at all

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i literally cant draw anymore i try so hard and everything turns out basic and bad and im so sick of it. literally the only worth i have is in my art and when my art is so fucking terrible that i cant even draw anything it just reminds me of how little worth i have

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today is marked improvement from yesterday, in which i was gripped with deep existential depression and didn’t get out of bed to do anything until 12:30pm lol
tho’ when i did drag my carcass up i did manage to shower, make slow cooker coconut curry lentils with sweet potatoes and carrot, and make chicken noodle soup from scratch, which i have never attempted before. i made my own stock and everything!! 
and, continuing that streak, today I’m actually baking my first loaf of sourdough!! on two different occasions, my dad had given me a sample of his starter and i managed to kill it both times (#rip). so this time i did the starter myself which i think really helped me understand the process better. so anyways, yes am making my first loaf today! 
I also managed to

  • clean and descale the espresso machine 
  • finally wash the massive amount of dishes in the kitchen sink
  • put on a load of laundry
  • sweep the kitchen 
  • deep clean bailey’s litterbox

now i’m set up at the kitchen table to keep chipping away at my practicum course work between periods of kneading and rest my loaf (!)

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Yet, despite all the despair, I still hold on to hope. It is my greatest flaw.

Some deep, visceral part of me wants to believe that there’s an order to all the chaos, that this all means something.

I want to believe that the world will turn into a Heaven on Earth, that all hunger, and sadness, and pain will be done away with.

I long for a future full of Good.

I want God to exist.

But not this horrible, angry God who only cares about our reverence of him. 

I want to believe in the loving, kind God who sees humanity as worth saving, “sins” and all.

But I think this is just a lie we’ve been told to make ourselves sleep better at night.

Perhaps I’ll just live my life never knowing.


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The day I realized God was dead, the world was collapsing around me.

I sat in bed, face sodden with tears, lungs gasping for air, and one name falling off my lips.

I was alone and isolated.

I prayed and prayed and prayed. Anything that would make the pain cease.


We’re taught that God doesn’t answer our prayers the way we intend them to, and yet the silence stung. 

I felt betrayed, disillusioned, and hopeless.

What could is believing in a God that doesn’t answer?

How is all of this supposed to be part of a Higher Purpose?

Again, we’re taught that we cannot possibly know what God’s Plan is or understand His methods.

What good is a God that gives us this knowledge, this wisdom, if we cannot understand what it is for?

Why have faith in a God that wants nothing more than reverence? 

That’s not my god.

In fact, I’m pretty sure there’s no God at all.


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