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whovianderson · 2 months

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Why does Fox Mulder mean so much to me?

Trigger warnings: discussions of trauma, abuse, cancer, suicide, depression

Fox Mulder is so much more than a character to me. Never have I seen the inner workings of my mind represented in the way that I do in him. I feel like we understand each other, like we function the same way in this world.

Not to state the obvious, but Mulder is traumatised. Samantha’s disappearance changed his brain chemistry, and in turn, his life. As someone who has complex PTSD as a result of relationship abuse, I relate to this more than I can say. In ‘Oubliette’, Mulder’s desperation to change the course of events was out of fear of a repeat of what happened to Samantha. In this, I see myself trying to ensure that nothing like what I experienced happens again, both because of its effects on the other person, and on me. Of course, I've had to learn the hard way that I am ultimately powerless to control what happens to others. The difficulties I’ve had coming to terms with that are portrayed perfectly by Mulder's distress when he realised that Lucy had sacrificed herself for Amy, despite his best efforts. There's also a sense of inevitability and inescapability from the cycle of trauma when such things keep happening that is deeply harrowing.

In ‘Demons’, Mulder’s fear of not knowing something traumatic that happened reminded me of what I have been grappling with for years. As well as trauma from a past relationship, my sister has further traumatised me due to her severe mental health problems. It would trigger my own too much for me to know everything that is happening to her, but the unknown is worse for me, because I can't process it. My traumatised mind jumps to the worst case scenario. Thus, once again, Mulder’s reaction to being left in the dark felt like I was looking in a mirror. The sympathetic way in which his behaviour in this episode was written shows how no reaction can be considered disproportionate when it's because you're traumatised, and that is beyond validating for me. The depiction of flashbacks here also felt painfully accurate.

In ‘Memento Mori’, I recognised a lot of Mulder’s emotions due to my own experiences of life-threatening illness in people I love. Little did I know how much harder ‘Redux’ would hit! In ‘Redux’, Mulder believes he is responsible for Scully’s cancer and impending death. I know firsthand what it’s like to hold yourself responsible for someone else’s life, what it feels like to believe that you are killing somebody. I was continually shown that I couldn’t save the very person who told me I had to, because she kept getting sicker. As a result, other people’s suffering has become synonymous with my own personal failure and the consequent guilt in my mind. I would rather be failed by somebody else than have failed myself. This means that exactly like Mulder, on the verge of suicide in this episode, I would rather be the one who dies than feel so crushingly guilty. While horrible to witness, I have never seen the mental deterioration of a character who has assumed responsibility for another’s life so accurately portrayed, and that makes me feel more understood than ever before.

The entire premise of ‘The X-Files’ is that Mulder refuses to come to terms with his sister’s disappearance. His constant search for an alternative explanation, no matter how far-fetched, is what drives his character from the beginning. As an audience, we can see how that’s a form of denial, as can characters like Scully. Scully says “if it’s only by knowing where he’s been that he can hope to understand where he’s going, then I fear Agent Mulder may lose his course”. I haven’t finished the show yet, but having watched seven seasons, I am confident when I say that the crux of its development is that Mulder comes to understand “where he’s going”, without relying on “where he’s been”. As someone with a past that they quite frankly would rather die than relive, it brings me so much hope to think that I don’t have to dwell on it, that like Mulder learns to over the course of the show, I can live my life free of its shackles. That’s why ‘Closure’ is such a significant episode. However much one tries, it is impossible to explain away trauma - it happened, and one simply has to come to terms with its incomprehensible injustice. That is exactly what Mulder does here. It’s ironically titled, because there is no closure when it comes to the past, but he shows that personal growth isn’t dependent on getting that closure. Instead, he is of his own volition able to let go of the coping mechanism that has driven him up to this point: his belief that Samantha was abducted. Engaging in various types of therapy, including EMDR, to overcome my own coping mechanisms in response to my trauma is the scariest thing I have ever had to do (and that’s saying something). Seeing not only that journey represented onscreen, but shown coming to fruition, means everything.

