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sargasmicgoddess · 8 months

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I'm sorry.

I should have made more of an effort to be communicative. To tell you what was unfolding.

I'm very happy to see you thriving.

Hi~

It took me a second, but I think I may know who you are. If you are who I think you are, then thank you for this kind message, my friend. I greatly appreciate your thoughtfulness now, and apology accepted ❤️

Internet friendships are a funny thing. They are intimate and real in ways that many IRL friendships aren't. Yet internet friendships are often extremely cursory when it comes to basic things we usually take for granted in IRL friendships--like last names, phone numbers, regular forms of contact, having access to mundane knowledge--like the daily events that pop up in a friends life. You may see someone's bedroom and know their intimate thoughts, yet never know their real name. I've been fortunate enough to have actually gotten to know most of my close friends from here, but even then, there are always some mysteries that remain with some. (It's always that thin line between being invasive and curious....🤣)

And sometimes, they disappear without warning.

I've always asked the few people I've gotten close to here to please at least let me know, if they can, that they are leaving. And that they are OK. I appreciate the fact that real life is messy and unpredictable and that this may not always be possible or feasible. However, I always hope that they will at least do me the courtesy of letting me know...if not when it happens, perhaps some time in the future. And...I'm thinking this may be the latter...? If so, I'm flattered I'm still a thought. ❤️

My worst fear is not knowing that something happened to a friend and then just assuming the worst. I've thankfully not had that happen very often, but it is a thought that haunts me from time to time. (Yes, I'm one of those sentimental ones, lol)

This is a roundabout way of me saying that I understand that internet friendships often don't come with the same expectations that IRL friendships may--but it is greatly appreciated when someone makes the effort to be considerate. In this case, I was very appreciative and touched to get this message. I have to say I wasn't expecting it and it was a lovely surprise. I hope everything is well with you too. Please know that you are always welcome to say hi, should you wish to ❤️. I appreciate this gesture, and there are no hard feelings.

The close friendships I've made here hold a special place in my heart. I often wonder where these friends may be, years from now--the sentimental, connection-seeking part of me always hopes that they will still be around. I've always been a firm believer that connections that are meant to be will always remain, in some shape or form.

And if I was totally wrong about who you are, and you have no idea what I'm talking about....then...well...whoops. My bad. 🤣😬 What I said about internet friendships still hold true...and I apologize for any confusion 🤣

#asks #do you have a fondness for b&w photography? 🤔#connections #ramblings and musings

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scummy-writes · 3 months

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I am feeling nostalgic lately because I am trying to just sorta look into reasons that I write and why I struggle with some things concerning it, and in doing so I've been doing the Terrifying task of reviewing things that gave me a lot of anxiety, such as like...m*sme days.

I wrote a Lot for that fandom, I believe. A lot to me, to where if I compared it to how much I've written this past year, it feels like it wouldn't have even been a third of the writing for m*sme. I mean, I just finally broke over posting more fanfics for vamp than m*sme recently on ao3 recently, whereas m*sme had a ton of hcs and etc that I posted too, since I used to do more requests back then.

I was a part of two zines. One, i was asked to be a part of as a guest, and I have the physical version of the zine still on my bookshelf. My writin, printed out!!! With artists and writers that I enjoyed and admired, I am inbetween shared pages with them.

Another, I spearheaded with the help of friends and managed to raise almost $800 in charity for, even the company reached out and sent a nice lil RFA booklet for it.

And I've been having bouts where I think of those years and compare to Myself. Like "man, past me wrote so much, whats Wrong with me now?", "i was able to do so much more back then...", and now I sit here and analyze it even moreso.

I was quite literally the most depressed I had ever been during that timeframe. I had some awful struggles with my family, I was learning about a lot of personal struggles as well, fandom drama had me in a choke hold it felt like, I was having to live with my grandma due to the family issues, I was alone with barely any time to see irl friends since i worked nightshifts (and my irl friends were an hour away or so), and I lived in a small town that was hateful in many ways. Etc etc...

