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#ranting
ihniText

I have two keyboards at home, for my computer. On one, the space key is stuck. On the other, all keys need to be SMASHED IN VERY HARD. I hate them both. I need a new one. 

Which means I will have to walk downtown tomorrow, and find a place that sells them, and go into a store and buy one. :(

I don’t want to.

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I hate being trans. It complicates so much and i felt like i was complicated before too, cause i was always the “difficult child” growing up. I had diagnosed ADHD and was likely misdiagnosed with “boarderline” bipolar disorder and then medicated for both. It was put on Adderall and Trileptal at the same time and it made everything worse and instead of recognizing that they just kept upping my doses until finally at 16 i had enough i and very firmly put my foot down, i haven’t really been medicated since and that has been… very difficult for me and family just keeps telling me i need to suck it up and figure it out, i know what i need to do, but at the same time i fucking can’t get the help i need because i have no fucking money, no transportation fucking nothing i don’t even have a home anymore because i had to move out of my apartment in Reno because the environment was just getting so unhealthy for me, and then the plans i had in place fell through once i was back near home so i stayed with my mom, and then all because i vented about some shit online “airing dirty laundry” i got kicked out and am now sleeping on the floor in my friend and their mothers low income housing trying to figure out how i am going to get money or state assistance online during a fucking pandemic that the selfish ass fucking people in america keep disregarding and making worse! The only god damn thing i have going for me is i managed to get enrolled for state insurance, but that only does so much for me. And on top of all of this i just have to be fucking trans just another fucking thing to add to the list of shit that i can’t take care of! I can hardly wear a binder because it hurts my back, i can’t use transtape or ktape because it causes my eczema to flair up within an hour and causes pain. I hardly have any clothes that make me feel good, sure they are masculine or gender neutral but they don’t make me feel good to wear. I can’t afford surgeries, and even if i could there are certain things i’m still gonna have to compromise on in regards to my body. I want to get bottom surgery, but i also want to still keep my vaginal canal,which is possible, but i would have to forego a urethral lengthening which is a major part of the reason i want the surgery in the first place because of all the things i could want out of having a dick i want the ability to stand while taking a damn piss, but if i want that i have to take away my preferred hole for sex, cause while i don’t mind ass stuff it is not my favorite, and maybe once i’m in proper treatment for my mental health stuff that’ll change but as of right now it kinda grosses me out and makes me anxious cause of all the things that can go wrong.


I feel angry, i feel abandoned, and i feel very alone…

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A part of me thinks I was prettier when I was 18 😕

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2016 was a good year for me. I had more friends, went out lots. Got invited to three different formals and it was all before I met my verbally abusive ex haha

Honestly I think my life went down hill after dating him 🤐


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So i have watched ep 16 of the tale of the nine tailed and im emotionally DRAINED! Im so happy for LEE YEON and JI Ah but POOR LEE RANG😭😭 IM SURE THERE WAS OTHER WAYS TO KEEP HIM ALIVE ! OR AT LEAST LET HIM SAY GOODBYE PROPERLY ! 😭😭 Also THE LAST SCENE WAS SO COOL AND UNEXPECTED I LITERALLY SCREAMD! Lowkey wanted to see lee yeon and jiah’s baby or at least pregnancy or reveal of her pregnancy ! I Honestly recommend this drama eventhough the death of LEE RANG destroyed me but still it’s an amazing drama ! The cast, chemistry, story ❤ . Definitely one of my top favorite dramas✨ JO BO AH was like a discovery to me and SHE’S AMAZING ❤ LEE DONG WOOK AND KIM BUM DO NOT DISAPPOINT ❤ LITERAL KINGS❤✨✨✨ and now im gonna go cry and think about how im gonna survive now that this drama ended and START UP IS NEXT 😭😭😭

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Toxic positivity

Yes, it’s real

Now I know most of you won’t read this, but oh well.

