#rsd can fuck off honestly

[sophiainspace]

Oh my god, the Discord server rules.

First, there's the server where you're not allowed to @ anyone unless they have a little bell in their name. My socially anxious people-pleasing ass has worked incredibly hard to learn this rule, until it's a reflex to turn off the ping as I reply to people. Seriously, everyone there seems to hate being mentioned with a ping - deeply, completely, prostrate yourself on the floor if you dare do the evil of the ping. I'm not even talking @everyone. Just any reply that sends a notification. A travesty, a murder, go directly to hell. (This means I now turn off the ping in servers where people want it.)

Then there's the server where you have to stick strictly to the subject matter of each channel or there will be a whole moral panic. There are three 'talk freely' channels, each with a slightly different focus, where believe me you cannot talk freely. That's before you get to the INFINITE LIST of subject channels. Oh yes, if a thing exists in the wide fucking universe, there will be a channel for it, and you will not set a foot out of the 'laundry' channel to discuss laundry in 'home', nor will you mention another household chore in the 'laundry' channel, or cursed be your progeny even unto seven generations.

Then there's the one where I read the rule "No mentions of religion or politics" and left immediately. Anywhere but Discord, I'd have thought this was minor hyperbole. But oh no. This is Discord. There are two or three of you around here who know what I do for work. You will get why I have never laughed so hard, as I imagined the scenario in which someone asked me what I did today and I mentioned in passing something I was working on and the ban-hammer came down so hard I was trebucheted directly to the Vatican, exiled there forever if you like religion so much, as the words would have flashed up on the black Discord screen.

Then there's the server where you can't spam. Which basically seems to mean no posting one line after another. Ever. I left that server after less than a day, anxiety spiking through the ceiling. I have RSD and constantly worry that I talk too much - there was going to be a terrible mess if I stayed, and the mess would be the puddle of liquid me all over the server floor.

Then there's the server that likes you to tag all spoilers (absolutely fair, this server is the only place with sensible rules honestly, given the series it focuses on.) Where I was briefly liveblogging about said completed series, but ended up hinting about too many things that I need to tag with each episode they relate to (in this case, potentially about 20 eps). Server folks are absolutely right that I should do this. It's just going to take more brain cells than I have left, after the above sets of rules HAVE DESTROYED MY TINY MIND. Love the server, might stick to their food channels.

Then there's the server where you can't backseat mod, and that's fine because I exist there to cause the trouble I can't in the above servers, and the mods can mod me. Just as long as I'm careful not to get thrown out. Since there's nowhere else I can actually talk about my fandoms without stepping on the garden rake of a ridiculous rule and doing a Sideshow Bob for hours.

I like all these servers. Brilliant, wonderful, full of great people. Also full of people with interesting attachments to weirdly specific rules, categories and ideas. And I'm too old and neurodivergent for 10 servers with 10 different sets of rules where if you break a single one, they break you.

So it's back to tumblr I guess. Where there are no rules, only vague but absolutely vital social conventions that no one warns you about until you blunder into them, and then there will be torture and death. Never mind the main character of the day on Twitter, try being the tumblr travesty of the decade, all because you did a thing no one wrote down but everyone knows is worse than abandoning your elderly grandmother in the middle of a field and driving away.

I'm going to my living room to freak out about TV alone.

#discord #tumblr #social media

[tmntjester]

Who’s your favorite turtle and least favorite

I'd have to say my least favourite turtle is 1987 Leo, I love him, but good gods he needs to get a personality X3 I can thoroughly appreciate and respect his ability to be a leader that his brothers feel confident enough to follow with little to no question or push-back (I only remember 1 episode where his brothers said they didn't need Leo as a leader and thoroughly found the fuck out, lol) and he has episodes of growth and over-coming obstacles and fears, but at the end of the day, I swear that boy has the personality of a saltine. (With maybe some silly cheese on top cause he likes to make silly ass puns and jokes, lol)

I honestly don't feel like I can pick a favourite simply because I feel like every turtle has their very unique and individual qualities about them that I absolutely adore and appreciate, honestly I was struggling to figure out a least favourite turtle, too, hahahah, so I'm just gonna pick my favourites from each series (and it's gonna get a bit repetitive cause I'm a simple bitch with simple pleasures🥰)

1987: Michaelangelo: He was my favourite from the get-go, I've always admired his skills with his nun-chucks, his general demeanor and just how caring he is. I think my favourite parts are when someone genuinely pisses him off and shows that he knows his ninjistu and his weapon all too well and you really don't wanna fuck around and find out with him because of that. He's a sweet soul and while I think he's terrible with kids in the series is till think he's a got a very genuine and kind soul as he constantly tries to bring in animal companions and pets (and in one of the comic series during this time, it shows just how sensitive he is and all he wants is community, love, and understanding). I can relate to him on the level of indulgence in medias such as TV, music, etc. (As it is with all Mikey's of course) But I don't think I could ever match his love for pizza (I think only 2012 Mikey could genuinely compete 👀).

2003: Mikey: Now Mikey in this iteration really hits home for me simply because I was probably one of the most, if not, THE most annoying kid you could've come across and encountered in your entire life. I belive it's because of that I was not well-liked and was heavily bullied and, because of this, I felt an immediate kin-ship with Mikey and you can pull it from my cold, dead hands. I've later come to understand that the way his brothers (namely Raph) interacts with him is simply how they, as brothers, show their brotherhood/brotherly love..or something like that (I still don't quite get it, honestly) and because of that my ADHD and RSD go into overdrive everytime I see someone interacting (seemingly) negatively with him, it's almost like a punch in the gut, y'know? I think it's because of this, my love for him is pretty much solidified.

2012: Leonardo: Now this one was actually a bit of a surprise to me, I kept trying to think which one I genuinely liked between the four of them in the '12 vers. and I thought Mikey, but I just like his psychy, then I thought Raph, and yeah, he comes in at a close 2nd, but I think I more-so really like what his relationship with Mona brings out of him. But with Leonardo, his autistic ass has some of, if not, THE most personal growth and development among just about anyone in the '12 series to the point I was practically at the edge of my seat to see how he grew and developed as the show progressed. I never really thought I'd be this invested with any Leonardo, but even through a screen his leadership qualities permeate and make the viewer feel like they can do just about anything they set their mind, heart, and soul to because you get to see Leo struggle time and time again and still come out on top, he's not perfect by any means or lengths, but by the gods grace he's fuckin trying and I genuinely think that's why he's one of my favourite turtles.

(although I REALLY like future Raph in this series 👀✨️)

2018: Donatello: I honestly haven't finished rottmnt yet, I'm almost done with the first season and while I love them all and find leo in this vers. annoying as hell, I can still see his leadership qualities popping through even if he's not seated directly in the leadership position. Donatello, though, has little to no interest in being a leader and more so just looks to improve himself technologically-speaking, he's genuine in his self-expression, (and I swear to the gods I just love all the autistic/adhd bitches around here alright).

Thank you so much for asking, this was really fun to think about and try to put into words, my brain kinda goes a million miles a second sometimes and can be hard to keep up with and put onto paper(let alone verbal words, lol) but this was really enjoyable, thank you ^-^💖✨️

#tmnt #teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt #tmnt 2012 #tmnt 2003 #tmnt 1987 #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #mutant mayhem #tmnt mutant mayhem #tmnt mm #tmnt donatello #tmnt mikey #tmnt michelangelo #tmnt donnie #tmnt raph #tmnt raphael #tmnt leo #tmnt leonardo #teenage mutant ninja turtle mutant mayhem #ask

[luci-st4r]

Vent mention of someone else wanting to self-harm

Is it bad that I'm not bothered by the fact that our literal partner system will probably lose all contact with us for an undetermined amount of time soon? Like. Yeah. They're our partner system but also... we have barely been happy since we got close with them :/ Not genuinely, at least. and not in the silly transharmed transitioning way, it's genuinely we have not had any time to ourselves and have had to force verbality when we've needed to go NV for MONTHS so they can hear out voicd because they get upset otherwise... sigh.

Honestly, I feel safer around maidcore, who I've been in a qpr with for only like. 5 days max at the time of posting this. Because I don't feel obligated to take burdens off of them, and I can probably be a goofy ass sadist safely with them without worrying about wolf being upset at my sadistic ass words (the stuff about Squid is /pos. The rest of my rambling isn't)

I just. Can't do anything with our partner system without walking on eggshells to an extreme degree (◞‸◟；) I miss being able to be myself safely without having to let someone else front when I need to front. Or having to hold baxk protectors because they "set off their rsd" because, god forbid, they don't want to be in a relationship and get shit fucked with rose tinted glasses and aren't afraid to actually say what's wrong??

I don't like having to stay up late just to help them. I don't like losing all our personal time to them. I don't hate them. I really don't. I just. Can't. I can't handle them. They're in no place to be in a relationship. We're in no place to help them. "It's okay" NO ITS NOT "you have nothing to apologize for" YOU DONT BUT YOU DON'T NEED TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP

And they just implied they want to hurt themself. I. We've explained to them so many times why we don't want them doing that especially on call with us.

I love them. With all my heart. But fuck if we're in no place to handle them. We lie to them regularly because they keep asking if we split because of them. We do. So much. But say we don't. We promise we've never split because of them. While the alter they're talking to literally split because of them...

