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Narcissism, how it started to destroy my marriage. I am the narcissist in the relationship, my wife Kayla, has 0% narcissism in her. Having narcissism in my life was more than enough to bring destruction to my marriage. Almost all the the traits tied to narcissism I have exemplified except for physical abuse.

I have gaslighted

I have screamed

I have confused her

I have put my needs above her own needs

I have criticized

I have love bombed

I have heightened her anxiety

I have made her doubt herself

I have caused panic attacks

I have destroyed emotions and emotional safety

I have lied and I have cheated

• • •

Yes, narcissism helped me destroy everything good in my marriage. The self absorbed way that I live. Arguments I can win by gas lighting, confusing or commanding. Making my wife walk on eggshells to please me while not caring how that affected her. The lack of emotions I would share with her while judging and degrading her own emotions and struggles. The nights spent arguing and listening to her cry while feeling annoyed that I had to be inconvenienced by her emotions.

Why am I painting such an awful picture?

This stuff is real. This is a huge struggle for me and lots of other people out there. Narcissism and my choices have had us at the brink of destruction for years.

How do you come back from that? How do you heal? Where is the light in that dark tunnel?

#wakeupwarrior #motivation #repost #survivor #relationships #ptsd #mentalhealth #love #sad #gaslighting #psychologicalabuse #motivation #abuse #quotes #divorce #inspiration #recovery #loveyourself #selflove #life #healing #sociopath #psychopath #mentalhealthawareness #depression #anxiety #narcissisticabuse #toxicrelationships #emotionalabuse #narcissism (at Chesapeake, Virginia)

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It Doesn’t Take a Rocket Scientist to Solve the Racism Problem in Business

It Doesn’t Take a Rocket Scientist to Solve the Racism Problem in Business

4, 2020

6 min read

Opinions expressed by Entrepreneur contributors are their own.

To see the grotesqueness of what’s happening in America … this is not the America I dreamed of as a child. This is not the America I grew up wanting to be a part of, the America where I served in the military. 
I was born in New York and raised in Ghana. When I was 16, my parents saved enough to send me back…


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CN: recovering pet whumpee.

Ellis’s Taglist: @lonesome–hunter, @iaminamoodymoodtoday, @wildfaewhump, @ishouldblogmore, @lektricwhump, @that-one-thespian, @raigash, @just-a-whumping-racoon-with-wifi, @rosesareviolentlyread, @castielamigos-whump-side-blog

Ellis wakes up on the bed between Felicity and Nic. It’s dark outside still; the nights are long right now, and even though Felicity rises early, she’s not usually up before sunrise at the moment. She stays up late to spend time with Nic, after Ellis has become tired and gone to bed.

Bed. It’s soft, so soft he worries about floating away, but he wakes up held. Felicity’s warm arm is draped over his waist, her forehead against his back. Felicity gives good hugs, though she doesn’t like it when he nuzzles. Not like Master.

Nic sleeps on the very edge of the bed, now. Ellis knows it’s because he clings to them otherwise. When he clings to them, they don’t sleep. He’s heard them talking about it.

But they never push him off or send him to the floor. They never even mentioned it. Ever since those awful weeks with the voice, Ellis hasn’t been able to sleep in the dark alone. He reaches for them, to chase away the cold and loneliness of the pitch black in his head.

Felicity is a good enough replacement. Ellis relaxes into her arms, feeling her breath through his thin T-shirt, pooling warm and then damp on his skin.

It’s someone real, who hasn’t left in the night, or in any of the nights before now. She’s something he wouldn’t see at home, where even Master sometimes had to leave him alone.

She’s good.

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your well being is important too" Stickers by fill14sketchboo | Redbubble

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Dealing With Executive Dysfunction - A Summary

(The full post with elaborate explanations can be found here.)

