#really what life is about entirely . 2 me . is catharsis .

[cielelyse]

Favourite 5 Saezuru Scenes

I recently reread Saezuru for the umpteenth time and just needed to gush about it like a crazed person who constantly hallucinates about Yashiro being happy and soOooOOooo.................

1. Why now? (Chapter 25)

These 3 panels kill me always... although it's the entire chapter 25 actually, and not just these panels. This broke me when I first read it nearly a decade ago, and it breaks me every time I reread it. I recently just listened to the drama CD for the first time and wanted to hear how this scene played out (a.k.a. wanted to hear Yashiro moan wkegh;ghwle) and I did not expect to start bawling and sobbing uncontrollably when his flashback appeared. WITH THE MUSIC AND EVERYTHING. THEY DID NOT SPARE ME. FUCK. What was supposed to be a tender and gentle and loving and intimate scene between them turned into Yashiro facing the effects of his childhood trauma -- that will never cease to hurt me. Doumeki saying "kashira, kashira, kirei" right before that broke me in a way reading that scene in English couldn't. I WILL NEVER GET OVER THIS and if I keep writing about it I'm gonna cry again so:

2. Car ride back from Kageyama's clinic (Chapter 4)

This is mostly for nostalgic reasons, really. I first read Saezuru in 2013, and I wasn't used to Yashiro at first. I didn't know what to make of him.

So what happened was that I read "Don't Stay Gold" first and was like... there's a manga about this mildly threatening and unreadable yakuza dude who's Kage's friend…? Who played cupid for him in a weird way? HMMMMM dubious, dubious. Would I even like him? It took me a while, but I finally gave Saezuru a shot anyway, and I remember feeling uncertain about Yashiro up until those panels. I remember it so starkly, because this was the instant I fell in love with him. I think it was because this was the first time I understood the depth of his loneliness (since I hadn't read his high school oneshot yet at this point).

There's just something about how Yoneda Kou-sensei draws these kinds of pages that just resonates with me so well. I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE IT. It just connects with me the way Yashiro connects with me, and that was pretty much it for me. Obsession sealed. Life signed away. For the next 10 years I would follow the story closely and routinely check every few months for updates. Yashiro became one of my only 3 comfort characters, and rereading Saezuru always gives me a catharsis and sense of peace that I didn't know how to find elsewhere.

3. "To go on living this strained existence... no longer holds any meaning to me." (Chapter 34)

This scene is one that I come back to every time I'm down. AM I A MASOCHIST? I really like the June translation too: "To go on living this strained existence no longer holds any meaning to me." I think the way the panels divided up those thoughts were brilliant!

This especially hurt me because for the entire manga up to this point, Yashiro has stated that he completely accepts himself and he's happy with who he is. It wasn't until his realization during the sex scene with Doumeki and how much he's said/done hurtful things to Doumeki afterwards -- who he considers pure and sweet and good -- that he thinks this.

4. "Falling in love feels like this" (Chapter 33)

The first time I read this, I had to set my PC down, go out to my apartment balcony, and just silently stare out into the night and resist the urge to smoke (that was half a joke) (I did feel a pang in my chest though) (and I did have to fight very hard not to smoke lwkehg;hge). I love the dialogue right after these panels too, when Yashiro said, "Your sister was lucky that you were there." That, along with Doumeki's reaction, hurt.

This was such an intimate scene between them. Yashiro was so vulnerable. So was Doumeki. I hadn't realized this until I reread Saezuru this year, but these two have always had such intimate scenes right from the start. It was a slow burn, yes, but they had always been instantly drawn to each other: Doumeki thinking Yashiro was beautiful and captivating, and Yashiro doing something he doesn't normally do with his subordinates the first time he met Doumeki. And it didn't clue in for me back in 2013, but their conversations with each other were much more intimate than the conversations they'd have with anyone else, right from chapter 1. I find that so precious.

5. Dream (Chapter 40)

I couldn't not include a scene from post-timeskip, BECAUSE I LOVE POST-TIMESKIP. I love Darkmeki and I love Yashiro and I love that the theme of post-timeskip centers around "change". Wish I could include that conversation Yashiro had with Tsunakawa about it, because I thought that drive-home was brilliant. I really appreciate that Yoneda Kou didn't have Yashiro and Doumeki get together right away after they have sex, and I really appreciate that the question was raised of: Do people change? Can people change on their own, or would you have to force them? Or are we always the same at our core? And I think the answer is of course a mixture of all of it, and that it's very much circumstantial and subjective, but I love how we're able to see the shifts in both Yashiro and Doumeki. How both men aren't quite the same people we knew pre-timeskip. Ten years ago I didn't think I would meet a version of Yashiro that wouldn't talk about sex 24/7, but here we are.

(Not to say that they're completely different now. They're still our Yashiro and Doumeki of course; I just wanted to gush about how well Yoneda Kou were able to flesh out her characters in such a complex, multidimensional way.)

ANYWAYS, I went on a rant without even mentioning these panels of Yashiro's dream. I love everything about it: Doumeki's face not showing, Yashiro running away and turning back to see Doumeki not there anymore, and that last panel of him standing in the middle of nowhere, lost and empty and lonely -- all of that was so incredibly told in pages of no words. UGH YONEDA KOU IS A GENIUS. It reminds me of that page of Yashiro looking at a mother and child in the rain; it's one of my favourite scenes too.

Honourary Mention (Chapter 4):

I should end with a more light-hearted one. THIS WAS CUTEEEE. I remember reading this for the first time and thinking Yashiro was just salty that his roleplay got ruined. But upon second reread (and maybe I'm delusional here), I thought he might've been happy to hear Doumeki say that.

We know Yashiro gets angry and irritated whenever he's happy to hear something sweet from Doumeki (like that extra when they ate together LOL), and that he had the same reaction of kicking the chair when Doumeki said he can't touch Yashiro's hair anymore. Which was cute to say. So I thought Yashiro might've lashed out in annoyance because he was glad that Doumeki doesn't mind. (I tried putting myself in Yashiro's shoes so many times trying to imagine how I would feel if Doumeki had said this............. and somehow came up with "happy" xD)

...........or maybe this was obvious to everyone and I've just been clueless. AAAAAAAA THIS IS WHY I LOVE ABOUT SAEZURU SO MUCH. It never spoon-feeds you information and lets its readers interpret :")

#saezuru tori wa habatakanai #yashiro #doumeki chikara #囀る鳥は羽ばたかない #twittering birds never fly

[heyclickadee]

Guys, I’m gonna need the fandom to stop being weird about Phee.

Okay, so, first off, I’m not back. I’m still on break; I just logged in to check on the DMs? Made the mistake of checking the tags, and happened to see some real hot takes about Phee’s line about Tech and wrote this out before my better judgment kicked in. Two things:

1. From a narrative perspective, a NARRATIVE perspective, not a character perspective, a narrative perspective, Phee’s line has the exact same function as every other mention of Tech by the characters and visual reference to him through the season so far. We haven’t seen any single character process Tech’s “death.” And by processing Tech’s death, I mean that we haven’t seen a single character come to terms with it the way we, for example, saw Omega and Tech come to terms with Echo’s departure, or the entire ghost crew come to terms with Kanan’s death in Rebels.

In refusing to show us this, the show refuses to allow the audience to internalize Tech’s death as an actual event that has consequences and is expected to stick. In addition to this, the show pokes at us at least once an episode, whether by a single line or by visual cues, to remind us of Tech’s absence. In so doing, the show refuses to allow the audience to fully let Tech go; this only makes sense from a writing perspective if the absence is temporary and the much needed catharsis after an event like the first five minutes of “Plan 99” is going to come from something other than processing the character’s death—something like letting him come back. Phee’s line is just another one of those jabs reminding us that Tech is absent.

(Before anyone comes in here saying that they’re probably mourning Tech off-screen: They probably are. That’s not the point. The point is that there is purpose in what writers choose to emphasize. They have had plenty of opportunity to show us Omega or someone coming to terms with what happened, and plenty of time to do even more than that, because not only are they willing to stop for emotional moments—half the season so far has been Crosshair’s extended emotional moment and catharsis from two seasons of buildup. I’m actually not willing to argue about this at this point.)

2. The way Phee talks here is the way that every character has been talking about Tech the whole season. She’s not unique. The Tech mentions have largely been informative and impersonal—just enough to hurt, not enough to derail a conversation. The emphasis has not been on the loss of him as a person, but instead on his absence and how that makes life difficult. Once again, from a narrative perspective, this is because getting personal with the Tech mentions leads directly into the characters actually processing their loss; and since the show is not allowing that processing to happen since it’s almost definitely bringing him back, the little, slightly impersonal mention once an episode is as far as it can go in bringing Tech up. And since it doesn’t want us to forget about him either, that’s what we end up with. It’s not bad just because Phee did it too now.

3. From a character perspective generally speaking (of the whole cast), the way the mentions work reads to me as ambiguous grief. Remember that Hunter and co. never recovered a body, never really saw any evidence, and don’t really know what happened to Tech in the end. And, speaking from personal experience, not knowing can be emotionally paralyzing and can leave you incapable of processing your loss, because you don’t know if it’s a loss or not. They come across to me as stuck and unable to to anything that we see besides noting that he’s not there. He’s gone, they don’t know where he is; he might be dead, and he might not.

4. And, speaking of Phee specifically: Phee’s mention of Tech wasn’t overtly sad, but neither was Omega’s mention of Tech back in “Shadow’s of Tantiss.” Not everyone cries every time they bring up someone they lost. I don’t. Don’t expect everyone to outwardly react the way you want them too, please.

And, frankly (this IS a hill I will die on) Phee brought Tech up out of nowhere. They weren’t talking about him. She brought him up completely unprompted in an unrelated conversation, meaning he’s on her mind, meaning that, no, she’s not over it.

PS: Do not come into my notes and bring up Fives and the lack of Fives discussion in TBB. I love Fives, I love the domino twins, but Fives was a secondary character on a completely different show with a completely different kind of narrative structure. Not bringing him up in this show is not the same as not allowing the characters or audience to process the happened to Tech.

PPS: I’m sorry if I sound salty in this. I am. This isn’t really directed at anyone I follow or interact with on her, or really anyone who follows me; this is directed at certain parts of the larger fandom that are kind of exhausting.

PPPS: If anyone comes into this post to call me delusional for still thinking Tech is coming back because that’s literally what they’ve set up on screen, they’re getting instablocked.

PPPPS: Don’t @ the cast and crew on Twitter, guys. Just don’t. Think about what they’re doing and what you’re doing, and don’t.

#fandom salt #not tagging this under the main tag #because this is REALLY salty

[muldermuse]

this is kind of a ramble so bear with me:

thinking about sending two sinners!gator into an absolute tailspin when he shows up to your house to see everything in boxes and your clothes packed up in a few suitcases by the door

he’s like ????? WHAT IS GOING ON WHERE ARE YOU GOING???? and just casually saying “skipping town” and going to kiss him and he’s like ??????

i can only imagine the catharsis of telling him that “there’s nothing in fargo for me, most of the town hates me and the ones who don’t just wanna fuck me, you’re probably gonna marry glenda which will only make everyone hate me even more if they find out i’m the other woman. So I want to live somewhere else. I’m not happy here.” and he obv freaks out

and maybe you’re just going to stay at a friends house while your place gets painted, but maybe leaving was on your mind (it’s easier to sell a house with fresh paint👀), and maybe you wanted to see how serious he was about coming with you…but none of that is any of his business…

i’m usually not an angst girlie but i’m on my period and it’s probably a safer bet to be melodramatic and pick a fight with a fictional man than one i actually know 😭😭

ok this ask made me feral, i felt so ANGSTY writing it

thank u so much for sending it through angel <3

18+ only!! Angst below the cut!! Gator is mean and reader is maybe meaner. They're both terrible people. He calls her a whore, she calls him a lot of mean names. Mentions of smut but no actual smut.

Maybe, this is super far in the future for the two sinners fic or maybe it is not canon. who knows!!! not me!!!

