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#rant

I really wish the people on the road over would like stop fucking shooting off fireworks at 100% random ass times.


I get its summer and legal now but omfg. My last neighbor (whos Fucking cop) used to light fire works off legit at my friends brand new truck and laugh about it so im already like eh with neighbors doing that shit but like these guys. Omfg. They just fire them off randomly.


And like besides the fact i know at least one person on this street has ptsd thats triggered from firework sounds, they will shoot them off well past the noise ordinance and like it scares the living fuck out of one of my dogs. He never had a problem before we lived here and only after they kept doing it randomly did he start freaking out.


And like i don’t wanna be a dick, i think ppl should be able to shoot fire works sure but like shit. If youre gonna do it. Do it. Dont fire off 10. Wait an hour and do fifteen more. And then wait until 1am to do as many as you think you can gey away with without the neighbors calling the cops on you. Like you live in fucking town. We live in an area where if you want to do that shit, you can. If you live on a dirt road outside of town. Like. Thats just how it is here.


Mostly it just really pisses me the fuck off bc my dog gets so fucking upset over and over all night because those assholes cant just shoot the shit off at once and have to string it out so by the time hes calmed down again, thats when they start shooting it off again. And its all night from like 8-till after midnight. He doesn’t deserve that and theres literally nothing i can do other than drug him (which they do it alot so i dont want to) or try to block out the noise with the tv which is hard af.

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So the new season of 13 reasons why is up and I’m halfway through, but I’ve been struggling to watch it since episode 2. Clay’s struggle with anxiety has really, really affected me. I went through the exact same symptoms. The 24/7 paranoia, mood swings, seeing things that weren’t really there, disassociating, that crushing feeling you get when you think the air around you is concrete and it’s crushing you to the point of being weak. Watching Clay is like watching myself and it’s very difficult to keep viewing. I’ve never been so affected by a series the way I am about this show and this storyline. Anxiety is finally being portrayed as a complex issue, not just someone having a panic attack which is what I think most people who haven’t experienced anxiety assume it to be. It’s a slow illness that progresses without you knowing. It eats away at you slowly but surely. This kind of depiction is overwhelming for me because I finally feel like I’m not alone, my symptoms are understood. It’s very powerful.

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Last year one night I was sleeping in my room. My room is right next to our front door with a window (with blinds) that shows the front door. It was very late at night. I remember being woken up to a light shining in my face. There were lights shining through the window, there were two men outside shining bright lights into my room trying to look inside. I was too scared to move for fear that they would see or hear me, so I just stayed there shaking. I heard them swearing and saying vile things and they mentioned “the garage might be open let’s try getting in though there” until my parents finally woke up and went to the door. It was the police, there were police at our house, late at night. My mom answered the door, she’s a white woman, and all of a sudden their personality changed, and they were kinder to her. Then my dad showed up, he’s a black man, and they became somewhat hostile again. We had moved to this neighborhood two years before, and somebody called the police on us, they called the police on us because they thought we were squatters in the previous owner’s house. They asked us why we were in the neighborhood and why we had boxes in our kitchen, inquiring if they were stolen. They asked for ID, and even after they produced it they didn’t believe we lived here in this white neighborhood. After some convincing they left, until around a week later the police were called AGAIN and they came again, at night, to figure out if we actually lived there. It was terrifying. I thought that night that if I moved I was going to die or that something horrible was going to happen. They tried to get in to a freaking child’s bedroom and almost broke in through the garage, and refused to believe that we lived here. I’m just saying, these protests are important. Racism happens every day, and it’s awful and so scary. I’m tired of being scared, I’m tired of being scared for my dad. I really don’t understand why some people don’t think black lives matter. Why doesn’t my life matter? or my brother’s life? or my dad’s life? And the fact that the president doesn’t stand with us is awful. Please, stand with us. Do what you can, I’m so tired.

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Wow, fuck you EA. First you make me create an account on your shitty launcher for a game I bought on STEAM, & the game doesn’t even fucking start, I just get left on a black screen. Also fuck ubisoft for making me do the same thing, at least the games fucking work, but that’s what I EXPECT.