  • Being a responsible adult doesn’t have to mean doing things perfectly - it means doing what you realistically can. Can’t eat 7 fresh veggies and fruits a day? Buy some veggie juice or a smoothie and chug that. Can’t make a proper, healthy meal? Add some extra protein to your instant noodles. Can’t do the dishes? Buy some paper plates. Don’t worry about doing things “the right way”, just do what works.
  • It’s not cheating to do something the easy way. If there’s an easy or more manageable solution available, use it. Even if some people think it’s lazy. Don’t worry about that. Just focus on finding the methods of doing things which make life easier for you.
  • Fuck what you’re “supposed” to do. Yes, ideally you shouldn’t run the dishwasher twice, but if cleansing the dishes by hand is not an option and that’s the only way you can get clean dishes, do it anyways! When you’re in a really bad place mentally, fuck the rules. Do what you need to do to get shit done, even if it’s not how you’re supposed to do it.
  • Do stuff while you’re waiting to do other stuff. We spend a lot of time waiting, so spend the time you’d normally just waste getting some chores done. Collect the trash while your roommate is in the bathroom or wipe down the kitchen counters while you’re making coffee. You can even turn it into a game! How many dishes can you clean before the potatoes are boiling? How much trash can you collect and throw out before your load of laundry is done?
  • You don’t have to do everything at once. Don’t wait for the day where you’re up for cleaning the entire house cause then you’ll be waiting for ages. You can wipe down one counter and call it a day. You can put away a couple things and leave the rest. You can do one small chore and let that be it. You don’t have to choose between doing everything and doing nothing. Any progress is worthwhile.
  • Let go of the idea that something has to become a permanent habit to have any value. Doing a certain sport for a month is still healthy even if you then move on to something else. Exploring a new hobby for a while and then moving on to other stuff will always teach you something. What’s good for you today will not necessarily be what’s good for you tomorrow.
  • Don’t worry about the entire task. Just focus on the first step. Don’t worry about brushing your teeth - just get your toothbrush wet and put tooth paste on it. Don’t worry about writing the essay - just look at the assignment and open a document. Don’t worry about going to the store - just put on your coat and your shoes. Starting a task is a lot easier if you only focus on the step right in front of you.
  • Imagine that your body is a pet/animal you have to care for. Feed and hydrate yourself, keep yourself and your environment clean, make sure you don’t get under or overstimulated, allow yourself time to rest and relax, find ways to enrich your life (like socializing, media or hobbies) - and do your best to make sure you’re healthy and happy, even though you never actually signed up for being your own zookeeper.
  • Just because you can’t do it perfectly doesn’t mean you should stop trying. Packing lunch a couple times a week is better than never packing lunches. Journaling or making art once a month is better than never doing anything creative. Exercising every once in a while when you have the energy is better than never exercising. You don’t have to do something every single day for it to be important and helpful.
  • Put on a professional persona when it’s necessary. Try to separate the anxious and dysfunctional you from the Student You who’s sending that important email or the Client You who’s making that phone call or the Customer You who isn’t afraid to ask for help. It might feel like you’re performing a role, but to be honest, most of us do at times.
  • When you’re doing chores, act like you’re filming a tutorial. Narrate what you’re doing like someone’s watching. That might make it easier to maintain focus and to keep track of the various steps.
  • You don’t have to do anything perfectly. Wiping yourself off with some baby wipes beats not doing anything about your personal hygiene. Eating a protein bar beats not eating. Using mouthwash beats neglecting dental hygiene completely. Going for a quick walk beats not moving. It doesn’t have to be perfect to count and make a difference.
  • Make something you know you have to do the trigger for you to start doing something else. Tell yourself “next time I get up to pee I’ll take out the trash” or “when I get up to get something to drink next I’ll make lunch.” If you HAVE to get up anyways, you might as well.
  • Assign yourself a deadline. Tell yourself “once this video is over, I’ll do the dishes” or “once this alarm rings, I’ll do my laundry.” 
  • If you struggle to be compassionate towards yourself, try visualizing your future self as a separate person who you like and want to do favors for. Try to think of your future self as a friend who is separate from your current self and do what you can to make their life easier by doing things like preparing that lunch, doing those chores, taking that shower or making fun plans. I know they’ll be grateful.
  • Make putting stuff back where it belongs so easy that you “might as well.” Organize your home so that placing stuff where it belongs becomes so easy that you might as well just place it there. For many people that means several laundry baskets, many trash cans and easily accessible and very visible storage options. So if you keep finding things in annoying places, make sure they get an easily accessible home!
  • Look into why you can’t do something. Is something about the chores you’re struggling to do actually causing you sensory distress and is there something you can do to make it more comfortable? If you hate mint toothpaste, get one that tastes like bubble gum. If old food grosses you out, do the dishes with thick gloves on. If showering makes you feel bad about your body, shower with the lights off. The problem isn’t always about self discipline, and in those cases it’s worth looking into why you’re struggling so much to get certain chores done.
  • Take care of yourself in order to take care of others ( whether pets or people.) Outside motivation is necessary for many people who struggle with executive dysfunction. For many people getting out of bed is easier when you know someone else is relying on you being somewhat functional. So don’t be afraid to find the motivation to take care of yourself in wanting to take care of others.
  • Make keeping your place clean as easy as possible. Make sure there’s easy one step access to the things you need often. Make sure that the place where a thing is supposed to be is actually within reach of where you use the thing. Make sure everything has a an easily accessible place to go, even if that means several laundry baskets and several trash cans. Examine what’s messing up your place and find a home for it where you’re likely to actually place it on a regular basis.
  • Choose one very specific thing to work on - like the bathroom sink or the oven or your desk. If you suffer from executive dysfunction you’ll likely be distracted, but having one specific focus point you can keep returning to will mean that in between getting distracted, you can return to your chosen project and get some shit done.
  • When something feels overwhelming, tell yourself to “just show up” and that you “won’t have to stay the whole time if it’s horrible.” Cause odds are that once you’ve pushed past your initial mental block, you’re likely to stay and finish what you started.
  • If you really can’t do something, accept your limits and find a different method. Don’t keep trying to push through via willpower alone. If you need outside accountability to get your shit done, find someone who can hold you accountable. If you know you can’t remember the stuff you’re supposed to remember, make sure to always write things down. If you keep forgetting your meds, set a daily alarm. Don’t keep expecting yourself to be able to do things you always struggle with.
  • Make your chores into a game. Assign certain chores certain points and make a list of fun rewards you can have once you’ve earned a certain amount of points through doing chores.
  • If it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing poorly. Any amount of effort is better than none, so on days where you can’t do something well, do it anyways! Any amount of progress beats not getting started.
  • Find a momentum and use it to do that thing you’ve been struggling to start doing. You can’t get yourself together to shower? Well, find something you CAN do - and once you’re already doing something, you might be able to channel said energy into showering.
  • Take it one step at a time. I know a shower sounds overwhelming, but can you take your clothes off? If yes, can you turn on the shower? If yes, can you stand under the stream? Look who just tricked themselves into doing the thing by breaking it down into manageable chunks!
  • Don’t just break a task into smaller steps - break it into steps so small you can’t possible get overwhelmed and fuck up. “Clean my room” is far too vague - but “set a timer and collect all the trash you can in 10 minutes” is actually manageable and so is “move all dirty dishes to the kitchen” or “remove and/or sort all clothes laying on the floor.”
  • Don’t worry about how most people do things - worry about what works for YOU. You constantly lose your key? Make ten copies. You overlook your post it notes? Put something with the important reminder on it in front of the door. Got laundry and trash all over the floor? Get more laundry baskets/trash cans. Coping with executive dysfunction is not about learning to do things the neurotypical way, it’s about finding strategies which actually work for you.
  • When you’re overwhelmed and struggling, find the easiest and fastest way to get rid of some of the distress. Eat if you’re hungry, sleep if you’re tired, pee if you have to, get that thing you’ve been postponing done if you can. The more stressors you can remove, the better - and it’s okay to start with the smaller ones!
  • Don’t worry about aesthetics. When you struggle with executive dysfunction, maintaining a picture perfect home is probably unrealistic. So drop that dream and focus on making your space practical and functional. Remove the doors of your kitchen cabinets and closets if that will actually make you put stuff away. Get a paper shredder and a mail sorting station if you got mail and advertisements everywhere. Buy all your socks in one color if you struggle to pair them. There are many ways to make your environment more functional. Explore them instead of just trying and failing to make your home look nice.
  • Get started on your next task before you take your break. Write that first sentence, make that first sketch, get the vacuum cleaner out of the closet or collect the dishes for washing and THEN have your break. Many people with executive dysfunction struggle to start tasks, so for most of us it’s easier to continue something we’ve already started working on than to begin from scratch.
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Never change your boundaries just because someone got angry because of them. You should not make yourself uncomfortable at somebody else’s expense. You are right to protect yourself and your feelings.

