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My new safe. Safe as I’m not to open my mouth. I do not open my eyes. I let my hands roam within the span of the piano keys in the confines of my room. Over pages of the many books I own. I do not leave my bedroom. If I sleep then I’ve become absent. If only for eleven hours. When I wake my mouth is dry. Clamped shut and won’t open for words or food. Smelling it’s warmth is enough. Listening to the persons and things that stir around me is enough for myself. It exhausts me. Isn’t it enough to listen. And to my words I fear I wouldn’t understand the sound. I fear what lingers out behind my door. The pantry. People eating near me. Driving in town and passing fast food joints. Coming home to leftovers. When I wake in decent hours and could reach the kitchen with no one else home. What I need is to stop purging. What I need is to feel safe.

cw: unknown

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Ps. 120-125

120:
The author lives in a bad and pretty violent neighborhood that he wants out of because he just wants peace

121:
Yahweh is the ultimate record keeper and protector

122:
The writer prays for Jerusalem, where all the tribes gather to pray to God in his Temple and where David set his throne

123:
The writer et al ask God for mercy after all they have endured

124:
If Yahweh hadn’t been on Israel’s side, then Israel would’ve been wrecked and utterly destroyed
Thank God that didn’t happen (foreshadowing)

125:
The author compares the mountains around Jerusalem to God’s embrace over the earth
He does evil to evildoers and good to gooddoers

vacation day 2

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Malcolm X, Autobiography of Malcolm X
I have often reflected upon the new vistas that reading opened to me. I knew right there in prison that reading had changed forever the course of my life. As I see it today, the ability to read awoke inside me some long dormant craving to be mentally alive.
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I was trying to, besides reading “Upsetting the Balance” by Harry Turtledove, start reading “The Merchant of Venice”, but in starting to read it, it felt as though there was a lot of colour missing from the words, that left the voice I read with in my head sounding as drab as Ben Stein in Ferris Bueller’s day off. My usually robust imagination failed me for once. So I couldn’t get into it and barely read 4 pages in 2 sittings. 

So thinking it must be me, I sought out the free audiobook on LibriVox, but that thing, besides having subpar readers, had awful audio quality. This is not always the case, the Rime of the Ancient Mariner AudioBook on LibriVox is excellent. And so I checked out the Audiobooks on Audible, and it just goes to show free or subscription isn’t what tells in quality, because the first on Audible was terrible, everyone had such a thick accent you couldn’t tell what they were saying! It was just as bad as the LibriVox version. 

But then, Audible having multiple versions, I finally I found the Antony Sher version, listened to the sample and so signed up for the Audible free trial that I’ve been thinking about getting for literally years. & now I’ve listened to over a quarter of the book [although it’s only 90 pages-ish] in one sitting. 

& it’s really flipping good too. Lots of humour and some intrigue. 

thoughtsandreplies
thoughtsandreplies
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July 6th, 2020

Today was a fantastic day for reading 🤍 I sat down and did some reading for fun, which is something I always enjoy doing, and I also spent more time in the Bible this afternoon.

Today I studied Genesis 13 and reflected on Abram’s great faith in the Lord. What stands out to me about the historical parts of the Bible are how faithful people are to God, such as with Job and of course Abram.

It’s an excellent reminder of the fact that no matter how bad things might be in life, we should never stray from God, and always put our full trust in Him. His will is more important, and the reward is much greater in the end🤍

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anyone else kinda hashtag fucking PISSED that the libraries around them aren’t shipping their books even though you put them on hold a month ago?? no??? just me??????? okay sorry i’ll shut up

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Read 6/29-6/30

Four Stars

I’ve been sitting on this book for about a week now trying to think of what I want to say about it. I guess first I will start off by saying thank you to NetGalley for providing a free eARC of the book to read in exchange for an honest review. I did find that I liked The Damned more than I did The Beautiful. I think this is because my expectations were much lower. Part of the reason I found so much fault with The Beautiful was that it was so overly hyped up as being the book to revitalize vampires in YA novels and I found it fell very short of that mark. Due to events at the end of The Beautiful, The Damned had many more vampires throughout its pages. My biggest gripe about The Beautiful was the slim appearances of vampires, at last, in The Damned, we finally get to our sultry hedonistic vampires. Sébastien’s anger at being made into a vampire was so incredibly interesting to read. I loved all the little ways he chose to act out against his Uncle. Sébastien really felt like the star of this book. I enjoyed his chapters the most and found his storyline the most interesting as he adapted to his new life.

I really enjoyed the expansion of the world in this book. The Beautiful dazzled with its descriptions of 19th century New Orleans. In The Damned, we saw more of the supernatural side of the world. From the swamps outside New Orleans hosting all manner of creatures that cannot hide in plain sight within the city to the mysterious and deadly court of the Sylvan Vale Renée Ahdieh did a wonderful job of fleshing out the paranormal side of this world. I was really intrigued by the creatures hiding out in the swamp and the small community they had created there. I’m also always a sucker for dangerous court politics and the Fey court of Sylvan Vale was right up that alley.

Though the book was enjoyable it’s just missing something that prevents it from being a five-star read. There’s a spark that just isn’t there for me. I love the setting of 19th century New Orleans full of Ahdieh’s signature beautiful prose. The paranormal element is also right up my alley but I fear I’m just not connecting with the characters as much as I ought to. Since I’ve gotten this far it is likely that I’ll read the next book because I don’t like to leave things unfinished.

The Damned releases July 7th.

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I have to pull myself together. There’s a trick that I use more and more. In my mind I imagine a grey wall rising above me, vast and featureless, so smooth that it cheats all sense of perspective. I close my eyes and stand in front of it. I imagine it rising up and over, curling round to meet itself, so that I’m enclosed in a grey bubble the size of infinity. I’m alone. There is nothing to harm me. Nothing can get through.

Lucian Darnay in Bridget Collins’ ‘The Binding.’

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I’m currently out of work for a few weeks due to this fucking virus and while I have a little saved back, I’m not gonna be making anything for the next two weeks at least. It would mean so much to me if you guys could check out my shop, and if you can’t afford to buy anything right now (we’re in the same boat, no judgement) just sharing helps so much!

I appreciate all you wonderful angels and hope you’re doing okay and staying safe and sane!

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