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Rant

June 6th 2020

Last December I developped feelings for a close friend and after a while he responded to them and we were together. However due to an incident, he broke up with me and then ghosted me for several weeks. I was devastated but knew that it wasn’t my fault and that he needed support. So I waited for the explanation which came months later and continued to be there for him through this tough period. He deliberately pushed me away after this, telling me that there was no way for us to be together and that even though he cared about me, he didn’t fully love me the way he thinks he should like someone. He told me that there was no chance for us to be together since he doesn’t usually date exes, but at the same time, his actions and other words sent me mixed signals. I suppose I was the one who assumed that there was still a chance and while he moved passed the traumatic incident, I was hopeful that he’d want to try again. This ultimately wasn’t the case as he’d mentioned that he wanted to try dating new people and getting better at it. During our short time together(at least a week), he’d never once taken me on an actual date. I fully support his decision to see other people and to enjoy himself, maybe even find a potential partner. Yet there’s this deep pain and longing that I feel knowing that he’s seeing people now and I can’t move on. No matter how much I think it’s okay, my feelings are saying otherwise and I’m constantly bothered by him mentioning the girl he’s going on dates with. I understand that this is jealousy and that I’m being selfish and immature for thinking I could come back into his life, but I’m still so attached. He was the first person to ever show an interest in me and we were very close for a while. He knows about all of my past trauma, abuse, abandonment issues, depression and self-image problems, but he still actively chose to hurt me and his current actions continue to affect me. I want to move on but I feel like I’ve been treated so unfairly in all of this and I just want to be happy. But I can’t be happy because I’m still deeply attached to this person who wants nothing to do with me.

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See these fucking pussy ass colonialist cunts? Im fucking done with these cowards.

They hid behind EVERYTHING instead of just saying wtf they’re about. They hid behind religion for the LONGEST while to justify slavery, then they emancipated the slaves and later on the church like, “Oh yeah that was WRO N G! Black people and white people can praise together now cause God loves A L L!” 

Then they oppressed women and hid behind religion and after women got righte they were like, “OH YEAH! THEY CAN BE I N D E P E N D A N T NOW! WE STAN!”

Now it’s the lgbtq+ community- and I’m like BITCH swallow an ENTIRE D I C K ALREADY so you can StOp TaLkiNG. 

And then minorities fucking cling so hard to religion and I get it, I respect it, Jesus is my wholeee man, but that religion is not for you. It was built BY you, yes, Jesus was a man of colour, but it was not built FOR us, as it’s foundation was managed by the white supremacists of that time and was used to oppress other races. Most of the pictures of Jesus and most saints and angels in these churches are white, even though it’s not an accurate representation. They changed that to fit their own agenda and if they can do that to the FACE of it all what else could they have changed? 

Then those SAME black people will drAG other people for their religion which was made by them, for them, PARTICULARLY other black people who worship in christian denominations that have taken the initiative to reclaim and incorporate their african and local culture and heritage. In T&T we like to drag Shouter Baptists and call them satan worshipers and I will personally fight the entire county over this shit if I have to.

Most christians don’t know about Lilith, the first wife of Adam before Eve that is cannon in Jewish and Islam text, most christians don’t know that the story of Lucifer’s fall from grace was a myth that was added due to a craze of the time of it’s conception, most don’t realise that the bible was translated from several different religions and that some text could have been mistranslated, most can’t fathom how not EVERYTHING in the bible is SUPPOSED to hold up to date BECAUSE JESUS THE L I T E R A L FACE OF THE CHURCH SAID SO. “My father has given you ten comandments, but now I give you two; Love your neighbour as yourself and love the Lord thy God.” The most IGNORED fucking lines of the ENTIRE book for CENTURIES.

Yes I love all and keep God’s word, but the Africans are demon spawn-
Yes I love all and keep God’s word, but women must bow to my will-
Yes I love all and keep God’s word, but the gays need to burn in hell-

I can’t speak for other religions but that’s my tea on christianity. My God is black, fuck the white man.

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Being in an older fandom is hell because theres older guys in it who throw a fit when any character is headcanoned as gay or something that’s not straight and cis. Hell even if someone draws ship art of two characters from the series they’ll attack the artist.

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aanauText

i technically HAVE a danny phantom sideblog to spam shit but im in a mood (yearning for a reboot again) and feel like spamming my main with some of my favorites

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the fact that an adult “called out” a teenager for posting a tik tok with her in a bikini on a HOT beach on a HOT island grosses me out. dude, she’s on vacation and she’s going swimming. she isn’t trying to please older men or women. she’s wearing NORMAL beach attire. you’re sick of you saw something sexually attractive in a child when you’re an adult.