And now its...what...smaller fandom with less drama (thank god), less pressures from toxic friend groups, family issues are not 100% but are WAY better.... lived with friends the past couple of years and currently living with a friend I met through ikes*ries fandom, and I'm looking back at those fandom days with m*sme and I'm like. Maybe I am just still recovering from all of that. Maybe this is just me slowly building up the ability to write and love it all again.

#scum talks #ramblings and musings

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dracopias-bloodbag · 4 months

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My writing process is really just, 9 tabs open: pinterest (for setting inspo), italian fic writing guide 1, 2, and 3 (all curtesy of the lovely @foxybouquet :)), thesatanictemple.com, guide to moon phase meanings, google translate, site on witchcraft history, google doc of outtakes, and the doc with the chapter I'm actually working on

#ramblings and musings #my thoughts #my dracopia wip #I am exhausted but thriving

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12th-shavie · 6 months

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So I've been playing Radiant Historia Perfect Chronology lately and I have many thoughts that plague me

Spoilers under the cut

All of this is from reaching both basic and true ending, the PC ending with the singularity, all side quests, possible history quests and no second run with clear data for the extra ending. Also I played it on friendly difficulty and it's a good thing I touch at the end of my thoughts.

I mostly want to ramble about the different characters in the game, in somewhat of an order so I'll start with my dear boy Stocke.

I really liked Stocke. He's not particularly chatty, but we get to see a lot of what's going on his mind through the story, including every decision he has to make that can lead to a bad ending and he ends up very well-rounded by the time of the ending. He clearly grows to care a lot about everyone around him, which makes his fate particularly cruel when it's only because he made all these connections that he can be the sacrifice, but it's also the reason why his sacrifice is such a heavy blow for the others. His status as a man whose soul hasn't been his for a long time unbeknownst to him heightens the value of his growth as a person and as a friend, showing how he could still grasp the opportunity to see value in the world beyond himself and his own lifespan (that was technically over since quite some time). He's willing to use the power at his disposal to try to get the best outcome for anyone he can help, even when it seemingly doesn't do much for the world at large, he's just really helpful. Stocke is also very funny to me in the many ways he deals with his time travel. Especially in the ways he casually transports a bunch of items through the timelines, and never explains how he knows information he has absolutely no way of knowing at the point in time he's in. He also doesn't seem to question the fact that there's a big part of his life missing, or at least that's what I understand the Ernst memory wipe as, and seems to just adapt to whatever the timeline has in store for him at any given time. But he's also a Sad boy™ and deserves the world for everything he's been put through. Especially having to kill Rosch that one time.

Ah, Rosch. My poor sweet bulky boy whom I really tried to use every time he was available but it seems it was never enough and even in post-ending he's not quite caught up. The mana spring dlc also shows just how big his armor truly compared to his actual body and I respect the huge suit of armor that makes his silhouette a little silly. I wasn't a big fan of his romance with Sonja at first until the alternate history in Celestia and his bigger arc, where we get to see some more of them that made me appreciate them more (and Sonja upgrading his Gauntlet has to be some of my favourite interactions between her, Rosch and Stocke).

Raynie and Marco are cute as characters Stocke is close to but I really couldn't care less about Raynie's romantic subplot, or her in general. My interest in her never rose higher than my interest in her gameplay, which is thankfully fun to me so it doesn't feel like she's wasting my time. Marco was a little better, especially with the Mimel sidequest where he shows another facette of himself in the bad ending where he goes nuts and I respect that. But ultimately, they're only involved at first because Heiss made it so, and neither their past not their relationship to Stocke or the others was delved into all that much, which is kind of a shame given how present they are during the game.