Whenever we think about wanting someone to make us worse, this isn't what we mean. We mean it with safe words. With consent. With some sort of plan. Not this bullshit. They make us worse /neg. Theyre not a bad person but. Idk.

So many of our comfort items have been tainted by exes. Sometimes, I wonder why we try with people who we can't communicate any sort of outside-sexual-scene safewords with in case we need to step back for safety without someone thinking it's their fault because they don't think out of scene safewords are necessary

#tw vent #tw sh

[catcatb0y]

I dunno, honestly, the whole bullshit with disorder-abuse makes even less sense when you start to branch out more.

Myself and quite a few of my family members suffer from ADHD. I have it really, really bad.

Listen, I could spend hours breaking down the specific ADHD traits that made those adults in my life manipulate and at least borderline abuse me. The amounts of breakdowns I have had that I can link specifically to many different traits of those adults' ADHD symptoms is astronomical.

Even myself, like. I struggle every day to keep my ADHD, especially, from "winning." It makes me neglectful, it makes me forgetful, it makes me ungodly sensitive sometimes, and it makes me chronically awful with so many basic functions that lead to a power imbalance in a relationship.

But... "ADHD abuse" isn't a thing.

No one's talking about parents with untreated RSD lashing out at their kids for being 'too negative' (even though it happens). No one talks about executive dysfunction blocking people off from doing the things they said they were going to. No one is leaping to talk about how ADHD memory gaps can lead to intentional or unintentional gaslighting (like actually legitamate gaslighting, not just lying, like "You must be crazy I never said that," repeated over and over kind of gaslighting). Hyperfixations and similar obsessions can be detrimental!! And sometimes, when directed at a person, just as dehumanizing as NPD traits can.

No one jumps to talk about how untreated ADHD can lead to severe depression, anxiety, mood swings, up to and inclusing dissociation. How difficult it is to be around people with untreated or treatment resistent ADHD. How unintentionally abusive some of those traits can make people.

ADHD has its own little form of ableism where people treat it like the "kids who can't sit still disorder," when homie I am sitting so still my head is in the clouds and I can't see anything in front of me.

But generally people who aren't blindly ableist understand and acknowledge that ADHD isn't something that people chose and it exists on an incredibly vast spectrum. So many kids with ADHD grew up punished by their parents who even had ADHD themselves, and yet there's no mass dehumanization of people with ADHD to paint them all as abusers. People with ADHD can be incredibly neglectful to their friends or coworkers, people with ADHD can be incredibly neglectful towards their romantic partners; people with ADHD have to self police their own actions and responses to make sure they're not stepping over that little abusive line.

Having ANY form of neurodivergency, especially the ones that blur or alter your perception of reality, gives you a little boost towards the "bad" side of interacting with a power imbalance, but guess what? A shit ton of neurotypical people don't even need that little push to be complete fucking assholes!

ADHD abuse doesn't exist. Why the fuck would you think Personality Disorder abuse exists? (Much fucking less if "anyone can be a PD abuser," then it's just acknowledging an abusive pattern that has nothing to do with the name of a legally diagnoseable disorder and you're still just an asshole).

If you think this post is dragging ADHD as a scary/abusive disorder, go touch grass. Read a book. Tell me why you think the curtains are blue.

#ADHD :handshake: NPD #misleading ass names that lead to a lot of intentional and unitentional ableism #abuse is abuse #no one is inherently abusive #certaintly not for a personality disorder often caused by trauma

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3465

today i woke up just fine. stayed in bed a little before getting up. went to work, which was fine. work was fine, really, honestly it was pretty good. we got an alert at the end of the day which i took care of.

my real issue today was when the imposter syndrome and intrusive thoughts reared their ugly heads while the RSD kicked me in the ass.

i've been spiraling most of the afternoon.

i'm trying to keep it from spiraling. i'm trying really hard. but it's so easy to want to give in to it. i just want to wallow and be miserable. but i know if i do, ill stay there. like fuck, dude. i'm so far from the smartest person i know. and that bothers me? me?? with a subconscious that has long drawn worth from intelligence??? never.

that was sarcastic.

so much of my brain's attacks today were about how i'm not good enough for this and how i shouldn't be in this job and how im not good for going back to school and all i can do is... is what? make things? things that other people can make way better?? why bother, yknow??

it's the "someone's better at that/that/x/y/z than i am, why bother?" that's getting me today.

luckily joel has been sensitive to how i feel so he could actually hear that something was off today in my voice when he called asking me what i wanted from chinese for dinner.

he's so good to me.

sigh.

#tw intrusive thoughts #tw self deprecation #tw bad mental health day #molly rambles #operation srr #osrr #3000s #3400s #sunshine boy

[lovecolibri]

As someone who ships Buddie like forever but has also observed mostly for 5 years, in regards to FF and even on here, here's what I noticed.

When it came to Anna no one could initially get over her abilism in regards to Christopher and you know what fair because that was hard for me too. I honestly don't think Eddie would have gotten over it either even if she was "so pretty". So initial bias is hard to overcome and I think it translated into FF even to this day. TBH the show and Ryan's acting choices also didn't help endear her or make her more then one dimensional. I mean he'll they had Carla call out Eddie's heart to him before he was even shot. So for me what little was she observing to be like dude your not into her. But also she knows a certain someone very well and sees that certain someone with Eddie all the time you know.

When it comes to Taylor I think initial bias still comes in. I think most people observed her as the petty bitchy best gal pal every gay guy needs. But then they had to put them in a relationship and really ruin her because yes she was toxic to Buck. Of course he wasn't innocent, he self destructed after his boyfriend dumped him, kissed a coworker, invited her to move in. Yes not a good look!! However she was more calculated you know.

Anyways let's just hope everyone treats these actresses nice please!!

I was talking more about seeing posts and stuff here and Twitter, because those comments are still floating around.

Nut yes in regards to fic, Ana in particular was SUCH a blank slate and the little we DID see was her ableism and that breakup with her touching Eddie who is very much in a "this is crossing boundaries, don't touch me" stance so it's easy for fic writers to dial up the drama and make a big, fun, telenovela storyline with her being off the rails, or a more grounded story with her faults dialed up just a bit for the *drama*.

For Tay Kay though it never made sense to me because we DID see exactly who she is on multiple occasions and none of that ever made sense as something Buck would want to pursue after 2x06 (even 2x08 with him complaining to BOBBY of all people?! about how interesting she was has ALWAYS rubbed me the wrong way but I think it's because they didn't quite anticipate how strongly the audience would react to her actions against Bobby so they put in the ending in 2x08 with Ali instead). "petty bitchy best gal pal every gay guy needs" but DOES anyone need that? I've SEEN petty, bitchy best gal pals! Look at Rosa from B99! She was not afraid to call Jake out, but she was never genuinely MEAN about it or specifically tried to hurt him when she called him out as a way to prop herself up. I will NEVER understand fics acting like that woman has ever given a flying fuck about a single person other than herself in order to make her Buck's bestie when the show HAS all these amazing, strong female AND male characters that Buck ALREADY knows, and ALREADY seeks advice from, and who aren't afraid to call him out, but gently and with love and in a way that respects that he struggles with RSD and how that affects how he perceives what people are saying. It's not always done perfectly by his friends and family but it IS always done with love.

As for any of the cast in ANY capacity, there is no need to be rude to any of them, ever? I do NOT like MW, or GW, or AK for personal reasons. And as such, I wipe their existence from my mind, and don't look at what they are doing or saying because I simply do not care. DO NOT bring your drama about a show's choices to the people being paid to act out what they are told to. (You absolutely can and should call out things like, oh IDK, constantly going out for Latina characters while not being Latina, or making/liking homophobic comments etc but those are their personal choices not about the things their characters are doing)

#my sweet nonnie friends #911 #anti ana flores #anti eddieana #anti taylor kelly #anti bucktaylor #for blacklisting purposes #clearing out my inbox #don't judge me some of these are going to be so old...

[bitter-sweet-coffee]

Calling them queer is fine, I'm talking about calling them whores and all that. It also like... doesn't matter if you don't think they sound/act like a kid, they still technically are (Sonic is a series aimed at kids after all. Demographics). I don't want to come off of anon due to severe rejection dysphoria and honestly, yeah it is a week move. I'm scared. I've been buddies with you for a while, but I know if I don't block I'll just think of the thing that makes me uncomfy whenever I see you on my dash! I also don't think it's... it's not chronically online to be uncomfy with calling a 14 year old a whore. Please don't blow out of proportion.

have you failed to see the depth of my comment? watch this real quick:

shadow is a cunt

espio is a fag

fang is a whore

blaze is a dyke

infinite can fuck nasty if he wants to

anyways, see how those words just happen? it’s a passing comment with no weight to it. do you not call your friends bitches, whores, sluts, queers, fags, etc? if you have 0 experience with this use of the english language, fair game. but people do this for shits and giggles because it’s funny and doesn’t hurt real people. that’s committing to the bit babey!

if you were a kid who liked sonic in the 90’s you’d be 40 now. if you respect special interests and people enjoying things from their childhood, don’t use the “but it’s for kids” excuse. kids aren’t on my discord server where we make these jokes

anyways, if there’s someone blowing things out of proportion it would be you lmao. jet isn’t real, anon. he’s not 14 and he isn’t real and if i were to call a sonic character a slur or dirty word it’s not causing any harm and actually getting quite a few laughs out of good people!

using rsd as a scapegoat isn’t helping either. if you’re allowed to come into my inbox and tell me about your feelings and block me, other people have the right to block you too.

if you are genuinely scared and experiencing ill emotions from people having fun on the internet, i recommend you log off and spend some time in the real world because that really should not be happening dude

#bsc anons

[ablednt]

yeah and we also need to talk more about the edgy "jokes" to overt bigotry pipeline esp in cluster b spaces. i feel like alot of it is kinda waved away bc ppl will go "that's just how i am and i cant help it. if you disagree youre ableist." like they conflate ableism with being held accountable and non cluster b ppl that dont know better just eat it up. and those same ppl will be the ones who talk about how they had a bullying phase but they grew up. like sorry but you dont just get to usse other other kids for your growth. like its such a white mindset to objectify others like that. and kids of color and intellectually disabled kids are already subjected to enough w/o being treated like. idk almost like pets and then being told, "its just a joke" we didnt hurt you that bad, get over it etc. like no i will always be angry about that shit. and you cant hide behind symptoms either not only bc life doesn't work like that but also. the ppl they did that shit too had the same symptoms they did. they can't be like " you just don't get it you don't understand my struggle" bc we dealt with the same shit and didnt use it to abuse our peers.

