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#rejection sensitive dysphoria

my friend replied. and i’m.. overwhelmed. i guess? 

i didn’t know it was rsd at the time, but my rsd caused issues in a past friendship. and basically i ended up getting completely shit on bc i was getting hurt bc someone was ignoring me. and i was kinda expecting the same thing, i think?

just like. a fuckin’ callout or something. or expecting them to shit on me.

but they didn’t. i’ve done nothing wrong. they’ve been busy and not feeling social.

and even tho there’s a part of my brain that STILL hurts, cos my other friend still hasn’t talked to me. it’s. something.

at least i’m not hated. at least i’ve not done something wrong.

and i’m just gonna. ignore steam for a while too. cos that keeps triggering rsd too and like. yeah. i’m not gonna go on it. just gonna like. pretend it doesn’t exist.

i’m just. relieved. i cried when i saw it. but i’m relieved now. hopefully rsd will back off a bit ;w;

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Interesting!!! And no, it’s not your fault, I’m not angry at you but medical professionals in general. I’m just angry at what they continue to ignore and thinking about it makes me triggered qwq.

And I see, when I do talk about RSD, I do mean specifically ADHD, so I’m sorry if that was understood to be what I thought. And I didn’t know it was a symptom of other disorders specifically.

And yeah, I apologise for my intensity, but thinking about medical professionals like that actually triggers me n my rsd egfvcbcvcvcbcbfbcbcbcbvbc

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oh no, im gonna punch the medical community dammit.

fuck i didn’t know this ah shit. Oh well. I mean like- it’s more like a symptom of ADHD. And ??? Idk??? Heck.

I don’t think even most of the ADHD community knows this as it is a generally accepted term in the community. You tend to see a lot bigger blogs use this term as well??

Like damn, medical community get on the research or face my wrath.

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why cant everyone in the world be nice and kind and soft 😭 i really feel like i’m too sensitive to be alive. when someone isn’t super nice and soft to me i immediately assume they hate me, there’s something wrong with me and that i might as well stop existing.

WHY am i like this. i have never had therapy, i’m barely keeping up this facade. straight A*s, perfect rep, good friend. it’s all going down the drain like my fucking mental health. my heart feels like a bird with a broken wing, like it’s barely holding on. i’m on the verge of collapsing emotionally. and i still fucking smile and grin to everyone because more than anything, i cannot admit that i’m breaking apart.

i’m so sensitive i think i might die in the real world. i’m 17, i haven’t seen it yet. i don’t think i will be able to handle it.

my dad says he was so harsh to me growing up because “that’s the way the world works, i’m doing you a favor.” no, dad. you made me so, bitterly, extremely, devastatingly terrified of failure that i cannot even accept anything less than praise. i’m destroying myself by overthinking. when does it get better. when does this pain stop.

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A Kind Heart

For as long as I can remember, I have always been told that I have a “kind heart.” I don’t disagree, I’ve always tried my hardest to be nice and thoughtful towards others, even when it was difficult. For about as long, I have also lived with the diagnosis of ADHD since I was about 6 or 7 years old. Unlike the former label, this one I have spent much of my life avoiding, feeling ashamed of my mind and our constant failures. Whether diagnosed or not, growing up with ADHD is to be subjected to a mounting pile of rejections. Rejection from your peers who see you as stupid or weird, rejection from your teachers as you fail tests and forget homework time and again, even rejection from your parents, who tire of picking up the pieces when you’re unable to keep up. Of course some of these are more perceived than real, but to the neuro-divergent mind they read all the same.

You have fallen too far behind, you are lazy, you are worthless.

Who would ever want someone like you?

Who could ever love someone like you?

By the time of your first breakup, you’re already so used to these words that they repeat inside your head a mile a minute, with no ability to stop. You begin to feel crazy, and wonder if this “sensitivity” is really some madness you’ll never come back from. Soon that kind heart begins to calcify, building up some brittle defense against all the hurt you seem incapable of avoiding. You still care for others so deeply and so quickly that you’ll start to cut them out and push them away rather than risk another outburst or downward spiral. Even with years of dealing with these rejections, it is still so hard to differentiate them, and waiting a few hours for a text reply somehow becomes a daily reminder of your non-existent value. To even try and explain these feelings to others serves only to make you sound like a jealous and insecure loon, and soon you’ll learn it’s better to avoid talking about it at all.