Which bring me to Heiss. Heiss' first appearance just threw me in a loop of "wow, this guy is so obviously evil but he called Stocke his best boy so now I really want the game to surprise me with a turn of events where he's not one of the Big Bad™. I really wish I could trust this guy in the slightest but that character design is screaming EVIL very loudly". He then proceeds to turn out to be the main villain. Except he still very much cares about Stocke, and always has, even when his other intentions are very nefarious. And even at the very end he still cares about his favourite nephew. And I'm a sucker for that kind of character development, so needless to say Heiss now lives rent-free in one of my mental tabs that run in the background on my thoughts. He does have one portrait where he looks down, in a content but sad way, as if reminiscing of a happier past and it really gets me every time. I did not expect to care so much about the guy, yet his character arc really did it for me. From the bitterness cranked up to eleven by the Black Chronicle's past owners and his huge soft spot for Stocke to his own actions of granting Stocke a chance at a non-royal, non-sacrifice life that he himself never got as Heinrich being the key to the only positive future there was for the world ? Gorgeous arc ! Until the true end where he just never gives up on the only thing he truly cared about, Stocke's future. The PC ending where he joins forces with Stocke, Nemesia and the others was also a satisfying moment, seeing how he's reminded of when he went on adventures with Ernst (again with that softer portrait I am very weak to), along with one of the possible histories where you get the key to his desk (which had plagued me from the moment I tried to snoop around his office much earlier in the game) and it contains an old portrait of Heinrich and Ernst, probably the only trace had kept from that part of his past, showing that despite all the scheming and lack of remorse on other fronts as the main villain, he's still an old man whose life was never completely his own, and who tries to break the cycle for the one person he cared about who was condemned to the same fate. In other words, Heiss is absolutely a magnificent bastard but also very human underneath and I am not immune to that.

On the other hand, a character I had to warm up to gradually was Eruca (I've seen her design from the DS version and I feel robbed, that little sprite had so much more personality !). She starts out kinda generic, as the princess stuck under the terrible reign of her stepmother who secretly leads her dead brother's rebel group, and I only started garnering interest when she joined the party and was armed with a gun. I had gotten a gun before but had no idea they were for her, and it was extremely refreshing to see how she fared in combat despite her lower availability. Her relationship with Stocke was also made so much better by that one moment around the end where it goes back to their first time meeting in standard history and shows exactly what she was dealing with when interacting with Stocke, knowing full that he not only was her dead brother living with a borrowed soul, but also had yet to be aware of his role in the grand scheme of things. I was afraid the whole ritual bit would get in the way of her character development but it didn't and she ended up being one of my favourite characters in both story and gameplay. Ice magic nukes are very nice.

Aht is adorable and I knew she'd be in my top three from the moment I saw her in the animated opening in which she gave me some Just a little guy™ vibe which is sufficient for me to be interested. Her voice acting was also very endearing (then again all of the voice acting worked really for me) and she was just as fun in gameplay with her trap set-ups and big combo potential. And then the story dropped all sorts of hints that she clearly was aware of something very big and plot-relevant and that really makes her go from Babsie™ to Tell me your secrets you adorable little scoundrel™ and that's absolutely my jam.

I wish I had a stronger opinion on Gafka. He's pretty neat, I like the combos he brings to the tables, the way he learns additional skills with Bergas makes sense to me and is cool, but I wish his character spoke to me more. The one thing I would say about him is that he has this trait where he has a hard time distinguishing humans and uses nicknames based on other visible parts of them, but does eventually come to recognize Stocke with his name instead of "Red One" and that's a new bit of development he got there.

I wish Viola was playable. Girl's got so much potential with a title like the Valkyrie but only gets so little story presence, but she's a highlight of every scene she's in and that's fine by me. I find her design very soft yet powerful and inspiring, as befits a character with her renown and charisma.

I can also say I really appreciate Raul, he's not the most appealing character at first, but the genuine effort he clearly puts in supporting however he can from the back lines and devising all of the larger scale tactics and stuff really elevates him as guy who's trying to make the best out of a bad situation where he can't turn his back on people who need help he can provide after not opposing Hugo more directly even though he suspected him to be up to no good.

Speaking of Hugo, he has me a little confused on what exactly his motives were, where his loyalty lied and what he was really trying to accomplish, especially regarding Noah and the possible histories surrounding him. I'm not a fan of letting him around with Noah and not facing more consequences for his actions. Noah himself is also a little weird, being both this mysterious prophet who just wants what's best for his people and this calm guy who seems to know more than he lets on but hasn't really tried to stop Hugo or find another way to reach the people without his name being exploited. I wonder how he could've affected the timeline if he didn't just vanish from the public eye after the possible history that saves his life in the alternate history.

