Cassandra about to slice a maid's face with her sickle: hehe
Maid: I swear to Mother Miranda's cult if you don't step away from her I will kick your ass out into the Romanian winter faster than your mother can down a bottle of wine
Cassandra: You're not the boss of me
Maid: No but the castle's alcoholic is and she wants the maids alive and healthy until she can replace the dead ones after last night's fight
Cassandra: bitch
Maid: oh I'm sorry, do I remind of your uncles failed experiments? No? Then leave before your mother cracks the tile with her shoes chasing after your sorry ass
Cassandra: alright, geez. No need for death threats
Daniela sneaking around in the dark like a dollar store batman: *sneak*
Maid: *unimpressed as she's trying to peacefully drink her tea in the kitchen* you know I can see your flies right?
Daniela: *hisses as candlelight is blasted in her eyes* what are you doing up after curfew!?
Maid: I could ask you the same question little miss ninja. I won't because I can see the arm in your hands but I also want to know why you're sneaking
Daniela: mother said I wasn't allowed any more late night snacks after the Irma incident
Maid: ah, I see. Well, goodnight
Daniela: you aren't going to tell mother?
Maid: I don't want to lose both my job and my life for staying up three hours past curfew and name calling. I'm already on thin ice after the Cassie thing
Daniela: Cassie thing?
Maid: it's better if you don't know. Besides, I'm willing to do a I won't tell if you don't tell kind of thing
Daniela: *holds out arm that isn't hers for a handshake*
Maid: no, I will not shake hands with Sheila's detached arm. I can tell because her bracelet is still on there
Alcina: *catches up to them and picks them up like a child*
Maid: hey Alci, how's your near immortal life been recently?
Alcina: my daughters are now traumatised
Maid: I wonder who did that? Mother Miranda's been looking a bit suspicious recently
Alcina: (maids name), you are going to hell
Maid: and you're not?
Alcina: *tosses her over her shoulder and starts walking off with them as the ground keepers watch with concern for the maid*
Maid: is this really necessary?
Alcina: you threatened to kill my caring Cassandra, called my darling Daniela an awful name and then scared my beautiful Bela by mentioning your parents are dead without an ounce of grief
Maid: it's not my fault they're dead
Alcina: *puts her down in the main hall* are you feeling alright?
Maid: I'm fine
Alcina: right, well, go and sit in your room until dinner and think about what you said
Maid: you sound like my mother
Alcina: I am your boss, I control your paycheck, now go before I change my mind and our you on dungeon duty
Maid: fine, I'll go and stew in my non existant misery
What does your husbando/waifu/nonbinary barbie-crotched S/O says about you?
TW: slight teasing,but oh well...., also nsfw themes and swearing ( sowwy)
TEAM FARTRESS 2
Scooter/weanie man: complete morosexual or the unhuman need to take care of Boston inhabitants with room temperature EQ ( en englais: you have the mommy/daddy/parent kink and you want to show that boi all the love he deserves)
Soldier: you are a human carpet ( sub) or so Dom my sibling in Christ I am terrified. You think his bravery/randomness is endearing or you got roped in by every tumblr/wattpad headcanon potraying him as the ultimate beefcake ( cant argue with you, mofo built like a brickhouse on steroids without the roids.)
Pybro: A. you are a nonbinary peep and any nb representation makes your ovaries/balls/reproductive parts COMBUst with excitment. B. intense latex/leather kink with slight burn/wax play on main. I am both afraid and faschinated by your ability to flesh out on a person we barely know the most basics of their personaility, Godspeed you allmighty bAstERD <3
eNGIe: cowboy appreciator, daddy seeker and parental figure creamer connesuer, you fell in love with the ( here ) so much you actively search and look out for the gruff, wrench handling and guitar-playing texas man of your dreams. No matter your gender or sexuality engie hits that hotspot only the daddiest of daddies hit !