You’re not sure how he found out. You’ve quietly handed your notice in at work and said goodbye to the few in this shitty town you care about. Jenson, Jax and Steve have been ghosted (but you know that they’d all come back with a simple ‘you up?’ text). You weren’t going to tell Gator you were leaving- he didn’t deserve a goodbye. You’d planned to go for 3 months as your place was going to get renovated in that time (you’d been saving up for years to make it more of a home). So, you thought that the months away would be an opportunity to become a new person. A better person. Someone who didn’t fuck pathetic Sheriffs. If anyone looked in; they’d think you were going forever. You’d decided that as soon as you left, you’d block Gator and when (or if) you returned, you’d avoid him like the plague.

The U-HAUL parked in your drive probably gave it away. Or when Glenda saw you filling up your truck and made a snide comment about what you were doing. Or maybe it was when you fucked him 2 days ago he made a passing comment about how empty your home looked. Since then, the entire hall area is covered in boxes filled with your possessions. You try not to let it depress you that your whole life has been packed up in a matter of days. You need a fresh start, you’re moving in with a friend a few towns over and you can be whoever you want to be for a few months. No one there has to know that you’ve been fucking a loser in a relationship for the best part of 2 years. You know it’s him as soon as he knocks on the door, no one knocks as loud as him and other people wait to be invited in. Gator lets himself in as you’re checking your backpack one final time.

“The fuck is all this shit?” He kicks a box that’s in his way and you’re thankful you don’t hear a shatter. “Saw the U-Haul and uh- Glenda saw you fillin’ up. Plannin’ a trip or somethin’?”. He tries to sound unbothered but you know him better than that.

You don’t look at him when you tell him, “Yeah, I’m leaving”. You tell yourself that it’s because you’re checking your backpack but really it’s because you can feel the adrenaline pumping through your veins and you’re trying to compose yourself before you lose your shit.

“The fuck did you jus’ fuckin’ say?”

“Sorry, I’ll say it slower because you’re a fuckin’ idiot. I am leaving”. You draw out the last three words and stare at him. You can hear your heart thumping in your ears as you try to read the expression on his face. It’s a mix of anger, confusion, and sadness. A soft kiss his pressed to his cheek as you walk into the dining room to check your toiletries box. That’s the only pleasantry you’ll exchange with him today- or maybe ever again.

His boots stomp behind you as he follows you in. “Well, where are you goin’?”

“I’ll tell you when I’m there, Gator. Now you can fuck off back to Glenda and play fuckin’ happy families for the rest of your life”.

“Well- why are you leavin’? You’ve never mentioned this before”. His voice breaks as he speaks, either a sign he’s getting choked up or he’s getting really angry.

You can feel the anger rattling in your chest and the sound of your heartbeat in your ears becomes overwhelming. “Why am I going? Gator, everyone in this town fuckin’ hates me or thinks that I’m a total whore because of your fuckin’ bitch of a girlfriend. Who- by the way, you’re goin’ to marry because you’re too fuckin’ chickenshit to upset your crazy daddy…” You slam your hands on the table and take a quick breath, “Gator- I fuckin’ hate it here, I’m miserable and I can’t do it any longer- it’s killin’ me”.

He’s stood opposite you and fuck, does he look mad. He doesn’t move for a minute but then shoves your boxes off the table and kicks them when they hit the floor. After a few seconds, he kicks them again with more force and slams his hands on the table.

“Yeah, real fuckin’ mature Gator, breaking my shit beca-“

“What about this? What about us?” His voice is more muted than you’ve ever heard it. His breath is shuddering gasps. You’re unsure why it enrages you.

You laugh cruelly, “What us? What the fuck are you talking about? Gator, you have a fuckin’ girlfriend who you’re going to marry.”

“Yeah but when has that stopped you- huh? You can’t put this all on me. You’re jus’ as bad as me.”

He moves to stand in front of you. The energy in the room is charged, usually, when it feels like this between the pair of you, it would end in some angry sex where you’re both trying to dominate the other person but you both know that isn’t going to happen today. 

“You’re movin’ away to be a fuckin’ whore somewhere else... or because you’re jealous of Glenda. She gets all of me and you jus’ get the fuckin’ scraps”. His smile is wicked and his eyes look darker than you’ve ever seen them.

You take a step closer to him, “I couldn’t think of anything fucking worse than havin’ all of you. You’re a pathetic fuckin’ daddy’s boy who’s never won anythin’ in his life”. You get close enough to whisper in his ear, “you’re a fuckin’ loser, Gator.”

You hate how much you want to fuck him in this moment and by the red bloom that’s creeping up his neck; you know he feels the same.

He leaves your home silently. He kicks another box on his way out and you finally hear a shatter. His tyres spin as his car races off your front lawn. 

You should block his number and know that that is the end of this awful affair. 

But you both know that it isn’t.

#gator tillman fanfic #gator tillman #gator tillman smut #gator tillman angst #gator tillman fic #gator x reader #gator tillman x fem!reader #gator tillman x reader #gator tillman x you #gator tillman x f!reader #fargofx #fargo s5 #fargo season 5 #fargo fx #fargo #fargoedit #joe keery x reader #joe keery smut #joe keery #joe keery angst #two sinners works

[fancifulplaguerat]

I’m so not normal about this

The way that Artemy tries to make Daniil feel better despite not caring solely because Daniil is upset, the “you are also better-crafted than me” like Artemy is telling him not to think of himself as some worthless unloved doll because look at yourself, you’re so much more than that; just that last line the compassion the kindness in it I cannot stand this. I’m not even that into Burakhovsky in canon but this is the most romantic thing I’ve ever witnessed in my life (←light hyperbole) 

I’ve gotten too desensitized to the doll ending that I forget what a gut punch it is. That line “Strangely, there is still not a word to be heard from the Powers That Be. Perhaps they became bored of it all... or were called back home for supper” plain devastates me. Just the futility of it all, how pointless all the characters’ suffering was, in particular the healers’. Though I enjoy the theatre-framing in Patho 2, the ‘children’s game’ meta in Patho Classic gets under my skin far more, as there’s some ‘purpose’ in Artemy/Daniil/Clara suffering onstage, playing their roles for an audience. While Patho 2 implies futility with the ‘you aren’t important, you can be recast,’ that idea of ‘you are not important, and everything you did meant nothing’ hits me harder in the game framing because the healers aren’t even worth being replaced. Everything is just some kids’ make-believe that can be tossed aside when they get bored or are called away. 

But I fucking love “The Powers That Be” concept because it’s so perfectly ominous and vague. Could be anything, likely the government, but sike actually it’s two children who orchestrated your entire living nightmare. I love the subtle references to them throughout the game, too, such as a plague victim telling Daniil “I keep hearing children’s voices... the girls are crying, and the boy is laughing... We mustn’t scare them...” or Aspity asking, “Pit-a-pat, pit-a-pat... Can you hear the kids running around?” And granted this might not truly be about The Powers That Be, but it certainly feels like it could be. Or the foreshadowing on Day 1 of the Bachelor Route when Daniil asks the kids, “How did it even cross your mind... to play epidemic!” And Clara directly references them when she goes underground with Artemy, warning him to talk as little as possible so “they who are beyond the wall won’t hear you.” 

She elaborates: 

“I can only feel them. They are obscure. They are the ones in charge of everything here. They’re big but narrow-souled, trying to hide their wretchedness from us. It was all their doing. They haven’t revealed themselves yet. [...] Their time hasn't come yet. They are waiting in the wings. They will probably break into the world when it ends. Tomorrow they will show themselves...” 

I highly enjoy Measly and Thrush’s presence being all over the game unbeknownst to the player and characters (excluding Clara). 

And it creates even more futility to me because there’s no catharsis of just anger against some cruel puppet-master, like I can’t be angry with these children who are just playing. Especially how they ask, “Heal the town, please! Just look, it’s so wonderful... It’s alive and it’s our favorite one... We won’t be able to make another one like this. If it can’t be helped, then it will disappear forever. You know how much we love it?” They’re just kids who want you to save something that they love; even if they can be devious they don’t really have malicious intentions. But even their fears about losing their town aren’t real and I’m just going to go outside and start eating handfuls of dirt 

#to say nothing of the mishka's doll quest in artemy's route #pathologic #daniil dankovsky #artemy burakh #the powers that be #patho.txt

[fastcardotmp3]

tagged by my adored alex @gothbat99 to do a little self-love moment 🥹💛

rules: post five of your favorite fics that you've written and talk about why you love them. tag some mutuals so they can do the same and we can all spread some positivity about our writing ❤️

✨someone else's favorite song - 120k | rated E - I swing wildly on the pendulum between loving this fic for all that it is and wanting desperately to Fix It, but lately I've felt a lot of pride in this thing, warts and all. I went into this one thinking I was the extent of the audience for it and let the stream of consciousness muscle pull it out of me without much forethought, but ended up finding so much connection to the people reading it who felt seen or understood in some way in their own grieving processes. No matter where I am on the pendulum of feelings about this story, I am never not grateful that my own little catharsis has been able to create a sort of 'not aloneness' every time someone is kind and courageous enough to share their own stories with me in the comments 💛

✨that's just wasteland, baby! - 19k | rated E - I started writing this entirely because at the time I couldn't find any fics that really dived into what an apocalyptic Hawkins setting might look like and I wanted to READ it more than anything. It's so slice-of-life in that world and I had really so much fun building up the rules of the world and the dynamics between characters still in the fight but settled to an extent within a new normal to the point where even Steve can't even remember how long they've been doing it. 'the world ended but we're still going' is one of my favorite premises of all time and this universe is one I'm genuinely SO proud of without any equivocation about it UGH

✨how the light gets in - 29k (wip series) | rated T-E - if there are going to be one million and one versions of kas!Eddie (including my own) there HAS to be a kas!Chrissy and by god if I have to do it myself I WILL. Wheelingham is one of those things that just smacked me in the face one day when I realized the unending potential of taking a fridged girl, bringing her back to life, and making her kiss the final girl, like... COME ON. This series is a labor of love and it's truly such a joy to do a proper character study on two girls who have so much untapped potential built into their psyches. they're my babies I am holding them gently in my hands and never letting go :(((

✨METAMORPHOSES - 160k | rated E - I think of everything I've written for ST, this might be the thing that's most structurally sound writing-wise, like it's long enough that there are definitely spots it could use smoothing, but I am genuinely so proud of how it turned out and how it told the exact story I set out to tell. I love these characters, I love their little house in Indy, I love the ways they grow and regress in tandem, I LOVE THEM YOUR HONOR. Never has a vision I had at the start ended up feeling So Right to this extent and I will never stop screaming about this fic just you try to stop me 💚🐍

✨The Hawk - 10k (wip series) | rated T - "The Bear" AU that no one asked for but which I am wholly and completely enamored with only 2 'episodes' in. Another chance at a Nancy-centric story with the added bonus of getting to write so many POVs of a larger ensemble? Incoming Ronance and Lumax and Steddie and Jargyle?? Wheeler sibling dynamic exploration?? it's my DREAM tbh and it's surprisingly simple to slot our ST characters into this wildly different world because you know what! At the end of the day it's all just about family isn't it!!! UGH. Once I'm done with writing (redacted) trust that I will be launching myself back into this one full-force, I've got so many plans and I can't wait to show you all more of this world

(if you've already been tagged apologies but also) tagging! @kkpwnall @fragilecapric0rnn @judasofsuburbia @gideoncharov @figthefruitfaeth @cheatghost @stargyles @capriciouslyterminal @sharpbutsoft @hellsfireclub

#it took me a week to love myself out loud but i DID do it so!!! #dot post #dot fic #thank u alex for this lil joyful thing MWAH

[joshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh]

I've not spoken much here about not really having been enjoying Frieren that much since it started - it was definitely fine I just wasn't connecting with it quite how I hoped to, and were it not for the production I'd be off the ride already. But man I really do have to say that these past three, maybe 4 episodes? The Aura arc I guess you'd say. Has just kinda fucking sucked lol. Already rough from premise alone, let's introduce more human demons and clearly establish them as having culture and intelligence, and then we set them up as wanting to do peace talks or whatever before Frieren starts being super racist towards them and then the show bends over to justify her racism. Like yeah sure the demons are now textually evil so Frieren's in the right but by god painting sympathy towards a persecuted group and then turning around and saying "every member of this group is intrinsically evil" is like irrefutably shitty. Ideally the show would do something with the whole passage of time and winds of change thing and prove Frieren wrong but I'm not here to engage with hypotheticals so who even gives a fuck, what's in front of me is shitty.