Dias and Selvan are most definitely meant to be read as an evil power couple. You can't throw in a sidequest where it is shown they get a hotel room in the middle of the day and Selvan immediately resorting to threatening to kill a little girl the instant he sees Stocke menacing Dias, and not tell they're not in some kind of very close relationship that is never described as friendship, not even once. Also they'd seemingly betray anyone in a heartbeat except each other and I will read the subtext as I please. There is also that one line from Selvan in alternate history when Dias is dead and he says something along the lines of "But now Dias is slain, and I am broken". And that's without mentioning the possible history where they didn't set Protea up as queen but Dias directly, and an NPC says that "Dias wears the crown, but Selvan might as well sit on the throne" and I'll gladly interpret it as Selvan sitting on the throne with Dias on his lap. Moving on.

Friendly difficulty is a godsend that should be in many other games. I love being able to progress rapidly through the combat heavy parts of the story and only be forced into important fights which I can appreciate without wearing down my gameplay experience. I cannot show grateful I am to be able to enjoy the story to the fullest with no downsides in my opinion. It even gives me a reason to someday try out the DS version to experiment with combat a little more, and also see the game in all its original stylized glory (mostly Stocke's grittier self, Eruca's pixie cut, Heiss balding forehead that makes him less magnificent of a bastard and Dias looking less evil for some reason)

I also intend to finish RHPC with my clear data to see that final final ending, just to see what it brings to the table.

#radiant historia #radiant historia perfect chronology #ramblings and musings #I must scream into the void #I am rereading myself and damn these sentences are way too long for their own good #TLDR : radiant historia is a good game and has good characters in it

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wolgraugorimilir · 2 months

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This is a letter I wrote to a friend, regarding Tepwat Manu. Stick around for rambling musings on ancient Egyptian culture, and my life

“It's a fascinating point you made that “lightness of the heart” means frivolity, rather than rightness, in our culture. I've never thought about that, nor have I ever recognized that the imagery of the weighing of the scales is something that exists, too, in Hebrew scripture.

Of course, that makes a lot of sense to me. After all, famously, there were close connections between Hebrews and Egyptians.

That you mentioned our relationship with the concept of lightness of the heart illuminates what I consider to be a very important difference between Ancient Egyptian culture and our own. Ancient Egyptians conceptualized morality (maybe better translated as “rightness”, symbolized by the feather called Ma'at), as comfortably fulfilling your role in society. Full stop.

“Rightness” meant that it was right for healers to heal, for farmers to sow, for scribes to write. Fulfilling your social role - being “right”, or perhaps, “moral” - was something that would feel effortless, and pleasurable. Living your best life was light-hearted, even perhaps in our sense of the word.

Something I have always struggled with growing up with Christianity is the pernicious idea that rightness has to hurt. That pleasure and ease are sinful. I grew up around mostly protestants.

I think there is wisdom in the belief that living within your means, and doing whatever is most natural, is “right”.

Of course, It's also a dangerous belief. For the Ancient Egyptians, it was right for a warrior to kill, and for a king to enslave.

I'm so so happy to hear you're in, and I'm so flattered that you were able to engage with my writing on such a deep and insightful level.

Henry was my brother. He died when he was a baby. I was 6. It opened my eyes to death. All at once, god became something cruel, and unjust.

That feeling is something I shared with the ancient Mesopotamians. They loved their gods, of course, like I do, but they didn't think of their gods as beings concerned with morality. The gods were as capricious and cruel as the natural forces they embodied. The oceans, The Earth, death. They were not above the people's reproach. A common refrain in Mesopotamian prayers was to curse their gods, to try and make them feel pity, and change their minds.

If a child died, his mother would say to her gods - those who wielded the tablets of destiny - who had set down in clay the proclamation that her child should die:

"Why did you do this cruel thing to me, when all I ever did was love you?"

