soft-spoonie · 2 days ago
it makes sense to try and stop feeling a negative emotion, and it's a good thing to find ways to cope. but please make sure you're not also pushing yourself to stop feeling that way because you feel like you're doing something wrong. your feelings are valid. they deserve to be acknowledged and cared for - not dismissed and invalidated.
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lousydrawingsforgoodpeople · 14 hours ago
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20o1 · 23 hours ago
not everyone will understand you and that’s okay.
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cluster-b-log · 2 days ago
not wanting to recover does not mean that you’re a bad person, or abusive. forced recovery rarely works and you have to be ready to recover to do it.
again: not wanting to recover ≠ abusive.
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akindplace · a day ago
There is a place for me, people who will connect with me, more healing to do, peace to be found, cats to be petted and huge oceans to see. I will be comfortable, I will be at peace, I will get to build a life that makes me content and where I feel safe. I am starting to work on making the life I want become the life I have. I won't have to suffer through life. I can go through it with a smile of confidence, comfort and hope.
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[Nsfw?] How the heck does one deal with intense shame and guilt w/r/t sexuality esp if you grew up lgbt in a hardcore repressive household. esp if you want to remain Christian. I'm deeply afraid of disappointing God and going to hell. Like it's such a deep and involuntary fear which produces so much anxiety within me.
Idk what to do and honestly it's killing me
cw: shame & guilt, fear of hell
Dear anon, I am so sorry that you are going through this pain. Your body and sexuality are gifts from the God who created us as embodied beings and called us good. I am so sorry human beings have taken those gifts and twisted them, made you feel shame and guilt around them. You are absolutely not alone in this struggle.
The fear of hell is also one that so many of us struggle with at some point in our lives. It makes my blood boil that so many Christians turn Jesus's Good News of liberation for all into bad news of torture and punishment for many. The way many churches teach Christianity, the only way they can keep people in the pews is to scare them into staying. But Jesus didn't fearmonger like that; he brought healing and hope and wholeness to those he ministered to.
Ultimately, my response to you is to encourage you to seek professionals who can support you far better than I can. If at all possible, I highly recommend finding a counselor or therapist who specializes in helping people with sexual trauma or who are recovering from anti-sex sentiments, anti-LGBT rhetoric, etc.
Make sure that anyone you decide to try out is in favor of undoing purity-culture-type shame and guilt around sexuality, rather than reinforcing it. If you need help finding someone who seems like a good fit for you, please feel free to private message me with your general location and I can try to search for you; or send me the websites of anyone you find and I can see if they're on the anti-shame side of things.
So yeah, I want that disclaimer out there that the best things for you are more long-term support than I can offer, as well as the simple passage of time. Still, I do have a few things that may help guide you as you go; I'll share them below.
I have a post here responding to someone else who struggles to let go of the fear that God will send them to hell for being gay & trans. They're Catholic, which may or may not be your own background, but even if the Catholic stuff doesn't fit your situation, most of the stuff in my reply can fit a more general Christian background.
One thing I emphasize in that post is that heaven is a gift given freely by the God who loves us. That means that even if it turned out that people like me who believe wholeheartedly that God affirms LGBTQA+ identities were wrong, God's response to our mistake would not be to fling us to hell — God would enfold us in Their love. As I write in that post,
Heaven isn’t a reward for getting the best grade on a theology test: heaven is a gift from God to us, pure and simple. That can be hard to digest, but it’s the core of Jesus’s message: we don’t earn salvation; it’s given freely and joyfully to us by the God who longs to be with us forever. There is nothing you can be or do to cancel out that gift.
I end that post with links to further discussions on hell, including the suggestion that hell may not be real at all — or if it is, it's not a place packed with souls being punished for all time. God's justice is not human justice; it's not punitive and vengeful like that.
I say all that while also emphasizing that I do firmly believe that God intends and affirms a diversity of sexuality, gender, and so on. God is not disappointed in you for being your beautiful self! Jesus came to liberate us to live fully into those unique selves.
My #affirmation tag is full of stuff on that topic;
and my #rebuttals tag responds to common arguments made against LGBTQA+ persons.
For more on sexuality:
This post responds to someone who grew up steeped in purity culture and felt "defiled" after having sex. I respond with assurance that human beings cannot be "damaged goods"; information about how sexuality is depicted in the Bible; and an example of a faithful sexual ethic that makes room for far more sex than just "between one cis man and one cis woman who are married."