Yeah that makes total sense! Also not as extreme (though it's connected imo) I noticed a lot of cluster Bs (and not always white but I'd say it's majority white) tend to fall pretty heavily into exclusionism and harassing other mentally ill people + systems and such because of that "I'm reclaiming being evil(tm) by being an asshole to everyone" phase and yeah the like. complete dismissal of their "bullying phases" as if that wasn't also intense bigotry that they need to unpack lmao. Like I feel like a lot of them go like "oh well I'm different now" and then turn around and are like "ok but I can be racist and also ableist as hell against anyone I want as long as I have a justification for it such as they're inconveniencing me <3"

And then there's the equally bad flipside that's like. The goddamn obnoxious thing white NDs do (that I very much did in the past and absolutely have to take accountability for cause it's cringe as all fuck of me/srs) where they're all like "i'm so Nice being too nice and empathetic and sweet and kind is my whole personality haha" and then when they're racist and someone points it out they're like hhow could u :((( my rsd is going off!!!! :(((((( im always so nice to everyone how dare you. And it's like please shut the fuck up if you were genuinely a kind person you wouldn't have to reassure everyone and yourself every other minute and you'd be actually listening when people are uncomfortable around you.

I guess either way it's just that white people are raised thinking that we deserve to be coddled and that the privilege we have is somehow something we earned or something we're owed when it's so very much not lmfao

And yeah!!! Like it's actually so goddamn infuriating that we're always like "well you don't know what it's like!!!!!!" as if POC aren't often neurodivergent and also like they don't go through things that we will never have any semblance of a clue about just because of the way that racism and ableism intersect. Like just? the audacity that a lot of white nds have to act like mental illness and neurodivergency is a white people thing or like it somehow cancels out their privilege and like it's not entirely our responsibility to make sure that mentally ill and neurodivergent people of color aren't being silenced/talked over in our spaces. ESPECIALLY when so much of the rights we have now we owe entirely to y'all like it's really ungrateful and cringy.

Like the state of the wider nd community and especially the cluster b community is honestly just fucking embarassing and I think a lot of that is due to racism and that's not really surprising since so many forms of bigotry are directly tied to it in the first place. Like it's just a lot and I can't even imagine what it must feel like to have to bear the brunt of that.

All that said I hope that you're able to take care of yourself/g and that you have the support that you need you deserve so much better than you've gotten from us that's for sure/srs

[crash-hawk]

On the current shitstorm, complicated feelings, and Taking a Third Option

I haven't really spoken much about the allegations surrounding Dream and the effect that it's had on the MCYT community. As it currently stands, my position is essentially True Neutrality. I have no dog in this fight, and I don't plan to adopt one. Not now, at least, and maybe not ever. And initially, I was perfectly comfortable not talking about why. My anxiety, though, has finally started to break through to the point that I feel like I need to, if for no other reason than to wrestle my RSD demons into some semblance of submission.

Two nights ago, a very close IRL friend of mine, one of the two who got me into both Minecraft in general and MCYT in particular, made a similar statement to mine, discussing her neutral stance on the matter and giving her reasons for it. She was immediately attacked by people supporting both Dream and his accusers, to the point that she had to lock her Twitter for a day. Ultimately, she ended up more bemused than anything else, but seeing the language that was used against her upset me deeply.

This is going to be my only statement on this issue. I am neutral, and plan to remain neutral, but I want to emphasize as much as possible that all of the feelings that I have seen expressed here by the community after the allegations hit the 'net are valid.

The #1 reason that I have chosen neutrality with regards to the allegations themselves is that I do not believe any of this is my business. To paraphrase the old copypasta, I do not know these people IRL, and I don't feel that there is any way that this situation can resolve in a good or satisfying manner by the very nature of it playing out on social media, which I believe is inherently, dangerously unreliable. It fucking sucks.

Short of death threats or other grossly inappropriate behavior, I do not intend to shame, unfollow, or otherwise cut ties with any of my friends here in the MCYT community regardless of what position they take. I do understand if others choose to cut ties with me, although this is honestly the thing I fear the most.

I have massive, massive respect for those who have expressed their feelings of anger, betrayal, sadness, or disgust in a fan community that can be incredibly toxic. However, I also have a lot of respect for those that have said "I'm not going to jump to conclusions or take this at face value." My own emotions regarding the matter are complicated and not clearly defined right now.

I am not angry or upset about yesterday's livestream with Technoblade's father. It's pretty obvious to me that this event was planned well in advance, and that nobody involved would have had any way to predict that the allegations would come out so close in timing. The stream itself came off as overwhelmingly kind, genuine, and respectful. I do understand, though, why many people felt extremely uncomfortable about the timing and with Dream's presence in the stream.

I don't expect any other CCs to make a statement about their stance on the matter. They are human people, and they don't owe me that. They'll address the situation, or not, in their own time.

I've been a lot farther on the Hermitcraft and adjacent series side of the fandom than the DSMP side for a long time now. However, I still enjoy the story and the characters, and for right now, I feel like I can still enjoy them. I won't fault anyone for either feeling the same, or for feeling like they can't anymore.

I do not believe that ANYONE on the internet should be trying to prove or disprove the allegations. It isn't helpful to victim or accused, and it isn't going to bring anyone closure. I also don't believe it's my place to try to guess at the motivations behind the actions of the parties involved. If I'm going to be perfectly honest, I don't want to know.

A final note: for me, the thing that I've noticed that has left me taken aback has been the level of raw anger, directed not necessarily at the parties involved in the allegations, but by members of the community at other members of the community, whether it be in support of Dream or the women who came forward with the allegations. (As an aside, I am a crotchety old bird who hates 95% of internet social culture with a barely repressed fervor, and I think the whole "stan"/"anti" dichotomy is unbelievably weird and harmful, but that's a whole other can of worms.) This situation sucks on every single possible level. Please try to remember to be kind.

#tw: discourse #tw: dream situation

[gayfishermanfive]

my friend replied. and i’m.. overwhelmed. i guess? 

i didn’t know it was rsd at the time, but my rsd caused issues in a past friendship. and basically i ended up getting completely shit on bc i was getting hurt bc someone was ignoring me. and i was kinda expecting the same thing, i think?

just like. a fuckin’ callout or something. or expecting them to shit on me.

but they didn’t. i’ve done nothing wrong. they’ve been busy and not feeling social.

and even tho there’s a part of my brain that STILL hurts, cos my other friend still hasn’t talked to me. it’s. something.

at least i’m not hated. at least i’ve not done something wrong.

and i’m just gonna. ignore steam for a while too. cos that keeps triggering rsd too and like. yeah. i’m not gonna go on it. just gonna like. pretend it doesn’t exist.

i’m just. relieved. i cried when i saw it. but i’m relieved now. hopefully rsd will back off a bit ;w;

#cos my friends have still been like playing together #and that hurts #but its none of my fucking business so... just gonna remove myself from that before it gets worse #rsd #rejection sensitive dysphoria #jump speaks #jump is depressed #rsd can fuck off honestly #let me have this #theyre not angry at me #i didnt do anything wrong #just. let me have that reassurance dammit #i want to just like #be emotionally stable pls #adhd and depression can fuck off #fuckin #toxic duo SDMDFLKDS

[badcountryofficial]

Boyfriend w a low sex drive: yeah idk if I could look at ANYTHING and go "ohh that's HOT" like it's just not something I feel?? It's more aesthetic, like you're REALLY aesthetically pleasing to me, you know that, but I just don't find things hot. It's more like something that I'd like to do for you, yknow? :)

My mentally ill traumatized brain that places way too much emphasis on being fuckable and desirable, thinking I'm only valid if I'm wanted physically: you hate Flynny? You think he is ugly??? You think he is not hot??? Ohoho!!!! Jail for boyfriend!!!! Jail for ONE THOUSA—

Me, hitting my brain with a baseball bat: yeah no I get it!!!