I don't feel like we've ever come up with a very compelling answer to that question. The gods have certainly been quiet.

#Tepwat Manu #Ancient Egypt #Ancient Mesopotamia #Ramblings and Musings #My writing

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st-just · 2 months

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On average, in general, today is still probably the single best time in history to be alive

Oh my god is that such a low fucking bar you have no idea everything is so fucking awful everywhere

#it's 2am and I'm rambling #musing

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elexuscal · 9 months

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the longer i stay in fandom, the longer i think a huge amount of bad takes and discourse come from an... abundance of identifying with a character

to be clear, i don't think it's bad to identify with a character. far from it! i think that's part of what makes fiction so powerful.

and it's only logical people often attach to a blorbo because they're just like me, for real. a person will see some element of themselves-- their race, their gender, their sexuality, their hobbies, their family life, their specific flavour of neurodivergence-- and something just resonates. it gives them a way to explore and name this important part of themselves, a part they maybe didn't even know existed before it.

and everything is well and good until some split between them and the character shows up

because of course, no character, except an explicit self-insert written by yourself, will ever be a perfect 1:1 for your own experiences. so sooner or later-- maybe in canon, maybe in a fanwork-- your blorbo diverges from your lived experience in a huge way.

I think this is why shipping culture in particular gets so toxic. While it is by no means the only way to indulge with shipping, a significant portion is 'if i was in that character's shoes, i would choose X'. the fight becomes for your own self-identity.

but this gets expanded in other ways. a character who is revealed to be black when the majority of the fandom had just assumed they were white. or revealed to be queer, or maybe the 'wrong' flavour of queer. or fuck, even some more innocuous part of their backstory, one that's nonetheless so meaningful for SOMEONE, but now it feels like the story is saying, fuck you, we're doing something else

i don't know. i just feel acknowledging this perceived-attack-on-identity helps me understand why people react it what seems to be such outsized way to canon and fanworks alike.

at the same time, i think it's a really important thing to check in yourself.

it's nice, to see a character who you identify with. who resonates with for being like you. but it's also nice to acknowledge and appreciate the way characters are not like you at All. how great it is to get insight into this totally different lived experience. and to muse on how wonderful that recognition might be for someone who does have that background.

#i don't know this is rambly but i've been musing on this for a while #fandom #fiction #media analysis

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confessionsofatvjunkie · 2 years

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Who’s this lil guy??

#new mobile icon #tumblr icon #random #ramblings and musings

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shytidalwavebanana · 6 days

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#muse rambles #luke james #body girl #own post #daniela calle #buffyverse #grumpy #gratuit #rvb

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thesargasmicgoddess · 5 months

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"Research is formalized curiosity"...

More and more, I'm realizing that not everyone is wired with a curious mind like mine. I often wonder about the "whys" about something. It's not unusual for me to get consumed for days or months thinking about the "why" or "how" of something--but I had assumed that this was how most people proceeded with a curiosity.

Imagine my surprise when I gradually realized (very recently, actually) that I'm actually in the minority, and not the majority. My mind, seemingly, is often an outlier--far away from the normal cluttered data points of reserved thoughts and commonplace musings. Surprisingly, it has helped me to see and understand things better. I've always wondered why I always seem more affected by little things in life than others, and now I understand why.

It maybe exhilaratingly exhausting at times, but I simply don't know how to, or want to, tame who I am.

This makes those I've let into my thoughts, and those who have gotten to know me, even more special to me. Specifically those who aren't scared away by my haphazardly odd, passionate, curious, and random mind.

I always think that I couldn't get nerdier, weirder, or more passionate....and then I go proving myself wrong again. Every time.

I mean, what fun would it be if I didn't? 🤣😉

Cheers 😘

#apa style for days #me #sargasmicgoddess #phd hoe chronicles #musings and ramblings #ramblings and musings #too much is never enough #adventures #live vibrantly #top post

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sargasmicgoddess · 8 months

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Hi. Not cerebral, but have you ever made a random connection with someone so strong on a night out or whatever where you’ve just had to follow it up somehow, or take action there and then?

