Gentle Hands Chapter 8
Natasha Romanoff x fem!Reader
Rating: M (explicit and very heavy)
Word Count: 4,3k
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Warnings: mentions of domestic violence (physical and emotional abuse)
Notes: reuploading because tumblr dislikes long fics or something.
Sometimes you don’t know you’re grieving until you’re in the middle of it. Or in the middle of something. One minute you’re pushing your daughter on the baby swing and the next minute you look over and realize there’s no one there but you. It’s an empty feeling. The sensation is hollow, disconcerting, and unpleasant. It induces a desire to retreat into darkness, a pain so intense it feels deserved. Maybe you deserve it. Maybe for separating Kaia from her father, leaving Keith isolated. He depended on you, just as you relied on him. The only thing is he never left. He kept his promises. Even if he broke all of them more than once. He never left you alone. There was never enough time to think. Never enough time to stop and realize it wasn’t what you wanted. But you did right? It’s why you stayed. In an attempt to fend off the loneliness gripping you now, a profound despair coursing through your veins like venom, you stayed.
You endured all he threw at you because, deep down, it seemed preferable to the current state to the life you’re leading now. You sense it coursing through your veins, tightening until it constricts your breath. Abruptly, the knot in your stomach intensifies, and a sharp pain grips you, settling in the lower regions of your stomach.
You pause to take a breath, inhaling and exhaling for a few moments. The pain fades quicker than your thoughts can catch up. This feeling isn't new; you remember it from your early pregnancy days with Kaia. Back then, you'd turn to Google for reassurance, and talking to Keith always brought comfort. He knew what you needed, even when you didn't.
Now, uncertainty clouds your mind. You try to keep track of basic needs – food, shelter, transportation. But it goes deeper. Kaia's well-being becomes crucial; if she goes hungry or falls sick, the fear of losing her to him haunts you. The thought lingers – you might be seen as an unfit mother. The fear sometimes overwhelms you, and you can't shake the idea that your supposed freedom is a facade. Keith might show up any moment, shattering the illusion of safety you've clung to.
Life's twists aren't lost on you. In the past, his presence gave you comfort, and he was your world. Love used to drive you to do anything for him, but now, you question if that kind of love is what you truly want anymore.
You inhale deeply before extending your arms to scoop up Kaia. She's an exceptionally patient toddler, your little angel. Many parents use that term, but for you, it rings true. She's been your saving grace in more ways than one. Your will to live is intricately tied to her existence. You strongly desire to witness her growth, and the idea of experiencing that adorable gummy grin every morning is a source of genuine joy. She's not just a part of your life; she's the heartbeat that propels you forward, a tiny force that adds meaning and purpose to your journey.
Cradling Kaia in your arms, the 15-month-old beams up at you with an enchanting, toothy grin. She babbles away in her sweet, baby language, some of which you can understand, and her innocent laughter fills your heart.
"Mama, food," Kaia demands.
"Food, huh?" You ask, a smile spreading across your face in response to Kaia's adorable request.
Kaia, her eyes sparkling, responds with an enthusiastic, "Yeah, yeah!" Her joyful energy is infectious, and you can't help but share in her excitement for the upcoming meal.
“Alright, let’s get you fed,” You hoist her higher on your hip.
Amid her baby talk, a thought crosses your mind. Inspired by Kaia's playful energy, you consider reaching out to Darcy for a lunch date. With Kaia giggling and gurgling in your arms, the idea of sharing time with your best friend seems more plausible. You should call her.
***************
Surprisingly, you find yourself nervous about meeting Darcy, your best friend, of all people. She's the one you confide in, the person who knows everything about you. Yet, ever since that night at Tony's gala, you've been avoiding her, reluctant to face any potential judgment. It's not that you believe Darcy would criticize you; instead, you anticipate her anger directed at Keith. He's the source of the problem, always has been, and you're finally acknowledging it.
Sitting in a cafe, your leg bounces nervously as you wait. Trying to ease the tension, you observe Kaia happily munching on french fries. Your eyes flutter around the room, distracted by the anticipation of the upcoming conversation with Darcy.
A few moments later, the cafe door jingles, and in walks Darcy, her eyes scanning the cafe until they lock onto you. A wide grin spreads across her face, and she strides over with an enthusiastic, "Hey, you!". You respond with a wave. Her gaze then shifts to Kaia, who's blissfully engaged with her french fries.
