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stolenbythegods · 7 years

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Why do you feel like nobody likes you? You seem really nice.

Thanks nonnie, that means a lot.

This is probably going to get very long, and I know nobody asked for it, but I feel like maybe having an explanation as to why I’m insecure might help? Or not, there’s the possibility that nobody will care, but just in case, I’ll explain.

I’ve been RPing on this site since 2013, and in that time I’ve had a lot of experiences. Most good, but there are a few bad experiences (3 major ones specifically which i will be talking about) that have ultimately contributed to the anxious mess I am today, and why I don’t approach people even though there are a fair few people I really would like to interact with.

The short version, for those that don’t wanna read through heaps of text, is this:

-I was strung along and eventually ignored by somebody I looked up to who couldn’t just tell me they didn’t want to interact.

-I was blocked by somebody I considered a friend for reasons I still do not know.

-I was accused of copying somebody else’s OC which resulted in me losing a ‘friend’ and ultimately made me quit writing for almost a year.

If you want more detailed explanations of what happened in each experience, you can find them under the cut. Warning: It’s very long. Feel free to ask for clarification if things seem unclear. There’s also a bolded part at the end which you can read that kind of… ties things together, I guess?

The first experience is the reason for my ‘Don’t ignore me’ rule. Back when i was still fresh to this site and didn’t know how things worked, I came across this amazing marvel OC, and I fell in love with the writing. They were my first ‘tumblr senpai’, as the term used to be. My mind was blown when they actually followed me back, and I was very excited to write with them. So I did the logical thing and sent a message. They responded positively; I was over the moon. We had one or two very brief interactions, and I guess those were enough for that person to decide they didn’t want to interact with me. Now, if they had just come out and said that, things would’ve been fine. Yes, it would have hurt, but I would ultimately have understood and moved on. Instead, they strung me along.

Any direct requests to interact were responded to with excuses about them not having the time for new threads, which does happen, so I understood, but they ultimately promised me that we would interact when they had the time. But after a while, I noticed the memes I sent in would go ignored, unless they were just headcanon stuff, and despite saying they were busy, they still had time to interact with new people. I still gave them the benefit of the doubt and guessed maybe tumblr was eating asks, or they just didn’t know how to respond or initiate a thread with me. It only clocked with me that they were avoiding attempts at interaction and ignoring me when I responded to a short open starter they posted, and everyone who replied to it got an answer except for me. This was the point I realised they didn’t want to interact with me but just didn’t want to say anything, possibly as some odd way to avoid hurting my feelings. Now you might be wondering if this was me pestering somebody I followed, but I just want to say that me and this person were mutuals right up until I realised what they were doing and made a PSA saying if you didn’t want to interact with me, then you should just tell me instead of being rude and ignoring me. After that, we stopped being followers and I pretty much did everything in my power to make sure I didn’t have to see them on my dash ever again because I was hurt.

Their intentions may have been somewhat innocent in that they didn’t want to hurt my feelings by rejecting me, but ultimately they hurt me far worse than a simple ‘I’m sorry but I don’t feel like interaction is going to work between us’ ever would’ve. In fact I recently discovered this experience still has an effect on me, because that same person crossed my dash just a couple of months ago and It felt like I had been punched in the gut and I had to take a moment to just breathe. So yeah. This experience enforced the part of my anxiety that now tells me that just because we are mutuals does not mean they want to interact (even though selective following is now a thing).

The second experience happened not long after the first. I had followed this blog, and we had a bunch of threads going together. 4, maybe 5, and we were in each other’s inboxes a lot with memes or just general shenanigans. One day we were talking, can’t remember what about (followers? I think? something to do with followers idk) and they suddenly disappeared off my dash. I though tumblr had just freaked out, but after realising they were no longer following me, it dawned that I was blocked. Now, I was still very much an ‘assume the best in people’ kind of person, so I messaged them on a different blog like ‘Hey, i think you may have accidentally blocked me?’. No response. I tried again, and nothing. I was… very confused, and was starting to feel a sense of dread. So i messaged a mutual friend/follower and asked them if they could find out what was going on. She also got nothing out of them, this person was essentially ignoring all mentions of me. Now what I did next might not have been smart, but I was very upset. I messaged them once more on another blog, asking them to please just tell me what I had done wrong. Maybe I should have just moved on and gotten on with shit, but I had thought we were friends and I wanted answers. I never got them. This experience is the reason why I constantly fret over whether or not people actually like me, and why I’m always afraid that one day everyone is just going to turn around and start hating me.