I have this devil/angel inner-voice trauma in those situations and the angel always wins so I’m always left with wondering ‘what if’. One day I’ll have the balls to just say ‘fuck it’ and see what happens. Sigh.

Ever seen the movie Before Sunrise?

That's what I always think of when I think about random connections that just work.

Most of my life, I've followed my passions. Of the mind and of the heart. Professionally and personally. "What ifs" haunt me, and I've consciously tried to live a life where I don't have to say that a lot.

Granted, it takes me to other places that have made me say, "WTF is WRONG with me?!"* And "Am I clinically, diagnosably, INSANE?!"**

Other times, I get hurt wearing my heart on my sleeve by being vulnerable with connections, but that's a willing risk I take. I'd rather feel too much than nothing at all. But at the end of the day, I'm almost always happy I took chances.

I regret nothing. It has shaped me into the person I am today.

Obviously, idk your specific situation, so use your own best judgment.

But more than ever, I've embraced unexpected connections, experiences, and moments in my 40s. I hope you can find your happy medium too!

* everything. But I'm cool with it 🤣

**debatable. I'm sure you'll find me in the DSM somewhere 😬

#asks #musings and ramblings #ramblings and musings #it's magic #before sunrise #i love that they followed up with 2 more movies

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dracopias-bloodbag · 5 months

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is it really one of my self indulgent fanfics if “out of the woods” isn’t one of their songs

#my dracopia wip #sorry i’m a swiftie at heart #embarrassing #ramblings and musings

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ghosts-of-the-apocalypse · 3 months

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FUCK YES!! sorry but I absolutely called it! Lucifer is a silly guy!

Excessive ramble/theory tid bits ahead!~

How can you look at him and think he won't be a silly little guy? People saying he'd be a big intimidating scary king of hell? No way dude just look at him.

And like the way he looks so upset in Ep1 when he lost his ability to create. That's not the face of a guy seeking revenge and filled with anger, that dude is just plain ol' depressed. The way he slowly just walks off screen...

Lilith on the other hand? She is the definition of girlboss.

She's out here inspiring all the demons. Look at that power. She's in control. She's in charge.

While Lucifer's in his depressive state she's out here trying to lead all of hell. She's vengeful, (ik reds are quite a common colour in Hazbin Hotel) but the way it emanates in a glow behind her combined with her pose. It's just shows so much power and malice. You cannot convince me otherwise that she hasn't been pulling the strings since day 1.

I'd even go as far as to say she was the one who had the idea to tell Lucifer to give Eve the apple. Just look at her stance as she stands back to see Lucifer going over to Eve, overlooking the plan. She knows what's up.

(Also just a note but Eve looks so sad here. Girlie is trapped with Adam like she's in her own personal type of Hell. Btw I'd like to throw a theory out there that Eve and Lilith are sisters)

Ngl I do think Lucifer and Lilith split because of this whole power dynamic. Like Lucifer just couldn't keep up with Lilith's ideas or didn't believe in them. Like, Lucifer tells Charlie in Ep5 that Hell and it's people are terrible. This contradicts Lilith's whole thing of wanting to round up all the demons and potentially lead a fight. She THRIVES in Hell. For Lucifer, it's just constant punishment.

I feel like Charlie despite looking up to Lilith, is experiencing quite a bit of miscommunication. They both want to save the demons but in different ways. Charlie's way being through redemption but Lilith's maybe being through a war against Heaven.

Now it's just figuring out where the hell (pun not intended but enjoy) she's been for the past 7 years. (Honestly, I think she's just been off plotting with Eve.)

Another side note, but like the way Alastor just stares at this portrait in the pilot for such a weird prolonged amount of time is not helping my Lilith and Alastor theories calm down. Bro is the radio demon and is broadcasting everything back to Lilith.

He 100% sold his soul to Lilith, tried breaking free, but couldn't.

#hazbin hotel s1 ep5 #hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel pilot #Lucifer #alastor #Lilith #theory/rambles #(an excessive overuse of brackets)#musings and random thoughts by ghost

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