#the one (1) thing that's gonna be hard for me to deal w in this honestly #everything else can be discussed but this is just like. one area that's???? we're not super compatible #but it's mainly my own issues yk #like i need to work on understanding that that issssssssss. not. i shouldnt be placing SO MUCH emphasis on it #idk what's wrong w me #i learned that some ppl would wanna fuck me and i LOST IT #and was like 'FINALLY I HAVE WORTH' #and now there's someone who REALLY loves ME as a person #but doesnt DeSiRe me and i'm like 'well what's the point' like oh my god shut UP #anyway obviously die and explode if u rb this jfjfjfjfkf #rbs will be shivved and promptly blocked #i just think it's interesting #we had this conversation the other night and my rsd went OFF

[eliemo]

Little Talks

Summary: As Logan starts spending more time with the Duke in an effort to keep him under control, Remus has to come to terms with the fact that the way he treated Logan may have caused lasting damage after all.

TWs: RSD, violent thoughts, strong language, blood mention (it's Remus, what did you expect)

Pairings: Developing friendship. Can be seen as platonic or romantic Intrulogical

Notes: Thank you to @cheshirevalentine for helping me create and edit this. They're amazing and I love them dearly. Their AO3 is here!

Having Logan in his room was… weird.

Remus had known it was going to be happening. Logan had made the offer to stop by Remus’s room and let the Duke bounce his ideas off of someone. He’d let Remus ramble, listen to the flood of intrusive thoughts and gory, outrageous ideas, all so that Thomas wouldn’t have to.

Remus had cheerfully referred to Logic as his “test subject” the first time he’d come in, laughing outright at the way Logan’s face had screwed up in indignation.

He didn’t really plan on actually doing anything to Logan, despite the incredibly dangerous position the light side had put himself into. He mostly just talked, reciting each and every thought that came to his head in detail, watching to see if he could get an entertaining reaction out of the ever-stoic Logan Sanders.

It didn’t really work. Logan was stupidly boring with his stuffy clothes and perfect schedule and condescending eyebrow raises. He didn’t say much the first few times he stopped by, their “talks” only lasting ten-to-fifteen minutes at most, but after a week he seemed to warm up to the idea of talking to Remus a little.

He’d ask questions- ask where Remus had gotten an idea, or ask him to expand on a particularly disturbing thought- and while Remus didn’t always have an answer, it was nice to not be completely shoved aside and ignored for once. Besides, Remus always thought of the best answers to those sorts of things on the spot. He liked the challenge of having to think on his feet.

It was still weird, though. But Logan kept showing up, day after day, and Remus could almost pretend he wasn’t the only one enjoying their talks.

He knew that Logan didn’t want to be here, of course. Their meetings were on his calendar, so it was obviously an obligation. He was doing it so Thomas could get some sleep, and Remus could be a little less of a burden. Of course.

Remus had only only expected it to last a few days, if he was honest. A week at most. He knew he was a lot to deal with, especially alone, and he knew it would only be a matter of time until Logan decided it was all too much and forgot all about their little “arrangement”.

But Logan came back the next week, and the week after that, and soon fifteen minutes turned into twenty, then thirty, and some days he even stayed almost a whole hour.

Remus found he actually felt a little less agitated after Logan left, his head just a tiny bit more quiet. Tormenting Thomas was the closest thing he’d ever had to talking things out, and it was a little discouraging when the reactions were either horrified screams, insults, or pretending he didn’t exist.

Logan actually listened. He listened and engaged.

Remus loved Janus. And Deceit did what he could, but he didn’t have the same tolerance as Logan did for some of the gross things Remus came up with.

Maybe Logic would be open to dissecting something with him sometime…?

-

He should have known it wouldn’t last. Nobody stuck around Remus very long. He always did something to fuck it up.

He really should have known the way he’d treated Logan when he’d first made his appearance would be a problem. Logic separated himself from the Imagination, the side grounded deeply in reality, but a lack of lasting damage didn’t mean it hadn’t happened.

Remus had still hurt Logan to prove a point. And then had promptly moved on and forgotten about it until the next time it was brought up. Sometimes object permanence- or lack thereof- was a pain in the ass.

Remus had been ranting as usual, pacing around his room while Logan watched from the chair. He honestly couldn’t even remember what he was talking about, his mouth moving without much thought as it tended to do.

Whatever it was, he’d gotten worked up and excited, pacing the room, waving and flapping his arms as he talked, smile bright and mischievous and he whirled back to face Logan and-

And Logan flinched back, squeezing his eyes shut as his hands clutched the arm of his chair, shoulders hunched protectively.

It only lasted a second, Logan quickly pulling himself together and compulsively smoothing his tie once again. He seemed to do that when he was trying to pretend he was collected, Remus had noticed. His shoulders uncurled as he leaned forward again, but he wouldn’t quite look Remus in the eyes.

“Continue,” Logan said, when he realized Remus had stopped talking. “You were rambling about...something objectively disgusting.”

“I’m not stupid, you know.” Remus said, crossing his arms and ignoring the stupid, pointless hurt that blossomed in his chest when Logan couldn’t even recall what Remus had been saying. “I saw that.”

Logan blinked, staring at the Duke blankly. “Saw what?”

“You flinched.”

Logan scoffed, adjusting his glasses to avoid meeting Remus’s eyes. Again. “I did no such thing.”

“No, you did. I saw it.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Logan said, jumping right back into that emotionless facade he was so obsessed with. “Are you going to continue?”

Remus couldn’t even remember what he’d been talking about, his head flooded with images of Logan flinching away, eyes wide in terror, scrambling to get away.

Logan with a throwing star embedded in his forehead, with his mouth full of blood, crimson dripping down his forehead and chin, seeping into his pristine clothes and staining his tie. The thoughts seemed to dip into that spiral they always went down, swirling down the metaphorical drain pipe into his metaphorical pit-of-sewage excuse for a brain.

“No,” Remus said, shaking the thoughts away for the moment. Like stirring the cesspool a little so all the muck settled to the bottom. Metaphorically. “I’m good.”

Logan sighed, and Remus stepped away as the logical side stood up from his chair. “Then we’re done for the day.”

“Bye then.”

If there was one thing Remus was good at, it was pretending not to be bothered by the little things, by the way everyone perceived him. He was a terror and a burden, and he enjoyed it. It was funny! He didn’t care if he was liked, intrusive thoughts were never liked.

Remus flopped down on his bed, watching Logan’s back as he left. He was moving quickly, almost panicked, slipping out the door and closing it shut behind him.

Remus didn’t care if the stupid light sides liked him. He never had. But Logan… Logan was scared. Of him.

Scaring people was never the goal. Making Logan flinch like Remus was going to hurt him was never the goal.

Logan would deny it to his grave, of course. He was stupidly stubborn like that, somehow more stubborn than even Remus at times.

He’d insist that Logic had never felt a revolting feeling like fear in his life. He had no feelings on the matter, and Remus couldn’t frighten him because Logan had no feelings at all. Not enjoyment, not dislike, and not fear. Remus was another obligation on his schedule. Something to attend to. Nothing more.

And while Remus knew all of that was true… he also knew Logan was full of shit. He had feelings. His feelings might even be stronger than Patton’s or Roman’s. (Though it was doubtful. Weepy bitches they were- far too emotional for Remus’s tastes.)

And he was afraid of Remus. He’d made that perfectly clear today.

He… didn’t know how to fix that. His job wasn’t to fix problems. He made the problems. It’s better to start now than to never start at all, he supposed.

Well, obviously he had to start by finding a new coping mechanism. Logan was helpful, and possibly the healthiest outlet Remus had ever had, but he wouldn’t force someone who was terrified of him to come sit in his room and listen to him talk about guts and gore for an hour. He would have to find something to do in place of their talks.

A part of him doubted Logan would even come back again. Remus had caught him flinching, and with Remus’s reputation he wouldn’t be surprised if Logan assumed he would use the fear to his advantage.

And yeah, maybe under different circumstances he would have. Scaring people was fun but… not like this.

But that was fine, he could readjust to being alone. He’d done it before. He could lock himself in the Imagination, annoy Janus until he finally snapped and drove him away, maybe even pay Thomas another visit if he really got desperate.

He wasn’t disappointed. He’d gone his whole life without Logan’s company, he had no reason to miss it. It wasn’t fair to miss something he had barely begun to get used to. Logan was annoying and boring and stuck up, and Remus didn’t know why he enjoyed his company in the first place.

Not that he enjoyed it. He didn’t. He didn’t care.

He spent all night feeding himself those repeating lies, preparing to entertain himself all on his own tomorrow, so he was almost more annoyed than surprised when Logan walked right into his room the next day, same time as always.

Remus sat up in bed, watching in disbelief as Logan made his way to the chair and set his notebook on the table, settling in like nothing had changed.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

Logan looked up at him, hands folded neatly in his lap. “I said I would make an effort to see you everyday. I put it in my schedule. If I’m not going to be able to make it, I will inform you the day before.”

“Oh,” Remus said, not bothering to move from the bed. “Well, that’s boring and predictable.”

“I prefer to have a schedule rather than do things on a whim. And I’m here now.”

“Yes,” Remus said, shifting to stare blankly at the wall beside Logan’s head. He bet he could spit that far if he really tried. “You are.”

There was a beat of silence that didn’t often exist in Remus’s room. Usually he would start talking right away about whatever late night thoughts he’d been plagued with, chatting on excitedly until Logan cut in to add something dumb and nerdy.