But fine, move past that, we really shouldn't but let's do that. Now the entire basis upon which this arc operates is us the viewer knowing Frieren is A) right and B) stronger than God, so we wait for the catharsis of her being proven right and killing Aura. Which is like 4 episodes of setup by the way! And yeah I mean. She does those things. Stark and Fern get some genuinely exciting-to-look-at fights in the middle of this. Frieren confronts Aura at the end of one episode and then it takes 2 episodes to see that followed up on, most of the runtime of the latter episode being a flashback dedicated to teaching us about the fact that... Frieren suppresses her magic so demons underestimate her. Like a fucking shounen protagonist. I don't even wanna engage with this weird recontextualisation of Frieren's character that makes her substantially less interesting, instead I wanna say that Frieren suppressing her magic was established fucking forever ago and Frieren being like 1000 was established forever ago but the ultimate climax of this arc is just her saying those things to the villain and her being shocked but who gives a fuck? We already knew this. I'm not on Aura's side here like I'm not invested in her shock, and Frieren stating those things as if they're anything new to us just feels like a waste. Apparently hiding your power level is despicable for a mage but says who other than demons who I know are textually evil anyway right? For all this we don't even get a cool fight Frieren just tells Aura to kill herself and she does and we move on, that's where our 80 minutes of buildup and Aura's suspenseful prominence in the OP led to. All this arc did was waste my time and be racist man.

I just don't understand the hype whatsoever. What do Frieren fans see in this. Better yet, why aren't they mentioning any of this when selling the show to people. Frieren is a contemplative and nostalgic insight into the life of a near immortal being and an exploration of how her experience with the passage of time changes her and how the people around her react to her, as well as a thematic exploration of the impact we have after death and how people remember us. That's what people will tell you Frieren is. They won't tell you it's a shounen action series where characters suppress their power levels and where the main character gets her skirt flipped up by a kid or they make small dick jokes about a main character. Like do Frieren fans talk about this amongst themselves? Like they've gotta acknowledge it right, there's no way they just don't even talk about what the series actually is. There's no way they're so insecure about liking a fantasy action series that they try prop it up as this commentary on the human condition just to hide the scene where Stark says he looks like he pissed himself. I'll admit this last paragraph is just me being angry at "oh anime fans" and isn't really building off my more legitimate criticisms from the prior paragraphs, but idk man Frieren's just so not what I expected and even though I think I'm doing a good enough job engaging with it on its own level it's still managing to disappoint me. I really am just here for the production whoring at this point. Style over substance to the maximum.

#Frieren #11.11.23 #2am btw lol

[waytooinvested]

Fandom creators tag game

1. What sort of content do you create, and what is the thing you’ve made that you’re most proud of? Mostly I write fanfiction. Sometimes I make little needle felted character dolls. Over all proudest is probably still The Hands I Used to Touch (Call the Midwife), but for my current fandom (Supergirl) it's Forgotten, Not Forgiven, as that is my latest big project and home to all the fluffy supercorp that I need in my life (okay not in the published chapters but IT WILL BE EVENTUALLY I PROMISE)

2. What fandom(s) do you create for? Right now just Supergirl, and I have only written three fics for that one so far (but hopefully more to come!) Before that it was Call the Midwife.

3. What is your current favourite ship (or brotp if you prefer), and how controversial is it? Supercorp, ie Kara/Lena for Supergirl (I know, I’m so quiet about it on this blog you would never have guessed). It occupies an interesting space of being simultaneously entirely non controversial in that it is by far the biggest ship I have ever engaged with, while also being extremely divisive, both within and beyond fandom spaces. But I arrived here LONG after most of that had happened, and am now just happily playing in the sandpit of creative space while the bones of drama stay *mostly* buried. Always a bit of a shock when one rises up to try and kick down your sandcastle though (yes, I am aware that that is a mildly horrifying visual)

4. For your answer to question 3, are they canon? They are not (TECHNICALLY), but there is enough raw material in canon to build The São João Baptista, and that is enough for me. That and the 21,302 (and counting) fics with their relationship tag on AO3.

5. What was your first fandom, and how old were you? The first I actually engaged with other fans over was Call The Midwife in my early 20s, and that was because I snapped after seeing one too many tv lesbians get hit by a car.

6. What is your most unhinged fandom creation to date? Unhinged is not really my brand so I don't really have anything good for this one. Is Kara gets accidentally miniaturized unhinged? Or a bait and switch Lena "villain" arc? I think probably not really to either, but that's the closest I've got for this fandom so far...

7. Do you remember what started you off creating fandom content, and if so, what was it? The aforementioned incident between Delia and a car, which left her with amnesia and taken away to Wales mere moments after she and Patsy had moved in together. But I’m over it. Honest.

8. Do you let people you know in real life see your fandom creations? Not usually, I get shy about it. The exceptions are my wife (but we met via fandom so that one maybe doesn’t count) and on occasion my best friend, who talked me round by being an enthusiastic sweetheart.

9. How do you feel about fanworks of fanworks? Has anyone ever made something based on a thing you made? A few people have made fan art for my fics and it felt like the absolute highest compliment that could be paid to my writing. It was amazing to know that something I wrote meant enough to people to inspire them to go and create their own thing from it, and I loved getting to see other people’s takes on the version of the characters/story I had created. I think it's one of the best things about fandom communities! But I do understand why other people might feel differently about something they have poured so much of themselves into making, so I guess the main thing is trying to be respectful with it, crediting the source, and accepting people's boundaries. Basically I think we should all just be kind to each other and have fun.

10. What feeling do you most often try to evoke with your creations? I'm generally seeking my own catharsis through writing fix-it fic for painful things that happened in canon, so I guess a certain amount of pain followed by the eventual fluffy feel good satisfaction of resolution, but honestly I consider it a win if I can evoke a whole spectrum of emotions along the way.

11. Has someone ever paid your work a compliment (in any form) that has stuck with you, and what was it? Someone once liked my fic so much that she married me about it, so it’s hard to beat that haha. But on a more usual level, people making fanart for my fic was a HUGE one. And also just when people have left particularly in depth comments, commented on every chapter, told me they're rereading or that a fic of mine was their favourite etc... Basically just knowing that something I made has really meant something to someone gives me all of the warm fuzzy feelings, and I am very grateful to each and every person who has taken the time to tell me so!

12. What’s your favourite thing someone else has made that you’ve seen in the last 24 hours (and link it if you can find it again!) Originally I had the bouquet toss ficlet by @fazedlight here, because it just captures the characters so beautifully, but then I left this sitting in my drafts and it is now more than 24 hours ago that I saw it, so I'll add this adorable art by @awaitingrain, because LOOK AT IT! They are so cute??! Also I relate to gentle nomming as a display of affection XD

13. Give a small sneak preview of something you’re working on right now (eg a couple of sentences of fic from a WIP, a gif set theme, a small piece of a larger picture, whatever you feel happy to share) "Lena Luthor was dangling from the side of a cliff, nothing between her and the vast chasm of space below but the small jutting nodule she was clinging to to keep from falling.

How the hell had she ended up here?

Well. She knew how of course.

Kara Danvers was how."

14. Have you ever seen/read anything made by the person who tagged you? If so, what was it and what was your favourite thing about it? (pick a favourite if there are several) SO MANY!! it’s hard to pick a favourite of hers honestly because she is a RIDICULOUSLY good writer, but I’m going to go with The Next Best Thing by @cynicalrainbows. I don’t tend to read many kidfics but this one is the absolute best I have come across, she captures the child perspective fantastically well while also being incredibly engaging and entertaining to an adult reader. It is what successfully pulled me into reading Six fanfic despite (at that point) never having seen the musical. Even if you haven’t either, I wholeheartedly recommend checking it out. Or go and read her new Paperdolls fic and help grow that fandom, which I think currently has all of two people in it!

15. Do you leave comments on fandom works, and if so how would you describe your comment style? I do! I know how much I love it when people do it for me, so I try to leave comments on every chapter of the fics I read (or add tag notes for tumblr art/fic reblogs), and give specifics about what I like about it. Sometimes I just fully liveblog the fic reading experience, which is always fun. I also find it makes you engage and appreciate the work more because you’re taking your time to really think about it, AND it makes an author happy to receive (at least so I hope), which makes me happy.

16. How many works in progress do you currently have? Will you finish them all? Not counting a couple of dump documents of ideas and snippets, technically 3, I guess? One is Forgotten, Not Forgiven (Supergirl) which is my big one and will definitely be finished. The others are less certain – Storybooks and Siren Suits (Call The Midwife) is the one kidfic I have ever written, and is both my longest story at 151,020 (published) words, and also the one I am least likely to finish, because it has been stuck on the same chapter for around 3 years now. The other is Small Problem… (Supergirl) which could be counted as a finished oneshot, but I will probably end up adding further Adventures of Tiny Kara at some point.

17. what’s the longest it’s ever taken you to finish a fandom project?Well, see above re: 3 year stall on new updates. For actually fully finished and published stories I think it was around 6 months.

18. Describe the thing you made most recently in a way that is technically true, but also completely misleading. Link the thing if it’s published! Lena discovers Kara in Lex’s bed, then decides to lure her into friendship under false pretenses. Alex helps her do it. Forgotten, Not Forgiven.

19. Do you ever engage with fanworks for a fandom you’re not in? Which one(s) and how did you get into it? See above re: getting into fanfiction for Six!

20. Recommend a fan work from your fandom to your followers That’s tough because there are so many amazing ones, but I think I will go with I Guess I Live Here Now by @fabulousglitch, because it was both the first fic I really got into for supercorp and also contained everything I wish the characters could have had in canon. I know I am several years late to the party so if you are in the supercorp fandom you have probably already read it, but if you haven’t read it GO READ IT, IT’S SO GOOD!

Suggested tag list, but there are no rules here, follow your heart.

A mutual you have never actually spoken to but think seems cool @nottawriter

The most recent person whose content you engaged with (eg read a fic, reblogged art, whatever form you feel best fits) @sideguitars (and I still owe you a comment on AO3 for that!)

Someone whose content you saw via tags/reblogs and you followed them because of it @sssammich

Someone in your fandom that you think makes cool things @fazedlight

Someone in a different fandom that you think makes cool things @havaamina

Someone you always tag on things like this @cynicalrainbows

Someone you have never tagged before @thatonebirdwrites

Someone you would like to get to know better @thecasualqueer

Someone who makes art you like @pea-green (I don't know if you still do fandom drawing/writing these days, but your commissioned art is still up in my house/in my profile picture and I love it so much)

Someone who writes fics you like @fabulousglitch

#tag game #fanfic writing #fandom creators #I have only been here a couple of months so the number of people I could actually claim to *know* on any level in this fandom is tiny #So if I have tagged you and you have no interest in being tagged in things by random unfamiliar internet strangers #please accept this as the compliment it is intended as and feel free to ignore it! #If you ARE interested in being tagged in things by random internet strangers and decide to play the game #please tag me so I can see your answers! #And if I didn't tag you but you would like to play anyway please feel free to name me as your tagger if you want to :)

[nightynite]

I thought this would be neat and precise, but this kind of ended up being a ramble about the Postal Dudes and how their system works. And my interpretations of them, I guess. Anyway, if you're curious to learn about Red, Dude, and Cowboy, click the read more, because I am scared as shit to post something this long without making it easily skippable.

Let's begin, shall we?