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Mildly upset bc in my true-to-self unmedicated state I bought hair dye online bc I can’t stand having black anymore (also some threats of violence from voices but that’s another story) and tracking info said it’d be here today within a certain time window and it’s 2 hours until that window closes And it’s not here and I’m in that kind of mood where If I can’t make the changes I wanted to I’m going to impulsively shave off the hair I’ve spent nearly a year growing out and I’m just really frustrated and feeling trapped.

I know everything I’m feeling is irrational rn but none of my coping mechanisms are working again (big surprise!) so I can’t get my mind off it and of course that’s just making it worse Haha

Also mildly scary because this is the first signs that my mental health is about to take a big dip and I still can’t find time to make a dr appointment to get my meds refilled and the year-anniversary of my last inpatient stay is coming up (in 5 days!) and it’s freaking me out bc I feel like I’m gonna black out one day and wake up in the fucking hospital again.

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I’m used to no Eren at this point, so it wasn’t a disappointment really. But yes, I think the worst part about this chapter was the whole Shadis and Magath thing. I just…don’t like how their interaction was written at all, mainly because the whole “Magath is a changed man” thing was so cheap to me. I wish Isayama kept at least some of the main characters from each group siding with their old beliefs. It’s kinda unrealistic that they’d all change for the “better”…

Anyways, as I’ve ranted about in my chapter thoughts, the whole “comrades will die” line was really infuriating but I guess we better get used to the 104th’s bullshit. 

As for Falco, I’m starting to change my mind a bit about his Titan form. I just think his debut panel did his design dirty…cause it really made him look like Zeke lol. The claws are pretty cool in any case. 

You’re right about Hanji’s lines being weird. Like, how do they even know all that lol. I guess they really learnt their geography in the past 4 (?) years.

Gabi’s excellence was annoying as always, but nothing will top her beheading Eren so precisely so this was nothing in comparison. However, I will actually commit yeet-myself-out-the/window if Gabi ends up being the one to kill Eren. I was talking to a friend about that today, and we both agree that’d be the height of too much. 

Armin, I have nothing to say about except that I’m still done with his hypocrisy. 

Lastly, thanks for the well wishes. I am feeling much better 😊 (although that might change considering the kind of asks I’ve been getting with this new chapter—and I don’t mean yours).

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I will never be pretty. Or beautiful. Or gorgeous. There’s girls out there who are breathtakingly beautiful and I’m not one of them. I don’t fit a beauty standard. I’m completely flawed. I will never be on the cover of a magazine or get a thousand likes on a selfie. No one is going to stop in their tracks when they see me. There’s nothing special about me. I can never be loved. If you say you like me, I will think it’s a lie. I will eventually push you away when things get serious because I will think you deserve better. Someone prettier, someone smarter, someone who’s actually beautiful inside and out. That’s not me. I’m the opppsite of flawless. I’m all flaw. I’m a mess. I feel sorry for everyone who has to know of my messy existence. I want to disappear. I just want to be beautiful. I wanna look like them. Like those girls they call angels. I’m so tired of living in this body. Having to look at my face and body every day is torture. Every day I just keep getting uglier and uglier. I hate it here I hate it here I hate it I hate it I hate it here

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Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can fucking burry me.
All throughout slavery colonialists began to instil twisted thoughts into the minds of the slaves and other white persons alike that the Africans deserved this treatment. They used black and white as a means of isolation of these people and used things like religion to justify their agenda, “The devil is black, God is white.” 

These lies have become twisted truths that have carried over into our society in later years, up to the present date as the later generations of white spread black propaganda, as black persons now are viewed as violent and poverty stricken, as ‘nappy’ hair is viewed as undesirable, as darker skinned black persons are ostracized and lighter skinned black persons are praised. 

We see how this narrative has also affected the view of black persons in other ethnicities around the world, as this is also the case in hispanic and asian societies, but it is particularly heartbreaking how it divides black persons from themselves and assign labels on each other with negative connotations. “I only date light skins.” “You’re ratchet.” “You’re ghetto.” “Your hair is so nappy, why don’t you straighten it?” 

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Silence isn’t consent.
Captured and bought Africans were forced into a position of submission by colonialists who instilled the narrative into them that if they’re peaceful, they’ll be better off. So for decades they obeyed, they did as they were told and in return they were met with abuse, starvation, rape and death. Things only changed when they decided to make a statement. 

Violence isn’t the answer, but sometimes it’s the only way.

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