looking at the 'midseason trailer' and seeing roman fighting his siblings, roman shitting on gerri, roman working for fascists, roman walking proudly through ATN like logan did just two days prior... it's not surprising, but it is fucking sad.
logan's death will not free roman. instead, it will reforge the chains he's worn all his life, casting them in iron -- that's what roman deserves for thinking, for the first time in his life, that maybe he wants the chains off. that's what roman deserves for killing his father by not loving him enough, by not loving him correctly or at the right times. logan's death will not free roman at all. if anything, it will imprison him.
(as always, this got very long, so keep reading under the cut!)
this was the worst case scenario for roman. not just logan dying, but the exact way everything played out. he betrayed his siblings, he fired gerri -- for nothing. he could have been on the plane with his father in his last moments -- he refused. his last interaction with his father was leaving logan a voice message that called him a cunt -- the first time roman has ever, ever, questioned or stood up to his father, and also the last. we don't know what killed logan. we probably never will. but god if it won't feel awfully coincidental to roman: the one time he fought back against his father or even showed the slightest hint of doing so, his father died. is it likely that logan heard roman's voice memo and keeled over because he called him a cunt? no. but is it just as possible as anything else? entirely. roman might have killed his dad. roman murdered logan when he could've been on the plane with him holding his hand, if he were a good son. he didn't even tell logan he loved him. not that he needed to, it fucking oozed from his every pore and the desperate nature of that love was one of the reasons logan could never quite stand him -- but that's not the point. roman's one attempt at agency, at setting boundaries, at standing up for himself killed his fucking father.
logan dying would never have been good for roman, at least in his current state, no matter how the actual death came to pass. people often talk about abusive relationships as if the end-all-be-all fixer to abuse is independence, and it's not. independence isn't always enough to heal, especially not when it's forced upon you rather than something you choose. this is especially true for roman, i think. what roman needed was not just to gain his own independence, but to realize that independence and love are not mutually exclusive, that gaining one does not mean losing the other. logan's always hammered in roman's weakness, his wrongness; roman was never someone who deserved to be loved on his own terms. roman's never considered himself to be someone with agency and authority in his relationships -- he's been told over and over again that he isn't a real person, that there's something deeply wrong and unfixable in him, and he believes it. he's never set boundaries with his father or even his siblings because i don't think he really realizes he has the power to do that. he's simply there until people decide they no longer have use for him or want him around, and he'll always come crawling back after a kick because he doesn't realize he's not on a leash -- that he doesn't need to be on a leash. independence has been unreachable all his life, he isn't normal or real enough to be a real normal independent capable person, but if he grovels and shows his use enough, then maybe he can be loved. but his dependence and loyalty is all he's good for. independence means no love, no family, no relationships. and roman desperately wants, needs, those relationships in a way that none of the other characters do (or at least can admit to) -- he wants his father in his life, no matter what; he wants his siblings in his life, no matter what. but independence, being his own person, separating himself from logan's side means he'd lose everything else, everyone else. he's not good for anything anyways. it's not like he has other options.
...until the start of season four. that's why this is all so tragic -- more than anyone else, it seemed like roman was on the road to healing. it seemed like he was finally realizing that independence and love might not be as mutually exclusive as he's been made to think: maybe he could be independent while still having a relationship with his siblings and even his father. maybe he could have his cake and eat it too. he's realized that he's capable, that he has his own worth, and that he can be successful without living under logan's thumb -- and, more importantly, could still text him on his birthday and try to rebuild a relationship, this time outside of business. outside of "that room" in waystar royco. an actual fucking family relationship. that's what escaping the cycle would look like for roman — not complete separation, not a metaphorical killing of his father, but the ability to live alongside him, to have a life outside of him, to love his father without living for him. so simply removing logan from the equation wouldn’t help roman, not when what he needs most is to realize that self-respect is not mutually exclusive with love, that being your own person isn’t a betrayal, that family and love aren’t dependent on how low you can kneel and won’t be whisked away the moment you stand up. and for the first time in his life, it seemed like he was on track to discovering this. maybe he and the siblings could have the hundred, logan could keep going with atn, and in a few years down the line they'd all get together to talk shop and joke around and coexist -- for the first time, he had started to think of himself as enough of a real, okay person to be allowed to coexist with his family, rather than naturally subordinating himself in every interaction.
roman could’ve been his own person, could’ve escaped the cycle, could’ve started a business with his siblings and tried to heal, but now he won’t. he can’t. roman can’t become his own person now, not when his first attempt to do so is exactly what killed logan. it’s his fault. he fucked up and now there’s no dad. he gained his independence, but at what cost? love. that’s the cost. it always has been and always will be. nothing could be more detrimental to roman roy than the exact series of events that occurred in this episode, because just as he started to see a world beyond his father, logan dies -- proving once and for all that the only world beyond logan is one without him in it at all. that’s been roman’s fear all along and why he’s stuck so close to his side: roman loves and loves and loves and is terrified, terrified, of death. of loss. but in a moment of 'weakness,' roman wobbled (he tried to stand up to logan rather than just taking the kicks as he's supposed to, as he always has), and his father paid the ultimate price. there’s no more dad. there’s no reviving him.