Most people say “good vibes only” or “positive vibes only” because they don’t want anybody that’s feelings any kind of negative emotion to be around them. Why? Because they consider it to be toxic. Makes no fucking sense. What you’re basically saying is that you only want people to be happy and feel happy.

I can’t believe you really cut people off because of “good vibes only” Maybe try being a good friend by supporting the person in need by saying: “Is there anything I can do to make you feel better?” Or “what’s wrong, maybe we can figure this out together.”Or what you can also do it shut your fucking mouth because that makes you a bad friend or should I say “toxic.” You won’t even take the time to support or comfort your friends cause then it’s not “good vibes.”

It honestly baffles me that these are people’s beliefs. Holding in all that shit, all of those negative feelings IS NOT HEALTHY. Let that shit out! Go find friends who support you. We need to normalize our feelings! You are not being negative or toxic, you are having an emotional reaction to a situation that is making you carry these feelings! Let it out. I am here for you.

I said what I said. Unfollow me or keep scrolling if you don’t like it.

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I have returned, after a thousand years!

I’m really sorry for not posting anything in so long, I got really burn out, I think it was partially for trying to get use to my new job, but also because here was an emergency and I had to spend all the money I had save for my tablet on food.

Everything is fine now, don’t worry, but that really hit my motivation.

Another thing that I realized while taking this break is that I think I was starting to see this as a chore, not something to do for fun, and I don’t want that, I don’t want drawing to become something that I dread, so I will try a more relaxed approach from now on.

I will spend more time simply drawing for fun, for myself, while only posting from time to time.

And how knows, hopefully now with my new job the time for a new tablet may be sooner than later.

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how do we get one life and what we as humans decide to do with it is make it 70% work / bills / money driven and 30% free time / sleeping? like when u put in perspective the fact that LIVING ISNT FREE……….. we literally made up the idea of money and now it rules EVERYTHING.

the majority of humanity spends their whole life stressing about school so u can have a good career, then when u get the career, u don’t like it but it makes u money so u spend 40+ hrs of ur week not liking ur life and the rest is sleeping and binging.

IF WE ONLY HAVE ONE LIFE WE SHOULD BE LIVING IT TO THE ABSOLUTE FULLEST NOT STUCK IN A JOB. TRY NEW THINGS LAY IN BED ALL DAY PLAY VIDEO GAMES FOR TWO DAYS STRAIGHT IF THATS HOW YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR LIFE YOU SHOULD BE ALLOWED TO DO THAT. OUR ONE LIFE IS WAY TOO VALUABLE TO FOCUS ON SHIT THAT DOESNT MAKE SENSE.

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…no, but seriously, that ‘Cloud Control’ episode has made me realise something:

Great as TrollsTopia and The Beat Goes On have been, the animation crew have gone too far with how they’ve been treating Cloud Guy’s character. In the original movie, and in some of the earliest episodes, he more or less had a reason to push Branch’s buttons - but now he’s literally bothering Branch just for the fun of it.

Why, though? What other reason does Cloud Guy have to want to pester Branch (and various members of the Trolls Tribes) any further than he is now? His “Annoy-aversaries”, I feel, really have crossed the line here.

Apple of My Ire’ (S8) is another example of how infuriating Cloud Guy has become. Everyone else in the animated series has had some form of character development or had to learn a lesson (that has actually stuck). This could have been another example of such a thing - and instead, they threw a complete 180 towards the end…literally what just just happened with ‘Cloud Control’.

I don’t know if anyone from the writers team reads every comment online, but I do want to say this:

If they want to make Cloud Guy redeemable, let’s have more episodes like ‘Two’s a Cloud’ (S5) - where he’s not always in control; where he actually learns a lesson; where he can grow and develop; and where he’s not always a prankster every time he makes an appearance. Because right now, in my eyes, he’s in danger of becoming another “Creek” - one-note, annoying and (dare I say) manipulative.

And them’s my Two Cents.