Other resources that might help you as you work through your fears and shame:
I really love this "blessing for our bodies" by Nadia Bolz-Weber. .
For a longer work by the same author, check out Shameless: A Sexual Reformation. If you can't buy the book, it's available in many libraries; it's also available as an audiobook. If you're looking for a book-length exploration of how much of Christianity has used shame around sex to oppress and control various marginalized groups, and how God has a better way, this is my top recommendation. .
Bad Theology Kills by Kevin Garcia is another great book that unpacks the bad fruits of shame and good fruits of affirmation. .
Queer Theology puts out online resources on the topic of sex. Click here for their full webpage of resources.
Or click here for their article "What to Do with Shame, Sex, and Jesus." .
Finally, my FAQ has a section of links to posts about "guilt and fear around sex," including questions about pre-marital sex & masturbation.
Sending you love, anon. May the God who made you as you are and delights in you ease your fears and guide you towards the people and places that can help you find peace and joy. <3
If anyone else has resources or encouragement for anon, please share.
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thepeacefulgarden · 3 hours ago
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awaytoloseyourhead · 12 hours ago
listen to urself, dude.
The first time I practiced yoga was in 2011. After (miraculously) graduating from college in four years—two of which I spent bear crawling through the trenches of the ol’ depresh—I moved back home to Huntington Beach and found myself, unsurprisingly, even more depressed. Originally, yoga was going to be another thing for me to “perfect.” Because if I could do something perfectly, that would mean I was “good” and “valuable.” It would garner me attention, which would also validate my “goodness.” Sports, namely swimming and water polo, had always been my refuge. I settled into my role as an athlete and sought solace in the predictability of practices. Also: I had a thing for praise. A praise kink, if you will. I digress. Validation from authority figures was my gateway drug. If it got me noticed, if it had the potential to earn me attention, I threw myself into it—even if I didn’t necessarily like it. In my family of origin, especially in my relationship with my father, people-pleasing served the purpose of assuaging rage. Anticipating the wants, needs, and desires of others (in compromise to my own wants, needs, and desires) diverted attention away from myself and, if I was lucky, enabled me to fly under the radar. If Pete Walker  were to sit in on one of my water polo practices circa 2006 he’d probably be like, “girl, you’re exhibiting classic fawn response behavior,” and I’d be like, “Pete did you check in through the front office? Where’s your visitor tag?” I never knew why I was always trying so hard to be validated, only that when I did something well or right, my dad didn’t target me and the contempt was dialed down.
I subsequently projected that onto relationships with other people, especially men, causing me to shrink and contort for fear that who i was wasn’t enough. Wholly malleable. Fearful of the ridicule or rejection that might come from authenticity. Fawning became a way of life, and it wrecked my spirit. 
A fawn response is often the result of a child being forced to put her individual self to death. Survival skill as death of self: a great paradox.
Decades passed in which I had no idea who I was; navigating life through the lens of how I could be of use, how I could make others happy, how I could be what they want in order to feel chosen, accepted, or loved. Spend too long in that space and the concept of self-identity becomes non-existent. With therapy and healing I’ve internalized the fleeting nature of external validation and that, when you seek fulfillment outside of self, you get addicted to the vicious cycle of never-enough. Therapy helped me get off the wheel and adhering to core values is the roadmap of how to stay in my lane—even when I get a flat, the AC goes out, or another lifted truck tries to cut me off.
I’ve been thinking about the grand opening of Elemental Wellness and meeting Elle’s mom. Her mom is a retired English teacher with a PhD that she immediately told me about. After cornering me by the cake pops, I was peppered with questions about my decision to leave teaching: “Can’t you still teach in the classroom while doing…this?” “You’ll go back to the classroom, right?” “Teaching is a calling, it takes 10 years to get good at it. You only did it for 5?” Admittedly, I was a bit shook. Amplified by her inability to smile and a narrowed gaze that communicated judgment. I observed my shoulders tense and felt beads of sweat accumulate on the back of my neck: telltale signs of feeling triggered. Allowing her to say what she needed, I affirmed her perspective but fought the impulse to be deferential. While speaking with her, I initially felt pressured to plead my case. But then something clicked: I realized that there is no singular right way to live and, as human beings, that drives us crazy. We seek out certainty and stability and objectivity in a vastly unpredictable universe.
