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Man, I never realized how often he made me feel like I had to apologize for EVERYTHING until I started talking to other people who consistently remind me that it is okay and I have nothing to apologize for, especially when I’m upset and cannot pinpoint a reason.

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every day she passed
marching in the street
personable that only the the light
at night illuminated.
but he never noticed
that he was agonised
bordering on having a heart attack
and dying for the puppet
only not to say to her,
i love you well-loved.

one day his kids made fun of
her way of walking
her hair swinging.
a thousand cupids wounded him with an arrow
leaving him in love,
slobbering, drippy and foolish,
shaking her hand.
on this day he said to her,
i love you well-loved.

after there were so many snuggles,
kisses and smells of the scruff
his chest gave a buck
in a great unease.
without ever throwing in the towel
the relationship was tightly compressed
be it on foot, be it sat down,
stuck in the window.
he always told her,
i love you well-loved.

with her nothing was the same
everything surprised him
all prose felt to him
lucky and special
like a toad in salt.
he arrived all inflated
to propose to her
in a pure and simple way
and again he said to her,
i love you well-loved.

under a cashew tree
their wedding happened
wasting a budget
without needing money.
he had a true love,
friends at every side,
he shouted yes and said to her,
i love you well-loved.

in a little rented house
they crowded in their thingies
and also their efforts
to follow their journey.
a hard hike
but with the universe on their side
their sweaty work
filled every pan
and he happily said to her,
i love you well-loved.

the days go expressing themselves
a few years already passed,
they dream, they make plans,
finally, they live.
time goes flowing
without being able to be controlled
but this fiery love
doesn’t break or crumble.
he is going to die saying to her,
i love you well-loved.

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“But over the last few decades, this occasional feeling [of loneliness] has become chronic for millions. In the UK, sixty percent of 18-34 year olds say they often feel lonely. In the US, forty-six percent of the entire population feel lonely regularly. We are living in the most connected time in human history; and, yet, an unprecedented number of us feel isolated.”

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My younger brother bought a book of old recipes from an estate sale.

He told me, “it’s kind of sad”. Sad that the woman had taken so much time to write down each one of her recipes and that her family decided not to keep them.

But there’s something beautiful in taking an unwanted thing and making it wanted. I told him he made her time valuable. That even though he was a stranger, he was keeping her work alive.

It wasn’t done in vain.

Maybe this is how all our positive actions should be seen. Even if they go unacknowledge or unappreciated by those closest to us, they can still be valuable to another. They can still connect with someone.

A story doesn’t end when the last word is said.

No, it continues. The last word is just the beginning of someone else’s. It is just a moment of pause.

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I want everything with you

I’ll pick up your clothes

I’ll bring you breakfast in bed 

I’ll do the chores you hate most

And try my best not to eat your snacks

I’ll care for you when you’re sick

I’ll help decorate our house

I’ll cheer you up when you’re sad

And try not to fall asleep when you go on your rants

I want all of it

But I dont want to force you

So tell me if you want me to pick up your clothes

Or bring you breakfast in bed

Do the chores you hate most

And not eat your snacks

Tell me if you want me to care for you when you’re sick

Or help you decorate our house

Cheer you up when you’re sad

And not fall asleep when you go on your rants

I promise I’ll do whatever you want

Just say the word

And I’ll bring you the world

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Dogs’ lives are short, too short, but you know that going in. You know the pain is coming, you’re going to lose a dog, and there’s going to be great anguish, so you live fully in the moment with her, never fail to share her joy or delight in her innocence, because you can’t support the illusion that a dog can be your lifelong companion. There’s such beauty in the hard honesty of that, in accepting and giving love while always aware that it comes with an unbearable price.

~Dean Koontz~

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last night I really dug into my feelings. as much as I’ve been telling myself that turning 30 at the end of this year isn’t a big deal, the thought of my 20’s ending and going into a whole new decade still alone does bother me.

maybe it’s because I had this idea that when I hit my 30’s, that aspect of my life would be already figured out. maybe my career wouldn’t be quite there yet. maybe I wouldn’t be the weight I wanted to be at. maybe I would go into the decade with a list of things that needed to change and I would do so willingly. but I also thought I’d maybe go through these things with someone by my side.

it’s hard seeing your friends have it all. by “all”, I mean the things YOU want. of course you’re happy for them, but it’s all the questions that store themselves into the back of your mind and like to pop out at 2am. when is it your turn? shit, will it ever be my turn? you go into this black hole and only get out of it by finally falling asleep or getting lost in youtube videos.