Darcy crouches down, her excitement palpable, "And who's this little munchkin?" she asks, reaching out a hand for a high-five. Kaia looks up from her fries, momentarily taken aback, but after a moment, she responds with an adorable smile, slapping Darcy's hand in return.
Darcy chuckles, "Well, hello there, cutie! You must be Kaia. I've heard so much about you." While she may not consider herself a "kids person," the genuine warmth in Darcy's voice suggests she's genuinely pleased to finally meet the little one she's heard so much about.
“You didn’t tell me she was this cute,” Darcy grins as she slides into the booth seat across from you. “I mean look at that face.”
You laugh at Darcy's comment, feeling a wave of relief as the tension eases. "Yeah, she's got that adorable factor going on," you say with a smile, glancing at Kaia, who's now studying Darcy with wide-eyed curiosity. "And she knows it too," you add, your fondness for Kaia evident in your eyes. "How have you been, Darcy?"
“Shouldn’t I be the one to ask you that?” Darcy tilts her head. “I’ve missed you, girlie.”
You appreciate Darcy's concern and a small, grateful smile tugs at your lips. "I've missed you too," you admit, feeling a mix of emotions. "Life's been a bit of a rollercoaster, but having you here makes it better."
“Mushiness,” Darcy comments with narrowed eyes. She analyzes your face and sighs. There’s
a subtle shift in her demeanor. “I’m glad you got away from him.”
With a nod, you express your gratitude, "Thanks, Darcy. It was a tough call, but I needed to do it. “
“I have a lot of questions,” Darcy frowns. “I just really want to know if you’re okay. With everything. I know a cafe isn’t the best place to do it but…”
Darcy's frown and the concern in her voice tug at your heartstrings. You appreciate her genuine worry. "I get it, Darcy. And I appreciate your concern. Honestly, a cafe is as good a place as any. Ask away, and I'll fill you in on whatever you want to know," you say, ready to share your thoughts and feelings with the friend you trust the most.
“How long had that been going on?” Darcy asked. “The problems with Keith? We’ve been friends for quite a while now. I never noticed anything. I’m sorry I didn’t notice anything. I just wish there was something I could have done to help. Like, kick his ass or something. I carry a taser you know.”
With a chuckle you respond, “I do know.” You take a moment to collect your thoughts before responding to Darcy's questions. "It's not your fault, Darcy. These things were hidden well. I wanted them to be hidden. The problems with Keith had been lingering for a while, but I guess I got good at putting on a brave face.” You lick your lips. “They started around the end of my last pregnancy. I, um, it was subtle at first. Just backhanded comments or random acts of control. Then he was fine when she was born but after she was a little older I noticed he was more distant. He hit me the first time on our anniversary. Kaia was four months old then," There's a weight lifted off your shoulders, knowing that you have Darcy's support and understanding. This is the first time you’ve ever told anybody this. “He came home late. Later than usual and I was so angry. I was so tired. I had been with Kaia all morning. I had gone out of my way to dress up and have the neighbor down the hall babysit. I just wanted a night with him. I just wanted a night for him to notice me like before. I questioned him on his whereabouts. I wasn’t angry by then. Just tired and annoyed. He didn’t even notice the dress. He just got super defensive. Said he was at work and a meeting ran late. I called bullshit on it. He backhanded me.”
“Wow, holy fuck,” Darcy says before she covers her mouth with a hand. “Sorry, I shouldn’t curse in front of her.”
“It’s fine,” You dismiss. “If she hasn’t picked up anything from all the things she’s heard before then she won’t pick it up now.”
“Seriously, dude,” Darcy shakes her head. “I’m sorry I don’t know what to say I just…that makes me so angry.”
Darcy's genuine frustration resonates in her words, and you nod in understanding. "I know, Darcy. It's infuriating, but it's okay. What matters is that I'm taking steps to move forward. Having you here means a lot, and I know you'll always have my back," you assure her.
“You’re not ever going back to him right?” She asks. “You’re done for good this time? Like I know it’s complicated but… I really want you to be safe. You and the munchkin here.”
