#relatives fame supporting me and quietly hope i will miraculously change my mind and run back to university to feel inadequate and miserable

[ouchhq]

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#sorry im just venting once again ignore me pls i just need to scream into the void because if i dont i think im going to completely lose it #its 9 am i already had a huge fight with my mom #she said she was gonna go out and i asked her to be back in time to make lunch because i have too much work to do and she kept avoiding #answering and it exasperated me because she always always does it on purpose to get back when its too late for her to cook and i started #yelling that im stressed and exasperated and ive been working on assignments that i dont like and im still not done #and she was like ‘so this school was a mistake u dont like it’ and i lost it. i lost it. she is so stupid i hate her #i yelled at her ‘its a THREE year course of course theres gonna be assignments that i dont like’ and she replied ‘u said u were gonna do #one year for now. so u definitively decided u arent going to get ur masters degree in biotech’ and i swear she wakes up a rage in me that #i cant control i fucking hate her she is always either one extreme or the other like she takes three words from ur sentence and uses those #to get to an extreme conclusion l #like i already feel lost enough #im so scared of everything and i feel like a failure but i tried this course because i felt just as lost and out of place while i was #studying biotech #and i tried to give myself another chance and i feel insecure about it but i felt i needed to give it a try #and she always ALWAYS says the wrong thing like i just need some support and people not questioning my life choices #i was depressed and suicidal all three years of university i thought this could be a change that would help make me feel better about being #alive and im so stressed and of course im depressed still but im trying to give myself a chance and its so fucking hard and i know my #relatives fame supporting me and quietly hope i will miraculously change my mind and run back to university to feel inadequate and miserable #again..... #(*fake) #i just thought my mom didnt really but she just proved she does and besides that the way its IMPOSSIBLE to have a logical discussion with #her makes me lose my goddamn mind #this conversation alone triggered so much #im tired of feeling like this. im tired of existing #god i cant stop crying #i feel so suicidal its overwhelming #i cant deal with all of this anymore. im so so tired