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phantasieandmirare · 4 years

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Okay so this is going to be fun. I haven’t seen Cats yet and I’m torn between wanting to just for the Experience and not wanting to to preserve the love I have for the musical itself. But I know a lot about the musical and characters (and I’ll be sharing my/the fandom’s general headcanons with you) because I watched the 1998 TV film on repeat when I was younger. So here’s what happens in the musical (keeping in mind that I’ve only seen the 1998 movie and not the actual show but I know that the show is different) that y’all are missing.

If you didn’t know at this point, the entire musical is based on the book ‘Old Possum’s Book of Practical Cats’ by T.S. Eliot which is a book of short cutesy poems. This was one of Andrew Lloyd Weber’s favorite book when he was younger and he wrote the entire musical as a composition exercise to see if he could write music with predetermined lyrics.

There are so many interviews of Andrew Lloyd Weber explaining what the musical is about in the 80s and it’s just as awkward as literally anyone trying to explain Cats right now. But he’s trying his best. Cut him some slack.

I am literally watching the 1998 movie on YouTube as I type this. It’s all available there. Please watch it if you need to purge the Cats movie from your brain and replace it with something watchable.

I used to have all of the names of the cats memorized. I’m not kidding. I could tell you who was singing what line in every song. I knew the background characters. I could look at a picture and tell you who everyone was in it with extreme accuracy. I had every song memorized. I knew everything. I am the Cats God.

Munkustrap is the narrator of the musical. He’s also the de facto leader/protector of the Jellicles when Old Deuteronomy isn’t there. He’s like the prime minister to Old Deuteronomy’s queen/king. From what I understand he does not have the same sway in the movie which sucks because he’s my favorite and I love him.

There are two cats in the musical who are psychic. They’re twins. Their names are Coricopat and Tantomile. I’m not making this up. I think this is only mentioned in the stage show itself but on the off chance that it’s not and I just happen to know this now you know too.

“There’s a man over there with a look of surprise. As much as to say ‘well now how about that’. Do I actually see with my own very eyes a man who has not heard of a Jellicle Cat? ‘What’s a Jellicle Cat? What’s a Jellicle Cat? What’s a Jellicle Cat?’” Please tell me this line is in the movie. I’m begging you. Because this is hilarious now that this is now every single person’s reaction to the very concept of Cats.

From all the reviews I’m guessing that The Naming of Cats is not in the movie or it’s not played the way it is on stage. Which is a shame because that would be another delightful moment that confuses and horrifies everyone who has no idea what Cats is. If they played The Naming of Cats the way that they do on stage that alone would have cleared the movie theater instantly. For about three minutes they tell you how cats are named. In complete sync. They get louder and move closer to the audience as they go on. It’s low key terrifying. I also had this memorized. It was one of my favorite songs in the musical.

Our boy Mr. Mistoffelees is not named Mr. Mistoffelees for most of the show. He’s called Quaxo. The consensus is that ‘Mr. Mistoffelees’ is a separate identity and/or personality. I swear I’m not making this up.

Victoria and Quaxo/Mistoffelees are brother and sister. That’s a general headcanon that either I came to or is a consensus in the fandom. Not making this up either. Bustopher Jones/James Corden is their father. This is all assumed based on their coloration. This is also where I mention that I used to know all the family dynamics in this musicals and who’s with who.

It’s also a general consensus that Victoria isn’t ‘new’ but has just reached the age where she can be involved in the Jellicle Ball. She has the very first dance solo in the musical and is the one to finally accept Grizabella but that’s the only importance she has for the entire musical. She doesn’t have any lines or her own song but is instantly recognizable in every picture ever.

Jennyanydots is introduced wearing a large fur coat/get-up that she can barely stand up in and then removes it to reveal a flapper dress later. I assume that’s what they were going for with the whole ‘Rebel Wilson takes off her skin’ issue. Her song/dance is tap-based. She’s the wine aunt of the group. She never eats the cockroaches. That’s never mentioned in the song. I don’t know why they did that.

