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lordofdestructionm · 3 months

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Reading Mordecai Heller as a repressed gay man

The tragic attraction

This is a full post based on my response to a great analysis by @sedgewick-gayble

Let me start by saying that if you read Mordecai as being totally asexual/aromantic and any affection he has for other characters to be entirely platonic that is entirely valid and I respect that

However as this response by Tracy makes clear on the topic of fans reading Mordecai as gay there is an intentional ambiguity about it. Being 28 at the time of the main story his "lifestyle is certainly asexual" up to this point, yet "being ace and being gay are not mutually exclusive things" and people sometimes "don't know themselves or understand their own motivations all that well"

This leaves the possibility open that Mordecai is actively repressing his natural desires and feelings

Mordecai's early life didn't exactly provide much time or opportunity for "self discovery", even by the usual standards of the less than tolerant and understanding world of the early 20th century

Being born into an impoverished family and having his father die very early in his life leaving him and his Mother and two younger sisters in dire straits, Mordecai had to get to work and assume adult responsibilities pretty damn early.

As Tracy says "selling newspapers wasn't going to cut it" and so using his natural talent with numbers Mordecai starts bookkeeping for the mob. Is it any wonder someone with that background would develop such a serious and rigidly buttoned up demeanour?

Since being forced to abandon his mother and two sisters at the start of the 1920s and flee New York, being picked up by Atlas's due to his habit of collecting useful strays, Mordecai had very few people he was close to in St Louis. With his generally anti-social personality and not only lack of interest but discomfort with any sort of flirting or romantic entanglements, that would be unlikely to change

Side note: Probaby coincidence but

There are only two people who seem to make it onto that exclusive list of people that "count" for Mordecai, who he cares about and are able to bring things to the surface he would normally keep hidden

Atlas to Mordecai is not just an employer, he is the man who saved his life, the man who moulded a desperate fearful shabby young stray into the sharp professional he is today, who took him under his wing and made him his protege. Filling the empty space his father left in his life. His grief and desperate hunt for those responsible for his death are his big motivation (the strain of which is slowly tearing him apart)

That connection is undertsandable

Much more surprising on the surface is the bond with the partner Atlas teamed him up with soon after his arrival, Viktor Vasko.

The assumption at the start would have been that while their skill sets might compliment each other in the field there would have been no warmth in their dynamic.

Certainly not on Mordecai's part as Viktor appears to be a sum total of many things Mordecai hates. Viktor is unshaven, relatively casual in his attire, speaks a broken English, and hates people chattering or “noise, noise, noise” as he calls it. Clashing hard with his obsession with good grooming, high quality tailoring, correct grammar etc. Indeed Mordecai doesn't hesitate to nag/criticize Viktor for these things

Yet at the same time Mordecai has far better chemistry with Viktor than with anyone else, able to banter and bicker with him in a way you rarely if ever see with others

Its why when he gets tailored clothes for the first time Viktor is the first person he wants to show off too. Its why the one time he is intoxicated Viktor (and his large physique) are his chosen topic of converation. Its why at Christmas/Hanuhhah he gives him the gift of a tie while claiming its just because of the big guys poor fashion sense and that its "embarassing to be seen with him" (even that justification makes him sound like a nagging girlfriend)

A smaller detail is that during their iconic chess playing in the side content, set during their days staking out the remote town of Defiance, Viktor is shown very casually winning the game much to Mordecai's visible distress

This is hilarious but could also be taken as a metaphor for Viktor (possibly without even realizing it) breaking through his defensive emotional barriers

Something Mordecai doesn't know how to handle or respond to

The animated short only adds fuel to the fire

During their dispute over strategy Mordecai moves his face so close to Viktors that he almost knocks his cap off his head. His eyes at one point even dart down towards his mouth

Sharp eyed Vikdecai fans have also noted that Mordecai seems on some level to want the two of them to match

The tie being the same colour could simpy be Mordecai giving Viktor one of his own ties because its a joke gift and he just grabbed it on a whim to tease Viktor about his poor fashion choices

But think about the matching suits at the New Years party for 1926

I mean, seriously, not only is it the exact same style of suit in the same blue-grey colour distinct from everyone else, but they are standing in the perfect spots to be symmetrical to each other. Something that we all know means a lot to this compulsive man

Mordecai must have known there was going to be a big group photo ahead of time and then carefully planned this

Got matching suits made to his and Viktors measurements

Then most impressively convinced/nagged Viktor into cooperating (he may have taken off the tie and rolled up the sleeves but hey him playing along at all is quite a compromise from Viktor "I hate dressing up" Vasko)

Mordecai is intent on making Viktor retire and get out of danger, and avoid a situation where he gets sent to kill him by Marigold because he knows he could NOT do it, and his cover and investigation into Atlas's death would be over

He is horrified that Viktor is still working at Lackadaisy (though he again has to hide how much he cares) and that he has gotten not only hurt again but hurt by Mordecai again (albeit this time indirectly by stealing the guns)

Can this be read as simply platonic comradere? Absolutely

But there is something so *intense* in the fact he was willing to resort to kneecapping him. Its an extreme and desperate act that could only result from intense emotions, seemingly out of character for someone who tries very hard to appear logical and controlled.

