how do you let go of pain and anger and resentment?
I am angry because I am sad because I was alone
Mon, Nov 30 @ 12:06am
the anger isn’t hot, not at all. it’s cold, sending shivers down her spine with icicles pricking her toes, her hands, her fingers. resentment, fury, animosity, sit under the surface of her skin, silently waiting to be freed.
Joy to forgive and joy to be forgiven hang level in the balances of love.
If we are unable or unwilling to forgive others for whatever they do, we won’t be able to forgive ourselves for our actions. The agony of resentment, guilt, remorse, and shame will overpower us. These emotions will halt our progress toward the comfortable and rewarding living we are promised in recovery.
Early in recovery, we often were told to pray for those whom we thought had wronged us. This philosophy is as old as civilization. Forgiveness will always triumph over guilt and shame. Recovery is one-third love and two-thirds forgiveness.
We’ve been our own worst enemies during most of our lives. We’ve often hurt ourselves over what we thought was justifiable anger and resentment.
Self-forgiveness is strength not weakness. Gaining the strength is simple. I need only remind myself that “God has forgiven me.Why not forgive myself?
Based on the four songs ADTR have released so far, this record is gonna be… interesting, to say the least?
I really like Resentment and Mindreader Degenerates and Brick Wall on the other hand… nah. And all four songs sound completely different.
The album art looks fucking great. Not sure about the album name logo though… the font looks like it was ripped from a cheap christmas greetings card.
I’ll wait til the album’s out to pass full judgement on it, but a mixed bag based on what’s been released so far.
For the firs time in my life, I decided to try and get back with an ex. I moved back in. Soon after we had a get-together with his friends. He seemed to have really good chemistry with this one lady. I suspected maybe he had a crush on her. A few weeks later, it’s her birthday. We rented an ocean side AirBnb. She joked about wanting to have a cake to be tossed onto her while swimming. He actually did that. He bought a cake and threw it at her in the water. they frolicked for a good while, and I just felt like the third wheel. He’s clearly very into her. Why am I even here? With these thoughts and the sound of them having a good time, I left to go pack my bags to drive back to the apartment and pack some more. Eventually she left and he half heartedly attempted to ask me to stop leaving. I didn’t even have the energy to explain myself to him. I felt like I did not need to. On the dark high way with hardly any other vehicles. He actually drove up and caught up to me. He asked to get in my car. I kept driving away. He begged, then insulted me. At first I was quiet, then eventually I blew up. I said things I never wanted to hear, words I couldn’t believe I would ever say. After I got all those horrible things off of my chest, he told me he had recorded me. I was angry. He told me he wants to ruin me and my future. The world felt so heavy like it will shatter me. I was quiet again, then decided to kill both of us. I filliped the car. I was out on the passenger side and watched him took his last breath.
Where there is hatred and resentment, there will always be pain, disagreement, and strife. That is not how we are to live as Christians. We can never afford to accommodate hatred in our hearts. We are to be loving because that is what helps us forgive. Love corrects but it also gives understanding when people wrong us.
Hatred. I do not know where I should start. Everything about it is horrible. But horrible does not mean useless. It exists for a reason. At least, it enables us to distinguish the good people from the ignorant. However, more often than not, it can pose a serious threat on our well-being. A person hating on you for no apparent reason can hurt you if they were evil enough to act on it. And most of the times you would notice those who hate you because it is such a toxic emotion that needs real strength to carry it and, at the same time, hide it from the eyes of those who are honest and loving. When you act out of genuine respect to everyone, you would notice when someone is being hateful, because it is a violation of your world. Your mind sees it as an obstacle; we do notice obstacles easily.
I will share an exceptionally deep personal experience here. It is important to note that I rarely do that. Especially not publicly as I am doing now. It also important to know that I am not complaining about anything. I cannot be more grateful for that experience; it taught me more than I would have otherwise wished to learn. It made me a better person.
Nevertheless, there is a question nagging me. I have been in a place where someone hated me so much and it hurts like hell. I asked myself over and over again; why?! What have I done? If only I could put my hand on it. If it was my fault, I would not hesitate to fix it immediately. But I could not. So I assumed that it was something wrong with me. Of course. What else could it be? So I started to hate myself gradually. It became harder and harder to see the good in myself because every time I decide to respect myself more, I remembered that person. Something in me kept on reminding me that there is a reason for why I have been hated. That person said I am arrogant. But I, literally, ask everyone I know if that was true (I asked my teacher and most of my classmates as well). Almost everyone was shocked by my question, and told me that I am anything but arrogant. But I kept on hating myself just in case it was a flaw in me. I would never give myself the chance to do something wrong and get away with it without punishing myself. So I kept on assuming it was something in me.
