#rostam carstairs

[melanielocke]

Alastember - day 6 - friendship

Alastair and Kamala take Rostam to Hyde Park. Rostam is almost 2 here and he's very cute.

CW: period typical racism and misogynie

@alastair-appreciation-month

‘Rostam! Oh, you’ve grown so much!’

Kamala knelt down in front of the toddler, smiling brightly at him. She’d always been fond of children and Rostam was no exception. Alastair would be visiting Hyde Park with her today and he’d decided he might as well bring Rostam. He loved to explore new areas.  

‘Kamala!’ he shouted excitedly.

Alastair let Rostam out of the stroller and allowed him to run over to his friend. He was still learning how to walk and was tripping over his own feet all the time, so Alastair would have to keep a close eye on him.

At almost two years old, Rostam still preferred to stay close to his family and he didn’t like strangers, but he’d made an exception for Kamala. Thomas too, because no one was as tall as Thomas and Rostam could see the whole world riding on his shoulders.

‘Wow, you’re so fast,’ Kamala said.

Alastair laid out a blanket with some of Rostam’s toys he’d brought and a sippy cup with apple juice in case Rostam got thirsty.

‘You can go explore, but don’t stray too far,’ Alastair said. ‘I want to be able to see you, okay?’

He never quite knew how much Rostam understood already. His speech consisted of mostly one or two word phrases, but Alastair often got the sense he already understood a lot more.

Rostam walked along the grass and dropped down a couple of meters from the blanket, staring at something in the grass.

‘He’s growing up so fast,’ Kamala said. ‘I remember when he was just a little thing, staring at me with his big dark eyes. Now he can walk and speak.’

‘All on a very beginner level. He still has plenty of growing up to do. But he’s making lots of big steps. Maman keeps saying what a magnificent shadowhunter he’ll be when he grows up.’ Alastair sighed, looked down. ‘Like his father, she says.’

Kamala put a hand on his shoulder. ‘He’ll be a magnificent shadowhunter like you. Like Cordelia.’

‘Cordelia and I decided that Cortana should be his when he’s old enough to wield it,’ Alastair said. ‘She can’t wield it anymore, and for me it doesn’t feel right. Cortana never chose me, it was never meant to be mine.’

‘Does it still bother you?’ Kamala asked. ‘You wielded Cortana well, you know. I don’t see why it can’t be yours.’

‘I feel more comfortable wielding my spears,’ Alastair said. ‘Don’t worry about me, it was my choice. Rostam, don’t eat that!’

Alastair stood up and walked over to his little brother, who was putting dirt into his mouth.

‘Rostam, we don’t eat dirt,’ he said. ‘That’ll make you sick.’

Rostam followed him back to the blanket and started playing with his rabbit plushie for a while. It had been a old plushie of Alastair’s that he used to call François for some reason. He’d decided he could live with it if Rostam ended up chewing its ears of. Some of his other old toys he’d decided to save for when Rostam was a little older and less likely to break everything he touched.

After a while, Rostam decided to wander off a little farther again and Alastair knew he needed to keep watch. Not only was Rostam prone to put all sorts of dirty things into his mouth, he had also brought the rabbit along and if Rostam came back without it Alastair would have to go looking for it.

A middle aged white man walked down the path where Rostam was playing. He was dressed in a coat, wearing a rather old fashioned top hat Alastair wouldn’t wish to be found dead in. It was the kind of thing he could picture Charles wearing, serious and gentlemanly but at least a decade behind in fashion. Many older shadowhunter men of London were a little behind in their fashion. After all, shadowhunters were not supposed to care the way mundanes did. But Alastair had not been raised that way, his mother had always emphasized the importance of dressing well. Alastair could not afford to dress wrong.

Rostam was running around, not looking where he was going until he bumped right into the man and fell over, immediately bursting into tears. Alastair shot up and picked up Rostam, taking him back to the blanket. He heard the man grumble something and Kamala remained closer to him and said something in return. Alastair couldn’t make out their words over Rostam’s crying, but it seemed like they were arguing.

‘It’s okay, Rostam,’ Alastair whispered to his little brother. ‘Where does it hurt?’

Rostam didn’t say or do anything to indicate where it hurt, but then perhaps he was a little young for that. Alastair held him in his lap, and after a little while Rostam’s crying softened.

The man walked over to Alastair, a furious expression on his face. ‘Keep your wife and son under control,’ he sneered before continuing on his walk and disappearing from view.

Kamala joined him a few moments later, sitting down next to him. ‘I hate men like that,’ she grumbled. ‘Doesn’t he understand Rostam’s not even two years old? How is he supposed to watch out and keep quiet?’

‘That’s what you were arguing about?’

‘He was being very rude,’ Kamala said. ‘And also racist. I don’t think he would have made such a scene if it’d been a white child. What did he say to you anyway?’

‘Apparently I have a wife. And a son.’

Kamala raised an eyebrow.

‘He told me to keep my wife and son under control,’ Alastair said, and moments later he and Kamala both burst into laughter.

‘He assumed we’re married? And that Rostam is our child?’

‘It’s not so far fetched, I guess.’

When he took Rostam out, people often assumed he was Rostam’s father, but this was the first time anyone had assumed Kamala was Rostam’s mother.

‘What, are you going to tell me to behave modestly? To not embarrass you in front of old white rich men?’ Kamala teased.

‘That’s something Charles would do,’ Alastair said. ‘If he ever finds a fiancée who lasts long enough to actually marry him.’

Alastair had never been able to imagine the married life as something that would suit him, something that would feel right. There were plenty of men like him who chose to marry, but to Alastair that felt wrong. Even if he did not have to deceive a woman and had the option to marry a woman like Kamala, he imagined it would be a very difficult situation to navigate and Alastair had never been particularly good at social relationships. He certainly couldn’t imagine becoming so dominant in a relationship as was expected of men, to have a wife who obeyed him in everything. With his tendency towards bad decisions, that would be a disaster.

‘I’m so glad I didn’t marry him,’ Kamala said. ‘I really wouldn’t have minded so much to be married to a man who prefers men. But not Charles.’

‘I don’t think you would have been happy with him,’ Alastair said. ‘I’m glad I left him too. And I’m glad to have a best friend to complain about him with.’

François is an the Owl House reference since that's how I pictured the rabbit looks

Taglist: @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @life-through-the-eyes-of @styxdrawings @justanormaldemon @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised @amchara @all-for-the-fanfiction @imsoftforthomastair @ddepressedbookworm @queenlilith43 @wagner-fell @cant-think-of-anything @laylax13s @tessherongraystairs @boredfangirl16 @artist-in-soul

#Alastair Carstairs #Kamala Joshi #Ariadne Bridgestock #Rostam Carstairs #baby carstairs #the last hours #tlh #alastember 2022

[we-are-the-stories07]

ChoT Ch. 1 - stuff that made me grin like an idiot

ft. a healthy dose of emoji vomit

- "You look beautiful, Daisy" [yes I squealed even though it was just in Cordelia's imagination 😭] - "She was a Carstairs, a Jahanshah. The blood of Rostam ran in her veins. She would dress in fire if she liked." [These lines were 🔥 no pun intended] - Will dramatically retelling the story of him and Tessa - "Kheili khoshgeli...You are so beautiful" [yes I cried even though it was just in James' dream 😭] - "I do not own an earflap hat" James lol ily - Jesse cupping Lucie's face [🥺] - Ariadne has a pet birb!!! [yall who would win, oscar or winston 👀] - Ariadne and Grace bond [she misses her I'm counting it as a bond] Also this did not make me grin but I KNEW since ChoG that Bridgestock was up to no good and I would bet five bucks that he's the "unexpected enemy" in the ChoT synopsis or at least that he's the first to jump on James bc of his heritage

#the last hours #tlh #chain of thorns #chot #chain of thorns snippet #james herondale #cordelia carstairs #herondaisy #lucie herondale #jesse blackthorn #ghostwriter #ariadne bridgestock

[magnus-magnificent-bane]

*after the talk with Rostam* @the-other-carstairs okay I think I know which demon he was talking about. And as good as I am with my magic, I unfortunately cant do anything about your memory loss.

[lifewouldbebetteronmars]

Okay I am lowkey pissed off that Zachary’s (aka Baby Carstairs) middle name isn’t Rostam

#the last hours #chain of thorns #chain of thorns spoilers #cot spoilers #zachary carstairs #zachary arash carstairs

[wagner-fell]

Inspired by Beetlejuice, mostly the song What I Know Now bc I listen to that song way more than anyone reasonably should tw major mention of suicide

Rostam awoke in his sister’s old bedroom in Cirenworth. But that didn’t make sense, did it? The last thing he remembered was the panicked cries of the various members of his family-in-law as he lost consciousness in the alleyway behind The Devil’s Tavern. Perhaps he had carried to this bizarre choice of location to heal.

However something was decidedly off about it. Dresses from Cordelia’s childhood were strew across the floor. The lightbulbs that were usually fixed on the wall on either side of her desk were replaced by candles, though few were lit. A dollhouse rested in the corner by the door.

And there was a man sitting on her bed.

He was short, with dark brown hair that cropped just below his ears. His eyes were such a deep brown they appeared black. He wore a dress shirt that would have been in pristine condition if not for the blood that covered the majority of it, stemming from the knife that was buried in his abdomen. And if that wasn’t weird enough, he looked just like the man Rostam saw in the mirror, if not a few years older.

“Who are you,” Rostam wondered aloud.

The man snapped his head in the direction of the newcomer. “Rostam?” His voice was horse and he sounded as if he hadn’t spoken in so long he’d nearly forgotten how to. “What on earth are you doing here?”

Rostam tried to take a step backwards but found himself unable to move. “How do you know my name?”

The man’s face fell. It returned to the resigned sadness it had displayed before Rostam’s arrival had twisted it into a mix of surprise and anger. “Of course you don’t recognize me. I’m Alastair, your brother.” Alastair hadn’t needed to introduce himself as his brother. He would have known the second he said his name.

Because of course Rostam knew who Alastair was. Maman and Cordelia still burst into tears at the mere mention of his name more often than not, even after all these years later.

Rostam had never met his brother. He killed himself several weeks before the youngest member of the Carstairs family was born. But he heard all about him constantly. He was told he was an exact replica of his late brother so often it was impossible to avoid him in conversation.

Rostam could have said or done about a million things in that moment. He could have ran over and wrapped him in a giant hug or informed him that Thomas Lightwood, for reasons unknow, still wore all white on the day he died. But instead, Rostam asked, “why did you do it?”

Alastair sighed. “That’s justified I suppose.”

He looked him dead in the eye, which was frankly more upsetting than the fact that it was his long dead brother making him so uncomfortable.

“I insisted I was fine, I was not. I didn’t get out a lot, you know? Our families reputation was at stake. I began raising Cordelia at eight.” Alastair laughed bitterly. “And my so called ‘one true love’? Oh, he didn’t give a damn.”

He broke eye contact, his eyes flitting around the room. “So, yes, I was depressed. Also completely obsessed. An unhappy bastard king who faced social isolation at fourteen. I had such low self-esteem. I was a mess.” He gestured around the room. “Being in this room with our sister is one of the only happy memories I have left. I suppose that’s why I’m trapped hear for all eternity.”

“I gave more memories with Cordelia up for the netherworld. I’ve been here,” he waved his arms wildly, gesturing at the contents of the room, “since before you entered this world. If I lived in a more forgiving world, I might have stuck it out, might have been able to learn what life’s about.”

“Pain and joy and suffering. Failing but recovering. I’ll tell you another thing. Once you die, your even more alone. So if you have anyone who loves you, go home.”

Rostam wanted to cry out, wanted to tell Alastair he had people who loved him, who were still in mourning after seventeen years. But he kept quiet as Alastair began to speak again.

“If I knew then what I know now I would have looked within and let happiness in somehow.” Alastair shook his head slightly. The long-ago shed tears glistened in the candlelight as he did so. “If I only knew the truth back then.” His fingers hovered over ornate blade sunk in his stomach. “I wouldn’t have had my little accident.”