Red: Postal 1 Dude, was the host of the system for most of childhood/teen/young adult years. After 1997, he stopped. He's extremely guarded and doesn't like getting to close anyone--something that's stuck throughout the entire system and all the years they've been alive. He's quiet and doesn't like speaking often, and will avoid talking if he can really help it. Sometimes, he'll freeze up mid-sentence and be unable to continue verbally for a couple minutes. Due to how DID works, it's most likely that Red started /existing/ during childhood, and whoever was THE original kid Dude, is no longer a thing. Red formed specifically to take on everything the kid originally had to, and was hostile, reactive, and paranoid to survive. During this time as he was growing up though, along with delusions and hallucinations, he had another voice beside him. Dude, though he has been mistaken for the Demon: Postal 2 Dude, the main host of the system up until the car crash that formed Cowboy, sometimes called Green or Three (usually by mistake, or because Cowboy got too embarrassing), and after the 11 years spent in Catharsis or whatever. The Postal Dude himself, Dude, is a rather... Combustible person. He tries to play along with the people he meets and knows, but is ultimately always dragged down into a spiral of wanting to stop living this horrible life he's in. Something always goes wrong, he has nothing to live for besides Champ, and no matter what he does, he's never been able to escape the Hell that he's been stuck in for all these years. He's mostly selfish, in the sense that he's much more likely to run from a bad situation than help out someone who's in danger--unless there's something in it for him. It's hard for him to care about others, and it's hard for him to meet anyone even remotely sane nowadays. At this point, he's just counting the days until he finally snaps. And snap he did--when he shot himself in the head on Friday and ended up in a twisted hellscape of his own making. Mad Cow Tourettes Zombies are a laughing matter in the face of one million crazy and wacked out Gary Colemans throwing fucking grenades and scissors at you from every direction. I mean, seriously, what was up with that? Were those hospital attendants or just makings of Dude's mind? What the hell was happening? And why the hell were those Colemans so strong? Where the fuck did the grenades come from Anyway, back on track: Cowboy, aka Green, aka Three, aka Loser, aka Dumbass, aka Fuckwit (I'm assuming I don't need to make it any more clear?): Postal 3 Dude, a game I have not bothered playing and instead watched a longplay of because by god, that gameplay is ass. So, he formed after the car crash, and was the first one to wake up. That brain damage mixed with a nuclear blast really does something to a guy, huh? Well, once he was back on the road and fixed up, he went to Catharsis with Champ and did... Some stuff. I'm going to say that stuff was NOT everything shown in the actual game because the story is dumb to me and i think I could rewrite it and make it more fun. Haha, that'd be cool, right? Anyway. Cowboy's the most anxious of the group. He tries to be cool and act like everything's chill and like he's in control of things, when really he's usually not. He's not prone to violence--at least not as much as Dude and Red might be--but he IS going to resort to it if he can't get what he wants in a somewhat tame way. I imagine, if he and Movie dude were to meet, they would like kiss and make out under the moonlight. Who said that Anyway, if you have anything you want to know in particular about these dudes, let me know because I love talking about all my thoughts. and Stuff.

#hi. it's red #talk to me. i dare you #postal #postal 1 #postal dude #postal 2 #postal 3 #postal 2 dude #postal 1 dude #postal 3 dude #postal game #postal 1997 #my hcs #did dude #postal did dude #red #dude #cowboy

[cyanide-latte]

TURNABOUTS FAIR PLAY what are your top five horror movies??

Aaahhh, I've been uno reversed~. Touché, darling!

The last three are in no particular order and they're all trilogies I'm counting as a set. Second place is usually subject to change at any given point in time, it just fluctuates depending on my mood.

1: Candyman (1992) - Not just my favorite horror movie, but my favorite movie of all time, period. Taking the mythology from "The Forbidden" and turning it into the story that they did? The shots, the symbolism, the casting, the sheer power of how seductive the relationship is between Helen and Candyman, the tragedy. Truly a movie for all disaster bi's out there. Helen's story and the way it's handled! This movie gave me such a triumph out of tragedy, and it's so beautiful. It holds up brilliantly, it's high art, it's everything. The 2021 sequel was also excellent.

2: Malignant (2021) - Absolutely bonkers in the fucking yonkers. This movie was made for fun and that one specific fight sequence in the police station. It's wild, it's not taking itself seriously, and yet it's fascinating to analyze and comb through. Periodically I just get hit with the need to reassess and think about elements of this movie. Maybe one day I'll get back to that fic trilogy I had planned for it. An excuse to pour my analysis into a written narrative? Perhaps...

3: Hellraiser original trilogy (1987-1992) - Is that the religious trauma talking? Maybe a little. These movies grabbed me by the throat. The first was a near-perfect adaptation of "The Hellbound Heart" and an interesting look at Clive Barker doing directorial work. I actually adore the second one to pieces. It dives beautifully into its own mythology, into revenge, into the horror of medical malpractice as well as the body horror and sexuality. Kirsty Cotton is, imo, perhaps the Final Girl of all time. I also appreciate Tiffany, she's a very good example of a positive neurodivergent deuteragonist in that movie. The third one is...WOOF~. In all seriousness though, I'd always been curious about the films since childhood (the posters and box art of the Hell Priest and the other Cenobites used to grab my attention whenever we went to the video store, Mom used to have to come find me and pull me away from "my staredowns with Pinhead") but I'd been anxious for so long to try them because I hadn't had much exposure to body horror in films. Finally gave them a shot, went "oh, huh, this isn't that bad," and then got sucked in by the movies' approach to the topics they tackle.

4: Scream original trilogy (1996-2000) - My gateway to horror, as I saw the first one when I was seven. My uncles were babysitting me and they never really worried about whatever I saw them watching. They've stuck with me my entire life and honestly they're just so damn fun. The writing is solid and while 2 and 3 have their flaws, I'll defend them to the death, they're still fun and they still work well. Sidney Prescott was my first Final Girl and she'll always hold a special place in my heart.

5: The Shining 3-part TV film (1997) - it's the superior adaptation. Full stop. Kubrick's adaptation has some gorgeous camera work, a few memorable tracks in its score and some iconic lines but it's so lacking. It misses the true heart and strength and point of the story because Kubrick went and did his own thing. The 90s made-for-tv adaptation is brilliant. It has its weak points and there's a few things that visually aged in a clunky way, but the heart is there. The catharsis and the hope is there. It moved me to tears and it gave me everything I could have asked for and more.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

Fear Street trilogy (2021) - They were fun, a lot of fun, and for someone who's never been a fan of R.L. Stine, these were still easy to enjoy. I heard about the trilogy being released and it felt like the kind of thing I remembered from childhood as far as gimmicky releases went, so each weekend, I dove onto the couch and watched them drop on Netflix one by one. I still have a lot of issues and complaints with them, dgmw, but they're a solid summer watch, they really played around with popular subgenres and I think Janiak and her cast and crew did well. One day I'll get back to my fics for this trilogy too. Justice for my girl Ruby Lane.

Us (2019) - ngl this one sat in my brain for weeks afterwards. I need to rewatch it, it's such a good psychological horror.

Urban Legend (1998) - I have a fuckoff weird relationship with this movie. Like, that deserves its own post, probably. But because I have such a weird relationship with it, I felt the need to give it an honorable mention.

Halloween (2018) - I'm here for senior citizen final girl Grandma Laurie Strode kicking ass, I love seeing a survivor reach that age and still be willing to do what it takes to survive and protect those she loves.

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974) - this is a weird one because I wouldn't say I enjoy watching it like most other movies. But it's a really interesting study piece, especially the more I read nonfiction books that go into depth and detail about the film and the time period it's contemporary to. I don't watch this movie for fun, I watch it to study, to analyze, to self-inform and to then improve my ability to apply those skills to other horror movies I watch.

#there's more there's always more and my horror movie watchlist grows ever larger all the time #answered asks #blithesharem #thoughts on horror #Cyanide speaks

[hamliet]

Hi! Do you think RWBY as a story is inconsistent in tone? It is a criticism I keep seeing around? But what exactly means to have tonal inconsistency? Can you give me an example?

Nope.

I'm actually surprised to read this. Maybe because I'm on the outskirts of the fandom, but I really would not have put "tonal inconsistency" in like, a top 10 list of things I thought people might label a flaw of RWBY's. It had honestly never occurred to me.

I'd actually call RWBY extremely tonally consistent, which is hard to maintain over 9 volumes and counting.

I'm curious if these posts elaborated at all about how or what makes it feel tonally inconsistent--are there examples? Because I can't think of one. Since I don't know, I'm going to have to speculate.

Is it about fairy tale stories dealing with death? Because every fairy tale deals with death; that's kind of the central core of the vast majority of fairy tales.

Is it because this volume certainly contained RWBY's darkest episode ever? Because it did, but the descent to the underworld and meeting with the goddess is a part of the heroine's journey. Stories always get darker before they get better. Plus, I don't see how anyone could think that the volume wouldn't get very dark considering we just tackled genocide and the sunshine character died.

I also think that Volume 9 has been extremely clear since the first teaser way back in 2021 that it would deal with Ruby's mental health. The opening line is "you should never have been born." Ruby then has a literal panic attack. She faints in horror when she's told about her friend dying.

That's just episode 1.

I guess people might be thrown by the juxtaposition of simplified life, which is the essence of the Ever After, with a complex topic like mental health? But I actually think that's quite brilliant. When you're extremely mentally unwell, which I have been before, things do seem to paradoxically become simpler even as the complexity overwhelms you. Things can seem black and white. Good and bad. And you? You're bad.

Idk, no one's experience is exactly the same, but to me it rang honest. It's fine if others felt differently.

Was it about mixing humor and dark topics? But like most stories do that. I mean, going back to damn Shakespeare, at likes 45% of each of his tragedies are dick jokes. The Bard loved a dick joke. It did not even have to be a good dick joke for the Bard to love it and include it in literature to be read by billions. I mean, I'm slightly hyperbolizing about the percentages, but you literally have Hamlet lamenting about going insane and contemplating suicide in one of the most haunting soliloquies in the English language (Act 3 scene 1's "To Be or Not To Be..." ) and then making numerous dick jokes in the very next scene (Act 3 scene 2). Even when it's all gone to the grave (heh) in Act 5, Hamlet takes time to hold up a jester's skull and joke about "alas, poor Yorick."

Like, yes, there are jarring ways to incorporate humor with tragedy. I don't think RWBY is doing that, though. The last episode had some genuinely heartwarming moments of realization (the paper pleasers) and tension, and then we had Cat!Neo still being a complete cat and lolling about like "Oh HEY GUYS." (The cat is hilarious, and they've always been like this.)

The entirety of Volume 9 has dealt with grief. Even the fight with the Red Prince is the prince throwing a tantrum mingled with grief.

Idk, stories do generally progress. They go from good to bad to good to bad to worse to how is this even worser to okay there's some hope to catharsis. If you can't connect the dots and see the progression, that's tonal inconsistency. If you can, and you absolutely can with RWBY not just in Volume 9 but the entire show as a whole, then... it's not tonally inconsistent.

The theme of identity has been present from the beginning of the show. Ruby looking at a grave and hence dealing with grief is one of the founding images of the entire series. To fully explore death, characters generally have to potentially end up there at some point. That Ruby would wonder whether or not she should have been born is obvious from the first minute of this season. Her spiral has gotten worse and worse, but if you paid attention, you could see it happening.

Again, the show began as a boarding school story with some pretty dark themes (abusive relationships, parental abandonment, parental death). That the darker stuff becomes explored more fully is pretty par for the course. Even like, again, Harry Potter gets progressively more dark. So do the Avengers movies. It's like, normal.

Idk, to me saying RWBY is tonally inconsistent for any of these reasons sounds like saying, I don't know, Othello is tonally inconsistent because the first scene has Othello and Desdemona standing up against bigotry for their love and their marriage is not annulled; therefore the play should end in the defeat of racism and love conquering all. Things change. The seeds of what will happen, the ugliness of racism and the limits of love and reality of misogyny are all present even in that opening scene, and unfortunately they consume the characters.

When I think tonal inconsistency, I think of, I don't know, the ending of Tokyo Ghoul, which thematically contradicted the entire 200+ chapters and 1.5 mangas leading up to it. Things that were framed as negative were suddenly framed as positive. I also think of BNHA, which, while I do think maintains its optimistic/hopeful superhero tone, does sometimes switch the framing and tone around certain characters (Hawks, Endeavor).

So yeah. RWBY has flaws for sure, but I just don't think this is one of them.

#rwby #rwby vol 9 #mental health #tw #just in case #ruby rose #tone

[quietly-by-myself]

An Earthly Cosmological Redshift - Chapter 2 - Fool's Love

March Trope A Thon Masterlist | Story Masterlist

Day 7 - Catharsis + Reassurances

@amonthofwhump

CW: cancer, terminal illness, vampire-human relationship, implied consensual past spice (very brief), discussions of violence and deconditioning, talk of religion/the afterlife, death and a lot of talk about death, recovery whump

===

Jules knew there was something wrong with the vampire he found himself spending so much time around. Something was on his mind. If Jules were wiser, he might’ve known what it was. However, he wasn’t any wiser. That was why he spent most of his nights with a vampire in the first place.