The third experience was the most recent, and by far the worst. So In 2015 I got a message from a ‘friend’ of mine. I had been on hiatus for a while because I had been feeling insecure and had decided to fall back on some older methods of RP and take a break from the tumblr RP community. I had just gotten back, when they messaged me stating that a person they had started roleplaying with while I was away with had noticed some similarities between her OC and mine. Now, I had no idea who this person was prior to this. So I was very confused, and I said as much. My ‘friend’ went on to say that this person thought I had stolen her OC and that they also agreed, and also that the time I made my blog had been about the same time this person had decided to go on a long hiatus. Now the similarities were this; We both had the same FC, both our characters had abuse in their background, they were both UK born, and they both had interests in cooking careers. I thought this was fairly weak evidence, and said as much. They then countered that there was one more thing I had ‘stolen’ from this person and they sent me an image. And I was shocked.

You see, when I had still been in college, one of my assignments had been to make a floorplan of a vet surgery. Now because I suck at drawing, I found a pretty nifty site called floorplanner.com. And while working on my assignment, my brain piped up and said ‘hey, we could use this site to make a floorplan of our OC’s apartment!’. And I thought that was a great idea, so I did it. Now, the image my ‘friend’ sent to me was none other than that very floorplan I had made. The person accusing me of plagiarism was claiming it was theirs. I said no, I definitely made the floorplan, and I was responded to with information about the exact date the person had saved the image to their computer. Not only did I send a screenshot of my account on the site and the floorplan itself open in the floorplan creator, I also countered with an image showing that the date I posted the floorplan to my blog preceded the date the person saved the image to their computer, but I was brushed off by being told ‘dates can be edited’ (yeah, cuz I’m totally smart and skilled enough to do that??).

Anyways, by this point, I was extremely upset. I talked about it on my blog, but I did not mention names or URLs. I was then told my accuser was apparently getting anon hate (though they never posted any) and their friends kept coming into my inbox to tell me to ‘call off my followers’. One even made a public post and tagged me in it. I was beginning to get really stressed out, so I messaged my accuser and asked if we could just talk about this privately. I got no response, but they did make a lovely public post about how I was being emotionally manipulative and that they had 0 doubt I had copied them and about how they were so hurt by this whole thing.

I asked my ‘friend’ why they didn’t believe me even though i had at the very least proven the floorplan was mine, and their response was that ‘of course they were going to believe the person who talked to them every day over me, who didn’t talk to them very much’. Looking back, I realise this ‘friend’ was not good for me at all. My reasons for not talking to them came down to a few things. First, I did not feel safe talking to them about my depression. The one time i did, i got some rather intensive comments. And you remember the break from tumblr I mentioned earlier in this story? I had spoken to them privately about it and explained my reasons had been I wasn’t feeling the most welcome, and that I needed some time away. They decided to take this as a personal attack, and when I had updated them about what was happening with me on the other site, they kind of flipped out and accused me of shitting on something they loved (tumblr) because I was criticising some of the uglier parts of the RP community (cliques, elitism, anon hate, the stigma towards OC’s over canon characters etc.). After that, I didn’t feel like I could talk to them, so I kind of stopped.

After all this had happened, I tried to move on with things. But the fact is, it really affected me. My ‘friend’ was, and still is I believe, a very popular RP blog with a lot of weight. My accuser had a fair few friends too, and my name had been slandered about. I removed all links to the blog this happened on from my other blogs out of fear, but even then I felt scared. Every blog I wanted to follow would be checked first to see if they had any obvious connections to my ‘friend’ or my accuser. If they did, I would make note of them, their other blogs, and the main people they interacted with all to avoid the chance of somebody knowing me and deciding to bring the shitstorm back up again. Eventually, i was so scared that I just… couldn’t find my love of writing anymore. It was tainted by anxiety, and I finally made an announcement on all my blogs; I was quitting. I didn’t delete my blogs, but I made the message clear that it was no guarantee that I would ever come back.

I made that post in September 2015. It was only after reconnecting with a very old RP partner back when I was still new, that I finally was convinced to come back to tumblr in May 2016. My writing quality had fallen during my hiatus, because I barely wrote at all for the majority of those months. It still isn’t what it used to be, and the style varies wildly from day to day.

These experiences, along with some milder ones, have ultimately shaped me into the anxious mess that I am now. My anxiety constantly reminds me that friends can turn on you, and that sometimes people might just be being polite when they compliment me or seem willing to interact. I do try my best to ignore it, but there are times it overwhelms me. It’s nothing personal to the wonderful people who follow me, it’s just my own inner demons that like to torment me. I found my love of writing again, and I would like to be the confident person i once was. I just need.. patience, honesty and some people willing to put up with my awkwardness.

This is horribly long and I’m very sorry, but I hope maybe it cleared some stuff up about why I am how I am. I’m open to more questions, if anybody cares enough to ask lmao.

#Anonymous #ask #psa #I might reblog this later on too #just so.. idk people can see it if they wanna #long post

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