Despite his immobility, Rostam felt tears of his own spill down his checks.

“I think you’re hear because you’re dying.” Rostam suddenly recalled the severity of his pain from the demonic attack. “That seems logical. But Alastair, I don’t want to go back. I want to stay here. With you.”

Rostam had nothing going for him in the world of the living. His fiancée had just called off their engagement a month before their wedding because she’d fallen out of love with him but didn’t have to heart to tell him when he’d proposed. And after three years togethe, his friends had all become her friends too. At the moment, they were all to busy comforting her to see just how much he was hurting. He’d gone to the pub in the first place to drink away his troubles. The hoard of demons would have been a welcome distraction if he hadn’t been far beyond tipsy when they came out of hiding.

He wanted nothing more to join his brother. A ghost only onto himself, away from where any fresh wounds could emerge.

Rostam was just so, so tired of hurting.

Alastair shook his head like that was the most idiot thing he’d ever heard. “Rostam, I know what your going through. Another layer of my eternal curse is that I can see and hear everything that goes on in or around this room. But Rostam, don’t be blind. You can’t just leave your whole life behind.”

“Says you,” Rostam muttered. Alastair glared at him.

“You think I haven’t regretted that decision since the second I ended up in this infernal place? Talk to Risa or Maman. Ask the recently passed on. Death is final unless you’re a Blackthorn.”

“If I knew then what I know now,” he repeated once more, “I would have crossed every line and drank all the wine before my final bow.”

“If I knew the things that now I know.” He turned his gaze back on Rostam a final time. “I would have never tried so hard to please those self righteous Merry Thieves. I would have shouted till my throat grew sore. I would have damned every social rule and norm. So before to rest you are laid, make sure your depts are paid. I know you think everything is over for you, but you’re seventeen. Will yourself to wake up and ask Cordelia what fresh hells being seventeenth entails.”

“But I can’t, dadash. I can’t go back. I just…I don’t truly want to die but I simply can’t return to the mental torture that awaits me.” Rostam chocked out a singular sob. “I can’t,” he whispered.

“But are you any happier here?“ Alastair asked in an equally soft voice.

“Anything is better than what I would wake up to.”

Alastair slowly made his way over to where Rostam stood, though every step appeared to be agony. Rostam figured it couldn’t be comfortable walking around with a knife sticking out of your stomach. Than he said the last thing Rostam expected. “No.”

”What?”

He leaned down and cupped Rostam’s bloodied cheek. ”Rostam, let me tell you something. I ended my own life because I was tired. Not because I felt angry or sad but precisely because I hadn’t felt anything in so long. So until you feel like that, sorry, you’re not permitted to stay.”

“But I am tired,“ he murmured, refusing to meet his brother‘s eyes. “Tired of feeling all my emotions so strongly and intensely they leave me empty.”

Alastair let his arm fall limp. He stood carefully. Just when it looked like he had formulated a reply, Rostam awoke.

He was in the infirmary. Tessa, Will, The Merry Thieves, Cordelia, Maman, Risa and cousin Jem stood over him. The first thing he saw was his sister flinging herself into her husband’s arms and crying, “oh thank the Angel.”

Maman hunched over to kiss his forehead but he sprung up before she could do so. “No, no, no, no, no,” he found himself saying over and over again. But he couldn’t help it. Alastair was supposed to take away his pain, or at the very least give him knowledge on how to deal with it so he didn’t end up like him, utterly alone and miserable.

“What is it,” Maman asked worriedly, the wrinkles on her forehead increasing as she examined him with concern.

“I need to go back,” he said, and he didn’t care that he was shouting. “I can’t leave him alone again. We need each other. Please,” he begged to no one in particular, “let me go back.”

“Sweetie,” Tessa said, “you’re scaring us. Go back for who exactly?”

”Alastair! He’s trapped in Cordelia’s old bedroom in Cirenworth.“ Rostam vaguely realized the impact his words had on the others but he didn’t care, not when he needed to know what Alastair was going to tell him. “I need to go back to him!”

Maman climbed onto the infirmary bed and squeezed him against her chest. That was all it took for him to break down hysterically sobbing.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

@spooky-drusilla @writeordie-4 @melanielocke @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @hahahax30 @maxboythedog @noah-herondale-lightwood @obsessive-sapphic @yozinha-z @ddepressedbookworm @arangiajoan @shelvesofgold @hardlymatters @ithurielkeepsgettingkidnapped @book-dragon-not-worm

#might make a part 2 with tlh gang talking to cordelia’s old room bc they don’t fully believe rostam but they’re willing to try anything #wagner’s fic #alastair carstairs #rostam carstairs #cordelia carstairs #sona carstairs #risa #james herondale #matthew fairchild #charles (derogatory) #elias (derogatory) #thomas lightwood #christopher lighwood #the merry thieves #tmt #the last hours #tlh fanfiction #the last hours fanfiction #tlh

[the-redheaded-carstairs]

23rd December, 1905

Dâdâsh,

I have extremely exciting news! I have spoken with James and Lucie and we think it would be in everyone’s (my) best interest to have me join you in Persia by mid January next year. They definitely don’t appreciate me being 3000 miles away but I miss you and Rostam too much. Also it is getting a little tiring being the only Carstairs around. Everyone is doting on me as if I were pregnant WHICH I AM NOT. But there is a seemingly high demand for Carstairs’ in England and it is becoming increasingly exasperating, seeing as Thomas, too is deciding to spend a lot of time with me, to talk about you and I do not like seeing him make those eyes when he speaks about you...I now see how you feel about me and James. Anyhow, the purpose of this letter has been lost due to my rambling but I cannot say I’m sorry. I’ll see you soon!

Much love,

Layla

@the-other-carstairs

[alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer]

if this was a dream pt. 3

i want to apologize in advance because this is literally like 4 chapters in a trench coat... i'm serious chapter 1 was just over 1000 words and this is over 4000, I have no idea what happened. the reason I didn't break it up is because it is very alastair-centric. I promise next chapter we will get back to thomas and see how he's doing with the actual amnesia part of it all.

Part 1 | Part 2 | Fanfiction Masterlist | AO3

Alastair pulled his coat tightly around himself, trying to keep his breathing steady. The walk from the Institute to Cornwall Gardens was long, but it would give him far more time to clear his head than borrowing a carriage or hailing a hansom cab. He fell into the rhythm of his footsteps; this was familiar to him. He had spent more hours than he could count just walking and walking, trying to run from this life the universe had given him. 

Now, though, even his walking was infected by Thomas. 

Sometimes, I simply needed to get away from all of the hovering. There was this bit of forest near our house in Idris… it was nice, peaceful. The perfect escape, somewhere to wander until I was too spent to continue. Drove my parents a bit mad, but it was what I needed. 

Alastair told him about the woods around Cirenworth, how it was his escape, too. He’d memorized nearly every corner of that forest over the years. It was somewhere where he could pretend to be someone, anyone else. He could be no one, even. He’d left most of the details out, as he often did when discussing his childhood. He trusted Thomas completely, but there were some things he preferred to leave in the past. 

Now, his sleepless body ached against the increasing pace of his footsteps, pushing forward as if moving quickly enough could outrun the tears burning behind his eyes. He did not know if he could do this again. If Thomas never regained his memories, could Alastair convince him to forgive him again? Their original circumstances were quite peculiar. Could Alastair survive trying to gain his forgiveness again? 

He’d do anything for Thomas, he knew. He loved him, even if he’d never said it out loud. And as he said it now, even in the safety of his own mind, it felt far different than it ever did with Charles on the receiving end. With Charles, love felt strangling. It was shackles to his ankles and wrists, tying him to his misery. Looking back, it was not love at all. With Thomas, he felt free. Thomas made the impossible feel possible. 

It isn’t possible. It won’t ever be.

He heard his own words repeated back to him. He knew where this was headed from the start. This is how it all works out for Alastair Carstairs. He knew this time would be no different, even if he hoped it would. 

He loathed this feeling inside of him. He’d been doing well. He’d been happy. Now all he could think of were his own self-doubts, his own self-hatred, his age-old desire to run away to the farthest stretches of the Earth in the middle of the night, never to return. 

A better partner, a better person would not be so consumed in these thoughts as he was. A better partner would not be the recipient of such hatred from the man he loved at all, memories or not. A better partner would know what to do, how to ease the pain and anxiety that flooded Thomas’ eyes rather than exacerbate them. He was not better, however. He could never be what Thomas deserved. He knew it from the start, but it felt different, being thrown in his face now. 

Perhaps it would be better this way, he thought, for it to end like this. It was going to end eventually, as all things do. Perhaps this way would hurt Thomas less, even if Alastair would always wonder what could have happened if he’d tried a little harder, if he’d been a little less horrible, if he’d been a little bit stronger, a bit braver.

He was being ridiculous, he knew. Thomas merely needed time. He’d just woken up from his injury, six months displaced, no less. He was grieving his sister again, even more than before. Alastair wanted to ease Thomas’ pain, but he could not, and thus, Thomas needed time and space and he would give it to him. 

Before he realized it, he had returned to his home. He could not remember most of the walk, his feet guiding him through the city he now knew a bit too well as his mind wandered to a place he couldn’t quite reach with his consciousness. 

He slowly unlocked the door and sighed as he hung his coat. Cordelia started quickly down the stairs but froze as her expression fell when she saw the look on his face. 

Realizing what she must be thinking, Alastair quickly shook his head. “He’s alright. He woke up. He simply… appears to be missing about the past six months of memory.” 

Cordelia frowned, her face softening as she continued down the stairs and embraced her brother. “Oh, dâdash. Are you alright?” 

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be? Thomas is alive and awake. He just hates me.” 

She sighed. “He doesn’t hate you. I don’t think he ever truly did.” 

He shook his head. “He thinks he does. Or he wants to. What’s it matter?” 

“Take a seat, dâdash. We just made tea, I’ll bring some out.” Before he could protest, she left for the kitchen. 

He settled into one of the armchairs. When Cordelia returned, she took the one beside his and began to pour tea for each of them. “You two will work your way through this, you know. Whatever happens.” 

“How can you be so sure?” 

She rolled her eyes. “Are you joking? I don’t think I’ve ever met two people better matched. It’s as if you share the same soul or something.” 

He gritted his teeth. “Most would say we’re opposites.” 

“You act like opposites. Believe it or not, though, behaving grumpy or cheerful are not personality traits. In all the ways that matter, you’re two halves of one whole. It makes me utterly green with envy sometimes, seeing the two of you together, the way that you understand each other so completely. 

“I love James, of course, with my whole being. But if I’m being honest, for a long time I thought that the reason I liked him was because he reminded me of Father, all introverted and bookish and such. Now, I’m merely trying to decipher what was real and what was not, what parts of me are genuine and which ones are simply who I thought I needed to be to please him. James, too, is finding himself again after all that happened with Grace. Sometimes, it feels as though we’re two clueless children stumbling around with no sense of self, for some reason placed in this big house with adult responsibilities. It’s an utter mess sometimes, though every moment is worth it. 

“Yet you… somehow, despite everything, despite all of the odds stacked against you, despite so much pain and fear, you found yourself and your soulmate all in one person. It’s what you deserve, dâdash, what you both deserve. You will find a way.” 

He did not quite believe her, but he would not argue. 

“Are you going to be alright?” she asked, cocking her head. 

He nodded and then paused for a moment. “I don’t know how I’ll explain this to Mâmân.” Despite all the trouble it’s caused, she still did not know the truth about his time in school. 

“I could, if you’d like?” Cordelia offered. 

He sighed. He wanted to say yes. He wanted to keep the entire matter out of his own hands. He shook his head. “It’s time I did, I think.” 

She gave him a bit of a frown but nodded. “If you’re sure.” 

“I’m tired of lying. I spent enough time keeping secrets when Father was alive.” He stood from the chair. 