Rum Tum Tugger is supposed to be based on Mick Jagger. I don’t know how well that translated into the movie but I hear they tried to redesign him into a more modern version on stage recently that did not go well at all because it was kinda racist. So let’s just stick with the Mick Jagger version cause it works better. All the girls in the group are obsessed with him/groupies. All the moms/queens are so over it. He and Quaxo/Mistoffelees have a love hate relationship. I used to read fanfiction and people ship the heck out of them. General consensus is that he and Bombalurina/Taylor Swift are a thing.

Grizabella’s entire deal is that she used to be a show cat who got dumped/a mangy stray who used to be beautiful but then got into too many fights/it’s vaguely implied that she was a cat prostitute.

Elaine Paige originated the role of Grizabella and then reprised it for the 1998 movie and that is the only reason that I know who Elaine Paige is.

The entire plot of this musical is that Grizabella is touch-starved.

Is Demeter mentioned in the movie? She’s also my favorite. Does she have a major role? Where’s my girl? Where is she? Anyway Demeter and Munkustrap are often shipped together too.

Bustopher Jones is essentially the Godfather and is the 1% of the Jellicles. Everyone loves him. He’s like Tugger for the older ladies/queens because they all also adore him. Quaxo/Mistoffelees chases him and plays with his tail and stuff like that a lot in the stage show and generally has this really proud air around him/is center stage in the song during his song which adds to the headcanon that Bustopher Jones is his dad.

To clear it up, Mungojerrie and Rumpelteazer are brother and sister, they are not together. They’re also twins.

Old Deuteronomy shows up. The psychic twins say that he’s coming. As far as I know that’s the only indication we get ever that they’re psychic.

Tugger and Munkustrap are friends/frenemies. The headcanon is that Tugger wants to be the leader or just doesn’t like that Munkustrap tries to keep them all in line/doesn’t let Tugger do whatever he wants but besides that they’re buddies.

I think it was also implied somewhere/I had the headcanon that Old Deuteronomy and Grizabella are brother and sister. I think. I also think I had the headcanon that he’s Quaxo/Mistoffelees and Victoria’s grandfather because they also hang around him a lot. Ken Page who you may recognize as the voice of Oogie Boogie in The Nightmare Before Christmas plays Deuteronomy and originated the role and casually mentions that he’s probably the father of most of the cats so there you go.

They cut this from the movie and I understand why now but there’s a musical number about a battle between two tribes of dogs that they put on as a performance for Old Deuteronomy. Yes it’s musical inception. This is a big song for Munkustrap because he narrates and sings the entire thing. At one point Tugger plays bagpipes in it. I’m not kidding. Munkustrap spends the entire song being an exhausted stage manager trying to keep everything under control and it’s not going well and I feel that.

There’s a cat superhero called the Rumpus Cat. Yep.

The Jellicle Ball begins proper. There’s a lot of flirting and dancing and acrobatics and generally wild stuff for a good ten minutes. Generally it’s framed as Old Deuteronomy deciding which one of them gets to enter the Heaviside Layer through dance. What is his criteria for who gets to die? They never tell us.

Anyway Victoria performs the mating dance with a cat named Plato/Admetus (again, Victoria and Quaxo/Mistoffelees are never together and they are siblings thank you very much). The orgy is real folks. We don’t talk about it. I think I watched this scene once when I was little (also when I say little I mean like 12/13) and then never again because it’s extremely awkward to watch. I would just skip right over it as soon as the music started getting slow and move on to Memory. This right here is the first time that I’m watching it in literal years. It’s still as awkward as it was then.

There’s a cat named Jemima/Sillabub (a lot of these cats have multiple names/their names are different between productions/regions if you haven’t picked up on that already). She’s basically what they made Victoria into in the movie and is important for the plot. I don’t know why they focused in on Victoria when Jemima/Sillabub is right there.