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After years and years of struggling i finally found a way of coping that works for me. Drawing myself with damage i want to inflict. I dont want to seem like im romanticizing self harm, but this made me feel secure.

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I finally got the discharging date! I’m so excited!! Its been 15 months of involuntarily hospitalisation and I’m finally stable enough to get discharged!!

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Struggling rn so clinging to the positive things.

Positive things from today (18/01/2021):

- the neighbours brought cake and I ate a slice! (ED who?)

- i cuddled with my cat

- i got some homework done

- it snowed today, which is lovely

- my prn meds helped!

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I want to talk to you.

I want to know how things are, what have you been doing? I want to know that you’re doing okay in lockdown.

My new job is going well and the only person I want to talk to about it is you. Lockdown is making me feel really down, and you always knew how to cheer me up.

It’s sad, isn’t it? That we were once so happy, and now we are strangers.

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I know that there’s no “right way” to start recovery. But I figured that asking for advice doesn’t hurt. Are there any things that you would’ve liked to know when you were starting out?

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Carb aversion

I wish I wasn’t scared of whole carbs and the thought of a well rounded nutritious food with healthy carbs didn’t give me high levels of anxiety 😫😫😫

But I want to enjoy perfectly fine foods again so I’m doing my best to reintroduce them little by little in my diet (diet as of way of eating). I deserve every piece of joy and freedom I can get and I’m going to get them.

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