“I’m here if you need me.” 

He started up the staircase, mustering up a more positive expression as to not worry his mother too much before he could get the words out. He found her in her bedroom, resting in an armchair a few feet away from Rostam’s bassinet. He approached his baby brother first, giving him a small smile though he was fast asleep. It could have been his mind playing tricks on him, but he was certain Rostam was bigger than he’d been just a few days ago. 

“He just fell asleep,” his mother said softly. He turned to her. Her eyes looked tired, though no more tired than they had a few days earlier, and certainly no more tired than his own. “Come, azizam, what are you doing home? Did something happen?”

Alastair shook his head. “Thomas is awake; he’s alright.” 

“Why aren’t you with him?” she asked after a small stretch of silence. 

“He… He has amnesia. He doesn’t remember anything past last summer. It’s best if I keep my distance for a bit.” 

His mother gave him a small smile. “It’ll be okay, Alastair joon. He’ll understand given a bit of time.” 

Alastair didn’t look at her. “Maybe. I don’t know. He… he’s quite angry with me. The original circumstances under which he forgave me were fairly bizarre to begin with.” 

“Forgive you for what, dear? What could possibly be so terrible that he would not forgive you?” 

He sighed. He knew he could not avoid this conversation any longer. “I… It was something that happened at school.” He paused for a moment. “I know you think that I got on well with everyone at the Academy, but… That isn’t the truth. When I first arrived, all of the other boys could tell that I was an easy target. I was smaller than them, and… there were rumors. After a while, I just couldn’t bear it any longer. I… I was always quite good with words, as you know. I learned that using them to cut down others would get me a good laugh, and as long as the other boys were laughing they weren’t…” He trailed off. How was he meant to tell his mother this? “It took the attention off of me.” 

“By the time James and Thomas and their friends arrived the next year, I was so angry, at everyone and everything… I was so jealous of them. They had…” Picture perfect families, he wanted to say, though he could not. “They had these perfect lives, or at least they appeared that way to me. They never had to worry about attracting the wrong attention on the street or being humiliated because their families couldn’t afford to hire private tutors. They never had to worry about anything but growing up.” 

“Alastair…” his mother started. “I know we never discussed things of this nature. It’s alright that you were angry. They benefited from society in ways that rejected you merely by circumstances of birth. But that wasn’t their fault.” 

“I know. I know that now, now that I’m older. I know that my anger was misplaced. But when I was in school, society was too big. I only saw what was in front of me. I thought that if I must be cruel to someone, it should be to them. I said terrible, dreadful things about them and their families, things that should never be repeated. They did nothing to deserve the way I treated them. Thomas was kind to me, one of the only people who was ever kind to me in my two years there, and yet I still slandered his family. Last summer, he learned of the things I had said when he was not listening. That is what he remembers now.” 

There was a long stretch of silence. Alastair would not look his mother in the eyes. “I always knew that you had a hard time at school, Alastair,” she said finally. “Your lies were never too convincing. I could see how you’d changed. I… I didn’t know what to do. I’m sorry.” 

He knew it, too. He knew how his parents had spoken about him in those years, lamenting about what a miserable and difficult teenager he’d grown into when he and his sister were not in the room. He also knew how his father only ever seemed to care about Alastair’s destructive behavior when his mother began to pester him about his drinking. 

“It’s not your fault.” 

“The world was cruel to you, and I could not protect you from it, but I should have tried. You were a child, my child, I am your mother, and I was meant to protect you, but I did not. Not just from the world, but from… your father, I know. Be kind to yourself, azizam. Regardless of what cruel things you did while trying to balance the weight of the world on small shoulders, it seems to me that those you hurt have forgiven you. You simply have not forgiven yourself.” 

“Perhaps they shouldn’t have. Perhaps I never deserved their forgiveness in the first place.” 

Sona sighed. “Forgiveness is not deserved, Alastair. We forgive for our own wellbeing, so that we can let go and move on. If you will not fight for Thomas on your own behalf, fight on his. He deserves to forgive you, to heal from these wounds of the past. He deserves to be loved by you.” 

Alastair didn’t respond. 

“It pains me to see you like this. You deserve to forgive, too. You deserve to forgive yourself and all who have caused you pain. You deserve to be free of it. As long as you keep such a tight grip on it all, you will only continue to destroy yourself, and as long as you continue to destroy yourself, you will hurt those who love you as well. Please-” she cut herself off, her voice breaking. Her voice trembled as she began again, and he realized for a striking moment that he had never seen her this vulnerable before. He’d witnessed her pain after Elias’ death, and he’d caught glimpses of her sorrow before it, but she’d always kept her truest self tightly locked. “Please, my love, promise me that you’ll try. You can start with me.” 

He looked up at her abruptly, startled. He opened his mouth to protest, but before he could find the words, she’d stood and crossed the few feet between them. 

She took his hands in hers. Seeing the pain in her eyes, he wanted desperately to look away but he could not. “Please, forgive me. Forgive me for all of the ways that I’ve failed you. You were too young for the burdens I placed upon you. I never should have allowed you to take on that responsibility. Please, forgive me for all of the times I overlooked your pain because I was distracted by my own. I am so sorry, Alastair, for each and every time I hurt you and dismissed you. I did the best with what I had, but if I could go back in time and teach myself to be a little stronger, a little braver, to be a better mother than I was, I would do it in a heartbeat, but I can’t. All I can do is promise to try to be a better mother, not just to your brother, but to you as well. If it’s not too late.” Careful tears streamed down her cheeks, rare as they were. 

He shook his head, feeling his own tears spill. He fell into her embrace, holding her tightly, as he had not done since he was a small child. “I forgive you,” he said softly, and he meant it. 

They stood for a long while, holding each other, taking comfort in each other and the silence. Until Rostam began to cry. They pulled away from each other awkwardly. 

“I should… get some rest,” Alastair said, trying to pull himself together. He realized suddenly that he had no idea what time it was or when he’d last slept or eaten. 

Sona nodded. “Of course. I love you, Alastair. I’m so proud of the man you’ve become. I’m sorry that you and Thomas are struggling right now, but I know that you two are strong and resilient. With a bit of time and healing, this will pass.” 

He nodded, unable to respond without breaking down again. 

He returned to his bedroom to the sound of his mother soothing his newborn brother. Shutting his door behind him, he felt the exhaustion of the past several days settled deep into his bones. With heavy movements, he changed into clean clothes, leaving the old ones in a heap on the floor. Typically, he would be horrified at the thought of anything in his room so out of place, but he could not find the energy within himself to care.

He collapsed into his bed, drifting into a deep, dreamless sleep, repeating his mothers words back to himself in his mind. If only forgiving himself would come as easily as forgiving her. 

* * *

The next two days passed as a blur. He’d slept heavily the first night. Cordelia had reportedly attempted to wake him for dinner, but settled on bringing a bit of food to his bedroom instead. 

The next day passed a bit more normally, though Alastair still felt quite scattered. He’d appeared well-enough put together, however, for Cordelia to feel comfortable going home, so he supposed that was a good sign. Kamala had come for a visit, too, though he wasn’t much in the mood for talking, and they wound up just giving Rostam a bath and discussing Kamala’s latest read. 

The day after that had slowly begun to feel more normal, more balanced. Until Gideon Lightwood arrived at his door. 

Alastair stared at him for a moment before regaining his composure. He began to call him Mr. Lightwood before stopping himself. It still felt a bit odd to call him by his given name. “Gideon, hello. What are you doing here? Did something happen?” 

“No, no,” he said quickly. “Everything’s fine. Thomas is doing well; he’s feeling much better, though no significant improvements to his memory.” 

Alastair nodded. “That’s good. That he’s feeling better, I mean.” 

“I came here to check on you, actually.” 

“Oh.” He paused. “You didn’t need to do that.” 

“I wanted to. Well, we all did, Sophie, Eugenia, and I, but I was the most persuasive.” He smiled as he spoke, as if smug at the accomplishment of being delegated the one to come visit him. 

“Right, er, come in,” he gestured for Gideon to enter and take a seat in the sitting room. “You’re in luck; my mother just made tea if you’d like some.” 

He nodded. “That sounds wonderful. Thank you.” 

Alastair returned a few moments later and began pouring tea. “It was very kind of you to come, but I’m truly alright. Just worried about Thomas is all.” 

Gideon nodded. “Of course. As I said, he’s doing well, or as well as can be expected under the circumstances. I know it is difficult for him, feeling so disconnected. Regardless of the brave face he puts on. It’s frustrating for him, as if we’ve all got some sort of inside joke that he isn’t in on.” 

He could imagine it: the quick glances, the brief answers to Thomas’ many questions. He was certain it was driving him mad. “I wish there was something I could do to help.” 

Gideon gave him a small smile. “Because he’s feeling better, his friends are coming by today to attempt to fill him in on the time that he’s missing. I’m certain there will be gaps, though. Perhaps afterwards he will be more open to speaking with you.” 

Alastair didn’t know how to tell him that he wasn’t so sure Thomas’ friends would be singing his praises. 

“You should stop by the Institute tomorrow if you’re free,” Gideon offered. 

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea.” 

“It’s up to Thomas, of course, if he would like to see you, but if nothing else I know that Sophie and Eugenia would love for you to come by.” 

Alastair didn’t respond for a long moment. He’d spent these past couple of days mainly sleeping and caring for his brother, but also ruminating over his conversation with his mother. He began to make a mental list, both of the things he felt he had not forgiven himself for and the things he had not forgiven others for. Before he knew it, the list was distressingly lengthy. He had no idea where to even begin. Perhaps if he could put this one mistake behind him, whatever that meant, the rest would seem less overwhelming. 

He knew that he would never forgive himself for how he hurt Thomas’ family as long as the terrible things he’d done went unspoken. Perhaps that was why he never brought it up. “Did Thomas ever tell you why he was angry with me?” 

Gideon narrowed his eyes and shook his head. “Something that happened back at school, wasn’t it?” 

Alastair nodded. He memorized the way Gideon looked at him now, prepared to only be looked upon with hatred in a few moments. He exhaled and looked down, too cowardly to watch the expression change. “I said things… horrible things about your family. About your wife and about Thomas and about Henry Fairchild, but mainly about you, the Consul, and Matthew. There were rumours going around that he was your child, and I repeated them to him. I repeated them after, too. I have reasons for the way I behaved at school, but I have no reasons for that. I was simply angry. Matthew and I were both terrible to each other, and I was so angry for so many reasons. I did not think of the consequences of my words. I am so, so sorry. I am so sorry for the role I played in causing your family such pain.” 

“It’s okay,” Gideon replied gently. Alastair looked up in surprise to see not a hint of the hatred he was expecting. Seeing the confused look on his face, he continued. “Obviously, I’m not happy that you said cruel things about my loved ones, but it was a long time ago, and I would be a hypocrite to not recognize a man who regrets his mistakes and has learned from them. You make my son happy, Alastair. That more than makes up for anything you might’ve said when you were younger, in my eyes.” He flashed him a smile and gave an exaggerated sigh. “Here I was, worried that you’d killed someone or something.” 

“Well, I’ve also done that, but it’s not what Thomas is angry about.” 

Gideon stared at him, clearly unsure over whether or not he was serious. 

“Joking,” he said quickly. “...kind of.” 

He looked back at him hesitantly. “Do you… want to talk about it?” 

“Ha, no. Not today.” His guilt surrounding the deaths of Clive Cartwright and his father would need to be addressed another time. 

“Right,” Gideon responded. “Thank you for telling me this, Alastair. I appreciate your honesty. I only have one question, why did you not say anything about this before? It was clearly bothering you. Did you fear we would reject you?” 