i’ve been actively seeking out a relationship. almost desperately. every dating app imaginable. any guy that messages me gives me a glimmer of hope. and then per usual, the conversation leads nowhere. they’re as bland a non salted saltine cracker. it was last night when I realized that I was doing too much. i was lowering my standards, my pride, the very wall that I have up when I’m trying to weed the bad guys out from the good ones. i have become someone who “takes what he can get”. and what I’ve been getting has been guys who don’t care. guys who say they want something authentic but turn out to be just like the other 90 percent of the gay population who are lost in hookups and being shallow.

for the first time in 8 years, i decided last night to delete all of those dating apps. not just off my phone- but i deleted all of my profiles. this way I won’t get triggered to go back onto one of them. I’ve made it complicated for myself and I know when I’m having a weak night, i still won’t go as far as to create a whole new profile.

i need a break. a real break. i can’t be over here willing to take on any john doe that has zero motivation and isn’t attractive in the slightest. that’s the direction I was heading.

i made a promise to myself last night that i really need to focus on myself. as cliche as that may be, I’ve lost sight on the shit I need to take care of to make “me” a better person. if I meet someone along the way, cool. but I can’t force a relationship. i can’t force someone to like me. all I can do is continue to hope that there’s someone out there for me. that they want the same things and one day we will stumble into each other’s lives. but until then, i will keep on keeping on. i’ll continue to support and be happy for my friends who’ve managed to have what I’m searching for. and hope it’ll happen for me soon. that’s all I really can do.

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Page 7: “Names and identifying details have been changed to protect the privacy of individuals and the very fragile male ego.” —> Haha.

Page 9: “Disney raised us to believe that if we’re patient and kind to animals, and fall asleep at just the right time, someday our prince will come. But when he finally does come, all you get from his magic carpet ride is a raging UTI.” —> Lol.

Page 16: “Call his mom! She liked you, right? Use something like Mother’s Day, Valentine’s Day, or any holiday, really, to give her a call to catch up. Casually mention the Guy Who Got Away, but don’t make him the main focus of the conversation.” —> Oh yikes, this is weird.

Page 20: So far I have no idea what the point of this book is.

Page 25: Why did she not design this page so each of the three perspectives is in three different columns? It looks weird like this.

Page 32: Guess I should look up all these songs.

Page 33: “I don’t want personal identifiable information about me out in the wild, but I am fine with you writing as you remember.” —> This is the most boring input from this dude she dated long-distance. Sounds like a real humorless guy based on this alone. But I suppose it would be awkward to reach back into your past and get in touch with former flames.

Page 36: “I was heartbroken. I started a Facebook group called ‘I Hate Liars’ and sang ‘I Will Survive’ at every karaoke chance I got.” —> Lol Jesus Christ.

Page 45: “Reading this has been a little tough. I don’t want to email or talk about this anymore. I hope your book is a success.” —> Lol yikes. This is from the guy Ryan she used to date. I get wanting to include different perspectives, even from former relationships, but this one isn’t even valuable and doesn’t add anything to it.

Page 47: “Then I started to realize the other things that didn’t match, like our friends, taste in music, or favorite foods. The only thing we seemed to have in common was that we both wanted a significant other.” —> Hmm. Although I don’t think those smaller things are hugely important to a relationship. Some commonalities are good, sure, but those aren’t the real dealbreakers.

Page 48: “You are inseparable. All of your other relationships are being sacrificed because you are spending all your time and energy with this person. Even when you’re not together, you’re not present. You’re glued to your phone talking to your new love.” —> Oh man, do I know someone like this.

Page 48: “After a short time, your lives are already intertwined. You’re always at each other’s places and have even considered moving in together. You’ve been dating for only a couple of months.” —> Hmmm yup, this sounds familiar.

Page 48: “Your friends and family are skeptical. They might see red flags and you don’t. Or they also notice this is happening too fast.” —> Oh wow.

Page 54: “And it was 5:30 p.m. when we chatted!” —> What does this have to do with anything.

Page 59: “His favorite movie was Lolita.” —> Oh girl. Yikes. His favorite movie, too, not even book. Big yikes.

Page 60: “Spoons you for an appropriate amount of time and then rolls over to his side of the queen bed.” — Lol.  This is about men in their 30s.

Page 63: “Our advice for a twenty-something girl dating an older man is to be sure he isn’t too set in his ways.” —> This is from two “experts” in matchmaking of some kind. Sure. But I feel like some better advice might be that he isn’t grooming you or exploiting you.

Page 65: I don’t really get the obsession with super tall men. What about height makes them so attractive to so many women?

Page 66: “But we had a lovely time celebrating with his friends and their pet pig, Frances Bacon” —> This doesn’t make any sense. Why would you name your pig this but spell it wrong. Frances is a girl, Francis is a boy. And his actual name was Francis Bacon. So…what?