While Vikdecai is a very fun ship when imagining them as an actual bickering married couple, I have often said that a tragic one-sided on Mordecai's part version of Vikdecai is the one that fits closest and surprisingly well into the canon.

His nagging and complaining about Viktor in that context take on a Tsundere aspect, both to protect himself from being found out and maybe even try and convince himself the uncomfortable alien feelings aren't there. He not only doesn't want others looking too hard at his feeling he doesn't want to examine them himself all that much

There is a heartbreaking but appealing angst to the idea of this extremely repressed man having such feelings for the first time in his life for his straight best friend and NOT knowing how to handle that. Having to perform the balancing act of being around him so much as his partner but being painfully aware that he can't let anyone catch on, especially not Viktor himself, as it would likely destroy his bond with the only person in town other than Atlas he is close to.

Though tragically he did that anyway later via the kneecapping, which while about trying to keep Viktor safe, he may now looking back try and tell himself its actually somehow "better" for Viktor to hate him for that

Because the big guy now wrongly thinks the feeling is mutual and that Mordecai never really cared about him, which may be better than (what Mordecai assumes would be) disgust at his partners doomed more than platonic feelings

Because he sees those feelings and his situation as a sad perfectly structured joke life has played on him

#lackadaisy #tracy j butler #lackadaisycats #mordecai heller #viktor vasko #vikdecai #repressed #gay #asexual #ace #comic #pilot #cats #gangsters #one sided love #one sided crush #one sided attraction #internalized homophobia

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spicyzackhour · 1 year

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Repressed - A series of events

this is the first fic on a series, hope you enjoy!

Chapter One: Soaked

Noah doesn't know how long has it been since he met the blue haired bastard that had bewitched his body and soul

He remembered him popping in the town one day, he also remembers he started to tag along him and his friends at one point, he can't quite remember how this started tho, a side effect of his alcohol based escapades

He remembers however that he offered him a place to crash, seeing as the blue haired twink didn't had an apartment at the time, and Noah just so happened to have an extra room in his house

He remembers all the times Sky has teased him, those are very frequent, almost daily in a way

The two of them come from completely different backgrounds after all, Noah is catholic and an alcoholic mercenary, Sky doesn't drink, nor does he work as a mercenary, he is a painter, but the digital kind, and he is pretty much a non believer

Noah had never judged him on that front, however their different upbringings did made them clash a couple times, specially because Noah haves a complicated relationship with sex, while Sky seems to have a pretty clear idea of what he likes and how he likes it

Sky often teases him, specially around how repressed Noah is and how bothered and flustered he gets at any topic that is sexual in nature

Even normal bodily functions seem taboo to the blonde, his upbringing making him believe that even staring too long at his own body is sinful, and shameful

However that same repression has been a curse for Noah, as he tents to get turned on by the most innocuous of things, and he doesn't seem to have any control on how and when he gets turned on

Before Sky, his approach was simple, denial denial denial

He doesn't have to admit to his desires if he pretends desires aren't real and sex isn't real at all, if he becomes delusional enough he can pull this stunt off and live a very unsinful life!

It has not worked

It has not worked specially because his roommate seems to be a sex addict who brings people in often, and he is so loud with them

How can Noah delusion himself about sex not being real when Sky is having very loud and depraved sex on the room next to his, when the sounds of the intimacy happening next door had given Noah some unexpected reactions on his own body

He has had to do laundry so often, he didn't knew why his boxer briefs would get so humid lately, he just knew that the humidity bothered him too much, so he had to change them over and over, for some reason they tent to get wet when he hears Sky going on his usual escapades on his room

‘’Doing laundry again sparks?’’ Sky asks him ‘’damn, it's the third time this week, what are you doing to your clothes???’’

‘’Fuck off Sky, i just had a huge stash of them piled up in my room’’ the blonde says ‘’i usually forget to wash them, so once i remember i do a lot of laundry’’

a lie, Noah does have a big pile on his room but he keeps just washing underwear cause he keeps running out of those

‘’Alright alright buddy, next time you do a load can you tell me so i can put some of mine in there?’’ Sky asks him ‘’if you are going to go sicko mode on your clothes i at least could take some advantage out of that”

“I guess…” Noah says, an innocent enough request “fine, you should bring some of your clothes then, i havent started this load yet, so you can stick a couple inside”

“Nah, it's ok!” Sky says, a particularly sugary tone on his voice “i still have clean underwear, you know”

It only took that to make Noah’s face turn red, as if he had been caught doing something he shouldn't had done, his heart racing on his chest as he didnt knew how to play this off

Was it too obvious?? Did he knew about his predicament??, maybe Noah was over thinking the whole thing, the problem with Sky is always that, there is too much plausible deniability on everything he says

“You ok sparks?” Sky says, the nickname a mocking one “you seem to have blown a fuse there?”