Heavy: rare breed of bear enjoyer, probs an older sibling that wants to make the older sibling ( tired, unhydrated and slighty (( extremely)) in need of therapy) pair. Probably not a huge shipper since you view HeavyMedic as more of a platonic pairing, or you are of the rarest Medicx Reader x Heavy poly sandwich. Please dont hug him too tight, hell hug tired and make your eyes pop like a cheap pop eyed toy.
Demo: contrary to popular belief, you are not a bbc enjoyer/seeker, Demoman isnt just a sextoy to you. He is just the only level headed person you see in a team of morons ( for u) or manchildren with murder tendencies and well, JUST LOOK AT HIM, HE IS BUILT WITH ABBS LIKE A WASHBOARD AND LOVES HIS MOM, HE IS NOT HUSBAND MATERIAL. HE IS SOULMATE/LOVE TILL DEATH ( WONT DO YOU PART, HE KNOWS MAGIK TO RECITATE YOU) , PLEASE I SALUTE YOU YOU GLORIOUS TAVISH ENJOYER!
Medic: WE GET IT HE IS HANDSOME AND SOUNDS EITHER LIKE A CHICKEN WITH A TOP TIER DANTE DEMON OR HOT GERMAN GILF! Please dont canoodle him so hard, youll throw out his back or break his hip. Also very questionable kinks ( i see you blood kinksters). You unironically are the I cAn MakE HiM So MUch WorSE squad and you scare me.
Sniper: yes he is the ratman ofyour dreams and yes he is also really pretty, but please stop treating him like a man who aint also a hired killer. Yes he wont even think to correct his Macas orders, but he will and can make you swoon so hard you look redder than Pyros suit, mans gots that outdoors, unshowered , rugged swagg and he is rocking it harder than the fricking 80s <3 <3
Spah: yesh you have a french kink, yes you want him to whisper in your ear soft french while he btters your bagguet, probably into dilfs or gilfs in the distance because none is a dilf /suave/sensual enough for you. ( perfume isnt a shower, go to shower now, mon petit coucou
RESIDENT EVIL VILLAGE ( or the bimbofied RE4)
Lady Alcina Dimitrescu: a cis male/ a sapphic soul/trans,enby vagabond who respectfully wants to drown while motorboating he absolute units of bazoongas. Perhaps slight size kink and perhaps a person who doesnt mind a good blood slurped by their F! S/O if their tumm had the ramblies. Please dont go overboard, or youll enter the unholy assemblange of vore/stuffing kink irl
Donna Bienevento: creepypasta kid, you unironically got spooked first time you read Jeff the Killer. Probably into some questionable types of literature, hardcore horror enjoyer who also has a sanrio addiction. You have tried some kinds of handcraftmanship and might even have some hobbies that involve handiwork. I applaud you, but please dont give the basement FEOTus monster your choccy milk, itll have the zoomies and knock of angies card-castle.
Salvatore Moreau: the epitome of I can fix him! peeps, probably slight hurt/comfort enjoyer. You saw how dirty all the other treat him and you crave to make fish man happy. Both feet in monsterfuckening domain, unironically want to do the dirty while he is at monster form. Maybe you saw the Shape of Water and your brain did the thingy, but oh well, please continue on and make the lord of the reservoir the happiest fish in the sea!
Karl Heisenberg : you slimy, daddy kinked bAsterds, cant we have one game with a slight rat man with a good VA without yall flocking to him like lycans to his factory for french toast scraps??? slight bdsm enjoyer, or person who wants metal rat man happy and softened out like a soviet made breadcutter blade after a top tier professional restoration. Either way, please handle with care he may cry if you hug him the good way
The duke: an absolute chad who may or may not want to drown all your sorrows to a large, beautiful, suave man hug ( or man-thing, you never know.) You seriously deserve the world, because you be pumping fics faster than a heated political debate on Reddit. Also probably a slight hand kink, we all show those monsters at the Shadow of Rose DLC.