That relative lack of wisdom helped him, sometimes.

“Fearon?”

Those melancholy purple eyes flickered up to him from where Fearon laid in the bed with Jules.

“What is it, Jules?”

Was he still called Jules back then? Jules didn’t remember, but perhaps, if he did know, he would’ve been worse off. After all, a vampire should never know the name they were born into.

“Something’s on your mind.”

Fearon sighed. Jules, if he had even a lick of common sense, should’ve flinched away from the undead monster laying shirtless beside him. Luckily, common sense wasn’t all that common.

“I’m worried about you.”

Jules looked at him with surprise. He’d learned over his time with Fearon that vampires felt a lot more than humans made them out to. 

Yet, some part of him thought that Fearon used him. Some part of him was okay with that too. After all, he’d been used his entire life. At least he got to choose who, right?

“Is it my diagnosis?”

Fearon nodded. “You’re the only person I trust. The only person, vampire or human. I’m worried about losing you.”

“I…” What was Jules supposed to say to that? To the fact that his own body had turned against him and made a monster that would eventually kill him? “I’m worried about losing me, too.”

He heard Fearon swallow. It was a sound that Jules only ever really heard when Fearon used to feed from him.

Before cancer. Before Jules knew he was going to die - die very, very soon at that.

“I love you, Jules.”

Now that, that took Jules completely aback. Jules was a homosexual and he knew that Fearon was too, but he thought that their relationship was superficial, never in terms of love. 

The truth was that Jules was afraid of unrequited love. He never thought it possible for a vampire to love him, to love anyone. Much less one with a history like Fearon’s. Jules was a fool for loving Fearon.

“I love you too, Fearon.”

They stayed in silence for a while. 

“I don’t want to lose you, Jules.” Fearon looked away, off to the side. “You’re the only one I feel like a good person around. You’re the only one who can look past the shit I did with Galileo and see that I really do want to change, I just don’t know how.”

Jules reached out a thin arm to touch Fearon. “You’re still grieving, aren’t you?”

“They were my family, as fucked up as they were.”

Jules thought for a moment about it all, how Fearon would have to grieve again soon. This time, it would be he who Fearon was grieving. The thought was unbearable. The thought of dying terrified Jules.

“You’re not a bad person, Fearon. You were raised a certain way for hundreds of years. Do you blame a puppy raised to fight for fighting as a dog?”

Fearon shook his head. “But dogs just do as they’re told.”

“And so do fledglings, Fearon. Yes, you had a human life before, but you’re brought into this whole new world, this whole new society, and have to be raised into it. You were raised into it by a violent vampire. It only makes sense that you, too, committed violent acts.”

“I don’t regret all of them. Just a few.”

To that, Jules didn’t really know what to answer. “Violence can be unlearned. It can’t undo what you did, but you can grow and move on from it.”

Fearon went quiet for a while, then moved to hug Jules. “I’m sorry, Jules. I’m saying all this to you when you’re hardly living yourself.”

Jules leaned into Fearon’s gentle touch. Quietly, Fearon began to card his hand through Jules’ hair.

“I’m sure it’s been building up in you for a long time.”

“For about fifty years, yes,” Fearon said with a chuckle.

“Jesus fucking Christ.”

“Careful, I’m still a vampire.”

They both laughed for a while. When the moment faded and the world turned back into the silence of the night, Jules found tears in his eyes. What came for him, after death? What would that be like, being dead? Would it be nothing? Would he go to heaven? 

He was never much of a Catholic, but now that he was facing death, he wasn’t so sure he wanted to believe that nothing would happen to him after he died.

Fearon gently swiped Jules’ tears away. “I know you’re scared.”

“Scared feels like an understatement.”

“I remember the moment I died very well. I didn’t want to become a vampire.” Fearon pulled Jules closer. “The thought of you having to feel that pain… it worries me. You’re such a gentle soul. You’re such a good person. You don’t deserve this.”

Jules threw his arms around Fearon and pulled him close. He soon broke down into sobs. “I’m so scared. I don’t want to die. I feel like I’ve hardly lived at all.”

Fearon went quiet. He knew the look on Fearon’s face. He was thinking. Deeply. 

“I could turn you.”

Jules’ blood ran cold and he pushed Fearon away.  He stopped sobbing, his heart pounding in his chest. “You said you’d never turn a human!”

Fearon looked at Jules in shock. It took the vampire a moment to collect himself. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have brought it up.”

“No- no, no. It’s that- I don’t want you to betray your morals and your own sensibilities for me. I know how much you hate the idea of creating more vampires, more violence, and potentially dragging me into that for eternity.” 

Tears soon reformed in his eyes as he remembered that this was Fearon and Fearon wouldn’t do anything without his expressed permission. “My life hasn’t been good, but at least I got to meet you before I pass.”

Fearon smiled faintly. “See, Jules, now that I’ve loved, I don’t want to know what it is to lose. You risked your life to see a vampire. It’s selfish of me, I know, but I want you for all eternity. I can’t imagine losing you know, just when I get to know what love is.”

Jules chuckled, despite how scared he was of the idea of becoming a vampire. What would blood taste like?

Of course, it wasn’t really much of a decision. He loved Fearon. Love made fools and Jules was certainly a fool. Though, Fearon was probably a fool too, for loving a human. It was a forbidden type of relationship, but it was theirs.

“Is that your way of proposing to me?”

Fearon smirked. “I’m not sure I respect the Church enough to get married.”

They both broke down laughing, Jules between sobs.

“It’ll be okay, Jules. You’ll get to live. You’ll get to live on and on and on.”

Jules, despite his tears, found the strength to smile. “Just promise me this, Fearon: let me eat my favorite meals again before I die.”

“On my dollar, not yours, I hope.”

“Willing to fund my expensive taste, are you?”

“I don’t think a bartender at a speakeasy could fund it himself.”

Jules laughed, feeling that heaviness of pent-up stress release.

Fearon always knew how to make him feel better.

===

Tags: @i-can-even-burn-salad, @whumpsday, @pigeonwhumps, @oddsconvert, @sparrowsage

#cancer #terminal illness #vampire-human relationship #whump #whump writing #religious talk #whump fic #whumpblr #whump community #discussion of violence #an earthly cosmological redshift #jules oc #fearon oc #recovery whump #amow tropeathon 2023 #angst #catharsis #reassurances

[sins-of-the-dragon]

Catharsis: Nightmare Fading - Short DA2 Fic (Reader Comfort) 1,642 Words

This is a re-imagining of a short fic piece I wrote for BG3. It's not really a fic story as much as it is a way to cope with traumatic memories through the medium of fiction and reframing memories/reality into something less painful. It's written in second person (you/your) with a non-descript gender neutral reader character. So this is your CONTENT WARNING - There is discussion of a traumatic incident. It is vague, there are no details of anything happening besides it being an incident with one or more people involved. The premise, in short, is that the characters of Dragon Age 2 have found a way to our world through The Fade and are turning up at the moment the reader needs them most. The hurt is vague but the comfort is the focus, with a view of "what would the characters say and do in this situation".

The original piece, Catharsis: Rewriting History (based on the characters from Baldur's Gate 3) is on AO3 here and has a very similar premise and vibe to it. This one isn't on AO3 yet, I'm still deciding whether I make a pseud for my account to write more Dragon Age or if I stick to may main fandom fics for now and just post a few odd DA musings here with a minific or two. Let me know, really, if you'd like more of my DA works~

Anyway, full fic below the cut. --- ---

Catharsis: Nightmare Fading It wasn’t fair. Life never was, perhaps, that you would come to know experiences like this. Pain you wished you couldn’t imagine - in your body or your soul, you couldn’t even tell. Perhaps it was both, your entire consciousness dissolving beyond physical and emotional agony to just focus on one thing and one thing alone. Live.

The air shimmered and crackled behind you, but with everything in front of you your mind was already seeking an escape from reality. You didn’t notice a thing until there was a short and muscular man carrying an impossibly large crossbow standing in front of you. “Sorry I’m not good at this kind of thing. But I’m here, and so are the rest of them. We can talk later.” He glanced back, the soft hint of a smile crossing his features before he turned back to the source of your pain. 

You blinked, unsure of what you’d seen, when you felt strong arms scoop you up, holding you tight against a broad chest. “Sorry I’m late, it’s not easy to navigate the Fade to cross worlds.” 

“They don’t need to worry about all that right now - are they alright?” A feminine voice this time. Chancing a glance at their faces, you saw they had to be related, maybe even twins. Even the red stripe of what you hoped was makeup across the bridge of their noses matched - they really were like two versions of the same person.

A woman in heavy armour stepped past the three of you, her face kind but hardened, ginger hair tied back in a neat but loose braid falling over her shoulder. “They will be.” She addressed you directly next, voice softening. “This won’t make sense right now, but someday it will. You can trust us, and don’t let anyone tell you to turn the page before you’re ready.” The woman turned away again, gripping her sword more tightly and striding forwards. 

Before you could gain your bearings again, you felt a wave of energy wash through you. Cooling, soothing, your body felt…better than it had in a very long time. “There you are.” A new voice, light and almost musical but with the edge of a weight behind it that told you he carried burdens of his own. “I’m so sorry, I should’ve…we should’ve been here.”

“We are here, or have you taken leave of the last of your senses in the Fade?” A gruffer voice spoke up, both men coming into view now. Something about them was familiar, tugging at your heart, pulling threads of memories that had yet to form. They looked at each other with animosity, but when they turned back to you… “Venhedis… You need to leave. What comes next is not for you to witness.” The tanned man was covered in lines of white tattoos that were beginning to faintly glow blue.

“Perhaps mercy might be an option?” The one holding you spoke again, but his words spurred a simple and wordless response. You shook your head. He squeezed you just slightly in his embrace as he acknowledged your decision. “Maybe not then. They’ve made their choice.”

You almost recoiled as the sharp edges of the tattooed man’s gauntlet reached towards you, but the pained look in his eyes mirrored your own. Perhaps if roles were reversed… The metal was cold, but his touch against your cheek was surprisingly gentle. “I will be back for you, when it’s over.” With that, he turned to leave, the light emanating from his tattoos glowing even through his armour. 

“You never deserved this. Not a single moment.” The other man who had been beside the tattooed warrior bent towards you, long blonde hair almost completely veiling your vision for a moment as he kissed your forehead. “I can’t promise you peace…” His voice seemed to change, taking on a slightly different tone as a subtle lightning crackled around his eyes. “But I can promise you Justice.” 

As he turned to leave, sparks playing around his fingertips with his raised hand, the man holding you turned too. The woman with you gestured towards a shimmering hole in reality, a green tinted world beyond, and a man in white armour with vivid red hair and bright blue eyes standing beside it. “It’s time to leave.”

You leaned more against the one carrying you, his ‘twin’ staying close and occasionally putting a hand on your shoulder. Risking a glance at the strange world around you, there were two women standing nearby waiting for your arrival. “Telanadas, ma vhenan. Come, with us.” The tattoos across her face were almost as endearing as her smile as she began to lead the way.

“Maybe you should leave the navigation to someone with a better compass.” The other woman turned her by the shoulders to face another pass. “Would you two mind being a bit quicker? This place is creepy…” 

—

A short time later you were in an unfamiliar room, a fireplace heating the area and lighting it with a welcoming glow. It was clearly a part of some large mansion, and though you’d never seen it before, there was something about it that felt like…home. The group with you sat you down on a large plush couch near the hearth, giving you a steaming mug of something that tasted smooth and soothing. They were a strange group. By the time the others joined. They told you stories - ones that you wouldn’t remember, but each word drove back the dark shadows trying to crowd into your mind. Softened the edges of the memories already trying to claw at you every time you blinked… 

Listening to them, watching them together, it was hard to understand what brought them all to the same place, the same cause. But the pair sat either side of you seemed like the common thread…or was it you? The shorter blonde man, who kept his crossbow close even while relaxing, was the best storyteller by far - if you were to rank them. He spoke of worlds, people, things you could hardly imagine. He also had a good many jokes, humour and wit shared by several of the others in the room. It felt like you knew them, their past, present, and futures all blending in your mind but never quite clear - it was like an impressionist painting, a mosaic half faded… The other blonde talked about cats a lot. You could almost imagine him with little cat ears on his head, but every now and then his voice sounded more serious as he spoke with you. More sincere as he asked deeper questions, a little blue lightning sparking in the depths of his eyes when he tried to comfort you with talk of what was right and just. There was little justice in the reality you left, but here…here you could almost believe him when he said he would move the stars in the sky to change your world if he could. 