Until this day. Today. I learned that the one and only reason behind hatred, is a shaky, insecure and envious mentality. I learned from a trusted source that those who are good (I am not saying I am good. I am saying those who are good cannot hate), can never hate. They simply cannot, nor can they understand how and why it came to exist, or how it feels. Only those who are mentally unstable, are capable of hatred. And no wonder it is. I learned that only those who genuinely hate themselves, are capable of inflicting this hate upon others. They take out this negativity on anyone who reminds them with the things they hate about themselves. And what is more interesting, is that they come up with all the valid reasons to why they hate that person just to justify the hatred to themselves and to others. They tell others about how horrible that person is, and if others disagree, or if others say that there is actually no reason to hate that person because he/she is genuinely good, they go nuts about it and think that everyone else is just stupid because they cannot see why that person deserves to be hated.
This was rather an emotionally engaging piece of writing, but I believe that writing is meant to be used to express ones beliefs and values, along with its practical use. When I learned all of this today, I got a liberating sensation. I felt as if I have collected an extra piece of a never-ending puzzle. Hate perplexed me for quite a while and I do not know why I have not done my research. The things I learned today, I learned by coincidence. This is how life works. Go through the test before learning the lesson. And I am more than lucky to be blessed by actually seeing the lesson.
“A feeling of being a ‘bad person’ is often because you have internalised someone else’s skewered viewpoint of yourself and haven’t taken time to form your own.“ This was one of the things I learned today. An amazing person who deserves all my respect send it to me. It truly opened my eyes.
I constantly demand answers from my past although it gives me heartache I have yet to understand
“There are times I resent my strength…” September 14th, 2020
thewordsthatmoodme on instagram
Nine Inch Nails - The Fragile
Just finished Little Hope so here are my thoughts on it after reading people’s opinions:
(Obviously spoilers ahead so don’t read this if you haven’t finished)
Well holy fucking shit. I definitely did not see this coming! And by this, I mean the truth about Andrew being the bus driver all along! I actually completely forgot about the bus driver after a few hours of the gameplay. I know my opinions are going to be different than everyone else’s and that’s fine! Personally I really loved this game! I had my own theories for sure; I thought they were stuck in some kind of curse and kept reincarnating which yes would’ve been interesting but I am happy with this ending as well that Andrew’s dead family has been in his head. Survivors guilt and PTSD/trauma can have very very serious effects on the brain and as a psychology person and a lover of horror, I really gravitate towards understanding how the mind works and sometimes our minds can be terrifying places. Psychological shit is one of my favorite genres! Do I love real monsters too? Yes! I am curious how different the story would’ve been if the demons after them were real. I see a lot of people making comparisons to Man of Medan and I mean personally I really loved that game as well! And the ending! but onto Little Hope. I really feel so much empathy for Andrew’s story. Everything about the plot and events that take place…makes me realize how heavy everything is. It’s basically his mind trying to create personifications and of course the witchcraft element was a metaphor for forgiveness, blame, guilt, trauma, resentment, loss, and pain. Most things were a metaphor from what I’m realizing. Little Hope definitely does have a clear history of witchcraft trials and Andrew learned that I’m assuming growing up there. So it was easy for him to use the trials as a scapegoat to reeanact/understand everything in his mind. I’m trying to organize my thoughts here but yes clearly, Andrew was driving on his night off and I’m wondering where he was actually heading to? Maybe nowhere? Does he often drive around with his “family” in the backseat? Where does his mind usually go? But either way I don’t think he expected to end up in Little Hope. He saw Megan as a delusion and really did crash, and I think to make himself process everything easier, that’s when everything started. Subconsciously he realized he couldn’t avoid the past any longer and needed to stop running and confront it. Later on, the professor literally says “I’m tired of running” because every time they do they just follow them and it gets worse. And even so, the player trying to save them from their demons kinda feels like we’re part of Andrew’s mind too. Saving them could make him feel better and make him feel like he’s less helpless. Also, I think the characters trying to leave Little Hope and couldn’t meant that Andrew was essentially fighting himself like “no, we need to continue and actually process everything that happened.”
I think it’s incredibly powerful to know that while his deceased family (the ones running around with him) are created in his mind to help him process the guilt, the demon look-a-likes chasing them are Andrew’s actual demons. Does that make sense? Like those are the actual ghosts haunting him in his mind, not the family he conjured up. Those things are the personifications of his trauma and survivor’s guilt. That’s fucking deep. Literally “ghosts in my mind”. And they’re scary, they’re meant to be. As someone with trauma too, that’s definitely something I relate to. They lurk in the shadows always trying to drag you down and hold you back from moving on.
I also notice the dialogue in the game is always about everyone blaming Mary for everything. For years, it seems that Andrew has always thought it was Megan’s fault for killing the family. But in time, he realizes “she’s just a little kid” and “can a kid really be behind all of this?” and you can see he has a change of heart to see that Megan was never the problem. In the 70’s, the family never understood her and just thought she was weird and troubled. They were stuck in their own problems and clearly very dysfunctional; the father seemed indifferent to even having these adopted kids in the first place and wasn’t really a parent so he turned to drinking, while the mother was trying hard to figure things out but it never did much. For Andrew, that’s why he imagined his father to be a “professor” because he always wanted him to be responsible and be more of a leader & actually be there for them. And he imagined his mother the same way as she was. There are heavy implications that Andrew might’ve been suspicious that the priest was abusing his sister but maybe wasn’t exactly confident that this was going on, maybe he eavesdropped in on him saying to her “don’t tell anyone of our secret”. But in his mind, his resentment and anger made him believe her actions were because of a demon, which well…they technically were, he just didn’t make the connection that the priest was the demon & the reason she was the way she was. And why she did what she did.