Again with the sweet tone, Noah never knows how to respond to that, usually he would get aggressive with anyone using such a patronizing tone with him, but for some reason when Sky does it, it feels playful and inviting, the problem is that Noah doesn't know how to be playful in return

“I… uh… i'm sure you might have dirty underwear in your room” He says as he turns around and focuses on putting detergent on his clothes

His plan is simple, pretend Sky didn't say anything that bothered him, denial denial denial!

Sky has known Noah for a couple months now, the blond man is an interesting fella to say the least

Noah manages himself in life with a very strong bravado, he always presents himself as someone that must not be fucked around with, a manly man if you will

However the day they met he was really drunk, and while Sky has a personal trauma around drunk people, to his surprise the guy was particularly fun to be around

He also was extremely touchy with Sky, nothing that crossed boundaries, but it seems like Noah likes to hold people and be held when he is drunk

Their conversation that day was about something mundane, both of them have an affinity to music, Sky like playing the piano, Noah knows how to play the drums, they were talking about Twenty One Pilots, not precisely the type of music Sky would had assumed Noah would be into

One thing led to another and Noah offered him a spare room on his house, something that Sky was very grateful for as he is not used to living alone

Their living arrangements had been amicable, except on the front of dating

Sky is not really up for a committed relationship at the moment, but he likes hooking up every so often, he also loves having sex, the endorphin rush of an orgasm has become addictive to him

Its because the closeness of sex can be easily interpreted as intimacy, he doesn't need to know more about the person he is having sex with as long as he cums and feels those endorphins hit his brain, and the caresses and touches can replace his need to be emotionally close to others

He is really weary of getting attached to anyone, after all, he always finds a way to ruin his relationships sooner or later, so this hookups are perfect for him

The problem is that Noah seems to be his exact opposite, he is a loner, he is reclusive, and he seems really judgmental of Sky bringing in so many people to have sex with

It could also be that Sky has had sex with his two best friends before, just one night stands tho, none of those turned to a relationship really

However he did noticed that after those, Noah was particularly grumpy and bitter towards him, he doesn't know if its because he had a latent crush on his friends or if its cause he has a latent crush on him

The idea amuses him

He started teasing Noah about his hang ups with sex, it all started as just jokes and attempts on Sky to be funny, but after a while he noticed a very interesting reaction to his teasing

Noah would get flustered and red, Noah’s tanned skinned should had made it more difficult for Sky to notice the blushing on his face, but the reaction was so strong and visceral he was bright like a tomato sometimes

He also noticed that Noah never puts a stop to his teasing, Noah is really strong and direct when he needs to be, if he is not comfortable with a situation he will let everyone know, but everytime Sky had teased him or prove his hang ups, he has just changed the topic or felt awkward, but he has never asked him to stop

Sky is no stranger to repressed guys, he has dealt many times with those, Noah however is peculiar in the way that he seems to be enjoying the teasing in a way, but Sky also notices that Noah is probably not conscious about why that is

It's fun in a way, Sky feels almost like a cat playing around with a toy, a particularly flustered toy at that

His teasing has landed him here, on the laundry room, with a very flustered blonde struggling to add detergent to his clothes

Noah’s hands are shaking, his ears are so red, it feels almost as if he was emanating heat, there is a good foot or so between him and Sky and yet Sky can feel that overwhelming warmth coming from him

This is to fun to ignore, Sky has decided, he will kick things up a notch and see where that takes him

“Let me help you sparks” he says as he grabs Noah’s hands and guides them through the painstakingly boring motion of adding detergent to his laundry “you seem very nervous here”

Sky’s tone is more sultry than sweet, if Noah didn't knew better he would think he was flirting with him, but that’s not possible as people don't usually flirt with him, this is just him overthinking, it's just two roomates washing clothes

Denial, denial, denial

Sky is actually surprised at Noah’s reaction, he didn’t fought him here, he didn't threw a punch his direction, something Noah usually does as he likes to play rough with his friends

He didn't even threw any snarky remarks or even an angry look his way, he went quiet, he is letting Sky guide him through the motion

Noah is tense however, with the closeness Sky can notice that he is breathing quite heavily, and he feels like a goddamn radiator with the amount of heat he is producing, it's incredibly overwhelming

“There! You can do your laundry now!” Sky says as he lets go of Noah’s hands, his tone back to a sugary one as he plays it off as if nothing had happened here “i'm going to sweep my room now, i have a date in a couple hours so i need to tidy up!”

Sky walks away from the laundry room, leaving Noah still shock to his core as he stares at the washing machine too intensely

“If you order any food, let me know buddy! So I can order some too!!” Sky says as he walks away, almost skipping in his walk

He is getting further away from the scene, not even looking at the mess he had created

Noah on the other hand, starts shaking in his spot, as he squats down next to the laundry machine, his underwear is soaked, and he haves no idea why this just happened

#oc #writing #noah #sky #repressed

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