Remus didn’t plan on breaking the silence this time, choosing to sit and quietly dwell on his thoughts on his own, smirking at the utterly baffled look on Logan’s face.

Logan cleared his throat, frowning slightly. “What’s on your mind?”

“Lot’s of things!”

“Are you going to talk about them?” Logan asked. “That is why I’m here.”

“Nah.” He hated this, hated the way Logan was pretending to care, like he didn’t want to get up right now and run as far away from Remus as possible. Just like everyone else. “Intrusive thoughts aren’t always words, Nerdy Wolverine.”

He saw Logan shift uncomfortably, eyes darting briefly to the door, and Remus realized that might not have been the best way to phrase things.

“Ah,” Logan said, sitting back like he wasn’t terrified. “You can always show me instead. That is what I’m here for.”

“I’m good,” Remus said, doing his best to sound uncaring. “It’s gross.”

“Yes, I’m aware it probably is.” Another beat of silence and Logan sighed, standing from his chair. “Remus. The point of me being here is to keep Thomas’s intrusive thoughts under control. We’ve discussed this.”

And Remus knew Logan didn’t actually enjoy Remus’s company, he’d known that from the beginning, but it still hurt to hear. It hurt something fierce, a deep, sharp slash in his chest that he would swear he could feel, that he was just something to “keep under control”.

He pushed the feeling down, flashing Logan a toothy grin that he knew looked ridiculously fake. “Okay.”

Logan sighed again, pushing up his glasses to pinch the bridge of his nose. Remus wondered if he could frustrate Logic into storming out. “I’m here to help you.”

“I don’t need your help.”

“You do,” Logan argued, like he had any idea. “Surely talking to someone is better than being alone with your thoughts,”

Remus scowled, shoving himself off the bed and stalking past Logan, moving towards one of the various piles of rubble and bones scattered around his room. He bet Logan hated how cluttered it was in here.

“At least my thoughts don’t pretend to care about me.”

Remus kicked idly at something that looked a bit like a spine, staring blankly at the floor as he let his words settle.

“What?” Logan sounded genuinely confused for the first time. “What does that mean?”

“Hm?” Remus glanced over his shoulder, grinning. “What did I say?”

Logan stepped forward, shoes clicking against the floor, echoing against the now silent room. “I do not understand why you’re suddenly being difficult.”

“Suddenly?”

“Yes, suddenly,” Logan said, and Remus turned away again with an eye roll. “We had an arrangement.”

“Did we?”

“Yes.” Logan touched his arm, and Remus yanked away so fast he thought he might have pulled something. “This is beneficial for everyone.”

“Right,” Remus scoffed. “For everyone.”

Logan actually had the audacity to look taken aback, brow drawing in further confusion. “Yes? You have an outlet, and Thomas gets a break.”

“I don’t need it. I can bash skulls in the Imagination.”

“Which is significantly more unhealthy.”

Remus shrugged, kicking another bone until it slammed into the wall. “It’s easy and fun.”

“We were doing fine,” Logan said, trying to move around him so Remus would meet his gaze. “I thought coming in to talk to you was helping.”

“You don’t care,” Remus snapped. “And you don’t want to listen.”

“I want to,” Logan said. “That is why I’m here.”

“Right.”

“I am incredibly busy, Remus,” Logan said, and Remus felt like he was being lectured. “I would not be here if I didn’t want to be.”

“Then get gone!” Remus spun around gesturing to the door. “Just fucking leave already!”

“I think I’d prefer to stay.”

“You said you’re busy,” Remus snarled. “If you’re so busy you don’t need to carve out time for me.”

“I chose to.”

“Thomas can live with intrusive thoughts,” Remus said. “He’ll be fine. Patton and Virgil will ease up eventually. You should be focused on them.”

“I have been.” Logan was still staring at him, and at this point Remus was considering storming out of his own room. “I have time for you.”

“I thought you were busy,” Remus argued, back to being difficult on purpose. “Which is it? Are you busy or do you have time?”

Logan sighed, and now Remus felt like a child throwing a tantrum. “I’ve made time. I’m making time for you.”

“Right.”

“I don’t understand what changed,” Logan said. “I thought you were getting some enjoyment out of our talks.”

“Yeah, I was,” Remus admitted because despite everything, that was the truth. “But you aren’t.”

It took a moment for Logan to respond, no less confused than before. “I am perfectly content.”

“Yeah?” Remus finally turned around to face him, looking the logical side right in the eyes. “Then why did you flinch?”

Logan blinked, shoulders tense, a mix of panic and understanding flickering in his eyes. “I...did not flinch.”

“Yes, you did. Don’t lie.”

It was Logan’s turn to scoff, like Remus was being ridiculous and dramatic. And he often was, but he was serious this time. “I don’t see how one involuntary movement has become such a big deal.”

Remus didn’t look away, even as Logan’s eyes began to wander. “You’re afraid of me.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Logan said. “I do not feel fear.”

“Yes you do.” Remus stepped closer, taking in the way Logan’s jaw clenched. “You have feelings.”

“No I don’t.”

“You do.”

“You’re figuratively jumping to conclusions,” Logan said, quickly changing the subject. “I am perfectly content spending time with you.”

“I’m not jumping to anything,” Remus said. “You’re scared.”

Logan rolled his eyes, hands lifting to brush over his tie before crossing his arms across his chest. Compulsory comfort action.

“You think you saw me flinch once and now you believe that I’m afraid of you, when there is no logical reason to be. You cannot cause any lasting damage to me, so I—”

Remus lifted a hand without warning, fast and sudden like he was going to strike Logan, keeping it frozen in the air as he took in the reaction before him.

Logan flinched back as soon as Remus moved, his own hands moving to protect his face, eyes glued to Remus’s raised arm, widening in genuine fear and shock.

Remus sighed, slowly lowering his hand as he watched Logan struggle to compose himself. “You’re afraid of me.”

“No,” Logan still had the audacity to argue. “I am not.”

“You flinched.”

Logan fixed his tie again. Remus knew it was some kind of nervous tic. “You startled me.”

“I lifted my hand.”

“Yes,” Logan agreed. “Unexpectedly.”

Remus sighed and stepped back out of Logan’s space, too tired to keep arguing.

“I’m not going to hurt you.” He winced at his own words, images flashing in his mind of Logan stumbling backwards with wide eyes, of Logan covered in blood, of Patton screaming. “Not again, anyway.”

“Well,” Logan said, carefully clearing his throat. “You can understand that I wasn’t exactly…sure. That does not mean I dislike you. Or that I’m frightened of you.”

Remus found himself looking at his shoes, trying and failing to get images of Logan hurt, Logan dying, out of his stupid cesspool sewage pipe head.

He wondered if this was what guilt felt like. If it was, maybe he should start being nicer to Patton. This sucked dick and balls.

“I won’t.”

“And I appreciate that,” Logan said. “But you could not cause any lasting damage to me anyway.”

“So? It still, like… hurt you. I’m not gonna do it again.”

“Well then, I have no reason to be afraid.” Logan straightened, smiling at Remus like that had just solved everything. “Which I wasn’t in the first place.”

Remus’s eyes narrowed. “You flinched.”

“Yes I did,” Logan admitted. “I apologize for that. I can assure you it won’t happen again.”

Remus didn’t move, staring at Logan in disbelief, at a loss for words for the first time in his life. He hoped the exhaustion on his face resembled a glare at least a little bit.

“I don’t… understand,” Logan said, and Remus couldn't even stay mad at him. “Was an apology not what you wanted?”

“No, Logan. I don’t want anything.”

Logan tilted his head slightly, brow furrowed, and Remus could practically see the gears turning as he looked Remus over. “You’re still upset.”

“Why’re you still here?” Remus finally demanded, throwing his arms out in exasperation. “If you’re afraid of me why don’t you just leave?”

Logan blinked, seemingly unfazed. “Because I enjoy talking to you.”

Logic may as well have just punched him right in the chest, the air leaving his lungs in a rush as he took a step back, choking out a shocked laugh. “That can’t be it.”

Logan frowned. “Why not?”

“Nobody enjoys talking to me.”

“Well,” Logan said slowly, and it was like Remus could see some of his walls coming down. “If it helps, no one particularly enjoys talking to me, either.”

Remus wasn’t entirely convinced that was true, but he figured he wasn’t the right one to give Logan a talk on self esteem.

“I like talking to you,” he said instead. “I just think you’re kinda stuffy.”

“I enjoy talking to you as well,” Logan said, and it really did sound like he meant it. “I would just prefer if your more violent thoughts were not physically manifested.”

“Oh.” Remus swallowed, absolutely refusing to show Logic how much this meant to him. He wasn’t going to cry. “Yeah, I can...do that. Sure.”

“Then I’m glad we could come to an understanding,” Logan said, right back to the stiff, professional persona Remus was learning to see right through. “I’m not afraid of you.”

Remus nodded, and realized he was actually starting to believe him this time. “Yeah. Ok. That’s good.”

Logan stepped back out of Remus’s space and Remus quickly did the same, the two of them standing on opposite sides of the Duke’s now painfully silent bedroom.

“I can leave,” Logan said after a moment. “If you’d still like me to.”