I sought to reframe the interaction which, at one point, would have sent me into a spiral. Instead of deferring to the opinions of others who are likely operating from their own confirmation biases or insecurities, I went within. I acknowledged that her questions (and tone, tbh—Elle, your mom is scary) briefly shook my confidence, but respected the power of personal wisdom and how I’ve grown. I reflected on all I’ve survived, endured, and overcome and how those things were not just luck, they were the result of an indomitable spirit forged by fighting. Nobody else did it for me, I did it for me. That shit builds confidence, it illustrates the importance of not just listening to but honoring your inner knowing. Nobody else can tell you who you are or what you should do, only you can do that. And when you act from that place, from your highest self, that’s when life gets delicious. Insecurity is human, uncertainty is human, asking for advice and assistance is human. But when it comes down to it, you gotta have your own back. Get quiet and go within. Turn down the outside noise. What is your body telling you? Learning a new language can feel like foreign terrain, but when you learn the language of yourself, you get lost a lot less often.
Like Sylvia said, “I took a deep breath and listened to the old brag of my heart. I am, I am, I am.”
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warmblanketwhump · a day ago
Okay, this is SUPER niche, but a trope I really like (especially in fanfics) is when there's some sort of virus or plant or animal bite that's effect is just temporarily increasing how touchy someone is (kind of like an aphrodisiac, but instead it's platonic cuddles!!). The usual reaction is pretty mild; the affected gets kinda grumpy and sensitive, but a lil affection, some rest, and a few days time heals them! However, I love applying this to characters who are already touch starved as allll get out because the reaction is a bit different: it outright HURTS, and when combined with their tendancy to avoid affection and their fear of asking for it, they can't recover, or even function normally. Of course, once they give in and aggressive, extended snuggle sessions ensue, they heal up just fine! :)
okay this is such a unique idea and I’ve never seen it before and I love it?? 😍😍
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this-anxious-life · 18 hours ago
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I haven’t taken selfies in years but look at that! I’m not actually that ugly.
I’ll change my mind in a day or two. enjoy it while it lasts x
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system-of-a-feather · 2 days ago
Curious - and this isn't meant to be shade or anything negative - but are there other POC systems / POC with PTSD who have kinda just stopped talking about their trauma in white prominent environments just because they never get it and in an attempt to help tend to just do microaggressions?
Cause honestly we largely don't bother trying at this point because we've pretty heavily come to terms that most white people simply do not have the breath and awareness of cultural differences to not only understand the trauma but to even respect it properly.
Curious if there were other POC that shared this experience / fatigue / general sense of 'not worth it'.
It's especially bad in my experience with a lot of people unintentionally screaming their lack of awareness over Model Minority and shit and its so fucking not worth explaining or even bringing up. And no, I probably won't explain it here unless I'm in a good chatty mood cause I'm really over trying to explain that to white people and its not my responsibility to educate them.
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feral-ballad · 4 months ago
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Clementine Von Radics, from In A Dream You Saw A Way To Survive; “You are on the floor crying”
[Text ID: “And you have been / on the floor crying / for days. / And that is you / being brave. / That is you getting through it / as best you know how. / No one else can decide / What your tough looks like.”]
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compassionatereminders · 5 months ago
If you have a big, emotional, self hating meltdown every time someone tells you that you hurt them or crossed a boundary of theirs, then that means you're not a safe person to say no to - and that's something you need to work on. Even if you're genuinely just really upset that you hurt someone, if every attempt at communicating a boundary to you results in the person you hurt having to repeatedly reassure you that you're not actually a bad person, then you need to work on controlling yourself and taking constructive criticism.
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akindplace · a day ago
Setting up a timeframe for your healing process to happen might only increase the stress you already have during the process of recovery. Accept that healing has its highs and lows, like everything in life has. It will teach you how to cope with other challenges that might come along when you accept that life can't be perfectly happy all the time. Remember that progress often includes setbacks, that change is usually uncomfortable and hard, and for a while things might seem like they never change much or they aren't changing for the better, but good things will start coming your way when you are healing.
Now, even if something doesn't have a cure, or if you have a long way until you get better, it doesn't mean trying to recover isn't worth it. It is because you are worthy of being alive and living a content and comfortable existence. Try not to pressure yourself in terms of how successfully your recovery journey should be during a limited amount of time. This is your recovery. Do it at your own time.
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artsyolivia · 9 months ago
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pathologising · a month ago
Dismiss the idea that you are cursed to suffer for eternity and start bringing little joys into your life NOW. It will build up in time...
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