Her concern is evident, and you appreciate her straightforwardness. Taking a deep breath, you meet her gaze and respond, "No, Darcy. I'm done for good. It's been a tough decision, but I need to prioritize our safety and well-being. I want to create a better life for both Kaia and myself, and that means moving forward without Keith. That and I think Tony and the guys threatened him a little. Natasha won’t admit it but…”
Darcy's eyes widen, and a mischievous grin plays on her lips. "Really now? The Avengers giving him a friendly talk, huh?" She chuckles, shaking her head. "I guess it's good to have some superhero backup in your corner. But seriously, I'm glad you're taking the steps to move on. You and Kaia deserve all the happiness and safety in the world."
Dipping the teabag into the steaming cup, you appreciate the warmth it brings. Kaia, ever sweet, offers you the muffin you’d been eating, and you break it apart with ease. "Speaking of superheroes in my corner," you begin, "my parents came to the tower. I'm staying in Natasha's place for now, just until I figure things out, and they want me to come home." The words hang in the air, carrying a mix of emotions as you navigate through the support and decisions unfolding in your life.
“Your parents came to the tower?” Darcy seems even more mindblown. “Did they think you would leave with them?”
“Something like that,” You nod. “I can’t at the moment. I don’t want to. I want to be as independent as I can. I just need to figure out things on my own for now. Also, I didn’t tell them about the baby for a reason. It’s just a lot right now.”
“Baby as in Kaia?” Darcy’s eyes widen.
“I’m about nine weeks pregnant,” You reveal. If there’s anyone you can tell this to it’s Darcy.
Darcy's eyes widen in both surprise and excitement. "No way! That's huge news!" she exclaims a mix of joy and surprise on her face. "Congratulations, I think! But I get it, that's a lot to handle, especially with everything else going on. You're a strong woman, though, and I know you'll figure things out. And hey, you've got me for any late-night ice cream runs or baby advice. We'll navigate this together."
“That’s kind of the thing,” You frown. “I don’t know if I should keep it. I mean, with everything going on.”
Darcy leans back, her brow furrowed as she processes the information. "Okay, woah, that's like, major life stuff. “ She looks to you. “I get it. Responsibility on top of responsibility, right? Are you thinking of not keeping it because you think people will judge or because you truly don’t want it?”
You take a deep breath, appreciating Darcy's directness. "It's a bit of both, you know? Back when I was with Keith, the idea of bringing another baby into our toxic mess felt like a trap. But now, things are different. I have Kaia, and I'm navigating this single motherhood journey. Part of it is fear, the unknown of handling two on my own, and the other part is this lingering worry about judgment. It's a lot to take in, and I'm just trying to figure out what's best for all of us."
“I just want there to be a point in my life where I’m sure about things,” You sigh. “I mean, shouldn’t this be something I’m one hundred percent sure about? A baby? I think they should be born if a person one hundred percent wants it.”
“And do you?” Darcy begins. “Hear me out. Besides you feeling like you can’t do it, and feeling like Keith was wrong, what do you want? What feels best for you? There’s no wrong answer. Well, I guess there can be but what do you want?”
You nod, grateful for Darcy's thoughtful approach. "Honestly, I'm still figuring that out. In a way, it's like I've been conditioned to believe I can't handle it, especially after everything with Keith. But, deep down, there's a part of me that wonders what it would be like to embrace this new chapter. Fear is there, judgment is there, but I want to make a decision that feels right for me. It's just hard to filter through all the noise right now." Your response reflects the internal struggle you go through daily.
You take a deep breath, the uncertainty clouding your thoughts. "Darcy, it's like...I'm standing at this crossroads, and both paths look equally daunting and promising. I can't help but wonder, what if I can do this? What if this little one is meant to be a part of our story, a story that's different from the one I thought I'd live? But then there's this voice, this nagging doubt, questioning if I'm ready for all of it. It's a lot, you know? And I'm just in this fog of questioning, trying to see through it and figure out what feels right. Does that make any sense?" Your words carry the weight of contemplation and the internal struggle as you grapple with the myriad emotions and possibilities.
Darcy leans back, her expression thoughtful. "Totally makes sense," she says, her gaze steady. "You're navigating uncharted waters, and feeling uncertain is okay. This is a big decision, and you've got a lot on your plate already. Whatever you decide, just know I'm here for you. We'll face whatever comes our way, superhero style, right?" She offers a reassuring smile, emphasizing her support and willingness to stand by you through the uncertainties ahead.