Remus hesitated, fighting to keep acting like he didn’t care. “Do you want to leave?”

“Not particularly,” Logan said, and Remus hadn’t expected to feel so relieved. “But it’s your room. I don’t want to intrude.”

“You’re not.” Remus moved back to his bed, dropping himself unceremoniously onto his back. “Don’t leave if you don’t want to. I don’t care.”

“Then I’ll stay.”

Logan pulled up his usual chair, leaning back comfortably as he picked his notebook back up and began flipping idly through it. He looked content and relaxed when Remus risked a glance in his direction, and he smiled to himself.

“You can talk if you like,” Logan said, glancing up from the pages. “I’m listening.”

Remus did eventually start talking, dumping his latest ideas on Logan like he usually did, diving into last night’s fantasy of setting an office building on fire in the middle of the week.

Logan had added on, and Remus had listened intently as he’d recited statistics and calculations, the likelihood of survival, and the two of them eventually decided it would be a waste of time, the fire likely to be put out before even causing any real damage to the building.

That was a talent Logan had. He could get Remus to let go of a thought that typically wouldn’t have left him alone for weeks.

It wasn’t until Logan had stood up to leave for dinner, promising he’d be back at the same time tomorrow, that Remus realized Logan had stayed twice as long as he usually did.

Huh.

Weird.

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #remus sanders #logan sanders #platonic intrulogical #intrulogical #hurt/comfort #ts remus #ts logan #blood mention tw #violence mention tw #fanfiction #writing

[sepublic]

Through the Looking Glass Ruins!!!!!

         …

         SO! Onto other things first…

         WRATH IS BRAXAS’ FATHER!??!!? HOLY SHIT, Wrath is a canonical dad, I’d always expressed my… OH MY GOD WRATH IS DAD! And of BRAXAS, that sweetie… How is Braxas such a sweetie with a father like HIM, also-

         Wrath was in casual wear? Either he has a day off, or he got fired by Belos/Kikimora after drawing Luz a map to Eda in Young Blood, Old Souls! Either way this guy has a sudden new level of NUANCE that I am reeling from, and yes I checked, that really is Wrath according to the credits! Dang this puts everything in a WHOLE new light…!

         AMITY HAIR OHMIGOD IT LOOKS SO ADORABLE SHE’S SELF-ACTUALIZING I AM FUCKING SCREAMING HOLY SHIT OH MY GOD!!! OH MY GOD OH MY GOD, it’s PINK and not green… They acknowledged it, Emira did! And they CHANGED IT I AM LOSING MY FUCKING MIND OVER THIS-

         She looks so BEAUTIFUL and I love the kind of foreshadowing with the bookends of our first shot of Amity having her hair down, and now it’s changed! And she looks adorable and EMIRA AND EDRIC BEING GREAT SIBLINGS I LOVE IT SO MUCH! This… THIS is everything I wanted! I was resigned to not much of them but HELL YEAH they’re being good siblings and we get a look at their rooms, we see them doing MAKEOVERS together this is everything from my favorite fanon content and MORE,

         Also Edric has a date?! Emira says ‘their’ mom… Unless the Golden Guard has a mom, DARN! Not gonna lie, I half-expected a big twist at the end that Edric was dating the Golden Guard, who was doing some sort of reconnaissance as his unrecognized normal self and/or screwing around with the Blights even further, but in a GENUINE sense… But then who knows Kikimora could be posing as GG’s ‘mom’, this is a stretch anyhow-

         JUST HELL YEAH Blight Twins! Blight Twins being sweet and mischievous and supportive of each other, Blight SIBLINGS being siblings, Emira being an older sister and giving advice! And AMITY, Amity mentioning how much Luz has changed stuff, I love that they acknowledge it openly how her life has completely shifted, and now… NOW…!

         No necklace! Red leggings! PINK HAIR?! Is this why Amity in the intro hasn’t been updated yet… She was getting TWO updates, so the animators decided to only animate a change after this final update?!

         King and Gus are also friends it seems, and they even recorded some fun together! I’m surprised at how much Bria and the others mock Gus’ illusion skills… Obviously Belos is kinda terrible but like; I don’t think he’d set aside an entire subset of magic into Illusions without reason! Also that nightmare trip… I LOVE IT, I love Gus applying the creativity of illusions in their ability to completely warp and distort someone’s sense of reality! And I called that dragon-thing being an illusion!

         A graveyard… I wonder if the Gallderstones (is that how it’s spelled) have any relevance or if they’re just neat? I hope Mattholomule and Gus help hide the Looking Glass Graveyard… Damn, that’s another Death reference with Gus, huh! Is it culminating in his respect for the dead, or will it continue further with Gus being a necromancer, or an Oracle who can commune with the deceased, and he has their respect as someone who treats them properly?!

         Also not to get dark but… What if all those Illusionists are dead because of Belos? I’m JUST SAYING…! And not gonna lie, every time someone insulted Illusions, I kept imagining the Illusion Head just suddenly waking up and feeling like there’s a disturbance in the force, as well as a weird compulsion to beat up some Glandus kids. It’d be even funnier if he had beef with the Construction, Plant, and Abomination Heads as well!

         Speaking of which, more confirmation on Construction Magic being related to earth! Glad to see Bria give us a look into that, which furthers my idea of Belos using construction magic… Also dang, Bria and the Glandus Kids really are the parallels/foils to the Detention kids! You’ve got the short ‘nice’ girl, the tall lanky kid, the furry… But the Glandus Kids start off looking nice and cool, but turn out to be rather nasty!

         Meanwhile the Detention Kids seem like bad news and delinquents, but no! They’re just demonized and actually very kind and chill! The Detention Kids are looked down upon, the Glandus Kids are appraised… The Detention Kids are dual-track, the Glandus Kids are singular; Glandus Kids from, well, GLANDUS, Detention Kids from Hexside… One’s ‘mischief’ is actually very neat and cool, the other’s is literal grave robbing.

         I guess that’s how the bleeding statues got past the censors- It’s technically just an illusion! Also more insight into how Glandus works with its Survival of the Fittest mentality, I wonder if we’ll get confirmation on which coven heads came from there, how that might influence them as adults…

         What is Glandus like, is it more whole-heartedly accepting of Belos’ rule, hence its harsh ideals? Was it made after Hexside? Does Bump hate it for being so cruel like that, or is it just school bias? And dang poor Mattholomule, I always had a feeling he sort of felt and knew that he wasn’t much, so he accepted and compensated by deliberately doing whatever he can for power…

         They confirmed he’s from Glandus, and I appreciate this new look at him! This new leaf turned… Hot take but he’s honestly not as bad as Boscha, his stint with Gus was a one-time thing that Gus was able to live with! And that seems pretty good to set them up as friends! Speaking of Boscha, Willow was injured by pixies? And the last time we heard of pixies, they belonged to Boscha and caused the school to get shut down… Did BOSCHA DO THIS I SWEAR SHE IS DEAD TO ME-

         (Also she’s mentioned in the credits for this episode but I don’t remember hearing her? I might’ve gotten distracted with so much other things.)

         Gus! I like the insight into his relationship with Illusions, and I appreciate how he’s considering other forms of magic… But this hesitation might just serve to reaffirm his believe in Illusions, which is okay! It’s all about choice… And yeah, it seems Gus also has a case of impostor syndrome like King, no wonder they get along so well! I love the glimpses into Gus’ house and the confirmation that he has a library card, no Perry though alas…!

         I appreciate how Gus feels overlooked, like he has no real substance, which is how his Illusions reflect a desire to draw attention, but also the idea that there’s nothing real beneath them… Again, very much like King! And Gus, he’s not a powerhouse like the rest, he’s SKILLED and smart, but strength isn’t his forte, it’s not brute force he operates on, but cleverness! Trickery, I like it…! It’s a nice callback to his last A-plot episode, SVSF, where instead of fighting Mattholomule physically, Gus’ solution is to think outside the box and pull the alarm!

         You go kid, not relying on brute strength but showing that some clever tricks and thinking are just as valid! Kinda wonder if this episode is lowkey a discussion on masculinity for young boys, especially with Gus growing older with puberty, though the latter is mostly because his actual VA grew… But maybe the writers rolled with that and incorporated it, or it’s just a very neat coincidence! Also, it is me or did Mattholomule’s voice change? And the gag that Gavin’s dad looks identical to him, even moreso because he’s NOT supposed to have a moustache… That’s great!

         Malphas! Love this reference to a classic demon, I wasn’t sure if Malphas was the librarian with glasses whom I’ve always headcanoned as a father figure to Amity… But maybe it’s actually this bird dude! He seems adept in Bard magic, and I love the reveal of his true crow appearance… Guess those theorists were right that the one-eyed figure is from the Forbidden Stacks! Also Malphas NOT COOL with Amity, but I’m glad Luz changed his mind, and I wonder how that adventure looked…

         Which- DAMN, the RSD with Luz! She looks so UTTERLY BROKEN when Amity mentions doing stupid things, and she didn’t mean it like that, but Luz just looks so completely shattered and you can tell she wants to cry but instead she bottles it up and tries to take it in stride, and that plays into her trying to overcompensate for her mistakes AGAIN… SOMEONE GET IT TO HER HEAD that she doesn’t need to! I’m scared for Luz, and I was SO scared this episode would end on a bad note…

         BUT DOAHLDdFAEONDKFHN LUMITY KISS LUMITY KISS! ONE-SIDED BUT THEY FINALLY FUCKING KNOW AND AMITY IS LIKE WHAAAAT AND I WAS WAITING FOR IT AND I COULD FEEL IT HAPPEN AND GAY KISS! GAY KISS ON-SCREEN!!! And the way Luz just FLOPS to the ground on her knees AAHJJFFKHGGK and no Alador nor Odalia to ruin this, UTTERLY PERFECT and the twins WATCHING OOOHHHHGGGG YYYEEAAAAHHH-

         This is EVERYTHING I ever wanted!