…unless, of course, there is. unless roman can undo his error by choosing his father again, and again, and again. becoming logan is the closest roman can get to resurrecting him, after all. and besides, doesn’t he owe it to dad after killing him? after calling him a cunt, choosing not to be with him on that plane he ended up dying on? after forgetting to even say “i love you dad” before the end? roman needs to fix things. needs to make it like dad's still here. needs to make it like he didn't kill his own father by refusing him for the first time in his life. so roman will be the firebreather logan wanted -- he'll do ATN, he'll push for mencken, he'll do whatever it fucking takes to try and make things right. if it's his fault logan's no longer here, then he needs to do everything he possibly can to fulfill his dying wishes, to do what logan would've done, were he alive.
"dad can't die, he's dad." he can't ever die. he's immortal, and his immortality was solidified by the circumstances of his death -- logan will not die. he’ll live on in roman, as roman.
roman will make sure of it.
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It occurs to me as I was recently rewatching Chiantishire that something I didn’t pay attention to the first time around is how Caroline handles discussions of the past, particularly the Logan-Caroline divorce and its aftereffects. Unlike Logan, who basically bulldozes his way through memories to reconstruct a future he can handle, Caroline’s engagement in ‘the past’ seems dependent on who she’s talking to.
Long Caroline-Shiv-Kendall post beneath the cut.
I get the sense from Chiantishire that Shiv wasn’t very aware of the details of the divorce. She didn’t really know how or why Caroline left – just that her mother wasn’t there. And in her absence, Logan’s narrative became Shiv’s truth: Caroline didn’t want her – didn’t even care enough to fight to keep her in her life. So fine. Shiv doesn’t want her either. And in Italy, she let Caroline know that.
And then something interesting happens - Caroline actually engages. She admits that she wasn’t the greatest mother in one breath and brandishes a verbal knife with another. “I may have been a bit of a spotty mother but you’ve been a shitty daughter.” It’s vicious all the way around, but it’s a kind of mutual wounding. It’s a conversation. The past is painful, but it’s open for renegotiation. Because underneath it all, there’s the heart of something still alive between the two of them.
But with Kendall...with Kendall there’s nothing left to engage in because the distance is already too great.
In the cut scene from Pre-Nuptial, we get this gem:
Here, Kendall tries to forgive Caroline for the same “abandonment” Shiv brings up in Chiantishire, but it’s met with a very different response from Caroline. Instead of an acknowledgement of being a “spotty mother,” Caroline goes on the offensive. She presses him on the double standard he’s applying to her because this is an old hurt, one that has its roots in how Kendall is always Logan’s, even when he’s privy to details that should make him think differently.
There’s an underlying implication in Caroline’s response that suggests Kendall has much more of a picture of what led to the divorce than Shiv does. As the oldest, the heir, and Logan’s sometimes confidant, Kendall would have likely had a front row seat to the breakdown of his parents’ marriage. To the moment Logan banished Caroline from her children’s lives. And while he might not have known everything, to Caroline he was capable of knowing the difference between leaving and being pushed out.
And her son’s blame? It’s not unexpected. Kendall has always been Logan’s. Was stamped with his father’s name from the moment he was born. But that doesn’t make it sting any less when her first born, the one she sees her temperament in, sides with the man forcing her out. And while I think Caroline and Kendall weren’t particularly close before the divorce, I can imagine this being the fracture that was never set. An injury that never quite healed right, unable to support the weight of a relationship from that point forward.
Sure, Caroline will coo when she sees him. But that’s because she loves all of her children – including Kendall. Because no matter what, she really does want to be in their lives. But she won’t engage with him the way she will with Shiv because there’s a world of difference between Shiv, who has the ability to one day understand her, and Kendall, who has already chosen not to. So really, what is there left to say? Kendall’s made it clear; he’s chosen to become his father’s creature, to adopt his narrative and echo his actions – and Caroline can’t stomach suffering his blame. But with Shiv? Maybe some day, if they keep at it, they’ll end up on the same page.
As a general note, these relationships are obviously super complex and have a lot more going on than just musings about the divorce so to save this from getting too long and disorganized, second and third parts on Shiv and Caroline and on Kendall and Caroline already in the works haha. Will go back and link them all together as they’re written and posted. If you made it to the end – thank you for listening to the ramblings of an insane Carolinegirl.
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