“That’s so corny,” You snicker, feeling a bit more lighthearted.
Darcy grins, unapologetic. "Hey, I live for the corny moments. Keeps life interesting, right? But seriously, whatever you decide, I've got your back. Corny or not, we'll face it together." Her playful demeanor adds a touch of levity to the conversation, creating a moment of shared laughter amidst the weighty discussion.“So, you’re staying with Natasha Romanoff? How’s that? How did that even come about?”
"Yeah, staying with Natasha is...unexpectedly good," you respond, a small smile playing on your lips. "She was the one who helped me break free from Keith, offered me a place to stay, and even talked to Tony to get me my old job back. It's been a lifeline. Living with her is like having a silent mentor, and Kaia loves her. Natasha's got this no-nonsense vibe, but she's got a big heart too, you know?" The gratitude in your voice is evident as you reflect on the unexpected support and friendship Natasha has provided during this challenging time.
“Actually, I don’t,” Darcy shakes her head. “Natasha doesn’t usually allow people to get close.”
You nod, acknowledging Darcy's observation. "Yeah, I get that. Natasha is a tough nut to crack. But there's this understanding between us, a shared experience of sorts. She saw what was happening with Keith and didn't hesitate to help. I guess some connections just form in the most unexpected ways." You offer a thoughtful smile, appreciating the uniqueness of the bond you've developed with Natasha during this difficult chapter of your life. “How are things with you and Steve?” You ask to change the topic.
"Oh, me and Cap?" Darcy grins, her eyes dancing with mischief. "Well, let's just say, he's got those old-fashioned gentleman vibes. Always checking in, making sure I'm not causing too much trouble. But hey, we make a good team, whether it's saving the world or just picking out the best takeout for movie nights." She winks, implying a friendship with Steve that goes beyond the conventional.
“So you two are a thing now? I mean I’ve kind of been avoiding everyone so I don’t have any information on well, anything.”
Darcy chuckles, her expression slightly coy. "Well, 'a thing' might be a strong term, but yeah, we've been... testing the waters, I guess. It's all a bit new and unexpected, but Steve's a great guy, and we're enjoying each other's company. Nothing official, just figuring it out as we go." She offers a playful shrug, hinting at the evolving nature of their connection.
“Well, you have me to thank for that.” You slyly grin.
Darcy raises an eyebrow, feigning innocence. "Oh, do I now? And here I thought it was my dazzling personality," she quips, a playful smirk crossing her face. “Thank you, y/n. You’re a gem.”
You glance over at Kaia, her tiny head drooping as she dozes off in her high chair. The soft rhythmic rise and fall of her chest indicate that the cafe's atmosphere has finally taken its toll on her, and the need for a nap has become undeniable.
You share a knowing smile with Darcy, gently reaching over to collect the now-empty muffin wrapper and the scattered fries, silently acknowledging that it's time to wrap up this cafe rendezvous.
“I should probably head back to the tower,” You say.
"Yeah, it sounds like a plan," Darcy agrees, understanding the need to tend to Kaia's nap and your responsibilities. "Whenever you're ready to spill the beans on your decision-making process or just need a friend, you know where to find me. Until then, take care of yourself and the little munchkin." Darcy gives you a supportive smile as you gather your things and prepare to head back to the tower. You move around the table to hug her and kiss her cheek.
You’ve missed your best friend.
Cradling Kaia in your arms, you prepare to head home, grateful for the support and conversation that have made this outing both meaningful and comforting.
*********************
As you settle back into Natasha's suite, the temporary nature of the arrangement crosses your mind. It's strange, living in someone else's space, but you're gradually adapting to the idea. Your parents' departure means Natasha gets her suite back, and you're determined to keep the promise you made to stay in touch with them.
Planning for the future, you're already envisioning budgeting your income and making arrangements for Kaia's daycare. The prospect of someone else caring for her feels unsettling, but you recognize it as a necessary step to help you get back on your feet. These plans mark a path toward independence and stability, a future where you and Kaia can thrive on your terms.
You’re finishing up a few dishes when the subtle beep of the security sensor echoes through the quiet suite, announcing Natasha's return. The atmosphere in the kitchen seems to shift as she ambles in, her eyes casually scanning the room as if searching for someone. You, maybe.