         What an AMAZING episode with wonderful characer beats and reveals! Again, Amity’s growth as a character, that brief insight into how Luz as a person is very chaotic and sometimes frustrating for Amity and forces her to reevaluate, but ultimately it’s good and Luz DOES try her best, and Amity clearly wanted to make things up for Luz and apologize, they’re BOTH doing things, just the little moments!

         Also, Alex Lawther voices Philip Wittebane! He has long hair and a vaguely british accent, he’s… He’s Belos isn’t he? And they got a new VA because having him voiced by Matthew Rhys would be really spoiler-y right? He’s got the long hair and he’s a nerd… And with how he talks of finding a way back home, maybe Belos really DOES just want to return home, after all? He talks of making a way back home…

         And we see a glimpse of the Portal, so it might’ve brought him there? Or did Philip succeed in making it, and that was his blueprint designs? Did he arrive by Titan’s Blood? What happened to the portal if it brought him there, or if he made it? Why the scar, why near Eda’s house, partially buried?

         Was it lost before he could finish his work, and Philip got side-tracked into something else… Perhaps going on a crusade, on behalf of a curse/demon that possessed him? A demon that killed King’s father…? Was the portal broken and he had to discard it, but then it naturally healed- Or did it just need to recharge, maybe Philip DID make it back home, WHAT IS THE ANSWER?! Is there some sort of doppelganger for Philip, is BELOS his doppelganger?! What is THIS WHAT-

         WHAT AN EPISODE!

#the owl house #lumity #the owl house gus #augustus porter #the owl house mattholomule #the owl house luz #luz noceda #the owl house amity #amity blight #the owl house bria #the owl house gavin #the owl house angmar #the owl house malphas #the owl house wrath #warden wrath #the owl house braxas #the owl house philip #philip wittebane #speculation #analysis #the owl house spoilers #spoilers #toh spoilers

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 3083

today i helped my mom clean up the house from christmas stuff. we got about half of it put away. there's a lot left though.

the rest of the day was a blur. like, i worked on my résumé (i think) and i wrote (i think) and i did some laundry (that i remember) and i helped my mom move things (i think). but honestly i remember asking my sister about what food she and james might want next week. that's the one thing i remember with any sort of clarity. along with my brain feeling itchy. yknow when your brain is a jet-powered hamster wheel or whatever. mental inertia is what i've always called it. i think it's really called executive dysfunction. but honestly i have no idea. my brain was itchy and i had to scratch it. what i ended up doing was watching a few episodes of a new tv show with my mom around dinner time.

that mental inertia really kills me. i know i need to get shit done. but my brain is sitting still, like a turbo-powered ferrari on perfectly slick ice. firing at a thousand miles a second but unable to move and do anything. executive dysfunction is a bitch. it explains everything.

the snow outside didn't help, but it was pretty. i stayed inside today. i know i did a lot. but i don't remember what it was.

but it's fine. now i have to figure out what my schedule will be like for the weekend and next week before i go back to work. sheesh.

i miss joel. i miss being at work. i am tired of being in between a person who cares too much and a person who doesn't care enough and are fully unable to communicate with each other without yelling. who are also unable to listen to criticism or undesirable commentary without going off the fucking deep end. like i get RSD. i have RSD. but do something about it, don't just let it eat you alive. that shit sucks.

christ i'm tired of this. someone give me a job in DC or reston that pays 95k a year so i can move out of this house.

#molly rambles #operation srr #osrr #3000s #3080s #sunshine boy

[deadpanwalking]

is rejection sensitive dysphoria even a real thing or did weirdos on the internet make it up i honestly can’t tell. as someone with adhd when i see those posts bemoaning that adhd comes with rsd that ruins our lives im like. does it though. Or is that just you.

There was a great post that I reblogged a few months ago pointing out how it's not dysphoria if it accurately reflects the lived experience of people with learning disabilities, which involves being rejected in the most insensitive ways imaginable by peers and authority figures (i.e. your bro calling your daring choice of propeller beanie stupid is going to hit different when your official diagnosis in school used to be known as Stupid Idiot Disease—as an adult, you gradually learn to pick up context clues and understand that some criticism can be constructive and your beanie is unfortunate). Pathologizing it by calling it a symptom kind of lets society off the hook for being assholes to non-NT kids. Like, if a dog barks at a car backfiring, is it Car-Rejection Dysphoria or is he on edge because your neighbor has spent the last three days setting off fireworks in the front yard?

I think emotional dysregulation is a real symptom! That's a huge thing for a lot of neurotypes—it's like a reaction that we learn to anticipate the same way we can with allergies that we've lived with all our lives: something sets us off, we lose our shit, we practice our DBT or stim or scream into a towel or go out for a smoke, we get back to the mortifying ordeal of playing Scrabble. Like, we're not always champs about it, but we're pros, you know? Who the fuck even needs another term like RSD to describe something like that—it's not only infantalizing, it's redundant.

#tl;dr there's some truth to it but like everything else that gets spread around by dipshits with picrew icons it's a useless framing #anonymous #assbox

[hiccanna-tidbits]

Autistic Hiccup x ADHD Anna Headcanons

SO I’ve been really into the whole Autistic x ADHD ship dynamic and Hiccanna...highkey fits??? Like y’all know I will die on my “Anna has ADHD” hill, but after reading this post by @hobie-brown I’m like wait, the autistic Hiccup headcanon is wonderful too??? And blends SO WELL with ADHD Anna??? And I absolutely HAD to explore it more so BOOM headcanon time! Another special thanks to @hobie-brown for writing the super lovely autistic Hiccup headcanon masterpost that inspired me to do this!

Disclaimer: I myself am not on the spectrum (part of the reason I’ve always felt a little weird about definitively HCing characters as autistic unless I see actual autistic people HC them that way too), so most of the stuff here is stuff I know secondhand from my autistic friends! I do have ADHD, so I can always promise that ADHD Anna will be 100% authentic XD

~Anna absolutely gets into Hiccup’s special interests to try and impress him. The most obvious one being, of course, dragons, but also dinosaurs (extinct dragons), lizards (tiny dragons), and Dungeons and Dragons (An RPG game that does, in fact, include dragons). Hiccup absolutely had that dragonology book as a kid and got obsessed with it beyond all reasonability. Hilariously, Anna’s wooing strategy of indulging his special interests works like a charm--mainly because a) he’s pretty flattered that someone takes THAT much of an interest in what he likes and b) half the time, ANNA finds that she genuinely gets into whatever said special interest is and finds them easy to hyperfixate on. It helps that the more she obsesses over it herself, the more she has to talk to Hiccup about XD

~Specifically, Anna definitely joins a DnD campaign at some point so that Hiccup will think she’s a “cool gamer girl”--and then gets unironically obsessed with it and starts writing 10-page backstories for all of her characters. She later tells Hiccup it started out as a ruse to win his heart via nerdiness, and he absolutely loses his shit laughing.

~One of their overlapping special interests/hyperfixations is high fantasy. Hiccup is, unsurprisingly, all about the mythical creatures while Anna is more into the magic and the zesty political drama, but you dun best believe they catch every CGI-ridden fantasy movie that ever comes out. They’ve both spent a literal fortune on fantasy movie tickets, even moreso on watching them in 3D or Imax. How embarrassing for both of them.

~Another less-obvious overlapping interest is history. Hiccup gets into it while looking into the cultural mythos of dragons (he’s pretty fascinated by the fact that so many cultures around the world thought up similar creatures independently), while Anna gets into it because she grew up cooped up bored and lonely in a big house, and entertained herself by looking into the history behind some of the family paintings. They don’t seem it at first, but they’re actually both huge medieval and ancient civilization history buffs.

~Hiccup is THE most touch-repulsed person you will ever meet. This is unfortunate, as he is also SUPER touch-starved and absolutely does not realize it (I mean, I’ve never gotten the vibe Stoic was the super huggy type, considering his and Hicc’s relationship in HTTYD 1). This means he has absolutely no fucking clue what to make of Anna when they first meet meet. Anna’s the sort of person to give physical affection pretty freely, especially if she likes you--usually in the form of hugs, arm pats or playful swats, putting her elbow on your shoulder, etc etc. Hiccup is kinda just like “this is way too much touching but like??? I kinda like having her this close to me??? What do???”

~Anna, meanwhile, notices that Hiccup kinda stiffens up whenever she touches him and seems to not be crazy about it and she’s just immediately like “yo what’s wrong???” And as SOON as he admits he’s not all that crazy about being touched randomly she’s like “OH MY GOD I AM SO SORRY” and never touches him without asking again.