Mulder’s trauma should incline him to be distrustful of everyone, as his ‘trust no one’ catchphrase would suggest. He evidently knows this, and yet he wants to believe in other people’s integrity so much so that it overrides the fear, and he trusts them anyway. He will take people at their word, whether that be about UFO sightings or something else. He chooses to see the good in everybody, despite having every reason not to, because, in his words, “if you don’t start trusting someone, you don’t stand a chance”. This attitude is possibly the aspect of my own personality about which I am most insecure. I used to hate myself so much for it that I wouldn’t open up to anyone at all in an effort to change who I was. I suppose I hated acting against what my experiences had shown to be true: that I could ‘trust no one’. Since meeting Mulder, though, I have thought of him every single time I begin to hate myself for being this way. This soothes me more than I can possibly describe. He makes me feel like it’s okay to be like me, or should I say, like us. Me wanting to believe in other people is not the detestable thing I had always viewed it as. I don’t think I would be able to carry on if it weren’t for his presence in this part my life. I cannot overstate his impact on me here.

Part of the reason for both me and Mulder being so trusting of others is because we do not trust ourselves. Deep down, he is insecure about whether his belief in Samantha’s abduction is credible, and so he relies on others to evidence it. For me, I do not treat my experiences as legitimate, and so I need other people’s responses to give me the validation that I cannot find within myself.

If it weren’t already obvious, I am autistic. My predisposition to trust, taking things at face value, is one manifestation of my autism. That’s not to say it’s the same for every autistic person, of course, but for me and for Mulder, I believe it is. In general, he is one of the most clearly autistic-coded characters I have ever encountered. He is ostracised by his peers and written off as ‘spooky’ for being different, something that many of us go through. Maybe, like it is for me, that’s part of the reason why he trusts people right off the bat: he wants to get the rejection that he’s used to facing out of the way before he puts in any effort. Or maybe he’s just a bad judge of what is and isn’t appropriate in a social context, again very much a trait of autism. And that’s not to mention his devotion to the X-Files and to Scully. Him surrendering every part of himself to them is exactly how I relate to the world, because all-or-nothing thinking is a huge way in which my autism functions. I was actually only diagnosed with autism two years ago, and having representation, implied or otherwise, in a character as alike to me as Mulder has helped me settle into my new identity.

It would be remiss not to further explore the fact that Mulder wouldn’t be Mulder without Scully. In the pilot, he tells Scully about his theory because he desperately wants someone on his side. She ends up not being the person he thinks he wants, but the person he actually needs. Without her, he wouldn’t have made it to the place he does in ‘Closure’; she challenges the beliefs he uses to cope, but most importantly, she loves him through it. Scully shows Mulder how genuine love can be when you’re not just being told what you want to hear, and as a result, she becomes the only person whom he can truly rely upon. The most important similarity between me and Mulder is of course that I too am in love with Scully! Scully is an incredible character who I would love to write more about in her own right, but I don’t feel as personally connected to her as I do to Mulder. I guess I’ll just say that I hope that I, and every other Mulder out there, find our Scully. People like us have so much love to give. We love so much and so deeply that people who return our love in full are almost impossible to find. One in five billion, you could say.

I cannot wait to get to know different facets of my all-time favourite character as I finish watching ‘The X-Files’. I know he will only become more important to me, especially since I know he ends up struggling with depression like I do. I hope I’ve demonstrated in writing this how beyond grateful I am to have been introduced to him, someone who is practically more me than I am! The fandom is a wonderful place to be, but in writing this, I also aim to remind myself how much the show and Mulder’s character mean to me personally.

Like Mulder, I am constantly moving, driven by the thought that “I wouldn’t know what I’d be missing”. But every once in a while, something comes along that makes me want to stay with it forever. And ‘The X-Files’, specifically the character of Fox Mulder, is one of them.

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poweroftwelve · 6 months

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Main Story: Into the Wild (Part 2)

In a deserted clearing, an old gray molly sat alone, staring up at the lone half-moon. The stars were murky as dark clouds drifted by, creating a gloomy fog of unease within her. From the shadows she could hear the faint sounds of breathing, soft and even as sleeping cats dreamed away the night without a clue as to her thoughts.