I genuinely do feel empathy for a Vince as well because he’s clearly been through a lot. I can’t imagine losing a girlfriend at a young age. From his perspective, we see he’s held resentment towards Andrew all these years and I don’t think he expected to see him again. He always blamed him. But if you play your cards right, he has it in him to forgive Andrew and try to get him some help. It’s crazy to me that Vince actually stayed in Little Hope until now. Maybe that shows he couldn’t let go of the past either; maybe he felt like moving away would mean letting go of his lost love and it’s something he didn’t want to do. He didn’t want to forget her. I’ve seen some thoughts on Taylor and Daniel’s “relationship” but my theory was either that the developers just wanted to include that couples trope in a horror thing and didnt wanna give anything away or make the player sus of them being family and figuring it out early OR Dennis had a crush on her in the 70’s and only Andrew knew about it so in his mind, he let that play out but it’s definitely still weird 🥴
Overall, I loved this game! I think the only thing I’m wondering now is what will happen to Andrew. Has he really let go of the past? Has he truly healed? I’m assuming he’s going to walk in the diner and call for help but what will become of him? I guess I’m wondering if he’s going to end up in a psychiatric facility or they’ll just let him get help and move on. Personally I’m assuming he’s going to end up getting some sort of therapy; not sure if it’ll be consensual or not but I’m assuming that’s where it’s going. I’m excited for the next game! I hope my thoughts my sense, I think I’ve covered all my bases but it definitely sheds some light on my own demons and my own journey towards letting go of the past, forgiving yourself, forgiving others and healing. It saddens me to know he’s blamed himself all these years when it was never his fault. It wasn’t Megan’s either. It truly is a terrible tragedy and I don’t blame him or Vince for holding on until adulthood. Watching the ones you love die can really cause psychological damage and Andrew has always been alone it seems. It doesn’t seem like he’s ever been able to process it which is why his PTSD has gotten this bad. One last thing I just realized is…in the witchcraft trials, we learn Abraham was going to assume care for Mary. Does this mean that in the 70’s, Andrew was the one mostly taking care of Megan? Did he assume a parental role for her, thus making him feel responsible for her actions? But we learn in the reeanactment, the priest wanted to take care of her and I interpret that as him wanting to fully manipulate and abuser her and Andrew felt like he needed to protect her.
Okay now I really am done 😅 for all I know I might edit this later with more thoughts.
when I hurt myself I look in the mirror and see your face, it brings comfort
“Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die.”
— Carrie Fisher
I didn’t really how angry I was until it was too late.
After everything I went through, I just wanted to be loved.
Even if I’m loved now, I’m still pissed off you never bothered to try.
Why did I waste my time with you? You never wanted me! You never loved me!
I’m so scared it’ll be like you again.
Silent. Distant. Uncaring.
I’m so angry I wasted my time.
Am I screwed if all my thoughts are about planning to make the person I hate with all my heart suffer or get killed? I think i’m obsessed
I don’t know
Owning My Part
“I’m not reaching out, I don’t care.”
“They did ___ to me”
“I did nothing wrong.”
All of these phrases have something in common. They are poisonous to our well being & we must begin to take accountability.
As human beings we naturally want to trust others but unfortunately sometimes that trust diminishes through the interactions we’ve had with shady characters in our lives. I am the Queen of offense-ok? I’ve recognized this through a failed marriage, failed friendships, & failed opportunities. I’m here to tell you it is exhausting carrying the thoughts, emotions & burdens of others to the point of it weighing us down. Guess what? The people I had carried with me moved on with their lives & there I was-Petty Patty filled with the spirit of offense & resentment towards someone that already forgot my name. Do yourself a favor & free yourself!
Freeing yourself isn’t about “letting someone win” or putting on an act that you’re so strong you don’t want/ need others seeing you weak. Instead, recognize that feeling the need to control how events play out is simply not your job, beloved. The only thing you have control over is how you respond to conflict & adversity. Rest assured knowing that as long as everything you do/say is from a place that’s pure (even when some people may deserve what’s coming to them) God will handle them. How others should be dealt with is not your place! Trust me, everyone has to face themselves eventually.
I’ve literally said:
“If Joe Blow died tomorrow I would dance on their grave.”
With a straight face ya’ll. The issue was I still had no peace because I was so filled with hatred for the person that had wronged me. Do not let your Ego trick you into thinking that you are justified in wanting revenge because you will stay stuck. You are better than that! You deserve to be open to trusting & building healthy relationships that can benefit you so, don’t let your past ruin something great in the now. Don’t wait to have that talk with someone you care about & release that person who wronged you.