Clearly I don’t enjoy being this way, but for better or worse, I am. But I am trying my hardest every day, even when it doesn’t seem like it. I have done my best to understand myself as I have for others, even when the truth isn’t pretty. My kind heart is still beating, and despite how vulnerable it’s made me I’m learning to appreciate it and set aside more of that kindness for myself. And though it makes me feel deeply corny, I have even looked in the mirror to remind myself that the love I give so freely is there for me as well. Curled up in a pile of blankets across from my reflection, I look him in the eyes and repeat a few words, enough so that I can feel them.

I am proud of you for trying.

I love you for trying.

I love you, no matter what.

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I hope that by the time I wake up tomorrow this seems exaggerated and false, but for now, this feels like the unvarnished truth. A note to myself::

The love that you need will not be there when you need it the most. Help is not coming. You are not loved. You may feel loved when it is easier again. But it won’t be true. Because it will disappear when it’s not easy anymore.

It’s not coming soon. It’s not coming late. Because when you are at your lowest, saddest, and most broken, no one will want to be around you.

No one wants to sit with you while you cry. Especially if they are the reason you’re crying. It doesn’t matter that your brain physically can’t focus sometimes. It doesn’t matter that there are too many instances where you can read the same thing over and over and still not process. Lots of people have moments like that, after all. They don’t understand how it’s different.

It doesn’t matter that for you this principle also applies to things you see and hear. It doesn’t matter that mental or emotional stress contribute to make these symptoms worse. People don’t understand it. And even if they did…. it doesn’t matter because no one fucking cares, man. Don’t be fucking ridiculous.

If you want some kind of love and affection, paste a smile on your face and go along with what people put in front of you, even if you’re tired. Even if you’re sad. Even if you’re scared. Even if you can’t focus. Just pretend that you can keep up. No one will love you once they see those weaknesses in you. They will leave until it’s easy again.

Any comfort you feel in the presence of another is an illusion that will be broken when you falter….They will leave.

So be helpful. Be good. Be attentive. Be useful. Keep it light. Don’t bother trying to share your interests. No one wants to really know that much about you. Don’t be bothersome. It’s annoying. They want you to listen and be interested in their stuff. You’re not essential. You’re expendable. You’re not even real. You’re an audience. Literally.

How you feel doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is how you make others feel. It’s easy to observe the truth of this. When things are difficult, people leave. Period. 

If you’re unable to perform to the standard that others want or expect you to perform to, they will blame you, become impatient with you, they’ll take it as a sign that you don’t care enough. And they WILL leave. Every time. And they’ll tell themselves it doesn’t matter because if you cared, it wouldn’t have to be that way. They will justify it and absolve themselves. They’ll go and look for someone easier because you never really mattered that much. What mattered was how you made them feel.

People don’t want you to take part in life with them. They want you to watch them from a distance so they can flip a switch to make you disappear when things aren’t easy anymore. That way they don’t have to feel guilty for looking at other things that are easy instead.

Poor you. Suck it up.

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I hate my brain. cos. it’s like i don’t get attention for 1 minute. and then im like. well great, everyone hates me. nice to know people give a shit. real nice of you lads.

like this bitch gets bitter for no fucking reason? and then just. cries about it

like. i don’t get a response from something and my instant reaction is to cry. cos my brain just automatically assumes the worst and that everyone hates me

fuck this shit, seriously. at this point i just like. CANT be on discord, cos being on it just. hurts man. it really hurts.

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an rsd mood is everyone thinking u absorb information easily and really enjoy learning bc u always come out with random facts and stories when in fact u seek out information u think will impress people bc u need the attention and praise

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the worst friendship anxiety is when youre absolutely 100% certain that theyre angry at you no matter how much they assure you otherwise and you know theyre not a liar but you also know theres nothing they can say that will convince you otherwise because your brain is a fucking nightmare machine

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Ok Kipo definitely has adhd. Like in that one episode “I can’t concentrate on concentrating anymore!” Like SERIOUSLY, also hyperfixations with science and the stars and stuff, and rejection sensitive dysphoria when wolf runs away when she first finds out Kipo’s part mute. Anyways either I’m right or I’m hardcore projecting

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