“I…” That seemed like the logical answer, wasn’t it? Yet he knew it was not the correct one. “I think that perhaps it was the opposite. I was just so ashamed… and I knew that as long as I held on to that, I would never allow myself to truly get too close. I know how horrible that sounds, and I know it hurt Thomas, too, but for some reason that,” he gestured vaguely with his hands, “was scarier than anything else. I’m sorry, I know that doesn’t make sense-” 

“It does. I understand, Alastair, even if I don’t like that you felt you had to do that. I know the past couple of months have been complicated for you, though in many ways less complicated than the years before. It will always be your choice, but know that there will always be a place for you in my life, whether you and Thomas are together or not. But I will not ever blame you for anything you feel you are not able to do.”

Alastair nodded, feeling a soreness at the back of this throat that indicated impending tears. 

“You should stop by tomorrow and visit us. It’s up to you, but I think that it would be helpful for you to speak with Sophie, too. I will not repeat anything to her, lest you decide not to. I do think it would be somewhat of a relief, though. We thought that the reason you were so distant was because you disliked us.” 

“What?” He silently cursed the pain in his voice. 

“Joking,” Gideon teased with a chuckle. “Kind of.” 

Alastair exhaled, feeling a bit of the tension release, and gave him half of an eye roll. 

“Please, tell me honestly, Alastair, are you doing alright?” 

He nodded in response, finally feeling it to be true. 

“I shall take my leave then. The tea was truly lovely, by the way. You must pass my thanks unto your mother.” 

“I will.” 

“See you tomorrow, then?” 

“Tomorrow,” Alastair responded before he could stop himself. He stood to see him out, but was surprised when Gideon met him with a hug goodbye. 

“Thank you for chatting with me.” 

“Thank you for… checking in.” 

Gideon smiled at him and donned his coat and hat. Alastair watched him as he departed, feeling more at peace now than he had in quite a while.

thanks so much for reading! taglist (reply, ask, or message to be added/removed): @stxr-thxif @satanisanauthor @zosiaenrique @lifewouldbebetteronmars @littlx-songbxrd @dianasarrow @kamalajcshi @bookswitchcraftandcats @jamesherondaleofficial @thomas-gaypanic-lightwood @livingformyself @anarmorofwords @foxglove-airmid

#if this was a dream fic #alastair carstairs #thomas lightwood #thomastair #tlh #the last hours #fanfiction #fanfic #chain of iron spoilers #chain of iron #coi spoilers #coi

[therend]

Hi! Two things: firstly, I read and saved your awesome posts about Farsi endearments, thank you so much for those they were so informative and awesome!! Secondly, I was just curious if there were any names you particularly like (in general) ? Or like headcanons for the newest Carstairs baby’s name? I ask because I’m writing an AU fic centered around Alastair and Cordelia when they have more siblings, and I have too many awesome options for potential names. Like damn linguistics is beautiful haha. thank you for sharing any knowledge or input!! Have a wonderful day😊🥰❤️

Hi! thank you for your ask, you don't understand the amount of happiness it gave me. And sorry for how terribly long it took me to answer, my exams just finished and now I'm finally back to Tumblr after a long time because school sucks.

When talking about what to call a new baby, there are not only lots of different names, but different categories to choose from, and everyone has their preferences. I would name my child something related to nature (i have reblogged an amazing post about nature names with an additional long list of Persian nature names. You can check it out here, if you want.) or a name rooted in the poems of people in love, like my own name – Negar. But well, we're not talking about my choice of name, but Sona's.

We already know her taste in names. All their Persian names – Sona's, Cordelia's and Alastair's – are rooted in Shāhnāme (or The Book of Kings), which as you might know, is a long epic, and the most important source of Persian mythology. Turan is a very important land in the book (It's weird that it's actually a name but it is. I don't know why anyone would name their child or their character Turan though. Uh.) The word Katāyoun means "the queen of the world", and in Shāhnāme Katāyoun was this very wise and cool and independent queen of Persia, and she was also the mother of Esfandiār (which, as a word, means "pure creation"), a clever and hot warriors prince with daddy issues. All their names being from that book makes a lot of sense, because look at this:

In Shāhnāme, Rostam is known as the most legendary hero of – well, the world. He is wise and strong and brave, and a great warrior, and a smart strategist and a really high functioning leader. He's kind and caring and soft-hearted and patient too, when he needs to be. He's also a very sarcastic bitch, and a dumbass (though I'm the only one you'd hear this from). when talking about Persian heroes, Rostam is the first who comes to mind. He's mostly praised for being a genuinely good person, having morals, not fighting against people weaker than him and stuff like that. Rostam is basically the heart of Shāhnāme and If Sona is a descendant of him, it's understandable that she's proud of it and wants to name her children things to show their heritage.

So, here are some names from Shāhnāme (i will put a * after the ones i particularly like slkaka). i will not be telling their story, because it will make the post unnecessarily long. Just what they were famous for and their personalities.

Rostam. Well, you know this one. No one actually names their child Rostam now, but i think it used to be pretty common back in the early 20th century. The word means tall and handsome (:|).

Tahmine. The word means brave and strong. She was a princess, beautiful as a feary, and Ferdowsi (the guy who wrote Shāhnāme) says that she had a lot of knowledge on every subject that was there. She was Rostam's wife.

Sohrāb*. He is Rostam and Tahmine's only child, and has his parents' traits; so he's admired and respected by everyone. His name means young and healthy and rosy-cheeked (these names have weird meanings It's not my fault). His life was kind of a tragedy, though.

Gordāfarid*. She is just. Chef's kiss. I love her so much and she's my wife. Her name means hero or something and she's this badass warrior with long black hair and a will of iron, and when none of the men of her army had the courage to face Sohrāb, she was the only one who volunteered to fight him and he actually considered her a challenge.

Ārash*. He's another one of my favorites. He was a legendary archer who put his life in an arrow to end a war and give back his nation's dignity and sense of home. He died a hero after shooting that arrow. His name, which is a pretty common name, means glamorous.

Homā*. Another favorite. her name means blessed, and she was a monarch, who ruled Persia for 32 years of happiness and peace for all the people. And Ferdowsi describes her as an artist, and a very wise and knowledgeable person (also very beautiful because this man can't write anyone ugly).

Bijan. Some young, rebellious and adventurous boy. His name means pure, and the story of him and Manije is one of the most important love stories of Shāhnāme.

Manije. The name means beautiful and modest. her personality is kind of similar to Shakespeare's Juliet. she's fine.

Siāvash*. The name means someone with curly black hair, or someone who has a black horse. This is Rostam's adoptive son who he loved with his whole being. He raised him away from the shittiness of the palace (Siāvash was a prince) and he taught him everything he knew; and he became handsome young man with a vast knowledge of things, a good heart and good personality, and Rostam's fighting skills. He is a symbol of innocence and virtue because he was falsely accused of sexual assault, and he was forced to walk through actual fire and step out of it unharmed to prove he hasn't done wrong – by his own father. It's mythology, so he did, in fact, walk through big fires and didn't burn.

Poorān*. Another cool female monarch who bought piece and happiness to the land with her work of wisdom. Fun thing about her is that she did exist outside of Shāhnāme and ruled Persia for a period of time (her name is written as Buran or Boran though).

#persian

[melanielocke]

Alastember - day 15 - siblings headcanons

The baby will be called Rostam. This was already the fandom decided name, but the first chapter of the ChoT excerpt has Cordelia describing herself as having Rostam's blood, so I think it makes even more sense if Sona believes she's a descendant of Rostam

Personality wise, Rostam is as smart as Alastair but also a little more outgoing and adventurous like Cordelia. With those two combined, he can be a nightmare because he's always looking to try new things and is also smart enough to figure out how to get in trouble. In modern AUs he likes playing video games and is also pretty good at hacking the parental controls Sona puts on his consoles

Alastair knows about Rostam hacking the parental controls. At first he tries to help Sona figure out something he can't hack but he's given up by now and accepted that Rostam is better with computers than them

Rostam looks up to Alastair and Cordelia a lot, and wants to be a hero like Cordelia someday. Alastair and Cordelia decide that he will have Cortana when he's old enough for it

Alastair often takes Rostam on fun activities, usually alongside Thomas or Kamala since they both love children. Think things like going to the zoo, playgrounds, I'm not actually sure what kind of things were common for children in the Edwardian era

Cordelia and Lucie do the same, and Cordelia likes to compete for who is a more fun older sibling, she or Alastair.

Except when asked, Rostam will say Thomas is the most fun.

@alastair-appreciation-month

Taglist: @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @life-through-the-eyes-of @styxdrawings @justanormaldemon @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised @amchara @all-for-the-fanfiction @imsoftforthomastair @ddepressedbookworm @queenlilith43 @wagner-fell @cant-think-of-anything @laylax13s @tessherongraystairs @boredfangirl16 @artist-in-soul @broodyhawthorne

#Alastember 2022 #headcanons #carstairs siblings #Alastair Carstairs #Cordelia Carstairs #Rostam Carstairs

[melanielocke]

The Stars Collide - Chapter 32

In which you learn a little more about Grace' past. I'm planning to spread out more of her past over the next Alastair POV chapters (chapter 33 is Thomas POV)

Grace Blackthorn seemed upset when Alastair was brought before her, though she concealed it well. He wished he knew more about her. He knew better than to ask though, and instead did nothing as she put the electrodes on his head and continued with her experimentation. Alastair wondered what had brought her here. She’d told him the story of her home planet being conquered, was any of it true?

‘Will you at least tell me what you’re doing?’ Alastair asked.

‘While dangerous, transferring your power to another individual is the only way to keep spreading it,’ Grace said. ‘They want me to try again. Don’t worry, you won’t lose any power. Those born with power will never lose it.’

Alastair stared at Grace. Her statement implied there were people with power who weren’t born that way. Alastair had never heard of such a thing, and it was what Grace was trying to do. Had it been done before?

‘It killed Charles,’ Alastair said. ‘It will kill again.’

‘Perhaps.’ Grace sounded sad. ‘But that’s a sacrifice they are willing to make.’

Something about the way she said that made Alastair suspect she did not agree. But she was cooperating anyway. Not that Alastair was one to talk. He knew what it was like to be manipulated, forced into doing things you didn’t want. Was Grace in such a situation?  

‘And it’s why they took Rostam.’ Alastair smiled bitterly. ‘You think that if you threaten a child, I won’t work against you.’

‘You did kill Charles purposefully,’ Grace said.

‘You’re all monsters,’ Alastair said. ‘Kidnapping a child to get me to comply.’

Grace turned to face him. ‘You think I don’t know that?’

Grace asked a guard to return him to his prison cell, leaving him there to think about what had just happened. Was it guilt he’d seen on Grace’ face? Had she not been the one to order Rostam’s kidnapping? There was something there, Alastair was sure of it. And Grace had enhanced his power as far as it could go, he could move into other people’s minds undetected. Perhaps next time the scientist had need of him he should go take a look.

He was helpless here, absolutely helpless, and no one was coming for him. He had no clue where he was, so how would Thomas or Cordelia ever find him? Thinking about Thomas was like a knife in his chest, would they ever see each other again? He’d waited so long to be loved like that, to finally be free and safe. Now he was trapped yet again, entered another nightmare.

He stared out of the windows with little else to do, looking out into the ocean. In the distance he thought he could see something that looked like a whale. Would the lab break, if the whale swam too close? Would water come gushing in and take him to his death? It could not be an escape, Alastair could barely see the surface from here and he doubted he would make it if he swam for it. And it had been so cold when they’d landed. It was still cold in here, Alastair was wrapped in the blanket he slept under and still he was shivering. He kept himself occupied with old memories. Going through books he’d recently read, and when he needed comfort the most he sought out Thomas.

They brought him food twice a day. It wasn’t much, and it wasn’t any good. If he stayed here for long he’d soon lose any weight he’d gained while married to Thomas. Grace did not have need of him every day, it seemed, though there was one other scientist running some kind of side experiment which Alastair didn’t really understand the purpose of, but he required the occasional reading too.