Despite their arguing before, the white haired man with the tattoos over his body agreed on that point alone. His support held an anger to it, a ferocity that would have scared you had it not been abundantly clear that he meant it all to be protective. Not exactly the knight in shining armour that the fairy tales spoke of, but he understood…he had seen…he was not without sympathy for your tears. Even if his solutions leaned towards the violent. 

The dark haired woman with the tattoos on her face brought you some food, things you’d never tasted before, sweet and comforting. Every time you thanked her she almost glowed at the praise, her demeanour nothing short of adorable. When she asked if she could hug you, you worried for a moment that she might never let go as her grip was so tight and warm around you. One of the other women chided her though, reminding her to let you breathe.

All of their names escaped you, as if there were a layer between you that you couldn’t quite break down, but it didn’t seem to matter. While one told you tales of a wild and exciting life at sea, another told you of her dreams to settle down peacefully with someone she loved. The red haired man with his piercing blue eyes seemed most unsure of himself, but he was clear that no matter what path you chose to walk he would support it. 

For those hours, everything melted away. Fear, pain, every darkness of the world you left was chased away by the light around you, the warmth that closed in around you like a blanket. The last thing you heard before sleep claimed you was two voices speaking almost as one person. 

“Someday you’ll be making a lot of hard decisions for us…for me… They’re too hard for me to make alone, and Maker knows I’d rather not have to choose some of them at all. But I know…I know you will guide me in the best way you know how. That you will tell my story, and my companions’ too, that none of us will be alone with you watching over us. So, until you meet us all again, that’s what we will do for you.” 

Even their faces were blurring together as one in your mind, the slight pressure of their arms around you from either side melding into the feeling of the tangled sheets and blankets of your bed as the last of their words faded into a soft echo. 

“When the shadows are dark and the nights are long, we will be your light.” “When the fear from the past comes to claim you, we will fight it.” 

“When all hope seems to be out of reach, we will help you find it.” “Better days will come. Hold on, you’re not alone.”

— --- ENDING NOTES --- --- This one goes out to everyone who can in any way relate. We can try to reframe our memories into something less painful, to bring our minds back from the edge of a spiral or flashback in whatever ways work for us. Please always remember, loves, that you have survived all of your worst days up to now. Get through one moment at a time if you need to, and things will get better again. And even whilst they are awful in the moment, Hawke was right: You're not alone.

#therapy through fiction #fanfic #Dragon Age #Dragon Age 2 #Dragon Age FanFiction #dragon age fanfic #coping with fiction #ptsd recovery #never alone #we are stronger with the love and support of our friends even if it's just through fandom

[words-after-midnight]

Writing questions tag

Hopping on an open tag from @mjjune bc this looks fun!

Tagging: @catchingbigfish, @calicoy, @authoralexharvey, @daisywords, @talesofsorrowandofruin & open tag

1. What is your absolute all-time favorite idea you've ever had?

Life in Black and White. Always will be.

2. Is there a question you've been asked in the past that really stands out to you and you still think about sometimes?

"What do your protagonist and antagonist have in common?" 🫠

3. What is your favorite part of being a writer? What parts could you take or leave?

The emotionality and catharsis of it. I love creating interesting characters and tweaking plot points and bringing my ideas to life. I love working on a challenging story/concept. I love the feeling of being absolutely enthralled by and obsessed with my own story and/or character(s).

Things I like less: my own perfectionism re: writing and how it can hinder my progress (why can't things just come out the way I see them in my head?), struggling with plot holes, descriptions, rounding out side characters (my stories are usually VERY focused on like one to three characters, so side characters tend to be a challenge for me), the ENTIRE way the publishing industry is right now.

4. What is your greatest motivation to write/create?

I don't really lack motivation to write unless I have a block, which typically has little to do with motivation for me. Writing is like breathing to me. I wouldn't be me without it.

5. What is the best piece of advice you've ever read or been given as a writer?

"Write the book you want to read," or maybe just "trust your instincts."

6. What do you wish you knew when you were first starting out writing?

The significant ways in which writing and my projects would impact and ultimately help shape who I am as a person.

7. What is your favorite story you've written TO COMPLETION? Link it if you'd like and can!

Life in Black and White (sorry to be repetitive!)

8. What is your favorite out-of-the-box quote?

Is this referring to an out-of-context quote/line from a project? If so, my favorite line from Life in Black and White is "the symbolism is frightening."

9. Which of your characters would you say has the most controversial mindset? Why do you say so and how do you personally feel about their ideals?

Honestly there are a few contenders here, but I have to give it to Gabriel (Life in Black and White). I can't tell you why, so I won't go into details on how I feel about it. My overall thoughts on Gabriel can be summed up in one word: conflicted.

10. If you when you first started writing met you now, what would younger you think?

Probably something along the lines of "What the hell happened?"

#writing #tag games #libaw

[sheirukitriesfandom]

Music Recommendations

@vidvana tagged me what feels like ages ago but I didn't get around to it and then I decided to keep it for the journey to Austria...

The rules are simple: recommend music, tag others. I also didn't want to name just one song for each category *shrugs*

Tagging: @elavoria @fenriael @nostalgic-breton-girl @littlegalerion @alma-amentet @katastronoot @thequeenofthewinter @dirty-bosmer and anyone else who's in the mood for sharing music

1. Favorite music to dance to:

I must confess I really hate dancing but if there's one song that gets me to make silly moves, it's Dreamer by Supertramp. 

2. Favorite music to take a walk to:

Depends on the season. In the Shadow of our Pale Companion by Agalloch is perfect for Winter, as is Loneliness (Winter) by Wintersun. For spring I really like Crystallised & Earthrise by Haken. Idk about autumn and summer. There probably are some songs in some of my playlists but none I explicitly listen to for atmosphere while taking a walk.

3. Favorite music to be sad to:

The entire Hour of the Nightingale album by Trees of Eternity. It's an incredibly haunting record, especially considering that the singer passed away shortly before the album was released. Makes the final lyrics "Life begins where a journey ends." (Gallows Bird) hit differently…

4. Your strongest tearsqueezer:

I can't listen to Nur zu Besuch by Die Toten Hosen without crying. I just can't. 

5. Favorite music about love:

Silent Gold by Pain of Salvation. I also have a very soft spot for Wicked Game by Chris Isaak.

6. Music that reminds you of your friend:

Anything by Eläkeläiset. It's what a friend and I usually listen to on our way to concerts and festivals. That, and Arkham Witch.

7. Music that reminds you of a precious memory:

The Ketchup song by Las Ketchup 🙈

I was on holiday on the Isle of Giglio and my friend and I, both five years old, would listen to that song NON-STOP—My dad hates the song to this day. But yeah, the Ketchup song is practically synonymous with that holiday. 

8. Favorite music to relax to:

Stoner & Funeral Doom Metal in General. Catharsis by YOB, Chasms by Lycus and Aeons Elapse by Ahab in particular.

The thing about the atmospheric side of Doom Metal is that you can't really listen to it while doing something else or the song will lose any effect. Whatever you'll do will likely be too fast for the music, so you really have to lean back, close your eyes and listen for the 10-20 minutes of the song.

9. Favorite music to pretend to be a glamorous powerful villain:

Dark Matter by Les Friction. Also Valentine by Xandria. 

10. Music that you regard as an absolute masterpiece:

There are many songs I consider masterpieces but the newest addition to the list is Equus by Ne Obliviscaris. Man oh man, what a song.

#tag games #talk music to me

[spaceytingz]

Rank the entire emotion era from best to worst. Reasons why are optional but welcomed.

OKAYYYY lemme queue up the two projects

edit: fuck you hoe this was too hard

and the stupid tumblr post writer crashed twice so i'm rewriting this

anyways:

#1. Your Type

I'm kinda lost for words here. This song is screaming cause you've held everything in for too long. Glitter and sweat under neon lights. Tears and lipgloss mixing. Dancing on your own. Stars and galaxies and time. Time. Someone once said that she sings this song as if she'd singlehandedly create time in order to make the impossible possible and I think that's one of the most beautiful things I've ever read. Helps that it's true too. I've always been attracted to desperation in songs and there's something in Your Type's depiction of pain and inadequateness that I haven't heard anywhere else. She has accepted her situation but she still delivers her confession, be it to her actual object of affection, to us, or to herself, it doesn't really matter. It's the act of storytelling, laying her heart out in a melodramatic and theatrical way that I really enjoy. Carly's feelings are always more grand and important than their target and this is best shown in this song. Nothing I could ever say would be enough to describe this song. I'd make time for it.

Favorite moment: My favorite lyrics of all time: "I bet she acts so perfectly. You probably eat up every word she says. And if you ever think of me, I bet I'm just a flicker in your head."

#2. Fever

As you can probably tell, I really enjoy Carly being hurt on songs. This is one of very few songs where Carly expresses anger - and I can't get enough of it. Her switching between vulnerability and vengeance is incredibly satisfying to me, the storytelling is great and I really like the melodrama of it all - stealing his bike, feeling the fever forever. It's these kinds of extremes that make life fun, devastating and worth living, and they're what makes her music forever amazing to me.

Favorite moment: Honestly, everything, but if I had to pick one, it would be the "don't break my heart tonight" bridge.

#3. Cry

It's Cry. My favorite genre of Carly songs, as you've probably guessed by the top 2 is devastating songs with sunny/kinda positive production, and Cry is no exception. There's just something about this song that makes it timeless. It's the beautiful devastation to Fever's frustrated mania. It seems otherworldly in a way the other songs on Side B are not.

Favorite moment: WAKE UP WITHOUT YOU! WAKE UP WITHOUT YOU! WAKE UP WITHOUT YOU! I WAKE UP WITHOUT YOU, BOY!

#4. Let's Get Lost

I could write about how much I enjoy every single aspect of this song - the bombastic chorus, the giddiness of it all, the vulnerability similar to Your Type, but I think there's a more interesting aspect to it. Let's Get Lost is ultimately a song about fantasy. Carly has suffered and kept her heart hidden until now - her desires and pining have taken ahold of her as she describes her ultimate wish. However, we're not sure if her proposition gets accepted or if she even delivers it - but it doesn't matter. The act of wanting and dreaming is greater and better than anything that could or could not happen. The way she describes it makes it seem like it's destiny - it lives outside of time, happening and not happening all the time. In a sense, the emotion of her anticipating it is greater than anything else and it allows her to live through the catharsis of experiencing it forever. Of course, despite it all, this song would not be so high if it wasn't for her delivery. Everything about this song is giddy, I once read that Carly has a tendency to describe ordinary acts as sinful and tempting and I think it really works in her favor. She's after the Forbidden Fruit, and even if it's not so forbidden, she can convince us it is (also it's a quite good queer metaphor).

Favorite moment: "I was always shy and careful, always sure that you would never look at me. Never wanted to discourage anything your eyes encouraged silently."

#5. Cut To The Feeling

I honestly don't know where to place this one, but this song is a rare example of one of an artist's best songs making it big. Cut To The Feeling is the best song to describe Carly as an artist - it's joyful, euphoric, makes you wanna fly and live forever through your emotions and what-could-have-beens. Blue and pink skies, rush of energy, the sun. Cut To The Feeling.

Favorite moment: Every single part.

#6. The One

This is the EPITOME of pining. The self-doubt, the succumbing to her desires, the thinly veiled need to stay in control..... Everything about this song is IMMACULATE. Carly fighting against her own feelings is truly a sight to behold and considering I really enjoy themes of fighting against love and your true nature (see Happy Not Knowing being my fourth most streamed song of all time), yeah, this is a masterpiece. (also a good queer metaphor)

Favorite moment: Romance is fine, pour me some wine, tell me it's just for the fun of it. Thoughts in your eyes, hard to deny, but I don't want love, don't want none. of. it. Also the muffled bridge that builds up to the final chorus my GOD! also the ad-libs in the final chorus. also her whole career.