Gus the Theater Cat sings his song and I also cry every single time because Gus is the sweetest cat in the entire musical and I love him and also the song is sad as heck especially if you think about how this is an older man playing this role and talking about how his acting days are past him. There’s another musical number about one of Gus’s most famous roles but they didn’t put that into the 1998 movie because of budget issues and not having enough space on the set to do it anyway.

I do not remember this moment but for about ten seconds a specter of Gus as his most famous character comes out, walks around menacingly, and then leaves and I DON’T REMEMBER THAT AT ALL. Anyway Gus follows it around because it’s his memory of his younger self and the heartbreak on his face when it disappears and the fact that this character cries at the end of the song and doesn’t even finish it shatters my entire heart. Gus has six minutes and then he leaves and we never see him again and sometimes I think about Gus and cry.

So after breaking your soul with Gus we jump directly into Skimbleshanks the Railway Cat who is also a delight and from what I hear people in the movie really liked him too. If you like nothing else about Cats you have to agree that Skimbles is wonderful.

Macavity the Mystery Cat is my second favorite song in the entire musical. Bombalurina/Taylor Swift and Demeter both perform it together (I listened to Taylor Swift’s version after I finished watching this and I am so mad that they cut Demeter out of it entirely because Demeter makes this song and she’s another one of my favorites). It’s the female power ballad of the entire musical and their voices/belting is sick as heck and also I used to have the choreography memorized on top of everything else. It’s implied that Demeter and Macavity used to be a thing before she escaped him. There are layers to this.

Macavity tries to sneak back in dressed up as Old Deuteronomy but because Demeter is his old flame she sees right through it. The cats all fight and then Macavity escapes and is never mentioned again. We can safely assume that he does this every year.

My absolute favorite song in the entire musical/the first one I ever heard is Magical Mr. Mistoffelees. Tugger introduces him and sings most of the song. Mistoffelees actually doesn’t sing for the entire thing, it’s all Tugger. Tugger keeps singing about how Mistoffelees has a signature move called the ‘conjuring turn’ which on stage is twenty-four consecutive fouettés en tournant and it’s impressive as heck. Mistoffelees is one of the most demanding dance roles in the entire musical. Here’s the thing though, they don’t have the conjuring turn in the 1998 movie, the way that the music is cut we can assume that they filmed it and then it got cut or they lost the footage or something so for a long time I never saw it and then I looked it up and it was awesome. Anyway this is my cat son and I love him.

Onstage Grizabella ascends to the Heaviside Layer in one of two ways: either by a staircase that descends from the ceiling, or (again I’m not making this up) in a flying saucer. If you’re still confused about the plot of Cats take the fact that they ascend to cat heaven on a UFO and go forth knowing that the answer to ‘What is Cats?’ has a legitimate answer of ‘Aliens’.

So that’s Cats. Namely the version that I hoped we were getting and that we were robbed off in favor of God-awful CGI and a lot of uncomfortable horniness (or at least more than there normally is in the actual show) and Rebel Wilson tearing off her skin.

#cats #cats the musical #cats 1998 #the only version of cats that matters #be quiet sarah #i don't know how to end this post #i took an entire day of my life to write this post please appreciate my efforts #anyway #ok goodnight

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snarkyystarky · 5 years

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hockey, skating, and other bad decisions

also on ao3!

summary:

Tony is an infamous figure skater, and Steve is a retired hockey player. After getting paired up together for a reality TV show, Skating with the Stars, the two need to learn how to work together, for the sake of their reputation. Will the two look past their differences and win the competition?

Chapter 1

Tony landed an axel, gliding backwards on one leg as he spread his hands open. The harsh notes of Back in Black blasted in the rink, and Tony continued to skate on the ice, bobbing his head to the song.

The music suddenly paused, and Tony skid to a stop, confused. He turned around, and next to his set up was Pepper, a displeased look on her face.