The next time he was brought into the same room as Grace Blackthorn, Alastair sat down in the machine’s chair without hesitation. Grace looked tired. There were circles around her grey eyes, and her blonde hair was falling out of its messy bun. She had worn a lab coat before, but she was wearing a wool coat now, and still she was shivering. Alastair was too, he didn’t remember it being so cold in the other lab. It likely had to do with location, the Fairy Islands area had a warm sea current.

He went into Grace’ mind the moment he saw the chance. He couldn’t be gone for long or she’d notice something was up, he only had so long to find something useful. So he searched by emotion, he searched a memory that was painful. It was awfully invasive, but Alastair would do what he had to. His best chance was to work at people’s memories, alter them where necessary, and for that he needed to understand their contents first.

He landed in a memory of Grace being inside a classroom of a primary school. She had to be around eight years old, and the teacher was handing out corrected work. It was in a language he didn’t recognize, but from the marks the teacher had made and Grace’ reaction, it must have been a good score. She stared out of the window for most of the school day, long finished with all her schoolwork and bored out of her mind. It was not unlike Alastair’s own primary school days. Where had this been? The classroom was not so different from what he was used to, all children seated in pairs behind desks.

At some point, the teacher received a phone call, worry written all over her face. Then an alarm sounded through the school, followed by a voice speaking in a language he didn’t recognize. It was difficult to follow along.

Alastair skipped along the classroom, not much else happened. The children distracted themselves, likely speculated about what might be going on. Then, they started hearing blasts in the distance. Fireworks, or explosions. Some of the children started crying. Not Grace though. She kept to a corner of the classroom, by herself, nose stuck in a book.

Grace had understood what was happening, it had been a threat hanging in the air for a long time by then. The treaty between the planet and the Raziel Empire had not been extended due to a clerical error. While many considered Raziel the protectors of the universe, it was malicious how easily they left planets behind. Alastair had never quite understood why they let go of treaties so easily. What did they have to gain from watching Edom take over another planet? Grace’ planet had been trying in vain to negotiate a new treaty, and now Edom had come. It had only been a matter of time.

By the time the children were let out of the classroom, the planet’s Queen had surrendered to the empire, and a news broadcast showed that she had been executed. They would be living under Edom’s rule from now on, and the children all waited outside the school for their parents to come pick them up.

One by one, parents showed up. Alastair didn’t know how many of them had survived, how many might have lost a single parent and were taken home by the remaining one. Many were crying, many were in a shock, and took their children in their arms like they’d been scared to death.

In the end, only a few children remained, Grace among them. Her teacher knelt down in front of her. Alastair had to do something about the language problem, but he had access to Grace’ thoughts at the time too, thoughts he understood no matter the language.

‘Grace, we do not yet know what happened to your parents,’ she said. ‘They are missing, and we cannot wait for them much longer. These people are going to take care of you until we know what happened, alright?’

He did not understand the teacher’s own words, exactly, but through Grace’ mind he managed to extract a translation. He’d never been inside the memory of someone who didn’t speak Turanian or Fair before, he had no idea this was a possibility. Interesting.

Alastair exited Grace’ memory, he was back in the lab and the chair with Grace there. How long had he been inside her memory?

‘You were using your power, weren’t you?’ Grace asked with a raised eyebrow. ‘I’ve never gotten a reading quite like this.’

‘Excuse me for not wanting to live through this again,’ Alastair said. ‘Good memories are my one comfort now.’

‘I want you to do it again,’ Grace said. ‘You affect the machine differently when you’re using it, and I want to do more readings.’

Alastair didn’t know if she suspected he’d been inside her mind. He knew now her story of her planet being conquered by Edom was true, and she’d lost her parents in the siege. Perhaps he could use that somehow.

He took the opportunity Grace had granted him with and went back into her mind. He needed to know what had happened next, and he landed in a memory not long after the first. Grace was in a living room filled with old and broken toys, and many other children fighting over them. Everything looked old and in need of repair, there were cracks in the wall. There was one adult woman in the room, trying to keep order.

Then another pair entered, a woman dressed like the first one, likely another child carer at what Alastair presumed was an orphanage. The second was Tatiana Blackthorn, wearing an expensive dark green dress underneath a short coat and the most ridiculous hat he had ever seen. It had a stuffed bird on top, was this attire fashionable in the Edom Empire? Tatiana looked older than in the portrait, but younger than the time he’d seen her. She had visited the lab in Fair once to discuss politics with Charles, but he had not been present for the discussion. He didn’t know what exactly Charles’ alliance with Edom had been.

Tatiana looked around the orphanage’s playroom for a few moments before settling her gaze on Grace.

‘I’ve always wanted a daughter,’ Grace overheard Tatiana say. ‘But my dear husband died many years ago, and I have not remarried. I want nothing more than to provide one of these poor children with a home.’

But Tatiana had been with Edom, hadn’t she? Taking in one of the children her empire had orphaned. And Grace had still been so young. Alastair had to stop himself, he couldn’t start feeling sorry for the person who had kidnapped him. It was enough to acknowledge her past was messed up, and Alastair needed to know her secrets to escape. He couldn’t save her.

Grace ran a few more tests, and then had the guard bring him back to his room. He wasn’t alone there now. On the child sized bed was a little boy of about five years old. He had thick dark locks and a brown skin a shade lighter than Alastair’s and was wearing a green sweater over brown trousers. He looked up with wide eyes as Alastair entered.

‘Alastair?’ the boy asked softly.

‘It’s me,’ Alastair said. ‘I’m so sorry, Rostam.’

‘Where am I? Why did these people take me?’

‘It’s all my fault,’ Alastair said, sitting down on the bed next to Rostam. ‘I have a power. My memory is magic, and these people want to experiment on me. They kidnapped you to get to me.’

‘I don’t get it,’ Rostam said softly, wiping tears from his eyes.

‘I know,’ Alastair said. ‘Maman has to be so worried about you.’

‘Do you know where she is?’

‘Still home on Turan, I assume. She must be looking everywhere for you, but she’d never guess you’re here. Of course, now that I’m missing too people might make the connection.’

‘Is Maman going to find us?’

‘I don’t know, moosh moosh-am,’ Alastair said. ‘I’m sure they’re all looking for us. Cordelia, Thomas.’

‘Who’s Thomas?’

‘My husband,’ Alastair said. ‘I’ll introduce you to him when we get out of here, I’m sure he’d love to meet you too.’

He had introduced Thomas to Sona through online calling, but not yet with Rostam there, Alastair didn’t want to overwhelm him with too many faces and Alastair had not actually met Rostam in person yet until now.

‘It’s so cold in here,’ Rostam said.

‘It is,’ Alastair said. ‘There aren’t a lot of blankets.’

Alastair decided he’d have to suffer the cold, and instead wrapped Rostam into all the blankets. Rostam was smaller and therefore needed the heat more. There was a backpack on Rostam’s bed, and Alastair decided to look through it.

‘Hey, that’s mine!’ Rostam yelled when Alastair opened it.

‘Just looking if there’s something in here that can help us,’ Alastair said.

There were several pencils in different colors, a notebook on which Rostam had been practicing his writing. His name was spelled there several time in different colors, along with some short sentences.

There was a book about penguins, which Alastair thought was unusual to bring to school, alongside a plush penguin. Rostam put his hands out once Alastair picked up the penguin, gesturing that he wanted it, and Alastair gave him the penguin.

‘Who is this?’

‘This is Soroush,’ Rostam said. ‘I brought him to school because I was going to do a presentation on penguins. But now I can’t.’

Alastair frowned. ‘You’re doing presentations already?’

‘I wanted to do one,’ Rostam said. ‘I’d read this book about penguins and I wanted to explain it all. Maman helped me pick out what I wanted to tell.’

‘You like penguins, don’t you?’

Rostam nodded. If only Alastair could tell him more about the Fairy penguins, if only he hadn’t gone home without going to see them. Alastair guessed they would have kidnapped him either way the moment anyone had caught him alone. There was nothing anyone could have done once Rostam was taken. Alastair would never let anything happened to his little brother.

‘There aren’t a lot of penguins on Turan,’ Alastair said.

There was one sea in which penguins fished and a couple of beaches where they lived, but they were rare. Penguins were far more common on the Fair Planet. Perhaps Alastair could go back to the Fairy Islands with Rostam once they were free and show him the penguins there. But they’d have to find a way out of here first.

‘Maybe there are penguins here in the sea too,’ Rostam said.  

‘Maybe,’ Alastair said. ‘We are on the Fair Planet after all. You know, I did see a Fairy Penguin from the submarine just a few days ago. Do you want to see?’

‘Really? Do you have a picture?’

‘Better. I can show you my memory.’

@alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @life-through-the-eyes-of @astriefer @justanormaldemon @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised @amchara @all-for-the-fanfiction @imsoftforthomastair @ddepressedbookworm @queenlilith43 @wagner-fell @cant-think-of-anything @laylax13s @tessherongraystairs @boredfangirl16 @artist-in-soul @bottomdelioncourt @ikissedsmithparker

#Alastair Carstairs #Grace Blackthorn #Rostam Carstairs #the stars collide #the last hours #tlh #fanfiction

[melanielocke]

The Stars Collide - Chapter 5

In which Alastair calls his mother AO3 | Chapter list

It took Alastair a couple of tries to figure out how Thomas’ computer worked, but he managed to place a call to his mother. It should be early evening for her now if he had calculated her time zone correctly, and he hoped she would be home.

At first, she picked up with sound only.

‘Sona Turan,’ she said.

‘Maman, it’s Alastair,’ he said softly. ‘Is now a good time?’

‘Alastair… Yes, of course, azizam. Give me a moment,’ his mother said and a few moments later she had turned on her camera and was sitting at what looked like the kitchen table.

‘How are you, joon-am?’ his mother asked. ‘It’s been so long. Why didn’t you call?’

‘I’m sorry, Maman,’ Alastair said. ‘I missed you too, but I couldn’t call anyone on Turan. They were worried about a security risk. It won’t be a problem anymore, now that Charles is gone.’

He wiped some tears from his eyes. He still couldn’t quite believe Charles was dead.  

‘I heard you got married again,’ his mother said. ‘I would have come, but I couldn’t find someone to watch Rostam for over a week on such a short notice.’

‘I had to, for the treaty,’ Alastair said. ‘You didn’t have to come, Cordelia was there.’

‘What is he like? Is he kind to you?’

Alastair considered for a moment. ‘I guess he is kind. I just don’t know him very well yet.’

He didn’t know what to make of Thomas, how long he was going to keep this up. Thomas clearly hated being married to him, he was only kind because he was gentlemanly enough not to show how much he hated him. Alastair wasn’t sure how long he was going to last like this. Sooner or later, Thomas would grow frustrated. Alastair just wasn’t very likeable or easy to get along with, nor was he charming. At least with Charles he’d known Charles found him desirable.

‘And Charles? I’m so sorry you lost your husband, azizam. I know how difficult that is.’

Alastair guessed his mother did know. She had lost Theodore Verlac before Alastair had been born. Her first husband had died under mysterious circumstances and considering Sona worked with medicinal plants, people had started blaming her for his death. She’d remarried his father and he’d died a couple of years ago too. He didn’t know about Theodore, but his father had hardly been a good partner to her. Nor a good father to him and Cordelia. Drunk more often than not, Alastair imagined little Rostam would be better off growing up without him.

‘It was,’ Alastair said. ‘I miss him every day. But I have the time and space to grieve and I think I’m going to be okay.’

He wasn’t so sure if that was true, but he didn’t want to worry his mother.

‘I hope so. Do you have any plans to visit Turan? A honeymoon perhaps? Rostam has been asking about you more often lately and he’s too young to travel off planet.’

‘I didn’t know about Rostam,’ Alastair said. ‘Cordelia told me he was born after I left. Would it be okay if I talked to him?’

‘I think he’d love nothing more.’

His mother called for Rostam across the room and a few moments later a little boy climbed into her lap, staring at the computer screen. He looked like their mother with his brown skin and dark eyes. 

‘Who are you?’ Rostam asked.

‘I’m Alastair. I’m your brother.’

