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#rest in peace

It still absolutely fascinates and yet frightens me how one day you could be here taking and making space, then suddenly one day you’re gone.

Like a dream leaving everyone who knew you hollow where you once filled them.

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You lose someone and it’s like the world stops

Like a story ends mid-sentence,

You’ll never know if the girl marries the boy or if she finds a new love along the way

Or what she studies in college

What she’ll become passionate about

Where she’ll settle down

What new hights she’d reach

The names of her children or her first dog

All the possibilities in the world just end

Suddenly

And without a second chance

No conclusion just empty space where a life used to be

-Z (@all-the-pretty-words) 11/23/2020

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I lost a friend today

a beautiful soul of a girl

Only 19 years old

Her smile and laugh lit a room like nothing else

Filled to the brim with infectious energy

Even in the years between friendship and now

I still think often of her presence

One I’ll never live in again.

This world lost a light

One it sorely needs.

But the heavens are brighter tonight for her.

-Z (@all-the-pretty-words) 11/23/2020

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Lonely, lonely, even when the room is full

I’d trade it, trade it, I would trade it all for you

Lonely, lonely, even when the room is full

I’d trade it, trade it, I’d trade it all for you

Lonely, lonely, even when the room is full

I’d trade it, trade it, I’d trade it all for you

Lonely, lonely, even when the room is full

I hate this, I’m jaded, and I’d trade it all for you

image
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On November 1st, I experienced my first birthday without my Dad.  And this Thursday, I’ll experience my first family holiday without my Dad.

Physically, he had been far away for awhile.  He moved to Arizona and I live in New Hampshire.  Space has kept us apart, but he was always a phone call away.  We would share things on Messenger.  He would text a weather update (because he hated snow and cold and loved reminding us how warm it was in AZ).  I felt his presence in my life every day, even though we weren’t physically close together.  I have celebrated birthdays and holidays without Dad at the table.  But he was alive.  He was there.

His death has put a hole in my heart and my spirit and my life in ways that I cannot put into words.  I piece of me is missing.  It’s hard to define the shape, to explain the feeling, to verbalize the ache.  But it’s there - so raw and so real - every day.

And each milestone that passes feels like another tear in the fabric of my being.  And I know that I’ll stitch myself back together, perhaps stronger than before.  Time heals all wounds - so they tell us.  And these cuts will heal over into scars.

But I am not OK.  

I am not OK.

I am broken and hurt and sad and lonely and lost and scared….

I am not OK.

Daddy…I miss you.  I didn’t get enough time.  You left too soon and I am so mad at you for leaving - again and again and again - and mad at myself for not trying harder to get to you.

Reader, love fiercely.  Don’t wait until tomorrow.  Burn brightly for those closest to you - hug them harder, say your love louder, speak your truth now.  Not later.  Now.

I cannot tell you what emotions you’ll feel or what regret will taste like in your mouth.  I can only tell you what my experience has given and taken from me.

a-moments-grace
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