Page 68: Lol these quizzes ask such leading questions.

Page 71: “I didn’t even look at my phone once for our entire four hour-long date.” —> Wow. So brave.

Page 77: “Little by little, he isolated me from my friends, telling me I was his best friend, and he was the only friend I ever needed.” —> Oh yikes.

Page 84: I don’t understand the dynamic of Gabi and Adam in this relationship. It sounded like they both wanted to be together, and they did call themselves a couple. So…how was Adam never her boyfriend? She says he strung her along, but she never clarifies what that means, and it’s confusing here.

Page 87: “Dating is essentially emotional gambling.” —> Seems true.

Page 95: “I found it even more fascinating that he was also a John Mayer fan, which was unusual since Mayer’s infamous 2010 Playboy interview.” —> Um?

Page 101: “Well. I majored in journalism, so this date was not going to end until I found out exactly what type of kinky stuff.” —> Haha. Relatable.

Page 101: “Sound: ‘Love Me Like You Do’ by Ellie Goulding” —> Hahaha, the classic “50 Shades of Grey” song. Yup, I have this association too.

Page 106: She says foot fetishes are the most common??? There’s no way that’s true.

Page 109: “I brought pickles from my pickle guy at my local farmers’ market, because when you live in LA for too long, you start acquiring connections like a ‘pickle guy.’” —> Hahah.

Page 113: “Expert: Andy Mizrahi, 31, most right-swiped guy on Tinder of 2018” —> Hahaha what.

Page 115: “‘Anyone who likes Sinatra only does because of their dad,’ he texted.” —> Honestly I don’t disagree. I don’t like Sinatra, though. But it’s totally a baby boomer dad type of situation.

Page 116: “How I would I even begin to explain to my dad that Brian thought the Chairman of the Board was ‘overrated.’ Also, the pie holders. Why did he have so many pie holders? That was insane. It didn’t matter if on paper we were the perfect match; in person, we were just not compatible.” —> These are all such superficial reasons. I get it, you don’t mesh well together, fine. But not for these reasons.

Page 121: “Still a bummer, though, as we were so excited about that particular match.” —> Lol don’t act like it wasn’t some faceless algorithm you guys used for your dumb matchmaking website.

Page 127: “with my first super-serious boyfriend, who was 20 when I was 25. He eventually turned 21, so we were only four years apart for a few months” —> Uh, yes. That’s how time and aging work.

Page 136: “‘I feel like you don’t support me,’ I cried to him one night. ‘I pay rent, don’t it?!’ he barked back.” —> Oh yikes. This is bad on both fronts. Not how you’re supposed to communicate with each other.

Page 146: “Thirty-nine years of marriage and you guys don’t have a song?! I have songs with guys I’ve dated for thirty-nine minutes.” —> Calm down, girl.

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I have already seen many poets
talking about longing,
about the pain that damn causes
and about its cruelty.
My summary is more pint-sized,
it’s the memory of everything
that really lacks.

Those who have a foot of longing
in the vase of their heart
composted with memory,
watered with solitude,
see the root scatter
without managing to breathe
then it will beat in the lung.

Longing is a tenant
that rents our mind
without a tenancy agreement,
without paying us monthly.
And light it becomes manifest
that we live in it
and it lives in us.

Longing scatters
in the soul like an allergy,
the more we scratch
it seems even that it gives birth.
A common illness
that reaches everyone
that was already happy one day.

There are those who live in this life
saving everything they have,
worrying about leaving
a car, a house or another belonging.
But I tell you a truth,
it’s even good to leave longing
in someone’s heart.

I have already seen a lot of evolution
for the good of humanity,
I have seen scientists curing
everything that is illness.
But even today I doubt
to invent a tablet
to relieve longing.

As much as it may be cruel,
don’t act with preconception,
for at least at this point
admire your conception
based in equality,
there is a type of longing
for every type of chest.

If you open a heart
and scavenge for the flip side,
it has the treasure map
that no one knows the price,
it has a road, a neighbourhood and a city,
after all every longing
has a name and an address.

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Make yourself whole and so full of self-love that any new person stepping into your sacred circle is not there to fill the emptiness of it, but to be an addition to its wholeness. It is the way to begin a relationship from a standpoint of independence and power, because you’ve already set a standard for yourself and make it all the easier for yourself to walk away from people who don’t meet that standard because you no longer need them to fill any void within.

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I really haaaaaate being sexually frustrated. Like, nothing satisfies me, but I also don’t want to resort to my old habit of hooking up with past relationships because that shit’s messy, even if we’re sexually compatible. I don’t know, I probably just need to invest in better toys…or find something casual, but I’m so socially awkward/anxious that I don’t know if I can really do something like that.   

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