The camp was so still, that when a tortoiseshell cat did emerge from the darkness, the gray molly’s fur prickled with surprise. No words were exchanged between the two as the tortoiseshell settled beside her.

The gray cat dipped her head in greeting. “How is Mousefur?” she softly asked.

“Her wounds are deep, Bluestar,” the tortoiseshell answered. “But she is strong; she’ll heal quickly.”

“And the others?”

“They’ll all recover too.”

Bluestar sighed, relief revealing itself in the way her head and shoulders fell. “We’re lucky to not have lost anyone this time. You are a gifted cleric, Spottedleaf.” Her blue eyes flicked up to the moon, straightening herself up. “I’m sorry you weren’t able to attend the half-moon meeting.”

Spottedleaf couldn’t help but purr in amusement. “It would’ve been an awkward and unusual one. I wouldn’t have been able to look at Mudfur with a straight face, now would I?”

Her attempt at a joke was met with silence from Bluestar. Spottedleaf’s face fell, the molly looking down at her paws before brushing her tail over Bluestar’s flank. “Bluestar?”

The gray molly shook her head. “I am deeply troubled by tonight’s defeat. ThunderClan has not been beaten in its own territory since I became leader,” she admitted, ears flattening. “These are difficult times for our Clan. The season of newleaf is late, and there have been fewer kits. ThunderClan needs more warriors if it is to survive.”

“But the year is only just beginning,” Spottedleaf pointed out, nudging her leader and offering her an assuring gaze. “There will be more kits when Greenleaf comes. There always are.”

Bluestar glanced back at her. Her dull expression seemed to brighten just faintly, and she’d sigh again. “Perhaps…” She smiled back at the tortoiseshell, thankful for her kind ear. “Training our young to become warriors takes time though.”

“I can only imagine you’re eager to make Graykit an apprentice then?” Spottedleaf purred playfully.

“Training will encourage him to listen for once, that’s for sure. He certainly didn’t get his father’s manners.” Bluestar couldn’t help but chuckle. Her ear twitched, a purr rumbling in her throat. Her weariness seemed to have eased, and she'd give a dip of her head to the cleric. “Thank you.”

Spottedleaf nodded back, before looking up at the dark sky. She tilted her head in thought, watching as another star was covered by the rolling clouds. “Are you asking StarClan for answers?”

Bluestar paused before nodding. “It is times like this that I’d be reassured by words from our ancient ancestors.” She narrowed her eyes and cast a glance at Spottedleaf. “Though I suppose you may have spoken to them had tonight not been interrupted.”

“Details, details,” Spottedleaf purred, flicking her tail dismissively before laughing. “StarClan hasn’t spoken to me in some moons, Bluestar. I wouldn’t…”

Suddenly, a shooting star blazed over the sky, Spottedleaf freezing as if time had stopped. The fur on her back bristled, and her amber eyes were wide, not daring to look away.

Bluestar’s ears pricked, but she remained silent as Spottedleaf continued to gaze upward.

After a few moments, Spottedleaf hung her head low. Her eyes flicked back and forth, before she rapidly rose and turned to Bluestar. “It was a message-” she whispered breathlessly. “-from StarClan.” Spottedleaf’s gaze was unfocused, her pupils shaped like the full moon.

“Fire alone can save our Clan.”

“Fire?” Bluestar stared at Spottedleaf incredulously. “But fire is feared by all the Clans! How can it save us?”

“I do not know.” Spottedleaf’s voice was hollow, though as she shook her head, she blinked rapidly and seemed to regain some semblance of focus. “But… this is the message StarClan has chosen to share with me.”

A twisted feeling settled in Bluestar’s belly. She looked out into the dark woods, their endless unknowns taunting her with the secrets they held each and every day. Yet as she turned to look back at Spottedleaf, she’d nod with acceptance. “You’ve never been wrong before, Spottedleaf. If StarClan has spoken, then it must be so,” she meowed.

“Fire will save our Clan.”

Allegiances

ThunderClan ShadowClan WindClan RiverClan

Next (coming soon)

#po12 #warrior cats #waca #wc #art #into the wild #writing #rewrite #redux #bluestar #spottedleaf

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