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#ramble

don’t read her messages no don’t do that no stop that now stop listening to we fell in love in october the month’s nearly over you’re not gonna fall in love no I SAID don’t read her old messages no i’m being serious do not look at her blog oh my god you idiot what are you doing oh ffs

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I am so deep in my anxiety that I woke up from three dreams last night, barely able to suppress the urge to throw up..

Meaning..I was literally gagging for minutes after waking up thrice in one night, trying not to cry because that would’ve made it that much harder not to throw up immediately.

Might be important to note that last night was the first time I cried in almost a year and it felt so wrong and I just wanted to die or at least stop feeling anything. And I didn’t even have a good reason to cry.. I am moving back in with my parents due to Covid because that way I can save up money for my Master’s degree in England but the whole process freaks me out so much. So yesterday I had to put some of the stuff from my flat on ebay because I can’t take everything with me and I had to interact with so many people and for some reason I felt like I was scamming them?! And so I cried. Even though I am giving that stuff away for free? Idk. I hate my brain.

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its too early for sad drunk brain, at this rate by the end of the day i’m going to have one (1) emotional break down and i bet money it’ll be in the lunch room with all the elderly ladies who talk about weed being a gift from God

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Anyone else having a problem where you’re not getting the push notifications for one of your side blogs?

Because I tried to ask tumblr support about it but they keep misreading my emails and are of the assumption that I’m not getting any push notifications, but it’s just for one blog lmao

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tbh I will always hate my family for never showing emotion around me and making me think that’s how it should be.

I called out of work today because it was the 5 year anniversary of my mother’s death. I felt very guilty about it because it felt like an excuse for being lazy; no one in my family has talked about it since the funeral and seem to be able to function completely normally even today. I feel so abnormal.

My boss was completely understanding and supportive. She didn’t seem to think it was an excuse at all (because it’s not). It made me realize just how much my family affected my emotional growth and understanding of processing emotions, and that it really impacted me negatively my whole life. I felt like having and showing emotions was wrong or strange and it’s honestly the root of all my emotional problems. like fuck i just want a family who talks about emotions in any way, shape, or form. that is not too much to ask for.

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Im technically bi but I hate the “bi community” . I don’t see myself as being bi I see it as half straight half gay but that’s considered biphobic I guess.

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one of these days i will just join the vc in one of the mcyt discord servers im in and just start streaming whatever game im playing and give no context. just me talking to myself as i run around my farm 

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