Rostam’s eyes went wide. ‘You’re Alastair? Where are you? Are you going to come home?’

‘Perhaps I’ll come visit someday,’ Alastair said. ‘I live on the Fair Planet now. It’s nice here, perhaps you can travel here when you’re older.’

‘You have to come visit! Maman says I’m not old enough to fly. But that’s stupid. I can read whole books already. Why not fly?’

‘Wow, then you must be really smart,’ Alastair said.

At five, he guessed the average child had not yet learnt how to read, but Alastair had been very early with that himself too. Perhaps Rostam was like him in that regard.

‘And I can write too!’

Rostam jumped down and disappeared from view. A few moments later, he emerged again, holding a piece of paper and shoving it in front of the screen. It was difficult to read, but Rostam had written down a couple of sentences.

‘That’s amazing, Rostam,’ Alastair said. ‘I hope I can see it for real sometime. Are you going to school?’

‘Yes. But it’s boring sometimes. Next year, I’m going to group 3 and then we’ll start learning things!’

‘You won’t have as much time to play anymore,’ Alastair said.

‘I know,’ Rostam said. ‘But I want to learn too.’

If Rostam was anything like him, he was going to very disappointed with how much he got to learn in group 3 of primary school, but hopefully Sona wouldn’t let him grow bored. She was far cleverer than people gave her credit for and when Alastair had been little she had designed all kinds of puzzles and challenges for him to keep his mind occupied.

He spent over an hour talking to his mother and Rostam. There was much he couldn’t say and he remained vague about his marriage with Charles. They wouldn’t understand. He told Rostam all he wanted to know about the Fair Planet, and he had so many questions. Why had he not tried harder to keep in touch with his family? Perhaps Charles just hadn’t understood how important they were to him, but it was his fault for not fighting harder, for giving up so easily.

‘When are you coming here, Alastair?’ Rostam asked.

‘I don’t know yet, azizam,’ Alastair said. ‘I’ll have to discuss with my husband, Thomas. But maybe we can schedule another call sometime. I’d love to see more of your writing.’

‘It’s bed time for Rostam,’ his mother said. ‘But if you wait a moment, I’d like to talk to you some more after.’

‘Yes, of course,’ Alastair said.

Rostam began to protest. ‘Already? But I want to talk to Alastair. I have more questions.’

‘Another time, moosh moosh-am,’ his mother said. ‘You have school tomorrow.’

His mother and Rostam disappeared from view and Alastair went looking for something to eat in the meantime. He found some of Thomas’ pancakes in the fridge and was surprised to find they were delicious. Thomas really was a good cook. He resisted the urge to smoke another cigarette and focused on the pancakes instead. Thomas had every right to set boundaries when it came to smoking. Truth to be told, it was gross. Alastair had felt the same way when he had started. Charles had always been a chain smoker and so Alastair had started himself not long after getting married. It was the only way to make living with a smoker bearable and at some point he’d smoked up to twenty cigarettes a day. It might very well be what had killed Charles.

When he returned to the computer, his mother sat down behind the screen again as well.

‘Sorry for the wait, Rostam can be difficult to get in bed,’ his mother said.

‘That’s okay,’ Alastair said.

‘I just wanted to say that I’m sorry for everything that happened with your father,’ Sona said. ‘I’ve been seeing a therapist after Elias died and I realized I never should have put so much on your shoulders. I’m so sorry for not protecting you better. And when you stopped talking to me, I thought maybe you were angry over that.’

‘I wasn’t,’ Alastair said. ‘I’ve only ever blamed him for his behavior. I didn’t call because I wasn’t allowed to, not because I didn’t want to.’

‘Okay. I’m glad I can speak to you again. But I’m worried for you too. I know how what your father did affected you, and I know you don’t like to talk about it. I told myself you were happy, building a new life for yourself on a new planet with a husband… Seeing a therapist helped me, perhaps it could help you too.’

Alastair smiled weakly. ‘Thanks for the advice. But I’m fine. It’s been so long since I left, I rarely think of father anymore.’

It was a lie, while Charles might be more common in his dreams, his father never quite disappeared from his mind either. But he didn’t want his mother to worry.

Thomas came home after another hour, which Alastair spent reading and occasionally pacing, trying to stop himself from going out to smoke. Cordelia followed Thomas inside. She had a bruise on her cheek, and Alastair got up immediately.

‘What happened?’ he asked her.

‘It’s nothing,’ Cordelia said. ‘We were sparring, it was just an accident, I’m fine.’

Alastair looked at Thomas. ‘You did this?’

‘I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to.’

‘You hit her in the face,’ Alastair snapped. ‘You expect me to believe that’s an accident? What’s wrong with you?’

He cursed himself for losing his temper already, but this was his little sister.

‘Alastair, stop! I’m fine,’ Cordelia said. ‘It barely hurts anymore. Honestly, this is not the first time I’ve gotten bruised from doing martial arts.’

Alastair took a deep breath in. Cordelia was right, he needed to stay calm.  

Alastair used to do martial arts too. He hadn’t gone to any training since he’d gotten here, he wasn’t sure if it was still for him, but perhaps he could give it a try again someday. The problem was, he didn’t like hurting people. And he had. He would never stop hating himself for that.

‘You don’t usually get them in your face, right?’

‘We’re supposed to avoid that,’ Cordelia said. ‘But I’m not used to gravity here and Thomas uses a different style. He miscalculated where I’d be. It’s not a big deal, except maybe that I look ridiculous.’

‘Come,’ Alastair said. ‘I haven’t unpacked everything yet, but I can help cover it up.’

Alastair took his sister into the bathroom and started unpacking his make up. He didn’t often wear make up in public, but he liked to experiment from time to time and he owned a lot of skin make up in particular. His skin tone varied based on the season and how much time he spent in the sun and so he had some range in his shades.

He took out a couple of foundations and tried to match one to Cordelia’s skin. She was a little darker than him, the sun on Turan shone brighter than it did here and she had tanned more than him. He applied a thick cover of foundation first, using a brush to spread it out and blend it into her skin. The tone matched rather well, but some of the bruise still shone through, and he used some green concealer to camouflage the redness.

Alastair was intimately familiar with the color patterns of bruises, and what color concealer he could blend onto skin to cover it up depending on the day. Green concealer typically worked well with early red bruises.

‘That’s better,’ Alastair said and Cordelia looked into the mirror.

‘How do you know to do this?’ she demanded.

‘It’s not so difficult,’ Alastair said. ‘There’s lots of tutorials online on how to cover up bruises. You can have this bottle of foundation, it’s not the right shade for me right now anyway.’

‘Alastair, you know you can talk to me, right?’ Cordelia said.

‘I’m fine, Cordelia,’ Alastair said.  

Cordelia nodded. ‘Anyway, I’m glad you’re with Thomas now. He seems like a sweet guy.’

‘Was that before or after he hit you in the face?’ Alastair inquired.

‘Both. Please don’t be mad at him. It’s not his fault, it was my idea to spar,’ Cordelia said. ‘I wanted to see what kind of fighter your husband is. And he immediately got me some ice to put on it. He’s a pretty good fighter, by the way, very strong on defense. Different style than we learnt, I think that’s why it went wrong. Just talk to him, okay? He’s really sorry.’

Taglist: @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @life-through-the-eyes-of @styxdrawings @justanormaldemon @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised @amchara @all-for-the-fanfiction@imsoftforthomastair @ddepressedbookworm @queenlilith43 @wagner-fell @cant-think-of-anything @laylax13s @tessherongraystairs

#Alastair Carstairs #Thomas Lightwood #Thomastair #Cordelia Carstairs #Sona Carstairs #Rostam Carstairs #the last hours #tlh #the stars collide #fanfiction

[melanielocke]

The Stars Collide - Chapter 34

I'm so sorry for the long wait, but here is the next chapter. I wrote it this morning, I haven't worked on this in a while but I intend to finish it. This story has no spoilers for Chain of Thorns and I've kept the name Rostam for the baby here because it would be weird to change it mid story.

In the end, Alastair pulled Rostam into bed with him, holding his little brother in his arms. It was an odd experience, Alastair was not so used to touching people and he hadn’t met Rostam before today. But he had to acknowledge it was simply too cold in here, and it had only gotten colder. This way, they could pile on all the blankets over the both of them, and they could keep each other warm. Rostam might die otherwise.

He was surprised to find that Rostam didn’t mind it so much. Alastair felt like a stranger to his little brother, but showing him a couple of memories with penguins in them had quickly won him over. Rostam was a lot like him, he guessed. When he was interested in something, he went all the way. Right now, for Rostam that was penguins.

The next day, Alastair was called away for more experiments. He wrapped Rostam in all the blankets they had.

‘Stay on the bed,’ Alastair said. ‘It’s warmer from us sleeping in it.’

Alastair knew it was unlikely he’d made any progress convincing the guard to help, but Grace at least seemed to oppose kidnapping a child. Grace was still wearing a wool coat when he saw her and in it she was shivering.

‘It’s far too cold where we’re kept,’ Alastair said. ‘We need warmer blankets, winter hats, scarves and the like.’

Grace said nothing.

‘Unless you want me to freeze to death,’ Alastair added. ‘I’m doing everything I can to make sure Rostam stays warm, if either of us is going to die from the cold it’s me. You still need me.’

Grace turned to the guard. ‘Bring whatever you can scavenge to keep them warm to the prison cell.’

The guard left the two of them alone and Alastair sat down in the machine’s chair.

‘I’m going to need you to access your own memory while we read,’ Grace said.

‘Of course,’ Alastair said.

He hoped Grace had no clue what he was doing when he slipped back into her mind. It was difficult to navigate, but she had said something that implied the existence of given powers in the Edom empire rather than born like his and he searched something related to that.

What he found was a lab that looked very different from the ones he was used to. The windows looked out into outer space, a planet visible in the distance. This was a spaceship or a satellite. There were scientists in white lab coats walking around. And children, many children. Grace was one of them, guided there by Tatiana who was now her mother.

‘For my daughter, I want the power over men,’ Tatiana told one of the scientists.

‘We’ve been developing a set of stimuli that should produce such a result,’ the scientist said. ‘But I must say that results can be unpredictable. The problem is the lack of natural born power. We think copying might be easier than producing from nothing, but we have nothing.’

It made no sense. Edom conquered planets on the regular, so how come they didn’t find any magic subjects there? Alastair had heard that they had no natural born magic there, but he’d assumed that was only the people born under Edom rule.

‘Are there no planets in the empire that have magic?’ Tatiana said. ‘I was not born here, you see. I never had magic of my own, but where I was from there were many people with powers.’

‘When a planet is conquered by Edom, its natural born magic users all lose their powers,’ the scientist said. ‘No one understands why. Outside our empire, it has proven impossible to take powers away, and yet here it happens without anyone trying. The best we can do is artificial power.’

Hadn’t Grace said something about how they would never take his power away? He guessed that was the second thing the scientist referred to, non Edom researchers had never been able to take magic away. But if that was the case, then how come everyone in Edom lost their powers once they were part of the empire?

‘It is no different than natural born, is it?’ Tatiana said. ‘At least this way you can influence what magic someone gets.’

‘That is true,’ the scientist said. ‘It is not quite like natural magic. You say you’re not from Edom, milady. Did you know natural magic users where you’re from?’

‘I knew a witch,’ Tatiana said. ‘Horrible woman. She and her husband turned my family against me until I had no choice but to run. But the emperor has promised me we would have revenge. One day, Fair will fall to Edom.’

That was worrying. Based on Grace’ age, this had been years ago and Alastair had no clue if Tatiana had any swaying power within the Edom empire. But if the emperor himself had made her any promises, they had to be close. He could hardly imagine what would happen if Fair and their allies were to fall. It seemed like Alastair would lose his powers if that happened. And what about his friends, his family? He doubted the Fairchild family would survive if Edom took over. And what of Thomas?

