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#relapse

TW:Relapse, eating disorder related

I relapsed last night. I’m trying not to feel bad about myself for it. I hadn’t purged in about 3 months and I’ve had some tumultuous interpersonal events happen the last couple days. Paired with the tension in my city about the protests and returning to work after my day off….everything got to be too much.


But I am strong. I am committed to recovery, I still love myself, and I forgive myself for slipping. I am stressed and worried and I forgive myself.

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Like it’s not as simple as “just eat”

Like I wanna but I just can’t

I try so hard but it’s just hard

Between the texture of the food to the smell to the weight on my tongue and the energy it takes to chew it

It’s all just too much

And then I’m not even hungry! Like I’m not, my stomach, belive it or not, feels like it’s full and eating just makes it hurt like I over ate and then I’m just uncomfortable

I know it doesn’t make sense but that’s just how it is and it’s so frustrating like I’m not starving myself I just can’t eat

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IM SO TIRED OF BEING SICK I JUST WANT TO WANT TO GET BETTER AND IM TRYING I SWEAR IM TRYING BUT IM LOSING TO MYSELF IN A BATTLE THAT I NEVER CHOSE AND IM NOT SURE HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN DO THIS

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My mouth still tastes like the conditioner I swallowed to make myself throw up. My arms still look like they did that night, when you argued with me about who had it worse when I was bleeding and you were judging. My meds have the same amount of pills in them as last week, last month. My eyes sting, arms burn, throat hurts.

Look me in the eyes and tell me I’m lying one more time.

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Going to the liquor store when you live in a small town and you’re a recovering alcoholic who had four months sober and it should have been 6 months sober but you relapsed two months ago and you’ve been able to hide it from your family and don’t want to run into anyone you know who could tell your family they saw you at the liquor store should be considered an extreme sport

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I don’t know what to do anymore..

There’s so much drama, crap and a chain reaction of bad luck going on in my life at the moment….its getting too much to handle in all of this. I don’t know how much more of the bad shit is gonna happen or how much I’m able to handle before I just collapse..

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I need to get my medication on Tuesday and I’m already losing my mind over it and its only Saturday.

Ugh….on top of all those thoughts and worries my anxiety is out of control… send help

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