#7. Making The Most Of The Night

I know, I know, she barely wrote on it, I don't care. Making The Most Of The Night is so perfectly crafted, it's insane. The instrumentals are mesmerizing, her energy is unbeatable and I'm a sucker for an explosive chorus. Everything about the song works to its full potential (side note, it's insane how bad the Sia demo is compared to the final product). Running through red lights on empty city streets underneath the full moon, hot summer night air ruffling your hair, joy and freedom, youth. That's making the most of the night.

Favorite moment: Final chorus although I really REALLY enjoy hearing that intro. It just unlocks something in me. OH ALSO THE aah-aaahs, they are INSANE I LOVE THEM

#8. I Didn't Just Come Here To Dance

Once I said that if Carly only ever made and released this song, I'd still worship her the same and that still rings true. It's honestly such an insanely good song, I don't even know what to say about it. Everything about it is addicting, the beat, the NO NA NA NA NA NO NAA NAA that i quote every day, the "I only came here for you (you)" moments. It's just so fun and the perfect club song. Every lyric is perfect, an incredible mix of flirtation, pining and confidence.

Favorite part: I only came here for you (you) and the final chorus.

#9. Store

The song that started it all. Honestly, this is a peak Aquarius song - tongue in cheek, emotionally avoidant in a whimsical way and most of all - super fun. Aside from Store being funny as fuck, I unironically find it super beautiful. The verses are angelic as she makes up excuses, the pre-chorus is catchy as she makes her way out the door and the chorus is probably one of her most fun despite its repetitive lyrics (which i adore). Also the BRIDGE. The whole song honestly has the energy of her giggling as she sneaks out of her boyfriend's life forever and I really really enjoy that.

Favorite part: ALRIGHT! If it's alright with you. I just wanna say I'm sorry, I just wanna say I'm sorry, sorry 😜

#10. Body Language

All I have to say about this song is that it's pure FUN. Like, it's made for dancing in your living room or on the street, it's spring light rain and sun afterwards but it's also summer, it's a light breeze, it's smiling as wide as you can, it's trying to outmanoeuvre someone else while dancing, it's just amazing and never gets old.

Favorite part: The first verse.

#11. First Time

You know, I did not expect this song to be that high. I always imagine First Time like an Elora Pautrat picture - kinda like an idealised version of a Japan suburb (hell, I even made a kinda shitty First Time lyric video to one of her pictures back in quarantine). Honestly one of her best examples of a "dancing through the tears" song. I don't know why we don't talk about it more as a society.

Favorite part: I REALLY like the (by-by-by-by-by-byeee) part right before the bridge

#12. LA Hallucinations

Write and sing and wear whatever. I'm a sucker for songs that touch on succumbing to addiction (be it related to substances or something else), hating fame, materialism, paparazzi/invasion of privacy, so it was quite natural that I'd like this song. I particularly like her delivery - it's kind of like she's manic, trying desperately to cling to her roots while on some sort of sugar/alcohol/drug high that makes everything around her change constantly.

Favorite moment: The bridge.

IF I JUST LIE HERE WILL YOU LET ME GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

#13. Gimmie Love

Whenever I hear this song I get transported to August 2019 - I'm in Germany, biking underneath pink clouds in the countryside and time has stopped. Carly evokes feelings of both pining and hopefulness which is a rare combination but works extremely well. For a lack of better words, this song makes me ascend. I feel like I'm about to gently levitate out of my chair, into the clouds and then into another dimension full of pink clouds that smells like linden. It's this imagery that makes it stand out above some of the other songs.

Favorite moment: every time she shouts gimmie love with a bit more energy and variation than usual in the final chorus

#14. Boy Problems

I used to see this song in a way similar to "Emotion" before - a super solid bop that just wasn't life-changing. Just amazing. But then I saw a gif of this moment:

And I was changed forever. It's such a fun song and it was taken to another level for me when I leaned into the sassy, eye-rolling parts of it. I also quite enjoy the dialogue, it's super fun and I love acting it out.

Favorite moment: the moment in the gif

#15. Run Away With Me

I have a particularly weird relationship with most of the "critical darling" or "commercial juggernaut" songs on my favorite records. There's this immense inner contrarian urge to be like "They're not that good" and to point out that there are much better songs on the record. And while the latter part of this statement is true, Run Away With Me, despite my lack of an emotional connection to it, always, always manages to make its way into my top 40 most listened-to songs of the year. I don't know how it happens, it's just consistently good. Maybe someday I'll form some deeper connection to it but until then, it's a bop, it's blue skies, wind in my hair, and freedom. I always play it before I land somewhere although I feel like it's more of a train/bike song.

Favorite moment: Over the weekend, we could turn the world to gold.

#16. When I Needed You

HEY! When I Needed You is the credits of the wonderful, neon-light illuminated 80s movie that Emotion (the album) is. It's honestly perfect. Empowering, fun, a teeny little bit childish but in the best way. I honestly don't have much to say about it aside from: it's perfect, it's incredibly fun to sing along to and.... yeah. I love it.

Favorite moment: The last chorus, start to finish. also the HEY!s

#17. Emotion

This song is a hot night in a beach bar illuminated by red neon lights in the middle of July. There are not too many people there and time seems to have stopped. It took me some time to fully recognise this song as more than a bop but now that I get it? Oh my god. It's so sleek and arrogant, literally never gets old. I would never put it anywhere near my top 20 of Carly's songs but seeing as I completely adore 80% of her output, a lot of other great songs share that quality. Still a 10/10.

Favorite moment: The first verse is so haughty, I love it. Also, any time she's teasing the ex-object of her affections.

#18. Warm Blood

Let down my guard tonight, I just don't care anymore... Warm Blood is a truly unique song in the sense that it's one of the few songs where she's not giving her all, vocally. Instead, she traps us in a hazy, drunk, lazy red night that threatens to consume you if you stay for too long. Now that I'm writing this, I realise that it kinda feels like dying of a vampire bite - everything is hazy, your eyes are closing as you lie in a warm pool of blood, there's nothing but heat and the sound of your slowing heart and you just don't care anymore. It's an immaculate vibe.

Favorite moment: The lying metaphors and the "I just don't care anymore" line. It's what elevated the song for me.

#19. Roses

DRUNK ON CIGARETTES LAST YEAR SILLOUETTHES DANCING IN THE DARK LOVE MADE IN THE PARK BIG BLACK BLOSSOM TREES BABY COVER ME HOLD ME OUT TO BLOW PLEASE DON'T LET ME GO

Roses is a brilliant song that has probably one of her best bridges. It's cinematic, theatrical, a perfect tragic finale of Side B. Honestly, the only reason it isn't higher on the list is that the song is great but only the bridge is a masterpiece.

Favorite moment: The bridge duh

#20. Higher

I used to kinda despise this song cause it's literally the only song post-Kiss that she didn't write but as time has passed, I've realised the production really hits. It's nothing groundbreaking but it's a very fun song when you let go of your expectations about it. I'd honestly describe this song as whiteish-pink clouds, but not the saturated pink of Gimmie Love or the light lavender of Never Get To Hold You.

Favorite part: the hii-hiii-hiiiigher part in the chorus.

#21. Never Get To Hold You

Another song that transports me to August 2019 in Germany, Never Get To Hold You kinda feels like the dusk version of Gimmie Love's sunset. It's beautiful, kinda mindless which really fits it and yeah. I don't have a manic obsession with it but it's very nice. Also I have a fun memory of biking to this song while looking at some cows in Germany. Really fun. Light Lavender song.

Favorite moment: The bridge but the whole song is excellent.

#22. All That

The only moment on the main album that could be described as a true ballad, All That took some time for me to get but now that I get it? Wow. Despite there being better songs on the record, All That is still a standout to me in a way. The song feels like glistening under a disco ball and dancing alone at prom in a more-than-half-empty room. It's wonderful. I also really appreciate how this is one of the few Carly songs where the sad lyrics are not combined with peppy energetic production.

Favorite moment: The ad-libs in the last chorus (SHOW MEEEEEE)

#23. I Really Like You

Despite its relatively lower placement, I really like this song! (see what I did there) It's super fun to sing, deliciously saccharine (which is a word I learned thanks to reviews of the track So Nice) and I just love her energy! And you know, I've never had anything against repetitive choruses.

Favorite moment: I really really like the "boy on the moon" line.

#24. Love Again

Fun song, similar to Never Get To Hold You except I don't have much of an emotional connection to it. It's fun, fun to sing along to but I don't have much to say about it except "Solo if it slayed".

Favorite moment: Moon... where's the man in you? (also maybe a throwback to IRLY's boy on the moon)

#25. Favourite Colour

Yeah. I actually quite like this song but it has never been anything special to me. It's very beautiful, sure, but almost everything on both albums outdoes it for me. I'd imagine it's very nice to listen to while high but I guess I've never connected to it that much. Still a solid 8.

Favorite moment: WAKE ME UP! ME UP! ME UP!

#26. Black Heart

I listened to the two projects three times between writing and rewriting and I didn't notice Black Heart playing at all. It's okay, sometimes I enjoy it but it's so forgettable.

Favorite moment: UNDER THE BLOSSOM TREE! ah who am i kidding, it's just okay.

#this was TOO HARD #carly rae jepsen #emotion #emotion side b #ask

[spookymultimedia]

Helpless To Defy His Fate: The Sountrack

Here's the music that inspired each chapter of my fanfiction, songs that go nicely with what I've written and a look into my creative process while writing

Chapter 1

El Tango De Roxane from Moulin Rouge

I'm not a fan of this musical or the canon story behind this song but I know I'm not alone in this attachment to this song. This song gave me a vision of Nandor betrayed by Guillermo by his act of violence. He's devastated. I was specifically inspired by the tiktok videos that combine Roxanne and the Plauges from The Prince of Egypt. At this point, the story in my head was like this opera style drama that's full of love, loss and pain. Nandor is the one who's heart is crying.

The Ballad of Jane Doe from Ride The Cyclone

I wanted to capture feeling this song gave more than the actual story in this song. I thought about Laszlo and his feelings of betrayal as he's quickly dying. He doesn't have time to process that he's dying. It's tragic. It really is an unfair death. I guess the Fall Fair Suite fits too but this song was a bigger influence

Bright Eyes by Art Garfunkel

This is one of the songs that I think fits Nandor's grief. He's struggling to process the fact Laszlo is dead and that Guillermo killed him.

CH 2

Sad Song by We The Kings

This captures Nadja's grief perfectly. The entire song is how she feels about Laszlo dying. At this point in writing this fic was an exploration of grief and how each of these characters would experience it. I didn't have a Nandermo arc in mind quite yet. I didn't expect this fic to be longer than two chapters. It's was a impulsive idea I wanted to write down. I wanted to write drama and angst for no reason but catharsis and enjoyment.

My Immortal by Evenessance

This was something I listened to while I was writing and thinking about Colin's Grief. He used to comfort Laszlo and learning about Laszlo's abusive home when he was young concerned him. Laszlo grieved him once and now Colin is grieving him. It's ironic. Also I was somewhat influenced by BCR's love for Evenessence and Papa Roach.

Look Who's Inside Again by Bo Burnam

This one was a huge influence on how I wrote Colin Robinson in this fanfiction. Laszlo was someone who gave Colin Robinson friendship when he was desperate to be understood and tired of being forgotten. He was happy and confident. When the one person that understood Colin better than anyone else in his life died he felt alone and insecure again. He struggled to reach out to the people around him and feel into a severe depression that kept him in his bed with no one to feed on but the cruelty of the internet. Colin Robinson is generally the comic relied character. "It's hard to be funny while stuck in a room". He usually enjoys telling his friends dumb jokes but now he's struggling to feel any joy at all. Draining online was a treat but in this situation it made him feel worse and left him feeling like shit

Chapter 3

Flying Dreams from The Secret of NIMH

Chapter 3 was just a sickfick/hurt&comfort I just wanted to write something nice and wholesome and cuddly after all the pain and truama that happened in the previous chapters. This chapter is the calm before the storm in a way. The scene where Nandor is helping Colin Robinson drink its tea was directly inspired by that scene in Secret of Nimh. There's a big emphasis on familial and platonic affection and love in the second half of this chapter.