The memory showed Grace undergoing weeks of experiments until her new powers stuck. It looked horrifying, and considering everyone undergoing the experiments was very young he presumed it only worked on children. He worried for Rostam. Would they try to give him powers too? He did not think Rostam had any, but this was not worth it. This was horrible child abuse.

The memory sped up to Grace first using her power on men Tatiana deemed low enough to experiment on. Poor men, conquered men. Why only men, Alastair wasn’t sure. The most powerful person in Fair was a woman, but he’d heard Edom was far more misogynistic than the Seven Planets. It made him wonder why Tatiana had fled there. If anyone decided he was guilty of murdering Charles, he certainly wouldn’t flee to a place that oppressed gay people.

Perhaps Tatiana feared Grace might turn her power on her mother if she could. After all, Grace was a child whose parents had been killed by the people Tatiana supported. He didn’t know how Grace felt about her exactly, but Alastair could see her turning against her mother. Perhaps all she needed was a push. Alastair knew all about hating a parent so badly it poisoned you. And he knew sometimes it was best to cut off that person completely. He’d only been able to start processing his father with Thomas, when he was safe and not trying to survive every day.

The men did everything Grace asked of them. They gave her gifts, expressed their love to her. It was horrifying. Grace was twelve at oldest, and it wasn’t her fault she had these gifts. Her mother was making grown men desire her. And then the men died. Every single one of them, usually within several hours of Grace first controlling them.

He returned to the present, with Grace staring angrily at him. ‘What were you doing in my head?’

‘I don’t know what you’re talking about,’ Alastair said evenly.

‘Don’t play dumb,’ Grace said. ‘I had the reading tuned in to better tell me what your power was doing, and it showed me you were revisiting another’s memory. I’m the only person in the room.’

‘For your information, I can reach farther than that ever since you first enhanced my power,’ Alastair said. ‘And I used to be unable to visit another’s memory without them being there with me.’

‘We enhanced you a lot,’ Grace said. ‘The scientists of Edom once claimed that artificial power is as good as natural. But I can enhance your natural power to things that have never been seen. And once we progress some more, we can harvest and sell it and you will never lose what you can do.’

‘Except if you were to take me to Edom,’ Alastair said. ‘I’d lose my power there. Why?’

‘No one knows,’ Grace said. She paused.

Alastair suspected she did have her ideas. He wasn’t sure if he could coax it out of her, and it was not the most relevant right now.

‘So because of that, you instead set up your research here,’ Alastair said. ‘It seems awfully complicated, having to build a lab underwater, but if you wanted to experiment on people with natural magic, you need to do it here. And you need access to someone.’  

‘Charles made it all possible,’ Grace said. ‘He was a fool, thinking the emperor would give him anything. If he had left it all alone, then Charles would have been King of Fair one day.’

It never would have been enough for Charles. He’d always want more power, more magic at his disposal. If Charles hadn’t done this, he’d be alive today. And Alastair would still be with him, he guessed.

‘You don’t care about him being dead.’

‘I know as well as you do that he was not a good person,’ Grace said.

‘But neither are you,’ Alastair said. ‘Working with these people, kidnapping children. Why do you do it, Grace? I won’t pretend I haven’t seen your memories. I know what you told me about your planet being conquered was true. You know Tatiana is not your mother, right? She doesn’t love you, she only wants to use you.’

‘You think I don’t know that?’ Grace hissed. ‘I’ve been trying to leave Edom for years. But I can’t. There are very few planets that would take Edom refugees, and none would take me if they knew what I could do. I can’t keep it hidden forever, I can’t risk touching anyone.’

‘So you keep doing research on magic,’ Alastair said. ‘You think if you can make what you’re doing to me work, you could also take your own magic away.’

‘You have no idea what it’s like,’ Grace said. ‘It only works on men, my mother said, but even that is not reliable. I’ve killed people I didn’t think were men because I believed I could touch them. Sex and gender is a lot more complicated than the simple man or woman dichotomy and it makes my power unpredictable.’

‘Charles may be dead, but I am still close to the royal family,’ Alastair said. ‘If you help me-‘

A guard came back, and Alastair promptly shut up. He could not let anyone else know he was trying to work with Grace. He did feel for her, and he did understand how she believed she had no choice. It was true that foreign planets were hesitant letting in people with powers. And Grace’ power was a curse more than anything else. He was not a scientist himself, but he knew Grace and Christopher were both brilliant. Perhaps together they could find a way to remove Grace’ powers. And Alastair could help her get that opportunity. If he could convince Henry and Charlotte to take her in as a refugee.

‘We’re done here,’ Grace said to the guard. ‘Bring him back to me tomorrow.’

When Alastair returned to the prison cell, he saw that more blankets had been supplied, as well as winter clothes. He immediately put a hat on Rostam’s head, and a scarf around his neck before wrapping him into the thickest blanket he could find. Then Alastair found some warm clothes and blankets for himself. It was still cold, but it was bearable.

‘Look,’ Rostam said, pointing at the ocean outside. ‘That’s a penguin!’

Alastair looked where Rostam was pointing, and he saw the bird coming closer, as if it were curious. It was a large penguin, larger than the fairy penguins and it had a bright pink heart on its chest, which was odd.

‘What kind of penguin is that?’

‘They’re called love penguins because of that pink spot,’ Rostam said. ‘Look, here!’

Rostam opened his penguin book at the page that depicted the love penguin, and Alastair took a good look. The spot was not always heart shaped, but often enough that it had been named such.

‘They’re very rare,’ Rostam said. ‘They only nest on one island near the southpole of Fair.’

‘You really know your penguins,’ Alastair said, and Rostam gleamed with pride.

He skimmed through the page of the book, and found a reference. The penguins only nested on King Granville’s Isle, which was a small island that was only inhabited by scientists studying the penguins and other wildlife. It was very cold there, which explained why Alastair was freezing in here.

‘You’re a genius, Rostam,’ Alastair said. ‘We just narrowed down where we are by a large margin. Which means we need to find a way to get a message out.’

‘Does that mean Cordelia is coming to save us?’

‘She is,’ Alastair said. ‘As soon as she knows where we are, she’ll come for us.’  

@alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @life-through-the-eyes-of @astriefer @justanormaldemon @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised @amchara @all-for-the-fanfiction @imsoftforthomastair @ddepressedbookworm @queenlilith43 @wagner-fell @cant-think-of-anything @laylax13s @tessherongraystairs @boredfangirl16 @artist-in-soul @beyondlifebeyonddeath @ikissedsmithparker

#Alastair Carstairs #Rostam Carstairs #Grace Blackthorn #the stars collide #the last hours #fanfic

[melanielocke]

Alastember - day 7 - one night in Alastair's life

I found this a very difficult assignment because it was a little vague so it took a while before I had a good idea (I wrote day 8, 9 and half of 10 before this one) but I like this one. It's set just before yesterday's piece, but you don't need to read that one to understand this or vice versa.

@alastair-appreciation-month

‘No bed! No bed!’

Rostam had been screaming and shouting for over half an hour now that he didn’t want to go to bed. Alastair had never known children could be so exhausting, had he been like this when he was two?

‘It’s time for bed, Rostam,’ Sona said, her posture betraying how tired she really was.

Rostam was almost two now and had grown into a tiny demon. Every day was like this, and it was a struggle to get him to do anything. Eat his food, go to bed, wear clothes. The answer was typically no.

‘I’ll take him,’ Alastair said to his mother. ‘You need rest.’

He knelt down in front of Rostam. ‘If you don’t go to bed, then Kamala and I won’t be able to take you to Hyde Park tomorrow,’ he said. ‘You’ll be too tired and you’ll need to nap all day.’

‘Not tired!’ Rostam protested. ‘No bed!’

‘You are tired though,’ Alastair said. ‘I can see your eyes falling shut. Like this. I can sing you a song if you like, or read you a bedtime story.’

That seemed to catch Rostam’s attention. ‘Song and story!’

‘Okay. Let’s go upstairs then, alright?’

This trick didn’t work every day, but Rostam was fond enough of Alastair’s songs that it usually had some effect at least. Just a week ago he’d had to take Rostam to the Silent Brothers for a health check and he’d had to sing the entire visit to get Rostam even remotely calm enough to allow Brother Zachariah to examine him. With any other Brother, it would have remained impossible. Alastair wasn’t sure whose idea it had been to put the entirety of Shadowhunter healthcare in the hands of creepy men with no eyes.

Alastair carried Rostam upstairs and changed him into pajamas, putting him in bed with his rabbit Francois before starting to sing a Persian ghazal he knew Rostam liked. Then he read him a story from a children’s storybook his mother had saved.

He returned downstairs with Rostam sound asleep and his mother sitting in the living room, two cups on tea in the table.

‘Alastair joon, can I speak with you?’ Sona said.

Alastair sat down on the couch opposite of his mother. ‘Of course.’

‘You are not Rostam’s father. I never meant for you to take on that responsibility after Elias died.’

‘I don’t mind taking care of him,’ Alastair said. ‘And you need the help.’

‘I want you to live your own life, azizam,’ Sona said. ‘I overheard you and Thomas speak about getting an apartment together the other week. And I think you should.’

‘But you and Rostam…’

‘We’ll manage. He’s not the first child I’ve raised, and I have Risa to help me,’ Sona said. ‘And I don’t want to hold you back from your own life. You have Thomas, and I think living together will make you happy.’

‘I’ll think on it,’ Alastair said.

‘I know you sleep better when Thomas is here,’ his mother added. ‘And you can still see Rostam. I want you to be an older brother he’ll look up, someone he has fun with. But you don’t have to put him to bed when he doesn’t want to or change his diapers or manage his temper tantrums. That is my responsibility. You’ll have to change plenty of diapers when you have children of your own.’

‘Thomas and I can’t have children,’ Alastair said, not sure how his mother was picturing him having children.

‘You could adopt. So many shadowhunter children become orphaned and you’d be an amazing father to one of them someday.’

‘Maybe,’ Alastair said. ‘I’ll start looking at apartments.’

‘There’s a new flat just a couple of streets away from here,’ Sona said. ‘It looks nice on the outside at least, you and Thomas should make inquiries.’

‘I will,’ Alastair said. Moving was something he found difficult, he guessed. After years of moving from place to place, moving felt more like running away. Even if it was the right choice for him, even if Thomas wanted nothing more than to get a place together. And it felt wrong to leave with Rostam still so young. But his mother was right, he wasn’t Rostam’s father.  

Taglist: @alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @life-through-the-eyes-of @styxdrawings @justanormaldemon @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised @amchara @all-for-the-fanfiction @imsoftforthomastair @ddepressedbookworm @queenlilith43 @wagner-fell @cant-think-of-anything @laylax13s @tessherongraystairs @boredfangirl16 @artist-in-soul @broodyhawthorne

#Alastair Carstairs #Rostam Carstairs #Sona Carstairs #the last hours #tlh #fanfiction #alastember 2022

[melanielocke]

Was it confirmed already that Alastair has cortana before now? (I vaguely remember something about it attracting demons toward him? But in the book itself it's only vaguely implied)

Either way, I do have a theory concerning cortana, which is that Cordelia due to her connection to Lilith will never be able to wield it again. I think she might find a way to lessen the connection or live with it somehow, but only as long as she doesn't wield cortana. At the very least, without cortana she's not as useful to Lilith as Lilith wanted her specifically because of cortana.

Alastair would wield it for some time during ChoT but all the demons coming after him would be inconvenient, and likely a result of Belial being very paranoid about cortana now that it's wounded him twice already. I think he might choose to stop wielding cortana as well and maybe hide it instead for the time being because this isn't working and he's smart enough to figure out the connection. This would also be why Belial is still alive later in the timeline.

I imagine they would retrieve it when Rostam/baby Carstairs gets old enough to start training and they would give it to him, and he passes it on down his line until it gets to Emma, rather than Cordelia giving it to her children.