~As soon as she finds out touch a kind of A Whole Thing for him, Anna is like...AGGRESSIVELY respectful of Hiccup’s boundaries when it comes to physical affection. Almost annoyingly so. She gets in the habit of basically never initiating any kind of physical touch without asking first--even long after they’ve started dating, and he’s told her it’s okay to initiate touching as long as she’s not smothery about it. She still refuses out of principle.

~They come up with a kind of “consent language” so Anna can pretty quickly determine when it’s all right to touch Hiccup--because Anna still really likes being physically affectionate with him, and he does actually like receiving physical affection a lot of the time (because, again, touch-starved), he’s just choosy about who does it. They work out a system based off of small, light touches that Hiccup doesn’t mind where it’s basically 2 taps on his shoulder for “can I hug you around the neck,” 2 taps on his side for “can I hug you around the waist,” 2 taps on his arm for “can I grab/lightly slap/punch your arm,” and 1 tap on is shoulder for “can I put my arm/elbow on your shoulder.” If he’s cool with it he’ll either nod or just say “yeah go ahead.” It works a lot quicker than asking “can I do such-and-such specific touch” every single time, and allows Anna to keep some of her spontaneity. They develop this during their friendship and it ends up rolling over into their relationship, even after Hiccup has basically told her she doesn’t need to ask permission for a lot of these anymore. She adds a new one after they start dating--she taps him a couple times wherever she wants to kiss him to ask if it’s cool to give him a smooch! It usually is.

~INFODUMPING. Literally SO. MUCH. INFODUMPING. Hiccup absolutely WILL NOT SHUT UP when he gets to talking about one of his special interests. Anna just will not shut up in general, but when the topic changes to one of her hyperfixations, it’s even worse. If you try to have a conversation with these two while they’re infodumping, you WILL get talked over. Honestly, left to their own devices, they could probably infodump to each other for literal days on end.

~Despite how much they both like to infodump, they’re both pretty good about being patient and indulging the other when it’s their partner’s turn to infodump in the conversation XD They are, however, notorious about accidentally triggering a barely-related infodump in the other person. It’s not uncommon for one of them to finish a rant and then the other goes “OH THAT REMINDS ME” and sets off on a completely different, barely-related rant.

~Hiccup actually really appreciates how overexpressive--and occasionally overdramatic--Anna tends to be. He never has to try and figure out what she’s thinking because she just says everything in her brain, and her body language basically always matches how she’s feeling to a ridiculous extent, so he never has to give himself a headache trying to read her. The fact that she’s the opposite of subtle and has no filter whatsoever works great for him, because he doesn’t have to drive himself insane trying to understand her. He gets her better than he gets most people because she’s an open goddamn book. The boy’s never been the best with social cues at all, never mind the nuanced, obscure ones, so Anna’s general straightforwardness and utter inability to hide her true feelings at literally any time is a breath of fresh air. What you see is basically what you get, and Hiccup wouldn’t have it any other way.

~People think when Anna and Hiccup start dating it’s gonna be a disaster, mainly because he’s so blunt and she can be...”oversensitive” (i.e. has a REALLY bad case of RSD). Turns out they’re dead wrong--because Hiccup has RSD too! (I mean, come ON--look how BADLY he wants to get his village’s approval! And how hard he takes it when his dad or someone else is mad at him--even if he tries to hide it with snark) He’s actually one of the few people who can be blunt enough with Anna that she realizes when she’s being a dumbass but tactful enough not to hurt her feelings or set off her RSD--because god, has he been there. When Anna is being especially difficult and has worked herself into a real bad funk, Hiccup (and sometimes Elsa) is the only people who can talk to her and get through to her without getting blown up at.

~They stim in similar ways!!! They both tend to fidget or kinda bounce up in down in place as a way to comfort themselves and calm themselves down (I see them both having a lot of anxiety and generally being kind of paranoid, although Anna is MUCH better at hiding this via putting on a cheerful face). They both do the leg bounce!!! Also if they get SUPER excited they’ll do a little awkward happy dance!!! They both also tend to stim by rubbing things in small, repetitive motions--with Hiccup, it’s usually his sketching pens, his ear, his head, or the back of his neck, while with Anna, it’s usually her other hand, her arm, her clothes, or really anything with kind of a comforting, consistent texture (some favorites are rubber, felt, and velvet). After they start dating, they actually will stim with each other’s hands while holding hands--usually by squeezing the other person’s hand in kind of a repetitive pattern or doing the thumb-rub thing on the back of the other person’s hand. It’s not uncommon for them to each be doing something completely unrelated while holding hands and just stimming on each other’s hands the entire time. Anna especially really loves when she feels Hiccup stimming on her, because it’s her little indicator that he’s happy and feels at peace and content in her presence and she LOVES being able to do that for him!

~They both stim by playing with hair too! Anna likes to play with her own to stim--mainly by figeting with the end of her braids or tucking hair behind her ear. She DOES love to ruffle Hiccup’s hair too (and she LOVES how fluffy it is!), but it’s usually not a stim thing. After they start dating, Anna does occasionally stim by massaging Hiccup’s hair/scalp, but she doesn’t usually do it for very long. Hiccup really loves braiding Anna’s hair, or just playing with it when it’s down. it helps him relax and clear his mind to have something fairly repetitive and/or mindless to do.

~Even after gaining some confidence, Hiccup still has a fair bit of social anxiety, so he and Anna basically always go to parties and social events together and stick with each other the whole time to make it less intimidating for him. Hiccup generally prefers to let Anna do the talking when they chat with people, and sometimes if he’s REALLY nervous he’ll sometimes even let her kinda talk for him (not in a condescending “speaking over” kinda way, but more in like a “I can sense you’re not comfortable speaking here so I’ll help you out as best I can” kinda way). She always makes sure to leave space in the conversation for him to take over talking if he wants. She’s also incredibly prone to bragging about his accomplishments to basically everyone they know. Hiccup is both embarrassed and flattered by this.

~When Anna finds out about meltdowns (probably through Hiccup mentioning it kind of offhandedly--“Eh, sorry I went AWOL last night, I was having a bit of a meltdown. Don’t worry about it, I’m fine now.”) she lowkey gets super anxious and frustrated because she REALLY wants to help, but has no idea how. Cue literal HOURS of research on the internet and AGGRESSIVE memorizing of any and all tips that she reads that she thinks would help. Which, of course, means several MORE hours spent going over flashcards like she’s studying for a goddamn test, because Anna has never been known for her sharp, expansive memory.

~The first time Hiccup ever has a meltdown in front of her (maybe after a really bad phone fight with his dad or something? Just general sensory overload?), she takes him to a secluded room and IMMEDIATELY gets rid of anything that could be agitating sensory-wise. She dims the lights! She closes the blinds! She throws a nearby clock, an alarm, a timer, and several other objects with only the slightest potential of making an annoying noise out of a nearby window in a fit of passion! She goes on a frenzied quest to find Hiccup’s noise-cancelling headphones--and finishes it in record time! Even in a state of emotional turmoil, Hiccup realizes that Anna’s being just a little too methodical in how she goes about all this--these are the kind of things that wouldn’t ever occur naturally to her to do. So as soon as he calms down a bit and has screamed into a pillow for a while, he’s like “...did you go on the internet to look up how to help with meltdowns?” and Anna’s like “...yes?” And Hiccup is lowkey so touched he starts crying all over again...and then, naturally, makes a long string of snarky comments to try and distract from it XD

~For their anniversary Anna saves up a bunch and buys Hiccup a lizard and a terrarium!!! She gets him a crocodile skink because, I quote, “Well, they always look annoyed, they’re kinda shy, they don’t like to be touched, and they look like tiny dragons, so they reminded me of you!!!” Hiccup screams like a goddamn fangirl, he’s SO excited. As luck would have it, Hiccup’s crocodile skink is a lot less skittish and prone to hiding than they usually are, and he actually lets Hiccup pick him up and pet him without much issue. Which is honestly great, because repeatedly touching something smooth and even like lizard scales helps calm Hiccup down when he’s agitated and helps with some of his sensory issues.

~Probably goes without saying, but Hiccup basically NEVER genuinely gives Anna a hard time about her memory problems or how she’s not always the quickest on the uptake, and if anyone tries to call her annoying, dumb, or immature he will absolutely roast them into oblivion. He does sometimes like...lightly tease her about jumping into things without thinking or never shutting up, but he never pushes it if he can tell she’s genuinely bothered by it (and, again, Anna is very easy to read, so it’s not hard to tell XD)

~I’ve seen other people in the fandom HC either Hiccup, Anna, or both of them as BOTH autistic and ADHD, and honestly...fuck yes!!! I’m down for this too! I love the idea of these two disaster ND kids just vibing with each other on so many damn levels that it’s like...incomprehensible to the average human XD Like man, they fuckin GET each other!!! I’m pretty happy with most combinations of ADHD + Autistic headcanons for Anna and Hiccup, so long as they end up vibing!!!

~THEY JUST. THEY LOVE EACH OTHER. SO MUCH. THEY LITERALLY WOULD DIE FOR EACH OTHER. I AM SURE OF IT. I’M CRYING. 

#hiccanna #hiccup x anna #anna x hiccup #hiccup #anna #hiccupxanna #annaxhiccup #autistic hiccup #adhd anna #headcanons #hcs #httyd #frozen #crossover #rotbtd #rotbtfd #hiccup haddock #princess anna