That's the only song I had in mind for this chapter. The rest was just character interaction with my OC Desdemona. She wasn't originally going to be in this chapter but I really liked the idea of Nandor speaking to it. I think in a less grim timeline they would fuck at least once lol. There's so much grief going around I needed to put Desdemona in this fic, she eats that energy up. I'm glad I decided to it really helped me get a strong sense of its character.

Chapter 4

Bohemian Rapsody by Queen

I had this song already in mind while I was working on chapter 3. I knew I wanted to write Guillermo into this fever dream of guilt and self loathing. I wanted to go into the uncanny territory of weirdness. The part in his dream where Nadja kills Guillermo is directly inspired by an alternate ending proposed by @/ednacrabapple in which Nandor teaches Nadja to swordfight ti kill Guillermo. The twist would be she wouldn't be able to do it and suddenly Nandor gets the confidence to kill him. The lyrics that that inspired me the most where these:

I see a little silhouetto of a man,

Scaramouch, Scaramouch, will you do the Fandango!

Thunderbolts and lightning, very, very frightening me

He's just a poor boy from a poor family,

Spare him his life from this monstrosity

Beelzebub has a devil put aside for me, for me,

For meee

So you think you can stop me and spit in my eye

So you think you can love me and leave me to die

Oh, baby, can't do this to me, baby,

Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here

Also in the beginning we see the death from Guillermo's perspective. "Momma, life has just begun but now I've gone and thrown it all away." Guillermo is new to being a vampire and now that's been completely ruined by his murderous tendencies.

No Way Out from Brother Bear

This is one of the movies I took inspiration from for this fanfiction. I wanted to find stories that had similar stories of murder, guilt and forgiveness. I needed to make sure it was obvious that Guillermo lives in guilt and fear. Everyone else has a warped perception of him and believe he's killing for fun. I needed write the opposing perspective in this story.

Oh Miss Believer by Twenty One Pilots

There were three songs that inspired how I wrote nandermo in this chapter. This song is a love letter to Guillermo. Guillermo is scared and helpless. He's in a deep depression and struggling to carry on. Nandor is scared for Guillermo's life and while he addresses that Guillermo has done terrible things he wants to protect him some how. This chapter is when you start to see that Nandor and Guillermo are psychically linked to each other in a very literaral sense. They can feel and read each other's thoughts without knowing they are. They know the worst is yet to come and they're fearful.

Talking to Moon by Bruno Mars

This describes Nandor's feelings. He wants Guillermo badly against the better judgment of everyone else around him.

Aftermath by Lifehouse

Throughout the story Nandor and Nadja grow closer as lovers. Their feelings and actions change into something romantic. They're both traumatized and as a result hold onto each other because they're scared of losing one another. Despite the grief they feel warmth with one another.

Wisdom of Snow by Trans Siberian Orchestra

This song is from the album The Lost Christmas Eve and acts as the contemplative buffer between the old man's confrontation with his past and his emotional breakthrough. This chapter is foreboding and foreshadows what the next few chapters have in store. This song is also what I titled chapter 4. It wad a last minute decision I made while trying to come up with a good title that wasn't stale.

Chapter 5

Hayloft by Mother Mother

The idea that Sean should hunt down Guillermo to kill him as revenge was inspired by a conversation I had with @/2offayyo-kzt. Sean is angry and grieved his lover Laszlo was killed unfairly. He believes murder is the answer.

An eye for an eye, a leg for a leg

A shot in the heart doesn't make it unbreak

She really didn't wanna make it messy

She really, really didn't, but the girl gone cray

Christmas (baby please come home)

I never planned for Simon to be in this fic but I started to think about how Simon would react to Laszlo's absence. It was a joke idea and then I thought a brief moment of comedy in this fic was what the story needed. While I was brainstorming I had found this tiktok and got this idea. I thought it would be fun to write Simon being trapped in this cheery environment while his heart has just been shattered to pieces. It's painfully ironic. Unlike the other songs in this soundtrack this one is diagetic. It's both taunting Simon and describes his feelings. He's desperate to see Laszlo again and he wants Laszlo to be home again more than anything.

Cause I remember when you were here

And all the fun we had last year

This line is in reference to Go Flip Yourself

The song repeats over and over "baby please come home" which is how desperate Simon is to be with Laszlo again.

Story of My Life by One Direction

This was a very risky decision I made while writing this fic. To me in only felt natural that Nadja would go through some kind of emotional journey during this time of grief. I just really wanted to write the moment that Nadja's ghost dissappears. It's like self reflection. This song is Nadja's first step into accepting Laszlo is gone. She begins to acknowledge the happy moments she had with Laszlo.

Sugarcloud from Ride The Cyclone

Nadja and her ghost have alot in common but I suspect there's dissonance when it comes to Laszlo. Nadja doll never got to meet Laszlo and doesn't quite understand what Nadja sees in him. She didn't get to experience falling in love with Laszlo. Nadja's ghost is under the impression that her life was a waste and her legacy is dependent on what she's known as in the vampire world. Nadja is obsessed with her reputation and strives for success to the point she neglects her own joy and falls into burnout. As Nadja recalls her life spent with Laszlo they both come to the realization that she doesn't need to prove her existence to anyone. Just being alive is enough and not having a grand legacy doesn't make her worthless. She'd undead but it still applies lol.

The way I see it Nadja became one with her ghost. She's no longer haunted by her childhood or insecurities. She's finally made peace with her truamas and allowing herself to rest. The reason she's taking up a small hobby earlier in the chapter is because she's trying to learn how to relax and just do something because it's fun and not to be good at it.

Chapter 6

One of Us from The Lion King 2

Months before I decided to write this fanfic I was already obsessed with the idea of the three vampire from the 2014 movie passing judgement to Guillermo. They would struggle to feel any compassion for him and only feel fear and hate for something dangerous they can't understand. I would listen to this imagining the potential conflict between the the three vampires and the main characters in the series on the topic of Guillermo. I always envisioned Nandor being the Nala sitting on the sidelines with everyone against his plea to spare Guillermo. Most characters see Guillermo as a threat and feel hurt by him. I specifically feel that this line fits Simon.

Someone once lied to us

Now we're not so blind!

& by Tally Hall

Guillermo has to face vampiric law and its very vicious and cruel. There's lots of tension and a significant lack of understanding.

When the golden rule and the jungle meet

There'll be nothing to love and there'll be no one to beat.

Oh, the things we know, the things we don't

Oh, the things we think, we can, will and won't

[CW: flashing in clip ] Hungover in the City of Dust by Autoheart

I'll be honest while I was writing the last two of this fic I wasn't in the best state mentally and at the time I'm writing this I don't feel any better. I let that feeling inspire how I wrote Guillermo. It was like a strange form of catharsis projecting all my hopeless thoughts and frustrations onto Guillermo. Guillermo is having the worst night of his life and he's barely keeping it together.

The Trial by Pink Floyd

While the title of this chapter is accurate to what happens its also referring to this song. Guillermo is in a cage being accused of his crimes but he's also at war with his own self loathing. Viago is this symbol of vampiric class and acts downright patronizing to him.

Hells Comin With Me

Simon wasn't supposed to return but I grew to love the idea that it was Simon who told the Vampiric Council about Guillermo crimes and arrest him. I wanted to play into the fact that Simon is a character that tends to return when we least expect it in canon. Now he's back and full of righteous anger.

I am the righteous hand of God

And I am the devil that you forgot

While I was writing this fic I was fleshing out my headcannons for Simon since he's a half baked character at the moment. I got this idea that Simon had this catholic past when he was alive and it sticks with him a bit as a vampire. One way is his shape-shifting abilities, when under high stress or anger, forms into something others would compare to a biblically accurate angel. It's something that would deeply scare Guillermo, who already has religious truama.

SURPRISE! A DELETED SCENE! :D

Bloom from Joseph King of Dreams

This was deleted due to pacing issues and it just felt out of place. This would take place after the trial with Guillermo telling The Barron everything. The Barron feels sorrowful yet sympathetic. He's not proud of who had been in the past and for thinking he was above all of mankind. He had changed and he believes Guillermo can grow from this too.

You've seen the damage words can do

When full of thoughtless pride

Now heed the wiser voice in you

That calls to be your guide

One Normal Night from The Addams Family the musical

I'm not a huge fan of this musical. I feel like it misses the point of The Addams Family, which is radical acceptance in a conservative society. However I do love the artists and editors who show their favorite characters experiencing a traumatic night where stuff just keeps happening to them. I think Guillermo is in a similar situation in this fic

While My Guitar Gently Weeps by The Beatles

I don't think the men who are The Beatles are good people. I think I owe my love for their songs to the obscure movie Cirque Du Soleil. There's a handful of artistic and abstract interpretations of their songs. In this movie this song is visualized as a widow who lost her husband to war. I bring this up as it was inspiration for writing Nandor's grief for Laszlo. Their relationship soured and Nandor will never have closure with Laszlo. He regrets that he didn't appreciate Laszlo enough while he had him. He also wonders if things would be different if he expressed his love for Guillermo sooner.

Chapter 7

Runs in the Family by Amanda Palmer

This was another part I projected myself into. Guillermo hates who his family is. He's a Van Helsing and no matter how much he denys it or tries to hide it, it will always come back to him.

I cannot, I cannot, I cannot run from my family

They're hiding inside of me, corpses on ice

Guillermo has ran from many things in his life. He's ran from his sexuality and the catholic church but it's always there to haunt him. He's quite literally become a criminal on the run and he's not proud of it.

Mary, have mercy, now look what I've done

But don't blame me because I can't help where I come from

And running is something that we've always done well

And mostly I can't even tell what I'm running from

Grenade by Bruno Mars

Nandor has this unconditional love for Guillermo and while he struggles to vocalize or or express it in a productive way he does cause him to do pretty stupid things. Nandor would literally die for him. Guillermo does feel the same but he's a coward. Besides neither of them could communicate.

Lullaby for a Princess by ponyphonic

Guillermo and Nandor are doomed, in this timeline at least. Nandor doesn't appreciate Guillermo. Nandor didn't support him when he wasn't given any respect. No matter how much Guillermo demand to become a vampire, he refuses to turn him in fear of the consequences but mostly because of his pride. So Guillermo took things into his own hands and became a vampire without him. Guillermo refused to listen to Laszlo's criticism and it resulted in something Guillermo regrets. Nandor knows their relationship us doomed but he still wishes him well as they're forced apart.

The years now before us

Fearful and unknown

I never imagined

I'd face them on my own

May these thousand winters

Swiftly pass, I pray

I love you, I miss you

All these miles away

Everything I do, I do it for You

I remember this song from the movie Robin Hood. I don't remember much of the movie but I remember how the song made me feel. It was like this knight in shinning armor kind of song where you fantasize about rescuing someone you adore or the person rescuing you. I associate alot of 80s dad rock with Nandor. It's romantic and its the ideal type of romance Nandor desires.

The Best of Friends from The Fox and The Hound

Before I really had a clear idea of the conclusion I wanted for this movie, I watched two movies for inspiration. I watched Brother Bear and The Fox and The Hound. The latter was the direct inspiration for the conclusion. I think Guillermo and Nandor are similar to Todd and Cooper. Guillermo is the troublesome fox who keeps causing trouble and accidental harm. Nandor wants to love Guillermo and defend him but he knows they should be enemies and their relationship might be impossible to have without issues.

When these moments have passed

Will that friendship last

Who can't say there's a way

Oh, I hope

I hope it never ends

'Cause you're the best of friends

The scene where Cooper stands in front of Todd to protect him is a touching scene. There's not really a solid answer to the issue. They all go their separate ways and decide to give up the chase. The rabid warewolf is a parallel to the bear Todd fights and Sean parallels Amos Slade who's mind is set on revenge. Nandor's eyes are based on how Cooper stares at his master, pleading for mercy. Nandor's eyes are full of emotion and it works to my advantage for this fanfiction. Sean gives up and chooses peace. Nandor and Guillermo separate on good terms but they will never forget their friendship.

#what we do in the shadows #nandermo #laszlin #laszlo x nadja #laszlo x simon #seanszlo #laszlo x nandor #nandor the relentless #guillermo de la cruz #nadja x nandor #nadja of antipaxos #nadja cravensworth #colin robinson #Laszlo Cravensworth #simon the devious #viago wwdits #wwdits the baron #wwdits fanfiction #wwdits fanfic