#Alastair Carstairs #Cordelia Carstairs #cortana #chain of thorns #chain of thorns theories #the last hours

[melanielocke]

The Stars Collide - Chapter 31

After that cliffhanger, I shouldn't keep you waiting. I'm considering writing a sequel to this fic once it's finished in which Grace would be the main character. I just reread ChoG and ChoI to prepare for ChoT and I would die for Grace Blackthorn and also really like her story in this one, which you'll learn more about in the next chapter, though it'll be spread out.

Alastair went to open the door, perhaps Thomas had forgotten something. Perhaps Thomas realized it was too much for him to carry by himself and needed Alastair to come and help. Or perhaps Cordelia had already come upstairs with some other things and had just arrived.

He opened the door to stare into the face of Augustus Pounceby, and suddenly he remembered. Augustus, who was in the military. Who had worked for Charles, and had helped along with the project and experiments. He’d never quite been sure if Augustus was involved with it, had never seen him at the lab, but Augustus was not a scientist and Charles had needed support from military officers as well. Alastair had suspected though, from the frequent visits to Charles.

‘I’m going to need you to come with me, Carstairs,’ Augustus said.

Alastair took a step back. ‘No,’ he said. ‘Leave me alone.’

Augustus took his phone out of his pocket and showed a picture on it. Alastair had to take a closer look to see what was going on, but then he realized it was a child, hands tied up and a piece of cloth bound into his mouth. Rostam.

‘Where is he? What did you do to him?’

‘We need leverage, Carstairs,’ Pounceby said. ‘A guarantee that you won’t do the same thing you did to Charles. We need you to finish the experiments, and if you do not cooperate, the child dies.’

‘You can’t,’ Alastair whispered. ‘He’s just a child.’

‘And if you don’t want anything to happen to him, you’d better come with me right now.’

Alastair didn’t see a way out of this, no way to tell Thomas what had happened, where he was. He didn’t even know where he was going, what message was he even supposed to leave?

He followed Augustus, who took a route hidden from sight, somewhere Thomas wouldn’t pass, and led him to an airship. An airship, not a spaceship, they weren’t leaving this planet. That was a good thing, Thomas and Cordelia were far more likely to find him on the Fair planet.

‘Where is Rostam?’ Alastair asked once they were boarded and the ship had taken off.

‘He’s on his way as we speak,’ Augustus said. ‘It’s a several day journey from Turan, but he’ll be with us soon enough.’

It was illegal to take children into outer space. As far as Alastair knew, it had to do with growth and bone density, too much time spent in outer space as a child would result in smaller growth and possibly even bone density issues. If they brought Rostam here, he was not sure if it was possible to take him home.

‘You can’t. You have me now, you don’t need him anymore. Please, just let him go,’ Alastair said.

‘No. We know what you’re capable off, we know you killed Charles. I’m sure you’re starting to remember too.’

‘I remember,’ Alastair said. 

‘So we need a guarantee you won’t pull the same shit again,’ Augustus said. ‘You and the child will stay in our new facility until we’ve reached the goals of our research. Charles’ death has complicated the project immensely, no one expected you to be such a pain in the ass.’

Alastair didn’t say anything else, what was there to say? He was stuck here. He didn’t know how long the flight took, he fell asleep at some point and woke up still in the air. He had to look outside, take in the scenery. He needed to figure out where he was going. They were flying over woods, an unusual forest that seemed to go on everywhere he could see. Of course, this had to be Lightwood. They were flying over Lightwood. That was important, but who could he tell?

They landed on a tiny island in the middle of nowhere. It was freezing cold over here, Alastair had never known the Fair planet to be this cold. They transferred to a submarine, which took them to a different undersea lab. How had they even be able to build these structures without anyone knowing? Exactly how long had Charles been planning this before he’d first taken Alastair to the lab?

Augustus dragged him to a room with a bed and a small bathroom attached to it. There was a second bed, kid sized. Was this where they intended to put Rostam too? He’d known these people were evil, of course, but he’d never expected they would be willing to kidnap a child to get him to cooperate. Rostam had to be so scared.

Augustus locked the door behind him, leaving Alastair alone in his prison cell. He wondered when the experiments would start, how long he’d have to stay in here. He wondered where Thomas was now. He had to be devastated, terrified. But there was no way for him to figure out where Alastair had gone this time. No one would be coming for him. Alastair collapsed onto the bed and burst into tears.

‘He can’t be far,’ Thomas said. ‘I’m going to warn the guards, Charlotte, everyone.’

‘Hurry,’ Cordelia said. ‘I’ll call my mother again. Do you think Rostam disappearing is connected to this?’

Thomas didn’t know for sure. But if Alastair had killed Charles through the machine, and the people who’d done the experiments wanted to use him again, they’d want to make sure Alastair would not try something like that again.

He called the guards first, telling them everything he knew as quickly as he could. They promised they’d start investigating right away. It hadn’t been very long and Alastair couldn’t have gone far, could he?

He knocked on the door of the Queen’s office, and entered once she called to come in.

‘Thomas,’ she said. ‘It’s so good to see you. Is Alastair with you? Did he remember anything?’

‘He’s missing. I just left him in our rooms for maybe twenty minutes, and he’s gone. I’ve informed the guards, they’re looking for him, he can’t have gotten far.’

‘Are you sure he’s not still in the palace?’

‘He was tired, he wouldn’t have left our rooms, and he left his phone behind too. And his younger brother is missing too. Alastair’s mother called Cordelia, her youngest child is missing too.’

Charlotte frowned. ‘Prince Rostam? But he lives on Turan.’

‘Yes. He disappeared there. But I’m thinking it might be connected, that they might be using Rostam as leverage.’ Thomas took in a deep breath, should he tell this? ‘One of the experiments killed Charles. Unless Alastair cooperates fully, the experiments could kill people again. They’ll want to make sure that doesn’t happen.’

‘I knew Charles must have had the stroke in that lab,’ Charlotte said with a sigh. ‘But it was the experiment himself? Dear stars, what was he doing?’

‘Charles wanted to try to take some of Alastair’s power for himself. It didn’t work and Charles died,’ Thomas said.

He left out the part where Alastair had pulled back on purpose, how he’d wanted to stop what was going on. He didn’t think Charlotte was ready for that.

‘Oh, why, Charles,’ Charlotte said. ‘It doesn’t make any sense.’

‘I’m not sure what exactly Charles’ goals were with the experiments,’ Thomas said. ‘But after enhancing his power, Alastair could erase and alter people’s memories. He would have use for something like that in politics.’

‘I understand that,’ Charlotte said. ‘Alastair’s powers are useful, and potentially dangerous in the wrong hands. I always admired Alastair’s ethical boundaries, the way he kept his power to himself.’

‘He wanted to come to you,’ Thomas said. ‘To tell you what Charles was doing. He’d never wanted to participate in the experiments. But then the people made him forget. He’s not going to be punished for participating in illegal experiments, right?’

‘Legally, he’d be considered the victim even if he’d consented to participate,’ Charlotte said. ‘He’ll be alright, once we find him.’

‘He can’t be far yet,’ Thomas said. ‘The guards are looking everywhere.’

Thomas returned to the ship, Cordelia was still there and on the phone with her mother, Lucie beside her working on her charms.

‘Any news?’ Cordelia asked.

‘Nothing yet, but everyone’s on high alert and looking for him. He can’t have gotten far. I’m going to call Christopher. The only lead we have right now is Grace Blackthorn, Christopher’s lab partner.’

‘You don’t happen to know where she lives?’ Cordelia asked.

‘No, but Christopher might.’

Thomas confirmed with Christopher that he was in his lab and went there. It would be easier to talk in person, Christopher never liked making phone calls.

‘Tom, I’m so sorry about Alastair,’ Christopher said. ‘Do you truly have no idea where they might have taken him?’

Thomas sat down on one of the chairs in the coffee room of the lab, sighing deeply. ‘No. Everyone’s on high alert looking for him. But we have one other lead now.’

Christopher sat down in the chair opposite of him, his head bowed down. ‘I heard about Grace.’

‘Yes,’ Thomas said. ‘I’m sorry. I know you liked her.’

‘I barely knew her,’ Christopher said. ‘But I liked having her here. The best discoveries are made in cooperation, and Grace and I worked well together. But she was so closed off, I barely knew anything about her. All I know about her past is the story she told when you and Alastair visited, about how the Edom empire had taken her home planet.’

Thomas didn’t know what to think of the story. How much of it was true? The Edom Empire took planets all the time, and it was so powerful no one but the Raziel empire could stand against it. If they were involved with the experiments, that was bad. If they found proof and presented it to the Raziel empire, what then?

‘Why would Edom wish to perform experiments here of all places? With all the sneaking about, the secret labs,’ Thomas said.

‘Didn’t you know?’ Christopher asked. ‘Powers are not divided equally among the universe. They say the Edom Emperor has powers but no one knows exactly what. However, for some reason no one within the Edom Empire is born with them. And the seven planets have an unusually high rate of powers.’

‘I did not know that,’ Thomas said.

‘That’s why we’ve done so much research on the topic despite being a small part of the galaxy,’ Christopher said. ‘The Raziel Empire has relatively high rates too, I’ve heard, but Edom could never access the Raziel Empire.’  

‘Charles must have sought power somehow,’ Thomas said. ‘And allied himself to the Edom Empire, offering Alastair to experiment on.’

‘Edom might have wanted ways to take power from others,’ Christopher said. ‘It’s the one thing they do not have.’

‘But why?’ Thomas asked. ‘Why Alastair? Why Tessa and Lucie? And why no one in Edom?’

‘That’s the question, isn’t it?’ Christopher said. ‘I’ve never liked that I don’t understand it. There seems to be a genetic component considering Lucie inherited Tessa’s powers, but James has no power at all. I theorized it might be something to do with nearby stars and radioactivity in space, but I can’t find big enough sample sizes to test that theory.’

‘So Edom must have gotten lucky with Charles,’ Thomas said. ‘Alastair’s power is an interesting one and if they could have it harvested or moved into one of them, it would allow them to expand their power, their empire. Charles was a fool to think they would not crush him once they saw the chance.’

‘But that’s not why he died, is it?’ Christopher asked. ‘The timing… Charles’ death put them all behind, they lost access to Alastair.’

‘So they started trying to kidnap him,’ Thomas said. ‘And now they succeeded. Alastair must be so scared. It was hard enough for him, being in the old abandoned lab.’

‘I’m sorry,’ Christopher said. ‘I wish there was more I could do to help. Alastair’s been connected to my machine, perhaps with the proper alterations it could be used to find him, but I don’t know how long that will take.’

Thomas raised an eyebrow. ‘You think that’s possible?’

‘Maybe,’ Christopher said. ‘I’ll get to work straightaway. I’m not going to let you down, Tom.’

‘Take care of yourself too, Kit,’ Thomas said. ‘I appreciate what you’re doing, but don’t neglect eating, or sleeping.’

He guessed he would have to come check on Kit every once in a while. As useless as he felt, at least he could bring Christopher food while he worked. It was a good plan, a solid plan. Thomas couldn’t say he understood the magic technology Christopher used, but if there was any chance it would allow them to locate Alastair he would take it.

‘Kit, you don’t happen to know where Grace lives?’

‘She has a place in the city,’ Christopher said. ‘She’s registered here, I could look up her address for you.’

‘Good,’ Thomas said. ‘Then Cordelia and I are going to take a look.’

@alastaircarstairsdefenselawyer @life-through-the-eyes-of @astriefer @justanormaldemon @ipromiseiwillwrite @a-dream-dirty-and-bruised @amchara @all-for-the-fanfiction @imsoftforthomastair @ddepressedbookworm @queenlilith43 @wagner-fell @cant-think-of-anything @laylax13s @tessherongraystairs @boredfangirl16 @artist-in-soul @bottomdelioncourt @ikissedsmithparker

#Alastair Carstairs #Thomas Lightwood #Christopher Lightwood #Cordelia Carstairs #the stars collide #the last hours #tlh #fanfiction