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#relationships suck

This boy who has been obsessed with me for 8 years finally got the hint apparently. I loved being his friend don’t get me wrong but I straight up told him I did not like him in a romantic way more than 12 times in the past 8 years. Well he randomly once again hit me with that “I wish I was good enough for you” shit and I didn’t respond. I’m tired. I’m over responding to it. SO HE UNFRIENDS AND UNFOLLOWED ME ON ALL SOCIAL AND IM DYINGGGG. no warning lmao.

I don’t even care. Kind of a relief to be honest.

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Sooo thinking about the beautiful green eyed, brown skinned girl that turned me down with her squeaky annoying voice and her big butt and bubbly personality and feeling sad and depressed cuz, you know, I really liked her and wanted her and it’s one of those days where I get in my feels about it.

Worse part is, she’s also a sex worker/ IG model, so I can’t even escape her in my work. Cuz I see her beautiful face everywhere and life sucks. And this sucks. And it’s horrible.

Thank you for listening and I’m going to go listen to sad love songs and do my singing lessons.

Bye💖

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Two.

Back on track towards disappointment. I had my hopes set high, and it’s starting to crumble again. Slowly, right before my eyes. Maybe it’s a bad week for you. But you haven’t slept next to me more than once in the last eight days. You haven’t cooked dinner like you promised, and you forgot about the movie we were supposed to watch. You didn’t kiss me the same tonight, hug me the same. I haven’t seen you for more than five or six hours in the last two days, and I won’t for another twelve.

It’s probably nothing. Right?

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He was fucking manipulative in those small yet three separate moments. It was THIS CLOSE to being constituted as assault if he actually went further when I spoke more firm saying no. He took advantage of what he thought was me being naive in those moments. Only after was I naive about it. Brushing it off. Thinking my head was playing tricks on me and my gut can shut up about the red flag feeling bc of my trauma. I knew he was not the doctor. So why the fuck did it get so close to the point that I was reliving a nightmare and could actually speak out my feelings about it?

I blocked him from all social media. Blocked his number and deleted it. I should’ve done that to his number weeks ago but I didn’t on the thoughts of how he never responded to those or actually texted me because he’d respond more to a Snapchat.

He was fucking using me. For whatever game he was trying to play he thought he was getting away with. I pray the next girl he swoons will know what’s up if he hasn’t changed that about himself by then bc I ain’t ever getting in contact with him again. If his mom ever asks me why I will tell her straight up and that I do not feel comfortable or safe to be alone with him ever again and that she should bring this up to him bc I can’t face him about that out of fear he’ll turn the tables on me and say I’m lying. Victim shame me. Say this is why the doctor did it. Or anything else he can use bc it’s something I know he could do potentially.

Also. Might I add that when I explained my personal past trauma to him he was 100% in the moment and respectful and kind and careful to not talk about it much unless I brought it up bc I was still dealing with some of it and didn’t want to have it on my mind. THEN it just somehow slips his fucking mind once in a while like what the fuck. HOW THE FUCK DOES TELLING SOMEONE ABOUT YOUR TRAUMA FUCKING SLIP THEIR MIND AND THEY NEED TO BE REMINDED WHY.

Why I said no. I shouldn’t have had to explain myself. He should have known. He should’ve. I did not have to explain myself whatsoever if he really cared that much for me and held me in his heart and meant all he said about me like I did to him.

Why is it that I’ve had so much fucking bad luck with guys. I know from a Christian stand point like god had my fucking back in this one and made it so we would go on break. I can’t explain why for any other reason besides him getting bored with me or unsatisfied that I didn’t want to do some things in bed he wanted to do and was starting to lose his patience with me.

What the fuck man. Just. What. The. Fuck.

This isn’t how being with a partner is supposed to go, right? Right?

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It feels like I’m having a bad dream right now. I’m in a daze constantly. Nearly dissociated yesterday. Was so completely zoned out at times I may have and just don’t remember or it was a split second then back again to myself.

I want to wake up.

Why can’t I fucking wake up.

This cannot be real. It can’t.

My symptoms are trying to spiral out on me again with full force and I’m having trouble finding a therapist near me that is taking new clients. I have to do so much for this fall semester of college. Teaching myself precalc again bc of fucking covid and online classes having to be a thing bc I don’t wanna get the virus nor give it to my parents or friends by accident if I carry it to them.

I hate this.

I want it to stop.

I’m teetering literally in and out of a fucking crisis and panic attack.

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Is that the lesson then? To never fall in love with anyone again? Twice in my life I have fully fallen for people. One cheated and left, one didn’t want me anymore..I wasnt enough of anything they wanted..I guess..I made mistakes I’m not perfect…but jesus christ I loved each of them differently and so much. Especially this last one….I cant see anyone but her.. it doesnt matter in the end I am the one left aching and longing..feeling like I’m never gonna be good enough for anyone to just….fucking fight for me…chase me…. fucking stay.


I never want to hear another person tell me they “love me” in a romantic-feely type way. Love doesnt exist. Its bullshit.

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I think it’s normal, you know? You shared something with someone and even if it was bad in the end and he mistreated you, you still miss that sense of having something together.

My ex wasn’t affectionate. He wouldn’t touch me except so sex, he claimed he is just like that and yeah he was, a sociopath. But I do find myself thinking about the fun times too, you know ? Going on vacations was always great, we were both nerds and loved to buy shit together and he would watch horror movies with me because he knew I’d love them. So yeah I miss having that with someone. But I don’t miss him. Most of the time I just think about the wrong he did to me

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I had a conversation with myself this morning and I came to one of the best and worst realizations I’ve ever had. I realized that I’ve never really known what real love is. I’ve been in love before but it has never lasted more than a year or two before I fall out of love with that person. I always seem to grow bored and annoyed by everything about the other person but I stay with them out of feeling obligated and not wanting to hurt them. The sad part of all of this is that I’m currently engaged and my fiance thinks that I have hung the stars in the sky. I don’t know if I have the strength to leave him and break his heart but I don’t know if I can live out my life unhappy and settling. I spend my days imagining that I am anywhere else with anyone else and that is not how I want to live my life.

Ugh what am I supposed to do?

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Listen Here Idiot

02.04.2020: I. Hereby. Swear. To. Not. Be. Heartbroken. For. The. Next. Two. Years.

1. Because. I. Won’t. Enter. Any. Relationships. That. Feel. Wrong. From. The. Start. For. Whatever. Reasons.

2. Because. I. Won’t. Enter. Any. Relationships. At. All. Unless. I’m. Completely. Sure. That. I. Am. Ready. And. Want. To. Be. With. That. Person.

3. Because. I. Won’t. Fall. In. Love. With. The. Idea. Of. A. Person. Anymore.

4. Because. I. Am. Happy. Being. In. A. Relationship. With. Myself. And. I. Need. No. Other. Person. That. Makes. Me. Feel. Unhappy.

image
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