"You know, I've been standing here for about..." She checked her watch. "fifteen minutes. And as great as practicing is, you had a meeting. Note the word had."

Tony flashed Pepper a smile as he sat down on the bleachers, mopping his face with a towel. "If it was really that important, they would've called me."

It was true. Even if these people were offering everything that Tony needed right now, Tony had a schedule. Or something. He needed to practice, just like Pepper said. Their show, it's called Skating with the Stars, or some bullshit like that. It was your regular reality TV show, with all the unnecessary drama and whatnot. These celebrities are paired up with professionals, and the 'stars' have to be taught a dance routine every week. At the end of the week, there will be four judges to see who is the best that round. At the end of the show, all the points from the previous rounds will be added up, and the final two will go to the finale. Tony liked watching these types of things, not to be a part of it. But he knew that this was his chance to be out to do actual, professional, competitions on ice again.

"Tony, being present is important. They finally assigned you a partner for you. And if you were there-"

"Hold up. They picked my partner without me being there?" Tony paused as he looked up and stared at Pepper. "You met them, right? Who are they?"

"Tony, you would have seen for yourself if you came to the meeting. I had to show up there, without you, and explain that, no, I wasn't lost, and yes, Tony Stark stood you up."

Tony slipped off his skates and put them next to him, wiggling his toes around. "Pepper, I'm sorry. I'll buy you a new pair of heels. The ones that you have currently are looking kinda tired, if you ask me. Don’t think that I saw you eyeing that black pair when we were window shopping the other day. Though you have at least three other pairs just like that. But it’s fine!" Tony clapped his hands together and laced on his shoes. "So now that's dealt with, who is it?"

Pepper ignored Tony’s apology and his attempt at bribery. "Tony, you need to start caring about this. This might be your revival! Just being on this show can help you get back up top!" She sat down next to Tony, carefully moving his skates. "I understand that you feel the need to practice, but I just need you to put a little effort, alright?"

"Alright. I'll... go to the stupid meetings. Only for you, Pep."

And considering that his whole career relied on this stupid show, but that didn't matter. Tony sighed, taking a gulp of his water.

Pepper put an arm around his shoulder. "You'll be fine, Tony. Come on," She stood up, a mischievous grin stretched across her face. "You can take me shopping, like you need to. A red pair, this time."

Tony smiled back, gripping his skates in one hand and his water bottle in the other. "A red pair, huh? Is Miss Potts finally showing her true, rebel self?"

Pepper rolled her eyes as she helped gather the rest of Tony's stuff. "One day, you'll run out of quips to say, and that day, I'll laugh in your face."

They left the ice rink and after buying Pepper her desired heels, she dropped him back at his house. Tony stepped out of the car and then turned around. "Hey, Pep. You still haven't told me about my partner."

She had an amused look on her face, both her hands gripping the steering wheel. "Oh, yeah. It's the hockey guy, you know, Steve Rogers. Okay, I'm leaving now. Remember, I rescheduled the meeting that you were supposed to go to today to tomorrow. Don't forget!"

Pepper drove off laughing as Tony stood there in shock. He called after her car, "Steve Rogers?! Pepper...!”

Steve Rogers was once a world wide known hockey player, nicknamed Captain America from his teammates. Tony didn't know if it was because of his patriotic ways of expression or something else on the field, but he was famous. He was the captain of the Avengers with many other players like his best friend Bucky Barnes and Sam Wilson, otherwise known as the Winter Soldier and Falcon. Tony never understood the need for hockey nicknames, but whatever floats their boat.

Steve had been injured in the Olympic finals, as well as Barnes, who was banged up so badly that they had to give him a prosthetic. Steve on the other hand, was lucky. Just a mild concussion and a broken arm. After not being able to play for a few months, Rogers shocked the United States by announcing that he was going to retire from the team. He'd been off the grid for a year or so, and now he's joining this competition.