“Hey,” You greet her.
“Hey,” She says back. She moves to sit at the island counter. “How was your day?”The question is posed with a calmness that mirrors the quiet atmosphere of the room, inviting you to share without the need for elaborate words.
You offer a small smile, replying, "It was okay, pretty standard. I met up with Darcy for lunch. Yours?"
Natasha meets your gaze with her usual composed demeanor, a hint of something softer beneath the surface. "Productive," she replies, her succinct words carrying a subtle warmth.
As you hang up a drying towel, you can't help but feel a mild curiosity about Natasha's response. "What does that mean?" you inquire, the question lingering in the air, seeking clarity on the nature of Natasha's day.
Natasha offers a brief, enigmatic smile, her eyes meeting yours. "Just tying up loose ends," she replies, her response leaving a touch of mystery in the air. “Where’s Kaia?”
"Kaia's napping," You answer, a soft smile playing on your lips as you continue with the kitchen chores. The brief exchange carries a sense of normalcy, a routine that has developed in this shared space.
You share this thought with Natasha as you continue your tasks in the kitchen. "I've been thinking about going back to school, like I mentioned before. Maybe a couple of months down the line. It's completely online, so there won't be any more time away from Kaia that's needed," you explain, the idea taking shape in your mind as you consider this potential step toward personal and professional growth.
“What will you study?”
Natasha's question prompts you to consider the specifics of your potential return to school.
"I'm thinking of pursuing a degree in business administration," You share, the words carrying a sense of determination. "It feels like a step in the right direction, you know? Something that allows me to build a more stable future for Kaia and me." The quiet kitchen conversation takes on a slightly more purposeful note as you discuss your aspirations for the future. “Then possibly HR or consulting? I only have like two years left so it wouldn’t take too long. Also, I can take breaks if needed. With the new baby coming and everything.”
Natasha's gaze subtly shifts to acknowledge the topic of the baby, a recognition that holds a weight of understanding. "Considering everything, it's a comprehensive plan. Education, career, and the new addition to the family," she remarks, her words encompassing the various facets of your evolving life. "So, you've made a decision?" she asks, her steady gaze prompting a response.
You feel a nervous energy settle in, and you respond with a self-deprecating half-smile, "More like flipped a coin, to be honest." The admission is accompanied by a nervous chuckle. "I mean, it's a lot, right? The idea of going back to school, handling a job, and now with the baby on the way, it's like juggling a dozen balls in the air, hoping they don't come crashing down."
Your explanation flows into a ramble as you share your thoughts, "But then, I figured life's always been a bit of a chaotic dance, and maybe it's time I joined in. The baby changes things, but it's also this unexpected source of motivation. A reason to push through the chaos and make a better life, not just for me but for them. It's scary, but maybe that's the nature of big decisions, right?" The vulnerability in your words lingers as an open admission of the uncertainty and hope that accompany the choices you're making.
“Right,” Natasha nods.
You share a reassuring smile with Natasha, sensing the need to address the potential concerns about staying in her suite. "And you don't have to worry; I'll be out of your hair soon enough," you assure her. "Tony's getting one of the other suites cleaned up, and he says we could stay there until I find an apartment or something. I've already been looking at a few places, so it should go well," you add, your words carrying a sense of gratitude for the support you've received.
Natasha listens to your reassurance, her expression composed as she processes the information. "It's really no problem having you and Kaia stay at my apartment," she assures you, concealing any potential reservations with a calm demeanor. "And Liho seems to like having company around," she adds, a subtle hint of a smile appearing as she mentions her cat's fondness for the both of you.
You express your gratitude to Natasha, a genuine smile crossing your face. "Well, I like Liho too," you say, acknowledging the bond with Natasha's feline companion. "Seriously, thank you, Natasha, for everything. I know this is just the beginning, but I'm looking forward to getting things together for myself. This stage of grief is hard for me. A breakup isn't easy, but I'm genuinely motivated to get it right this time,"
Natasha meets your words with a subtle nod, her eyes reflecting a depth of understanding. "You're welcome," she responds, her tone carrying a quiet reassurance. "Take the time you need, and don't hesitate to lean on the support around you. We're here for you," she adds, a hint of warmth beneath her composed exterior.
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