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I decided to try to find pages of my deleted blog and I was successful at it, and found out I can access some of the archives too (granted a lot of the links are dead ends). I found a post that captured my attention. It was a long blog post about my older ex (who was basically a pedophile and I was a child and didn’t even know better).

Long story short, it was just this long post about drama in my life and having to hide him because ‘people don’t understand’. I wish I could just smack the shit out of my younger self. I’m happy I left before I could get really hurt or worse. I don’t even know why but my stomach is turning at myself at the thought of falling prey. Obviously I didn’t forget about all of this, but I didn’t remember being so angry at the world and wanting to escape, even if it meant running away with someone who could’ve potentially hurt me.

I went on about how hes so perfect and amazing, and gushed about how he called me beautiful and wanted to kiss me. What I didn’t realize I was touch starved and neglected at home and just wanted someone to call me beautiful. I think it was around the same time my mother got me a dieting book for my birthday (and I wasn’t even that fat…) I was so desperate for someone to take me seriously and think of me in a different way. 

If I ever have a child (which I probably wont) I hope that they feel loved enough to never feel like they need to fall for people who just want to prey on them. I hope I can make them feel like they don’t need a person to feel worthy, and choose better people than I did. I went through a lot of shit to get to the right one. I’m thankful for what I have and what I had to do to get here, but still. 

TL;DR: I found a blog entry of my pedo ex bf from when I was a literal child, and I am now disgusted with my past for how I was. 

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Tired

Good lord I’m tired. I’m tired all the time. I’m tired of feeling tired. Being tired is making me into a pessimist. I thought of writing as a way of bringing myself up a little but… Well, nope.

SO said I should choose my battles better, but I can’t tell him I’m losing in all fronts. I’m desperately hugging the crumbles of success I find. I’m tired of doing more than requested BUT it turns out now everyone expects me to give my “extra mile”.

I’m feeling so cold and detached right now… I feel like everything is going to be okay just because I no longer have any feelings for me.

Am I irreversibly a pessimist now? I hope not.

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Ok imma vent for a second because, how do people know how to kiss? Like i’m 16 and I’ve never even dated anybody let alone kiss somebody and I was alright until I realised that I’m about to start university (in fact, I have already started it but that’s a long story) and I haven’t done any of those things and like,, I wouldn’t even know HOW to do any of those things? Do people naturally know? But then if that’s not the case and if teenage years were supposed to be for practicing that sort of stuff and gaining experience then I had none and now potential partners would expect me to know how to do any of that stuff and I don’t and ajsmsjdjjdjdjd

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https://emmatsubakimiyomi.tumblr.com/post/636328421300092928/rules-each-letter-must-have-15-sentences-and-you

To my crush

I don’t know if I’ll ever get to say this to you in person, because despite my actions, I am quite shy and insecure, but I think you’re amazing. I honestly don’t know you too well, and I’m not saying I love you, but I definitely want to get to know you more. I think you’re hilarious and you always make me laugh. I can’t help but smile around you. You aren’t exactly the nicest person in the world, but I like that about you. You aren’t afraid to say what’s on your mind. And you may say that you’re ugly, but you’re not. I’d explain why, but then you’d know it was you, if you don’t already. I always thought you were physically attractive before I met you. I say this because my interpretation on how attractive someone is, is determined by both what I feel about them and my interest in my childhood (cartoon/anime) crushes — But moving on. I’m too afraid to say it, and maybe that’s because of the childhood wounds left behind by the people I’ve had crushes on who, some intentionally and some not, rejected me in the absolute worst ways. Despite this, I wanted to say it and put it into existence one way or another. So here it is. I may avoid eye contact with you a lot, but that’s because I’m afraid that you don’t even feel the same way, and that I’d just make you uncomfortable. I’m really sorry. But even if you don’t like me that way and you realize I’m talking about you, then just realize you’re not ugly. I’m not the violent type, but I swear on behalf of all my sanity, I will slap you if call yourself ugly again.

Love, EmTsuyomi

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