Tony closed the file that an eye patched man named Fury in front of him handed to in the beginning of their meeting. Of course, Tony had known everything before hand, because it was fucking Steve Rogers. Everybody knew who he was.

Fury seemed to be the director of the whole shebang, though you wouldn't have known it unless somebody told you. He looked like the type of guy to yell at 'hooligans' from his front porch, not direct a fucking reality show.

"Well? Does he meet your standards, Mr. Stark?" Fury gave him a stare, and Tony was sure that if he said no, Fury would flip the table that he was sitting behind.

"It's not like I have a choice," Tony mumbled as he stood up and handed the folder back to Fury. "Now, are we getting started? Where's the rink? Are we going to have separate rinks for every couple? How's this going to work?"

Fury placed the file back onto his desk as he got up and escorted Tony out of his office. "All your questions, Mr. Stark, can be taken up with Maria over here."

The door slammed behind Tony. Jesus, he acted like he had a stick in his butt. A brown haired girl greeted him, a clipboard in hand. "Mr. Stark. I'm Maria. Follow me, I'll take you to meet the other competitors."

"Does he always act like that? He's like a humanized version of an angry bear." Tony mused as he walked behind Maria, glancing at the rooms they passed by.

Maria didn't respond with anything but a curt smile, stopping in front of one of the identical rooms in this long hallway. She opened the door, inviting Tony to walk in. "Go on in. Everybody's already in there."

Tony entered the room and was surprised to find it nicely decorated, a few couches in the corner of the room and a round table on the other side. All the people in the room turned to look at him. Tony gave them all a wave of his hand, giving them all a smile. It was fake, but he hadn't smiled genuinely in a while. So what did they do to deserve a real one? "Hey, everyone."

Tony turned around to ask Maria all of his rejected questions from Fury, but saw that she was already half-way down the hallway, speaking into her little earpiece. Alrighty, then.

Tony cleared his throat as he sat down on one of the couches, taking a cookie from the coffee table situated in the middle of the room. Everybody's eyes were still on him. God, this was weird. Was it really because...? Yeah, probably.

Finally, a red-headed girl spoke up. "I'm Natasha. Nice to meet you, Tony." She stuck out a hand.

Tony shook Natasha's hand, wincing as she squeezed his palm tightly. "Thanks," Tony managed to let his hand free from her grip, shaking the pain from his hand. "You really got a... firm shake there, huh?"

"Yeah, we call it the death grip," A lanky boy grinned back at Tony. "Don't worry, it means she likes you. I think. I'm Clint Barton. Maybe you've heard of me?"

"You're... you're the archer. Didn't you win gold in the Olympics?"

"Sure did. It was a hard competition, but I crushed the other opponents," Clint's smile grew as he flexed his arms. "These bad boys hit bullseye every time."

Natasha rolled her eyes as she slapped Clint's arms away. "Ignore him."

Soon enough, there were people left and right introducing themselves, shaking Tony's hand. Tony recognized many of them from his TV screen and competitions from the past. If they knew about... what happened, they didn't mention it.

Tony swiped the cookie crumbs off of his shirt. There was someone missing. "Hey, have you guys met Steve Rogers yet?"

The curly haired boy, Bruce, piped up. "Yeah. I'm pretty sure he's at the rink across from here, where the show is going to be held."

"Oh. Okay, I'll be back soon."

A chorus of goodbyes rang out from the group, and Tony was just... didn't understand. They were all so nice to him, like they didn't care about his background or the fiasco...

After wandering around for a few minutes, Tony managed to find a large rink, bleachers surrounding the ice. It looked like a regular ice rink, besides the cameras and other set up in the back. There was somebody there, sitting down. That must be him. He opened the glass door and stepped down the stairs, the cool air meeting his skin. Tony stopped in front of whom he assumed was Steve, leaning on the glass enclosure around the ice. "Hey."

The man looked up, straightening his back, and the first thing that Tony noticed was that yes, this man was definitely Steve Rogers. The second thing that he noticed was his stance. His posture, stiff and alert, reminded Tony of a military guard, or a soldier.

"Sorry, I didn't know if I could come here yet- wait, are you...?" Steve's eyes flashed in recognition and his calm but strong demeanor shifted, his eyes boring into him.

Tony tensed, a wave of defensiveness running up his back. He didn't like the way Steve was staring at him, judging eyes shifting from his face back down to his water bottle in his hand. He had hockey skates on, and his cheeks were red. Tony assumed that Steve had been doing a few laps around the rink before this. Steve stood up and stuck out a hand.

"Steve Rogers."

Tony took his hand and shook once. "Tony Stark," He let go and turned away from Steve, looking at the glittering ice in front of them. "Decided to join the dancers, huh? Who knew."

"Didn't have time before, since I was the captain-"

"Of the hockey team who won gold, yeah, yeah, I get it," Tony eyed the blue logo in the middle of the rink, Skating with the Stars, in cursive swirly letters. "No need to boast, Rogers."

The atmosphere immediately changed, and Tony could feel Steve's glare burning into him.

"Says the cheater."

Tony whirled around, meeting Steve's hard gaze. "You keep up with the classier sports, captain?"

"The sport is classy, but the people?" Steve shrugged, a shit eating grin on his face.

"There are higher, more advanced words to describe us. Not that you would understand any." Tony shot back.

"Oh please. You only skate for yourself. To win, for fame, for money. You don't care about anything else besides that fact. You would cheat for it."

"At least when I'm skating for myself I have more wins than losses. Without any help, unlike your team." Tony's voice was rough, scraping against his throat. "Plus, I would be a better captain than you, letting one of my players lose a complete arm."

Tony could tell that he hit a nerve with that one. "We still won gold, even after that. Because we're a team, and in this world, you need allies to survive." Steve stepped forward, and Tony had to tilt his head to meet his eyes, which angered him even more. Stupid.

"Well, look where I am now."

"You're here on a reality TV show just so you can put your name back out there after a year or so of hiding away from the press. You hope to win the show, so people can see that you have so called 'talent' underneath all of the lies." They were inches from each other now.

Tony was fuming. "Oh yeah? What are you doing here, Mr. Perfect? Admit it. You just want to be in the spotlight again, and this is the perfect opportunity. Does retirement bore you, old man?"

"Come on. Put on your skates and we can race a few rounds. With those skinny legs, you won't stand a chance."

"It seems like you two met." They both whipped their heads toward the source of the voice. Fury was by the doorway, his arms crossed.

Tony stepped backward, grumbling under his breath. He didn't want to work with this fucking asshole.

Steve seemed to have the same idea. "Fury, maybe we could switch out partners or something? I don't think that we're exactly suited to work together."

"No switching. You keep the same partner that you have."

"Fury, he's a hockey player! He won't be able to keep up in a routine, let alone an event!"

"What does that mean?" Steve cut in, his voice sharp.

"In baby talk, it means that you're an amateur, Rogers. Or do you not know what that means either? It means-"

"I'm not an amateur!"

"I bet you've never even worn figure skates, have you?"

"I have! Once!"

"Once?" Tony snorted. "Definitely an amateur."

"You're the one who desperately needs a partner, so it wouldn't exactly be a good idea to throw me out just yet."

"Desperately? I-"

"And, I'm not a cheater. Maybe you'll actually have a chance to win this time."

"I think I will take you up on that race, Rogers," Tony glanced down at Steve's beat up hockey skates. "If you're able to keep up with me on figure skates, I'll back off."

Steve sat down and started to unlace his shoes with fast and nimble fingers. "You're on.”

#marvel #mcu #avengers #stevetony #stony #stony fic #stevetony fic #figure skating au #hockey au #reality tv show au

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